Taking Sick Days - And Shaming Myself for "Being Lazy"

I get sick about once every five or six years, and this is one of those times. In my head, I know I need to rest and rebuild my strength, and I know that it's better to stay home and not get others sick than to fight through it and work anyway (which has been my pattern). But my rational mind is not always in control - at another level I am shaming myself for "being lazy," for "abandoning my clients," for "not being invincible."

I put those beliefs in quotation marks because I know they are not true, but my inner critic (see here, here, and here) uses phrases like that to shame me, to remind myself that I am "lazy, irresponsible, and inconsiderate." Those are some of the messages I internalized as a child (thanks Dad, thanks Mr. Laney [2nd grade teacher], and thanks Mr. Fox [6th grade teacher]).

Some part of me, that internalized critic, truly believes I should never get sick, never miss work days, never fail to be there for my clients. And it really doesn't really help to know that other people struggle with this, too.

As I write this, hoping that maybe some other guys (or gals) will find this useful and supportive, I keep bringing myself back to my breath. I seek the compassionate observer within (or simply observing self, see here and here) and try to view being sick and how my critic responds, holding both parts of me in compassion.

If you are new to this kind of work, here is an exercise from Dr. Krisitn Neff (author of Self-Compassion Stop Beating Yourself up and Leave Insecurity Behind), from her website, where she offers a lot of free worksheets, exercises, and meditations (the meditations are by Dr. Christopher Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions):

The criticizer, the criticized, and the compassionate observer

This exercise is modeled on the two-chair dialogue studied by Gestalt therapist Leslie Greenberg. In this exercise, clients sit in different chairs to help get in touch with different, often conflicting parts of their selves, experiencing how each aspect feels in the present moment.

To begin, put out three empty chairs, preferably in a triangular arrangement. Next, think about an issue that often troubles you, and that often elicits harsh self-criticism. Designate one chair as the voice of your inner self-critic, one chair as the voice of the part of you that feels judged and criticized, and one chair as the voice of a wise, compassionate observer. You are going to be role-playing all three parts of yourself - you, you, and you. It may feel a bit silly at first, but you may be surprised at what comes out once you really start letting your feelings flow freely.

1) Think about your “issue,” and then sit in the chair of the self-critic. As you take your seat, express out loud what the self-critical part of you is thinking and feeling. For example “I hate that fact that you’re such a whimp and aren’t self-assertive.” Notice the words and tone of voice the self-critical part of you uses, and also how it is feeling. Worried, angry, self-righteous, exasperated? Note what your body posture is like. Strong, rigid, upright? What emotions are coming up for you right now?

2) Take the chair of the criticized aspect of yourself. Try to get in touch with how you feel being criticized in this manner. Then verbalize how you feel, responding directly to your inner critic. For example, “I feel so hurt by you” or “I feel so unsupported.” Just speak whatever comes into your mind. Again, notice the tone of your voice? Is it sad, discouraged, childlike, scared, helpless? What is your body posture like? Are you slumped, downward facing, frowning?

3) Conduct a dialogue between these two parts of yourself for a while, switching back and forth between the chair of the criticizer and the criticized. Really try to experience each aspect of yourself so each knows how the other feels. Allow each to fully express its views and be heard.

4) Now occupy the chair of the compassionate observer. Call upon your deepest wisdom, the wells of your caring concern, and address both the critic and the criticized. What does your compassionate self say to the critic, what insight does it have? For example, “You sound very much like your mother” or, “I see that you’re really scared, and you’re trying to help me so I don’t mess up.” What does your compassionate self say to the criticized part of yourself? For example, “It must be incredibly difficult to hear such harsh judgment day after day. I see that you’re really hurting” or “All you want is to be accepted for who you are.” Try to relax, letting your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth? What is the tone of your voice? Tender, gentle, warm? What is your body posture like - balanced, centered, relaxed?

5) After the dialogue finishes (stop whenever it feels right), reflect upon what just happened. Do you have any new insights into how you treat yourself, where your patterns come from, new ways of thinking about the situation that are more productive and supportive? As you think about what you have learned, set your intention to relate to yourself in a kinder, healthier way in the future. A truce can be called in your inner war. Peace is possible. Your old habits of self-criticism don’t need to rule you forever. What you need to do is listen to the voice that’s already there, even if a bit hidden - your wise, compassionate self.

It can take some practice to not feel weird doing exercises such as this, but it's worth the effort and the sense of feeling silly. In fact, this work can trigger inner critic response, offering more fuel for the work of developing self-compassion.

Jack Kornfield - Set the Compass of Your Heart

Jack Kornfield is the author, most recently, of A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path through Difficult Times. This brief excerpt comes from that book.

Jack Kornfield - Set the Compass of Your Heart 
BRIEF TEACHINGS

You need a reliable compass to set your direction and steer through the rough waters when you are going through hard times, when you’ve been betrayed, when you’ve lost your job, when you’ve lost friends or loved ones, when you’re in conflict with your family, or when you’re going through illness.

But how can you set your direction when you can’t see any clear harbor? And how can you navigate through difficult waters when you’re swamped by overwhelming emotions, when so much of your awareness is taken over with trying to figure out who’s at fault and who did what to whom, or creating stories about who’s wrong and who’s right and why?

When we’re overwhelmed by a difficult situation, sometimes we know we’re behaving in a way that is only making matters worse, but we don’t know how to stop.

No matter what situation we find ourselves in, we can always set our compass to our highest intentions in the present moment. Perhaps it is nothing more than being in a heated conversation with another person and stopping to take a breath and ask yourself, “What is my highest intention in this moment?” If you can have enough awareness to take this small step, your heart will give you an answer that will take the conversation in a different, more positive direction. With simple steps like these, you can behave in ways that at least will not fuel your difficulties—or anyone else’s.

Whatever your difficulties—a devastated heart, financial loss, feeling assaulted by the conflicts around you, or a seemingly hopeless illness—you can always remember that you are free in every moment to set the compass of your heart to your highest intentions. In fact, the two things that you are always free to do—despite your circumstances—are to be present and to be willing to love.

Adapted from A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path through Difficult Times by Jack Kornfield © 2011. Reprinted with permission of Sounds True.

Robert Althouse - Five Ways to Improve Communication

This article comes from the Good Men Project - it's an excellent collection of strategies designed to improve communication in relationships. Men are generally considered unskilled in this realm, which does not mean we are incapable of doing it, only that we have not been taught how to do it well. Fortunately, I see this changing in the younger men with whom I have contact.

~ Roshi Robert Althouse is a fully empowered Zen teacher in the White Plum lineage and a fully ordained Zen Buddhist Priest. Roshi and his wife, Rev. June Ryushin Tanoue, co-founded the Zen Life & Meditation Center.

Five Ways to Improve Communication

November 8, 2012 By Robert Althouse

Zen Master Robert Althouse offers communication tips that critique the myth of the American cowboy

A common mythology in American culture continues to be the myth of the cowboy–the rugged individual who goes it alone. Cowboys don’t need to know what they are feeling or needing, because they spend all their time identifying and exposing bad guys who need to either be killed or punished. Once you’ve completed the job, then you can ride triumphantly off into the sunset on your horse–alone.

So it may come as a shock to discover that this underlying myth is impairing your ability to communicate in a healthy and proactive way with others. And this diminished communication is reducing the amount of trust you could otherwise have with the people you work and live with every day.

There are skills you can learn to help you improve the quality of your communication with others. I’d like to give you a few suggestions about ways to begin doing this:

1. Learn how to Listen There is nothing more important than listening. And listening is not something we generally do very well. We are often distracted, or we are busy thinking of what we are going to say next, before the other person has finished speaking themselves. That means we really don’t hear what they’ve said at all. This kind of deep listening is something you can practice and improve. You get a chance to do this many times each day. Notice what a difference it can make in your relationships when you really listen to others sincerely and wholeheartedly.

2. Cultivate a Needs Awareness At the Zen Life and Meditation Center I operate (just outside Chicago), I teach a practice called “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC). NVC is a way of communicating more proactively with others. This happens as you develop an awareness of the importance of needs. And this seemingly simple step is revolutionary. Most likely, if you reflect on what you learned about needs growing up as a child, you learned some negative things about needs. You really shouldn’t have them because that was considered selfish. And if it was OK to have them, it probably wasn’t OK to speak about them openly. This negative bias in our culture regarding needs is a consequence of the unspoken cowboy mythology which still rules our lives.

Needs in NVC are understood as anything which supports your life. So they are basic and fundamental to living. We have many needs such as needs for shelter, clothing, food, understanding, to be heard, fairness and many more. And needs are at the heart of how you can begin communicating more proactively. Being aware of needs can help you shift from hanging on to judgments to a more empathic awareness, both for yourself and for others.

3. Stand Your Ground Healthy relationships arise when you are able to stand in your own experience without surrendering to a impulsive desire to please or be liked by others. When you don’t stand your ground, you cave in and fuse with the other, which means that you’ve gone missing in action. Standing your ground may mean you have to step outside your comfort zone and that knee-jerk reaction to please others. But when you learn how to do this, you’ll find that the quality and depth of your relationship with others improves.

4. Learn How to Ask for Help Who ever heard a cowboy ask for help? That would be beneath them. It would be ridiculous–a sign of weakness. So take a good look at this one. If you’ve taken on a task that you can’t complete for whatever reason, learn to ask for help. It requires some humility to do this. It requires being able to trust others. You might be surprised that often people are grateful to be asked, because you’ve placed your trust in them. You’ll giving them an opportunity express their generosity by working together with you on a common task.

5. Let Go of Your Agenda It’s hard to listen to another when you’re busy preparing and rehearsing what you’re going to say next before they’ve finished speaking. Enter into conversation in the spirit of learning something new from the other person. By letting go of your attachment to the outcome, you free yourself to open to the person. The space between you becomes respected. It’s a bridge that can carry you across to the other’s experience. You may be surprised at what you discover on the other side.

This post originally appeared on the Zen Life Blog.

Photo by puuikibeach

 

No Going Back - Every Step Is Forward

A little wisdom for the spiritual path . . . . Even steps that feel like going backward are taking us where we need to go. Sometimes we need to take the bigger perspective, to know that we are always already exactly where we need to be on our journeys.

No Going Back

Every Step Is Forward

Sometimes during our spiritual growth we can feel as if we are going backwards, rest assured you are not.
There are times when we feel that we are spinning our wheels in the mud in terms of our spiritual progress. This can be especially true following a period of major growth in which we feel as if we’ve gained a lot of ground. In fact, this is the way growth goes—periods of intense forward movement give way to periods of what seems like stagnation. In those moments when we feel discouraged, it’s helpful to remember that we don’t ever really go backward. It may be that we are at a standstill because there is a new obstacle in our paths, or a new layer to get through, but the hard work we have done cannot be undone.

Every step on the path is meaningful, and even one that seems to take us backward is a forward step in the sense that it is what we must do to move to the next level. In addition, an intense growth spurt requires that we rest for a time in order to fully integrate the new energies that have been liberated by our hard work. When we feel we are not making progress, we can encourage ourselves to take a moment to rest. We can meditate more, feed ourselves well, and get extra sleep. Before we know it, we will be spurred on to work toward the next level of our development, and this rest will make sense then as something we needed in order to continue.

Once the sun rises, it doesn’t go backward but instead follows its path in one direction. It may appear to stand still for a moment in time, or to move more slowly at some point or another, but really it is steadily moving forward on its path. We are the same way, and once we have moved through something we can never really go back. We may be resting or revisiting issues that seem old, and it’s natural to feel stuck, but in truth we are always taking the next important step forward on our path.

Michael Taylor - What Are The Benefits Of Meditation For Men?

Last Friday's conversation on A New Conversation with Men, hosted by Coach Michael Taylor, featured Peter Vroom talking about his "The Resolute Mind" meditation technique and "how it can support men in dealing with the multiplicity of challenges men deal with on a daily basis."

Listen to internet radio with Coach Michael Taylor on Blog Talk Radio

What Are The Benefits Of Meditation For Men?

by Coach Michael Taylor

Fri, March 23, 2012

Men are faced with unprecedented stresses and challenges today. Unfortunately, too many men turn to alcohol, drugs and sex to try to deal with this stress.

Join Coach Michael Taylor as he speaks with Peter Vroom about The Resolute Mind meditation technique and how it can support men in dealing with the multiplicity of challenges men deal with on a daily basis.

Peter Vroom has been studying Vedic Meditation since 2002 and was an assistant teacher with Limor Babai for many years. He ran many advanced knowledge courses and assisted many students to a greater understanding of the technique. After finishing his training with Thom Knoles in India and the US, Peter now runs his own centres in LA, Sydney and New York. 

Find him here: www.theresolutemind.com

Meditation is good - no matter what it's called or what lineage it's from. At the very least, just sit with good posture, breathe naturally with your belly, notice the breath move in and out, and repeat. Do this until you have been sitting for 5, 10, or 15 minutes. Evey time your mind wanders from the breath, notice "thinking" or "drifting," and gently bring attention back to the breath.


For a more in-depth instruction, see this article by Thanissaro Bhikkhu on Basic Breath Meditation Instructions.

Meditation helps inmates reach 'natural awareness'

This article appeared in the Houston Chronicle. There are more and more of these meditation programs for inmate being employed around the country - and in every instance that I have heard of the results have been very positive. Rehabilitation vs punishment - for these men, and many others like them, the choice seems obvious.

Meditation helps inmates reach 'natural awareness'

By ALLAN TURNER, HOUSTON CHRONICLE
Saturday, September 3, 2011

BEAUMONT - Hung. Or gyen yul gyi nub jang tsam. 

Barefooted, eyes closed in reverie, bodies folded into lotus position, the men in white chanted the ancient Seven Line Supplication to Guru Rinpoche, who brought Buddhism to Tibet in the eighth century.

As their voices swelled, their leader, Galveston artist Terry Conrad, swayed with the cadence. Pe ma gey sar dong pol la. Yam Tsen chog gi ngo drub nyey

This could have been a scene from a 1960's love-in, with college-age acolytes - decked out in exotic garb - paying fervid homage to the wisdom of the East. But these men were not students, and their attire was anything but exotic.

They are inmates at Beaumont's Mark Stiles state prison; their duds, functional prison whites. And, under Conrad's gentle guidance, they were here to meditate.

Now in its eighth year, the weekly program offered through the prison chaplain's office, is designed to help prisoners, some guilty of the most heinous offenses, achieve "natural awareness."

"Meditation," Conrad said, "is not about creating a certain state. It's just an opportunity to be present to whatever is going on. Sometimes that's quiet and peaceful, other times the mind is going 100 mph." Such awareness can help the individual "become who they truly are - innately good and wise and compassionate."

"How has this changed me?" said John Harrup, 39, of Magnolia, who has been part of the class since its inception. "I was a different person when I came in here. It has taught me to be more patient, how to deal with people. In laymen's terms, how to communicate better, how to understand another person's viewpoint, to realize that my way is not always the right way."

Read the whole article.