The Impending Death of a Friend

First a little background - I have been training a husband and wife, both of whom are serious cyclists and both of whom are in their 60s, for the better part of five years. I have been training her, M, year-round, while I generally trained him, R, during the off season and early into the season. Like many of my clients, I feel like I know them very well and I think of them as friends.

A year ago this last December, in 2010, R was diagnosed with intestinal cancer after a couple of months of poor recovery after rides and just generally feeling worn out. It was operable with minimal issues.

However, as is often the case, the cancer had spread to the liver and was quite advanced. He was immediately put on chemotherapy. Over the following year, the chemo was adjusted a couple of times, and the progress was less than hoped. Early on, the tumor had ceased growing, but it was not shrinking. Over that time, R lost an incredible amount of weight, became increasingly fatigued, and has nearly lost his voice. Also during the past couple of months, the pain has become much worse, and he nearly always on some form of morphine at this point.

When M came in for her session this week, she told me that R had spoken with the docs and they have decided to stop the chemo and make arrangements for a hospice nurse. If possible, he wants to stay in the home until the end.

One of my clients, as I have mentioned before, is a cancer researcher. I knew from talking with her that the outlook was not good from day one. Somehow, though, I never stopped hoping that R would beat this and be okay. I certainly never wanted M to know that I was not fully convinced he could beat the big C.

I don't think she is able to feel the feelings at this point - she is in survival mode, which I totally get. I would be the same way.

But I have been unable to stop thinking about his impending death - R said two or three weeks but it's not clear if that is the prognosis from the docs or just his sense of it. The last time I saw him he looked tired and skeletal from the weight loss. But we talked until his voice gave out, and he seemed to be full of fight and determination.

But this is who he is - stoic, quiet about his suffering, unwilling to show weakness or pain, even to his wife. To him, he is sheltering her from the harsh reality of his pain. In his mind, this is how men are - and in that way, he shares a lot with how my father was with his heart disease and other health issues.

I am choosing to remember him with a wry smile, a deadpan sense of humor, and a competitive spirit that made him an outstanding softball pitcher (fast pitch), able to make a living in his youth hustling pool, and an excellent cyclist into his mid-60s.

And the hardest part will be seeing how this impacts M, seeing her pain and loss, because I know those feelings. I have offered any support she needs, and she will not ask for any. For her, the hour each week she spends with me is an escape from everything else, a time to focus on the weights, chat about pro cycling, or whatever else is current.

Everyone copes in their own way - I will gladly offer that hour each week, with an open heart for whatever she needs.

The Heart Of Humanity - Sitting With Our Sadness

A Daily Om from a while back. It takes some serious courage to sit with our sadness and pain and not run away or try to escape. We need to recognize this as a kind of strength and courage in men, and not see it as a weakness, or as feminine.

The Heart Of Humanity
Sitting With Our Sadness

When we are dealing with sadness it is important to really sit with it and have to courage to do so.
The last thing most of us want to hear or think about when we are dealing with profound feelings of sadness is that deep learning can be found in this place. In the midst of our pain, we often feel picked on by life, or overwhelmed by the enormity of some loss, or simply too exhausted to try and examine the situation. We may feel far too disappointed and angry to look for anything resembling a bright side to our suffering. Still, somewhere in our hearts, we know that we will eventually emerge from the depths into the light of greater awareness. Remembering this truth, no matter how elusive it seems, can help.

The other thing we often would rather not hear when we are dealing with intense sadness is that the only way out of it is through it. Sitting with our sadness takes the courage to believe that we can bear the pain and the faith that we will come out the other side. With courage, we can allow ourselves to cycle through the grieving process with full inner permission to experience it. This is a powerful teaching that sadness has to offer us the ability to surrender and the acceptance of change go hand in hand.

Another teaching of sadness is compassion for others who are in pain, because it is only in feeling our own pain that we can really understand and allow for someone else's. Sadness is something we all go through, and we all learn from it and are deepened by its presence in our lives. While our own individual experiences of sadness carry with them unique lessons, the implications of what we learn are universal. The wisdom we gain from going through the process of feeling loss, heartbreak, or deep disappointment gives us access to the heart of humanity.

Tags: The Heart Of Humanity, Sitting With Our Sadness, Daily Om, psychology, sadness, pain, personal growth, courage, men, strength, masculinity