Men of Tears: Workshops where men go to cry

Wow, this is sorry statement on the quality of men's lives. When we feel we need to go to a workshop to be able to cry, or to have a safe place to cry, things are really messed up in terms of who we are and how we live in this culture.

On the other hand, better there than not at all.

Men of Tears: workshops where men go to cry

Sophie Brickman, Chronicle Staff Writer

San Francisco Chronicle January 24, 2011 04:00 AM Copyright San Francisco Chronicle. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle

John touches his chest during a Men of Tears "tear circle" in San Anselmo at which men get together to cry as a therapeutic practice.

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A few moments before 4 p.m. on a recent Wednesday, nine men ages 25 to 67, filed into a small, bare office in San Anselmo, arranged their chairs in a circle, sat down and prepared to cry.

Few knew each other. Some hadn't cried since they were young boys and wanted to learn how to cry again. A few cried often, and were thrilled to have found a safe space to do so.

These were the Men of Tears.

"If you can't cry, you can't find joy," says Lee Glickstein of Woodacre, founder of Speaking Circles International, which offers instruction in public speaking.

Glickstein and Pete van Dyk, a couples' and troubled boys' counselor who lives in Fairfax, founded the group in July, basing it on the idea that suppressing tears is detrimental to individual physical and emotional health, as well as the health of the community. The more men let out their tears, Glickstein and van Dyk claim, the less anger and violence in the world.

With Men of Tears, they want to provide men with a safe space to tap into emotions they may have dissociated from since childhood, so the next time tears well up, they can well over. The group is an all-male subset of WaterWorkers, an organization also headed by Glickstein that promotes crying as a therapeutic practice.

Glickstein, 66, who studied sociology at Brooklyn College and once worked as a stand-up comedian, realized a few months ago while watching the movie "Crumb" that he hadn't truly cried since he was 6 years old. During a scene where the title character, artist Robert Crumb, finds a mentor, Glickstein, thinking about his lack of mentorship as a young man, began to cry. Once he did so, he became happier, and wanted to share the experience with other men. Men of Tears was born.

Tears and sadness

He and van Dyk, 63, lead the two-hour sessions, during which men share their experiences with tears and sadness.

On that Wednesday, one participant spoke of the emotional and financial pain he'd experienced in the recent economic downturn. Another, eyebrows furrowed, said he hadn't cried for years. Some sniffled as they spoke. Only one wept hard enough to need a tissue - he was recounting the long-ago death of his 6-year-old sister.

For scientific backing, Glickstein and van Dyk cite the work of neuroscientist William H. Frye II, who directs the Alzheimer's Research Center at Regions Hospital in St. Paul, Minn. In the late 1980s, Frye published studies about emotional tears - one of three types of tears shed by humans. (The other two types are basal, to keep the eyes moist; and reflex, which wash out irritants like smoke.) One study, conducted with several hundred volunteers at the Psychiatry Research Laboratories at St. Paul-Ramsey Medical Center in Minnesota, showed that emotional tears release two types of stress hormones from the body, thus producing a calming effect, which Frye theorized could be the tears' evolutionary purpose, though all three types of tears release the same hormones and in the same amount.

Frye also found that women cry five times as much as men, partly because of hormonal, anatomical and biological differences, and partly because of societal conditioning. He firmly believes that emotional tears are key to stress reduction.

A biological function

"There are a number of ways of reducing stress, from exercising to laughing, but none of them is a substitute for the biological function of emotional tears," Frye says. "If we didn't really need it, we wouldn't have evolved it."

So what if you do choke back that lump in your throat and "pull it together"? Is that bad? Scientists are mostly in agreement that repressing negative emotion amps up cardiovascular stress and produces anxiety, and long-term stress has been shown to kill brain cells and impair memory function. For men, who learn at a young age that stoicism is tantamount to masculinity, such emotional repression is common, according to Jonathan Bowman, associate professor of communication at the University of San Diego.

As such, he believes that Men of Tears is addressing a societal problem.

"Men are really great at expressing joy, happiness and anger," says Bowman, who specializes in researching male friendship. "But we're really bad at expressing things that may reflect negatively on us, particularly sadness and fear.

In a safe space

"This group is allowing guys to affirm their masculinity while expressing emotion in a safe space."

After the session wrapped up Wednesday, many participants said they felt more connected to each other, more in tune with their emotions.

"I felt a shield drop," said Rick Walt, 62, a retired sheet metal worker from San Rafael.

Anthony Chang, a first-timer, said he'd definitely come back.

"This is the first time I've talked about the hardships in my life with any emotion," said Chang, 25, a former world-class karate champion from Cupertino.

For Glickstein and van Dyk, the groups are just the first step. They'd like to spread the movement to jails, offices and schools.

The political field, especially right now, is ripe for tear discussion.

"We absolutely love that Boehner is crying and getting people talking about crying," says Glickstein, referring to House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, and his oft-flowing tears. But he and van Dyk are thinking bigger, calling it a "primary mission" to get President Obama to admit that he cries.

After seeing Obama pause for 51 seconds - presumably collecting himself and holding back tears - during a speech Jan. 12 about the Arizona shooting victims, Glickstein wrote a blog entry asking the president to cry openly.

Glickstein realizes that the political field is often not a place where tears are welcome (during his 1972 presidential bid, Edmund Muskie seemed to cry when defending his wife, something that is believed to have contributed to his loss) but is considering e-mailing Obama to ask him to talk about tears.

"I know he is a compassionate man," Glickstein says, "and we assume he cries at home. If he admits at a press conference that he cries, that would be a huge step in (ending) the cycle of violence. And it would only take a few seconds."

Men of Tears: Circles are scheduled for 3-5 p.m. Wed.; 7-9 p.m. Feb. 2, 9 and 16; 10 a.m.-noon Feb. 25. 223 San Anselmo Ave., No. 6, San Anselmo. The circles are open to drop-ins. A $30 donation is suggested. http://sfg.ly/ijlG6n

Tags: men, masculinity, crying, emotions, gender stereotypes, men of tears, support group, men's work, men's groups, sadness, grief, Sophie Brickman