Males Believe Discussing Problems Is a Waste of Time

The general belief has been that boys don't talk about their feelings because they would be embarrassed or afraid of being seen as weak. According to this new study, however, they simply do not believe that talking about their feelings will make any difference.

A lot of my counseling clients do not think it will help to talk about their feelings, either, including a lot of women, but that does not make it so. It's good to know that "boys didn't express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls," so at least it's not a fear issue.

We can educate boys to know that sometimes it does help to talk about feelings. And I would suspect that part of their belief that it doesn't help comes from their socialization. We teach boys that feelings are useless, stuff for girls to talk about but not something real men even think about. That can change - it needs to change.

Boys are never likely to share as much emotionally as do girls, but that does not mean we cannot help them be more emotionally intelligent and, with that, more empathetic and compassionate.

Citation:

Amanda Rose, Rebecca Schwartz-Mette, Rhiannon Smith, Lance Swenson, Wendy Carlson, Erika Waller, and Steven Asher. (2011, August 22). Males believe discussing problems is a waste of time, study shows. University of Missouri press release. ScienceDaily. Retrieved April 22, 2012, from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/08/110822151021.htm

Males Believe Discussing Problems Is a Waste of Time, Study Shows

ScienceDaily (Aug. 22, 2011) — A new University of Missouri study finds that boys feel that discussing problems is a waste of time.

"For years, popular psychologists have insisted that boys and men would like to talk about their problems but are held back by fears of embarrassment or appearing weak," said Amanda J. Rose, associate professor of psychological sciences in the MU College of Arts and Science. "However, when we asked young people how talking about their problems would make them feel, boys didn't express angst or distress about discussing problems any more than girls. Instead, boys' responses suggest that they just don't see talking about problems to be a particularly useful activity."


Rose and her colleagues conducted four different studies that included surveys and observations of nearly 2,000 children and adolescents. The researchers found that girls had positive expectations for how talking about problems would make them feel, such as expecting to feel cared for, understood and less alone. On the other hand, boys did not endorse some negative expectations more than girls, such as expecting to feel embarrassed, worried about being teased, or bad about not taking care of the problems themselves. Instead, boys reported that talking about problems would make them feel "weird" and like they were "wasting time."


"An implication is that parents should encourage their children to adopt a middle ground when discussing problems. For boys, it would be helpful to explain that, at least for some problems, some of the time, talking about their problems is not a waste of time. Yet, parents also should realize that they may be 'barking up the wrong tree' if they think that making boys feel safer will make them confide. Instead, helping boys see some utility in talking about problems may be more effective," Rose said. "On the other hand, many girls are at risk for excessive problem talk, which is linked with depression and anxiety, so girls should know that talking about problems isn't the only way to cope."


Rose believes that the findings may play into future romantic relationships, as many relationships involve a "pursuit-withdraw cycle" in which one partner (usually the woman) pursues talking about problems while the other (usually the man) withdraws.


"Women may really push their partners to share pent-up worries and concerns because they hold expectations that talking makes people feel better. But their partners may just not be interested and expect that other coping mechanisms will make them feel better. Men may be more likely to think talking about problems will make the problems feel bigger, and engaging in different activities will take their minds off of the problem. Men may just not be coming from the same place as their partners," Rose said.


The paper, "How Girls and Boys Expect Disclosure About Problems Will Make Them Feel: Implications for Friendships," will be published in an upcoming edition of the journal Child Development. The study was funded by the National Institute for Mental Health and was co-authored by current and former MU psychology graduate students Rebecca Schwartz-Mette, Rhiannon Smith, Lance Swenson, Wendy Carlson, and Erika Waller and Rose's colleague Steven Asher.

Finding Manhood - Real Men and Meaningful Conversation

Nice post from a new-to-me blog, Finding Manhood - men seem to have a hard time with meaningful conversation. One of the things that I loved about being in community at the Integral Theory Conference was having meaningful conversations - not just with women, which is how it often is in my life, but also with men. I need more of that in my life. This can be one of the many way men's groups might help us find more and deeper community.

Real Men and Meaningful Conversation

Yesterday, I got together with three other men for lunch. It was the first time all four of us friends had been able to match schedules for a meal and a visit, and I am really glad it worked out. The meal reminded me of the value and importance of developing friendships through conversation with other men.

We were a bit of an unlikely grouping: Each of us four represents a different season of life, a different occupation, a different personality. But we are united by a shared understanding of the value of getting together as men to a.) have a good time b.) talk about meaningful things c.) encourage each other on our journeys as leaders in our workplaces, families, and churches.

As men tend to do, we initiated conversations between and among each other with talk of work. But I was really pleased to hear the conversation take other directions as well. Our discussion ranged from the nature and function of formal vs. informal language (or “registry” if you want to get technical) to the persona taken on by many pulpit preachers. All four of us know each other because we attend (or did attend in one of our cases) the same congregation, so the conversation also turned to the diversity (or lack thereof) among congregations we’re familiar with and then to the purpose and character of worship in those same congregations.

But more significant to me than the topic of our conversation (which was refreshingly meaningful and never turned to sports, something particularly unusual for me) was the tone of it. It really felt like all of us were transparent and engaged. No one was trying to impress anyone or hide anything. The brief nature of the meeting as well as its location (a local deli) meant we were never going to get into serious soul-searching or anything. (But as I said, our interaction was the exact opposite of superficial.) And while men also need to have intimate, deep conversations with other men, the intensity of such conversations dictates that they can’t be held all the time. So it was good for me to participate in a kind of middle-ground conversation, one in which I could be honest and real and truthful but not feel forced to bare my soul at that particular time (which, again, is valuable to do, admittedly).

Read the whole post.

Tags: men, talking, masculinity, meaning, Finding Manhood, Real Men, Meaningful Conversation, men's groups