This is a very cool article from Michael Castleman, M.A. at his All About Sex blog at Psychology Today. Too many men - myself included - have been raised (by popular culture and lack of relationship education) to believe that sex or making love is all about our technique - if we do it right, she'll moan with pleasure. If she doesn't, well, we're horrible lovers and failures as men.
When my father gave me "the talk," he was straight up with the mechanics, answered my questions (which were all the wrong questions), and probably felt that he had done a good job. He left out one important part, however - the other person and what s/he feels.
Here are ten things I wish he had taught me then:
- A LOT of women (3/4) cannot have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone - she needs direct manual (or oral) stimulation. It's sexy when she takes matters into her own hands, and if you learn how she likes to be touched, she'll love when you do it.
- Every woman is different - getting to know her body and rhythms, likes and dislikes, is wonderful. Let it take some time, enjoy the journey. Oh, and there is much more to her body than mouth, breasts, and vagina.
- She knows her body better than you ever will - be a good student and learn, and she will likely do the same for you.
- Technique is far less important than being emotionally present and open.
- It's not about her orgasm or your orgasm, it's about the connection. Really. It's too easy to get caught up in the goal and then we miss the journey.
- Sex is not about what you do with your penis, it's a whole body-mind-soul experience. If it isn't, you need to go back to #4 on this list.
- There are as many ways to make love as there are days in your life - and I'm not talking about positions. I'm talking about energies - the mixture of your energy and her energy is different every time if you are present to the emotions. Let that chemistry enchant you.
- Sometimes, it is about the orgasm, and it's good to just fuck.
- Humans making love is both beautiful and absurd - it's okay to laugh at the occasional absurdity.
- Aside from point #1 , everything on this list applies to same sex relationships, as well.
Anyway . . . here is the article from Michael Castleman - he makes a couple of the same points I do.
Men don't "give" them. Men create the context in which women can have them.
Many men believe that one goal of lovemaking is to “give” women earth-shattering orgasms. But orgasm is something no one “gives.” Orgasms are like laughter. Comedians might be funny, but they don’t “make” us laugh. We release laughter from deep within ourselves when conditions feel right. Rather than “giving” women orgasms, men should focus on what allows women to have them. These suggestions increase her likelihood of happy endings:
(1) Don’t expect her to have orgasms during intercourse. On TV and in movies and pornography, women always seem to have orgasms during intercourse. That’s much more fantasy than reality. In real sex, only about one-quarter of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The old in-and-out can be great fun, but it brings only a minority of women to orgasm. Three-quarters of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris.
The clitoris is the little nub of tissue that sits outside the vagina and a few inches above it beneath the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Even vigorous prolonged intercourse seldom provides enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Most women really need clitoral caresses from a hand, tongue, or vibrator. Unless she specifically requests intense touch, caress her clitoris very gently. It contains as many touch-sensitive nerves as the head of the penis, but they’re packed into an organ only about one-tenth the size. As a result, even gentle caresses may feel too intense for many women. Discuss this. If she doesn’t enjoy direct clitoral touch, caress around her clitoris.
(2) Touch her all over, not just those places. From the scalp to the soles of the feet, every square inch of the body is a sensual playground, but too many men focus on just a few corners and forget the rest. Touch her everywhere. All over. Every square inch. Think of sex as whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. Whole-body massage produces deep relaxation, which helps women (and men) have orgasms. Massage her gently from head to toe. Try massage lotion (available at bath and body shops). Some non-genital spots that can feel surprisingly erotic include: the scalp, ears, face, neck, feet, and the backs of the knees.
(3) Slow down. Extended sensual warm-up time helps women have orgasms. Compared with men, most women need considerably more time to warm up to genital play. Forget the wham bam you see in porn. When making love, do everything at half speed. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing before reaching between her legs.
(4) Use a lubricant. Wetter is better. In just seconds, lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. In addition, for women experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness, sex may feel uncomfortable without a lubricant.
The most widely used lube is saliva. It’s wet, free, and always available, but saliva dries quickly and it’s not very slippery. Vegetable oil is another possibility, but it can be messy and stain linens. Try commercial lubricants. They’re safe, inexpensive, and slippery. If they dry out, they can be refreshed with a few drops of water, or just apply a bit more. But don’t squirt lubricants directly on women’s genitals. That can feel cold and jarring. Squeeze some into your hand, rub it with your fingers to warm it, then touch her. Lubricants are available at pharmacies, near the condoms.
(5) Break out of routines. Ever notice how sex feels more arousing in hotels? That’s because hotel sex is non-routine. Biochemically, the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine governs libido. As dopamine rises, so does arousal and likelihood of orgasm. What raises dopamine? Novelty. So try something different—anything. Make love in a new location, in a different way, at a different time, or with a different ambiance, for example, candle light, music, and sex toys. Beforehand, try bathing or showering together, or treat yourselves to professional massages.
(6) Take a vibrator to bed. Even if you do all of the above, some women still have trouble with orgasm, and need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Today, one-third of American women own vibrators, but few couples include them in partner sex. Some men fear being “replaced.” Nonsense. Power tools don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more efficiently. Vibrators can’t kiss and cuddle, or make women laugh, or love them. They do just one thing, and some women need that one thing to have orgasms. Hold her close as you invite her to use the vibrator.
Just remember, you don’t “give” her orgasms. In a loving relationship, the man’s job is to create an erotic context that’s comfortable, relaxed, and sufficiently arousing enough so the woman can let herself go enough to climax.