Dr. Ron Levant - The New Masculinities

These sections are part of a longer article by Dr. Levant (editor of the APA's Division 51 journal, Psychology of Men & Masculinity) from a feminist encyclopedia:

Men and Masculinity. (2001). In Encyclopedia of Women and Gender: Sex Similarities and Differences and the Impact of Society on Gender. Retrieved from http://www.credoreference.com/entry/estwomen/men_and_masculinity

On the whole, the entry leans toward feminist (re)constructions of masculinity, but this last little bit seemed hopeful to me. Maybe I'm just naive.

First up, however, a quick summary of the old (read: existing) model that is essentially obsolete in the developed world, and is therefore more likely to be found in rural areas, or among those of conservative values and religious beliefs (read: mythic/authoritarian).

Traditional Masculinity Ideology

Despite the diversity in masculinity ideology in the contemporary United States, there is a particular constellation of standards and expectations that are commonly referred to as “traditional” masculinity ideology, since it was the dominant view in the United States prior to the deconstruction of gender that took place beginning in the 1970s.

Traditional masculinity ideology is thought to be a multidimensional construct. Brannon identified four components of traditional masculinity ideology: that men should not be feminine (“no sissy stuff”); that men should never show weakness (“the sturdy oak”); that men should strive to be respected for successful achievement (“the big wheel”); and that men should seek adventure and risk, even accepting violence if necessary (“give ‘em hell”). More recently, Levant defined traditional masculinity ideology in terms of seven dimensions:

• The requirement to avoid all things feminine;
• The injunction to restrict one's emotional life;
• The emphasis on achieving status above all else;
• The injunction to be completely self-reliant;
• The emphasis on toughness and aggression;
• Non-relational, objectifying attitudes toward sexuality;
• Fear and hatred of homosexuals.

I reformatted the last paragraph into bullet points above to make it stand out more as a list.

I did the same thing with list of new traits, below, that men (many already possess these traits) will slowly evolve into over the next few decades/generations.

THE NEW MASCULINITIES

What form will the new masculinities take? Who will be the new role models? For contemporary, White middle-class men, the “strong silent” model of masculinity that suited our fathers clearly does not work. The “sensitive man,” as portrayed by the actor Alan Alda in several popular films, seemed to offer an alternative. Unfortunately this image of modern masculinity has been so negatively caricatured that many men will not touch it. In addition, we have to consider what are appropriate models for different racial and ethnic groups, socioeconomic classes, and sexual orientations. The search for appropriate images of what it means to be a man is a central issue today.

Certain elements are likely to be evident in the new masculinities:

• The new men will possess a combination of old and new traits.
• They will still be strong, self-reliant, and reliable.
• They will show care by doing for others, looking out for them, and helping them to solve their problems.
• They will be logical and live by a moral code.
• They will be good at solving problems and in being assertive.
• But they will no longer be strangers to emotions.
• They will have a greater appreciation of their own emotional life and an ability to express their emotions in words.
• Their emotional lives will also be richer and more complex.
• Anger will retreat to an appropriate level, and they will be more comfortable with sadness and fear.
• They will feel less afraid of shame.
• They will be aware of the emotions of others and adept at reading their subtle nuances.
• They will have a better balance in their lives between work and love.
• They will be better husbands and lovers because they will be able to experience the true joys of intimacy and come to prefer that over non-relational sex.
• They will be the fathers that they wanted for themselves.

Levant is author of A New Psychology of Men, Masculinity Reconstructed: Changing the Rules of Manhood, and Men and Sex: New Psychological Perspectives, among other books.

Tags: men, masculinity, gender roles, gender studies, culture, Dr. Ron Levant, The New Masculinities, Encyclopedia of Women and Gender, Sex Similarities and Differences and the Impact of Society on Gender, A New Psychology of Men, Masculinity Reconstructed, Changing the Rules of Manhood, Men and Sex, New Psychological Perspectives, traditional masculinity

David Wexler, Ph.D. - Men in Therapy in the 21st Century

For any therapists out there - or maybe even life coaches - who work with men, this telecourse, from Psychotherapy Networker, with David Wexler seems essential. Dr. Wexler is the author of Men in Therapy: New Approaches for Effective Treatment and When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship.

In his writings, Wexler offers some crucial insights into the ways in which men manifest emotional issues differently than women do, and why female therapists need to understand how and why this is true, as well as how to talk to men in a way that will allow them to feel safe expressing themselves.

His discussion of the "Broken Mirror" (from the article Shame-O-Phobia: Why men fear therapy, see below) using a construct from Self Psychology, is immensely useful in understanding men - it definitely helped me understand why my inner critic gets triggered by my relationship partner while perceived criticism from others barely even registers much of the time.

A metaphor from self-psychology, the broken mirror, is particularly helpful in understanding the dynamics of male shame. This sensitivity to shame—to feeling incompetent, not valuable, unloved, unneeded, unimportant—is often governed by the psychological relationships with mirroring-self objects in our lives. It works like this: the response from others serves as a mirror, reflecting an image that governs our sense of well-being. Sensitivity to mirroring-self objects and broken mirrors isn't gender-specific, but men are more vulnerable to experiencing these mirrors as referenda on their performance and personal value. When the mirror image is negative (or is perceived as negative), the reflection can reactivate a man's narcissistic injury and deliver a blow to his feeling of competence. There's no more potent a mirror for a man than the one reflected by his intimate partner. If she (or he, in a gay relationship) is unhappy, he's failed. If she offers even a normal, nonabusive criticism, it's as if she's yelling at him: "You've failed at making me happy." And the shame-o-phobic man, vulnerable to broken mirrors and narcissistic injuries, will hear that message whether it's unintended or not.

I think a lot men can see themselves in this brief passage. Sometimes Jami can say something that is as free from judgment or shaming as humanly possible (and being a therapist, she knows how to do this), and I hear it as though I am the worst partner in the world. This doesn't happen all the time, of course - some days my critic is more reactive than other days - but when it does, I withdraw and she wonders what the hell just happened.

For an extended sample of his writing (and an explanation of the "narcissistic wound," see the article excerpt below.

Anyway, here is the info for the telecourse.

T915 Men in Therapy in the 21st Century

Learn about contemporary models of male psychology and how to engage men in therapy to bring out the best qualities even in “difficult” or “defensive” men.

David Wexler, Ph.D.

Dates: Tuesdays, June 8, 15, 29; July 6
Time: 12:00 PM to 1:00 PM EST
CE Credits: 4 hours
Fee: $85; Online Member Discount: $75

Course Description

Traditional models of psychotherapy and couples therapy have often fallen short in trying to reach and engage men because they don’t recognize the defenses and strengths that men typically bring with them into relationships. In this course, you’ll learn about creative 21st-century perspectives on male psychology, particularly how to reach men and bring out their best qualities. We’ll discuss the “broken mirror” phenomenon, ways in which men rely on women excessively for validation of the self, and the challenging and rich issues that emerge when women therapists treat men. We’ll explore how to creatively incorporate language and imagery that make sense to men and how to help them achieve authenticity and intimacy in their relationships.

Meet the Instructor

David Wexler, Ph.D, is the executive director of the Relationship Training Institute in San Diego. He's the author of "Men in Therapy: New Approaches for Effective Treatment," "When Good Men Behave Badly: Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship," "Is He Depressed or What?" and "STOP Domestic Violence."

Learning Objectives

1. Describe four contemporary insights about male psychology and how to integrate them into your couples work.

2. List three examples of “guy talk” that engages men and helps bring out their best qualities.

3. Explain the concept of the “broken mirror” and how it can be used to reach men more effectively.

Course Contents

Session 1: Understanding “Good Men Behaving Badly” * The shame of masculinity * Masculine gender role stress * The “broken mirror” sequence * The power of women.

Session 2: Rules of Engagement * Typical male counseling-o-phobia * Respecting “relational dread” * Guy talk for engaging men in treatment * Respecting resistance.

Session 3: When women treat men/diversity issues and treating men * Countertransference and challenges * When men “come on” to female therapists * Cultural sensitivity and cultural competence * Therapist/client matching issues * Alpha errors and beta errors.

Session 4: Relationship authenticity and relationship intimacy * The authentic self and the authentic other * The four pillars of intimacy * Intimacy: action steps * Emotional honesty and behavioral honesty * True love.

The current issue of Psychotherapy Networker has a special section on men (The Secret World of Men: What therapists need to know). One of the articles - and a very good one in my opinion - is Shame-O-Phobia by David Wexler (I think it is free to read online even for non-subscribers).

Here is a bit of the article:

Men who've experienced toxic doses of shame early in life will do anything to avoid reexperiencing it as they grow older. It can originate from family experiences, from peer experiences, or just from the culture at large. A shamed boy becomes a hypersensitive man, his radar always finely tuned to the possibility of humiliation. His reaction to slights—perceived or real—and his ever-vigilant attempts to ward them off can become a kind of phobia. Tragically, the very men who are most desperate for affection and approval are the ones who usually can't ask for it: instead, they project blame and rejection and perceive the worst in others. Sometimes the smallest signs of withdrawal of affection will trigger old wounds, and they'll suddenly lash out at those they see as slighting them, even as they're unaware of the dark feelings stirring inside them. This is a state of mind that many of us in the field call shame-o-phobia, an endemic condition throughout Guy World.

With their profound fear of appearing weak or—god forbid!—feminine, most men will do whatever it takes to prove their manhood. In one recent study, men were assigned to three different groups and given the task of keeping their hand in painfully icy water for as long as they could. Those who were told that the ability to withstand the discomfort was a measure of male sex hormones and an index of physical fitness showed greater cardiovascular reactivity, reported feeling more performance expectations, and kept their hand in the water the longest. This was in contrast to the group who were told the test was a measure of high levels of female sex hormones and the ability to bond with children, and with the third group, who received no explanation at all.

What does this tell us? The length of time a guy will tough it out with his hand submerged in freezing water depends on whether he thinks his masculinity is in question. For some men, their hand could fall off before they'd risk the shame of not seeming "man enough" to take it.

Women feel shame, too, of course, and much of the emotional experiences for men and women are more similar than not. But there are still some fundamental differences in how men are both hardwired and acculturated that can't be ignored in the therapist's office. Even as infants, boys are more overstimulated by direct eye contact and show less ability to regulate arousal through intimate connection. These infant boys then grow up in a Guy World culture that emphasizes successful performance and deemphasizes reliance on others as a way to self-realize. Furthermore, evolutionary psychology teaches us that men are wired for procuring and performing (while females are wired for tending and befriending)—a trait that may provide a biological backdrop to the modern male focus on success. Without that, he ain't much—or so he feels.

To ignore the powerful effect of shame-o-phobia is to risk not really "getting" men, even if you happen to be a man yourself. An otherwise benign or mildly embarrassing event—like carrying the purse across the plaza, or a daughter who isn't having a good time at a Halloween party—can overactivate a man's fear that he's failing at some central task of being a real man.

The Broken Mirror

A metaphor from self-psychology, the broken mirror, is particularly helpful in understanding the dynamics of male shame. This sensitivity to shame—to feeling incompetent, not valuable, unloved, unneeded, unimportant—is often governed by the psychological relationships with mirroring-self objects in our lives. It works like this: the response from others serves as a mirror, reflecting an image that governs our sense of well-being. Sensitivity to mirroring-self objects and broken mirrors isn't gender-specific, but men are more vulnerable to experiencing these mirrors as referenda on their performance and personal value. When the mirror image is negative (or is perceived as negative), the reflection can reactivate a man's narcissistic injury and deliver a blow to his feeling of competence. There's no more potent a mirror for a man than the one reflected by his intimate partner. If she (or he, in a gay relationship) is unhappy, he's failed. If she offers even a normal, nonabusive criticism, it's as if she's yelling at him: "You've failed at making me happy." And the shame-o-phobic man, vulnerable to broken mirrors and narcissistic injuries, will hear that message whether it's unintended or not.

A few years ago, I was interviewed on a radio show about the psychological concept of the broken mirror. Afterward, the (male) interviewer said to me off-air: "Damn! Now I get what happened to me yesterday! I came out of the bathroom after shaving and I'd nicked myself a little on the cheek. My girlfriend looked up at me and said ÔWhat happened to you? That's the second time you've done that this week?' And I just went off. I started yelling at her, and then I stormed off, and our plans for the day were ruined. And it was all because I had a manhood attack. I know she didn't mean anything like that, but that's what I heard. What the hell's wrong with me?"

This man experienced his girlfriend's comments as a stab at his masculinity. It was as if she'd said, "What kind of loser are you that you can't even shave properly? Any man should be able to pull that off!" To a guy whose self-esteem—particularly his masculine self-image—feels vulnerable (this includes most men), this simple interchange, silly as it sounds, can feel like as an unbearable assault. My radio interviewer, as best as I could tell, didn't suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder, nor was he particularly outside the norm. He experienced the broken mirror and reacted in ways that are typical, in one form or another, for many of us men.

Men and Therapy

The field of counseling and psychotherapy hasn't done a particularly good job of creating a user-friendly environment for male clients. The problem begins with a lack of awareness about the profound impact of shame-o-phobia and the vulnerability to broken mirrors. Furthermore, there's a mismatch between the relational style of many men and the touchy-feely atmosphere of most counseling and psychotherapy.

Think of what we typically ask a man to do in therapy settings: recognize that something is wrong with him, admit that he needs help, openly discuss and express his emotions, get vulnerable, and depend on someone else for guidance and support—all extremely challenging tasks in Guy World.

Too often therapists—both male and female—try to massage men into being more like women in the ways they express themselves and experience their emotions. So it isn't surprising that only one-third of psychotherapy clients are men. Either men have fewer psychological problems (not likely!), or else many are too turned off by the whole therapy enterprise to seek the help they need. In fact, men usually get therapy only because someone else has insisted on it. When I ask men in an initial therapy session, "What are you doing here?" the answer I hear is "My wife told me I needed to be here." Other times, it may be their boss or their grandmother or their doctor, or even a probation officer. They perceive the decision to use the therapeutic services and the process of using them to be not particularly helpful and not particularly masculine—often even downright threatening. It's our job, as counselors and therapists, to adapt our approach to these realities.

Part of what makes treating men challenging is that they generally don't signal their psychic pain as clearly and straightforwardly as women. In the postfeminist turmoil of shifting relationship dynamics, men have been struggling to find a way to relate intelligently, parent sensitively, and manage their emotional needs with more consciousness and depth. Many of us haven't figured out a way to do all these things and still really feel like men. Author William Pollack describes men's anger as their "way of weeping"—an expression of underlying pain that women would more likely display with tears or more direct expressions of sadness and loss. Men also "weep" by drinking, withdrawing, acting defensive, blaming others, getting irritable, being possessive, working excessively, becoming overly competitive, suffering somatic complaints and insomnia, and philandering.

As therapists, we have two choices: shoehorn men into a process that's traditionally been more user-friendly for females, or reshape what we do and how we present it to better reach male clients.

Read the whole article.

One of the concepts he mentions in this brief section of the much longer article is the narcissistic wound. The following is a good explanation of the narcissistic wound, from Linda Marks, which is a very central concept in Psychosynthesis (primal wounding), Self Psychology (see Philip Cushman's Why the self is empty: Toward a historically situated psychology), and many other therapeutic models.

The wound to heart and psyche that gets called narcissism occurs when a child's vulnerable and developing core sense of self is not seen and reflected back by the adults around him/her. Each child is born a unique individual with special gifts and personal challenges, multi-layered and both simple and complex. For any one layer to develop, that part of the child needs to be seen, heard, understood and valued. Parents have to be present to be mirrors—to bear witness and reflect back. Healthy parents help young people build a frame of reference for living.

A child needs a safe context in which to explore and express his/her core sense of self. A child needs adults who are themselves grounded in who they are so they have emotional and psychic space to be receptive to the individual child at any moment, rather than relating to the child from their own unmet needs. Any one adult may be capable of seeing and developing certain aspects of a child, and less equipped to see and develop other ones. In this sense, it does take a village to raise a child, and with the loss of this village and the committed long-term adult relationships the village offers to a child, many levels of the child's developing self will be missed entirely.

When a parent's own woundedness and unmet needs override their ability to be present to a child or a parent's undeveloped parts of self render them unable to respond to a child's vulnerable and authentic needs, the child's core sense of self can be lost, fragmented or undeveloped. The loss, fragmentation and lack of development of the core sense of self is the root of the narcissistic wound. Raw, broken, undeveloped and lost, we enter a cold cruel world ill-equipped to relate, define fulfillment from the inside out and connect with the spirit of life.

A significant part of this process, the "fragmentation and lack of development of the core sense of self," which stems from the narcissistic wound, is the source of our subpersonalities, especially the manager parts - for me it is the inner critic (and the perfectionist), while for others it might be the pleaser (seeking to please everyone to avoid shame or abandonment), or the pusher (seeking recognition to avoid shame or abandonment).

Anyway, I highly recommend this article, and Wexler's books.

Tags: psychology, men, therapy, masculinity, self, narcissism, narcissistic wound, broken mirror, David Wexler Ph.D., Men in Therapy in the 21st Century, Psychotherapy Networker, Self Psychology, Shame-O-Phobia, Why men fear therapy, telecourse, Men in Therapy, New Approaches for Effective Treatment, When Good Men Behave Badly, Change Your Behavior, Change Your Relationship, Is He Depressed or What?

Jacques Henri Taylor - Training Your Body Is Training Your Mind

I am a huge fan of exercise and fitness, especially weight training. I often advocate for that here - men need to be physically healthy to be intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. It's all connected, and more importantly, those last three rely on the body for their foundation and expression. A healthy body improves function in all other areas of our lives.

Like the author of this article, however, it took me a while to realize that HOW I train impacts all those other areas of my life. If I am persistent and disciplined, those traits translate into other areas of my life. But if I am obsessive and unforgiving, those too will translate into other areas of my.

My tendency was to go "balls out" in every workout, always seeking to lift more weight, heavier weight, day after day. Progressive resistance is crucial to progress - but so are rest days, periodization, and knowing when to back off to prevent injuries or overtraining.

After a while, my Buddhist practice in seeking the middle way influenced by weight training, and that influence shifted back to my practice, my relationships, and other areas of my life. This article from Huffington Post makes some of the same points, but goes more toward Anusara Yoga.

Training Your Body is Training Your Mind

Jacques Henri Taylor

Posted: May 27, 2010

I enjoy moving my body in a variety of ways: trail running, climbing, weight training, biking, swimming, mountaineering, playing games, etc. I find it satisfying to experience the challenges that these activities present and the strength, speed, agility, and skill required to manage those challenges. Some days the challenges feel more inspiring than others, but the idea is to always strive for improvement in some way. About 9 years ago, I began to wonder if there were ways to train the mind to be more flexible, creative, pleasurable, and less irritable. To my delight, I found several wonderful tools to train my mind. What surprised me was that training my mind made me question how I trained my body. I began to wonder if the "more is better", "always strive for improvement", "good things come to those that suffer", "go hard or go home" mentality that accompanied my physical training was necessary to achieve my goals. I also wondered if there are consequences to training within that context.

Then my heart-light flipped on. Here's why. The brain is very much like skeletal muscle in that it adapts according to how it is or is not being used. The parts of your brain that you use a lot get bigger, richer, and more fortified. The basic structures of the brain (neurons) can change size and how they connect to each other based on when and how much they are used. That means if your circumstances trigger the "I'm stressed out" parts of your brain a lot, the areas and structures responsible for the "I'm stressed out" experience will get bigger and more efficient. By the same token, if your circumstances do not trigger the "I feel great" parts of your brain, "I feel great" areas will get smaller and less efficient. So there seems to be an anatomical reason for why regularly practicing positive thoughts tends to make us feel better for longer periods of time and why when we are sad or stressed for long periods of time, it is hard to feel better. But wait, there's more.

It turns out that the same parts of the brain that are active in cognitive function - which include the emotional centers of the brain - are active during movement. In other words, exercise not only trains the musculoskeletal and cardiovascular systems, movement also trains the brain. Specifically, exercise trains the brain to think, feel, and perceive in the way that is chosen (by default or intension) during the exercise. In this way, the mental processes that are active during exercise (including your emotions, attitudes, perspectives) are being encouraged to develop. The more we practice those mental processes linked to the physical exercise, the more our neuroanatomy shifts toward the structures needed for those processes. In addition, muscles contracting during exercise produce hormones that, among other things, travel to the brain to help the neurons grow and form the connections needed to fortify the practiced experience. In other words, as we exercise the body, muscles produce hormones that provide the opportunity to the shape the brain. As the brain changes, so does the mind (and vice versa). What this means is that there is no separation of body and mind. Your mind is being trained as you move your body whether you know it or not.

We have a plethora of opportunities to train the continuum of body and mind. In meditation, we are mindfully still. What about mindful motion, especially in challenging physical environments like exercise? Exercise is a huge opportunity to train the mind to be supple, creative, open, resilient, generous, and compassionate even under challenging circumstances. How can we orchestrate salubrious interactions between the continuum of non-physical mind and physical body? By strategically placing our minds as specifically as we place our limbs and move our joints. By paying attention to the pulse of the mind with the same awareness as the pulse of our hearts. Making choices about our attitudes and emotions during exercise is just as important as proper physical form and posture.

This continuum of body and mind training is brilliantly embodied in Anusara Yoga. My first experience with Anusara Yoga was in Costa Rica with BJ Galvan as my instructor. I was profoundly affected by the experience. What was so intriguing, soothing, and transformative was that with every muscular contraction and joint position that was emphasized, BJ also cued us to precisely tune our minds. We focused on perspectives that are life-affirming, positive, and compassion toward self and others. For example, contracting the muscles that extend the spine where associated with "inner body bright" - an appreciation of your shinning energy and brilliance. The retraction of the shoulder blades and placement of the hands in preparation for a hand stand became synonymous with "the way you relate to your community and your commitment to your community". We were strategically being offered an opportunity to condition our minds as specifically as we were conditioning our bodies. If physical and non-physical are opposites, then we were experiencing the union of the two. Like yoking opposites. We even had chances to experience the continuum of physical and mental challenges in a unique way. For example, the class was about to do hand stands. This was a first for me and I thought it would be very challenging. So I began my typical mental preparation to over come doubt, trying to shout down fear, getting ready to muscle it out, etc. BJ, without judgement, presented another way of doing this. I was inverted with my inner body bright, relating to my community, hands and feet on the floor, preparing to grunt and hoist my legs up. BJ asked me to place my right leg on her hand and "open to grace" as I pushed my leg down on her hand to elevate my legs over my torso. And just like that, I was in an easy hand stand. BJ and Anusara provided the physical and mental tools to flourish through the heart. As I experienced, all challenges do not require great effort to surmount. One just needs great perspectives, tools, and to, as BJ says, "Melt your heart."

Tags: Jacques Henri Taylor, Training Your Body Is Training Your Mind, weight training, fitness, personal growth, psychology, brain, balance, Buddhism, middle way, neuroscience, body-mind, Anusara Yoga, Huffington Post

Derek Markham (Natural Papa) - Manly Skill: Become an Authentic Man

Excellent article from Derek Markham at Natural Papa - a very good blog if you are not already reading it. This is sort of a promotion for Jayson Gaddis, an excellent coach, and Tripp Lanier’s The New Man podcast - but that's cool with me.

The real point is that men sometimes need to get an outside opinion - and we need to be open to that outside information if our goal is to become better men. I think most of us want to be better men, so it's all good. We take the help that fits for us.

Manly Skill: Become an Authentic Man

by Derek Markham

In my reading, both on the web and in print, I’ve come across two basic types of men: those who believe that their development as a person and as a man is finished (and anyone who thinks differently is some kind of girly-man or should ‘get over it’), and those who are willing to go deeper – to explore their shadow side, their weaknesses and fears – in order to grow into the man they know they are capable of. To be an authentic man.

I used to be one of the first types, making fun of guys who want to ‘get in touch’, to express themselves, to be vulnerable, honest, and authentic. But through my reaction to a series of events in my life, I came to learn that I was being held back by beliefs that I picked up from society, and that I was living my life in reaction to the world. I wasn’t making choices based on what I truly wanted and believed in, but rather simply reacting, and not in ways that were fulfilling to me or were for my best interests.

So I started looking around at what other men had written or spoken of in regards to the journey of a man – or rather the journey from boy to man. And honestly, 10+ years ago, all the things I heard ran counter to what my heart was telling me – that men are different than women, that they have a different language and different needs than women do. Mostly what I found were focused around taking the lessons that women have learned in empowerment, and putting a male spin on them. This felt wrong. It still does.

I saw quite a few women who had really broken free of the negative gender stereotypes, had claimed their power, and were doing great work for and with women. But I didn’t see any male role models that I felt drawn to – they were either selling a ‘magic pill’, were complete ass-hats and focused on the shallow end of the psyche, or were completely unbelievable.

Because of that, I decided that I needed to just work on myself and find my own way. During that time of my life – about a decade – I read extensively in the great spiritual texts, especially the Eastern religious traditions which were fully focused on the inner game, not the outer rituals. I practiced Hatha yoga, experimented with Qi Gong, and learned to meditate. I also spent years pursuing the elusive (false) feeling of enlightenment that came through psychedelics, but realized that no matter how profound the experience, you always came down, and it isn’t really possible to stay in that place (though many people try to).

Further along, I discovered the Lakota ceremonies of sweat lodge, crying for a vision, and Sundance, which enabled me to bridge the gap between the physical and the spiritual. I learned the feeling of letting go of my expectations, pushing through my physical suffering, and trusting fully in the power of faith, prayer, and intention. I also learned the true meaning of community – gaining a chosen family, with every man my brother and every older man my uncle or grandfather.

And through it all, the challenges of marriage and fatherhood put me to the test – many times leading me to believe that somehow I wasn’t good enough, that who I was wasn’t competent, because I would still react in ways that were not fully authentic, not fully empowered. There were many times that I wanted to run away to my ‘cave’, to head out to the mountains or desert to live the life of a hermit. I never acted on those impulses, but seeing the urge to do so showed me some things about myself that I was busy trying to deny.

Read more . . . .

Tags: Derek Markham, Natural Papa, Manly Skill, Become an Authentic Man. Jayson Gaddis, Tripp Lanier, coaching, The New Man Podcast, masculinity, manliness, personal growth

Shawn Phillips - Igniting the Flame of Intensity: The Spiritual Journey of a New Kind of Bodybuilder

This is an older interview with Shawn Phillips from What Is Enlightenment? or EnlightenNext, or whatever it is they call themselves these days.

Shawn is a wise and cool guy - and he has the best abs I have ever seen on someone not taking steroids. He talks in this interview about the spirituality of weight training, something with which I totally resonate. Check out his Full Strength Life website and his blog, Start Strong Monday. The article mentions ABSolution, his first book, but not Strength for Life, his better book.

Igniting the Flame of Intensity

The Spiritual Journey of a New Kind of Bodybuilder

An interview with Shawn Phillips
by Ross Robertson

“My life, while out of the ordinary, does not feel like a hero's journey to me,” wrote bodybuilder, businessman, and fitness author Shawn Phillips in an email to me the day before our interview. But as someone who has seen pictures of Phillips with his shirt off, I reserve the right to disagree. If heroism can be measured by the size of a man's “six-pack,” Mr. Phillips would give Hercules a run for his money. Yet for this truly original yogi of the weight room, a jaw-dropping Olympian physique is but the material reward of a lifetime devoted to the mastery of an inner fire.

“Focus is the spark that ignites the flame of intensity,” he writes in one of his more than seventy-five articles, and he's not just talking about muscle development. Sure, weightlifting is his profession, and he made a name for himself by helping to bring the sport into the mainstream with his brother Bill, founder of both performance-nutrition company EAS and Muscle Media magazine, and author of the New York Times bestseller Body for Life. But in the gym, Shawn Phillips is more sensei than jock. His principles of Focused Intensity Training, which he has developed over the course of the last twenty years, are designed “to deepen the impact of people's training—physically, mentally, and spiritually,” he says. “Simply stated, I'm seeking to integrate the principles and practices of the martial arts into an activity that millions of people already do each day.”

Coming from a man who sees strength training as a legitimate path to spiritual deliverance—and whose generosity and lighthearted humor are every bit as noteworthy as his muscle definition—it's no surprise that the title of his book, ABSolution (2002), is a conscious pun. Founder of www.nutros.com (a resource for expert knowledge on performance supplements), Phillips is currently finishing up a new book officially introducing Focused Intensity Training to the world, and he's also developing a complete ITP (Integral Transformative Practice) program in conjunction with Ken Wilber's Integral Institute.

As we began our conversation, this reluctant hero did admit to at least some measure of greatness: “I do accept that in a field that is without the structure and heritage of martial arts, I am considered a 'master' by many.” But nothing could have prepared me for just how innovative, just how limit-smashing, his journey across the inner frontiers of weightlifting would turn out to be . . .

Excerpted from the interview:

WIE: How did you first get involved with the practice of strength training?

PHILLIPS: I took up weightlifting in college, and it soon became my passion. I was getting into intense daily workouts— all-encompassing energy events—and I'd spend hour after hour studying the body. I wanted to be a professional bodybuilder, and although I knew I was never going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger—I didn't have the genetic capacity to be huge—I also knew that I could have a great physique. So I thought, “What about this Frank Zane guy?”* At 180 pounds, he looked amazing, like a living Greek sculpture. And at the center of his perfectly symmetric physique were abs that just pulled your eyes in like a magnet. He had a trademark pose called “the vacuum” where he could literally draw his entire midsection up into his rib cage. His abs seemed to disappear right before your eyes. It was actually a bit on the freaky side, but I was inspired by the power of the connection between mind and body that gave him this amazing ability to control his abdominal muscles. So I decided that's what I would do. I spent two hours a night in the gym for six months learning to independently control every muscle fiber in my abs. I could literally pull up one ab at a time and drop it down again like a shutter.

WIE: That's amazing!

PHILLIPS: Yeah. These days I like to say, “That and two-fifty will get me a cup of coffee at Starbucks.” But it did teach me the power of single-minded focus, and the clarity that comes from that. For those times, I was free of the stresses and concerns of a young life. You know, an intense workout could cure my ego ills for two or three days. It was just like armor plating. When I would leave the gym, it was with all the confidence and ignorance of a warrior. I mean, I felt like there was nothing I could not achieve. And that was a lasting sensation—a tangible, incredible, deep state of ecstasy. When you train like that, it makes you feel so strong and powerful that you can walk into a room and your little tiny fear-based self actually recedes far enough into the background that there's space for you to be present. I didn't have to be aggressive physically and I didn't have to be outspoken. I didn't have to be anything, because my presence alone made its own statement.

WIE: How did you develop such an unusual intensity of focus?

PHILLIPS: It was mostly an intuitive thing. When I was nineteen, I had to drive twenty minutes to the gym, and on the way there I'd go through a preparation ritual—snacking on a baked potato, meditating on the challenge, setting my intention for the day, and visualizing the result. I also developed breathing rituals—I was very specific in how I would breathe and engage the weights. At the time, it wasn't unusual for me to squat 750 pounds, and when you're pulling that kind of weight, it absolutely demands a ritual level of focus. You have to pull every bit of energy from everywhere you can in the world. And you know that if you allow anything to come into your head other than what you are doing, there is no way you will be able to do it. You will be crushed.

I was very fortunate to engage and ingrain this depth of intensity and focus early on, because now I can access that space at will. When I give lectures today, I tell people it's not about the amount of weight you lift—I can take a five-pound weight and just fire every single cell and fiber in my bicep. It's about developing and mastering a mind-body neurological connection. From the beginning, what I was connecting with in the gym was a universal energy source. I would just feel it flowing. Even when I was twenty years old, I called the gym my church. When I was there, it wasn't about being social; it was about doing my practice. I was in it. I was in the zone. I remember being so tuned in to people's energy levels, I could read the emotional state of every person who walked by me. If I traveled to New York City, I'd have to go in and out of the stores because I couldn't handle being on the street too long.

WIE: Do you mean that through your physical practice you had developed some sort of psychic capacity?

PHILLIPS: Yes. I could sense body energies—good, bad, and otherwise—and I would get overwhelmed by them. I think it was a natural result of that deep connection and clearing of the mind. From the time I was eighteen until I was probably twenty-three or twenty-four, I was in the gym every day practicing for two hours or more. It wasn't unusual for me to go three hours, because I didn't have as much to do in those days, and I just got into a state of such ecstasy and flow that it was like, “Who the heck wants to leave that?” Kids these days go to raves and dances. For me, this was the rave culture sans the drugs—an environment for creating some incredibly heightened states.

WIE: You've said that it took twenty years of weightlifting for you to realize that what you were doing was spiritual practice. How did you come to that recognition?

PHILLIPS: Well, I was raised with absolutely no background in anything spiritual. And looking back, I can see that through my late teens and early twenties, the feeling of strength and power I got through the weightlifting kind of served that purpose. It was essential support for an evolving self that was still very tentative; it provided the confidence and courage to explore in the face of fear, to push the limits.

I did eventually check out the world of professional bodybuilding, spending about a year in Venice, California, moving and training in those circles. I can remember hanging out at a bar one night with three pro bodybuilders. One was wearing a gold medal around his neck from the world championships, and the others were talking about how they wouldn't waste their energy on sex and how much work the girl would have to do. Looking across the table, I realized I was looking at three twelve-year-olds, and I went home, packed my car, and left the next day. I still don't use the term “bodybuilder” because of its association with that subculture. It's a freaky subculture—a single line of development gone wrong.

That was a turning point for me, because I began to see the infinite weakness of ego and my dependence on it for emotional fuel and passion. I couldn't give up what it was I did every day, but I was struggling with the motivation. I knew instinctively that I had to replace the fear-based charge of the ego with a truly healthy purpose and intention. But how do you replace ego motivation with higher inspiration? That's a big question. It had to be for me—not for others, not for the ego, not to impress, but for my own internal strength of body and mind.

When I started to meditate ten years ago, I recognized that quiet space of mind as the state I had been cultivating in the gym all along. But it has only been in the last five or six years that I've really become conscious of the spiritual significance of my physical training. Six years ago, I suffered a really serious injury—I tore my tricep off and had to be rushed into surgery. That was the first time in fifteen years I'd been without my practice and I thought that maybe it would be great to just get out of the gym and be away from it. But so many other things in my life began to unravel that I was forced to reflect more deeply on what the practice meant to me. And I realized that my commitment to quieting my mind and strengthening my body and spirit through weightlifting has been the stabilizing factor in my life, the one thing that has kept my head above water, growing and evolving and seeing. Without it, I wouldn't have bought into anything else. I wouldn't have opened up to anything else.

WIE: How did your practice change through this transition? Can you describe what it's like today?

PHILLIPS: As I've grown over the years, I've brought greater intention and awareness to practices that were intuitive before. Simply put, it's mindful weight training. My workout still begins with a mental preparation ritual where I concentrate my attention and focus my intention. This includes dedicating the training to something or someone else to bring in some force. For example, right now my father is very ill, and I'll use that as a dedication. You can only push yourself so hard for your own good. But if you put it in a context of greater good for the world, or for someone else, it's a different story. You can literally double the output of the exercise.

As I warm up, I go through visualizations of universal energy pouring through my body at the gross, subtle, and causal levels. Then, during the routine, I alternate back and forth between two states of consciousness—from a highly focused intensity to a receptive or recovery state of broad awareness. I use a rhythm of engaging and disengaging fully on each set, lifting the weights in a very quiet but intensely focused state of calm, imagining beams of light running through the muscle into infinity. The energy is all single-pointed, flowing through a spot at the center of the muscle being activated. After the set is complete, I'll pull back to a recovery state of open, mindful awareness and perform ten or fifteen centering breaths. Then I'll do three intense charging breaths, establish conscious contact with the ground, and discharge the energy with an explosion of commitment as I engage back into the next set. And I always end with a short meditation.

WIE: It seems like what you keep coming back to is the state of consciousness that you discover and rediscover when you break through the boundaries of physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual inertia—the sense that anything is possible, and the experience of release and bliss and well-being that comes with that.

PHILLIPS: Absolutely. That's the core of it. Through this practice, my understanding of the scope of human potential has transformed. It's no longer just about the size of one's biceps, but about the nearly unlimited potential of the mind, body, and spirit—the full potential of being. It goes way beyond the physical self—this is a transcendent state of recognizing Big Mind. There is a connection running through these states, a pattern of higher energy that gets ingrained and grounds you as part of a universal whole.

If people don't have an intimate relationship with physical intensity, there tends to be a pattern or a habit of withdrawing from or dissociating from the pain of it. But it's so interesting when you draw yourself into the pain. It demands sacrifice. When you draw yourself into the physical pain, you move into a joyful state. It's a powerfully inspiring feeling, to move in and really focus on it. Because if you're training a muscle, and every bit of psychic energy that you can pull and master is on that particular point, that's pleasure. It's a level of ecstasy that can't help but have a lasting impact.

So many thousands of times, I've seen “average” people awakened by a vision of something bigger than they'd ever dreamed of. For millions more in gyms across the country, this kind of total engagement of body, mind, and spirit has the power to transform—and the greatest impact is rarely in the weight room. Even when all else seems to be going against you, focused, mindful training can facilitate a deep and ever-expanding spiritual life. We've all slipped into the zone by accident at one time or another, feeling invincible, calm, and clear, as if everything is going in slow motion and we can do no wrong. But you can reach a delicious state of flow every day if you want to, and show up in life—in relationship, in business, in conversation—with a full and vibrant state of presence.

Tags: weight training, strength, spirituality, personal growth, Shawn Phillips, Igniting the Flame of Intensity, Spiritual Journey of a New Kind of Bodybuilder, Ross Robertson, ABSolution, Strength for Life, Full Strength Life, Start Strong Monday

Secret Lives of Men - 2nd National Psychotherapy with Men Conference

Interesting discussion - I wish I could go to the conference.

Secret Lives of Men

2nd National Psychotherapy with Men Conference: Aaron Rochlen

5/18/2010
Length: 30 min

Description: Join my guests Aaron Rochlen Ph.D., & Mark Stevens Ph.D., to discuss the upcoming 2nd "National Psychotherapy with Men Conference" at UT, Austin, June 5th, 2010.

Brochure & complete schedule.

Tags: men, psychology, conferences, Secret Lives of Men, 2nd National Psychotherapy with Men Conference, Aaron Rochlen, Mark Stevens

Do Men Really Think About Sex Every Seven Seconds?

It's good to see another man (as well as Snopes) disputing the dumbass claim that men think about sex every seven seconds, or whatever it is. People actually take this number seriously. I have often argued that I don't even think about sex seven times a day, let alone every seven seconds. Damn, more than 8.5 times a minute? Not even close.

Snopes has the lowdown on this myth:

Daydream Deceiver

Claim: On average, men think about sex every seven seconds.

Status: False.

Origins: We've no idea how long this "everybody knows" misconception has been around, but we've certainly been hearing it ourselves since we were kids, and that was decades upon decades ago.

Depending on which version you've encountered, the amount of time between naughty male thoughts will be stated differently, with "every three minutes," "every eight seconds," and "every fifteen seconds" giving "every seven seconds" a run for its money as the top finisher in this category. The number itself doesn't matter; it's the aura of authority with which the claim is invariably stated, as if this were an undisputed fact backed by scientific research.

Though steamy-minded men might be a nice concept to be enthralled by (also to come home to, but I digress), the theory doesn't hold up. According to the Kinsey Institute's FAQ, "54% of men think about sex every day or several times a day, 43% a few times per month or a few times per week, and 4% less than once a month." Though no one can swear to how often a particular thought flashes through any one guy's head, it's pretty clear from the Kinsey statement that the majority of the gender is not being overcome with naughty imaginings every seven seconds, as slightly less than half of them don't think about sex even as much as once a day.

Even if Kinsey's research is not accurate in this regard, those who assert the "seven seconds" claim was gleaned from the Kinsey Report are clearly mistaken. That connection is not hard to understand, because the Kinsey Report (more properly, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, first published in 1948, and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, first published in 1953) is considered the bible of sex research. A sex research statistic will therefore be assumed to have come from this source.

Why is this baseless belief as prevalent as it is? Its popularity stems in part from what is widely believed about men: that their behaviors are more sexually motivated than those of women, with this heightened impetus being attributable to how males of our species are physically wired rather than to matters of conscious choice or societal conditioning. A statistic of this nature works to confirm that assumption by overlaying a patina of faux science onto the "Men think of nothing but sex, sex, sex!" caricature we've become deeply enamored of.

As fun as that dismissal of the myth is, the Mancouch is even better - this guy thinks like I do, and he breaks down the numbers into their absurdity:

"Men Think About Sex Every Sex Sexonds"

I would like to debunk the so-called statistic or myth that every man thinks about sex every six seconds.

Think about it: would society evolve at all if we thought about sex that much? Probably not. I love women and all, but every man has his priorities on other things than sex. There's food, after all.

But more importantly, SCIENCE. So excuse me for trying to make the world a better place, and not focusing solely on my primal mating instincts.

Mancouch Says: Hear, Hear!

Most men will openly admit that they enjoy sex and think about it on a regular basis, but the real interval is probably closer to a few times per day, not every six seconds. Really, who the hell came up with that number? Look at these statistics:

Every 24 hour day is equal to 86,400 seconds. 86,4000 / 6 = 14,400. Assuming our brains are doing some sort of thinking even while we're sleeping, that would mean men are thinking about sex nearly 15,000 times a day, in some form or another. How is that even possible? How could any of us get through the day without having our respective poles pointing north all the time?

That said, it's a natural thing to think about, but not to the excessive point the numbers seem to suggest. Obviously, our frontal lobes have allowed us the ability to do more than constantly act on our carnal instincts. We develop interests in music, art, science (as suggested above), and any other number of productive, non-sexual fields.

Frankly, it sounds like someone rigged the numbers to make all men seem like brutish, salivating pigs. A scorned woman, perhaps?

Either way, this statistic doesn't really mean anything. Someone could've taken a random sampling of men hanging outside a strip club and skewed the language. In the end, all that matters is the individual. I know I don't generally think about sex more than a few times a day, at least not consciously. And if that's the same for men across the board, then these numbers mean nothing.

So another two cheers for interests that aren't sex, men! Let's show the world we're more than just a good lay.

How often do you think about sex?

Tags: men, sex, stereotypes, Mancouch, Men Think About Sex Every Sex Sexonds, Snopes, Kinsey Institute's FAQ, misconception, 15000 times a day

Robert Jensen & John Stoltenberg - Feminism and Masculinity

Is feminism what men need to curb our tendencies toward aggression and violence? I don't think so - but Robert Jensen does. His version of masculinity is something akin to self-hate - that being a man is toxic.

Jensen is the author of the popular book (among feminists), Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. The following is the publisher's blurb about the book.

In our culture, porn makes the man. So argues Robert Jensen in Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity. Jensen’s treatise begins with a simple demand: “Be a man.” It ends with a defiant response: “I chose to struggle to be a human being.” The journey from masculinity to humanity is found in the candid and intelligent exploration of porn’s devastating role in defining masculinity.

Getting Off seamlessly blends personal anecdotes from Jensen’s years as a feminist anti-pornography activist with scholarly research. In his trademark conversational style, he shows how mainstream pornography reinforces social definitions of manhood and influences men’s attitudes about women and how to treat them.

Pornography is a thriving multi-billion-dollar industry; it drives the direction of emerging media technology. Pornography also makes for complicated politics. These days, anti-porn arguments are assumed to be “anti-sex” and thus a critical debate is silenced. This book breaks that silence. Alarming and thought-provoking, Getting Off asks tough, but crucial, questions about pornography, sex, manhood, and the way toward genuine social justice.

I'm sure some see him as another male feminist doing harm to the efforts of men to find and create a mature masculinity - a non-feminized masculinity. I think they have a point. In one article, in fact, he points to feminism as the answer for men to our "quagmire of masculinity."

The quagmire of masculinity

posted on Counterpunch, October 22, 2007.

by Robert Jensen

Act I

I am having dinner on a Thursday night in a restaurant in New York’s Greenwich Village with two friends I’m wor king with on a documentary on pornography. We’ve had a long day and are happy to unwind. Near the end of our meal, I’m increasingly aware of the rising volume from a nearby table, where three college-age men and a woman are tal king and laughing just a bit too loudly. As it becomes harder to shut out their conversation, it becomes clear that much of the talk is about sex. The alpha male of the group (who is the boyfriend of the woman) is holding forth to the other two men about how to maneuver women into bed, including tips on the use of alcohol and a little bit of force when necessary.

As my friends and I get up to leave, I catch the eye of the woman, inquiring silently whether her situation would be improved if we stopped by the table and said something to the men. I read, or more likely misread, her expression as an invitation to do so. I trail behind my friends and stop at the table, trying to suggest -- in light-hearted fashion that isn’t too confrontational -- that their conversation was not only inappropriate in a public place but unacceptable anywhere. The men don’t take the critique well, and the discussion heats up a bit.

Finally, the alpha male makes a move to settle things by going for what he presumes to be the ultimate insult: “All I know,” he says, smir king, “is that I’m going home with her (pointing to his girlfriend) and you’re leaving with two guys.”

Check.

I respond: “Please don’t take this personally, but I just don’t find you sexually attractive. I’m sure there will be a man who someday will, but it’s just not happening for me.”

Checkmate.

He accuses me of being gay. I accept the label and respond by telling him that, as a gay man, I can see into him and recognize him as gay as well. Not a smart move on my part, it turns out.

I quickly realize that things aren’t likely to end happily, and I make my way to the door. One of his buddies follows me and, just as I’m leaving, says, “It’s time for you to get the hell out of here.” My hand is on the first of two exit doors, pushing it open. I say to him, “Where does it look like I’m going?” He grabs me and reiterates the command to leave. I reflexively push back. “Listen son,” I start to say, reacting like an old guy to the 25 years between us. He’s bigger than me but drunk. As I push back, he starts to fall. I head for the second door just about the time my friends have come back to pull me out if necessary. As I’m wal king on the sidewalk outside, the other two young men have joined their friend in the doorway, cursing me with instructions not to come back, advice I fully intend to take. My friends hustle me away, wal king quickly to get clear of the place just in case the men decide to follow. One of my friends, Robert Wosnitzer, explains that he grew up around guys like that. “Those are the kind of guys who carry baseball bats in the trunks of their cars,” he says. “You have to be careful. They like this. They like to fight.”

Once we’re out of range, Robert and Miguel Picker turn to me and, appropriately, explain why I had better not pull such a stunt again. They count the four stupid men in that encounter: The alpha male, his two buddies, and me. They are right, of course. The fact that I wasn’t as crude and violent as the other three hardly absolves me. I had taken an unnecessary risk, putting others in a situation where they may have had to fight or be hurt, and I had done it out of the same macho posturing. Once engaged, I refused to back down, even though there was nothing positive that could come of the encounter and a real risk.

Act II

The next day I fly to an academic conference. I am still somewhat shaken by the previous night, not so much by the potential for violence (though I’m not a particularly physically courageous person) but by my own misjudgment and the lessons in that for me. It’s not what I learned about the world the previous night that upset me, but what I learned about myself.

So, I’m loo king forward to a low-key interaction with other academics, who are usually pretty harmless. At the end of that evening I’m in the hotel bar with one female and two male professors. We all seem to be of similar intellectual and political leanings, and the conversation finds its way to contemporary progressive political movements, especially the antiwar movement. I offer an analysis of the s tate of organizing in the United S tates, which one of the men takes issue with. I respond to his critique, and all of a sudden the conversation kicks into overdrive. He comes back to my points even harder, getting visibly upset. He turns the discussion from an argument about issues to an attack on me, suggesting that I lacked his experience and knowledge (he’s about a decade older).

With the previous night’s conflict on my mind, I back off a bit, responding to his arguments but trying to lower the intensity; I am not in the mood for a fight, even verbally. He presses forward even more forcefully. At this point, the other two people at the table are visibly uncomfortable. I move to end the conversation, suggesting that some of our disagreements couldn’t be resolved, that we were both arguing based on our hunches about complex processes, and that perhaps there was no point in pushing it. At this point, I don’t care about winning the argument and want to end an exchange that is uncomfortable to the others for no good reason -- no baseball bats are going to come out in this encounter, but no one is learning anything from this. He pushes one more time, implicitly demanding that I surrender to his greater knowledge and insight. One of the others finds it intolerable and leaves, and the tension finally dissipates. The conversation returns to a lower level, but it’s impossible to go back, and we quickly go our separate ways.

Act III

Sunday morning I’m on a plane heading home. Across the aisle from me is a man most easily described as a stereotypical computer nerd, in appearance and activity. He opens his laptop once we hit our cruising altitude and is buried in it the rest of the flight until the female flight attendant comes by during our descent to remind him to turn off his electronic device which might interfere with the plane’s navigational equipment. He ignores the first warning. She comes by again with a polite second warning, which he also ignores. Finally, it’s three strikes and he’s out. She stands over him and explains -- politely, but with an edge in her voice that says “enough screwing around, buddy” -- that he must shut off the computer. I’m chuckling at the scene, until I see that he’s angry. After the experience of the past couple of days, I’m not eager to be in the middle of another public expression of male dominance.

He looks up at her, his facial muscles tightening, appearing ready to tell her off, but he wisely holds his tongue. She holds her ground, and he finally backs off and powers down the laptop. Once she’s convinced he’s turned it off, she moves on. He sits, quiet but clearly struggling to control his rage. When she is out of hearing range, he looks over at me and, just loud enough for me but no one else to hear, mutters, “Bitch.” A trace of a smile comes to his lips, and he turns away from me before I can respond. In his mind, he has won. A woman had been in a position of some small authority over him and had forced him to obey her command. But, in the end, she’s just a bitch, and he’s still a man.

Masculinity in three acts: Attempts at dominance through (1) force and humiliation, (2) words and argument, and (3) raw insults. Three episodes about the ways masculinity does men in, neatly played out during one long weekend. By the time I get home, I am tired. I am sad. It feels like there are few ways out.

But there is, of course, a way out. It’s called feminism. It offers men a way to understand the nature of this toxic conception of who we are.

Feminism is a gift to men, if we are smart enough to accept it.

All three of these examples are form of immature masculinity - and feminism is not the answer. The real answer is mature masculinity.

When men are mature and self-possessed, they do not respond to aggression with aggression - when they are comfortable with intimacy, they do not need pornography - when men are mature, there is nothing toxic about masculinity.

There is another book, The End of Manhood, by John Stoltenberg, that also equates masculinity with toxicity and sees feminism as the answer (he was married to Andrea Dworkin, although he now considers himself gay). He is also author of Refusing to Be a Man, and this article (Why I Stopped Trying to Be a Real Man - published in Feminista!) plays some of the same chords:

If everyone trying to be a "real man" thinks there's someone else out there who has more manhood, then either some guy has more manhood than anybody--and he's got so much manhood he never has to prove it and it's never ever in doubt--or else manhood doesn't exist. It's just a sham and a delusion.

As I watched guys trying to prove their fantasy of manhood--by doing dirt to women, making fun of queers, putting down people of other religions and races--I realized they were doing something really negative to me too, because their fear and hatred of everything "nonmanly" was killing off something in me that I valued.

That's why I feel a connection to feminism. I want a humanity that is not measured against the cult of masculinity. I want a selfhood that does not reject fine parts of myself just because they are not "manly." I want courage to confront the things men have done in the world that are damaging to women and that are also leaving no safe space for the self I hope to be.

The kind of sexual connection that I always wanted with someone was about fairness and justice. I always thought that was the sexiest part of sex--the deepest possible feeling between two people. I thought sex and fairness should intrinsically be united, even before I knew the word "feminism."

Again, these are all examples of immature masculinity, not anything near maturity. These are little boys playing at being men.

We do not jettison the whole idea of masculinity on the basis of some clowns who have no idea what it is to be masculine.

Rather than say men are evil and masculinity is toxic, let's be more like women, and feminism is the path to that better world (please don't misunderstand me, I support equal rights and treatment for women), let's help men grow up and be mature, which means growing into a more adult masculinity, a more compassionate and loving masculinity.

Let's be clear here - men can love, honor, and respect women, treat them as equals in every way, be open and vulnerable with them, and fuck them lovingly and passionately. In fact, if we want to have the most passionate, wild, raw sex with the women we love - and the intimacy of love is crucial to doing that - we HAVE to be open and vulnerable, we HAVE to feel the passion, we HAVE to be present in ways we seldom are in our daily lives.

None of this requires feminism - it requires that we fully embrace our masculinity, and that we realize it is soft and tender as well as firm and wild. When we embrace our deeper masculine selves, the feminists might notice that we are not so bad after all.

Tags: masculinity, feminism, culture, gender roles, men, sexuality, Robert Jensen, Feminism and Masculinity, John Stoltenberg, Getting Off, Pornography and the End of Masculinity, The quagmire of masculinity, The End of Manhood, Refusing to Be a Man

Digging into the ManKind Project's Initiation Program - The Cult Beneath the Concept

I recently posted an interview with the Chairman of the ManKind Project, George Daranyi, from the Blog Talk Radio program "The Secret Lives of Men," with Chris Blazina, Ph.D.

Before getting into the interesting stuff, here is a lengthy summary of their initiation program:

A premise of the New Warrior Training Adventure was an introductory, experiential, weekend-long men’s gathering and initiation focusing on deep self-examination. This initiatory training was modeled - unconsciously, at first, and later intentionally - largely on Joseph Campbell’s cross-cultural research, and uses his stages of initiation: separation, descent, ordeal and welcoming back into the community of initiated men. Integral to the New Warrior Training Adventure was that part of initiation referred to by Campbell as the Hero’s Journey[12] and referred to by the New Warrior Training Adventure as both the Hero’s Journey and "GUTS." The Hero’s Journey, as used in this context, was an internal quest to fight one’s own internal dragons. The premise was that a man could not fight the demons of the world until he had fought and conquered his own. At the New Warrior Training Adventure, those demons were represented as "shadow." In Jungian psychology, "shadow" is that part of a person that is hidden, repressed and denied.[13] The myths of Gilgamesh, Odysseus and Perceval are often seen as symbolic of the journey of everyman. The New Warrior Training Adventure took place in a safe container in ritual space. Container is meant as a metaphor for the alchemist’s crucible, a vessel capable of containing the energetic processes of transformation. These processes had to be emotionally safe, psychologically evocative of ritual space. Ritual space is an area, removed from the mundane or ordinary reality, which has been given symbolic or sacred intent by the container. In men’s healing work, it is an area, often in a natural setting outdoors, where men can meet free from the influences of civilization within a container that feels safe and blessed, often through ritual.

The work of initiation and other men’s healing is physically, emotionally and spiritually energetic, which requires a substantial container. Initiation of men, as used here, means a process used to transmit and model a healthy understanding of what it means to be a man. It includes rituals, activities and ceremonies designed to create a meaningful sense of inclusion and identity as a man. This is distinct from the term "rites of passage," which connotes a focus on the societal and cultural functions of rituals and ceremonies, as written about by Van Gennep in his 1909 seminal work Rites of Passage. Initiation, as used to describe the New Warrior Training Adventure, focuses on the personal and psychological impact of the process on the individual.[14]

When Kauth, Tosi and Hering first explored creating a workshop, there was no consideration that it would have been an initiatory process. Whatever else any of them thought it might be or might become, none thought in terms of "initiation." As Tosi said regarding the development of the New Warrior Training Adventure in 1984, "We never heard the word ‘initiation."[15] When asked about initiation and if he was aware the New Warrior Training Adventure was an initiatory process, Kauth offered, "That’s really a key question … because I don’t remember any of us thinking in those terms. All we knew was that, intuitively, this was something important to do."[16]

The founders did not understand they were reinventing initiation for their time. Joseph Henderson wrote in 1967, "Initiation, more than any other body of knowledge, has suffered throughout history from the fate of continually being forgotten and having to be rediscovered."[17]

That those involved in the New Warrior Training Adventure later came to understand the concept of initiation, and how they came to understand it, is beyond the scope of this paper. However, an understanding of the nature of initiation and the New Warrior Training Adventure as an initiatory experience is critical to placing the New Warrior Training Adventure in an historical context. As the New Warrior Training Adventure was an initiatory experience, it should be recognized that the men who offered the experience were initiators, in this case, initiators of men.

This is all very basic information.

However, an anonymous reader/commenter on the original post suggested I might want to dig a little deeper into The ManKind Project before endorsing them or giving them exposure here.

I said I would, and that I would post about what I found. He sent me to the Rick Ross site's page on the ManKind Project - the Rick Ross site is devoted to exposing cults and pseudo-cults.

Before getting into that, here is a piece from the Daily Mail (UK) about one guy's experience in the initiation weekend - the New Warriors Training Adventure (NWTA).

My (very) weird weekend with the naked woodland warriors who travel to remote England to 'reclaim their masculinity'

By Tom Mitchelson
Last updated at 1:53 AM on 13th March 2010

How our man found himself with 65 naked men chanting, drumming - and screaming their rage against women to 'reclaim' their lost masculinity...

The temperature has plunged to freezing. I am deep in a remote English woodland outside Exeter.

I have been blindfolded and I am standing, holding hands, with a long line of men - who, until about 24 hours ago, I'd never met before.

Together, we are stumbling through the scrub as beating tribal drums guide our way. Oh yes, and we are naked. Totally naked.

Wild man: Tom Mitchelson embraces his inner warrior

Abruptly, my blindfold is ripped off and I see we have been led to a shadowy candle-lit room. There are about 65 of us in a double horseshoe formation.

This is a ceremony where we are to become 'new warriors'. And then the dancing begins.

I wish I were somewhere else. Anywhere else. So why on earth am I here?

I have signed up to the ManKind Project, an all-male group boasting 1,700 UK members that aims to release men's 'inner warrior' and reclaim their masculinity. I am about to graduate from their New Warrior training course.

It was launched in 1985 in the U.S. by a former marine, Rich Tosi, a therapist, Bill Kauth, and a university professor, Ron Hering, under the guise of providing 'educational services'.

They claim to be a not-for-profit company and nearly 40,000 men have attended their courses worldwide.

But things haven't been going well. Five years ago one of their recruits, Michael Scinto, made a complaint to the Madison County Sheriff in Texas that he'd been abused during a traumatic weekend with the project.

He subsequently committed suicide and his relatives filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the ManKind Project, which eventually settled out of court and claimed it would change certain of its practices.

I had also been tipped off by a number of concerned wives - who'd noticed disturbing changes in their husbands' behaviour since attending one of ManKind's UK weekends away.

Tom signed up to the ManKind Project, an all-male group boasting 1,700 UK members that aims to release men's 'inner warrior' and reclaim their masculinity

My aim is to go undercover to find out just how serious these allegations against them are - or whether they're just a bunch of misguided men who need a break from their women.

My first experience of the organisation is not pleasant. After signing up online to attend their initiation weekend, I am sent an intimidating amount of paperwork - including a confidentiality agreement. Of course, they have no idea I'm a journalist, and it's costing me £500 for the privilege.

Everything I read from them is baffling non-speak. They claim the weekend is a 'process of initiation and self-examination that is crucial to the development of a healthy and mature male self'.

They claim they help move men away from the 'comforting embrace' of their mother - something, on the face of it, some wives might even encourage. Then I am told I will 'confront' my 'dependence on women', to help me move into the 'masculine kingdom'.

To be honest, it all sounds absolutely ludicrous. But nothing as ludicrous as what I discover when I arrive at the training centre in the West Country.

As I enter, I am asked to line up with my fellow recruits and we are ordered to 'observe the sacred silence'.

This is all before we've been shown to where we're staying. It's all rather bizarre, as they begin a strange game where I am asked to walk up to a man who stares at me, with black camouflage paint on his face. The process is repeated again, and again.

Then I am ordered into a Dutch barn, where yet another confidentiality agreement is thrust in front of me, forbidding me to mention anything that happens over the weekend.

They seem to have a paranoid fear of anything getting out. This, I suppose, should have set even more alarm bells ringing.

Next, I am shouted at to hand over all the food I've been ordered to bring - any food, but enough for three men. I feel as if I'm on a military boot camp, although I suspect most of the participants are really just accountants from Slough.

We are all told that we are on a 'journey' and we 'will never be the same again'. Then we are led into a darkened room, where more people shout random words at us.

I seem to have wondered into a Marx Brothers film, but without the laughs.

The unnamed men, dressed in black with their black face paint, want me to hand over my mobile phone, watch, books and food. I do, but I am subjected to a complete search of my bag and my body.

They discover half a bottle of rum, notebook and pen. The faux commando is livid. He shrieks: 'Do you have problems following orders?' I nod guiltily, stunning him into silence.

We are directed to another dark room, where all the new recruits and I sit for more than an hour. In silence. At this point, I'm just wondering what on earth is going to happen next.

Suddenly, three men burst in, give me a bandana for a blindfold and take me to a place where drums are beating. I remove the blindfold to see I am surrounded by what I can only describe as the Men In Black.

Many of the men in the group talk about their relationships, work and feelings of anger and regret

A leader holding a wooden staff decorated with feathers rambles on about the mission of the weekend, using the pompous jargon that would later become very familiar: words like 'shadow', 'warriors', 'masculine', 'commitment' and 'responsibility'.

He tells us how to be a man. It's hard to take from a man wearing face paint, carrying a feathered stick.

Having finished his speech, he calls upon men at random to stand up and explain why they were there. Hard to say why, but people are starting to open their hearts.

One man cries as he answers questions about his unhappy marriage. The guards stand in a threatening circle around us, staring aggressively in silence.

I am starting to feel very uncomfortable. When I signed up for the course, they told me I couldn't drive there because there was a shortage of car-parking spaces.

Instead, I was told I should join the others on their minibus to travel several miles from the station, so it is with a sinking feeling that I realise I am stranded.

Many of the men talk about their relationships, work and feelings of anger and regret. 'Sharing', they call it. They all appeared sincere and open. Not buttoned up and repressed, but here-it-is, take-it-all, heart-on-my-sleeve types.

It is here that I learn a piece of warrior etiquette. When a brother 'shares', the correct response is to raise both hands as if surrendering and waggle your hands. At the same time, you say ' Ahho'. At first, I mishear and say 'Ahoy'.

Until the early hours of the morning, we engage in a series of exercises. I have to tell one man what makes me a man, and then wait while he tells me what makes him one, too. We are asked to describe how we fail to stand up to women.

When Tom signed up for the course, they told him he couldn't drive there because there was a shortage of car-parking spaces

'They're always getting at you to put the seat down on the loo,' one of the staff men explains by way of example. For a supposed female reign of terror, this seems a weirdly banal example.

We are told to explain to each other what type of man we are. One of my 'brothers' tells me he is a liar and cheat. I suspect he means he has had affairs.

Another tells how he feels worthless, a third man explains he doesn't know how to control his anger, and another tells me his wife won't let him ride his bike.

It's not long before the blindfold is back on and we are asked to imagine we're in an African village. To assist this illusion, the Men In Black rattle pots, flick water at us and make vocal noises to represent a bustling settlement.

It's not entirely convincing. We are asked to imagine capturing a wild man who terrorises villagers and cage him. We then have to set him free.

We have been asked to visualise meeting an animal along the way. This becomes our 'warrior' name. And I spend the rest of the time with Mighty Condor, Courageous Wolf and Intrepid Panther.

It is odd that no one opts for a sheep, wombat or guinea pig. I, however, become Relaxed Penguin. Oh Lord. Now I've written that, they can identify their Judas.

It's very late. I am tired and hungry and even my sleeping bag in a freezing yurt with strangers seems attractive. It's not. I don't sleep because, a couple of hours later, the rhythmic banging of drums begins.

A man appears at the door: 'Men, we have work to do.' We are ordered to strip and line up for a cold shower. While each man steps under the water, the others watch and count to 60.

I manage to get a few words with some of the participants and they are mostly between the ages of 35 and 45.

They are not all - as I'd supposed - saddos. They work in careers such as banking, IT, education and business and all strike me as intelligent, articulate and enthusiastic about their participation in the project. The majority seem to feel that their lives are not going as they wish.

After breakfast (a handful of nuts and a spoonful of porridge) we spend the morning sharing how we feel. We roar like lions. We talk to our childhood selves and watch the staff men act out scenes such as where one man says yes and the other says no.

Over and over. It was like watching a section of a Pinter play performed by nine-year-olds.

Then it is time for what I found one of the most disturbing parts of the weekend - where we are effectively 'broken free' of our emotional past.

We are divided into three groups, each of which has a so-called 'sacred carpet', and for about an hour each man is subjected to emotionally manipulative questioning, on the carpet, that probes into his past.

Some of the staff are very skilled at reading visual signs of hidden emotion. At times, three inquisitors demand the answers to questions that eventually leave a man weeping and apparently broken.

This is happening simultaneously on all three mats. At times, it is impossible to hear what was happening on my own mat because of the wails and screams from the other groups.

The majority of the men who participate in this spectacle positively welcome this treatment. Others appear less keen. The objective seems to be to provoke a violent reaction from the person in the circle.

One man of about 40 has an issue with his mother. He felt she had treated him badly when he was younger.

A staff man is chosen to represent the mother and, while other men stand in front of him, he is goaded to confront her by pushing through a human barrier.

Instead, he flies into an uncontrolled rage. Staff become panicked and shout 'safety' as they try to immobilise him. If these staff men have any professional training, I am unaware of it.

The qualification they seem to share is that they are graduates of the course I am now on. ManKind deny that any therapy takes place. They call it training.

Another man sobs as he is told to act out beating his stepfather and mother to death. Again, he feels that they ignored him as a child and treated him with disdain.

A third man is pinned to the floor by six men and has to wrestle his way out from under a blanket, cheered on by the watching men. It is extremely disturbing to watch.

Many of the men seem to feel they suffered mental or physical abuse from their parents. They all appear to be functioning in day-to-day life, but these horrors appear easily released under the persistent and intimate questioning of their inquisitors.

I make up a story about feeling guilty for hurting a former girlfriend. I give no specific examples, but feign deep upset. They suggest my behaviour had started in childhood. I tell them it hadn't.

Deprived of food and sleep and subjected to the raging emotions of people around him, Tom is instructed to strip, put his blindfold back on and hold the hand of the man next to him

They talk of regressing me. I don't know if these amateur psychiatrists could achieve that or not, but they opt for getting me to wrench the guilt from my stomach by wrestling a rope up through my legs being held by four men.

Most of the men I speak to afterwards seem delighted by this experience. In fact, this is a point at which some men seem to embrace the Warrior Brotherhood.

To me it seems like a way of initiating people into a kind of cult. This session is clearly designed to be the pivotal moment in the weekend.

Now comes the time when we are awarded our warrior's insignia.

Deprived of food and sleep and subjected to the raging emotions of people around me, I am instructed to strip, put my blindfold back on and hold the hand of the man next to me.

It is now we begin the walk in the woods that leads to that candle-lit ceremony where we become New Warriors.

As I am led, blindfolded, naked and freezing, I am strangely resigned to this new, weird way of life. The other men in the group are all relaxed about such a journey.

In the candle-lit room, we are led by hand around the circle of men. Our animal names are called and all the men cheer.

With horribly vivid images playing in my mind of pot-bellies, male genitalia and saggy bums, I return to my yurt and sleep for a couple of hours.

Morning arrives and, after standing in a field 'reclaiming my paternal name', we begin 'sharing' again.

At this point, we're sprayed with burning sage and instructed - naked again - to get in the sweat lodge. This is a tent heated by burning coals.

It is pitch black inside and we are told to shout blessings, make noise, howl, quote poems and sing songs. We are finally given a meal consisting of the food we brought, and then we say our goodbyes by silently staring at each staff man.

The participants hug one another and proclaim their love to their fellow brothers. They give blessings and thank each other for the 'strength' and 'joy' they have received.

I get home and close the door behind me. I have never felt so relieved to be back in the real world. It takes me two full days to get the strange mantras and patterns of speech out of my head.

The overriding message of the course seemed confused: That we were suppressed warriors and had become emasculated; that we had to reconnect with the wild man; and to get in touch with our feelings. It was 21st-century New Age meets Neanderthal man.

The cult-like intensity with which some of my fellow warriors converted to the brotherhood astonished me.

I had been given a chilling lesson in how easily - and how fast - the kind of men I rub shoulders with every day can alter: can become aggressive and subservient by turns; and gripped by something strange.

And something else shocked me. This was an organisation that aimed to tell me how to be a man.

Yet not once during that weird and frightening weekend did I ever hear it acknowledged that we men share a world. With women.

OK, so this all sounds very silly, and very "New Age men beating drums in the woods" comical, but there is something disturbing here.

This description, and in one series of posts at the Rick Ross site, seems like some nasty combination of military basic training, older forms of baptismal (which required extended study and contemplation), and Robert Bly's psychological mythology and shadow work.

What all of this has in common to me is the breakdown of individuality so that it can be reshaped through peer pressure and repetitive behaviors. This is cult-like reprogramming to me. It's worth noting that the co-founders are an ex-marine and a masters level psychotherapist. Scary combination.

I also have issues with the homophobic "reparative therapists and their supporters (e.g., Joe Nicolosi, Richard Cohen, Arthur Goldberg, Paul Miller) [who] recommend NWTA as a way to reduce same-sex attractions" (via Warren Throckmorton). These people are evil - and if they are promoting this program (even though MKP claims to be gay/bi friendly), it makes me even more wary of what they are doing.

They say all the right things on the surface, which is how they attract what can only be called "victims." I know one man who has done this program and leads a MKP group - he is now divorced after repeated affairs (he is likely a sex addict), but until now I did not connect the MKP training to his behavior (he never gave details on the training, although he did invite me to attend a NWTA weekend). I do not think this is coincidence.

These two articles from Warren Throckmorton look at some of the initiation procedures they use (I encourage readers to check them out - these techniques should not be used in this format - it's no wonder Michael Scinto killed himself after a training in 1997):

Mankind Project technique – “Bucketing,” Part One
Mankind Project technique – “Bucketing,” Part One

Both of these techniques are therapy - and the people doing this are NOT trained therapists.

There is nothing here that I can endorse. For men who are fragile or stuck in transitional space already, these weekends could result in brain-washing or emotional breakdown - this type of group shadow work is not to be messed with by amateurs in this way. I'm guessing they are doing a lot of damage without being aware of it.

Avoid the ManKind Project - or participate with full awareness of what you are getting into.

Tags: The ManKing Project, Initiation Program, Cults, Rick Ross, New Warrior Training Adventure, initiation, Tom Mitchelson, New Age, men's groups, initiation, psychology, Warren Throckmorton, NWTA, shadow work, Robert Bly, therapy, reparation therapy, My (very) weird weekend with the naked woodland warriors who travel to remote England to 'reclaim their masculinity', masculinity, manhood, women