Friday, June 27, 2008

What Women Want in a Man

Granted, this is only one woman's point of view, but what she says is similar to what I have heard over the years from other women. So, if you are curious about what women are looking for in men, here is one very good answer.

From the forums at Art of Manliness. This is actually pretty long -- she clearly put some thought into this, so give it a read.
I put some thought into your question over the last day or so, because it's true… this sort of thing does happen a lot. And it's really funny because I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with my single women friends discussing how there are "just no good guys out there" when in fact, we are all very good friends with dozens of great guys.

So what is the problem? Why don't we see the great guys right in front of us? Why are we not attracted to them? And what is it about the athletic guys that draw us to them so instinctively, even when more often than not they are not great guys at all, but in many cases are real creeps…

Well here's the deal:

Women are attracted to all sorts of men, for many various reasons, but there are FOUR basic traits that ALL WOMEN want in a man.

These are:

1. Coolness
2. Confidence
3. Ambition
4. Attractiveness

And luckily for those born without Brad Pitt's genes… most of us want them in that order.

So…. From this we (both men and women) can all agree that:

1. TALENT is cool
2. WINNING builds confidence
3. COMPETITION drives Ambition
4. DIET and EXERCISE will certainly help with attractiveness

So naturally "athletics" tends to draw people who possess these traits, and also makes them very visible to the rest of us. Therefore, women seeking a companion know instinctively that athletic men are likely to have those four traits we so long for, and are an easy place to start.

One thing to note... just because a guy is athletic, that doesn't automatically make him a jerk... There ARE a lot of really great catches that can catch... and we know that.

BUT… the good news is that you don't HAVE to be athletic to possess these traits, especially the more important top 3. I mean really, let's face it… if you did, the ever-lovely Liv Tyler would have never been born!

So what's a nice guy who's not athletic to do?

1. You have to IMPRESS to be cool.
So FIND SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT! (and no… the ability to play guitar hero for 5 hours straight on level "hard" does not count!)

There are many ways to impress a girl and she will think you are the coolest. Everyone is talented at something, and that includes you. You don't have to be a Manning to be born with talent.

Your talent can be something as superficial as making money. It's sad, but true, that the ability to make and possess a lot of money is very impressive to a lot of women and can help get you the girl… just look at "the Donald."

On the other end of that spectrum, you could have no money at all, but if you are really good in social setting, it can be quite impressive. You could be that really great, funny guy that everybody wants to hang out with and the ladies will notice and want to be part of that… So if you have the natural ability to make someone smile… you shouldn't have too much trouble.

As for the introverted nice guys that are very talented computer programmers… you need to be a bit more creative in order to impress… because even the most efficiently written, kick ass line of C++ code is just not going to impress anyone (except maybe other programmers). So channel your logic in another way… or use your skills to do something fun. I once read an article on CNN about a programmer that hacked his sweetheart's favorite video game so that when she reached the last level a personal message and a marriage proposal came up on the screen… Geeky as that may be, it's still pretty cool.

For all those that fall somewhere between these extremes… just know if there is something you're good at that you think is cool… chances are there is someone else out there that will too, and you can impress them with your skills.
Very cool.

2. Be confident!
If you're not naturally a confident person, then it's just something you're going to have to work on. Period. If you have doubts about whether you are worthy enough to be in a relationship, she will too.

Women like a man who can be a little assertive, but assertiveness should not be confused (but often is by many, including women) with aggressiveness. This is unfortunately where the "jerks" and "creeps" usually get away the crappy stuff they get away with.

But like it or not, relationships are kind of a game… especially in the beginning. And you have to be confident that you are ready to play. And it is difficult, because it requires a very delicate Balance

To the dismay of many nice guys… women really like to play hard to get. And less confident guys just can't handle that.

And as much as we like to play hard to get, and want you to love us and want us so bad you can hardly stand it before we give in and give you the attention you, as a nice guy, deserve… It is important to note that we also like to WIN.

That means we don't want to hear that we're the only girl that you've ever noticed… we just want to be the best. The smartest and the most beautiful. The only one you WANT… not just the only one possible. So if you come across as little needy and smothery… like if we don't like you, no one will… you will actually come across as desperate, not romantic. This is not to say that you should flaunt other women in our face, or flirt or cheat by any means… it just means that you need to be confident and independent. Make us feel like we are the luckiest girl alive because even though you don't NEED us in your life… you WANT us in your life. Balance.

When it comes to the physical stuff (i.e. sex) it is VERY important that the man be confident, but not pushy. Women want you to express interest (through body language as well as what you say) but not be demeaning. We want you to make us feel sexy, but not like sex objects. We want you to be attentive to our needs as well as your own, but we don't want you to just be "accommodating". Balance.

3. If I could think of the single most unattractive quality in a man, it would be laziness!

So turn off the X-box and get off your ass!

You don't have to aspire to be the next rich real estate mogul or win a national championship to have ambition… just do SOMETHING!

Know what you want and work your ass off to get it.

If you want a woman to be attracted to you, you have to have independence and drive. That way, she'll know that you've got what it takes to get things done. She won't have to worry that you'll drag her down if she has her own ambitions and/or can provide as necessary in the event that things go wrong.

Get a hobby!
Athletic guys have a hobby. They don't spend their lives sitting on the couch complaining how boring their life is. (and fyi... when you complain like that with a pretty girl sitting right next you... she's going to assume she's partly to blame for your boredom and HER insecurity will build... this is a bad thing!)

What do they do instead? They go out to the park... show off for their ladies ("This next home run is for you sweet-heart!"... Instant heart-melt). They play with their kids... they plan things on the weekends. They make new friends on their office softball teams. They do stuff!

This isn't to say that you have to like sports... but there are other hobbies out there. Women LOVE to tag along with their men and watch them have fun. It makes US happy to see you accomplishing something and having fun doing it. All the better if we can join in!

And finally,

4. Looking this good ain't easy... but you know what... it ain't that hard either!

It's true you can't control what you were born with, but you CAN do the best with what you've got!

Fitness: You don't have to strength-train for 2 hours a day at the gym to look good. Just take care of yourself and get a little exercise! Eat healthy (most of the time). Try to lay off the alcohol... there's a reason they invented those horrible "ultra lights"... beer is PACKED with calories. Try rum and DIET instead of rum and COKE. Believe me... no one will know the difference, and after the second or third... you won't notice either.

Eating well doesn't make you less of a man... but being fat does. I don't know when someone came up with the idea that having a belly and grunting all the time made guys think they were more manly... (more like pig)

*** Side note for an exception: If you take a date to a burger joint... DON'T order a salad! You'll make your date feel bad for the rest of the night if she orders a burger. Not what you want to do!

Grooming: Find a decent haircut for your face. Not the latest Eurotrend... not what Brad Pitt is doing lately... do what looks good on you. If that is a shorter cut... the barbershop may just be the place to go... the other articles on this blog are correct... hair stylists do not know how to properly cut short-short hair. On the other hand though... if you want a more stylish haircut... you need a STYLIST. So find a nearby salon and ask for someone with a lot of experience with men's cuts and TALK to them about what you're looking for (low maintenance, product education, etc).

Also... VERY IMPORTANT... if you have eyebrow issues... just take care of it.
It doesn't make you less of a man... it is not feminine to pluck... it is merely a HUGE turnoff if you don't.
The uni-brow, bushiness (think Martin Scorsese), ear hair... just get rid of it! Women don't like to do it either; we do it because you like it better. Have the same consideration for us!

Attire: Dress for success!
You don't have to shop for designer duds or wear a suit to look good... but pull up your pants and put on a belt! It's OKAY if you're a T-shirt and jeans kinda guy... there are lots of T-shirt and jeans kinda girls... just be sure to be clean and not too baggy. And it wouldn't kill you to wear a sport coat once in a while... you can even pull it off with sneakers now a days, so look sharp!

Okay well this has gotten ridiculously long so I'm going to wrap it up now, but I want to make one final comment:

Stop being jealous of the athletic guys… if you know you’re the better guy for the lady then get out there and show her! Louis and Gilbert didn't get the girls in the end because they were more athletic than the Alpha Betas... they figured out what their strengths were and with confidence they learned to impress and how to get noticed! And that's what you've got to do.

Being manly isn't about brute strength and putting them down...
It's about holding your head up high with class and distinction... cool.
Good stuff.

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