Male Sexuality: Selfishness or Insecurity?

Do men feel so much pressure to perform in bed that they fail to make a connection with their partner? Sounds like the answer is yes.

However, what if men create intimacy with their partner before having sex. And what if we viewed sex as not about performance but about play, about a shared enjoyment of each other's bodies?

We all need to change our thinking about sex, but it seems that men might have further to go in this area than women.

This post comes from Sexual Intelligence.

Male Sexuality: Selfishness or Insecurity?

Last week I had the pleasure of sharing some time with psychologist Michael Bader. We were on TV together discussing various sexual issues, including male sexuality, the subject (and title) of his new book.

Michael challenges the common idea that men are selfish in bed, that they don’t much care about their partner and don’t really want to be close. He says, in fact, that the opposite is true: that most men face such a crushing sense of responsibility in bed that they are, understandably, insecure. This leads them to focus so much on their performance that a human connection is difficult.

Bravo. As a therapist, I’ve noticed this, too. Performance anxiety accounts for a lot of the erection problems I hear about in the office, as well as a lot of the low desire. In fact, there are guys who say “porn is easier than sex with my wife, because I never feel like I satisfy her.” That’s a far cry from “men are addicted to porn” or “men are afraid of intimacy.”

It’s ironic: when people are too concerned about their partner’s experience, they have trouble relaxing and enjoying sex. And while they think of this over-attention as caring, their partner more often describes it as distance or lack of caring.

And so I tell men AND women that rather than try to figure out what their partner wants in bed, looking obsessively for signs of reaction (positive or negative), they should instead do what they enjoy. When both people do that, AND communicate to each other what they like and don’t like, a couple will find the overlap in their interests, and live happily ever after. Or at least have decent sex periodically.

Tags: sexuality, relationships, pleasure, Male Sexuality, Selfishness or Insecurity?, play, Sexual Intelligence

Esquire - What Is a Man?

Hmmm . . . some good, some not so much. Thoughts?

What Is a Man?

Read this. Print it. Thumbtack it to your desk. Thank us later. (And pick up the "How to Be a Man" issue in the meantime.)

PLUS: The List of Men to Emulate

By Tom Chiarella

A man carries cash. A man looks out for those around him — woman, friend, stranger. A man can cook eggs. A man can always find something good to watch on television. A man makes things — a rock wall, a table, the tuition money. Or he rebuilds — engines, watches, fortunes. He passes along expertise, one man to the next. Know-how survives him. This is immortality. A man can speak to dogs. A man fantasizes that kung fu lives deep inside him somewhere. A man knows how to sneak a look at cleavage and doesn't care if he gets busted once in a while. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. It doesn't matter what his job is, because if a man doesn't like his job, he gets a new one.

A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.

A man owns up. That's why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not.

Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.

A man loves the human body, the revelation of nakedness. He loves the sight of the pale breast, the physics of the human skeleton, the alternating current of the flesh. He is thrilled by the snatch, by the wrist, the sight of a bare shoulder. He likes the crease of a bent knee. When his woman bends to pick up her underwear, he feels that thrum that only a man can feel.

A man doesn't point out that he did the dishes.

A man looks out for children. Makes them stand behind him.

A man knows how to bust balls.

A man has had liquor enough in his life that he can order a drink without sounding breathless, clueless, or obtuse. When he doesn't want to think, he orders bourbon or something on tap.

Never the sauvignon blanc.

A man welcomes the coming of age. It frees him. It allows him to assume the upper hand and teaches him when to step aside.

Maybe he never has, and maybe he never will, but a man figures he can knock someone, somewhere, on his ass.

He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn't winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. He doesn't see himself lost in some great maw of humanity, some grand sweep. That's the liberal thread; it's why men won't line up as liberals.

A man gets the door. Without thinking.

He stops traffic when he must.

A man resists formulations, questions belief, embraces ambiguity without making a fetish out of it. A man revisits his beliefs. Continually. That's why men won't forever line up with conservatives, either.

A man knows his tools and how to use them — just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud, when to use galvanized nails.

A miter saw, incidentally, is the kind that sits on a table, has a circular blade, and is used for cutting at precise angles. Very satisfying saw.

A man knows how to lose an afternoon. Drinking, playing Grand Theft Auto, driving aimlessly, shooting pool.

He knows how to lose a month, also.

A man listens, and that's how he argues. He crafts opinions. He can pound the table, take the floor. It's not that he must. It's that he can.

A man is comfortable being alone. Loves being alone, actually. He sleeps.

Or he stands watch. He interrupts trouble. This is the state policeman. This is the poet. Men, both of them.

A man loves driving alone most of all.

Style — a man has that. No matter how eccentric that style is, it is uncontrived. It's a set of rules.

He understands the basic mechanics of the planet. Or he can close one eye, look up at the sun, and tell you what time of day it is. Or where north is. He can tell you where you might find something to eat or where the fish run. He understands electricity or the internal-combustion engine, the mechanics of flight or how to figure a pitcher's ERA.

A man does not know everything. He doesn't try. He likes what other men know.

A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it's just to put an end to the bickering.

A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided.

A man watches. Sometimes he goes and sits at an auction knowing he won't spend a dime, witnessing the temptation and the maneuvering of others. Sometimes he stands on the street corner watching stuff. This is not about quietude so much as collection. It is not about meditation so much as considering. A man refracts his vision and gains acuity. This serves him in every way. No one taught him this — to be quiet, to cipher, to watch. In this way, in these moments, the man is like a zoo animal: both captive and free. You cannot take your eyes off a man when he is like that. You shouldn't. The hell if you know what he is thinking, who he is, or what he will do next.

Tags: Esquire, What Is a Man?, masculinity, culture, honesty, integrity, ethics, virtue

T-Nation - The 40-Day Program by Dan John

Dan John is strong. He can make you strong, too. But you have to work hard, for 40 days. Sounds like something out of the Old Testament. This comes from T-Nation - where else?

The 40-Day Program
by Dan John

For the record, I'm pretty much done with it. I'm tired of hearing about the incredible number of pull-ups or Hindu push-ups people have done for three months while inexplicably failing to gain any appreciable muscle. Worse yet, these fine people email me, asking what they're doing wrong.

Of course, you know my only question.

What are your goals?

The answer, almost universally, is 1) lose fat and 2) gain some muscle. So, why, I think to myself, are they doing a half-baked high school PE regimen designed from the boot camp programs for wars nearly 75 years ago? It's one thing to train a depression-era farm boy into an infantryman or Marine, but it was never the drill sergeant's goal to prepare you for a photo shoot on the beach with a T-Vixen.

The problem with this boot camp approach is that it's been keyholed into what appears to be a modern and scientific training approach for elite training. When you read that the Soviets or East Germans developed these secret techniques in some secret facility in some secret location, hell, I get all 007, too.

Sadly, for most of us, it's just not working.

Let's look at this approach and let me offer the great insight of this program: the development of qualities.

Quality Development

There were believed to be three stages that one went through for elite performance in a sport. (Really, I should have an exclamation point after "sport," because that's the point most people miss: If you aren't doing this for a sport, usually an individual sport that's part of the Olympics, none of this stuff is going to be important, but follow along, please).

The stages were:

General Physical Preparation (GPP)
Specialized Physical Preparation (SPP)
Competitive Period

If you were born after 1964, none of this has been utilized in your lifetime. So while many trainers embrace these three steps as set in stone, and it certainly has great value even if I'm probably too critical, elite athletes have moved to far more specialization.

Of course, as John Jerome wrote years ago, "Specificity works, but at a price." The price for me has been, at best, a lot of limping and, at worst, a lot of surgeries.

The lessons of accumulation are probably what most people mean when they talk about general physical preparation, but let's discuss these older views of training.

GPP is all about building whatever "qualities" are important for your sport. (Hang on here, this is important.)

SPP is attempting to continue upon the measurements that define the qualities of your sport, but now you attempt to hone skills specific to your sport.

Competition is fairly obvious. It's an attempt to master the skills of your sport during the time of competition. The qualities that you built upon for the past years may or may not support your success and that, as I often tell athletes, is the tragedy of this brand of training.

The skill aspects, which I'm going to ignore after this, relate solely to that sport. If you can barely stand up from a chair, but can toss a shot put over 75 feet, you're the best shot putter in the world and nobody is going to ask about your heart rate. Every second you walked on the treadmill to get your cardio was time away from building yourself into a champion shot putter.

What are the "qualities?" You can come up with your own list, but let's put out the basics:

Strength (the ability to move loads)
Power (the ability to move a load pretty quickly)
Flexibility and/or joint mobility
Endurance (whatever that means any more)
Fat loss (if applicable to your sport or goals)
Hypertrophy (if applicable to your sport or goals)

Obviously, skill shows up in much of any training. Something as simple as speed training can involve lots of deadlifts and squats, but there's also a need for smooth and efficient technique, too. (Although I'd argue genetics is where we start when it comes to elite sprinting.)

Here's the issue: For most, what qualities are we addressing?

Recently, a bodybuilding magazine stated something along these lines: "We don't want to be strong; we just want to look strong." After I vomited a little in my mouth, I thought about it. It's true. Guys who tell me that "I just want to look good naked" — and I pray they aren't thinking of doing that with me — are probably thinking along these lines.

Of course, and I love to point this out, most guys who train to look good naked nearly have to be naked before you can tell they even train. In street clothes, they look like members of the high school band, which is probably why most of them wear T-shirts three sizes too small and love to cut the sleeves off of most of their clothes.

In other words, the two qualities that the bulk of us wish to achieve nearly all of the time are:

1. Fat loss
2. Hypertrophy (more muscle mass or size, but with an eye to symmetry)

Quality: Fat Loss

With perhaps just a simple nod to the two-week Atkin's diet induction, there's no better plan for fat loss than the Velocity Diet. I went from 249 (or 251 depending on how we stood on the scale that day) to 226 in 28 days. My blood profiles improved so much that my doctor kept flipping the results and shaking his head.

Hear me: The 28-day Velocity Diet is the best route for most regarding fat loss.

But, I'm also honest. Many people fail on the V-Diet. Day one is tough, but days two through six are simply brutal. Yes, it eases after week two, but it's never easy. But, it accomplishes the single most common goal for people when they ask me for advice in diet and training.

I strongly urge you to consider the Alpo Diet as part of your reward and punishment plan if you embark on the V-Diet. Oh, the Alpo Diet? If you fail the V-Diet, you have to eat a can of Alpo in front of your friends. Hell, make a movie and put it on the 'net and let me watch it, too. If you can't help but eat a doughnut, smell some Alpo and think about it.

The problem with these two qualities — fat loss and hypertrophy — is that so much has been written on them that most people have lost sight of the keys here. When people think fat loss, in many cases, the first idea is to do massive amounts of crunches, which one world famous bodybuilder told me is the key to getting back surgery in your future.

The answer, then, to most people's goals is to go on the V-Diet, or something along those lines. As always, I'm fine with whatever serious approach you take, either the V-Diet or the Atkins induction or the Warrior diet or whatever, but fat loss is diet. Sorry. The truth will set you free, but you will crave doughnuts.

Folks, the V-Diet will find your six-pack. Mine was there under a nice padding of insulation.

Quality: Hypertrophy

As a strength coach, I field a lot of questions about hypertrophy. Actually, against all public opinion to the contrary, hypertrophy is an important part of the game for many sports.

Mike Ditka, a great American football coach, noted on the radio show "Mike and Mike in the Morning" that, "Some guys look good in the shower, but can't play." I always say: "Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane." So, you do have to be careful with the balance of things.

One way I address this issue is by changing the term "hypertrophy" or "bodybuilding" to "armor building." Yep, armor.

I played varsity football for South City High back in the glory days (key Bruce Springsteen) and all my games were at night. My last game was played on Thanksgiving early in the morning. Hours later, when I normally would've been asleep, we ate Thanksgiving dinner. I was simply amazed at how much pain my upper arms felt from the banging of a game. Since that time, I've bought into the idea of armor building for football.

There's no question that the more time one spends under load, the more hypertrophy that will result. Note that I never give absolutes here. I had an athlete ask me about soreness and I found myself speechless, as I've never found any credible evidence that soreness is an indicator of anything. Like soreness, any and all methods of training seem to work across the spectrum, but few of us have ever found the answer that works for everybody every time.

So, how do we increase the amount of time under load?

Recently, I discussed the idea of complexes. Like the circuit training programs of the 1960s, especially Bob Gajda's Peripheral Heart Action where you literally combined lifts to drive the heart rate through the roof, the downside for most people is simply this:

We (and I'm including all of us) come into hypertrophy programs too weak. So, when most people begin doing complexes or circuits or whatever, the weights are too light.

There, I said it. To build muscle, most of us need to build strength. So, stability, mobility, then strength should be the mantra for most of us in our weight training.

And, I think it's far simpler than I ever imagined. Recently, I increased my thick bar deadlift from 265 (this is a seriously thick, thick bar) to 315 pounds. I also used this same program to match my best bench press in a decade without ever going hard for even one workout.

What is this miracle? Well, give me 40 days.

The 40 Day Workout

A few years ago, Pavel Tsatsouline, noted kettlebell master and perhaps the keenest mind in strength I've ever met, gave me a simple program. Be wary, this program is so simple that you'll ignore its value.

1. For the next 40 workouts, do the exact same training program every day. (For the record, I find that most of my goals are reached by day 20 or 22, so you can also opt for a shorter period.)

2. Pick five exercises. I suggest you do a squatting movement like the goblet squat or overhead squat as part of the warm-up, as you don't want to ignore the movement, but it might be fun to focus on other aspects of your body.

3. Focus on these five movements:

• A large posterior chain movement (the deadlift is the right answer)

• Upper body push (bench press, incline bench press, military press)

• Upper body pull (pull-ups, rows, or, if you've ignored them like me, heavy bicep curls)

• A simple full-body explosive move (kettlebell swings or snatches)

• And something for what I call an "anterior chain" move (an abdominal exercise). I think the ab wheel is king here, but you can also do some movements best suited for lower reps.

4. Only do two sets of five reps per workout for the deadlift and push/pull exercises, and one set of 20 to 50 for the explosive move. Do a solid single set of five reps for the abs.

5. Never plan or worry about the weight or the load. Always stay within yourself and go heavy "naturally."

6. Don't eat chalk, scream, or pound on walls. Simply do each lift without any emotion or excitement and strive for perfect technique.

So, the workout might consist of these five movements:

Thick bar deadlift
Bench press
Heavy biceps curls
Kettlebell swings
Ab wheel

For the record, this is exactly what I recently used in my workouts. I often did this five days a week, and found that my lifts naturally waved up and down throughout the week and the full 40 days. Sometimes, something like a 250-pound bench press would feel so light for both sets of five that I had to hold back on the excitement to do more sets and reps.

The secret to the program is that you get your volume from doing up to ten sets of a lift in a week and the load increases as you naturally feel like the weights are "easy." It is that simple.

The first time I tried this program under Pavel's direction, I added 15 pounds to my lifetime incline bench press during the twenty-first workout, approximately a month after starting the program. I did this max with no spotter and I got the lift for a double. It was a 15-pound improvement over my lifetime best with an extra rep as a parting gift without doing a single hard workout. Just two sets of five anytime I entered the gym.

You can certainly come up with your own variations, but try to stick with the basic five movements and don't stray far from two sets of five. You'll be amazed at how quickly your strength will improve after just a few weeks. Also, notice the element of randomness in this workout.

With a home gym, I can train this program daily, but I naturally find that I take days off here and there simply because of the nature of life. You could do all 40 (or 20) days in a row, but things will come up.

After finishing either all 40 days or when you feel your strength has come up to a level that more advanced training methods are appropriate, feel free to move along. The short time you invest in focusing on strength building will do wonders for your muscle mass as you begin to attack super sets or whatever you deem important.

The 40 Day Workout might be an excellent way to progress through the V-Diet, or any other diet strategy that involves a set number of weeks. After ending the 28 days of the diet, one's strength will take off as you ease off the strict nutritional efforts.

Quick Recap

To review:

If the two qualities that you want to address are fat loss and hypertrophy, why are you doing all that other nonsense?

Fat loss is diet. I think the Velocity Diet is the best, but I also found amazing success with the Atkins induction. Although you shouldn't ignore exercise, focus on the diet side for fat loss.

For many of the people I've worked with on hypertrophy, basic strength needs to be addressed before we move the program into something complex. Try the 40 Day Workout and drive your basic lifts up.

For most of us, our goals will be reached far quicker and relatively easier by a focused diet and a simpler lifting program.

Tags: T-Nation, The 40-Day Program, Dan John, fitness, strength, weight training, basic exercises

The Art of Manliness - Motivational Posters: Theodore Roosevelt Edition

Theodore Roosevelt was an early role model for men - and he offered up some good quotes on masculinity. The Art of Manliness made some cool motivational posters with his quotes and images.

Motivational Posters: Theodore Roosevelt Edition

May 17, 2009

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you’ll know that we’re big fans of Theodore Roosevelt. No one preached the art of manliness more ardently or lived it more fervently than TR. To start your week off with a swift kick in the pants of manly inspiration, we’ve created some TR-themed motivational posters. Each poster includes a picture of Roosevelt living the strenuous life, along with a motivational quote from the man himself. Bully! (If you receive email updates, you might have to come to the site to see the images.)

There are many more of these at The Art of Manliness.

Tags: masculinity, great men, motivation, The Art of Manliness, Motivational Posters, Theodore Roosevelt, history, quotes

David Deida - Live with an Open Heart Even If It Hurts

Great quote from David Deida's The Way of The Superior Man.

LIVE WITH AN OPEN HEART EVEN IF IT HURTS

Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man’s true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place.

Imagine failing at a major project, lying to your woman and getting caught, or overhearing her joke about your shortcomings in bed. How do you react with your body, breath and eyes? Notice if you react to a person or situation that hurts you by withdrawing, hiding or closing in on yourself. Notice if there are times when you find it difficult to look into someone’s eyes, or times you’re your chest and solar plexus become tense and contracted. These are signs of an unskillful reaction to hurt. Contracted and closed in on yourself, you are unable to act. You are trapped in your own self-protective tension, no longer a free man.

The superior man practices opening during these times of automatic closure. Open the front of your body so your chest and solar plexus are not tense. Sit or stand up straight and full, opening the front of your body, softening your chest and belly, wide and free. Breathe down through your chest and solar plexus, deep into your belly. Look directly into the eyes of whomever you are with, feeling your own pain as well as feeling the other person. Only when the front of your body is relaxed and opened, your breathe full and deep, and your gaze unguarded and directly connected with another person’s eyes, can your fullest intelligence manifest spontaneously in the situation. To act as a superior man, a samurai of relationship, you must feel the entire situation with your whole body. A closed body is unable to sense subtle cues and signals, and therefore unable to act with mastery in the situation.

From The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida, Chapter 2

Purchase from Amazon

Tags: masculinity, emotions, warrior heart, David Deida, Live with an Open Heart Even If It Hurts, The Way of the Superior Man

Bobbi Wingham - Nine Traits of a Masculine Man

Found this post randomly, but it reminds me of David Deida to a degree. This came from the site of Henry Makow Ph.D., although I have no idea in hell who that is (the front page of his site [as of 2/17/11] claims Facebook and Google are CIA fronts).

UPDATED (2/17/11): Just to be clear, I am not a huge supporter of these "traditional values" approaches to masculinity - this is a retro version of masculinity that keeps men trapped in out-dated and limited ways of being. Which is not to say that these are not generally good values to hold - there is just much more to being a healthy, well-rounded man.

Nine Traits of Masculine Men

May 14, 2009

by Bobbi Wingham (a woman, ex feminist)

Women need to encourage men to be masculine - who they really are and not who women think they should be. This means women should back off. But, for the guys out there who haven't got a clue who they are and what real women want and need, here goes:

The Traits of a Masculine Man

1. Confidence: Believe in yourself, not only that you can do what you set out to do, but that you already are what you need to be (even if on the outside it doesn't yet show). Everything begins with a thought. Watch your thinking. In the Bible, it says, "As a man thinketh, so is he." A masculine man is confident even in the face of rejection and its aftermath so that it doesn't phase him and he moves on if necessary. A truly confident man has nothing to prove.

2. Courage: A masculine man is courageous (I'm not talking about being willing to do stupid stunts, either), willing to do what is necessary without showing weakness (even if you are scared to death). A man cannot be truly courageous and brave if he does not fear something. If a woman is carrying on and wanting to pick a fight, don't back down and run away (but don't fight either). A woman is not a child, but would you run out the door if a child were throwing a tantrum or would you stay and handle the situation?

3. Responsibility: Take responsibility for what happens in your life and stop being a victim. Being a victim is exactly what our society expects you to be. Be who you really are intended to be - a leader and victor. Make plans and carry them out. Don't fear failure. Someone once said, "If you show me a man who has never made a mistake, I'll show you a man who has never done anything." Refuse to be a victim no matter what you encounter. Consider yourself a "warrior" and victor in all of life's curve balls. Change your plans if necessary, take charge of your life and where it goes. Learn from the battles lost and go on to win the war.

4. Discipline: Take charge of your life and what goes on in it. Carry out and complete your goals. Do everything you say you will do. Eat right and stay in shape, therefore you will also be able to think more clearly.

5. Honesty, Integrity, and Kindness: Be honest with yourself and others holding yourself to the highest of standards. Find the fine line between kindness and honesty when necessary. Sometimes, one is more important than the other. With some finesse, you will be able to be honest and kind at the same time. Be kind and gentle toward women, children, and the elderly.

6. Treat Women Like Women: Most of today's men don't seem to have a clue anymore (this is largely because of feminism). I take my kids to Judo practice and am saddened by what I experience there. There are only a few chairs and they are always full of both men and women. When I arrive, not one man ever offers me his chair - a masculine thing. Real men honor women. Real men treat others with respect and dignity. I once read about two men standing on a sidewalk when a prostitute walked by. One man tipped his hat and said, "Good day, ma'am." The other looked the other way, then later asked, "Why did you even speak to her, she's a prostitute!" To which he replied, "I greeted her not because of who she is but because of who I am." This is a masculine man.

7. Listen: We have two ears and one mouth for good reason - we are supposed to be doing twice as much listening as speaking. When a woman speaks, listen with your heart. Instead of thinking, "Oh great, here she goes again." think, "She has a need. What is it? What can I do to help." This goes against the nature of today's men, it seems. They want to strike back and have forgotten who they are dealing with. When a woman lets you know she 's upset, what she is really doing is asking you to take charge and help her. It is a cry for help. Most of the time she will just need your love, understanding, and a listening ear, but under no circumstances are you to take abuse from her. Make that very clear. You must keep your cool. A woman will not respect a man who looses his cool in the face of adversity.

8. Defend the Weak: Protect and provide for your family and anyone who is being unfairly attacked. Consider getting martial arts training, learn to use guns and keep them ready, etc. Be prepared for disasters and have a plan. Refuse to allow anyone to overstep their boundaries, but be smart about how you accomplish this. Plan ahead. Remember, you are a leader so act like one.

9. Inspire submission: A masculine man in a relationship with a woman will always inspire and never force her submission. He will remain a gentleman at all times when dealing with a woman.

For you women who want this kind of man (and most do no matter what they say), this is the easy part. You don't have to give your man a long list of rules or tell him how to be a man; it's already there inside him. Just step back, show him respect, and let him decide. Encourage him gently not so much with words but your actions. Give him time and space. If you step back he'll have to step up to fill the void you once filled, or else there is no relationship.

Tags: masculinity, men, relationships, women, Bobbi Wingham, Nine Traits of a Masculine Man, Save the Males, Henry Makow

Revolutionary Man - How a Simple Personality Test Can Lead You to More Freedom: The Enneagram

Jayson posted this cool article on the Enneagram over at his blog. Good info and a great tool for self-awareness for men trying to know themselves better.

Be sure to go visit Jayson's blog - Revolutionary Man - for other good material and great insights into a mature masculinity.

How a Simple Personality Test Can Lead You to More Freedom: The Enneagram

May 15th, 2009

I used to think most personality tests were pretty lame. Even the Myers Briggs. What do they really tell me about myself that I don’t already know!

Well, I have since been very humbled by The Enneagram which revealed that I was a type-three!

This modern psychological tool is used by millions accross the world for more self-understanding and self-actualization. The symbol is shown to the left.

They symbol itself is said to date back 2,500 years. They psychology of the 9 points related to the symbol is said to date back to the fourth century AD. The symbol, used with the 9 personality types used in harmony is merely a few decades old.* For more history about the Enneagram click here.

The Enneagram is a conglomerate of many sacred teachings from Christianity to Judaism, and even Buddhism. Since the 1970’s it has been used to help people understand themselves more deeply and reach their human, spiritual potential.

So what?
The Enneagram can help you understand that you are not your personality. That below your conditioned personality is something utterly profound—your true essence as a human being.

And for men and women that want to be truly themselves (and not what others taught them or told them to be) and reach their innate potential, it is an awesome tool for personal (and even professional) development.

Because as said in my earlier post, the deeper you know yourself, the more choices you have in life and the more freedom and fulfillment you will discover.

How do I start?
To do this right, I recommend taking a free test online here. Once you do that, read about each type and get a sense of yours. You might take another different test online and see what you score there, so that you have two sets of results to compare.

To really do it right, I suggest buying The Wisdom Of The Enneagram book by Riso and Hudson.

Here is an short description of each type so you can get a sense of which you might identify with. Remember, each type has a neurotic aspect and a wisdom aspect. Riso & Hudson do a good job of showing you where you are stuck and what you need to do to integrate to a higher level of being.

Type One: The reformer: Principled, idealistic, perfectionistic

• Basic Fear: I’m bad, corrupt.
• Healthy self: I’m a reasonable, objective person

Type two: The Helper, caretaker. Caring, interpersonal.

• Basic Fear: Of Being unloved
• Healthy self: I’m a caring, loving person

Type three: The Achiever: Success-oriented, doer. gets it done.

• Basic Fear: I’m worthless
• Healthy self: I am an outstanding, effective person

Type Four: The Individualist, the artist. Romantic, self-aware, sensative.

• Basic Fear: Of having no identity or significance
• Healthy self: I am an intuitive, sensitive person

Type Five: The investigator. Intense, intellectual, insightful, curious, often observing at a distance.

• Basic Fear: Of being incompetent, helpless and incapable
• Healthy self:I am an intelligent, perceptive person

Type Six: The Loyalist, committed, security-oriented, responsible.

• Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
• Healthy self:I am a committed, dependable person

Type Seven: The Enthusiast. Busy, productive, leader, optimistic, spontaneous, versatile.

• Basic Fear: Of being trapped in pain and deprivation
• Healthy self:I am a happy, enthusiastic person

Type Eight: The Boss or Challenger. Powerful, dominating

• Basic Fear: Of being harmed, controlled or violated
• Healthy self:I am a strong, assertive person

Type Nine: The Peacemaker. Easygoing, trusting.

• Basic Fear: Of loss, separation and fragmentation
• Healthy self:I am a peaceful, easygoing person

As the book The Wisdom Of the Enneagram says, “The core truth that the Enneagram conveys to us is that we are much more than our personality.”

To me, this model is 10 times more powerful than the Myers Briggs personality test.
So, if you are committed to your own development and growth, the Enneagram is an essential tool to have on your way to more freedom and self knowledge.

Resources:
*The Wisdom Of The Enneagram by Ruso and Hudson
https://enneagramtest.net/

Tags: Personality Test, Freedom, The Enneagram, Jayson Gaddis, Revolutionary Man, psychology, personality quizzes, self awareness, The Wisdom Of The Enneagram, Riso & Hudson

BBC - Anorexic Says Men Need More Help

This topic has been up lately, both among my friends and my clients. More men than ever before are becoming anorexic (and bulimic), and suffering from other forms of body dysmorphic disorder.

[It should be noted that I include anorexia as a form of BDD, but the DSM-IV does not. BDD is typically distinguished from these eating disorders, for a variety of very good reasons. Anorexia, much more than bulimia, appears to be a type of BDD - which is in the spectrum of obsessive compulsive disorders - in that the individual is obsessed with being fat, an incorrect perception of their body image, or in need of control.]

Anorexic says men need more help

Chris Hardy said he felt uncomfortable handing over control to care workers

A teenage man from Cornwall treated for an eating disorder has spoken out to tell other sufferers that there is "life beyond anorexia".

Nineteen-year-old Chris Hardy said controlling what he ate had given him a sense of achievement.

But when he realised he needed help, he sought treatment for seven months at the specialist Haldon Unit in Exeter.

He said: "I hope men don't think they will show themselves up because they want help for this problem."

Chris Hardy said that he was not sure when his disorder started, but he thought several things led to it.

Perhaps it's a way of trying to understand and control the world that's going on around them Vanessa Ford, Haldon Unit

He said: "A lot of stuff happened at 11 or 12 that was quite traumatic. My parents divorced, I moved school, moved house. And then you also start to become more aware of body image at that age anyway."

When he moved to Cardiff to study medicine at university, his food intake dropped dramatically.

He said: "I would count out the exact number of pieces of cereal to eat to have each morning, have a cracker lunchtime, and then maybe a few bits of pasta in the evening.

"It was nothing really, but even that seemed too much and I would work on reducing it the next day. That was how I got a sense of achievement."

At one time his Body Mass index (BMI), which the Department of Health defines as the most common method of evaluating to see if people are under or overweight, was 15.

The range described as normal is 18.5 and 24.99.

When he could no longer concentrate in lectures, he got help. Staff at the unit supported him with therapy while getting him to eat properly again.

'Traumatic things'

According to national support charity B-eat, more than 11,000 male patients are receiving treatment nationally. But it is thought this represents only a small proportion of those who have the condition and are keeping it hidden.

Haldon Unit service manager Vanessa Ford said the unit had seen a rise in the number of male patients, and that the reasons for men suffering from eating disorders were the same as those for women.

She said: "Perhaps various traumatic things have happened in their lives, and perhaps it's a way of trying to understand and control the world that's going on around them."

Chris Hardy said he felt that control was taken away from him when he first started treatment.

But he added: "I had to have faith that the care team knew what they were doing."

Now leaving the unit, Chris Hardy said he was planning to return to university and that he wanted others in his position to seek help.

Tags: body image, anorexia, psychology, culture, BBC, Vanessa Ford, control, trauma

Justice Marshall on Getting Respect in Relationships

This is a nice question and answer on how men get respect from their partners in relationship. For many men in the authoritarian to self-directed stages of development (Blue and Orange in Spiral Dynamics), respect is a critical issue in partnerships, so this is a great bit of wisdom.

Respect is a difficult issue for some men, primarily because they think it comes from being dominant and controlling - this is what many of us learned from our fathers. But the reality is much different.

Respect comes when we have earned it through compassion and control of ourselves - not from controlling others. For people in the stages I mentioned, there needs to be a realization that men must learn how to treat others by how they treat themselves. How we relate to our own strengths and weaknesses says a lot about we will treat others. Justice addresses those issues here.

“I’m not getting the Passion and Respect I want in my relationship… AND her sister is driving us apart.”

11 May, 2009 | Written by justicemarshall

I received this letter from a reader recently:

Dear Justice,

I read your book and I really appreciate how your e-mails help me keep my eye on my goal of being a good boyfriend.

The thing is, I live with my girlfriend’s sister and there have been a number of things that make it so hard to keep a normal relationship. About 2 years ago Melinda (my girlfriend) lost her mother who was a stay at home mom, cooked and cleaned, and went above and beyond for her kids. Now her dad has met someone else who is a very bad influence in his life. Melinda’s sister (Katie) couldn’t live with her dad any more because he kept bringing this person around, so Katie is living with us.

The main problem is that anytime I try to have a conversation about how I’m feeling about how Katie is acting, doing, not doing… my girlfriend brings up everything she’s been through over the last 2 years including things in our relationship that I’ve messed up on. I’m all for being the HERO and I would love to be a better man in this kind of situation. I’ve made a list of all the things that I feel I’m missing in my relationship and things Katie is doing that make me upset, and you can tell me what you think or what you would do.

Katie:

• Does not try do make a financial contribution to the household.
• She does not respect me.
• She does not care about my privacy.
• She does not take an interest in how her sister is feeling.
• She’s not a person of her word.
• And she does not do anything that in some way won’t benefit her.

Things missing from my relationship:

• Passion.
• Respect.
• Compassion.
• Communication.
• Trust.
• Acceptance.
• Laughter.
• Romance.
  

Please Help,

Adam

My Response:

Dear Adam,

Here’s the bottom line:
Every time you blame or put your focus “over there” on someone else, you miss the point.
You dis-empower yourself.

If you will accept that challenges arise without necessarily being anyone’s “fault”, then you will be better equipped to rise to those challenges and find the opportunity within them.

Ultimately the opportunity is always some version of this: Be present, open your heart, and keep growing into the man you are capable of being. That is what your life and relationship challenges are all about. This is NOT to say that you shouldn’t take action. Quite the contrary. You just want to be sure the action you take reflects your truest values and your most empowered, wisest self. In other words, you want to act from your True Hero Nature… right?

My intention in writing The Hero Principles is to provide a map, a compass to help guide your actions and keep you on your hero path. For example, if you decide that it’s time for you and your girlfriend to have your own space back, and for her sister to move out, make sure you are clear that you are taking a stand FOR your relationship, not AGAINST her sister. And remember Hero Principle #4: Do it Powerfully. Provide support and guidance to both of these women to the best of your ability.

When I look at your list of the things missing from your relationship, I can really relate. I’ve been there, and I’ve seen many men work through similar circumstances.

So here is the answer to your question. Here is the best way (perhaps the ONLY way) to bring these missing qualities into your relationship:

Start living them in every part of your life right now. Give YOURSELF what you want so desperately from her.

You want PASSION in your relationship.
Are you following your own life PASSION?
Are you living purposefully?
Are you playing full-out?
Do you have friends that support and inspire you?
Is your work meaningful?

You want RESPECT in your relationship.
How much RESPECT do you show yourself every day?
Do you take care of your health… Mentally, physically, and spiritually?

You want COMPASSION in your relationship.
How much COMPASSION do you show yourself?
How kind are you to YOU?

You want COMMUNICATION in your relationship.
How well do you COMMUNICATE with you?
Do you listen to your own wisdom?
Do you know your heart?

You want TRUST and ACCEPTANCE in your relationship.
How fully do you TRUST and ACCEPT yourself?

You want LAUGHTER in your relationship.
Can you lovingly laugh at yourself?
Can you meet your challenges with humor?

You want ROMANCE in your relationship.
Will you ROMANCE yourself, basking in the glow of your own heart?
Will you let yourself enjoy the beauty and inspiration of all of life, regardless of your girlfriend’s mood?

Do you see what I’m getting at here?
The more you give these things to yourself, the more you embody them in every moment, the more you will become a magnet for attracting them from others.

Look at each of the qualities that you named right now and make an honest assessment - How fully you are living each one? What are you willing to do to bring more of these qualities into your life right now, regardless of Melinda, Katie or anyone else? Choose one action that you will commit to for each quality. Write it down and share it with a friend. Email it to me or post it on this blog.

Is this the only answer to your question? No. If you were my client, we would go more deeply into helping you understand and respond effectively to these issues. But I can tell you with certainty - this is how you begin. This is the foundation.

Whether you choose to work with a coach or not, please find a men’s group and/or accountability partner. Bring yourself into the company of men who will support and challenge you to be your best.

Even the best of us can’t always do it alone.

Thanks for stretching your edge and doing your best. The world needs men like you.

All My Best,

Justice

Tags: masculinity, responsibility, respect, relationships, Justice Marshall, Getting Respect in Relationships, passion, The Hero Principles

Rachel Kramer Bussel - How Male Bisexuality Got Cool

OK, seriously, I didn't know male bisexuality was cool. Most guys are down with woman on woman action, but how many men are comfortable with men loving men?

Maybe it's because I live in a very conservative part of the world, despite a pretty large gay and lesbian community here, but from what I see male bisexuality is far from accepted, let alone cool. Too bad, too, since most men fall somewhere along a spectrum in between gay and straight. Even a little more acceptance of this fact might free some men from the closets they live within.

How Male Bisexuality Got Cool

by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Info

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Rachel Kramer Bussel is the editor of Best Sex Writing 2009 and host of In The Flesh Reading Series.

From TV bromances to political man crushes, male bisexuality has gone mainstream. But is it a sign of true sexual attraction—or just an act?

Last year, when Charles Forman, the 29-year-old heterosexual founder of the popular gaming Web site I’m In Like With You, was caught on camera holding hands with 22-year-old Tumblr founder David Karp (also straight), the first thing he did was send the photo to the gossip blog Gawker. “Did you see the gay picture?” he instant-messaged the Web site, which then posted an entire photo montage of the two boys in various states of PDA. Forman then linked back to the montage from his own blog.

The whole episode had more than a whiff of publicity seeking. (Gawker calls Karp and Forman “fameballs.”) Still, the very fact that the pair of Internet wunderkinds decided that cultivating a mystique of bisexuality could help their careers says something about the moment we’re living in. “Why would any straight guy call a press conference to announce his bisexual inclinations, unless the whole thing was intended as a joke?” asks Ron Suresha, editor of Bi Men: Coming Out and Bisexual Perspectives on Kinsey. “I don't know why these famehounds claim to be bisexual, but they don't set off my ‘bi-dar’ one whiff. While I'm hopeful that their posed bisexuality is a harbinger of a new generation of heterosexual men who are actually willing to face their bi desires, from a distance this photo-op male ‘bonding’ seems completely contrived.”

Still, whereas bisexual women had their fling with pop culture in the 1990s—when everyone from Drew Barrymore to Madonna messed around with women, not to mention the famous Vanity Fair cover showing Cindy Crawford shaving k.d. lang—“bromances” are now the driving force behind Hollywood comedies and Style section features, as men find more ways to play for both teams, or at least act like they do.

Examples are everywhere. In John Hamburg’s recent movie, I Love You, Man, the gay guy who unwittingly goes on a date with Paul Rudd isn’t just played for laughs, but to some degree, sympathy. This summer will also see Lynn Shelton’s buzzed-about Humpday, in which two straight male friends decide to make a homemade porn video. And Brody Jenner’s reality show Bromance blurs the line separating friendship and attraction in what Videogum’s Gabe Delahaye calls “basically the gayest thing ever, made more gay by everyone's desperate attempts to provide chest-bumping proof of their heterosexuality.”

The term “man crush”—which, like bromance, connotes a male relationship that resides somewhere between platonic and romantic—is already this year’s official media catchphrase. “Rams GM Devaney Has a Man Crush on Eugene Monroe” gossips manlier-than-thou NFLGridironGab.com. “Warren Buffett’s Chinese Man Crush” titters the headline on a Business Insider profile of CEO Wang Chuan-Fu. And while it’s not all that surprising to find Newsday’s music critic proclaiming his “man-crush renewed” after a Seal concert, it’s less expected in a Boston Globe story about President Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy, or in an AOL News piece about the King of Saudi Arabia.

It’s an emerging version of male bisexuality that’s more pose than sincere. The celebrities who engage in it take pains to make it clear they’re straight—half-ironically goofing around, often as a blatant grab for attention. But the fact that they’re even taking it that far is something new. Take Jimmy Kimmel’s 2008 YouTube sensation “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck,” created in response to his then-girlfriend Sarah Silverman’s “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” video. Five years ago, few male celebrities went there, and the ones who did were often already branded as outsiders, like Michael Stipe. Now, the most mainstream of leading men clamor to act bi for the camera.

In addition to these tongue-in-cheek, sometimes tortured expressions of straightish-male love are indications that some men—non-celebrity civilians—are embracing a nuanced version of bisexuality as well. Benoit Denizet-Lewis profiled a bisexual bodybuilder named Todd in his book America Anonymous, which was released in January. Todd’s clients are mostly gay men, but some just like watching him “flex and show off.” These are men who say they’re bi or straight—and Todd believes them. “It’s just a fetish for them,” he says. “Over time, I’ve seen them have successful marriages with their wives. They seem to be very happy, from what I can tell.”

Gay men have long fetishized straight guys, but what’s happening now goes beyond that. It’s not just about being seduced into a same-sex encounter, but about men claiming bisexuality or bicuriosity on their own terms. Hence, it makes sense that, according to Humpday director Shelton, her film, even with the gay sex, is “about being straight. But specifically, it’s about the limitations of straightness and it’s about how absurd the extremities of straightness can be, basically.”

Somewhat surprisingly, women, too, are increasingly open to dating—and are sometimes specifically attracted to—bisexual guys. In December, blogger Jocelyn Nubel wrote about dating a bi guy: “To be honest, I’d never before considered it a turn-on to picture a guy I’m into making out with another guy, but there’s just something about this one. He gets me so worked up, so sexually excited, and I guarantee if I saw that in action, it’d get me all hot and bothered.” That’s a far cry from Carrie Bradshaw’s reaction to the bisexual man she dated in an episode of Sex and the City nine years ago. In that episode, she goes to a spin-the-bottle party with him as the token straight girl, and even makes out with Alanis Morissette, but only so as not to seem like an “old fart.” Throughout the episode, Carrie and her friends make it clear that she finds the world of bisexual men to be disorienting and unreal. “I was Alice in Confused Sexual Orientation Land,” she muses, ultimately deciding she just can’t date someone who can’t pick a side.

A friend of mine dated a guy who called himself straight, but often wound up doing things that belied his bisexuality (like drunkenly making out with men in bars). While he never owned up to it, she found this side of him sexy. “He wasn’t the typical macho straight guy. Even though he wasn’t totally truthful with me, I got off on it.” Alexis Tirado, a Web editor at Martha Stewart Living Radio, is quoted in Guy Garcia’s book The Decline of Men as saying, “It almost seems like the more feminine a guy is, the cooler he is in terms of what’s cool now.” She goes on to praise guys like Justin Timberlake, who she says is “in touch with his feminine side” (perhaps evidenced by his leotard-clad stint on SNL).

Designer Tom Ford has suggested that everyone try bisexuality, just to see what it’s like. “There’s one indulgence every man should try in his lifetime,” Ford suggested to Details a few months ago. “If you’re straight, sleep with a man at least once, and if you’re gay, don’t go through life without sleeping with a woman.” Most men will never take it this far, and there’s still immense pressure to pick a side—witness last year’s frantic is-she-or-isn’t-she tabloid headlines about Lindsay Lohan—but at least now men can hold hands without making each other’s palms sweat.

Tags: Rachel Kramer Bussel, How Male Bisexuality Got Cool, The Daily Beast, masculinity, culture, bisexuality, TV bromances, political man crushes, Ron Suresha, Bi Men, Coming Out and Bisexual Perspectives on Kinsey