The 75 Movies Every Man Should See
Kick off Esquire.com's Movie Week with our unranked, incomplete, utterly biased list of the greatest films ever put on celluloid — and, subsequently, on DVD. Find out how many you've watched, and add to your Netflix queue along the way.
1. In the Heat of the NightNever has a man been in a more wrong place at a more wrong time.
2.Slap Shot
Mr. Paul Newman. On skates. On ice. Covered in blood.
3.Iron Man
He's just a man doing his best with the superpowered robotic heart that the good Lord gave him.
4. Jaws
The shark was a giant malfunctioning puppet with fake teeth, and it still scared the ever-loving shit out of you.
5.Save the Tiger
The nominees for Best Actor, 1973: Brando, Nicholson, Redford, Pacino, Lemmon. And the Oscar goes to: Jack Lemmon.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Esquire - The 75 Movies Every Man Should See
Monday, May 11, 2009
INTEGRAL WARRIORS: The path of the Shamanic Priest and Embodying the New Masculine
INTEGRAL WARRIORS: The path of the Shamanic Priest and Embodying the New Masculine
Here's a brief synopsis of some of what we'll be doing in the workshop series that takes place over several months. I've also added in elements of Integral Theory, developmental psychology, and elements of David Deida's work, for what others have called "a fully integrated approach to the new masculine."
The most important session is the Introductory weekend taking place late this month in Vancouver. It is an overview of the full process so men can determine whether to commit to the following three sessions, or not. Admittedly, this is not for everyone.
The Shamanic Priest Process is a committed program structured to deeply explore the archetypal forces within the psyches of all men. Our weekends are designed to activate and empower the Shaman within and to reclaim the masculine, not as Patriarch (Power Over) or overly feminized (Power Under), but as the Shamanic Priest (Power Within). We will use the Shamanic Breathwork (tm) Process, ritual, vision questing and group work to embrace each initiation.
The Five Initiations are:
Initiation #1 - Death of the Old King - Three stages of masculinity. How is the patriarchy affecting your life? What are you willing to let die? Birthing the New Masculine.
Initiation #2 - The New Spiritual Warrior - Claiming your fierceness. Standing firm for what you believe is right. What is your mission?
Initiation #3 - Finding Your Inner Beloved - Integrating the shadow side of love. Reclaiming your power. Understanding anima.
Initiation #4 - Deep Leadership - The Tyrant and the True Leader. Leading with integrity. The Soverign Principle.
Initiation #5 - Embodying the Shamanic Priest - A body-felt experience of the Divine. Accepting the mantle of spiritual leadership. Creating and holding sacred space.
Men of vision are being called to go through their own inner healing and to shepherd the planet through this time of transformation. If you have heard the call, come join us in the search for the New Masculine (from www.shamanicbreathwork.org).
About Gary
Gary is an ordained Shamanic Minister in the lineage the Venus Rising Institute for Shamanic Healing Arts, west of Asheville, North Carolina, and a Shamanic Priest. Gary is also a Certified Pastoral Counselor and is becoming a Certified Shamanic Breathwork™ Facilitator and has a degree in graphic design and Illustration.
He has been a pioneer in the Integral Salon movement, having co-founded and led SeattleIntegral, one of the largest integral salons in the world and a model for other salons around the world. Gary is also a member of the integral leadership Salon, an international consortium of salon leaders, and has a certificate in “Generating Transformative Change in Human Systems” from Seattle’s Pacific Integral.
Gary is also the founder and facilitator of the men’s workshop series “Integral Warriors” and co-founder and co-facilitator of the relationship workshop “Discovering Your Sacred Purpose as a Couple” with his Beloved, Priestess Anyaa McAndrew. His passions include creating community and sharing with others how to embody Integral and Shamanic consciousness.
For more information, contact Ken Rushworth, re2012@gmail.com or at (604) 885-6688 0r (604) 828-5369.
Contact Gary at: garystamper@yahoo.com or phone: (206) 779-5870
Introductory weekend cost $278.00, with no obligation to continue.
Regular Tuition: $557.00 per 4-day session, available room & board not included. This is a committed series and when you register you commit attending all 3 sessions.
Deposit/Registration fee is $150, non-refundable, and applies toward tuition.
Pre-registration is required. Space is limited.
Recommended reading:
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - Moore & Gillette
The Way of the Superior Man - David deida
The Hero's Journey - Joseph Campbell
Saturday, May 9, 2009
New Testosterone Injections Work as Male Contraceptive
Yeah, I know, I must urge you to practice safe sex with new partners and use a condom. Please, the life you save may be your own.
But if you are in a serious monogamous relationship and your woman is tired of taking the pill, or doesn't like the side effects (yes, guys, there are often side effects), soon you will be able to step up and be responsible for the lack of babies.
Oh yeah, there is huge upside, guys. This is a steroid injection (yes, that's cheating, or whatever) - and it will help you build muscle, keep your heart healthy, reduce depression, make you stronger, improve your mood, burn off some bodyfat, and all kinds of other good things.
So no babies, bigger muscles, and less fat. Sounds great, sign me up!
New Testosterone Injections Work as Male Contraceptive
By: Allie Montgomery
Published: Thursday, 7 May 2009
Pregnancy is a big step in life for any couple. Until now, there have only been a few ways to prevent pregnancy and most of them are centered around the female. Now, there is a new monthly injection of testosterone that works as a contraceptive in men, allowing the responsibility of birth control to be shared among the sexes.
For years, scientists have been looking for a contraceptive to be the male equivalent to the Pill. The trials that were conducted in the 1990s found that weekly injections of testosterone reduced the sperm counts for 98 percent of the men, and the effects disappeared when the injections were stopped. However, the researchers thought that the weekly injections would be considered too unpopular and troublesome with men to be a very useful method of contraception.
Since then, researchers have been experimenting with injections that are oil-based. They combined the testosterone with tea seed oil which means that once it was injected, it was absorbed very slowly by the body. This also means that the effect of a single injection could last for much longer.
A new, large-scale study has looked at how well the monthly injections of testosterone has worked as a contraceptive and how safe they really are. The recent study looked at approximately 1,045 Chinese men that were between the ages of 20 and 45, had fathered at least one child in the two years prior to the study, and were in a stable relationship.
For six months, the men that participated in the study took monthly injections of testosterone in their buttocks. After that time, most of the men had very low sperm counts. However, the testosterone injections failed to lower the sperm count in about 5 percent of the men.
If the injections were successful, the men continued to take them for two years. However, many of the participants dropped out over time, so only 733 actually completed the trial. Also during the trial, the sperm count rose again for just over 1 percent of the men, and there were nine pregnancies during the two years. Overall, after the first year of the study, there was 1 pregnancy for every 100 men that participated. At the end of the second year, the pregnancy rate was fractionally higher at 1.1 per 100 men.
Condoms, when they are used perfectly, have about a 2 in 100 pregnancy rate a year. With the female contraceptive pill, the pregnancy rate is approximately 0.3 in 100. It is very important to remember that most of the contraceptives are a lot less effective in the real world than these ‘"perfect use" figures suggest, because people can forget to take a pill or the condom can fail to work properly.
An important question is whether the men’s sperm count rose again after the testosterone injections were stopped. For most of the men it took approximately 200 days for their sperm count to return to normal, however, 17 of the men still had not recovered their fertility after one year. Most of the men who participated had a normal sperm count after an extra three months, but two of the men were still not producing sperm after this time period.
The side of effects of the injections included tenderness at the injection site, a rash or acne, and some men experienced changes in their sex drive. These changes varied from man to man, but the most common side effect was a sex drive that was higher.
The next question is, what does this mean for me? The injection is currently being tested in Phase III trials, which are considered the largest scale human trials that are carried out before a new drug is released to the market. If a new medication is safe and effective in Phase III trials, its manufacturer can then apply to the appropriate regulatory agency for a license to manufacture and sell the product. There is no definite timescale, but it is usually a few years from the successful completion Phase III trials to the launch of the new product.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Nate Green - Mythbusters Vol 4
Nate Green busts a few myths from the world of weight training. A good article from an up and coming writer at T-Nation. Pay attention to this kid (yes, he is a kid at 23 years old), he'll be a name to watch in fitness and strength writing.Mythbusters Vol 4
by Nate GreenIn Mythbusters Volume 1, Volume 2 and Volume 3, our team of coaches put the smack down on some of the most pervasive gym myths that cloud our consciousness and keep us from building lean, muscular, powerful bodies.
It's more of the same in Volume 4, with Tony Gentilcore, Eric Cressey, Chad Waterbury, and Christian Thibaudeau debunking, denuding, debilitating, and defibrillating all the conventional wisdom that's overstated, oversimplified, overwrought, or just plain over.
Myth: You should only perform 1 to 5 reps for strength and 6 to 12 reps for size.
Mythbuster: Tony GentilcoreThose parameters are decent starting points for the strength-endurance continuum. It's good for new lifters to understand why they're told to do things the way people like me tell them to do it.
The problems begin when lifters become convinced that X amount of reps only elicits one specific result. It's not that simple.
Let's say you take a friend to the gym with you one day. And let's say the two of you used to train together back in high school, but that was 10 years ago, and he hasn't trained since then. You've gotten stronger; he's gotten weaker. You get to the bench press station, and you're warming up with 185, but for him that's a one-rep max. And that's being generous — that one rep is with his butt off the bench and veins popping out so far on his forehead you're afraid he's going to end up with facial hemorrhoids.
What's the best thing for him to do in future workouts, assuming you've inspired him to get back in shape? Low reps until he gets his strength back? No, he needs to do high reps to improve his form and develop a base of strength and muscular endurance.
Now, if you look at the strength-endurance continuum and nothing else, you might tell him to stay away from sets with more than 12 reps — you can't get stronger on those. But you'd be wrong.
A beginner — which is what your friend has become after 10 years — can gain strength with as little as 40% of his one-rep max. That means he could train with as little as 75 pounds and still increase his strength with sets of 15 to 20 reps. That won't work for long, and chances are he won't be happy about using less weight than the adolescent soccer player over on the next bench. But, in theory, it wouldn't be useless for him to train with such a humbling load.
If you could get him to start with 95 pounds — just over half his 1RM — with sets of 12 to 15 reps, he'd probably see rapid gains in strength, along with some visible muscle gains and the expected improvement in muscle endurance.
Now let's fast-forward a year. Your friend has been training consistently, and made great progress. But now he tells you he's stuck. Hasn't gotten bigger or stronger for a couple of months. He describes his workout, and it turns out that he's been training in that "hypertrophy zone" all the time, on every exercise. Three sets of 10. Four sets of eight.
What do you think will happen if you put him on a program that uses, say, five sets of five reps? My bet is that he'll grow like a weed in a matter of weeks.
A few months later, you put him on a program where he's sometimes training with near-max weights, just two or three per set. The continuum says that's the "pure strength" zone, but if he hasn't lifted like that since high school, and he's recruiting his high-threshold motor units for the first time in his adult life, don't you think he'll pack on some additional muscle mass? (Chad Waterbury just gave me a virtual high-five.)
So the traditional parameters are useful guidelines, and they certainly offer a sense of structure to inexperienced lifters. But we all need to remember that the continuum is where the conversation begins, not the final word. All of us make our best gains when we step out of the most familiar part of the range and experiment with something else.
Myth: Want to add sprints to your routine? Just get on the track and have at it!
Mythbuster: Eric CresseyIt's not as simple as heading out to the track and lacing up your old pair of Nikes. Even lean, strong, flexible, well-coordinated athletes can get hurt if they don't have good mechanics for sprinting.
If you train regularly but rarely run, you have no business going full-throttle right from the start. That's a recipe for pulled hamstrings, hip flexors, and adductors. It also beats the hell out of your joints. Every time you land, you're pummeling your knees, hips, and lower back with ground-reaction forces of up to four times your body weight.
Just about any of us who haven't sprinted in a while need some prep work. You might need to drop some fat, or address some flexibility deficits, or just take a few weeks to build up to full-speed running.
Once you've done your prep work, though, the benefits are enormous.
First, we all know how useful it is for high-intensity interval training, a great tool for fat loss as well as athletic conditioning.
Second, sprinting can help resolve a common but rarely discussed imbalance within the hip-flexor muscles. If do most of your cardio on a stairclimber or elliptical machine, chances are your psoas muscles are underused and underdeveloped. Two other hip flexors — the rectus femoris (the quadriceps muscle on the top of your thigh) and tensor fascia latae (on your hip, next to your glute medius) — tend to be overrecruited.
The psoas are the only hip-flexor muscles that continue to work above 90 degrees of hip flexion, which is why sprints can fix the problem, or help you avoid it in the first place. We see this a lot with distance runners who tend to get past a lot of common lower-extremity issues simply by running faster.
Third, sprinting is probably the single-best form of plyometric training you'll find. This is the flip side of the stress to your joints from the ground-reaction forces. It has tremendous value in the way it helps athletes make better use of the stretch-shortening cycle.
Of course, all these benefits assume that you know how to sprint correctly. Teaching good sprint mechanics isn't part of our elementary-school curricula, so chances are that most TMUSCLE readers could use some one-on-one coaching. If that's not an option, try videotaping yourself for an online critique.
Myth: Want a six-pack like a bodybuilder? Train your abs!
Mythbuster: Chad WaterburyWhat do you do when you want to make a muscle bigger? You train it, right?
Everyone knows the way to build bigger muscles is to work those muscles heavy, hard, and often. The particulars might vary, but that's the underlying theme when the goal is protruding pecs, bulbous biceps, thunderous thighs, or miscellaneous massiveness. If you want it to grow, you train it.
But what do you do when you want to make your waist smaller?
Most of us would say you should train it — heavy, hard, and often. That's the only way we know to make an otherwise shy six-pack stand up and call attention to itself.
But therein lies the problem. You're looking for two completely different results from the same formula.
Your midsection is made up of muscle tissue, just like your hamstrings and lats. Do enough direct abdominal work, especially with some form of added resistance, and you will make those muscles bigger. Put another way, you will give yourself a bigger waist.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that direct ab work will make you look pregnant, or even seriously constipated. And I'm not saying a strong core isn't important — you need one if you're going to lift heavy enough, hard enough, and often enough to develop the rest of your body. So you shouldn't stop training it completely.
But if your goal is to develop the six-pack of a bodybuilder, with a narrow waist that makes your upper body look proportionally bigger, you might need to reduce the amount of direct core training in your workouts.
Start by eliminating crunches and side bends, or at least keep the volume low on those exercises. Spinal flexion can weaken the discs in your spine and make them more susceptible to injury. And lateral flexion gives you thicker obliques without offering any functional benefit.
The best strategy is to use exercises that resist movement at the spine. Variations of the plank and side plank are the best place to start, since they don't induce any hypertrophy. From there, move to exercises such as the Turkish get-up, Pallof press, and one-arm plank. (For some new and innovative approaches to core training, check out this article.)
Myth: Leg presses and chest flyes are inferior exercises.
Mythbuster: Christian ThibaudeauThere's no such thing as universally mandatory or useless exercises. Everything is relative to one's biomechanics and muscle dominance.
Someone with long legs — especially if the upper portion of the leg is proportionally longer than the lower — might not get optimal hypertrophy stimulation in his lower body from doing regular squats. But he may respond well to leg presses.
Then you have guys with short legs and a proportionally long torso who'll grow huge quads from doing squats and only squats. In fact, when I competed in Olympic weightlifting, that's the only lower-body exercise I did.
Finally, you have long-legged guys with proportional upper and lower portions who have short torsos. They'll get amazing glute and hamstring stimulation from squats, but will barely hit their quads.
So saying one exercise is "inferior" to another is pretty stupid. It's all about your leverages.
Interestingly, when it comes to building muscle in the arms and legs, I've also found that individuals with longer limbs generally require more isolation movements to train their extremities. Those with shorter limbs don't need much, if any. However, the short-limbed people often need more isolation exercises for their chest, back, and shoulders.
Finally, muscle dominance will naturally influence the relative efficacy of an exercise for a specific individual. For example, someone with a very strong posterior chain — lower back, glutes, and hamstrings — will tend to get very little quadriceps development from squats. The posterior chain will tend to take over much of the workload, and thus receive more stimulation. This guy needs to do exercises where the lower back, glutes, and hamstrings can't take over the exercise and perform a greater proportion of the work.
Leg presses are such an exercise, especially when they're performed with a close stance and the feet in the middle or bottom part of the pad. Believe it or not, leg extensions would also be a good choice in that situation, assuming the only goal is to build quadriceps size.
The same can be said for bench presses, rows, and pulls-ups and chin-ups. If your triceps or biceps are dominant, they'll take over on nearly every chest or back exercise. Isolation exercises for the chest and back thus become a necessity — again assuming the goal is maximum muscle development.
Isolation exercises can also be used as a learning tool when it comes to muscle recruitment. If you have trouble making your chest grow, for example, it could be due to an inability to recruit the high-threshold motor units within that muscle group, the ones with the greatest growth potential. You probably have a hard time feeling your pecs work when you're bench pressing.
There's a quick and easy solution and that's using the pre-fatigue method. Do an isolation exercise for your chest — a chest flye — immediately before the bench press. You'll get a better sense of your pecs working on the latter exercise. This improves your mind-muscle connection, and you'll eventually become better at recruiting your pecs.
So, really, there are no such things as inferior exercises. It all depends on what's most useful for your particular circumstances.
Your Turn
Have any myths that need to be busted? Click on the "discuss" button and let us know.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
If Your Teen Son Comes Out . . . .
Dan Savage is America's best sex advice columnist, which is not to say that I always agree with him. He can sometimes be insensitive and rude - all of which is why he so loved by his fans. He is somewhat famous for the acronym DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already) when people write in about their clearly lame and/or abusive partners.
In this week's column he gets a serious letter (sometimes it's clear the letters are not very real) from a parent whose teen son has just come out, and has an older boyfriend. The parent has good intentions, but Dan gives some good advice on how to be the best possible parent. Very cool response - and the parent is a model for being open and supportive.
Savage LoveMy 14-year-old son just came out to me. He has a slightly older boyfriend, and they're going to the school dance on Saturday night. I am adjusting to a truth I had long suspected. I am worried, though, that my son will get hurt. We live in the South—North Carolina—but our town has a gay community and an annual pride parade. When I asked him if the other students at school would be cool with him bringing a boy, he said, "Who cares?" Bullying is not a huge problem at his school.
We have had the sex talk several times, but I have always assumed a hetero approach. I think my son is too young for sleepovers with his boyfriend, and I would really like him to wait a couple more years before he gets seriously sexually active, though I expect petting and kissing are givens. Any advice?
Still My Son
Treat your son to some of that equal treatment we gay people are always going on about, SMS, and treat him just like you'd treat your 14-year-old straight kid. No responsible parent would allow his 14-year-old daughter—and that's how you should think of him for now (more on that in a moment)—to have sleepovers with her slightly older boyfriend, right? So no sleepovers for your gay kid. Remember: You can be supportive and be his advocate without signing off on stuff you wouldn't sign off on for a straight child—indeed, it's the best way to show your support.
What else can you do? You can hover, scrutinize, interfere—all the crap that parents typically do when their children begin to date. For instance, SMS, this boy your son is seeing? Have you met him? Meet him. How much older is he? Find out. Are they messing around? Ask them. Make sure your son understands that he doesn't have to engage in anal intercourse to be authentically gay, or all grown-up, or out. He can take things slow—he should take things slow. Encourage your son to date, to hold hands, to make out. And you should, as awkward as it's going to feel to say so aloud, encourage your son, when he does become sexually active, to stick with mutual masturbation and oral sex for a good, long time—until he's sure he's ready for intercourse, not just anxious for it.
Getting back to the daughter business: You should also regard your son, at least through his adolescence, as more of a daughter to you than a son. We tend to be more protective of our daughters—our straight daughters—than we are of our sons. Why? A sexist desire to keep our daughters "pure"? That's a part of it, sure, but there's also this: Men are pigs, and people on the receiving end of male sexual desire/attention are in more danger than people on the receiving end of female sexual desire/attention. (In general—individual results may vary.) Testosterone is the crystal meth of hormones, a badass drug, and men are more likely to be abusive and violent. The prevalence of HIV among gay men makes the stakes higher for your son. So don't allow him to date anyone you don't get to meet and approve of, and don't confuse "being supportive" with "letting him do whatever/whomever he wants." Be active, be engaged, and never stop being his meddling, interfering, hypersuspicious dad.
Good luck, SMS. It sounds like your son lucked out having you as a parent.
Simple Marriage - How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse
Here is some good information from Corey Allan at the Simple Marriage site.
How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse
photo credit: HAMED MASOUMI
Sex is an important aspect of most every marriage. Your sexuality plays a major role in life. It influences how you dress, act, and interact with others around you. It’s everywhere.
Stand in line at your local grocery store and see if you can avoid seeing the word sex on a magazine cover. You’ll likely see it several times.
Talking about sex however, is possibly one of the more difficult conversations in life. Did you realize that for many people, it’s easier to talk about sex with friends than it is with your sexual partner? Why is that?
It’s tied to the anxiety these intimate subjects and acts create.
Do you remember how nervous you were during your first sexual encounter? Filled with uncertainty, the exploration of the unknown, being vulnerable with someone else, sharing new parts of yourself with another person.
After a while, the nervousness subsides, confidence increases, but routine takes over. If you’re honest, you probably have a set amount of sex routines. It’s always Sunday afternoon, must be in the dark, they do me then I do them.
I’m sure there are times when the routine is altered and the playbook is thrown out the window, but it’s likely that the new plays designed will simply replace some of the older ones.
There is nothing wrong with playbook sex, especially when both of you enjoy it. But what happens when one of you wants to alter the plays a bit?
It’s usually hard to bring up intimate subjects with those you care about. There’s a lot of risk involved with these conversations. Just because the topic is intimate and the person is someone you love, don’t back down from bringing up the things that are important to you.
When it comes to talking with your spouse about sex, here’s a few things to keep in mind.
- Timing is key. It’s not a good idea to bring up the subject of sex while having sex (this is different than a follow the connection talking which enhances the experience). If you want to discuss some unresolved aspect of your sexual relationship or a disappointment or frustration, during sex is not a good time for the discussion. Both of you will likely be less open and objective about the conversation. It’s also not a good idea to bring up touchy subjects at bedtime.
- Be honest. If you are going to address this subject, be upfront and honest. This may seem like common sense but there are many people who resort to code words or only bring things up half-way.
- Avoid placing blame and attacking. It’s easy to address this topic with statements like “Why do you always want to …” or “You always seem to initiate when I’m…” Anytime a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively, it’s part of our survival nature. During personal discussions, take care of yourself. Talk about your experience, your thoughts, your feelings. While this will still impact your partner and may possibly hurt a bit, it increases the chances that you will be heard.
- Ask questions. Seek to hear their side of things, be clear on their perspective. This is especially good advice if you have a spouse who’s reluctant to have this conversation.
- Listen intently throughout the conversation. Slowing down to really listen can help keep the conversation calm, not less emotionally charge. But the less reactive you are, the more likely a good resolution will result.
- Fill the conversation with respect. Avoid talking down to your spouse and assuming they know what you’re thinking. Also avoid interrupting them while they’re speaking.
As the conversation proceeds, you should also examine and discuss these sexual styles (everyone has these styles or moods at some point):
- Spiritual - The union of the mind, body and soul during sexual encounters together. This connection comes from your deep appreciation of being with each other and is created by being more aware of the little moments in your life.
- Lusty - The flirty and wicked looks at one another, the quickies, and the pleasure of having sex simply for the sex.
- Tender - The gentle, romantic, affectionate touch that involves massages, light touches, and catering to one another.
- Funny - Teasing and laughing with each other in bed. Having fun with one another.
- Angry - This is making love even when you’re ticked off at each other (yes it is possible). This can be reparative and healing, provided the issues you’re angry about are still addressed.
- Fantasy - This probably needs little explanation. It’s the style of collaboration between the two of you - to create a bit of daring and experimentation. Could be role play, new positions, or risky locations.
We are designed as sexual beings, but don’t forget that one of the most sexual parts of our design - is our mind.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The New Man - Episode 61: Sandor Gardos - Get Your Sex Life Off of Life Support
Episode 61: Sandor Gardos - Get Your Sex Life Off of Life Support
Sandor Gardos -- Get Your Sex Life Off of Life Support
What’s the deal with this myth that marriage is the death to your sex life? Does it have to be this way? Do you have to spend the rest of your days sneaking around with porn or affairs to get your sexual needs met?
In this episode, Dr. Sandor Gardos returns to The New Man to lay out some very simple things you can do to get the sexual juices flowing in your committed relationship.
In this show:
- Oprah’s Vah-J-J
- Vibrator called “The Sure Thing”
- The Aphrodite
- Oprah makes it ok to use sex toys
- It’s now mainstream to take an active role in making sex lives better
- Myth: Sex life is over after marriage
- Chris Rock
- Married life = death of sex
- Repressing sexual desire
- Turning to porn
- Having affairs
- What can this guy do?
- Not a myth that sex changes in marriage
- Being passive won’t make it better
- Probably not as bad as you think it is
- Desire discrepancy
- Most common thing sex therapists deal with in couples
- Polarizing sex
- Couples are closer to sexual desires than perception
- Taking it personally that she doesn’t want to have sex
- Perceived rejection
- Coping mechanisms
- Shutting off desire -- clamping it off
- Not being alive as a man when cutting off sexual desire
- Trying to “keep the peace” doesn’t serve the relationship
- Resentment is almost irreversible
- Avoiding anger actually builds resentment
- What a guy can do to turn this around
- Simple techniques
- Change the dynamic
- It’s not always that the guy wants all the sex
- For half of couples, the woman wants more sex
- Non-goal oriented sensuality
- Keep her guessing
- Sex is no longer about ejaculation
- Neediness is not attractive
- Build arousal and passion
- Getting out of the sexual routine
- Routine is the enemy of passion
- Novelty is an aphrodisiac
- Small changes can have a big impact
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Talk of the Nation - Secret Lives of Boys
Main point: all teen boys have a secret - they all feel like they don't belong. I remember that feeling, hell, I still feel that way sometimes, particularly around traditionally masculine men. Too bad young men (boys) don't feel as though they can talk to each other about these feelings - it would no doubt help to know that every other boy feels the same isolation.
The Raw And Emotional 'Secret Lives Of Boys'
Listen Now [35 min 32 sec] add to playlist
Talk of the Nation, May 4, 2009 · Malina Saval wasn't satisfied with the easy archetypes — nerd, jock, troublemaker — people turn to when talking about teenage boys. She interviewed about 30 boys to find out who they are and what they think about themselves for her book, The Secret Lives Of Boys.
Based on her interviews, Saval outlines a variety of complicated types of boy, from "The Mini-Adult" to "The Gay, Vegan, Hearing-Impaired Republican," as well as "The Rich Kid," "The Teenage Dad," and "The Sheltered One." And each one, she writes, has a secret.
* * *
Excerpt: 'The Secret Lives Of Boys'
by Malina Saval
Paul MindellAuthor Malina Saval's The Secret Lives Of Boys first appeared as a cover article in LA Weekly.
© 2009Introduction: Madolescence
There is a general consensus that American culture has failed our boys, and they have failed us. We hear that they are falling behind in grammar school, in high school, in college. In numerous articles and books they are portrayed as being limp-as-spaghetti, verbally challenged creatures lacking the emotional resolve or innate intellectual wherewithal to react and respond to society's demands on them. They are repressed, they are troubled and sad, society has somehow sucked away boys' ability to emote (glaring examples of this attitude rest in such annals as William Pollack's Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood; and Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, by psychologists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson). So now we're instructed that we must teach them how to be emotional before it's too late. It's not just that boys don't cry, we are now told — it's that they don't know how.
My goal, as I set out to write this book, was to find a well-balanced cross-section of teenage boys from all walks of life — rich, poor, white, black, Jewish, Christian, Muslim, agnostic — so that each parent opening this book could find his or her son on one of its pages. In the end, each boy's personality, and not his race, religion, or socioeconomic condition, was what prevailed during my interviews as the most crucial and telling characteristic. I chose to focus on a handful of boys who seemed the most enthusiastic in telling their stories. Ultimately, it wasn't about what his last name was or whether he attended church or synagogue or mosque or whether he lived in the country or in the city that made each of these boys relatable. Because boys, like all of us, are far more alike than different.
Yet most available books about boys, the odd cover story in Newsweek, and featured segments on 20/20 focus on our young men as a homogeneous whole, a collective entity with no discernibly varying characteristics. Boys are often thought of as unknowable enigmas who all seem to need help. Boys are in crisis. Boys have ADD. Boys are unemotional. Boys don't talk. Boys are on the verge of apocalyptic self-destruction. Over the course of the past decade, boys have been reduced to an anxiety-inducing headline.
Having tracked the lives of boys over the past several years as both an educator and a journalist writing articles about teens, I've found that many of our views of boys are nowhere close to reality. Boys cry. Boys emote. Some don't, of course, but some girls don't either. Some boys talk more than girls. Many of the boys I spoke with gabbed nonstop for hours.
As a teacher, I have a perspective on boys that most parents don't attain. For the most part, in the classes I have taught at the high school, junior high, and elementary levels, boys have always been among the most articulate, thoughtful, and enthusiastic students.
Boys, if they are in crisis, are in as much a state of crisis as the rest of us.
Clinicians and researchers have provided valuable learning tools that help us understand adolescent behavior. Many scholars have established theories and arguments about boys' fledgling standardized scores, plunging grades, rates of depression, and use of drugs. There are some figures that understandably spur alarm — such as the spike in boys' suicide rates — which in turn raise the right kind of awareness.
Beyond the studies — the bar graphs, pie charts, and percentages — I wondered what it would be like to experience life with teenage boys on their own home turf, to crouch down in the proverbial foxhole with them as they study for tests, watch their favorite movies, woo girlfriends, face rejection, fill their prescriptions, shop for clothes, do or choose not to do their homework.
As I started researching this book, I began an eye-opening, patience-flexing, awe-inspiring, and sometimes disconcerting journey into the inner sanctum of American boyhood culture. I interviewed people who work in high school education, contacted graduate school professors, and cold-called student and youth religious organizations in cities and states across the nation. I contacted the parents of former students. I talked to the younger siblings of colleagues and friends. I sought out boys through every outlet that would allow me to spend time with them not confined to a classroom or clinical setting.
My mission was to secure a small group of boys and focus on each one over a period of months. I selected the ten boys you will meet in this book on the basis of their insight and their courage to speak candidly about topics ranging from depression to sex to drugs to parental resentment. In getting to know these boys, I drafted an initial list of inter view questions. I asked many of the boys the same questions, which changed as our conversations changed, as did the scope of the questions. I wound up spending anywhere from four months to two years observing, interviewing, and chatting with the boys as they went about everyday life.
Boys today face situations and problems that are vastly different from issues earlier generations have faced. Teenage boys twenty years ago didn't have to worry about cyber sex or cyber bullies. They didn't have to deal with international terrorism. They didn't have to deal with other kids slamming their reputation on Facebook. The constant stimulation of mass media and in-your-face popular culture means that boys have to adapt to a veritable maelstrom of influences — some good, others detrimental — and learn new ways of dealing with the overwhelming opportunities available to them in the way of sex, drugs, and mental stimulation.
Despite the various media outlets available to teens to air their feelings, many of the boys I spoke with felt steeped in loneliness. When the boys expressed how lonely they felt at times, it was because they didn't believe there was anybody out there who understood them. They felt "different" from everyone else and lacked soul mate figures with whom they could share their innermost thoughts. They didn't always feel like they had close friends to talk to, and their parents, they told me, didn't always want to know the truth — about their children or about themselves. They weren't intentionally elusive when it came to what they told their parents; rather, their parents just weren't ready to hear what they had to say.
The boys told me straight out that they were not just looking for someone to talk to, but someone to talk with. They want you to hear what they have to say, and they are inviting responsive conversation. As one mother of a teenage boy I spoke with put it after reading a draft of her child's chapter, "I feel like I just met my kid."
From the book The Secret Lives of Boys by Malina Saval. Excerpted by arrangement with Basic Books, a member of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright © 2009.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Developing Sex-Typed Personality Traits And Interests
This longitudinal study looked at sex-type personality traits over time, and mostly from a cultural / inter-subjective point of view. Based on this study, there is no way to disentangle the nature vs. nurture element of the study, but the results are still quite interesting, especially the find that males by age 19 are equal with females in sensitivity and warmth.
The only biological finding is that early and higher levels of testosterone tend to provide some protection against social pressures - a finding that makes sense since we know that higher testosterone correlates with higher levels of self-confidence.
Developing Sex-Typed Personality Traits And Interests
A new longitudinal study of children's personality traits and interests tells us that sex-typed characteristics develop differently in girls and boys. The study, by researchers at The Pennsylvania State University, the University of Hawaii at Manoa, and Purdue University, appears in the March/April 2009 issue of the journal Child Development.
The researchers looked at first- and second-born siblings from nearly 200 mostly White, middle-class American families. They collected information through home interviews conducted over seven years, activity diaries provided by the children, and saliva samples that measured the children's testosterone levels.
Not surprisingly, girls and boys differed in their sex-typed personality qualities and their sex-typed activity interests in early adolescence, with girls showing higher levels of expressive traits (such as kindness and sensitivity) and interest in "feminine" activities (such as the arts and reading), and boys showing higher levels of instrumental traits (such as independence and adventurousness) and interest in "masculine" activities (such as sports and math).
Girls' stereotypically feminine, expressive traits didn't change over time. In contrast, boys' sensitivity and warmth declined substantially across middle childhood but increased in later adolescence so that by about age 19, boys reported about the same levels of sensitivity and warmth as girls. For stereotypically masculine traits such as independence and adventurousness, girls showed increases only in middle childhood, but in boys, these traits rose across adolescence. This pattern meant that by the end of high school, boys had many more of these characteristics than girls.
The study also found that changes in girls' and boys' personality traits and interests were related to how they spent their time. In general, girls who spent time with other females developed female personality characteristics, and boys who pursued activities with other males developed male characteristics. Time with female peers was the exception: Boys and girls who spent time with friends who were girls increased in independence and adventurousness.
The research also found that interests and traits developed differently in first-born children than in children born second. For example, second-born children showed increases in traits like adventurousness and independence across adolescence, whereas in firstborns, these traits did not change much over time. These findings are consistent with the idea that first-borns conform more, while second-borns are more likely to rebel. Finally, children who showed faster rates of increase in the hormone testosterone in early adolescence weren't as affected by social influences on their personality development.
The study was funded by the Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.
Source:
Sarah Hutcheon
Society for Research in Child Development
Saturday, May 2, 2009
DO WOMEN HAVE BETTER EMPATHY THAN MEN?
DO WOMEN HAVE BETTER EMPATHY THAN MEN?There is a video at the site.
Simon Baron-CohenIn this Edge Video, psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen looks at one test he's developed to see if there are differences between males and females in the mind.
"It turns out that when you test newborn babies—this experiment was done at the age of 24 hours old, where we had 100 babies who were tested looking at two kinds of objects—a human face and a mechanical mobile. And they were filmed for how long they looked at each of these two objects. What you can see here is that on the first day of life, we had more boys than girls looking for longer at the mechanical mobile and more girls than boys looking at the face. So you can see that these differences when they emerge, first of all they seem to emerge very early—at birth—suggesting that there may be a biological component to a sex difference in, in this case, interest in faces; and secondly, they don't apply to all males or all females, these differences emerge as statistical trends when you compare groups."
SIMON BARON-COHEN is Professor of Developmental Psychopathology and Director of the Autism Research Centre at Cambridge University. He is also a Fellow of Trinity College, Cambridge. His several books include Mindblindness; and The Essential Difference: The Truth about the Male and Female Brain.
Simon Baron-Cohen's Edge Bio Page
This is part of a series of Edge Videos of "table-top experiments" presented as part of the 2007 Edge/Serpentine collaboration during Serpentine Gallery Experiment Marathon in London, curated by Hans Ulrich Obrist under the leadership of Director Julia Peyton-Jones. Edge presenters were zoologist Seirian Sumner, archeologist Timothy Taylor, evolutionary biologist Armand Leroi, psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen, geneticist Steve Jones, physicist Neil Turok, embryologist Lewis Wolpert, and psycholgist Steven Pinker and playwright Marcy Kahan. The live event was featured at the Serpentine as part of the Edge/Serpentine collaboration: "What Is Your Formula? Your Equation? Your Algorithm? Formulae For the 21st Century."
Writing in Sueddeutsche Zeitung ("Short Answers To Big Questions"), Feuilleton editor Andrian Kreye noted that:
The experiment is not only represents a collaboration by Brockman and Obrist's of their own work; it is also a continuation of a movement that began in the '60s on America's East Coast. John Cage brought together young artists and scientists for symposia and seminars to see what what would happen in the interaction of big thinkers from different fields. The resulting dialogue, which at the time seemed abstract and esoteric, can today be regarded as the forerunner to interdisciplinary science and the digital culture.

