Conrad Liveris - Healthy Man, Healthy Mind

Men are stereotypically bad at seeking help for mental health issues - although that is changing with the younger generation of men who have grown up with one or both parents in therapy, and quite possibly having been sent to therapists by their parents at some point.

As men, we need to support each other in being able to discuss mental health issues. This article from the Good Men Project makes that point.

As much as we need to be aware of our own mental health, however, and any possible issues in that realm, it is our responsibility to also be aware of how the male friends and family in our lives are doing emotionally or psychologically.

Hell, it's not about supporting each other as men - it's about supporting each other as human beings.

Healthy Man, Healthy Mind

October 8, 2013 by Conrad Liveris

Conrad Liveris wants to make sure he is there for other men who are suffering from mental health issues.

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Earlier this year a close friend came to me and started to discuss his mental health. This was pretty out of the ordinary: we typically discuss work, business, ambitions and where we’re going out. I’ve always been aware of my own mental health, having a strong understanding can help me understand my own capacity and what I can give to my employers, family and communities. My friend’s conversation helped me realise that being conscious of my mental health meant that I had to conscious of those around me too.

It was a big deal for him to open up and say “yeah, I’ve got depression and I’m seeing a psychologist at least every fortnight”. In the months prior I had started seeing less of him and generally felt that his energy levels were low. He was not the man I had known.

It started making me very reflective: who was there for me when I was down? Or were these battles I had to struggle through myself? I realised that it actually didn’t matter so much who I turned to, as long it was someone I could trust.

Mental health is an issue at both ends of the age spectrum: depression is the leading cause of death for Gen Y men, and there are a growing number of Baby Boomers being treated for depression or anxiety. The root-causes might be different, but the impacts on our social and professional lives are the same: it can be under-performance or general unhappiness.

This is an intergenerational crisis that is making a big impact. Mental health costs the US economy US $57.5 billion each year, similar to the cost of cancer, and in Australia it is A$20 billion with 45% of all Australian’s between 16 and 85 suffering from anxiety, mood or a substance disorder.

We all know men can have issues with discussing these issues and feelings, but it’s about being there for each other. The onus isn’t always going to be on the one suffering, but on the man standing beside him. We all have a part to play when we realise that all is not well.

Men need to be able to stand up and be a strong voice in these discussions. Not just for ourselves—it will help how our children look at mental illness.

It isn’t about calling out weaknesses or issues with someone, but about being there for those in need. We shouldn’t be afraid to ask, or hear the answer, when we ask those closest to us, “how are you? Is everything alright?”

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Photo: sco / flickr

Duncan Alldridge - A Man in the Presence of Men

Duncan Alldridge is the blogger behind Our Masculine Heart (UK) a cool blog "talking about men and masculinity." Nice title. I am not sure how I found his blog, but it's good stuff, although I wish he posted more often. This is the current post from back in November (2012).

A Man in the Presence of Men

Posted on November 27, 2012

 

I’m heading down a darkening, wintry M3, returning home from an intense weekend in a Wiltshire forest. I’m sleepless, tender, and inspired by the healing power of a group of men. During the past few weekends I’ve attended various events and workshops with men: in Brighton, in London and here, near Salisbury. I want to write about how it feels being in the presence of men.

Men Together

There’s nothing more grounding for me than being in the company of my own sex: no distractions, straight talking, the sense of humour, men together getting things done. I feel at home, as if I’ve come home, and even though I’m meeting many of these men for the first time, everyone here understands me in a way no woman ever can.

Do I allow this to happen enough in my life?

I look deeply into his eyes, beyond the mysteries of his childhood, and held within a deep, beautiful vulnerability, lies the heart of this man. I feel his tenderness, longing and pain. I see myself reflected as his father, his brother, his son, and sense his spirit, lightly, flickering, slowly meeting mine. I am beyond my body now, in the places where God moves, and something holy here dances between us.

When I strip away the societal conditioning of how I am expected to be as a man – me against the world, just surviving, defined by my work and in a world where I’m taught that repressing my feelings is the only way to get on – and then step into a held space with other men, it’s as if the whole world tilts. I find I can speak what’s on my heart without fear of judgement, I feel I am not alone and that other men are similar to me – they too have been hounded by addictions: pornography, computer games, sex, alcohol and drugs, they too are wounded by the world, they too know what it’s like to be truly alone.

Shared Suffering

As I grew up I was conditioned into thinking that being ‘emotional’ was weak and that it was something best avoided or overridden rather than experienced. Vulnerability was what women ‘did’ and so for me to really feel was something to be ashamed of and therefore something that I learned to hold back. It’s okay for a girl to cry at school, in fact she’s not a girl unless she can do this, but it’s absolutely not okay for a boy. So, like many of us, I spent years and years storing up my pain.

A circle of 30 men define a woodland space. ‘Any man who has lost a loved one or partner – step forward. Men, you share a special bond.’ Damp leaves carpet the wet earth. As men step forward I feel time expand and the space around me ripe with the fruit of our shared past, our history; the circles of men that have stood for thousands of years.

As the circle shifts, I feel one man’s pain, then another. As if we are one body we stand; and as the inner circle of men sharing their grief shifts, I feel the presence of an ancestry only rarely recalled. I feel an overbearing sense of grief; and as the men’s tears moisten their cheeks and fall, we are lifted up into a unity and togetherness that I yearn for all men to share.

I’m crying again. A deep, deep sense of grief. I cry. I cry for us all, for those men before me, and those to come; for everything I’ve ever lost: my childhood, my friends, the women I’ve met and will never meet, for love undiscovered; for her, for you, for life, for God.

For me, they are the tears of deep healing, the years of stored male grief; all of our shared tears. And they are the same tears that invite me to fully live the next beautiful, sunlit morning.

After I cried I felt relieved… and happy and grateful, and maybe not fully healed, but helped in a huge way by expressing my feelings… (Thomas G Fiffer – Boys Do Cry, and Men Do, Too)

Taking It To The Men

No woman wants to be her man’s mother. It’s the last thing she desires or needs. It’s a complete turn off. It’s just a big NO.

So why is it I so often fall back into doing it?

How many times have I taken my needs to my women? Just how many? I don’t know about you but it makes me squirm. Let’s just say too many.

I’ll only set her free by taking it to the men.

I feel the circle around me, the men’s faces, their presence. I move them both around the space, the two women in my life. And as I stand apart from them both, fully seen in my need, I know that I am a man, my father’s son. I leave them both to their paths and step back into the circle, more determined and resolved – to keep on taking it to the men.

Validation

Is there anything more powerful than being validated by another man – where a man actually comes to you, meets you fully in the eyes and gives you positive affirmation? I don’t mean being told I’m a clever guy who’s funny, but have you ever heard a man speak fully of his experience of you? Until my early 40s the nearest I’d got to this was a few drunk ‘I love yous’ in a pub, or some throw away comments that never landed and fit only for the wind. I was too scared to make myself vulnerable. It’s my conditioning. Maybe I still wanted to be one up; I loved him, but I wouldn’t trust him with my heart.

As men, we need each other’s validation. The validation we maybe didn’t get from our fathers. The validation that, over the years, has been replaced by individualism, narcissism and competition. My father gave me strong positive affirmation many times, but if he were unable to meet me in this way, it’s possible that I’d never get this validation anywhere else.

As the men’s words sink in I feel my heartbeat, the visceral pumping blood of history, the man inside me preparing to rule, a benevolent king ready to serve. I feel an inner strength within me, shining, and I feel something of the boy in me die. My spirit quickens, I sense God’s gentle power and feel ready to stand in the world.

Bisexual Men On the 'Down Low' Run Risk for Poor Mental Health

This makes sense, from my own experience. Bi-men might receive acceptance from family and friends when "coming out," but in other situations (often with female partners) being honest can result in getting rejected, which no doubt negatively impacts mental health.

More importantly, however, the study shows that bisexual men who are concerned about concealing their same-sex behavior also experience lower levels of social support and more internalized homophobia - negative attitudes toward their own same-sex behavior.

Bisexual Men On the 'Down Low' Run Risk for Poor Mental Health

Jan. 2, 2013 — Bisexual men are less likely to disclose and more likely to conceal their sexual orientation than gay men. In the first study to look at the mental health of this population, researchers at Columbia University's Mailman School of Public Health found that greater concealment of homosexual behavior was associated with more symptoms of depression and anxiety.

The study published in the American Psychological Association's Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, examined bisexual men "on the down low," a subgroup of bisexual men who live predominantly heterosexual lives and do not disclose their same-sex behavior, a group that has not been studied to date. The researchers studied 203 nongay-identified men in New York City, who self-reported being behaviorally bisexual and had not disclosed their same-sex behavior to their female partners.

According to findings, men who live with a wife or girlfriend, who think of themselves as heterosexual, and who have a lower frequency of sex with men were more likely to conceal their same-sex behavior. Greater frequency of sex with women also correlated with greater concealment. Men with a household income of $30,000 or more per year reported greater concealment about their same-sex behavior than men with lower incomes.

"Our research provides information on the factors that might contribute to greater concealment among this group of behaviorally bisexual men," said Eric Schrimshaw, PhD, assistant professor of Sociomedical Sciences and lead author. "Such information is critical to understanding which of these bisexual men may be at greatest risk for mental health problems."

Nearly 38% of the men reported that they have not shared with anyone that they have sex with men. Only 41% reported that they had confided in a best friend or parent.

Dr. Schrimshaw and colleagues found that greater concealment correlated with more symptoms of depression and anxiety and lower positive emotions. However, disclosure to a few close friends or family did not seem to help; disclosure to confidants was not associated with good mental health.

"The fact that concealment, but not disclosure, was associated with the mental health of these bisexual men is critically important for the way therapeutic interventions are conducted in this population," said Karolynn Siegel, PhD, professor of Sociomedical Sciences and co-author. "Although disclosure may result in acceptance from family and friends, in other cases -- particularly with female partners -- disclosure may also result in rejecting reactions, which are adversely associated with mental health."

The research also suggests reasons why concealment was negatively associated with mental health. Bisexual men who were more concerned than others about concealing their same-sex behavior also tended to report lower levels of social support and more internalized homophobia -- that is, negative attitudes toward their same-sex behavior.

The findings indicate that publically disclosing their same-sex behavior may not be necessary to their mental health, as long as bisexual men have adequate emotional support to cope with other stressors in their lives. Professionals who do therapeutic work with bisexual men may wish to focus instead on helping such men reduce their perceived need to conceal their same-sex behavior and accept their sexual orientation.

Citation:
Eric W. Schrimshaw, Karolynn Siegel, Martin J. Downing, Jeffrey T. Parsons. Disclosure and Concealment of Sexual Orientation and the Mental Health of Non-Gay-Identified, Behaviorally Bisexual Men. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 2012; DOI:10.1037/a0031272