Chela Davison - Integral Dude: On Being a Masculine Chick

Regular readers of this blog know that masculinity in men is not the only topic I write about here - I have written quite a bit and posted articles on gender identity, transgender, gender fluidity, and other variations on gender that call into question the male / female binary so many assume as the only option.

A recent article at the Integral Chicks site offers a first-person perspective on what it's like to be female by sex and to feel masculine by gender (sex is biological, gender is cultural). It's an excellent article.

[Disclaimer: There is nothing about David Deida that I endorse - but I also have no direct experience of him or his teachings, just his books.]

Integral Dude: On Being a Masculine Chick

By Chela Davison

I was about twenty or twenty-one when I was first introduced to the theory of masculine/feminine, sexual yoga and the work of David Deida. It was shortly after a somewhat awkward conversation with a man I was dating who had asked me about my relationship to vulnerability. If it weren’t for the fact that this is as funny as it is, I’d be humiliated to tell you that I actually had no idea what he was talking about.

Vulnerability? Like…what do you mean? No, I don’t feel vulnerable. I’ve got my shit together, can’t you tell? I can still recall how guarded I felt, like there was something to protect, though I didn’t know what. I was closed. He was looking for something, a way in perhaps, some softness, some chink in the armor. I gave him nothing but a bunch of intellectual run around. He was frustrated, I was offended. Neither of us got laid that night.

Then I started to dive into Deida’s work, reading about the divine masculine and feminine. I tried to read Blue Truth (which I think was supposed to be for women, like The Way of the Superior Man is for men), and I was all, what is this shit? It’s all flowing and poetic and confusing. Lay it out for me champ, what the heck are you trying to say? Intimate Communion was one I could understand. Theory. Linear. A little bit of A to B action, if you know what I’m sayin’. I started getting a bit skeptical, watching myself as I got into this material. The masculine made sense—agency, purpose, drive…yeah, I get that. But the feminine—surrender, vulnerability, full hearted-opening-past-every-contraction-to-be-penetrated-by-consciousness-and-what-is-this-guy-actually-talking-about!? This feminine stuff—while I could feel a stirring desire to allow myself to be touched by what was being communicated—there was something about it all that felt fluffy and weird and, frankly, dramatically frightening.

I started to tune in to what it felt like to be energetically me and apparently ‘masculine’ really ruled how I was showing up in my life. I owned a company, led staff and was a fast-paced, A-type. Every minute was Go Time. I had targets and goals and purpose, deadlines and objectives and measurable results. I ate vulnerability for breakfast and kept it where it belonged, behind the steel trap door of my fearless cognitive strategizing and fantasizing. Don’t get me wrong, I was plenty open and connected in certain ways, but not the ways that really let you into the mess of things, not in the ways that could possibly make me relinquish control and knock me off my five year plan or allow me to take direction from anyone else, let alone a man. That’s when I was all….

Shit… I’m a dude!

Go read the whole article. 

In Praise of Cuddling

At the risk of being seen as something less than manly, I want to write in praise of cuddling. This post builds on yesterday's Robert Masters article, but in a more personal way. NOTE: this is going to be a personal article, so if you don't want to know this kind of stuff, go read ESPN.com or something.

Disclaimer: I am not an expert, but I have been working on some of these things for many years. And I know that most men claim that cuddling is a chore, an obligation to get some sex. I call bullshit on that.

Okay, then, Masters said a couple of things I want to repeat:

Connect Before, During, and After Sex

Instead of trying to find connection through sex with your partner, come to sex already connected — that is, already feeling intimate — with your partner. If you don’t feel close to your partner, don’t then go for sex, but rather mutually face and work through whatever’s obstructing your closeness with each other.

If you start to lose connection during sex — as can happen when we slip into fantasy or try to make things go a certain way — interrupt whatever you’re doing sexually, and let your partner know what is going on with you, and stay with it until you are both reconnected, even if this means not resuming your lovemaking. This is not about shaming or blaming, but about simply changing gears.

Staying connected after sex does not mean dutifully trying to be close, but rather making your connection with each other such a priority that you are held in the circle of each other’s loving embrace, even when that circle expands infinitely.

And this . . .

For men, it is crucial that they contact and fully embody their core adult masculinity, reclaiming their balls without losing touch with their heart, so that they are simultaneously capable of great erotic presence and equally great tenderness. As he becomes more fully present, more strongly anchored in love, integrity, and his essential masculinity, he becomes not only more trustworthy to his partner, but also more attractive, so that she can open more fully to him, with the result that their lovemaking becomes much, much more than just a mechanical ritual or exercise.
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The polarity between being-centered partners can be mind-blowingly great, since it hypervividly highlights (and simultaneously celebrates) the differences between male and female in every dimension — which only increases the longing, the enormously rich longing, for the two to meet as deeply as they possibly can.

Both of these quotes relate to what I want to write about . . . namely, cuddling.

Jami and I cuddle a lot. I like it as much as she does. And unlike many men, I do not see it as a chore, an obligation, or as boring. It's a major part of how we maintain intimacy in our relationship.

The first Masters quote above talks about maintaining intimacy before, during, and after sex. Cuddling is a great way to do that. If we have felt distant during the week because of work, my school work, or whatever, we cuddle before even thinking about having sex.

The second Masters quote is about sexual polarity - and when he talks about this part of our lives, it's a hell of a lot more integral than anything David Deida might write. Masters wants men to embody their full, mature masculinity, and you know what? We can do this when we cuddle with our partner.

When I hold Jami, she surrenders into my body, and she says she can feel my love for her in my touch. When I hold her, I feel protective, embodied, present, and masculine. Rather than making me more feminine, cuddling makes me feel more manly and more masculine. She feels more feminine, more contained, more safe. Our polarity is activated in a profound way, and having that energy contributes to the passion of our sex lives.

The key here, of course, is being present with each other, being in the moment. If we are thinking about work, or sports, or school, or whatever, we are not present and we will not create the intimacy and polarity that is possible. When we are present, we are open and vulnerable and our hearts are tender and warm.

My strength as a man comes from sharing the tenderness and love that is in my heart, while also acting as a container for those shared feelings, and owning my masculine power. When I can do this, it allows Jami to embrace her feminine power, to be contained in our love, to be more open.

So men, my challenge to you is try this in your relationship. Be powerful, be passionate, be present, be tender - and do it while you cuddle, with sex not being on the agenda for a while. The more you can do this, the better your sex life will be when you do go in that direction.

Tags: masculinity, relationships, polarity, sexuality, In Praise of Cuddling, Robert Masters, presence