Self-Compassion with Dr. Kristin Neff on The Secret Lives of Men

Kristin Neff is one of my favorite people - she has helped bring the idea of self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, into the forefront of research and praxis. Dr. Neff is an Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture at the University of Texas at Austin - she has been featured at TED and has spoken at a variety of other conferences and venues - there are several video clips at her site (linked at her name above).

Through her work, I have changed my approach to doing therapy, and I have spread ideas to my co-workers as well. Her website has some cool self-compassion meditations, free assessment tools for counselors and researchers, exercises to increase self-compassion, and lots of other very useful material - all open access. Many of the materials offered are co-created with Dr. Christopher K. Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions (another book I HIGHLY recommend).

For those of you who have seen the film, she is the mother who took her family to Mongolia in search of a shaman to work with her autistic son - the film about her journey is called The Horse Boy. This is a very touching film - and since I love Mongolia (the people and the landscape are beautiful) that part was an extra bonus.

On a recent episode of The Secret Lives of Men, Dr. Chris Blazina spoke with Dr. Kristin Neff about her research and hr recent book, Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Here is the publishers ad-copy for the book:

The relentless pursuit of high self-esteem has become a virtual religion—and a tyrannical one at that. Our ultra-competitive culture tells us we need to be constantly above average to feel good about ourselves, but there is always someone more attractive, successful, or intelligent than we are. And even when we do manage to grab hold of high self-esteem for a brief moment, we can't seem to keep it. Our sense of self-worth goes up and down like a ping-pong ball, rising and falling in lockstep with our latest success or failure. 

Fortunately, there is an alternative to self-esteem that many experts believe is a better and more effective path to happiness: self-compassion. The research of Dr. Kristin Neff and other leading psychologists indicates that people who are compassionate toward their failings and imperfections experience greater well-being than those who repeatedly judge themselves. The feelings of security and self-worth provided by self-compassion are also highly stable, kicking in precisely when self-esteem falls down. This book powerfully demonstrates why it's so important to be self-compassionate and give yourself the same caring support you'd give to a good friend.

This groundbreaking work will show you how to let go of debilitating self-criticism and finally learn to be kind to yourself. Using solid empirical research, personal stories, practical exercises, and humor, Dr. Neff—the world's foremost expert on self-compassion—explains how to heal destructive emotional patterns so that you can be healthier, happier, and more effective. Engaging, highly readable, and eminently accessible, this book has the power to change your life.

I think this topic is especially relevant for men. We are raised to be competitive, to be self-critical and aim for perfection, and to be intolerant of anything less than greatness. No wonder so many men secretly feel like failures or frauds.

 

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Self-Compassion: Kristin Neff

by Secret Lives of Men

May 22, 2012

Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. Kristin Neff 

From leading psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff comes a step-by-step guide explaining how to be more self-compassionate and achieve your dreams in life.

Dr. Kristin Neff (and other leading psychologists) indicates that people who are compassionate toward their failings and imperfections experience greater well-being than those who repeatedly judge themselves. The feelings of security and self-worth provided by self-compassion are also highly stable, kicking in precisely when self-esteem falls down. This book powerfully demonstrates why it's so important to be self-compassionate and give yourself the same caring support you'd give to a good friend. This groundbreaking work will show you how to let go of debilitating self-criticism and finally learn to be kind to yourself.