When She Wants to "Talk," Man Up and Own Your Stuff

I used to hate to hear that frightening phrase, "We need to talk." My first thought was always, "Shit, NOW what did I do?"

Generally, it was something I had done, or not done. But I showed up, took responsibility to the best of my ability, and tried to the best of my ability to change my behavior if needed.

So I'm good with the message in this article.

I have one thing to ask in return of women (or same-sex partners): When it's time for a "talk," please be rational and have it sorted out in your head. If you are emotional and all over the place, bringing up old shit that has nothing to do with the current situation, I'm going to tune out pretty quickly.

So the deal is, you be clear and concise, and I'll own my shit. Deal?

Men: Own Your Crap

When Your Wife Wants To Talk, Do Not Avoid

By John R. Buri, Ph.D.

In the Love Bytes blog two weeks ago [Guys Night Out (Part 1)], it was suggested to men that if we want a successful marriage, then we need to own our crap. I thought it might be valuable to give a little background to this assertion.

Arguably the foremost marriage expert in the world is a man named John Gottman. He was once asked: "If you could give just one piece of advice to men for the success of their marriages, what would you say?" Barely taking a breath, Gottman stated that the most important thing for us men in our marriages is to NOT AVOID discussions with our wife --- even the tough (and maybe especially the tough) discussions.

In a study published a couple years ago (in the Journal of Psychosomatic Medicine), a sample of 3,682 married men and women were surveyed about the ways in which they discussed and resolved differences in their marriage. It turned out that approximately 25% of the women in the study reported that they typically did not bring up issues to their husbands / that they tended to bottle up their feelings rather than express them / that they generally kept quiet about those things that were bothering them. As one author put it, they "silenced" themselves.

These 3,682 men and women (and their marriages) were then studied over the next 10 years. During that 10 year period, those women who tended to not bring up issues to their husbands were 4 times more likely to die of coronary heart disease than were those women who freely discussed their concerns with their husbands. Yes, you read that correctly --- the death rate DURING THIS 10 YEAR PERIOD was 4 times greater for these women (and that was AFTER controlling for all the usual suspects in heart disease --- body mass index, cigarette smoking, cholesterol, diabetes).

Furthermore, we know from repeated studies what happens to marriages when wives are silent about those things they want (need?) to talk about. In the short run, when wives keep quiet about communication patterns, work done around the house, the quality of the relationship, the amount of time spent together, things that her husband could improve on, what could be done to make the marriage better (I suspect you get the idea!), the marriage looks like it is in pretty good shape (sort of like the fake façade on a movie set). That is in the short run --- for the first 2 or 3 years. But in the long run (within 4 or 5 years), such marriages do not fare very well. Both in terms of stability and satisfaction, silencing the self contributes to the demise of a marriage.

On the other hand, those marriages in which wives are free to bring up their issues --- and husbands fully participate is the discussion of those issues --- these are the marriages that thrive.

So how should we think about these sorts of things?

Essentially, our wives tend to have lots of insights into relationships. Most of them grew up with loads of experience maintaining and nurturing relationships. They tend to know how to make relationships work / how to build connections / how to sustain harmony / how to facilitate intimacy --- all of which are key elements in successful marriages. [Now, admittedly there may be times when they fail to put this knowledge to work with us --- that is for another blog entry --- but they nonetheless tend to have lots more insights into this world of relationships than we do.]

So if a man has a wife who is not irrational and unreasonable / a woman who is not a catastrophizer, terriblizer, awfulizer, horriblizer / a woman who takes the advice of Harlan Miller to heart [Harlan Miller once stated: "Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists in leaving about 3 or 4 things a day unsaid"] --- if we are married to such a woman, then why wouldn't we talk with her about the things that are on her mind?

Most married men (approximately 85%) avoid such discussions with our wives. And when we do, we tend to create raving maniacs --- what a couple responders to previous Love Bytes blog posts have referred to as women who use "harsh start-ups." [Anyone who has lived with such a woman understands my preference for the term "raving maniacs".] But such women have found themselves in a situation where they begin to think that the only way they can get us to listen to them is by being more forceful about their need to talk.

Guess what --- it doesn't work! The last thing that is going to encourage us to sit down and have a discussion is a woman who forcefully says: "WE NEED TO TALK!" But women who are married to avoiders seldom see any other recourse.

Women tend to maintain and nurture their marriage, but whether or not it will ultimately take off and be successful generally rests with us men.

So it bears repeating --- MEN: WE NEED TO OWN OUR SHIT.

Tags: Men, Own Your Crap, talk, John R. Buri, Psychology Today, Love Bytes, masculinity, men, relationships, communication

Simple Marriage - How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse

Do you know how to talk about sex with your partner? Are you comfortable breaking out the toys when you are playing together? If not, your relationship is probably doomed. Communication is crucial to a healthy relationship, and this true in the sexual realm more than any other if you ask me (and no one did).

Here is some good information from Corey Allan at the Simple Marriage site.

How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse

photo credit: HAMED MASOUMI

Sex is an important aspect of most every marriage. Your sexuality plays a major role in life. It influences how you dress, act, and interact with others around you. It’s everywhere.

Stand in line at your local grocery store and see if you can avoid seeing the word sex on a magazine cover. You’ll likely see it several times.

Talking about sex however, is possibly one of the more difficult conversations in life. Did you realize that for many people, it’s easier to talk about sex with friends than it is with your sexual partner? Why is that?

It’s tied to the anxiety these intimate subjects and acts create.

Do you remember how nervous you were during your first sexual encounter? Filled with uncertainty, the exploration of the unknown, being vulnerable with someone else, sharing new parts of yourself with another person.

After a while, the nervousness subsides, confidence increases, but routine takes over. If you’re honest, you probably have a set amount of sex routines. It’s always Sunday afternoon, must be in the dark, they do me then I do them.

I’m sure there are times when the routine is altered and the playbook is thrown out the window, but it’s likely that the new plays designed will simply replace some of the older ones.

There is nothing wrong with playbook sex, especially when both of you enjoy it. But what happens when one of you wants to alter the plays a bit?

It’s usually hard to bring up intimate subjects with those you care about. There’s a lot of risk involved with these conversations. Just because the topic is intimate and the person is someone you love, don’t back down from bringing up the things that are important to you.

When it comes to talking with your spouse about sex, here’s a few things to keep in mind.

1. Timing is key. It’s not a good idea to bring up the subject of sex while having sex (this is different than a follow the connection talking which enhances the experience). If you want to discuss some unresolved aspect of your sexual relationship or a disappointment or frustration, during sex is not a good time for the discussion. Both of you will likely be less open and objective about the conversation. It’s also not a good idea to bring up touchy subjects at bedtime.
2. Be honest. If you are going to address this subject, be upfront and honest. This may seem like common sense but there are many people who resort to code words or only bring things up half-way.
3. Avoid placing blame and attacking. It’s easy to address this topic with statements like “Why do you always want to …” or “You always seem to initiate when I’m…” Anytime a person feels attacked they’ll respond defensively, it’s part of our survival nature. During personal discussions, take care of yourself. Talk about your experience, your thoughts, your feelings. While this will still impact your partner and may possibly hurt a bit, it increases the chances that you will be heard.
4. Ask questions. Seek to hear their side of things, be clear on their perspective. This is especially good advice if you have a spouse who’s reluctant to have this conversation.
5. Listen intently throughout the conversation. Slowing down to really listen can help keep the conversation calm, not less emotionally charge. But the less reactive you are, the more likely a good resolution will result.
6. Fill the conversation with respect. Avoid talking down to your spouse and assuming they know what you’re thinking. Also avoid interrupting them while they’re speaking.

As the conversation proceeds, you should also examine and discuss these sexual styles (everyone has these styles or moods at some point):

• Spiritual - The union of the mind, body and soul during sexual encounters together. This connection comes from your deep appreciation of being with each other and is created by being more aware of the little moments in your life.
• Lusty - The flirty and wicked looks at one another, the quickies, and the pleasure of having sex simply for the sex.
• Tender - The gentle, romantic, affectionate touch that involves massages, light touches, and catering to one another.
• Funny - Teasing and laughing with each other in bed. Having fun with one another.
• Angry - This is making love even when you’re ticked off at each other (yes it is possible). This can be reparative and healing, provided the issues you’re angry about are still addressed.
• Fantasy - This probably needs little explanation. It’s the style of collaboration between the two of you - to create a bit of daring and experimentation. Could be role play, new positions, or risky locations.

We are designed as sexual beings, but don’t forget that one of the most sexual parts of our design - is our mind.

Tags: Simple Marriage, How To Talk About Sex With Your Spouse, relationships, commmunication, sexuality, Corey Allan