I get sick about once every five or six years, and this is one of those times. In my head, I know I need to rest and rebuild my strength, and I know that it's better to stay home and not get others sick than to fight through it and work anyway (which has been my pattern). But my rational mind is not always in control - at another level I am shaming myself for "being lazy," for "abandoning my clients," for "not being invincible."
I put those beliefs in quotation marks because I know they are not true, but my inner critic (see here, here, and here) uses phrases like that to shame me, to remind myself that I am "lazy, irresponsible, and inconsiderate." Those are some of the messages I internalized as a child (thanks Dad, thanks Mr. Laney [2nd grade teacher], and thanks Mr. Fox [6th grade teacher]).
Some part of me, that internalized critic, truly believes I should never get sick, never miss work days, never fail to be there for my clients. And it really doesn't really help to know that other people struggle with this, too.
As I write this, hoping that maybe some other guys (or gals) will find this useful and supportive, I keep bringing myself back to my breath. I seek the compassionate observer within (or simply observing self, see here and here) and try to view being sick and how my critic responds, holding both parts of me in compassion.
If you are new to this kind of work, here is an exercise from Dr. Krisitn Neff (author of Self-Compassion Stop Beating Yourself up and Leave Insecurity Behind), from her website, where she offers a lot of free worksheets, exercises, and meditations (the meditations are by Dr. Christopher Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions):
The criticizer, the criticized, and the compassionate observer
This exercise is modeled on the two-chair dialogue studied by Gestalt therapist Leslie Greenberg. In this exercise, clients sit in different chairs to help get in touch with different, often conflicting parts of their selves, experiencing how each aspect feels in the present moment.
To begin, put out three empty chairs, preferably in a triangular arrangement. Next, think about an issue that often troubles you, and that often elicits harsh self-criticism. Designate one chair as the voice of your inner self-critic, one chair as the voice of the part of you that feels judged and criticized, and one chair as the voice of a wise, compassionate observer. You are going to be role-playing all three parts of yourself - you, you, and you. It may feel a bit silly at first, but you may be surprised at what comes out once you really start letting your feelings flow freely.It can take some practice to not feel weird doing exercises such as this, but it's worth the effort and the sense of feeling silly. In fact, this work can trigger inner critic response, offering more fuel for the work of developing self-compassion.
1) Think about your “issue,” and then sit in the chair of the self-critic. As you take your seat, express out loud what the self-critical part of you is thinking and feeling. For example “I hate that fact that you’re such a whimp and aren’t self-assertive.” Notice the words and tone of voice the self-critical part of you uses, and also how it is feeling. Worried, angry, self-righteous, exasperated? Note what your body posture is like. Strong, rigid, upright? What emotions are coming up for you right now?
2) Take the chair of the criticized aspect of yourself. Try to get in touch with how you feel being criticized in this manner. Then verbalize how you feel, responding directly to your inner critic. For example, “I feel so hurt by you” or “I feel so unsupported.” Just speak whatever comes into your mind. Again, notice the tone of your voice? Is it sad, discouraged, childlike, scared, helpless? What is your body posture like? Are you slumped, downward facing, frowning?
3) Conduct a dialogue between these two parts of yourself for a while, switching back and forth between the chair of the criticizer and the criticized. Really try to experience each aspect of yourself so each knows how the other feels. Allow each to fully express its views and be heard.
4) Now occupy the chair of the compassionate observer. Call upon your deepest wisdom, the wells of your caring concern, and address both the critic and the criticized. What does your compassionate self say to the critic, what insight does it have? For example, “You sound very much like your mother” or, “I see that you’re really scared, and you’re trying to help me so I don’t mess up.” What does your compassionate self say to the criticized part of yourself? For example, “It must be incredibly difficult to hear such harsh judgment day after day. I see that you’re really hurting” or “All you want is to be accepted for who you are.” Try to relax, letting your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth? What is the tone of your voice? Tender, gentle, warm? What is your body posture like - balanced, centered, relaxed?
5) After the dialogue finishes (stop whenever it feels right), reflect upon what just happened. Do you have any new insights into how you treat yourself, where your patterns come from, new ways of thinking about the situation that are more productive and supportive? As you think about what you have learned, set your intention to relate to yourself in a kinder, healthier way in the future. A truce can be called in your inner war. Peace is possible. Your old habits of self-criticism don’t need to rule you forever. What you need to do is listen to the voice that’s already there, even if a bit hidden - your wise, compassionate self.