Male eXperience - 10 Powerful Blogs for Men to Learn and Grow From

My friend Graham Phoenix, who hosts the excellent Male eXperience blog, recently offered up a selection of ten blogs he recommends for men who want to grow and evolve. Kindly, he included The Masculine Heart among his ten selections, for which I extend my gratitude.

 It's a cool list that expands beyond purely male issues.

10 Powerful Blogs For Men To Learn and Grow By 

I constantly keep an eye out for other men blogging for men. I don’t often see anything that’s helpful or useful.

I realised that if I have problems finding good sites then I am sure men looking for help will almost find it impossible to find them.

Googling just brings up all the websites for men that skirt round any serious issues or focus on a narrow political point. The problem is that there are so many websites for men that it’s almost impossible to work out what’s useful.

I’ve complained before that what you find is either single issue sites, christian, gay, black, dating, MRA, feminist … commercial sites selling toys, watches, leather bags … or style sites for clothing, shaving …

♦◊♦

I started by wanting compile a list of 20 blogs, but I just couldn’t find them. So I opened out my view and realised that men are far more interested in life in general not just men’s issues.

I have, therefore compiled a list of 10 powerful blogs for men that look at all aspects of a man’s life. Ultimately the core issue in these sites is that they provide learning and growth for men.

Men read them , regularly, and feel their power.

Read the whole post.

No Going Back - Every Step Is Forward

A little wisdom for the spiritual path . . . . Even steps that feel like going backward are taking us where we need to go. Sometimes we need to take the bigger perspective, to know that we are always already exactly where we need to be on our journeys.

No Going Back

Every Step Is Forward

Sometimes during our spiritual growth we can feel as if we are going backwards, rest assured you are not.
There are times when we feel that we are spinning our wheels in the mud in terms of our spiritual progress. This can be especially true following a period of major growth in which we feel as if we’ve gained a lot of ground. In fact, this is the way growth goes—periods of intense forward movement give way to periods of what seems like stagnation. In those moments when we feel discouraged, it’s helpful to remember that we don’t ever really go backward. It may be that we are at a standstill because there is a new obstacle in our paths, or a new layer to get through, but the hard work we have done cannot be undone.

Every step on the path is meaningful, and even one that seems to take us backward is a forward step in the sense that it is what we must do to move to the next level. In addition, an intense growth spurt requires that we rest for a time in order to fully integrate the new energies that have been liberated by our hard work. When we feel we are not making progress, we can encourage ourselves to take a moment to rest. We can meditate more, feed ourselves well, and get extra sleep. Before we know it, we will be spurred on to work toward the next level of our development, and this rest will make sense then as something we needed in order to continue.

Once the sun rises, it doesn’t go backward but instead follows its path in one direction. It may appear to stand still for a moment in time, or to move more slowly at some point or another, but really it is steadily moving forward on its path. We are the same way, and once we have moved through something we can never really go back. We may be resting or revisiting issues that seem old, and it’s natural to feel stuck, but in truth we are always taking the next important step forward on our path.

Rick Hanson - Taking in the Good: A Personal Reflection

Rick Hanson, author of Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom and Just One Thing: Developing A Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time, is working on a new book. He sent out an email today asking for personal experiences on a specific topic. Interestingly enough, it was something that has been "up" for me the last couple of months.

First the email.

Hello,

I have a favor to ask. I'm heading into writing my next book, which is about the practice of taking in the good, and related themes of defeating the negativity bias, taking charge of building structure in your brain, and coming home to your natural resting state of happiness, love, and peace. It would help me a lot to get examples of how the method of taking in the good has helped people such as yourself. I need these as soon as possible, ideally over this weekend and by Tuesday at the latest. 

A sentence or brief paragraph would be great. Maybe with an example. I may use what you write in the book, though never with your name, and it's fine to leave out or alter identifying details. 

As you probably know, the three basic steps of taking in the good are:

1.  Let a good fact become a good experience.
2.  Open to and savor this experience for 10-30 seconds in a row.
3.  Intend and sense that the experience is sinking into you, becoming a part of you.

You can use this method for the good facts around you each day - most of which are relatively small, such as coffee smells good, you finished a batch of emails, flowers are blooming, someone was warm to you, etc. Most positive experiences are fairly mild, and that's fine. But mild or intense, they normally flow through the brain like water through a sieve while negative experiences get caught every time (which helped our ancestors survive). That's why it's so important, several times a day or more, to turn toward a positive experience and take it into you. And since "neurons that fire together, wire together," you'll be weaving positive feelings, sensations, and thoughts into the fabric of your brain and your self.  

Then there is the 4th, optional step, in which you're aware of a strong positive experience connecting with some negative material - such as a longing for love, feelings of anxiety, or some pain from childhood - that is dim and in the background of your mind. You don't let yourself get sucked into the negative material but keep the positive material relatively intense and in the forefront of awareness. With repetition, the positive material will gradually associate to, infuse, soothe, and even gradually replace the negative material. For more on all four steps, see chapters 2 and 50 in my book, Just One Thing.

So I'd really appreciate it if you could send me a few words about your own experience of taking in the good, especially how this method has helped you in some way. Informal and relaxed is fine; you don't have to worry about your writing. I really appreciate any help you can offer me with this.

Warmly,
Rick    

I assume this went out to the people who subscribe to Just One Thing, his newsletter, so it's not a personal email. But I did send him a response . . . although it was more than just a sentence or a paragraph. As usual, I was a bit verbose.

Here is my response, which I think offers some insight into the process Dr. Hanson is talking about, and also suggests that it's an ongoing process.

Hi Rick,

This is timely - I have been working with these ideas with my therapy clients (sexual trauma survivors) - but the fact that I am working with clients at all is where my experience of this comes in.

I have been self-employed as a fitness coach/trainer for several years, but I had not really "let it in" that my clients all seem to "love" me, for lack of a better word (or maybe that is the correct word). I initially became a personal trainer because I did not feel "good enough" to be a psychotherapist. Three years ago, however, I went back to school, partly as a result of personal work to build more self-efficacy and acceptance.

As I have transitioned into counseling (recently completing a 9-month internship), I received a good deal of feedback from clients (as they completed therapy) and supervisors that I was effective and that my clients were deeply appreciative.

I work to take their experience as fact, and also have worked over the last couple of months to take that in as my experience: I am effective and appreciated. It's always been challenging for me to accept praise or compliments of any kind, so I tried to sit with the emotions of feeling valued and effective in what I do (I have never let that in as a trainer, either, so this impacted my whole work life).

Over the past several weeks, I have continually tried to embody this sense of being valued and to integrate that into my self-concept at the intellectual, emotional, and somatic levels. Being valued is something I have never really felt, which has produced both a "pleaser" self and a "hyper-critical" self that I have worked with therapy and in meditation practice over the years.

Doing this process has brought up the old wounds of having never been acknowledged or appreciated by my family of origin. I did not value myself very highly, so I did not seek work that reflected my skills and abilities  (despite already having one post-graduate degree), and consequently I was always dissatisfied and bored in my work life. With time in therapy, I left some bad jobs and moved into being self-employed, but I still failed to see myself as valuable in the same ways as did my clients.

Now, having tried to use some of the techniques I have learned from your work, as well as from Richard Davidson, Pema Chodron, Kristin Neff, Dan Siegel, and many other sources, I am beginning to embody and live within a much different sense of self, with far less need to please others and much less self-criticism. It feels like I am only at the beginning stages of transformation, but the more room I make for self-worth and self-compassion, the more I know that I am reparenting myself (a la Dan Siegel's Mindsight model) and changing the way my brain is wired.

Thanks for offering space to share this!

I look forward to the new book.

All best,
Bill 

Secret Lives of Men - Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation with Dan Siegel

I have been posting material in support of Dan Siegel's work at my other blog (IOC) for several years, so I am glad to have a chance to post this interview with Siegel, conducted by Chris Blazina at the Secret Lives of Men podcast. Good stuff.

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation

by Secret Lives of Men

Tue, Jul 12, 2011

Dan Siegel (The Developing Brain, The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being, The Mindful Therapist, Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation) combines Western neuroscience with Eastern meditation in an exciting exploration of how a troubled mind can right itself. Drawing on current science and case studies, Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine, reinforces the idea that the power of reflection allows us to approach, rather than withdraw, from whatever life brings us. And learning to stay with a feeling, even a threatening one, is the beginning of discovering that this emotion is just a set of neural firings in our brain. But there is also enormous hope—that therapy, sometimes even without medication, can guide a patient through life. Siegel's method isn't a quick fix and doesn't sugarcoat reality: The mindful traits of serenity, courage and wisdom involve accepting our place in the order of things. He challenges his patients to a life of tough work and convincingly suggests it will be well worth the effort.

Listen to internet radio with Secret Lives of Men on Blog Talk Radio

Tags: psychology, spirituality, personal growth, self exploration, mindfulness, Secret Lives of Men, Mindsight, New Science, Personal Transformation, Dan Siegel, Chris Blazina, neuroscience, serenity, courage, wisdom, honesty, acceptance, exploration

Pema Chodron - Meditation Is about Accepting Ourselves as We Are

I have a client who meditates when she is struggling, then she wonders why it doesn't make her feel better. Instead, troubling feelings and thoughts, memories and fears arise and leave her feeling worse. She thinks meditation does not work, and I keep telling her it's working exactly as it should.

The difference in our perceptions comes in what we expect meditation to do for us and what we hope to get from meditation.

This brief bit of wisdom comes from Pema Chodron - it was posted at Tricycle Insights. This is quoted from Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion.

We Can Still Be Crazy

We may think meditation will improve us, but it’s really about accepting ourselves as we are right now.

Pema Chodron

When we start to meditate or to work with any kind of spiritual discipline, we often think that somehow we’re going to improve, which is a subtle aggression against who we really are. It’s a bit like saying, “If I jog, I’ll be a much better person.” “If I had a nicer house, I’d be a better person.” “If I could meditate and calm down, I’d be a better person.” Or the scenario may be that we find fault with others. We might say, “If it weren’t for my husband, I’d have a perfect marriage.” “If it weren’t for the fact that my boss and I can’t get on, my job would be just great.” And, “If it weren’t for my mind, my meditation would be excellent.”

But lovingkindness—maitri—toward ourselves doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy, we can still be angry. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already. The ground of practice is you or me or whoever we are right now, just as we are. That’s what we come to know with tremendous curiosity and interest.

Curiosity involves being gentle, precise, and open—actually being able to let go and open. Gentleness is a sense of goodheartedness toward ourselves. Precision is being able to see clearly, not being afraid to see what’s really there. Openness is being able to let go and to open. When you come to have this kind of honesty, gentleness, and goodheartedness, combined with clarity about yourself, there’s no obstacle to feeling lovingkindness for others as well. ▼

From Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion by Pema Chodron. © 2002 by Pema Chodron and Emily Hilburn. Reprinted with permission of Shambhala Publications, Inc., www.shambhala.com

Tags: Comfortable with Uncertainty, 108 Teachings, Cultivating Fearlessness, Compassion, Pema Chodron, Tricycle, meditation, personal growth, self exploration, self compassion, lovingkindness, maitri, unworthiness

The Way of the Evolutionary Man

Craig Hamilton, Founder of the Academy for Evolutionaries, has organized a free online seminar featuring mostly his "integral movement" buddies and Robert Augustus Masters, who has been recently adopted by the integral mainstream after years of being ignored.

This has already happened, but I suspect you can still register and download the audio for each session. Register here.

By the way, I find it interesting that this was planned to occur during the same week as The Ultimate Men's Summit, where a couple of these speakers also have been included.

Most of the names here are familiar to the integral community, with the headliner being Ken Wilber himself. I have to say, however, I was disappointed in his contribution. It was mostly a rehashing of the gender stuff from SES, much of which I do not buy into. Oh yeah, and I still remain baffled at the inclusion of Warren Farrell as an integral thinker - he is so not that.

I do want to add a kudos for having Chris Kyle as the facilitator - he's a good guy and a good discussion leader.

The Way of the Evolutionary Man

A Free Online Teleseminar Series For Men Who Want To Consciously Evolve Themselves And Our World

Join ten of today’s leading evolutionary teachers and thought leaders in exploring what it means to be an “Evolutionary Man” -- with heart and spine -- at this critical time in history.

Their question to men today: How do we cultivate our unique gifts and abilities as men, to help awaken and evolve our world?

We can feel it: the world is changing, and it’s calling us. Every day we feel a stronger impulse to participate in this change, to contribute to it and guide it. We feel the call to give our fullest presence and power to this great project of evolution. And yet it sometimes seems the world doesn’t really want our help.

Especially in the climate of the last few decades, where patriarchy has been pointed to as the cause of all of the ills of the world, masculinity itself has often seemed under attack.

It’s no wonder that many men feel ambivalent, embarrassed or even a bit ashamed by our sex.

Our old macho identities no longer fit. We have been freed from being John Wayne, and few of us want to return to outmoded archaic expressions of masculinity.

But in progressive culture, we haven’t yet seen many good alternatives. The often parodied “sensitive new-age guy” feels more like a retreat from masculinity than a step forward.

But a new kind of man is emerging from within...

Neither patriarchs nor wimps, we are committed to bringing our authentic gifts into the world without apology and learning to embrace our deeper masculinity without reserve. We are striving to meet today’s great challenge: to forge in our consciousness a new kind of man liberated from the old archetypes and new roles alike to participate consciously in our own evolution and the evolution of humanity. We are Evolutionary Men.

And we’re in uncharted territory -- often with little to guide us.

To generate conversation and inquiry around these important questions, we have brought together some of the world’s leading evolutionary men for a week-long summit on the unique challenges that we are presented with at this moment in time, as we bring forth something that has never existed before: The Way of the Evolutionary Man.

This series will be a space to engage the most pressing questions facing men who want to unleash their evolutionary energies and join in the creation of a better world.

Whether you know yourself to be an Evolutionary Man already, or can only dimly hear his call on the edge of your consciousness, we’ve created this Summit for you.

Join Us for This Groundbreaking Discussion

WHAT YOU’LL LEARN

• How do we express a genuine masculinity without becoming dominating or controlling?
• What is the significance of our role in helping to awaken and evolve the world?
• How do we skillfully bring our vulnerability and our strength together?
• What's the relationship between our own inner transformation and our power to change the world?
• How can we find and practice with other evolutionary men to create space that supports our deepest growth?
• What do evolved intimate relationships look like?

Participation Is FREE

There is no cost to participate in this live, interactive event. Thanks to our generous sponsors, and to all the luminaries who have volunteered their time, we are able to offer this event freely to the public. All you need to participate is a telephone or computer.

Sign up today and you'll also receive a free subscription to the Evolving Wisdom newsletter. There is no charge for this, and you can cancel with a keystroke anytime.

Enter your first name and email address in the box below, and we'll send you the access details for this ground-breaking series.

The Way of the Evolutionary Man Speakers

Ken Wilber: Ken Wilber is the most widely translated academic writer in America, with 25 books translated into some 30 foreign languages and is the first philosopher-psychologist to have his Collected Works published in his own lifetime. Credited with developing a unified field theory of consciousness—a synthesis and interpretation of the world's great psychological, philosophical, and spiritual traditions—Ken Wilber is the most cogent and penetrating voice in the emergence of a uniquely American wisdom. He is widely regarded as the preeminent scholar of Integral theory, which continues to gather momentum around the world.

Neale Donald Walsch: Neale Donald Walsch is considered a modern day spiritual messenger by millions of people around the world. After working most of his life in communications, Walsch, in the early 1990s, lost his health, his job and his marriage. Homeless at age 49, he relied on the kindness of people he met on the street. He subsequently wrote the nine-book, bestselling Conversations with God series which gained him a worldwide following. The books have sold more than 7.5 million copies globally and been translated into 37 languages.

Terry Patten:Terry Patten is a leading voice in the emerging fields of integral evolutionary leadership and spirituality. In his cutting-edge writings, talks and teaching, he not only inspires transcendental awakening, love and freedom, but calls us to accept and incarnate our full humanity. In his current work, he is helping to articulate an authentic spirituality that illuminates the vital relationship between sincere care, discriminative intelligence, personal responsibility and spiritual awakening. Terry is a coach, consultant, teacher, and host of the popular online series, Beyond Awakening. He author of four books, including (with Ken Wilber) Integral Life Practice: A 21st-Century Blueprint for Physical Health, Emotional Balance, Mental Clarity, and Spiritual Awakening.

Warren Farrell: Dr. Warren Farrell has been chosen by the Financial Times as one of the world's top 100 thought leaders. His books are published in over 50 countries, and in 15 languages. They include two award-winning international best-sellers, Why Men Are The Way They Are and The Myth of Male Power. A book on couples communication, Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say, was a selection of the Book-of-the Month Club. His book, Father and Child Reunion, has inspired many dads to be more involved with their children. Why Men Earn More: The Startling Truth Behind the Pay Gap--and What Women Can Do About It was chosen by U.S. News and World Report in 2006 as one of the top four books on careers.

Bill Kauth: Bill Kauth was working as a psychotherapist and business consultant in 1984 when he conceived and co-founded the New Warrior Training Adventure. It has now served nearly 50,000 men through The ManKind Project with 40 centers in 8 countries around the world. In 1992 St. Martin’s Press published his book A Circle of Men: The Original Manual for Men’s Support Groups. As a social inventor over the last two decades, Bill also co-founded the Spiritual Warrior, Inner King Training and in 1995 launched the Warrior-Monk Training Retreat.

Carter Phipps: Carter Phipps is the executive editor of EnlightenNext magazine. In his ten years with the magazine, he has been responsible for some of its most in-depth investigative features, including the "The Real Evolution Debate," a spiritual and scientific analysis of evolutionary worldviews. Phipps has also helped to forge the magazine's reputation as the premier popular publication espousing the ideas of integral philosophy through his feature articles on the work of Ken Wilber ("A Philosopher of Everything") and on Steve McIntosh ("Integral Politics Comes of Age").

Thomas Hubl: Thomas Hübl is a contemporary spiritual teacher of uncompromising clarity, which brings the enlightened potential of a new "Culture of WE" into the light. His workshops and trainings invite people to experience a deeper dimension of self-awareness and individual responsibility. Radical transcendence of ego opens the door to deeply authentic expression, service to the world and stable relationship with the absolute. Experiencing a driving inspiration to evolve, people give their gifts to the world in concrete ways. He founded the Academy of Inner Science whose programs teach not only on personal transcendence, but also active responses to the postmodern challenges of the human condition.

Michael Dowd: Michael Dowd is the author of the bestselling book, Thank God for Evolution: How the Marriage of Science and Religion Will Transform Your Life and Our World , which has been endorsed by numerous Nobel laureates and science luminaries, including noted skeptics, and by religious leaders across the spectrum. He and his wife, Connie Barlow, an acclaimed science writer, have spoken to more than a thousand groups since launching their itinerant evolutionary ministry in 2002. At home in both liberal and conservative settings, and uniquely gifted at building bridges between religious and non-religious people, Michael shares the Epic of Evolution, our common creation story, in ways that uplift and expand heart, mind, and soul.

Robert Augustus Masters: Robert Augustus Masters, Ph.D., is the author of 11 books (including Transformation Through Intimacy and Spiritual Bypassing), as well as a teacher of spiritual deepening and a highly experienced psychotherapist and bodyworker (and trainer of psychotherapists) with a doctorate in Psychology. His uniquely integral, intuitive work (developed over the past 32 years) dynamically blends the psychological and physical with the spiritual, emphasizing full-blooded embodiment, authenticity, emotional openness and literacy, deep shadow work, and the development of relational maturity.

About Your Host

Integral Enlightenment founder Craig Hamilton is a pioneer in the emerging field of evolutionary spirituality. In his inspired writings, talks, and teachings, he calls us to awaken beyond the confines of the separate ego and dedicate our lives to the further evolution of consciousness itself.

Craig is a founding member of Ken Wilber’s Integral Institute, a member of Deepak Chopra’s Evolutionary Leaders Forum, and was a participant in the Synthesis Dialogues, a 35-person interdisciplinary think tank presided over by His Holiness the Dalai Lama. His celebrated conversations with other luminaries form the basis of the acclaimed webinar series’, “The Great Integral Awakening: Pioneering A New Spiritual Path,” and “Awakening the Impulse to Evolve: The Birth of Evolutionary Spirituality.” He has also been a contributor to Shift magazine and co-authored IONS’ 2008 Shift Report.

About Your Facilitator

Chris Kyle will be leading the LIVE "Evolutionary Cafe" interactive sessions at the end of each evening to discuss the key insights from each speaker as well as lead individual and group practices to further integrate the lessons learned.

Chris is a speaker, coach, trainer and the Director of Men’s Programs at Evolving Wisdom. He is also the co-founder of The Global Men’s Network, a non-profit organization committed to connecting men to the answers, support and solutions they need to lead deeply meaningful lives that make a positive difference in the world. Chris is also an expert facilitator of large and small groups and has been leading personal development workshops for over 14 years including with The ManKind Project® where he is a certified Co-Leader.

Tags: The Way of the Evolutionary Man, Online, Teleseminar, men, masculinities, personal growth, self exploration, integral theory, Neale Donald Walsch, Ken Wilber, Terry Patten, Carter Phipps, Thomas Hubl, Bill Kauth, Michael Dowd, Robert Augustus Masters, Warren Farrell, Craig Hamilton, Chris Kyle, heart, spine, new man, Evolutionary Men

Taking Action vs. Not Taking Action

The Daily Om posted these two columns two days apart, but they really seem to be go together - they look at two sides of the same issue. We can either take action and see what happens when we engage our vision for what we want from our lives - or we can do nothing (out of fear, laziness, or whatever) and know that even doing nothing has an impact on the world, on our lives.

So what do you want to do with your life?

The Laboratory of Life
Take Action

Having a vision of what we want in life is important to our efforts of getting what we want, but we also must take action.
There is a popular misconception that we might be able to just wish our dreams into being. Maybe on some other level of consciousness this is the case, but here on earth what we need to do is take action in our lives. Vision is an important companion to our efforts, but it can’t accomplish anything all by itself. When we focus on what we want and ask for what we want, we are initiating a conversation with the universe. Our desires, passionately defined and expressed, bring about valuable and relevant opportunities, which we then respond to by either taking or leaving them.

Many of us are afraid to step out into the world and make things happen, and so we hang back, dreaming and waiting and watching. There are times in life when this is the right thing to do, but this phase of inaction must eventually give way to its opposite if we are to build our dreams into a reality. This can be really scary, and we may fail and struggle, but that’s okay because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Waiting for everything to be perfect before we act, or waiting for what we want to be handed to us, leaves us waiting forever. No one expects us to be perfect, so the best thing we can do for ourselves is to get out there and take action on our dreams.

One of the hardest parts about having a vision is that when we test it in the laboratory of life, it often comes out looking completely different than what we had in mind or, worse, it doesn’t come out at all. If you read the life stories of people who have brought their dreams into reality, you will hear many stories about this experience. But you will also hear about hard work, taking action, perseverance, and, finally, the successful birthing of a dream.

* * * * * *

The Effect of Not Doing
When We Don’t Take Action

Every action taken affects the whole as greatly as every action NOT taken.
Life is sculpted on a moment-to-moment basis. Every one of the thoughts we think, the words we speak, and the actions we take contributes to the complex quality and character of the universe’s unfolding. It simply is not possible to be alive without making an impact on the world that surrounds us. Every action taken affects the whole as greatly as every action not taken. And when it comes to making the world a better place, what we choose not to do can be just as important as what we choose to do.

For example, when we neglect to recycle, speak up, vote, or help somebody in immediate need, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to be an agent for positive change. Instead, we are enabling a particular course to continue unchallenged, picking up speed even as it goes along. By holding the belief that our actions don’t make much of a difference, we may find that we often tend to forego opportunities for involvement. Alternatively, if we see ourselves as important participants in an ever-evolving world, we may feel more inspired to contribute our unique perspective and gifts to a situation.

It is wise to be somewhat selective about how and where we are using our energy in order to keep ourselves from becoming scattered. Not every cause or action is appropriate for every person. When a situation catches our attention, however, and speaks to our heart, it is important that we honor our impulse to help and take the action that feels right for us. It may be offering a kind word to a friend, giving resources to people in need, or just taking responsibility for our own behavior. By doing what we can, when we can, we add positive energy to our world. And sometimes, it may be our one contribution that makes all the difference.

Tags: personal growth, self exploration, psychology, motivation, Daily Om, Effect, Not Doing, When We Don’t Take Action, Laboratory of Life, Take Action, action, passive, vision

Rick Hanson - Who's Behind YOUR Mask?

We all have multiple selves and multiple masks that we wear in the world (father, son, brother, employee, coach, teacher, friend, mentor, employer, teammate, and on and on). Hanson talks in the singular here, but we are multiple (in a good way) and so we have many masks/roles we wear - and hide behind.

But how often do we reveal the person behind those masks, the true selves we inhabit, often without awareness? How often do we even reveal to ourselves the people behind our masks?

How often do you allow yourself to be seen, let others know who you are? Do you reveal the parts we are often afraid to let others see? How often do you truly see others and not only the mask or your expectation of who that person is?

Who's Behind YOUR Mask?

Rick Hanson, Ph.D. - Neuropsychologist and author, 'Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom

Posted: March 24, 2011 08:54 AM

Most of us wear a kind of mask -- a persona that hides our deepest thoughts and feelings and presents a polished, controlled face to the world.

To be sure, a persona is a good thing to have. For example, meetings at work, holidays with the in-laws and first dates are usually not the best times to spill your guts. Just because you're selective about what you reveal to the world does not mean you're insincere. Phoniness is only when we lie about what's really going on inside.

Much of the time, we interact mask-to-mask with other people. There's a place for that. But remember times when someone saw through your mask to see the real you, the person back behind your eyes? If you're like me, those times were both unnerving and wonderful.

Even though it's scary, everyone longs to be seen, to be known. You long to have your hopes and fears acknowledged -- the ones behind a polite smile or a frown of frustration. You long to have your true caring seen, as well as your positive intentions and natural goodness. Most intimately of all, you long to feel that your innermost being -- the one to whom things happen, the one strapped to this rollercoaster of a life, trying to make sense of it before it ends -- has been recognized by someone.

This goes both ways. Others long to be seen by you. Besides the ways that seeing the person behind the eyes benefits others, it's good for you, too. Being seen is often the real stake on the table, the top priority, more important to other people than whether you agree with them about something. When someone gets that sense from you -- that he or she exists for you as a person, not just as a pain in the neck or as someone with whom to get through this meeting, dinner, bedtime routine, phone call or sexual experience -- then it's much easier to take care of the matter at hand, whatever it is.

Sensing the deepest layers in people can nourish you in other ways, too. For example, I had a relative with a big heart but a difficult personality who drove me a little crazy. Finally, I started to imagine that being with her was like looking at a bonfire through a lattice covered with thorny vines. I focused on the love shining through and warming my own heart, and didn't get caught up in the vines. That helped both of us a lot.

This week, with different people, get a sense of the person behind the eyes. It's not a staring contest; it can actually help to look away, so you're not distracted by surface details. (While I'm using the word "see," of course you are also hearing the person behind the words and sensing the person embedded in the body sitting across from you.)

Take a moment to relax and set aside your case about the other person, and open to the being down in there somewhere, maybe rattled and defensive and acting in ways that are problematic, but really just yearning for happiness and some way to move forward in life.

You could also sense your own innermost being, and then imagine that core -- that sense of being alive, the recipient of experiences, the one for whom life is hard sometimes -- inside the other person.

Let that recognition of the person over there show in your face, in your own eyes. Be brave and let them see you seeing them.

Notice how this recognition changes the course of an interaction -- perhaps softening it, making it more authentic, leading to a good resolution more gently and quickly.

As an advanced practice, you could even raise the subject with someone of the degree to which you feel seen (or not) as persons by each other. That kind of conversation can transform a relationship.

Lastly, enjoy being a person yourself, the channel through which your life streams, with some of the richest streaming being the other persons all around you.

***

Just One Thing (JOT) is the free newsletter by Rick Hanson that suggests a simple practice each week that will bring you more joy, more fulfilling relationships, and more peace of mind. If you wish, you can subscribe to Just One Thing here.

Tags: psychology, masks, self exploration, personal growth, Rick Hanson, Who's Behind YOUR Mask, Huffington Post, persona, selves, roles, authenticity, being seen, be yourself, inner self, inner selves

Graham Phoenix - A 40 Day Challenge For Men

It's Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the 40 day cycle (known as Lent) leading to Easter Sunday in the Catholic tradition, often a time of purging and renewal (give up anything for Lent this year?) - a personal version of the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert before he began to teach (the separation period is crucial in most myths of this nature).

Graham Phoenix of the Male eXperience blog is offering us a 40-day challenge to explore and expand our potential as men.

A 40 Day Challenge For Men (Day 1)

“Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.”
(General George Patton)

I believe that men grow strong through challenge. I believe that we come to know ourselves through challenge.

A Cycle of 40 Days

Over the next 40 days ‘Male eXperience’ will host a time of challenge for me and for you. This is the first day of a ‘Cycle of 40 Days‘, a time of growth and renewal, a time of challenge that we can see through, as men, and come out of victorious.

Men, join me and use this period as a time to question, a time leading to re-awakening.

Each day from today to Easter Sunday I will set a challenge, it might emotional, it might be physical, or it might be about how we see ourselves and our life. I invite you to join me in accepting it and using it to look at your life, to look at yourself.

This will be a path of discovery, a path to find your essence, deep inside you.

Lent

Starting today, Ash Wednesday, is the time of Lent, the time of preparation for Easter. This is a great time to face challenge. Just Spring is a time of new growth, Lent is a time of new awareness.

Lent echoes the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert before he started his ministry. He was tested there, he was offered the opportunity of an easy way out. He rejected each possibility.

When Jesus entered the desert, he left behind all the expectations of others, all the hopes, all the illusions. He was just himself, alone with his own hopes and illusions, and in solitude demons came to test him. He won through these tests but only after going through a challenging 40 days and 40 nights.

Can we go through this period? Can we survive these tests? Can we remain strong to who we are? Can we win through the challenges?

Loving Yourself

A recent post, ‘10 Ways A Man Can Love A Woman‘, has been popular with both men and women, who enjoyed my take on how men can love. The critical point in the post is the first:

Start by loving yourself

This is not being selfish. If you are unable to love yourself you are unable to love someone else.

This is something men, particularly, have trouble with. They might respect themselves, think they’re absolutely amazing, but loving themselves, that’s a bit sissy.

This is an issue that men face, but often don’t realise they do. They want to know how to love, how to have a relationship but they miss the essentials of understanding themselves.

This is the first challenge. Do you love yourself? Can you love yourself?

If you do then write down all the ways you love yourself. Write down all the things you love about yourself.

You can be honest, no-one else is going to read this.

If you don’t, or you aren’t sure, write down all the parts of yourself that get in the way. What is it you aren’t sure of? What don’t you like? Can you let go of these? What would it take to love yourself?

Action

As men we face challenges, challenges to our sense of ourselves as men, challenges through people’s view of us as men. We face these by getting to know ourselves as men, accepting who we are and living authentically.

Join me in this cycle. Take this opportunity to look at yourself and your life. Discover who you are. Prepare yourself for re-awakening.

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”
(Bernice Johnson Reagon)

Tomorrow we will face Awareness…

Tags: men, personal growth, self exploration, spirituality, psychology, Graham Phoenix, A 40 Day Challenge For Men, Male eXperience, Lent, self, loving yourself, Jesus, challenges, temptations, purification