Refuting the Mars/Venus B.S. with One Cool Comic

This is funny in a mocking and condescending kind of way, which must be why I liked it.

Next Time Someone Says Women Live On A Different Planet, Show Them This.

28th August 2014

http://www.robot-hugs.com/interpretation/

If Men Were Honest When Hitting On Women

Via BuzzFeed Yellow.

If Men Were Honest When Hitting On Women

Written and Directed by Keith Habersberger and Chris Reinacher

Starring:
Chris Reinacher
Keith Habersberger
Justin Tan
Jamar Neighbors - Twitter: @JamarNeighbors
Brian Wohl - @brianwohl
Nick Cardiff
Jon Eidson: www.youtube.com/ExtremelyDecent

--------------------------

MUSIC
Love to the Beat Instrumental
Warner Chappell Production Music

 

Funny....

If Guy Best Friends Acted Like Girl Best Friends

Kristen Quintrall - "Hipster Man" (He Always Cums First)

Hilarious and strangely accurate (the description of the men, I don't know about the other part) - I see these guys all over Tucson.

He Always Cums First (The Hipster Song MUSIC VIDEO) - KQ feat. Anthony Lavin

Published on Apr 2, 2013


This is the first song I've ever written and recorded. Sometimes you think you have a genius idea so you send it out into the internet world. Sometimes you're right...sometimes you are terribly wrong. Either way, I'm laughing.

(Music Producer) Anthony Lavin - https://soundcloud.com/killian-cruiser
(Director) David Geis - https://www.facebook.com/david.geis
(DP) David Navarro - http://www.dreamlighting.net

Available on iTunes soon!

TWITTER: www.twitter.com/kristenq
FACEBOOK: www.facebook.com/kristenquintrallofficia­l
OFFICIAL WEBSITE: www.kristenquintrall.com
INSTAGRAM: @kristenquintrall

-LYRICS-

This is for all my ladies out there...you know what I'm talking about...

Skinny jeans that hug that D
Patchy beard oooo it tickles me
Ironic T's from the Goodwill Store
And the way you say, You've probably never heard this band before..."
He's a trader joe's bagger and a champion Quilter
And his whole hipster life is an Instagram Filter
I love you, hipster man
I love your hipster brand
I love you, hipster man
There's only one thing I can't stand

He always cums first
He's needs release before it's cool
But there's nothing left for me but this vibrating tool
Oooooo ah ah
Hipster men cum first (before it's cool)
Oooooo ah ah
Hipster men cum first
Hipster men cum first
Ya he always fucking cum first

Spinning vinyl sends my heart a flutter
Vegan diet means vegan nut butter
Grocery shopping on his Beach Cruiser
American Spirits, ya he's a tobacco user
Loves his coffee, dubstep and photography dream
It's not my fault that I'm not into "mainstream cream" (Jizz)
I love you, hipster man
I love your hipster brand
I love you, hipster man
There's only one thing I can't stand

He always cums first
He's needs release before it's cool
But there's nothing left for me but this vibrating tool (that always work, doesn't it)
And I need release, (oh big time)
And ya, I need it quick
Because there's no kind of app that replaces meatstick (I mean penis)
Oooooo ah ah
Hipster men cum first (every single time)
Oooooo ah ah
Hipster men cum first
Hipster men cum first
And I'm about to burst

My mind is going crazy , he's got so much swagger
Wrote the RSS feed on the underground chatter
He's always at the shows down in Silverlake
Would never make a video of the Harlem Shake.
Watches Buffy every night after Art School
Cuz he loved Vampires before they were cool
He's my dirty little hipster, I can't resist this fella
If he breaks my heart, than I'll find another at Coachella ella ella ay ay ay

Is David Lynch’s Twisted Animated Series "Dumbland" (NSFW) a Surreal Commentary on Men and Masculinity?

 

As with anything created by David Lynch, "understanding" his work is not really an option. We can experience it, notice our responses to it, and even discuss it endlessly on the floor of your dorm room while passing around a joint . . . or over a couple of pitchers of beer.

These short, crudely animated videos by Lynch are vulgar, surreal, and darkly humorous.

Since "understanding" them is not likely, at least not when I am tired, my sense is that these are humorous and satirical commentaries on men and masculinity, kind of like King of the Hill if it were not on network television and was drawn by someone with no training.

Each short, which lasts around 3 minutes, centers on Randy — a semi-feral, prodigiously flatulent beast of a man who is just as likely to shout profanities at you as punch you in the face. Basically, think Homer Simpson meets Frank Booth. He lives with his unnamed wife, who looks like she’s always on the brink of mental collapse, and his young son. And since this is a David Lynch production, motives are unexplained, the atmosphere is filled with menace, and the dialogue is pregnant with a subtext that is utterly obscure. 

The first 3 minute episode is below. There is a link to the rest of them in the post from Open Culture, the curators of cool on the interwebs. The NSFW is due to swearing.

Watch David Lynch’s Twisted Animated Series Dumbland (NSFW)

May 8th, 2014


Dumbland by David Lynch [1] by no_sence
David Lynch’s cult masterpiece Eraserhead freaked me out the first time I watched it back in high school. Few movies I’ve seen managed to operate so purely on dream logic, and fewer still had such an ability to stir the murky waters of my subconscious. And though the movie gave me nightmares, I was strangely drawn to the film. So I watched it again. And again. By the tenth or so viewing, I found myself laughing as if I were watching a Will Ferrell movie. Eraserhead might evoke all kinds of half-understood primal fears but it is also pretty damned funny.

That thread of black comedy extends in one form or another through all of Lynch’s work, from Frank Booth’s profane insistence on Pabst Blue Ribbon in Blue Velvet to the bumbling hitman who accidentally shoots a woman in the ass in Mulholland Drive. Lynch, like Hitchcock before him, realized that the horrible and the hilarious are, depending on your perspective, a hair’s width apart.

After the Mulholland Drive, Lynch became disenchanted with making movies while at the same time he grew intrigued by the possibilities offered by cheap digital cameras and the internet. In 2002, he made the animated series Dumbland, which Lynch himself called “very stupid, very crude.” Indeed, the simple black and white line drawings of Dumbland make Beavis and Butthead look like something out of Hayao Miyazaki. Lynch did everything himself, including all the voices.

Each short, which lasts around 3 minutes, centers on Randy — a semi-feral, prodigiously flatulent beast of a man who is just as likely to shout profanities at you as punch you in the face. Basically, think Homer Simpson meets Frank Booth. He lives with his unnamed wife, who looks like she’s always on the brink of mental collapse, and his young son. And since this is a David Lynch production, motives are unexplained, the atmosphere is filled with menace, and the dialogue is pregnant with a subtext that is utterly obscure.

The first episode, which you can see above (and be warned, there is a lot of swearing), shows Randy staring covetously at his neighbor’s shed before barking at a helicopter hovering overhead. His reedy neighbor reveals that he’s missing a limb and has some unusual sexual proclivities. The episode is absurd, disquieting and pretty funny. You can see the rest of the series here (or here). You can watch it all in about a half hour.

Related Content:

• David Lynch’s Unlikely Commercial for a Home Pregnancy Test (1997)
• David Lynch Teaches You to Cook His Quinoa Recipe in a Weird, Surrealist Video
• What David Lynch Can Do With a 100-Year-Old Camera and 52 Seconds of Film

Jonathan Crow is a Los Angeles-based writer and filmmaker whose work has appeared in Yahoo!, The Hollywood Reporter, and other publications. You can follow him at @jonccrow.

Somehow this is exactly how I remember my early teen years.

Teen Boys Losing Virginity Earlier And Earlier, Report Teen Boys

Published on Apr 29, 2014


A shocking new study that asked teen boys about their sexual habits reveals that they are all having sex all the time and are really, really good at having it.

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source. Apparently, white male privilege is not all it's cracked up to be . . . .

White Male Privilege Squandered On Job At Best Buy

ISSUE 50•16 • Apr 21, 2014


HAMILTON, OH—Despite being the beneficiary of numerous societal advantages and having faced little to no major adversity throughout his life, local man Travis Benton has spent the last four years squandering his white male privilege on a sales floor job at Best Buy, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You can get by with a regular HDMI cable, but if you’re looking at a length longer than 10 feet, I’d go with a gold-tipped one,” said the man dressed in a bright blue polo shirt and pin-on name tag as he continued to fritter away such innate life advantages as greater access to higher education, leniency from the justice system, and favorable treatment from other white males who lead and make hiring decisions at a disproportionately high number of American companies. “The AudioQuest gold-tip is actually the cable I use in my own home entertainment center and it provides excellent audio and video clarity, plus it comes with a full five-year warranty, unlike the 90-day warranty of a bargain brand. For your money, you’re not going to find a better cable.” At press time, the man born into the world’s most affluent and privileged socioeconomic group was spending his 15-minute break silently consuming a sleeve of Donettes purchased out of a vending machine.

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source, satire is often more telling than reality. In this case, making fun of men having to deal with how women really look in advertisements. With 67% of the population either overweight or obese, skinny models and actresses are certainly not the norm.

Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty

ISSUE 50•13 • Apr 2, 2014



More men are speaking out against the pervasive depictions of average women in the media, which have left them feeling demoralized and compelled to accept unwelcome ideals of beauty.
NEW YORK—Confronted on a regular basis with images of women who represent a diverse array of body types, a growing number of American men are reportedly feeling pressured to accept the increasingly realistic standards of female beauty now depicted in the media, social scientists confirmed this week.

“More and more, men today find themselves bombarded with un-retouched images, and with that comes the considerable mental burden of trying to reconcile what they see in these ads and magazines with their personal perceptions of beauty,” said sociologist Cliff Hillard, who studies attainable ideals of female attractiveness in the media and how they can create an overly realistic sense of what women ought to look like. “For most men, it’s very discouraging. Instead of seeing only rail-thin models, they’re now exposed to accurate representations of women whose proportions mimic those of actual human females.”

“Think about the average man flipping through a magazine that features pictures of women who haven’t had their cheekbones raised or their noses reshaped with Photoshop,” Hillard continued. “How is he supposed to feel when he sees something like that?”

Every day, according to Hillard, men are faced with “inescapable” displays of average-sized women, women who are representatively diverse in terms of race and ethnicity, and women who are not professional models. According to one recent study, the average man sees photographs of women without digitally exaggerated bust-to-waist ratios dozens of times per day on TV, billboards, and the sides of buses, which the findings suggest has a demoralizing effect on the male psyche and has been shown to negatively influence men’s self-esteem and mood the more often they view such images.

Hillard noted that major companies like Dove, H&M, and Ralph Lauren now use nontraditional models in their advertising campaigns, an increasingly popular trend that, according to the sociologists’ research, ultimately serves to make men feel upset and frustrated when the women in commercials don’t live up to their own personal fantasies.

“Nowadays I can’t even leave the house without seeing an ad featuring properly proportioned women of statistically normal weights,” said San Diego–based civil engineer Spencer DeLane, adding that some of the models’ bodies are “startlingly average.” “Sometimes I don’t even want to go online or turn on the television because I know I’ll see a regular, healthy-looking woman. Don’t these advertisers understand how deeply depressing that is for me?”

“It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to other men like me,” he continued. “Having to live with society’s expectations that I accept women just the way they are takes an enormous toll.”

In a recent USA Today poll, 87 percent of men said that in the past month they’d seen an ad that made them feel inadequate by challenging their conceptions of physical beauty. Within that group, 74 percent said they’d seen a model posing without makeup and 83 said they’d seen visible blemishes, with a further 62 percent reporting that they’d seen a model with slight wrinkles around her eyes that “could very easily have been digitally or surgically removed.”

Armed with mounting evidence that men can feel crushed under the heavy mental strain to appreciate all types of women, Hillard questioned the costs of depicting them in a sensible way that reflects their natural physical variance.

“Here you’ve got a generation of boys who will grow up looking at women in the media and seeing flaws here, flaws there, flaws everywhere—what are they supposed to think?” said Hillard, who noted that his 12-year-old son is just now beginning to objectify women and that such portrayals could grossly alter what he perceives as an idealized female form for the rest of his life. “That’s why it’s more important than ever to empower men so they can teach themselves to ignore these ads and images.”“We men simply need to have conviction in our own ideas of what makes a woman beautiful,” he added.

What the Summer's Eve "Manly Mistake" Commercial Says about Men and Femininity

Wow, I had not seen this commercial. I'm sure it's supposed to be incredibly over-the-top and maybe the reaction below is taking it too seriously. But even in satire there are serious truths. For men, any hint of femininity is to be feared and immediately rejected with as much manliness as possible.

Femininity: Feared and Reviled

by Lisa Wade, PhD,

The paradox: masculinity is strength, power, and dominance… but femininity is terrifying. Gender rules insist that men must avoid association with the feminine at all costs because, if they do not, they are weak. They are pussies, bitches, women, girls. Femininity is weakness and yet, oddly, it has the power to strip men of their manliness. It is as if, as sociologist Gwen Sharp once put it, “masculinity is so fragile that apparently even the slightest brush with the feminine destroys it.”

Behold the best example of this phenomenon ever:


Let’s be clear. The reason he’s afraid of femininity is because it’s reviled. It makes you a woman, which makes you worthless. Which is fine for the ladies, but dudes are advised to avoid personal denigration if at all possible.

Thanks Summer’s Eve, you make my job easy.

Lisa Wade is a professor of sociology at Occidental College. You can follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source . . . of course. As is the case with good satire, there is ironic truth to be had in this brief piece.

Man Who Treats Women With Respect Asked What His Secret Is

ISSUE 50•10 • Mar 10, 2014 

MINNEAPOLIS—Commenting upon his seemingly effortless ability to interact with all kinds of women, friends of local financial analyst Matt Brownlow, a man who regularly treats members of the opposite sex with respect, reportedly asked the 28-year-old Monday what his secret is. “You just seem to have such a way with women—what’s your trick?” friend Alex Stegman inquired of the considerate man who sustains healthy, meaningful relationships with women by consistently listening to them and not treating them as utilitarian instruments for male gratification. “I don’t know how you do it. It seems like talking to women is so easy for you, and you’re always able to get them smiling and engaged in conversation with you. Man, I wish I could do that.” At press time, sources confirmed Brownlow could be overheard working his magic on a female coworker by thoughtfully asking about her weekend.

This is from The Onion, so don't take it seriously. However, this little piece of satire points out a stigma that still is common in our culture - that seeing a therapist is weak, especially for men.

Supposed Adult Pays Man To Sit In Room And Listen To Him Talk About His Feelings

News in Brief • ISSUE 50•07 • Feb 19, 2014


BRIDGEPORT, CT—Reportedly going twice a week to his special safe place where he’s told he doesn’t have to be afraid, local accountant and supposedly grown adult Carl Rowley confirmed Wednesday that he pays a man to sit right next to him in a room and listen to him talk all about his feelings. “It’s really helpful to talk through my issues out loud with someone who has an objective viewpoint,” said the feeble approximation of a mature self-respecting grownup, describing the hour-long sessions in which he nestles himself on a big comfy couch with a soft pillow and tells the nice man how he’s sad and lonely and wants everything to feel good again. “I think I’m making a lot of progress, especially around issues with my family. I definitely think it’s something every [oh-so-fragile little infant masquerading as an actual grown man] should try.” At press time, sources reported that Rowley felt much better after the kindly listening man, a so-called doctor, told him that it was okay to cry.

Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads (The Onion)

As is usually the case, The Onion says things many people think but would seldom say out loud, and sadly, this is one of those things.

Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads

News With Video
• Lifestyle • ISSUE 50•05 • Feb 6, 2014


WASHINGTON—According to a report released Thursday by the Pew Research Center, a steadily increasing number of weak, emasculated men—if you can still even call them men—are choosing to forego a career and stay at home to raise their children. “Our research shows that thousands of American men—all of whom are pitifully frail and impotent—are leaving the workforce to debase themselves by preparing lunches and tending to their children, ultimately rejecting their role as the family breadwinner in favor of what is effectively gender reassignment,” said head researcher Paul Lopez, noting that the growing ranks of meek, delicate little husbands and fathers often spent their entire days embarrassing themselves and their sex by cleaning, shopping for groceries, and in some extreme cases, folding laundry. “While their anatomy would suggest that, yes, in purely biological terms these are males, their wholesale renunciation of their masculinity has relegated them to the status of subservient, ineffectual nothings who might as well be castrated since that is what they clearly desire anyway.” The report also described a correlated trend of repellent, overly aggressive, testosterone-crazed mothers flooding the corporate world.

Deformed Freak Born Without Penis (Satire as an Introduction to Intersex)

This bit of satire from The Onion generated some conversation at Facebook - and it brings up some issues about sexual and gender identity and intersex people. First up the story from The Onion:

Deformed Freak Born Without Penis

ISSUE 49•49 • Dec 3, 2013



The utterly disfigured creature, who sources say somehow has to make its way through life with no male genitalia whatsoever.

NORFOLK, VA—In an alarming case that has baffled and repulsed many, sources confirmed Tuesday that a severely deformed freak born without a penis has managed to live with the condition for over 26 years.

The bizarre, monstrous human specimen was reportedly born with no other noticeable maladies and has, amazingly enough, attempted to lead a normal, albeit severely impaired life despite possessing no male genitalia whatsoever.

“We first noticed something was off about three months into the pregnancy, and I was of course horrified,” said Dr. Mark Joules, the obstetrician who delivered the grotesque—some would say subhuman—abhorrence of nature. “You could clearly see in the ultrasound that a penis and testicles were not developing as one would hope—or at all, in fact—and we immediately knew something was terribly, terribly wrong.”

“Had we caught it earlier, we most likely would have recommended that the pregnancy be terminated,” Joules continued. “But it was unfortunately too late at that point, so we were forced to deliver the baby as planned and just pray that it could get by in that state. We did our best, but with such a horrible and incredibly crippling deformity, there wasn’t much hope to be had.”

According to reports, the sadly disfigured 26-year-old’s quality of life has been greatly diminished due to such a condition. Sources said the abnormal, visibly blemished creature has been repeatedly passed over for employment opportunities, frequently gawked at and harassed on the street by total strangers, and has faced near constant discrimination for over two decades, all due to the horrific and debilitating birth defect.

Indeed, many are reportedly unable to look past the glaring deformity and simply see the 26-year-old as a human being.

“Whoa, look at that,” said 31-year-old onlooker Grant Megson, who, like many others, gawked at the freakish human anomaly while passing by on the sidewalk. “I don’t mean to stare, but honestly, it’s hard not to. Jesus Christ.”

“I just wish some of my buddies were here to see this,” added Megson, smiling and taking one last look before continuing with his day.

Sources confirmed that, unfortunately, such cases are actually quite common, with roughly one in every two babies afflicted with the lifelong disfigurement.

However, that is reportedly little consolation to the malformed specimen’s father, who told reporters that a day doesn’t go by in which he doesn’t wish his child was born a normal, healthy baby with male genitalia.

“Sadly, because the deformity is so obvious, our child was treated very differently from all the other kids,” the father told reporters, admitting that he was incredibly upset and disappointed when he first learned that his baby would be born a freak, one to be mistreated and viewed as inferior its whole life. “Even though the doctors explained all the incredible challenges and prejudice the poor thing would face, I don’t think it really sunk in until after the birth, when I saw the disfigurement with my own eyes. You never want your child to have to grow up that way.”“But what can you do?” he added. “I’m just thankful that my other two kids weren’t born like that.”

* * * * *

One of the comments at Facebook mentioned that in Germany there has been an increase in children born with intersex features (or as not either clearly male or female). Intersex is much more common than people think - comprehensive statistics suggest 1 in 100 children are born with chromosome patterns other than the standard XX or XY. These are the numbers from the Intersex Society of North America:

Below we provide a summary of statistics drawn from an article by Brown University researcher Anne Fausto-Sterling.² The basis for that article was an extensive review of the medical literature from 1955 to 1998 aimed at producing numeric estimates for the frequency of sex variations. Note that the frequency of some of these conditions, such as congenital adrenal hyperplasia, differs for different populations. These statistics are approximations. 

Not XX and not XY	one in 1,666 births
Klinefelter (XXY)	one in 1,000 births
Androgen insensitivity syndrome	one in 13,000 births
Partial androgen insensitivity syndrome	one in 130,000 births
Classical congenital adrenal hyperplasia	one in 13,000 births
Late onset adrenal hyperplasia	one in 66 individuals
Vaginal agenesis	one in 6,000 births
Ovotestes	one in 83,000 births
Idiopathic (no discernable medical cause)	one in 110,000 births
Iatrogenic (caused by medical treatment, for instance progestin administered to pregnant mother)	no estimate
5 alpha reductase deficiency	no estimate
Mixed gonadal dysgenesis	no estimate
Complete gonadal dysgenesis	one in 150,000 births
Hypospadias (urethral opening in perineum or along penile shaft)	one in 2,000 births
Hypospadias (urethral opening between corona and tip of glans penis)	one in 770 births
Total number of people whose bodies differ from standard male or female	one in 100 births
Total number of people receiving surgery to “normalize” genital appearance	one or two in 1,000 births

For additional information on this topic, here is a documentary, Sex: Unknown.

Uploaded on Jan 17, 2011

Many babies are born intersex with genitals that did not fully develop in the womb. In such situations, most doctors declare a state of medical emergency, and quickly move to operate in an effort to "fix" the child and give it the appearance of either a male or female. But this intervention is not always welcome: Many intersex adults that were surgically changed in infancy now insist they should have been given a choice in the matter. In many cases the gender they were assigned at birth does not match the gender they grew to believe they were. This begs a larger question: How much of our gender identity is formed by nature and how much by nurture? "Sex: Unknown" delves into the complex world of gender identity.

As reported by The Onion (America's Finest News Source), there is now proof that men can be their authentic, true selves for at least small portions of each day. Who would have ever thought that possible?

Man Was Himself For 27 Minutes Today

The ONION | ISSUE 49•47 • Nov 21, 2013 

 

ST. LOUIS—Temporarily ceasing all his regular affectations and posturing, local man Jeremy Claremont was his actual, genuine self for nearly half an hour today, sources have confirmed. “I was definitely myself for about six minutes there while eating breakfast, and then again during the first three minutes and 45 seconds of my commute, right up until the point I hit traffic,” said Claremont, speaking to reporters during one of the 27 nonconsecutive minutes in which he exhibited his true personality. “I also let my guard down at 1:14 p.m., when I was eating lunch with coworkers, but that stretch ended by 1:22, around the time the topic of conversation switched to business. Likewise, I didn’t betray my authentic self during the cumulative six minutes I spent urinating today.” According to reports, the 36-year-old was unable to be himself during the eight hours he slept, as he spent nearly all that time dreaming he was someone else.

Don't be this dad, okay? Please . . . .

Dad’s Been On A Parenting Kick Lately

ISSUE 49•44 • Oct 28, 2013

AUSTIN, TX—In the most recent of a long string of hobbies and obsessions to completely absorb the local father’s attention, friends and family reported Monday that Jacob Rossbach, 35, has been on a serious parenting jag lately. “In the past few days, he’s just been going nuts with the paternal encouragement and affection stuff—he’s really gotten into it lately,” said daughter Jenny, 7, adding that while she’s not sure what put the parenting bug in her dad’s ear, her father now spends nearly all his free time on activities such as doling out advice, providing material assistance, and imparting wisdom to his two children. “A few minutes ago he stopped by my room just to tell me he was proud of me. He’s done that five times today. It’s like, huh, guess he’s going through a little nurturing-his-children phase or something.” The sudden burst of commitment to his paternal duties reportedly replaces a fiscal responsibility kick that dominated the previous week and a half of Rossbach’s life.

This is from The Onion, so it's satire, but satire is based in reality. In this case, a common reality. Don't be this guy.

Family Watches In Silence As Dad Checks Out Waitress

ISSUE 49•42 • Oct 14, 2013 

 

CLEVELAND—Struggling not to openly show discomfort, family members dining with local man Louis Munson sat quietly on Sunday as Munson peered intently in the direction of Olive Garden waitress Layla Martinez. Munson, who first noticed the 23-year-old brunette as she walked past carrying another table’s pasta entrees, reportedly gazed at her for approximately 12 seconds, lingering on certain features of her anatomy while his fully aware wife, two sons, and daughter watched in silence. Though the family’s unease had largely passed by the end of the meal, sources say it was re-sparked when Munson suddenly noticed Martinez from across the restaurant bending down to tie her shoe.

Bruce Willis Hosts Man-Cave Dance Party (SNL)

Via Gawker, a video clip of actor Bruce Willis hosting a "man-cave" dance party - it's a bro thing, "a call for brotherly unity."

Bruce Willis Hosted an Amusing Man-Cave Dance Party on SNL

Last night, sassy-television-detective-turned-action-hero Bruce Willis hosted Saturday Night Live for the first time since 1989, with musical guest Katy Perry. One of the episode's highlights was this amusing digital short about the secret manly society of boy dance parties, a stress-relieving breakdown of herky-jerky man-cave moves that're "not homoerotic, just a call for brotherly unity." This is a rare instance where a twerking joke still really works.

[video via NBC]

As is usual, The Onion is on top of things, which one would expect from America's Finest News Source. Male bonding is a mystery for the local man (Appleton, WI) in this article, but it seems a little, well, kind of, you know . . . like bullying.

Here's his story.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

ISSUE 49•38 • Sept 19, 2013

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied
APPLETON, WI—Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening. “When Bill called me ‘limp dick’ and punched my shoulder, I wasn’t sure if he was insulting me or just being friendly, but everyone else was smiling and laughing, so I smiled back,” said Chambliss, adding that he has also been called “fucker” several times, which feels like bullying even though the whole group seems to be referring to one another as “fucker.” “I wish I could figure out whether I’m being included or excluded. When Jeff burped loudly in my ear while I was playing pinball, I was torn between storming off angrily and buying the next round. And when they asked how my ‘piece of ass’ was doing, I couldn’t tell if they were trying to compliment my wife or were just being degrading.” At press time, the group was reportedly exiting the bar as one of Chambliss’ coworkers said, “See you next time, pussy,” leaving him to wonder whether they actually wanted to hang out with him again or were just being sarcastic.

Alyssa Milano's Leaked Sex Tape

I'm sure most of you have seen this by now, but if not, you're in for a treat . . . .

Alyssa Milano Sex Tape from Alyssa Milano 

Yes, this is a funny way to bring attention to a very serious topic. I am sure most guys probably weren't listening to the news report on Syria showing on the television, but it was worth a try.

An important news story brought to you by The Onion, America's Finest News Source.

Nation’s Single Men Announce Plan To Change Bedsheets By 2019 

ISSUE 49•35 • Aug 28, 2013 

A coalition of single men emphasize that their sheets don’t even really smell and should hold up fine for another 6 or 7 years at least.

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that their bedsheets have no major stains and look completely fine except for a “couple flakes of skin here and there,” the nation’s single men announced Tuesday that their goal is to change their bedding by 2019.

The country’s bachelors, who last changed their sheets in November of 2003, told reporters that though their linens are faded and slightly itchy at times, they are completely fine for sleeping in, and at this point barely even smell.

“As of now, our plan is to strip the bed of its sheets and wash them by either June or December of 2019,” said unmarried Atlanta man James Bolter, who reportedly sighed and said he guesses that means pillowcases, too. “The hottest part of this summer is nearly over so we’re not going to be sweating as much at night, which means we just don’t see any immediate need to change and wash our sheets.”

“Washing our comforters—be it the sheets that cover them or the comforters themselves—is not part of our 2019 timeline, and I believe it will stay that way,” the bachelor added. “The earliest we would even consider washing our comforters would be 2035, if ever.”

According to the nation’s single men, many of whom have resorted to spraying a light layer of Febreze over their beds once a week for the last decade, their sheets haven’t gotten nearly “fuzzy” or “wrinkly” enough to be changed. Moreover, within the last 10 years, the bachelors have made certain to alternate the side of the bed on which they sleep so that one section doesn’t get more soiled with dead skin than the other.

In addition to sleeping on different sides of their pillows, the bachelors have also made sure to “flip over” the mattresses’ fitted sheets and top sheets once a year to “keep things fresh.”

“We believe that as long as you change your sheets once or twice a decade you’ll be fine,” said 27-year-old Delaware man Jeff Kugler, who doesn’t have a girlfriend, and later added that he’s heard of how dust mites, mite excrement, and bacteria can build up if sheets aren’t laundered but said all of that is “bullshit.” “My sheets have a few stains on them, but they’re all dried now. You can’t see them unless you are really looking for them. The outlines of the stains are there, but that’s it. So everything will be okay for the next six years or so.”

Saying that crumbs and hair have become so embedded in the sheets that you can’t even tell they’re there, the unattached men listed several other factors as to why they’ve avoided changing their sheets. First, they told reporters, their sheets are navy blue so it’s “not like they look dirty.” Second, changing them “will be really fucking annoying” and “take up a long fucking time.” And third, the bachelors said, they are “just too busy with other stuff.”

Perhaps most important, the single men noted, is the fact that they only have one pair of sheets, meaning that any linen change would necessitate sleeping on their mattress pads for up to six months while they put off removing their bedding from the laundry.

“The next laundry day is in 2019, so that’s when I’ll do my next load of sheets,” said 34-year-old Martin Rhodes while removing magazines, Kleenexes, and plates from his bed. “But it just depends on what things are like then. Maybe it won’t be necessary. I haven’t really had to wash these sheets since college and they’re fine.”