From Cracked, this is a humorous but honest examination of what it is like to be male and short. As a tall guy (I have been just over six feet tall since I was 12-13 years old), I have seen the differences in how I was treated in comparison to shorter friends, especially when I was in the bar scene as a young man.

In this piece Gladstone identifies 6 things he has had to deal with as man who is 5' 6" tall: (6) being accused of lying about his height, (5) shorter men go from boy to old man pretty suddenly, (4) you can't stand too close to tall people, (3) height has no correlation to penis size, (2) some women will act as though you are invisible, and (1) if you are assertive, you must have a "Napoleon complex."

6 Ways Life Is Different If You're Short and Male

By Gladstone | March 09, 2014

I'm 5 feet 6 inches tall. I know, I know. It's shocking; I write like a man who's at least 5-foot-10, but there it is. I'm 5 feet 6 inches.

I've been 5 feet 6 inches since I was 18, which came as a bit of a shock, because I was hoping to keep growing. I even put 5 feet 7 inches on my license thinking I'd grow into it. But I didn't. I guess I could have gone back to the DMV when I was 22 and said "Please change this," but I didn't. So yeah, don't believe everything you read. I'm 5 feet 6 inches. Well, you can believe that, because, as I said, I'm 5 feet 6 inches. Even when I was 18 I said 5 feet 6 inches and then explained about how licenses last for four years so I was estimating. I was a cool kid. Five feet 6 inches.


George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Wait. How tall?"
Anyway, having been this height for quite some time, I've learned a few things I'd like to share with you, and here they are: 6 Things No One Tells You About Being a Short Guy.

#6. People Will Accuse You of Lying About Your Height

Yes, some short guys lie about their height. It's true. But y'know what? That's not just a short guy thing. Guys lie about their height. Back me up here, ladies. Isn't every dude on eHarmony who is shorter than 6 feet magically 5 feet 10 inches? Also how many of those 6-foot guys are actually 5 feet 11 inches? Lots.

And yeah, Prince, Michael J. Fox, and Tom Cruise are all actually 4 feet 11 inches despite what it says in their online bios, but that's not the point. Not all short guys lie about their height, and not all height lying is confined to short guys.


Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Actual size.

So yeah, I'm 5 feet 6 inches. I just told you. All of you. And it's the truth. Don't believe me? Well, I guess I can't do anything about that. Never mind. I don't get paid to disprove you anyway. I have nothing more to add. This was really more of a bonus point for the article. Moving on.

#5. You Go From Boy to Little Old Man

I have no idea why people equate height with age, since most of us stop growing by 18, but they do. When I was 30, people thought I was 22. Yes, I had washboard abs; yes, my skin was smooth and beautiful, like a perfectly crafted Michelangelo sculpture; yes, my hair flowed smoothly with Adonis-like grace, but I don't think that was it. I think it was because I'm short. For some reason, people always think short guys are younger, as if you're still developing.


Keystone/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Even in his 30s, Dustin Hoffman was often carded while attempting to buy beer.
But here's the thing. One day, overnight, you're suddenly no longer mistaken for a teen. You've instantly become a little old man. Right now, I'm existing in that tiny grace moment between the two, clutching desperately to the former while slipping into the abyss, knowing one morning I will wake up and be this:


This photo of Dustin Hoffman was taken only one week after the one above.

#4. You Can't Stand Too Close to Tall People

So you're walking around being short and it's no big deal. I mean, you've got a great center of gravity, and when you're 16 and somewhat broad, all the high school wrestling coaches bug you to try out because you'll kick ass in your weight class. You forget about it. But then you come in contact with the freakishly tall. That's fine, right? I mean, it would be just as weird and wrong to ostracize giants as it would be to mock short dudes.

But here's the thing: You just cannot stand next to them. It's the worst. Here's me and DOB with Michael Swaim many years ago. See?


Swaim is not standing on anything.
When a short guy stands next to a freakishly tall guy, he is no longer a short guy. Hell, he's not even a guy anymore. He becomes some sort of halfling. A mythical creature devoid of testosterone or the right to be loved. We have no choice. We just have to avoid it. Watch The Daily Show when my hero, Jon Stewart, has a tall guest. He actually takes a step back to create distance and lets his guest sit before he does. I don't blame him. I do the same thing in real life. (By the way, he's my hero for being smart, funny, and eloquent, not because we're next to each other on a Judaic comedic height/weight chart.)


Don't be alarmed. The Daily Show also takes place in real life.

#3. The Shoe Jokes End When People Start Having Sex

So there are certain rumors about penises. One of them is that you can tell the size of a man's junk by his shoe size. Kids really dig that rumor, and that's too bad for the short guy, because most short guys don't have disproportionally huge feet. But here's some good news for the short guy: This rumor totally dies by the time people start having sex, and, y'know, seeing penises.

And that makes sense, because once the sexual experience kicks in, folks find plenty of tall guys not packing and lots of small guys who are fully equipped. People worship Kurt Vonnegut for his prose and philosophy, but for me, this passage from Slaughterhouse Five always held the most truth and beauty:

"Montana was naked, and so was Billy, of course. He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who'll get one."

Truly beautiful. Now, I'm in no way implying that simply because the shoe rumor is a fallacy that the opposite is true. There is no implication here that I'm walking around with a circus penis. I'm just saying that by the time people get some sexual experience, they realize that the rumor equating shoe and penis size is a lie.


The rumor about noses, however, is totally accurate.

#2. You're Invisible to Certain Women

So here's a bit of a downer: If you're a short dude, you will sort of disappear -- at least to certain women. Now, I want to be clear about what I mean here. Everyone, male or female, has types and preferences. That's only normal. I'm not saying that some women find being short an unattractive quality. I'm saying that, for certain women, if you're under, say, 5 feet 9 inches, you might as well be under 1 feet 9 inches, because they simply won't see you.


George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Here's me in the bar from the perspective of such a woman.
We've all strutted by someone with the hope of catching their eye, and we've all failed upon occasion, but what I'm talking about is failing to even register. You are a ghost. And not the sexy Patrick Swayze kind that makes out with Demi Moore while throwing clay. More like Seth Green if he were dead.


Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty
Pretend I have the Photoshop skills to make Seth transparent.

#1. If You're Assertive, You'll Be Accused of Having a Napoleon Complex

This is the one that really pisses me off. My oldest brother is 5 feet 10 inches, my middle brother is 5 feet 8 inches, and, as I said, I'm 5 feet 6 inches. We were all raised with certain things drilled into us. Stand up straight; don't put your head down; and if someone hits you, hit them back. Those were the big lessons of our youth. They were true for all of us regardless of our respective heights.

When there was a problem at school, my parents insisted that we address things with our teachers ourselves before they became involved. While other parents would send off their kids to sleep-away camps in pairs with their best friend or write letters to principals to make sure certain children were in their kid's class, my parents didn't do any of that. They trusted that we would deal with whatever experiences came. We were also told we could say anything to an adult that we'd say to our friends (as long as we weren't rude or "fresh").

When I think of all the lessons of our youth, it's pretty clear that we were raised to be assertive, self-reliant men, and I think we've all done our best to live up to that standard. And that's true for my oldest brother who's pushing 6 feet and me, who could share a wardrobe with Al Pacino.


Timothy Hiatt/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Ooh, I'll take that black velvet scarf, please!
But even though I'm just being the kind of man I was raised to be, suddenly all of my motivations are questioned. Suddenly I'm compensating, or I have that dreaded Napoleon complex. Are there short men who are angry, who go around barking to command respect? Sure there are, but my parents raised me to be an assertive man when I was still a little boy of unknown potential height. Saying that every opinionated short guy has a Napoleon complex is like saying that every Cracked columnist has a small penis. Sure, it's true most of the time, but look at Kristi Harrison!

It's just a drag to think that you have to suppress your opinions for fear of having them attributed to something beyond your control. It's no different from a Jew feeling that he has to tip extra well to avoid the stigma of being cheap or a black guy refraining from eating fried chicken to avoid that stereotype. I'm not sure if heightism is a thing, but that certainly feels like it. So when I tell you you're wrong and I have a better idea, just understand that it's because I'm smarter than you and I'm an asshole. Not because I'm short.

* * * * *

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5 Sketchy Facts You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day . . . Because, You Know, Tomorrow Is Valentine's Day and Stuff

Via Cracked, where I often learn stuff I did not know, and then wish I had left well enough alone.

5 Sketchy Facts You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day

By Brendan McGinley | February 13, 2014

Good news! For yet another year, I am prepared to rock Valentine's Day like a hammock in a hurricane. I would share my schemes for the 14th so you can copy them as your own, but you'd have a difficult time even finding a blue garnet, let alone infiltrating the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue release party. But even though only one of us is going to have sex in space this year, that doesn't mean you have to sit home alone cursing the holiday.

Some folks hate Valentine's Day because it reminds them that they're alone, others because they have to make an effort. The solution is for the latter group to outsource their relationships to the lonely folks. But that's a lot of paperwork, so until the spreadsheet is complete, take heart: This entire holiday is a sham.

And I don't mean in the "excuse to sell greeting cards and candy" way. I mean that a historical examination reveals Valentine's Day to be so screwy, it's amazing people even bother falling in love these days. And I think it's all a big conspiracy.

Here's the twisted story of everything Valentine's Day isn't.

#5. It's Based on Pure Legend

Valentine's Day celebrates the idea that true love finds us, and that idea shines in our hearts even amid our modern V-Day celebration of expensive dinners, cheap lingerie, and acrid candy that can only be legally called chocolate in America.


I'm looking at you, Whitman, you alkaline devils. But I'm not tasting you. I can't be hurt like that again.
That idea is based on the story of St. Valentine of Rome, a priest who married couples against the emperor's orders, because married men couldn't be drafted. That was at odds with Emperor Claudius Gothicus' plans to build an army of unfeeling terminators. That's right, there was a brief time when love was against the law and the ultimate crime was to follow your heart. Valentine put it all on the line to win, even winning the heart of his jailer's daughter ...


The third century was very 1980s in that love was a battlefield.
... and was executed. But victory was his, for true love never dies!

The reality is that Valentine appears to have been executed for much more traditional "pagan vs. Christian" theological debate reasons after neither he nor the emperor could convert the other. The ban on Roman soldiers getting hitched never actually occurred, and for good reason: Marriage benefited both Rome and the Legion. It'd cause less uproar to change the rules to draft married men than to ban them.

However, if you want to hate Claudius, there's his much more real, much more damnable statement that his army "had captured so many women that each victorious soldier could take two or three women each."


War: Making monsters of everyone since 200,000 B.C.
Well, great. Only one entry in and we're already looking at this month's most callous fiend on Cracked unless E. Reid Ross writes an Albert Fish retrospective.

#4. Nobody Knows Which Valentine the Holiday Honors

Legend or no, St. Valentine of Hallmark shares billing with two other Sts. Valentine today, neither of whom had anything to do with love (and, thankfully, nothing to do with pillage).

Our Valentine may actually be the same guy as one of them: Valentine of Terni, a bishop who (probably?) died at the same time in (definitely) the same place. The records are muddled, and we know next to nothing about either martyr. The Roman Empire was a mess at that time, and an outlaw religion necessarily had to avoid keeping records. But that was 1,700 years ago, when Rome was still a corrupt bureaucracy in the thrall of a few vicious thugs looking to shift public ire to outsiders.


Italy is home to one of the world's oldest cultures, and maybe one day will stop living in it.
There are 14 Saints Valentin or Valentine (plus one Valentinian who doesn't count because I said so), three of whom died on February 14. That means 2 out of 14 Valentines are celebrated on 2/14, which has a 21.4 percent mortality rate for Valentines. Now, I don't know much about math, but I know a lot about conspiracy theory ramblings, where visually similar numbers indicate a clear plot by the Jewish reptoid freemasons who run the Vatican. If your name is Valentino, or Val, or even just Hart, I recommend you stay inside that day.

I mean, you were probably going to anyway, just to avoid everyone's terrible jokes, but don't answer the door if any Romans or lions ring the bell.


That was a joke. Never turn down a lion fight. What do you want, to live long enough to die of renal failure with no exciting stories?
Whether or not these two are the same person, neither one died to see love thrive, and they're sharing real estate with a third Valentine, who's the patron saint of nothing except dying unknown.


And the Duke of Milan had JUST pardoned him, poor, unlucky bastard.
So far, February 14 has as much in common with romance as my left hand, which is to say: all the feeling, none of the meaning, and with a serving of depression. Although both the holiday and my hand are connected to three dead foreigners who can no longer be identified. Interesting? Highly. Seductive? Only if you're E. Reid Ross.

#3. The Romance Angle Is Relatively New

You know who agrees with me that so far this has been a thoroughly unsexy holiday comprised of aught but state-sanctioned crimes against humanity? A millennium of Western civilization. For roughly 1,000 years after the martyrdom of St. Valentine, this was just another holy remembrance day -- probably a day to reflect on all the things we've done wrong and maybe eat some cheese, which is the only hobby Europe had in those days besides war and playing the hurdy-gurdy.

It's only in the second half of the 14th century (see? CONSPIRACY!) that the print record finally shows shades of seduction. In the medieval Adam Sandler movies that are the works of Geoffrey Chaucer, Valentine's Day had become the romantic subplot. In "Parlement of Foules," he lays a pretty sexy scene: naked love goddesses, birds peacocking their way to sex-victory, and Nature herself "pricking [them] to sweet pain." That's a whole lot of fetishes compressed into a single phrase, but Chaucer was a poet.


You don't want to read his erotic couplets about red-hot pokers.
So yeah, St. Valentine's Day has been a romantic holiday (possibly thanks to Chaucer) since the 14th century, but that's only about half as long as it was a time for personal reflection. And even after the switch, you know that England probably spent another 300 years baking sexy desserts like a sheep stomach wrapped around boiled fish heads.

The other half of the poem is about a Roman general pondering his own immortality before he commits genocide. Eroticism!

#2. It Doesn't Exist Anymore

Still confused by all those Valentines running around Imperial Crisis-era Roman Empire? So are the people cataloging them! That's why at the Second Vatican Council Pope Paul VI eliminated all 12 feasts of St. Valentine from the Liturgical Calendar. How's that for a St. Valentine's Day massacre?

That's right: Valentine's Day hasn't really been St. Valentine's Day since 1969.

Their official reason was that they couldn't verify or distinguish most of the Sts. Valentine, but I think we all know the real cause. It was 1969, and the world was still suffering the effects of the Sex Crisis two years earlier, when the Summer of Love drained most of humanity's love reserves. Which, in turn, is why we needed more oil to lubricate our shameful sex acts, causing the energy crisis a few years after that.

With that, the holiday was unfettered, free to become a morass of Necco candy and roses purchased at a gas station at a 600 percent markup.

#1. It's Originally a Fertility Holiday

But let's go all the way back to antiquity and see if we shouldn't celebrate it after all ... albeit more ingenuously.

The legend of Rome's founders, Romulus and Remus, says that as infants they were nursed in infancy by a wolf -- although the Latin word "lupa," or "she-wolf," was also a slang term for a prostitute. Rome preferred the wolf version of the legend, because it was embarrassing for a city founded in rape and fratricide to have its origins in sex work.


We shall call her Wolf Nurse.
All this took place in a cave called the Lupercal, which archaeologists probably unearthed in 2007. Wolf Nurse was honored every February 13 to 15 during Lupercalia -- although just to confuse things the holiday was primarily dedicated to the god Lupercus, a Latin name meaning "He who throws bitchin' parties." During "The Festival of the Wolf," his priests, the Brothers of the Wolf, dressed up in goatskins to honor him. Not wolfskins, because that would make sense, although he did have goat legs. Yeah, he was basically Pan.


He looks like every guy named Gary you've ever known.
Meanwhile, Rome's noble youths ran naked through the streets, giving zero fucks but many lashings to any woman they ran across "with shaggy thongs." This supposedly conferred healthy, hearty pregnancies, because babies are stronger when they're conceived in kink. That's a science FACT, friend, and you can look it up in your Encyclopedia Dominatio.


Cracked's lawyers prefer that I don't Photoshop a baby in a gimp mask, so enjoy this leather strop.
A great many ladies of the republic placed themselves in the way of these wildlings to have their hands stropped, because a healthy pregnancy begins with open wounds in a country that doesn't use soap.

Now, a lot of scholars will tell you that there isn't enough of a connection to call Lupercalia a precursor to Valentine's Day. But what do they know? They haven't even been flogged by werewolves, and so they cannot speak to the truth known by the human heart -- that love comes in many forms at many times, but if any of them loved you, they'd buy you chocolate.
_____

Brendan is a lover, not a writer. He exposed the even bigger sham of offloading expired Valentine's Day products with his takedown of Sweetest Day.

Related reading: Brendan wanted to know What Love Is, and he wanted you to show him. He also unveiled more holiday mysteries in 5 Reasons Cinco de Mayo Is the Most American Holiday.

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