5 Sketchy Facts You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day . . . Because, You Know, Tomorrow Is Valentine's Day and Stuff

Via Cracked, where I often learn stuff I did not know, and then wish I had left well enough alone.

5 Sketchy Facts You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day

By Brendan McGinley | February 13, 2014

Good news! For yet another year, I am prepared to rock Valentine's Day like a hammock in a hurricane. I would share my schemes for the 14th so you can copy them as your own, but you'd have a difficult time even finding a blue garnet, let alone infiltrating the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue release party. But even though only one of us is going to have sex in space this year, that doesn't mean you have to sit home alone cursing the holiday.

Some folks hate Valentine's Day because it reminds them that they're alone, others because they have to make an effort. The solution is for the latter group to outsource their relationships to the lonely folks. But that's a lot of paperwork, so until the spreadsheet is complete, take heart: This entire holiday is a sham.

And I don't mean in the "excuse to sell greeting cards and candy" way. I mean that a historical examination reveals Valentine's Day to be so screwy, it's amazing people even bother falling in love these days. And I think it's all a big conspiracy.

Here's the twisted story of everything Valentine's Day isn't.

#5. It's Based on Pure Legend

Valentine's Day celebrates the idea that true love finds us, and that idea shines in our hearts even amid our modern V-Day celebration of expensive dinners, cheap lingerie, and acrid candy that can only be legally called chocolate in America.


I'm looking at you, Whitman, you alkaline devils. But I'm not tasting you. I can't be hurt like that again.
That idea is based on the story of St. Valentine of Rome, a priest who married couples against the emperor's orders, because married men couldn't be drafted. That was at odds with Emperor Claudius Gothicus' plans to build an army of unfeeling terminators. That's right, there was a brief time when love was against the law and the ultimate crime was to follow your heart. Valentine put it all on the line to win, even winning the heart of his jailer's daughter ...


The third century was very 1980s in that love was a battlefield.
... and was executed. But victory was his, for true love never dies!

The reality is that Valentine appears to have been executed for much more traditional "pagan vs. Christian" theological debate reasons after neither he nor the emperor could convert the other. The ban on Roman soldiers getting hitched never actually occurred, and for good reason: Marriage benefited both Rome and the Legion. It'd cause less uproar to change the rules to draft married men than to ban them.

However, if you want to hate Claudius, there's his much more real, much more damnable statement that his army "had captured so many women that each victorious soldier could take two or three women each."


War: Making monsters of everyone since 200,000 B.C.
Well, great. Only one entry in and we're already looking at this month's most callous fiend on Cracked unless E. Reid Ross writes an Albert Fish retrospective.

#4. Nobody Knows Which Valentine the Holiday Honors

Legend or no, St. Valentine of Hallmark shares billing with two other Sts. Valentine today, neither of whom had anything to do with love (and, thankfully, nothing to do with pillage).

Our Valentine may actually be the same guy as one of them: Valentine of Terni, a bishop who (probably?) died at the same time in (definitely) the same place. The records are muddled, and we know next to nothing about either martyr. The Roman Empire was a mess at that time, and an outlaw religion necessarily had to avoid keeping records. But that was 1,700 years ago, when Rome was still a corrupt bureaucracy in the thrall of a few vicious thugs looking to shift public ire to outsiders.


Italy is home to one of the world's oldest cultures, and maybe one day will stop living in it.
There are 14 Saints Valentin or Valentine (plus one Valentinian who doesn't count because I said so), three of whom died on February 14. That means 2 out of 14 Valentines are celebrated on 2/14, which has a 21.4 percent mortality rate for Valentines. Now, I don't know much about math, but I know a lot about conspiracy theory ramblings, where visually similar numbers indicate a clear plot by the Jewish reptoid freemasons who run the Vatican. If your name is Valentino, or Val, or even just Hart, I recommend you stay inside that day.

I mean, you were probably going to anyway, just to avoid everyone's terrible jokes, but don't answer the door if any Romans or lions ring the bell.


That was a joke. Never turn down a lion fight. What do you want, to live long enough to die of renal failure with no exciting stories?
Whether or not these two are the same person, neither one died to see love thrive, and they're sharing real estate with a third Valentine, who's the patron saint of nothing except dying unknown.


And the Duke of Milan had JUST pardoned him, poor, unlucky bastard.
So far, February 14 has as much in common with romance as my left hand, which is to say: all the feeling, none of the meaning, and with a serving of depression. Although both the holiday and my hand are connected to three dead foreigners who can no longer be identified. Interesting? Highly. Seductive? Only if you're E. Reid Ross.

#3. The Romance Angle Is Relatively New

You know who agrees with me that so far this has been a thoroughly unsexy holiday comprised of aught but state-sanctioned crimes against humanity? A millennium of Western civilization. For roughly 1,000 years after the martyrdom of St. Valentine, this was just another holy remembrance day -- probably a day to reflect on all the things we've done wrong and maybe eat some cheese, which is the only hobby Europe had in those days besides war and playing the hurdy-gurdy.

It's only in the second half of the 14th century (see? CONSPIRACY!) that the print record finally shows shades of seduction. In the medieval Adam Sandler movies that are the works of Geoffrey Chaucer, Valentine's Day had become the romantic subplot. In "Parlement of Foules," he lays a pretty sexy scene: naked love goddesses, birds peacocking their way to sex-victory, and Nature herself "pricking [them] to sweet pain." That's a whole lot of fetishes compressed into a single phrase, but Chaucer was a poet.


You don't want to read his erotic couplets about red-hot pokers.
So yeah, St. Valentine's Day has been a romantic holiday (possibly thanks to Chaucer) since the 14th century, but that's only about half as long as it was a time for personal reflection. And even after the switch, you know that England probably spent another 300 years baking sexy desserts like a sheep stomach wrapped around boiled fish heads.

The other half of the poem is about a Roman general pondering his own immortality before he commits genocide. Eroticism!

#2. It Doesn't Exist Anymore

Still confused by all those Valentines running around Imperial Crisis-era Roman Empire? So are the people cataloging them! That's why at the Second Vatican Council Pope Paul VI eliminated all 12 feasts of St. Valentine from the Liturgical Calendar. How's that for a St. Valentine's Day massacre?

That's right: Valentine's Day hasn't really been St. Valentine's Day since 1969.

Their official reason was that they couldn't verify or distinguish most of the Sts. Valentine, but I think we all know the real cause. It was 1969, and the world was still suffering the effects of the Sex Crisis two years earlier, when the Summer of Love drained most of humanity's love reserves. Which, in turn, is why we needed more oil to lubricate our shameful sex acts, causing the energy crisis a few years after that.

With that, the holiday was unfettered, free to become a morass of Necco candy and roses purchased at a gas station at a 600 percent markup.

#1. It's Originally a Fertility Holiday

But let's go all the way back to antiquity and see if we shouldn't celebrate it after all ... albeit more ingenuously.

The legend of Rome's founders, Romulus and Remus, says that as infants they were nursed in infancy by a wolf -- although the Latin word "lupa," or "she-wolf," was also a slang term for a prostitute. Rome preferred the wolf version of the legend, because it was embarrassing for a city founded in rape and fratricide to have its origins in sex work.


We shall call her Wolf Nurse.
All this took place in a cave called the Lupercal, which archaeologists probably unearthed in 2007. Wolf Nurse was honored every February 13 to 15 during Lupercalia -- although just to confuse things the holiday was primarily dedicated to the god Lupercus, a Latin name meaning "He who throws bitchin' parties." During "The Festival of the Wolf," his priests, the Brothers of the Wolf, dressed up in goatskins to honor him. Not wolfskins, because that would make sense, although he did have goat legs. Yeah, he was basically Pan.


He looks like every guy named Gary you've ever known.
Meanwhile, Rome's noble youths ran naked through the streets, giving zero fucks but many lashings to any woman they ran across "with shaggy thongs." This supposedly conferred healthy, hearty pregnancies, because babies are stronger when they're conceived in kink. That's a science FACT, friend, and you can look it up in your Encyclopedia Dominatio.


Cracked's lawyers prefer that I don't Photoshop a baby in a gimp mask, so enjoy this leather strop.
A great many ladies of the republic placed themselves in the way of these wildlings to have their hands stropped, because a healthy pregnancy begins with open wounds in a country that doesn't use soap.

Now, a lot of scholars will tell you that there isn't enough of a connection to call Lupercalia a precursor to Valentine's Day. But what do they know? They haven't even been flogged by werewolves, and so they cannot speak to the truth known by the human heart -- that love comes in many forms at many times, but if any of them loved you, they'd buy you chocolate.
_____

Brendan is a lover, not a writer. He exposed the even bigger sham of offloading expired Valentine's Day products with his takedown of Sweetest Day.

Related reading: Brendan wanted to know What Love Is, and he wanted you to show him. He also unveiled more holiday mysteries in 5 Reasons Cinco de Mayo Is the Most American Holiday.

Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.

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New Research - Men ARE More Romantic

A new study reveals that 48% of men admit to falling in love at first time, while only 28% of women admit to having a "love at first sight" experience. On the downside, 33 per cent of men and 19 per cent of women admit to having sex outside of their current relationship. Men are more romantic, but they are also more likely to spread that love around.

The study data is preliminary from an ongoing survey - and the current data is published in The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples and What They Reveal About Creating a New Normal in Your Relationship, by Chrisanna Northrupp, co-authored by academics Professor Pepper Schwartz (sociologist at the University of Washington), and Professor James Schwartz, Director of the Centre for Social Science Research at George Mason University in Virginia.

Men ARE More Romantic

I knew that!

Published on April 20, 2013 by Nancy Kalish, Ph.D. in Sticky Bonds

A survey of 100,000 people worldwide, published in The Normal Bar (Crown Publishing Group, 2013), reveals that 48% of the male participants said they had fallen in love "at first sight." Only 28% of the women said that they had a love at first sight experience.

This survey result indicating that the men were more romantic than the women is consistent with my rekindled romance research. The first post I ever wrote for this blog -- Are Men Romantic? -- discussed my finding that the men who had tried lost love reunions were significantly more likely than the women to report that they "never got over" their first loves.

Yes, men are romantic. And many women are not. The stereotypes of unromantic men with romantic female partners are harmful to adult relationships, and can lead to attempts at gender typing of young boys - to everyone's detriment.

Here is a more in-depth article from The Daily Mail Online.

Men ARE more romantic: 48% fall in love at first sight compared with 28% of women

• Around 10,000 people took part in online survey about love and relationships in the 21st century
• While romantic, men are more unfaithful gender, with 33% admitting to having had sex outside a relationship

By RACHEL REILLY
PUBLISHED: 22 April 2013

They may forget anniversaries and buy last minute Valentine’s gifts from petrol stations, but men are, apparently, more romantic than women.

A survey found that while 48 per cent cent have fallen in love at first sight, a mere 28 per cent of women could claim the same.

The research, published in new book The Normal Bar, questioned 10,000 people worldwide about their attitude towards love and relationships.

Dispelling the myth: A new book has found that men are more romantic than women

The Normal Bar is the brainchild of entrepreneur Chrisanna Northrupp and is co-authored by academics Professor Pepper Schwartz, sociologist at the University of Washington, and Professor James Schwartz, Director of the Centre for Social Science Research at George Mason University in Virginia.

Using data collected from their online survey, the book aims to dispel the myths surrounding sexuality and relationships, shed light on what a real 21st century relationship entails and help make your own relationship more satisfying.

The survey, which is ongoing, contains 1,300 questions and touches on everything from sex to the most attractive physical features to personality traits a prospective partner looks for, the Washington Post reported.

Other interesting figures from the survey included the finding that only 74 per cent of people are happy in their relationship and 66 per cent of those questioned believe their partner is their soulmate.

The survey also found that more men than women had strayed in their relationships

But perhaps the most interesting - albeit worrying - discovery was that having sex without a emotional ties outside a relationship was not technically regarded as an affair by many.

While only 15 per cent of those asked admitted to having had an affair, the number confessing to being unfaithful shot up dramatically when the question was phrased as ‘sex outside your current relationship’.

A third of men and 19 per cent of women then said they had indulged in extra-marital relations.

The books goes on to explain that for many, the secret to a happy relationship includes having regular date nights, using pet names, holding hands, passionate kissing, back rubs and frequently saying 'I love you'.

But the most important factor, that almost everyone surveyed agreed on, was communication.

In unhappy relationships, a lack of communication was cited as the number one reason for it breaking down.

. . . BUT ANOTHER STUDY SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD

We are now twice as likely to choose money over love, according to a new study.

The research, carried out by innovative charity and gambling website jaro.com, has found that twice as many Britons would opt for £650 million (or $1bn U.S., where the research was carried out) over finding their true love, with men particularly being the most money-orientated.

And materialism peaks around middle age, with 40 per cent of those aged between 35 and 44 years old saying cash is more important than love or good health.

The survey of 2,000 adults found that women are more likely to choose love than men, but only by two per cent - 13 per cent of men are more likely to choose money.

The younger generation were found to be the most romantically inclined, with 18 to 24-year-olds placing equal importance on love and money at around 35 per cent each.

F**k Valentine's Day

It's that special time of year again, when Hallmark, diamond sellers, rose growers, and chocolate makers see nothing but dollar signs at the prospect of millions of men trying to show the person they love that they care enough to buy the very best. Men are groomed from a very young age (as are women) to see Valentine's Day as a "better show up" holiday.

F**k that.

VD is a made up holiday designed to sell stuff, mostly to men. And we buy into the scheme. Why? Social pressure, media pressure, and all kinds of other not at all subtle messages that tell us, "This is what god guys do. And you want to be a good guy, right?"

Bullshit.

What good guys actually do is show the person they love that they are special and appreciated all year, not on one made-up holiday. It doesn't mean buying stuff either. It can be as simple as kissing your beloved on the back of the neck while the coffee is brewing. Or just stopping in the middle of cooking dinner or walking across the room just to give a long hug.

My guess is that small acts like this, done all year long, will beat the hell out of the commercialism and materialism we call VD.

If you need some more reasons why VD sucks, check out this post from the Good Men Project.


10 Reasons Why Valentine’s Day Sucks: An Emily Hartridge Original Video

Some people really love Valentine’s Day. This video is not for you. 

And don’t forget our standard disclaimer copy: Emily’s videos are for entertainment only. Do not try this at home.

Sexuality as a Spiritual Practice (plus Five Sex Tips for Men About Women)

From Dr. Marilyn Mitchell's Heart and Soul Healing blog at Psychology Today, here is an article on making sexuality a spiritual experience or practice. As an added bonus, guys, I'm also including Laurie Watson's post on sex tips for men about women, from her Psychology Today blog, Married and Still Doing It.

Enjoy!

Sexuality as a Spiritual Practice

Sex is a common way that people connect with their spiritual selves

 

Published on September 14, 2012 by Marilyn Mitchell, M.D. in Heart and Soul Healing

Believe it or not, sex is one of the most common ways that people connect with their spiritual selves. Our deepest desire and motivation as human beings is to connect with our expansive spirit. We long for experiences that are uplifting, pleasurable, expansive, and that bring life force (spirit) into our otherwise mundane existence. We feel most alive when this life force is flowing through us. 

Not only do we enjoy or even crave this connection to life force, it is vital to our health. Every illness, injury, depression, anxiety or health concern stems from a diminishment or blockage of the flow of life in some way. In working with patients, it is important to help them not only on the physical level, but on the mental and energetic/spiritual levels as well in order to have optimal recovery and health.

In our culture we have been taught to identify with our minds, and what they say to us. When we listen to our minds only, we believe that the key to life and happiness is following the rules, working hard, making money, and staying safe. When our minds run the show, we can experience worry, anxiety and boredom, and may block our ability to connect with our spiritual self. Pleasurable and sensual experiences are outside the boundaries of the mind, and are key in connecting with vitality and life force.

We seek this connection to our energy/ spirit/ life force in various ways, healthy and unhealthy. The use of alcohol, drugs, smoking, or even a daily café latte represent attempts to loosen the mind, and have a sensual experience, but don’t lead us to the connection we seek. Many people will directly pursue spiritual practices that connect them with their expanded self. Meditation, yoga, prayer, and energy healing all have the potential to open the door to connection with something greater.

And then there is sex.

During a healthy sexual encounter, the world falls away, thought are suspended, and pleasurable energy connects heart, body, and spirit. Sexual energy provides a complete experience of body/ spirit merger and is possibly the most accessible avenue to spiritual connection for most people.

It is interesting that spiritual practices such as chakra- opening meditations (e.g. Dolphin Breath) and some yoga practices connect life force through the body and energy field in a way that is experienced as orgasmic pleasure. Certain religious ecstatic experiences are experienced as orgasmic.

Identifying sexuality as a spiritual practice tends to run counter to our cultural conditioning. Sex in our culture tends to be a secret matter, and most people carry some baggage with them about sex from conflicting messages they have received. 

Typically, young people who are awakening sexually are viewed as “going through that phase” and we expect that as they mature, the interest and preoccupation with sex will lessen as they put their minds and energies to “more important” life matters. Sexuality does tend to wane through life for most people to the point that in midlife, sexuality becomes a major issue, overt or buried – hardly a source of spiritual connection. 

What if we were to re-identify sex as a healthy, vibrant, important part of life, and celebrate it as an avenue for spiritual practice that can be integrated into our ongoing lives? What would unfold if we were to examine our sexual lives and recreate something that is nurturing and vibrant? Consider opening to sexuality with a new mindset.

* * * * * * *

Five Sex Tips for Men About Women

How to get her interested and keep her coming back for more 

 

Published on September 19, 2012 by Laurie J. Watson, LMFT, LPC in Married and Still Doing It

 

 

I asked my husband what men would like to hear about. He responded that men wanted to know the bra trick and probably how to get her interested and how to make it good for her—they wanted someone with a manual to share the important secrets. Here are five tips to help.

1. Romance opens her heart and eventually her legs.

When you think about a Thanksgiving feast, you probably think about snitching crisp turkey skin right off the bird straight out the oven, creamy mashed potatoes dripping with gravy, luscious spicy pumpkin pie mounded with whipped cream, and eating so much you have to loosen the belt. 

Chances are your wife has already started to plan that delicious menu. She likes to eat, too. But she’s also thinking about her guest list — how to keep Aunt Suzie from dominating poor nephew Allen. She’s wondering about which single woman she can invite to the growing table that might make a match for her single brother. Pottery Barn catalogs are being poured over as she plans her own table settings. This year’s centerpiece will be the piece de resistance. Candles have already made the shopping list so everything will be perfect. 

My point is while you may be thinking about eating, your wife is thinking about the whole ritual of the day, the romance of the gathering—connection, beauty, and light. You’ve heard it a million times: be romantic. It's tired advice. Tired but true. But you don’t know why anyone would bother with the trimmings when there’s a feast ahead; doesn’t matter to you if it’s on china or a paper plate.

Women like to feel deeply connected before they turn on sexually. The setting, the build-up, the relationship all work together to make the moment work for her. These things do matter to her.

Women complain to me in therapy that their husbands never call when they’re at work. Right, I tell them as I defend you. That’s because he’s thinking of work. Men compartmentalize to the task at hand. Women think more like the web—everything links to everything. It works against us when the task at hand is sex and we can’t let go of the cares of the day. Compartmentalizing works for you when it comes to sex because you can focus and enjoy, but it works against you when it comes to providing some forethought to the moment.

Flowers sitting on the counter provide relational constancy for a woman. Object constancy is a developmental milestone. When you hide the ball behind your back and your baby remembers and tries to find it; he has achieved object constancy. He remembers the ball when it disappears.  Relational constancy means we feel secure even if our partner is absent or preoccupied. Gifts and flowers are like transitional objects standing in for your presence. You go to work, travel, get busy, and she remembers you still love her. “He does think of me when he’s away from me.” You get points when you’re not even there. Romance proves forethought.   

Romance is like exercise. If you jog in the morning it doesn’t mean you won’t have a heart attack that night. Romance doesn’t mean: I brought you flowers, so I should get sex tonight. Exercise creates a healthy body. Romance creates a healthy romantic backdrop for a woman’s responsiveness. It’s a tactical, practical thing you can do that adds to her feelings of connection.

2. Personalize the ask.

Make it about her, not about being horny. Forget the bump and cup. If she likes to be touched first, start generic. As far as verbal suggestions, “Do you want to have sex?” leaves women cold.  “Mmmm,” they think, “do I want to have sex…uh, no.” It’s the wrong question. If fact, initiation shouldn’t be a question, it should be a statement of what you want. 

 

Look her in the eyes. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her you want to make love to her. It’s so much more personal than, “what about tonight?” or “are you in the mood?” or “wanna do it?” Women can think that all men want is sex. Show her that all you want is her. Be vulnerable instead of nonchalant. 

 

Maybe this seems like splitting hairs. You think she should know you want her. Seemingly no matter what you do, initiation results in the same answer—no. But all things have to work together. You can’t only concentrate on the turn of your golf swing. You’ve also to have the right grip and keep your eye on the ball. Marshal all these sex tips for a coordinated effort. Think about creating a climate verses an event.

 

3. She’ll be coming ‘round (or up) the mountain when she comes.

From a dead start (i.e. weeknight sex), women take about 40 minutes to get to the peak sexually.  They take about 20 minutes of very general caressing to change from willing to have sex to wanting to have sex. Then, they take another 20 minutes of genital stimulation to reach orgasm. If you rush her, she’ll conclude it’s not her night and tell you to go ahead. Usually this is unsatisfying to men because they want a responsive partner. Almost every woman I’ve ever talked to thinks she takes too long. Compared to you she takes a very long time. 

Her hormonal funding of testosterone, a hormone in both men and women that governs physiological craving for sex, can be as low as 100th of yours. Think about weightlifting with and without steroids.  You can do everything that your buddy does curl for curl, but if he’s on steroids his rate of build is going to be much higher. A man’s normal testosterone levels are 300-1,000 ng/dL serum blood.  Parents of teenage girls are afraid of the 1,000 level, and at 300, a guy often seeks a sex therapist for low desire. At 300, he won’t have morning erections, he struggles even with Viagra, will think about sex about once a week, and if he has a fight with his wife he won’t want it. A woman’s testosterone level is about 70 ng/dL when she is 18 and half that when she is 40 if she’s lucky. Her experience in her body is markedly different that your experience. While we may process testosterone differently and there are also measurements that are even more sensitive, this is the primary reason you crave sex and she doesn’t. She likes it, she needs it but she only knows that once she’s having it. Testosterone also governs her rate of arousal.

 

4. Suggest new techniques, positions, and fantasies when she’s halfway up the mountain.

 If you’re a sexual pursuer, you like to improve things. You probably have fantastic ideas about how to spice sex up. And you’ve probably been shot down a time or two (or hundred). The best time to suggest something new is not on the car ride home but after she is very aroused. At that point her modesty is lower, her inhibition has dropped, and she is the most open to your suggestion. 

You can help by not lording it over her in the morning debrief. Don’t say, “Wow, I knew you’d really like x if I could ever talk you into it.” Instead, be reassuring. Say, “That was fantastic last night.”  Leave the details until the next time she’s halfway up the mountain. For some reason, some women experience shame when their vulnerable experimentation if recounted. You’d be wise to get her to talk about it only when she’s aroused.

Women are often socialized to be the brakes, not the engine, of sexual desire.¹ My female clients often tell me about their spouses' ideas. Many of your ideas include acts, positions, or fantasies about things they would be willing to try. Unfortunately, they are afraid that one thing might lead to another—meaning one deviation from the norm might lead to deviancy.

Reassure her of your own boundaries so that she will relax. If you want to tell her your fantasies but know that they will always remain in fantasy only (i.e., they are things you would never do)—say so.  If you know you have fantasies that she would never consent to, prove you know her and say that.  Tell her you respectfully submit the ideas for exploration in fantasy only. The exception to my above advice: don’t push against known sensibilities or moral views at a time when she’s aroused. She will stop trusting to let down her guard and become aroused with you. Those discussions should take place outside the bedroom.

5. Know 20 different touch techniques.

The difference between a professional massage and a husband’s in-front-of-the-TV-back-rub are pretty stark. The masseuse works each side of the back with perfect symmetry. Every muscle is kneaded. Touches are measured and planned to deepen relaxation. There is enough repetition for the recipient to rest and enough change to keep it interesting. 

Similarly, a man needs to know and be able to stimulate a woman’s genitals with knowledge and intention. He should know each part with lights on and with a reach in the dark. Because the woman’s genitals change during arousal, he should know the particulars for those changes: color, engorgement, erectile tissue, lubrication. A good lover has at least 20 different touches to use. The two primary variants are pressure and friction and a combination of the two.

Because 19 of them may not work on a particular night given her menstrual cycle, level or tiredness or alertness, bloating or not—your wife should guide you with lots of feedback about what works and doesn’t. Ask her to give you a number on a scale of one to five rather than “that feels good.” You may find that one touch that took her to the moon one night never works again. Not your fault. You may find that she only wants the same ole' touch over and over. Not your fault. You may find that you are almost out of options. Not your fault. She is the only one who can know what feels good at any given moment. Know only two or three touches or rush the process? Then, the lack of progress might be your fault.

Gentle encouragement to tell you her preferences will help. Don’t think you know what works. You can’t know. You shouldn’t feel criticized if she redirects you. If you have many touches in your repertoire, the odds increase that you can please her even when she is having a tough night relaxing. Do research different touches orally and manually in sex books. Do research live on her with a night set aside for learning. Tell her you want nothing in return that night—only to learn how to please her. Porn is an unrealistic teacher of technique often emphasizing intercourse. As I’ve said in many previous blogs: most women don’t climax from intercourse. Only 15 to 20 percent do; but 100 percent of ambulatory disease-free women can climax from adequate clitoral stimulation (read: at least 20 minutes once aroused) Please do see fellow PT bloggers Michael Castleman’s excellent book Great Sex or Paul Joannides' Guide to Getting It On!

¹Deborah Tolman, Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk About Sexuality (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 2002)

Follow me on Facebook on LaurieWatson.SexTherapist or on Twitter at AskLaurieWatson

You can pre-order Laurie's book Wanting Sex Again!

Men Are Romantic Idealists, but a Woman's Tears Turns Men Off

Seeing these two studies on the same day was interesting. I've suspected that men are more romantic than women (I certainly was when I was younger), which likely stems from our limited experience with strong emotions (and a whole lot of other factors), but this article suggests there is evidence for that belief. I wonder how many women would agree?

The second article shows that when a woman cries, her man's testosterone plummets. My guess is that there is something other than reduced aggression as a result of tears, which the authors posit as an explanation. The study said that men also do not experience greater empathy (I wonder how they measure that?), but I am thinking empathy of some form might be the goal of tears - emotional bonding.

Are Men More Romantic Than Women?

Dr. Terri Orbuch - Professor, relationship therapist, author
Posted: January 6, 2011

A girlfriend of mine told me her boyfriend asked her last week which she preferred -- opals or pearls. She said, "Ink cartridges." Her boyfriend was crestfallen when she explained that she'd prefer that he gift wrap a six-month supply of those expensive little ink cartridges for her printer/scanner than slip her a romantic necklace the night before Christmas.

This came as no surprise to me. In my own long-term study of married couples, and from the many studies I've read on romanticism among the genders, it appears that yet another gender myth can be dismantled: Men, typically, are more romantic than women.

When relationship researchers talk about romanticism, it refers to a person's general beliefs about love -- not one's feelings about a specific person and his or her behaviors.

Between you and your partner, who is more romantic? The answer might surprise you. Take this quick true-or-false quiz to learn more about your own level of romanticism.

True / False -- I believe in love at first sight.
True / False -- I fall in love easily, and when I do, I fall hard.
True / False -- I believe there is a perfect soul mate out there somewhere for me.
True / False -- If I don't have passionate feelings for someone right away, chances are s/he's not "the one."
True / False -- No matter what challenges life presents, love can conquer all.
True / False -- When you're truly in love, passion never fades; it can last forever.

Now, count up the number of "true" answers.

Scoring:

• 1-2: You're a realist. You are probably more interested in a partner who can take a toaster apart or get along with your eccentric parents than one who makes passes at you in public.
• 3-4: You're a secret dreamer. You may harbor secret fantasies about love and romance, but you're still firmly attached to the idea that a partner is, above all else, a source of security and your anchor in life.
• 5-6: You're a total romantic. You can list the best on-screen kisses of all time -- because you've watched them over and over! You envision you and your partner madly in love at 90 and still whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears.

Okay, now you know a bit more about your own romantic beliefs. But what about those of your partner? What do you do if you are a lot less -- or more -- romantic than your partner?

My own research and that of others shows that men tend to believe that love should be more passionate than women generally do. It also shows that men fall in love more easily than women. In my long-term study, I was genuinely surprised by the number of men who were smitten with their wives long before their wives even took them seriously. That's a pattern other researchers have found, as well. Women, in general, tend to have more pragmatic views of love.

If you are a man, you may be frustrated by your girlfriend or wife's practical approach to lovemaking and romance. Does she roll over, put on her bathrobe, and start checking her e-calendar moments after you've made love? Does she e-mail you to schedule a "date" after the gym but before her 7 o'clock meeting? Don't take these behaviors personally. She's not dissing you. She's simply compartmentalizing her romantic feelings. This is common among women. If it bothers you, let her know that you'd like to do things your way sometimes. That is, linger in bed in each other's arms listening to jazz. Or spontaneously making love -- at an odd time or in an unusual place -- once in a while.

If you are a woman, you may feel put off by his amorous advances when you're trying to study at night. Or his complaints that you don't seem to care about him anymore. He's not being a big baby -- he's being a guy. For men, frequent shows of physical affection and small endearments, such as holding hands or kissing, are very reassuring. It's fine to be practical about your love relationship, but at least some of the time, let him feel like the two of you are in a movie. Take the time to create a romantic mood or scene for him. You'll both be glad you did.

When two partners are sensitive to each others' attitudes toward romanticism, and make an effort to gain insight into what each other needs and likes, you may discover that both his romanticism and her practical approach to love have their advantages.

Follow Dr. Terri Orbuch on Twitter: www.twitter.com/drterrilovedr

And here is the study on T levels in response to tears.

Women's Tears Turn Men Off

LAURAN NEERGAARD | 01/6/11

WASHINGTON — If a crying woman's red nose isn't a big enough turnoff to a man, a surprising experiment found another reason: Tears of sadness may temporarily lower his testosterone level. Those tears send a chemical signal as the man gets close enough to sniff them – even though there's no discernible odor, say researchers from Israel's Weizmann Institute of Science.

It's the first such signal to be found in tears, and it's probably not unique to women's. Theirs just were the first to be studied.

"It's hard to get men to volunteer to cry" in a lab, noted Weizmann neurobiologist Noam Sobel, senior author of the study appearing in Friday's edition of the journal Science.

Emotional tears are chemically different from the reflex tears that form when you get dust in your eye. But biologists have long puzzled over the true function of emotional tears: Are they merely cathartic, or do they have some other physiological role?

Mice can produce a sort of tear that contains a pheromone, an odorless molecule that triggers basic instincts in many animals. So Sobel's team tested whether human tears similarly can convey subliminal chemical signals through the nose. After all, we tend to hug a crying loved one, putting our nose near their tears.

First, some women volunteered to watch a sad movie in the lab and collect their tears in a vial. For a comparison, researchers trickled saline down the women's cheeks and collected those droplets, too.

Healthy young men couldn't smell a difference between the real tears and the sham ones.

Then came a series of tests: The men were given women's photographs to rate. When they sniffed actual tears, they found the women less sexually attractive than when they sniffed saline. And to researchers' surprise, sniffing actual tears didn't make the men empathetic.

Also, saliva tests of testosterone levels found a dip in that hormone after they sniffed tears but not the salt water. Finally, when they sniffed tears and then watched a sad movie inside a brain-scanning MRI machine, the men showed less activity in neural networks associated with sexual arousal.

"We have never looked at tears in this way before," said Dr. Esen Akpek of Johns Hopkins University's Wilmer Eye Institute, who wasn't involved with the new study. "This is really interesting."

The findings make sense, she said, because the glands that secrete tears bear receptors, or docking ports, for sex hormones – a connection most clearly seen with dry eye, which is most common in postmenopausal women.

Why would our tears have evolved a "chemosignal" to function as a sign of sexual disinterest? It's possible that's a proxy for lowering aggression, acknowledged Sobel, who now is trying to identify the molecule doing the work.

For now his findings suggest "the signal is serving to time sexual behavior. It is a signal that allows its user to say, 'Now is not the right time.' I predict there are other signals that say, 'Now it is,'" Sobel said. "This is just one of many chemosignals."

Stay tuned: He's now testing male tears, "as we finally have one good man crier."

Tags: Men Relationships, Men, Romance, Romantic, Relationships, Women, Are Men More Romantic Than Women?, Terri Orbuch, Chemical In Tears, Crying Study, Crying, Sexual Turnoff, Men, Tears Study, Tears, Turnoff, The Inner Life, Women's Tears, pheromones, men, women, relationships, testosterone, romance, gender differences, Women's Tears Turn Men Off, Lauran Neergaad, Huffington Post, empathy, evolution