Showing posts with label interpersonal skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label interpersonal skills. Show all posts

Saturday, November 2, 2013

On Being a Woman in Public (from Groupthink at Jezebel) - and Being a Man in Public

 

Over at the Jezebel blog called Grouthink, TyrannosaurusBataar posted a brief article on being a female in public - the dread, or even fear, that you will be approached by a man who wants to hit on you, seduce you, talk to you, or some other form of annoyance. While I am sure this is the case for a lot of women (thanks to the men who are creeps and predators, all of whom have given men in general an unfair stereotype, "all men are dogs"), I am not convinced that all men are so loathsome as one might assume from an article such as this.

One brave man tried to present a male version of this story in the comments, addressing without naming the double bind many single men experience when trying to connect with a woman he finds attractive (whether it's beauty or that she is reading a book of Beat poetry, or whatever).

I have included the exchange between the author of the article and the brave man who replied.

Being a woman in public

By TyrannosaurusBataar

Sometimes you just want to go home, but you're stuck being a woman in public.

You get on the train after a long day. The doors are trying to close and a guy jams them open to let on another guy. A man in a military uniform takes his earbuds out and says to the door-holder, "Don't hold the door open."

"What did you say?"

"Don't hold the door open."

"Oh, who are you, man? Who are you?"

You take a seat as far away from the conflict as possible and try to disappear into your Kindle, averting your eyes. Everything finally calms down.

The door-holder, who's already proven himself to have zero qualms about confronting strangers, is looking at you. You can see him in your peripheral vision and you can feel him looking. You're at a distance, but your hair is pretty bright and you're wearing lipstick so you know he noticed you. Keep reading, keep looking down. You briefly wish you were less attractive or had mousy hair or had an invisibility cloak. He keeps looking at you.

The person on the inside of your seat needs to get off. You hold your breath as you let them out and you move in, thinking of all the things you'll say and do when he tries to sit down next to you and talk to you when you just want to be left alone.

You exhale when an older woman rushes to take the seat you've vacated. You're safe and insulated by the window now.

Door-holder exits at the next stop and the tension leaves with him.

It's only been a few minutes, but this is what goes through your head when you're existing as a woman in public.

The comments are mostly from women who are sharing their own version of this story. However, one brave male commented and offered a male perspective on the double bind we feel as the one who is expected to pursue the female for a date, but also knowing that many females (as this story makes clear) dread being approached by an unknown male.

Here is that exchange - his version of the same story, her comment, and his reply. In my opinion, she totally missed his point, or chose not to see it.

Phenawn offers a scenario familiar to many single men who wish not to be single. But Ms. Bataar seems to only see men in these situations as predators.

Wanted to make this its own post on group think as a rebuttal but I don't have permissions :(

Sometimes you just want to let a woman know she’s beautiful and hopefully connect with her, but you’re stuck being a man in public.

You hold the door open on a train politely for someone who’s rushing to get into the train before the door closes. Some asshat in a military uniform gets butthurt and looks at you in a not too friendly manner. The man in a military uniform takes his earbuds out, initiates a confrontation and says,

"Don't hold the door open."

"What did you say?"

"Don't hold the door open."

"Oh, who are you, man? Who are you?"

Seriously, who does he think he is? He doesn’t identify himself as any authority or official representing the train company, who is he to be barking orders at you? Of course you would take offense and not comply immediately.

What makes things worse is now your gesture of kindness has created a scene and now you must fade off into a corner so Commander asshat doesn’t make things worse for you.

You see a beautiful girl reading her kindle at the far end of the train. You try not to stare but she is the best kind of Medusa, looking her has left you frozen in awe. You notice her bright hair and lipstick. You applaud her style and wonder what kind of girlfriend she could be.

You remind yourself that, being a guy, you must make the first move or nothing will happen. You remind yourself that you don’t really look that good today. You remind yourself that you have nothing cool to say. You remind yourself that this isn’t a bar or club so you’re not allowed to approach. You know you might never see this girl again and you have to at least try. You hope you don’t scare her, creep her out, seem rapey or a million other terms used to discourage people from connecting. You come up with a million scenarios where she rejects you in the worst ways if you dare say “hello”…

(In your imagination land…)

You: “Hey, nice Kindle, what do you like to read? –smiley face-

Her: “Wow is that the best pickup line you got?”

You: “N..no.. what? I’m just being friendly I don’t even use pick up-

Her: “That’s great, stop talking to me Mr. Out of shape, do you even lift?”

You: “I don’t even like lifting … I... I’m just going to go home and die now”

-moonwalk away in failure-

(End Scene)

The whole time you’re day dreaming you realize you haven’t stopped staring at her. She ends up noticing, you panic inside, and you must make a decision. Should you try to approach her? You wish you had more confidence, you notice the person sitting next to her leaves. You see an opportunity…

An older woman looks at you, shakes her head as if to say, “Nope, you got no chance” and sits next to her. You feel like a failure, you’re embarrassed. You immediately leave at the next stop in shame. Another day of surfing the net alone in your studio apartment and ending your night with a disappointing release following your third viewing of a Hawt tattooed girls on Xhamster, awaits you.

This is what constantly happens to you when you’re a man in public. 10/17/13 11:16am


* * * * *


TyrannosaurusBataar

You probably actually don't want to post this to Groupthink. You do not understand the point of this post. Read some of the (many, many) responses to this and tell me you women don't have any reason to blow off or be afraid of men in public. But it's really funny that you think this is a burden you carry, constantly defending against rude girls.

Also: if you've never been on the DC metro, the doors don't open again when they're closing. They'll close on your arms/legs/bag whatever. It's not "politely" holding the door. It's jamming yourself in between closing, heavy doors, putting yourself in danger, and potentially holding up the whole train as the doors keep open/closing or the driver makes you offload. 10/17/13 11:22am


* * * * * 


Phenawm

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm surprised as this has gotten so many replies and you have been kind enough to read all of them. I realize that there is a ton of creeps out there that don't know when it is ok to approach and don't know how to take subtle hints that a woman gives, to let guys know that they are not interested. I never implied rudeness on the girls part, I just want to bring awareness that women aren't the only ones who carry all the fear and self-consciousness.

I wrote it from the guys point of view of how its also difficult for a guy to find someone incredibly attractive and want to connect, how a guy can project his feelings of fear on to her and struggle with his role in that situation. I wanted the readers to be able to see this from all points of view. I get that it's scary for women but its scary for men too, we don't look for people to harass, even if we are prone to getting into conflicts with other men. That's not the same attitude we bring or think of when we want to approach or attract a woman. On the RARE occasion that a man even approaches a female stranger.

Also, you're correct, I don't know about the DC metro, where you're story may have been true, mine was just a fictional rebuttal. 10/17/13 11:50am

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Benjamin Schwarz - The Rise and Fall of Charm in American Men

In an article for The Atlantic (June 2013 issue), Benjamin Schwarz looked at the concept of charm in American culture and it's relative absence today (with the exception of George Clooney, which Schwarz suggests is the single example that highlights his point - Clooney is the one man most men and women will name as charming).

I wonder if charm has become a generational concept. Today, it seems, we judge male figures by the "cool" factor (Edward Norton, Robert Downey Jr., Matthew McConaughey, Mekhi Phifer, Jared Leto, and others) or their "bad boy" image (Sean Penn, Colin Farrell, Shemar Moore, Christian Bale, Johnny Depp, Edward Furlong, and others). And then there are people like Charlie Sheen (might be fun to hang out with), or Sean Combs (the epitome of cool and success in the Hip-Hop world, as well as in the popular culture), and the "pretty boys" (Channing Tatum, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Ryan Reynolds). But are any of these men charming, really charming, as described in this article?

The Rise and Fall of Charm in American Men

Few possess it, and few want to. Explaining men's ambivalent relationship with an amoral virtue.

BENJAMIN SCHWARZ
MAY 22 2013


If one were to recast The Rockford Files, as Universal Pictures is intending to do, would the Frat Pack actor Vince Vaughn seem the wisest choice to play Jim Rockford, the character James Garner inhabited with such sly intelligence and bruised suavity? Universal apparently thinks so.

One can say many things about the talents of Vaughn, and were Universal embarking on a bit of polyester parody—remaking, say, Tony Rome, among the least of the neo-noirs—Vaughn’s gift for sending up low pop would be just so. But to aim low in this case is to miss the deceptive grace that Garner brought to the original, and prompts a bigger question: Whatever happened to male charm—not just our appreciation of it, or our idea of it, but the thing itself?

Yes, yes, George Clooney—let’s get him out of the way. For nearly 20 years, any effort to link men and charm has inevitably led to Clooney. Ask women or men to name a living, publicly recognized charming man, and 10 out of 10 will say Clooney. That there exists only one choice—and an aging one—proves that we live in a culture all but devoid of male charm.

Mention Clooney, and the subject turns next to whether (or to what extent) he’s the modern version of that touchstone of male charm, Cary Grant. Significantly, Grant came to his charm only when he came, rather late, to his adulthood. An abandoned child and a teenage acrobat, he spent his first six years in Hollywood playing pomaded pretty boys. In nearly 30 stilted movies—close to half of all the pictures he would ever make—his acting was tentative, his personality unformed, his smile weak, his manner ingratiating, and his delivery creaky. See how woodenly he responds to Mae West’s most famous (and most misquoted) line, in She Done Him Wrong: “Why don’t you come up sometime and see me?” But in 1937 he made the screwball comedy The Awful Truth, and all at once the persona of Cary Grant gloriously burgeoned. Out of nowhere he had assimilated his offhand wit, his playful knowingness, and, in a neat trick that allowed him to be simultaneously cool and warm, his arch mindfulness of the audience he was letting in on the joke.

Grant had developed a new way to interact with a woman onscreen: he treated his leading lady as both a sexually attractive female and an idiosyncratic personality, an approach that often required little more than just listening to her—a tactic that had previously been as ignored in the pictures as it remains, among men, in real life. His knowing but inconspicuously generous style let the actress’s performance flourish, making his co-star simultaneously regal and hilarious.

In short, Grant suddenly and fully developed charm, a quality that is tantalizing because it simultaneously demands detachment and engagement. Only the self-aware can have charm: It’s bound up with a sensibility that at best approaches wisdom, or at least worldliness, and at worst goes well beyond cynicism. It can’t exist in the undeveloped personality. It’s an attribute foreign to many men because most are, for better and for worse, childlike. These days, it’s far more common among men over 70—probably owing to the era in which they reached maturity rather than to the mere fact of their advanced years. What used to be called good breeding is necessary (but not sufficient) for charm: no one can be charming who doesn’t draw out the overlooked, who doesn’t shift the spotlight onto others—who doesn’t, that is, possess those long-forgotten qualities of politesse and civilité. A great hostess perforce has charm (while legendary hostesses are legion—Elizabeth Montagu, Madame Geoffrin, Viscountess Melbourne, Countess Greffulhe—I can’t think of a single legendary host), but today this social virtue goes increasingly unrecognized. Still, charm is hardly selfless. All of these acts can be performed only by one at ease with himself yet also intensely conscious of himself and of his effect on others. And although it’s bound up with considerateness, it really has nothing to do with, and is in fact in some essential ways opposed to, goodness. Another word for the lightness of touch that charm requires in humor, conversation, and all other aspects of social relations is subtlety, which carries both admirable and dangerous connotations. Charm’s requisite sense of irony is also the requisite for social cruelty (see, for example, the excruciating interrogations to which Grant subjects that virtuoso stooge Ralph Bellamy in both The Awful Truth and His Girl Friday).

Male charm is all but absent from the screen because it’s all but absent from our lives. Most men hold charm in vague suspicion: few cultivate it; still fewer respond to it; hardly any know whether they have it; and almost none can even identify it. Women commonly complain about the difficulty in gaining any conversational purchase when, say, trying to engage the fathers of their children’s classmates or the husbands of their tennis partners. The woman will grab from her bag of conversational gambits—she’ll allude to some quotidian absurdity or try to form a mock alliance in defiance of some teacher’s or soccer coach’s irksome requirement. But the man doesn’t enter into the give-and-take. The next time they meet, it’s as though they’ve never talked before; the man invariably fails to pick up the ball, and any reference the woman might make to a prior remark or observation falls to the ground. Men don’t indulge in the easy shared confidences and nonsexual flirtations that lubricate social exchange among women. Even in the most casual conversation, men are too often self-absorbed or mono-focused or—more commonly—guarded, distracted, and disengaged to an almost Aspergerian degree. (Garner’s futile efforts to engage the unengageable—be they flinty triggermen from Detroit or by-the-book feds—is a running gag in Rockford.) Men consistently fail to meet the sort of obvious standards set by guides to etiquette and to the art of conversation common 50 years ago.

This isn’t to attribute the dearth of charm to some cultural and social declension, although clearly charm—with its emotional, even aesthetic, detachment—could hardly have retained its social sway after that most overwrought of decades, the 1960s. Any culture that celebrates youth necessarily provides stony soil for charm, which is by definition a quality reserved for adults: the young can be charming, which is an inadvertent attribute; they cannot have charm.

More important, charm, for all its appeal, isn’t a moral virtue—it’s an amoral one. Americans, especially American men, have always been, for some very good reasons, ambivalent about charm. It’s an attribute alien to many men because they are ingenuous, a quality that can itself be either admirable or unlovely. Many American military men deserve our esteem; the many I have known indeed do, but I have never met one with an ounce of charm. Indeed, what American hero has possessed it? The quintessential modern American hero, the eternally jejune and earnest Charles Lindbergh, who became a god when not yet a man, was in every way the antithesis of charm. America’s entire political history has been in some basic way a struggle between Jefferson—self-righteous, humorless, prickly, at once intellectually ardent and woolly—and Hamilton, a man foreign-born, witty, stylish, coolly brilliant, generous, possessed of a rare rapport with and an understanding of women. And just as Hamilton’s political vision triumphed, so did Jefferson’s political style. To be sure, we’ve always had sports heroes—Sonny Jurgensen, John McEnroe, Jim McMahon, Arnold Palmer—whose sly irony and authority-defining insouciance lends them the adolescent glamour of Peck’s Bad Boy, a posture that, while sometimes winning, can be mislabeled as charm. (Its limits are clear in the persona of a non-sportsman exemplar, Bruce Willis.) Indeed, sports—youngsters’ games pursued in earnest—essentially lack charm. The seriousness with which American men take sports both confirms and exacerbates their suspicion of charm.Of course, all of these social and cultural shifts, which are themselves inimical to charm, are rooted in a more basic change—the ever-widening infection of social relations by market values. That development, whether good or ill, indisputably makes for blunter and more crudely utilitarian manners. After all, in a way, charm is just small talk.

In the old days, the phrase a charming man was often code for “a gay man,” and undoubtedly the undying but unfounded speculation about Grant’s bisexuality is based on the suspicion that no man so charming could possibly be heterosexual. There is no getting around the basic womanliness of charm. One of the three most important virtues in a man, according to Christopher Hitchens—among the very few charming men I’ve known—is the ability to think like a woman. (The other two are courage, moral and physical, and a sense of the absurd.) Certainly this is one reason many men find charm so alien and alienating. But a man’s ability to think like a woman, and its concomitant—an understanding of and interest in women—is probably rooted not in sexuality but in a sympathetic relationship with his mother or other women who raised him. That today foppishness, campiness, and a proclivity to dish get conflated with male charm indicates, as does the notion of Vaughn as a contemporary Garner, the culture’s incomprehension of that quality.So there’s nothing new about the troubled relationship between men and charm. The dearth of charming American leading men seems acute now, but only for a brief cultural moment, from the mid-1930s to the early 1940s, did American movies elevate male charm—not coincidentally, during a time when middle-class women made up the pictures’ largest audience. Even then the roster of charming lead actors was pretty much limited to Grant (foreign-born and -raised, and entirely self-invented—a man without a country), Gable (endearing, although his charm was always at war with his compulsion to establish his masculinity), William Powell (a bit asexual), and—strange but true—the perennially underrated Fred MacMurray. As for most other male stars, even of romantic comedies, which was the only genre that celebrated charm, the distinction that separates youth from age applies: Jimmy Stewart in his fumbling ineffectuality and Gary Cooper in his galumphing diffidence could be charming—the modifier boyishly naturally appends itself—but they didn’t have charm.

In fact, it’s precisely his uncomplicated heterosexuality that makes Garner such an important American man. Garner—who possessed a casual wit, a good-natured ease, a liking for and appreciation of women, and a quizzical detachment—is unambiguously straight. But unlike Clooney—who, though raised in Kentucky and Ohio, has never been, thanks to his Aunt Rosemary, provincial—Garner, the hardscrabble Oklahoman, is at once worldly and untainted by sophistication. (Gable’s roots were similarly rustic, but he could never overcome the talk about what it took to vault himself out of his circumstances—a stint as a long-lashed rent boy.) Strikingly unlike Clooney, Garner is impossible to imagine comfortable in black tie—and, really, how many men are?

Cliché has it that a charming leading man appeals equally to both men and women (although for different reasons). That’s immensely difficult to manage. Even if American men could appreciate charm, they still wouldn’t trust it—and it’s impossible to really like a man whom you can’t trust with your wife. But as an actor, Garner had a magical ability to convey his offscreen persona of red-blooded, hardworking, plain, and thorough decency, even as his charming onscreen persona didn’t fully gibe with it. He thereby made a light touch and an ironic stance qualities that men found not just appealing but worthy.

That capacity to simultaneously inhabit a role and remain outside it epitomizes charm. Garner always played likable rogues, although the accent sometimes fell more strongly on the likable (Maverick, Rockford) and sometimes more on the rogue. In The Great Escape, he was able to turn an ingratiating scrounger and operator (a type familiar to and pretty much universally loathed by mid-century American males, weary veterans of both military life and the corporate office) into a Great Guy, but in The Americanization of Emily (Garner’s own favorite among his movies), he deployed the same charm to pimp for lascivious admirals.

Pampered and petted as a child of profligate gifts, Welles throughout his life was a man who knew just how to exploit his immense charm. As a young man in a hurry, the energetically heterosexual Welles exercised a beguiling power on a series of influential gay men (Thornton Wilder and Guthrie McClintic among them), and on stage and in the movies his fellow players and crew were captivated by the abundant evidence of his devotion, even as they knew that his only loyalty was to his self-promotion—a project that was both entwined with and in opposition to his art. Grant and Garner, on the other hand, had to haul themselves out of circumstances in which charm counted for nothing; they came to their charm only in film, and perhaps as a consequence, they, like most men, had a far more troubled relationship with it. In the first two pictures Grant made with Hitchcock—Suspicion, in which he played an amoral bounder apparently intent on murder, and Notorious, in which he played a spy-pimp—he was purely, genuinely charming, even as he established that the line between charmer and sociopath is very fine indeed. These performances, by far his most technically accomplished, are so brilliant and daring not merely because Grant risked upending his carefully built film persona but because he conveyed how those performances were in fact true to that persona.The movies and the most-discerning actors in them showed us charm’s allure—and its menace. For men and for women, encountering a charming man is a moment of unique delight in the pictures, as in life. It prompts a heady mixture of exhilaration and the ease that accompanies the recognition that one is in good hands. The opening 66 minutes of The Third Man hurtles the audience through war-scarred Vienna with the ineffectual and doggedly callow Holly Martins (Joseph Cotten), a man clearly out of his depth in the chilly cafés with their aged, stone-faced Mittel-European gigolos. But just as we begin to feel intolerably oppressed by the weight of all that bleak Atmosphere, Martins’s eyes, and ours, fall on the Face of Charm—Orson Welles’s Harry Lime, briefly illuminated with one knowing, self-mocking eyebrow raised; and with the ironical lilt of the zither, we are ineffably but unforgettably uplifted. The effect of that glimpse of Welles’s charm is just as Pauline Kael described the effects of Grant’s: “We smile when we see him … It makes us happy just to look at him.” It’s the one joyous scene in the movie, and it’s among the most enchanting in any movie. Our delight intensifies when we meet Welles, who bounds up to Cotten with a theatrical hint of apology (“Hello, old man, how are you?”). He envelops us along with Cotten in his relaxed assurance, his amused, trusting manner. He draws Cotten in as a confidant, even as he maintains his seductive command. It’s the greatest moment of flirtation between heterosexual men in cinema. We feel Cotten’s desire to be taken in hand by Welles, and we half want him to be. Of course, by now we, and Cotten, know that Welles is an evil opportunist who must bend Cotten to his needs. Never mind, because even as Welles charmingly, openly confirms all that, he forever wins us over with his parting words to Cotten: that cuckoo-clock speech, the most-famous lines in the picture (they’re not in the Graham Greene book; Welles wrote them).

The genius of Garner and Grant was the way they expressed both their delight in their charm and their own suspicion of charm, and so spoke to men—and to women, who, to survive in this world, have always had to know in their bones the truth of Anita Brookner’s assertion that a true man of charm must be a liar. One could reply that our suspicions should be raised only by the superficial charm that psychiatrists attribute to psychopaths (see Joseph Cotten in Shadow of a Doubt). But Grant and Garner knew that charm in all its guises is ultimately, if not merely, superficial—“real charm” is an oxymoron.

Most men’s obliviousness to charm supports the proposition that the quality is not essential, even as that obliviousness makes for a decidedly less pleasant world. Charm is a social—a civilized—virtue. But its very refinement, the weight it places on self-presentation, means that it is inherently manipulative. All of Grant’s characteristic winning expressions—the double take, the cocked head, the arched eyebrow, the sideways glance—signaled that he was pulling something off. The charming man (or woman) always knows that he (or she) is pulling something off, no matter whether that charm is used to put the wallflower at ease, to get the soccer dad to exchange some pleasantries, or to close the sale. The charmer knows that he or she is manipulating—and in the end, it’s impossible not to be at least slightly contemptuous of the object of one’s manipulation. Welles, a real charmer, insouciantly and cynically took all this for granted, which made his portrayals of charm the most offhand and naturalistic, and also the most sinister. Grant, the greatest film actor, could methodically show charm’s double face, an exquisite balancing act that simultaneously subverted and enormously enriched his appeal. But Garner—Garner could amble up to the American Man, put an arm around his shoulders with the sort of good-natured nonchalance that the best salesman attempts for a lifetime but can never achieve, squint in an open but jaded way while looking him straight in the eye, grin in that crooked, easy, worldly-wise manner, and, well, confide to him: Charm is charming. Just don’t be charmed by it.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Vanna Le - Ask an Academic: The Secrets of Boys

http://www.karianna.us/reviews/Friends_Boys_Young.jpg

From the The New Yorker, Vanna Le interviews Niobe Way about her new book (March 15), Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection. Way found that young boys often describe their male friendships in deeply intimate ways. But as they grow older, they become increasingly distrustful, isolated, and alone.

I remember having those close friendships as a boy - and I remember feeling as though many of my friends were "competition" as a teenager. In the middle school years, a lot of things seemed to shift - the obvious hormones, increased social awareness, formation of more rigid in-groups and out-groups (in younger boys, these groups are more fluid), and of course, girls.

Along the way, we internalized some hard and fast rules about being men (be tough, be a player, be capable, and never be feminine). I'm sure there were other rules, but those are the ones that stick out for me.

Ask an Academic: The Secrets of Boys

secrets.jpg

In the late nineteen-eighties, Niobe Way worked as a counselor at an urban public high school, where she spent hours each day listening to teen-agers, especially boys, speak about their struggles with friendship, betrayal, and heartbreak. Boys and men are often seen through stereotypes as emotionally illiterate, stoic, and extremely independent. But that rings a bit false, as Way remembers, because the boys she worked with were much more complicated.

In her new book, “Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection,” Way reveals the intense intimacy that exists within boys’ friendships. Her research includes interviews with black, Latino, white, and Asian-American boys as they progressed through adolescence. In the first chapter, we meet Justin, a fifteen-year-old boy:

[My best friend and I] love each other … that’s it … you have this thing that is deep, so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it. It’s just a thing that you know that that person is that person … and that is all that should be important in our friendship … I guess in life, sometimes two people can really, really, understand each other and really have a trust, respect and love for each other. It just happens, it’s human nature.

Based on what Justin says, one might predict that this is a friendship bound to last, but as Way points out in the book, boys tend to become more distrustful, lose their friendships, and begin to feel increasingly isolated and alone as they reach “manhood.” Recently, Way, a professor in the Department of Applied Psychology at N.Y.U.’s Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development, discussed her new book with me. An edited version of our conversation appears below.

Why boys?

My interest in boys’ development grew out of listening to my younger brothers and the boys I met while working as a counselor. I became fascinated by the discrepancy between the stereotypes of boys and what boys actually sounded like. I wanted to learn about their social and emotional developments, particularly during adolescence—the age during which boys are most heavily stereotyped as stoic and only interested in one thing (i.e., sex). I discovered that while boys do sound and act like stereotypes at times, they also often implicitly challenge such stereotypes especially in the context of their closest male friendships.

NiobeWay.jpg

Boys openly expressed to us their love for their friends and emphasized that sharing “deep” secrets was the most important aspect of their closest male friendships. They also told us that they would go “wacko” without these friends. I realized that these patterns among boys have been ignored by the larger culture because such expressions are considered by this culture as girlish and gay. Thus, to admit that boys have or want emotionally intimate male friendships, or to reveal their emotional sensitivity, is to implicitly accuse them of being gay. Rather than questioning why emotional sensitivity and emotionally intimate friendships are given a sex (female) and a sexuality (gay), we simply ignore boys’ friendships and the ways in which they do not fit our gender stereotypes.

What do boys want in friendships (with other boys)? How does that change as they grow older?

Boys want “deep depth” friendships with other boys in which secrets are shared, trust is total, and they have the confidence that their friend will not betray them or laugh at them when they are feeling vulnerable. These themes of intimacy are particularly evident during early and middle adolescence. During late adolescence, however, boys begin to lose their closest male friendships, become more distrustful of their male peers, and in some cases, become less willing to be emotionally expressive. They start sounding, in other words, like gender stereotypes. When they talk about intimacy that might remain in their closest male friendships, they use the expression “no homo” to underscore their heterosexual status. Questions about close friendships from the interviewers become, for the boys during late adolescence, questions about sexuality. Many of the boys in our studies spoke about feelings of loneliness and isolation during late adolescence and how they missed their formerly close male friendships. We heard these patterns of loss and distrust right at the moment in development that the rates of suicide among boys in the United States jumps up to become four times the rate of girls.

Why do these changes happen?

These changes occur during late adolescence because cultural pressures to become a “man” are intensified during this period of growth. In American culture, becoming a man is linked with being emotionally stoic, autonomous, and physically tough. If boys do not follow these dictates of manhood, they are perceived as gay or girlish—and boys who are heterosexual don’t want to be perceived in such ways. These changes also occur because boys, like girls, increasingly buy into the cultural belief that having a romantic partner makes you mature and happy and that these relationships are more important than friendships. They begin to believe that friendships should be sacrificed for the sake of romantic relationships.

Is this specific to just American boys?

My studies have focused almost exclusively on American boys. But, the studies I’ve done of boys (and girls) in China suggest that the patterns of intimacy among boys are also found in Chinese adolescent boys. Yet I do know that many cultures around the world emphasize the importance of male friendships much more than Americans do. American culture is a hyper-masculine one in which you might rarely see two heterosexual men holding hands. Such signs of affection are common in many parts of the world outside of the States.

Throughout the book, you bring up the phrase “no homo,” something that boys—both younger and older—will use to indicate that they are not homosexual. How did this term originate, and why is it used so often?

This term is used to indicate that what they are saying is not evidence of homosexuality. Boys, particularly during late adolescence, used this phrase when they revealed something that could be misinterpreted as evidence of homosexuality in our culture…. For example, boys would say: “I will stick by him through thick and thin, no homo,” or “I share all my deep secrets with him, no homo.” This is strong evidence that while we may think we live in a progressive culture in which being gay or a girl is considered as positive as being a heterosexual boy, we remain in a culture that uses “gay,” “girly,” or simply “girl” as a slander for boys and girls (e.g. “you are such a girl”). The phrase “no homo” is used so often by heterosexual boys. This also includes those from New York City, who don’t want to be perceived as gay or girlish even if they wear skinny jeans or tight T-shirts.

Why should we be alarmed by the pattern and nature of boys’ friendships?

We should be alarmed because research about the relationships between boys consistently reveals that friendships are key to all aspects of well-being. Close friendships provide a sense of self-worth, validation, and connectedness to the larger world and significantly enhance psychological, physical, and academic health. Adolescents without close friendships are at risk of depression, suicide, dropping out, disengagement from school, early pregnancy, drug use, and gang membership. Research has even suggested that the effects of the quality of friendships on adjustment may be stronger for boys than for girls. Health researchers find that people with strong friendships are less likely to get colds and common illnesses than people with fewer friends. Study after study has underscored the importance of close friendships throughout the lifespan.

In addition, much of the way we think about parenting and schooling boys is based on gender stereotypes. Even the most recent school reforms, such as creating curriculums, are based on gender stereotypes. The fact that boys do not consistently fit gender stereotypes suggests that we need to rethink how we parent boys as well as what we are doing in schools to foster boys’ development. Recent scholarship in neuroscience, developmental psychology, psychiatry, and evolutionary anthropology are emphasizing the empathic and coöperative nature of all humans. Thus, we should also be relieved, and not simply alarmed, to discover that boys and men are human, too.

How can we help boys and girls (as well as men and women) to remain better emotionally connected to one another?

We need to rethink how we are defining maturity, which, in this culture, is equated with independence, autonomy, and separating from others. I think maturity should be defined as the ability to have mutually supportive, intimate, and deeply empathic relationships. If that was the epitome of maturity, the way we think about parenting and about schooling our children would radically change. In addition, if we paid attention to the decades of research underscoring the importance of friendships for the psychological health of males and females, we would also change the way we parent and school our children. Rather than autonomy, independence, or critical thinking being the goal of development, the goal would be to foster children’s social, emotional, and cognitive capacities so that they can thrive in all areas of their lives.

A program called “Roots of Empathy” is now being implemented in schools across Canada, in which they try to foster empathy among school children to try and prevent bullying and other sorts of negative school behavior. Schools that have integrated this curriculum into their schools have lower rates of bullying and higher rates of positive engagement in school. The U.S. should follow Canada in this respect. Parents and teachers need to understand that fostering children’s social and emotional well-being is just as important as fostering their academic achievement and that student achievement is linked to social and emotional well-being. Once we recognize that fact, we will be off to a brighter future.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Tony Schwartz - The Four Capacities Every Great Leader Needs (And Very Few Have)

This article was posted at the Harvard Business Review, and I thought it might be useful to take a look at the four traits he mentions. Schwartz looks at (1) leaders see others' hidden talents, (2) meeting the needs of their team, including meaningful purpose, (3) offer clear vision of success and empower team to achieve success, and (4) the best leaders are both strong and vulnerable, able to embrace their shadows as well as their light.

Two of these are clearly leadership goals (#2 & #3), but the other two (and potentially all four) are traits of mature human beings - those we want in a friend, a relationship partner, or especially in our team as we work on a project.

In my experience, the best leaders are those with the widest and deepest perspectives and with the best emotional intelligence and interpersonal skills. In a sense, I think that's what Schwartz is getting at too.

~ Tony Schwartz is the president and CEO of The Energy Project and the author of The Way We're Working Isn't Working. Become a fan of The Energy Project on Facebook and connect with Tony at Twitter.com/TonySchwartz and Twitter.com/Energy_Project.

When I was a very young journalist, full of bravado and barely concealed insecurity, Ed Kosner, editor of Newsweek, hired me to do a job I wasn't sure I was capable of doing. Thrown into deep water, I had no choice but to swim. But I also knew he wouldn't let me drown. His confidence buoyed me.

Some years later, I was hired away by Arthur Gelb, the managing editor of the New York Times. This time, I was seduced by Gelb's contagious exuberance about being part of a noble fraternity committed to putting out the world's greatest newspaper.

Over the last dozen years, I've worked with scores of CEOs and senior executives to help them build more engaged, high performance cultures by energizing their employees. Along the way, I've landed on four key capacities that show up, to one degree or another, in the most inspiring leaders I've met.

1. Great leaders recognize strengths in us that we don't always yet fully see in ourselves.

This is precisely what Kosner did with me. He provided belief where I didn't yet have it, and I trusted his judgment more than my own. It's the Pygmalion effect: expectations become self-fulfilling.

Both positive and negative emotions feed on themselves. In the absence of Kosner's confidence, I simply wouldn't have assumed I was ready to write at that level.

Because he seemed so sure I could — he saw better than I did how my ambition and relentlessness would eventually help me prevail — I wasted little energy in corrosive worry and doubt.

Instead, I simply invested myself in getting better, day by day, step by step. Because we can achieve excellence in almost anything we practice with sufficient focus and intention, I did get better, which fed my own confidence and satisfaction, and my willingness to keep pushing myself.

2. Rather than simply trying to get more out of us, great leaders seek to understand and meet our needs, above all a compelling mission beyond our immediate self-interest, or theirs.

Great leaders understand that how they make people feel, day in and day out, has a profound influence on how they perform.

We each have a range of core needs — physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Great leaders focus on helping their employees meet each of these needs, recognizing that it helps them to perform better and more sustainably.

Arthur Gelb helped me meet not just my emotional need to be valued, but also my spiritual need to be engaged in a mission bigger than my own success. Far too few leaders take the time to figure out what they truly stand for, beyond the bottom line, and why we should feel excited to work for them.

3. Great leaders take the time to clearly define what success looks like, and then empower and trust us to figure out the best way to achieve it.

One of our core needs is for self-expression. One of the most demoralizing and infantilizing experiences at work is to feel micromanaged.

The job of leaders is not to do the work of those they lead, but to serve as Chief Energy Officer — to free and fuel us to bring the best of ourselves to work every day.

Part of that responsibility is defining, in the clearest possible way, what's expected of us — our concrete deliverables. This is a time-consuming and challenging process, and most leaders I've met do very little of it. When they do it effectively, the next step for leaders is to get out of the way.

That requires trusting that employees will figure out for themselves the best way to get their work done, and that even though they'll take wrong turns and make mistakes, they learn and grow stronger along the way.

4. The best of all leaders — a tiny fraction — have the capacity to embrace their own opposites, most notably vulnerability alongside strength, and confidence balanced by humility.

This capacity is uniquely powerful because all of us struggle, whether we're aware of it or not, with our self worth. We're each vulnerable to believing, at any given moment, that we're not good enough.

Great leaders don't feel the need to be right, or to be perfect, because they've learned to value themselves in spite of shortcomings they freely acknowledge. In turn, they bring this generous spirit to those they lead.

The more leaders make us feel valued, in spite of our imperfections, the less energy we will spend asserting, defending and restoring our value, and the more energy we have available to create value.

All four capacities are grounded in one overarching insight. Great leaders recognize that the best way to get the highest value is to give the highest value.