Newsweek - Struggling School-Age Boys

This article is from a few days ago, but it merits some attention. Emphasis in the article is added to highlight the seriousness of the problem from my point-of-view. My comments after the article.

Struggling School-Age Boys

A new study says parents are right to worry about their sons.

By Peg Tyre | Newsweek Web Exclusive

Getty Images

Every other week it seems a new study comes out that adds to our already-formidable arsenal of parental worries. But even by those escalating standards, the report issued last week by the federal government's National Center for Health Statistics contained a jaw-dropper: the parents of nearly one of every five boys in the United States were concerned enough about what they saw as their sons' emotional or behavioral problems that they consulted a doctor or a health-care professional. By comparison, about one out of 10 parents of girls reported these kinds of problems. (See the study here.)

The report confirms what many of us have been observing for some time now: that lots of school-age boys are struggling. And, parents are intensely worried about them.

What is ailing our sons? Some experts suggest we are witnessing an epidemic of ADHD and say boys need more medication. Others say that environmental pollutants found in plastics, among other things, may be eroding their attention spans and their ability to regulate their emotions.

Those experts may be right but I have another suggestion. Let's examine the way our child rearing and our schools have evolved in the last 10 years. Then ask ourselves this challenging question: could some of those changes we have embraced in our families, our communities and our schools be driving our sons crazy?

Instead of unstructured free play, parents now schedule their kids' time from dawn till dusk (and sometimes beyond.) By age 4, an ever-increasing number of children are enrolled in preschool. There, instead of learning to get along with other kids, hold a crayon and play Duck, Duck, Goose, children barely out of diapers are asked to fill out work sheets, learn computation or study Mandarin. The drumbeat for early academics gets even louder when they enter "real" school. Veteran teachers will tell you that first graders are now routinely expected to master a curriculum that, only 15 years ago, would have been considered appropriate for second, even third graders. The way we teach children has changed, too. In many communities, elementary schools have become test-prep factories—where standardized testing begins in kindergarten and "teaching to the test" is considered a virtue. At the same time, recess is being pushed aside in order to provide extra time for reading and math drills. So is history and opportunities for hands-on activities—like science labs and art. Active play is increasingly frowned on—some schools have even banned recess and tag. In the wake of school shootings like the tragedy at Virginia Tech, kids who stretch out a pointer finger, bend their thumb and shout "pow!" are regarded with suspicion and not a little fear.

Our expectations for our children have been ramped up but the psychological and physical development of our children has remained about the same. Some kids are thriving in the changing world. But many aren't. What parents and teachers see—and what this government study now shows—is that the ones who can't handle it are disproportionately boys.

Some researchers responded to last weeks' study by calling for more resources for more mental-health services for children—especially males. That's an admirable goal. But when nearly one in five boys has such serious behavioral and emotional issues that their parents are talking it over with their pediatrician, you can bet we are facing a problem that requires a more fundamental change in our society than medication or weekly therapy. Let's take a moment, before the school year gets any farther underway, and ask ourselves whether we are raising and educating our boys in a way that respects their natural development. And if we are not, let's figure out how we can bring our family life and our schools back into line.

This is one study that we ignore at our peril.

Peg Tyre is the author of "The Trouble With Boys: A Surprising Report Card On Our Sons, Their Problems at School and What Parents & Educators Must Do," which is being published this week by Crown, a division of Random House. She can be reached at www.pegtyre.com

Here's my story -- I didn't learn to read until I was in 2nd grade. Teachers thought I was slow. My parents has regular "talks" with counselors and principles. I was put in the "remedial" room, with kids who could barely tie their shoes.

Less than two years later, I was in fourth grade and reading at a 12th grade level. I was placed in "talented and gifted" classes.

So how did I go from "remedial" to "gifted" in just two years? The answer is simple, really -- my parents let me develop at my own pace and didn't try to force me into the school's one-size-fits-all box. They let me be me, which included rejecting amphetamines to deal with my "hyperactivity," which was really a sugar sensitivity.

If I had been pressured to learn Mandarin as a little kid, when I didn't even give a rat's ass about the alphabet, I would really have been a mess. Kids develop at their own pace, and each child is different -- it sounds to me as though boys might develop cognitively a little more slowly than girls, adn we should honor that.

* * *

I think there is some merit to the environmental element impacting today's boys. They are constantly exposed to toxic chemicals and poor diet -- both of which can have a profound impact on cognitive and emotional development. Fish oil and evening primrose oil (combined) has proven more effective than prescription drugs for ADHD, so we know that diet is part of the problem (a lack of healthy fats seriously impacts the brain).

Man-made environmental estrogens (xenoestrogens) are also highly toxic to the brain and are so prevalent as to be ubiquitous. These are generally endocrine disruptors, but all the body's systems are inter-connected, so messing up one system messes up the others as well. For now, the government says these chemicals are safe, so there has been little research into anything other than potential cancer risks.

Boys are more likely to be impacted by xenoestrogens (although precocious puberty for girls is clearly another impact of these chemicals). It is possible to limit our exposure to some of these chemicals, but others (such as deisel exhaust) are unavoidable.

* * *

The other part of this is that kids are not allowed to be kids anymore. What the hell happened to unstructured free time? I never had "play dates" -- I went out and made friends with other kids in the neighborhood. If there were no other kids around, I played by myself with blocks, Tonka truck, Hot Wheels, or whatever else was available.

Kids need to be allowed to be kids, especially boys, who tend to be more physically active than younger girls -- to play on their own, to have unstructured time, to be messy and unproductive. After all, they are still kids, not little adults.

Tags: Newsweek, Struggling School-Age Boys, boys, education, environment, integral theory, ADHD, fish oil, Peg Tyre

Lifehack - 10 Keys to a Successful Romantic Relationship

I thought this was a good post, and one especially useful for men. From Lifehack:

10 Keys to a Successful Romantic Relationship

In romantic relationships, as with so much else, it’s the little things that count. Just as a mis-spoken word or odd look can throw a couple into a weeks-long feud, small and seemingly insignificant gestures can help keep a relationship on track. A little gift, an off-hand compliment, a moment of physical contact can vastly strengthen a relationship.

According to psychologists Nathaniel Branden and Robert Sternberg, who have both researched and written about the challenges of romantic relationships, these little displays of interest and affection can be more important than all the "active listening" and trust games in the world. Their research has suggested 10 keys to keeping both partners content, satisfied, and happy with each other.

1. Tell your partner you love them.
2. Show some affection.
3. Show appreciation for your partner.
4. Share yourself.
5. Be there for your partner.
6. Give gifts.
7. Respond gracefully to your partner’s demands and shortcomings.
8. Make "alone time" a priority.
9. Take nothing for granted.
10. Strive for equality.

Go read the whole post for details on each item.

Tags: Lifehack, 10 Keys to a Successful Romantic Relationship, relationships, men, women, Nathaniel Branden, Robert Sternberg

Why Men Are Men and Women Aren't

Those who believe that men and women are essentially the same -- as far as brains are concerned -- just took another shot to their belief systems.

We already know that female brains are different than male brains in terms of structure (better and thicker connections between hemispheres, for example), but now it turns out that men and women may have different brains at the neuronal level according to some new research -- granted, these are fruit flies, but it's likely to be true in humans as well.

Male-specific neurons directly linked to gender-specific behaviors

New research identifies a few critical neurons that initiate sex-specific behaviors in fruit flies and, when masculinized, can elicit male-typical courtship behaviors from females. The study, published by Cell Press in the September 11th issue of the journal Neuron, demonstrates a direct link between sexual dimorphism in the brain and gender differences in behavior.

In the fruit fly, Drosophila melanogaster, males display a series of complex and stereotypic behaviors when they are courting a female. Males chase the female while vibrating their wings, producing a love song that has an aphrodisiac influence on the female, who would otherwise take action to escape the male's advances. Later steps in the male courtship behavior involve the initiation and completion of copulation.

"Although previous studies have identified a few key brain areas, such as the dorsal posterior brain, that appear to play a pivotal role in initiating male sexual behavior, nothing is known about the identity of neurons and their circuits in the brain sites which are central to the generation of male courtship behavior," says lead study author Professor Ken-ichi Kimura of the Hokkaido University of Education in Japan.

Professor Kimura and colleagues made use of a sophisticated technique that allowed them to identify, manipulate, and study small groups of cells in the fruit fly brain. The researchers focused on neurons that expressed a gene called fruitless (fru), a known sex-determination gene. The male-specific Fru protein is expressed in the brains of male flies, but not females. Studies have indicated that fru functions in parallel with another sex-determination gene called doublesex (dsx) and that fru may function as a kind of master control gene to direct organization of brain centers for sexual behavior.

A fru/dsx-expressing cell cluster, known as P1, was identified as an important site for initiating male courtship behavior. P1 cells are fated to die in females through the action of a feminizing protein called DsxF. Interestingly, genetic manipulation of females so that they possessed male P1 neurons effectively provoked male-typical courtship behavior in the females, even when other parts of the brain were not masculinized.

"P1 is located in the dorsal posterior brain and is composed of 20 neurons that have projections which communicate with the bilateral protocerebrum," explains Professor Kimura. "We found that the masculinizing protein Fru is required in the male brain for correct positioning of the projections from the P1 neurons."

Taken together, these findings demonstrate that the coordinated action of sex-determination genes dsx and fru confer the unique ability to initiate male-typical sexual behavior on P1 neurons. This research represents one of only a few examples presenting direct evidence for sexually dimorphic mechanisms that underlie gender-specific behavior and is the first to identify a specific cluster of cells that initiate courtship.

###

The researchers include Ken-ichi Kimura, Iwamizawa Campus, Hokkaido University of Education, Iwamizawa, Japan; Tomoaki Hachiya, Iwamizawa Campus, Hokkaido University of Education, Iwamizawa, Japan; Masayuki Koganezawa, Tohoku University, Sendai, Japan; Tatsunori Tazawa, Iwamizawa Campus, Hokkaido University of Education, Iwamizawa, Japan; and Daisuke Yamamoto, Tohoku University, Sendai, Japan.

Another recent news item found differences in neuronal density in the left temporal cortex, although the differences were not linked to any differences in cognitive function.

Gender differences seen in brain connections

Human brains appear to come in at least two flavours: male and female. Now variations in the density of the synapses that connect neurons may help to explain differences in how men and women think.

Even when intelligence levels are equal, women and men excel at different cognitive tasks. But although brain size and neuron density differ between the sexes, these don't seem to correlate with cognitive differences. So, Javier DeFelipe at Complutense University in Madrid, Spain, and colleagues counted the number of synapses instead.

The brain tissue they analysed came from the left temporal cortex, a region of the brain involved in emotional and social processing, of four women and four men with epilepsy. The tissue itself was healthy, having been removed to allow doctors to access underlying damaged areas.

The men had up to 52% more synapses per brain "layer" in this region than the women. While the effect of high synaptic density in this region is unknown, the team suspects that there may be other regions where women out-synapse men.

In any case, says DeFelipe, although different synaptic densities indicates different circuitry between men and women, men shouldn't get too cocky: the density of synapses in mice is greater than in humans.

Journal reference: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (DOI: 10.1073.pnas/0803652105)

The Human Brain - With one hundred billion nerve cells, the complexity is mind-boggling. Learn more in our cutting edge special report.

Tags: science, psychology, brain, Male-specific neurons, gender-specific behaviors, fruit flies, Neuron, Drosophila melanogaster, New Scientist, neuronal density, synapses, Javier DeFelipe, left temporal cortex

NPR - Missing Male Teachers

A good report on the absence of male teachers in the classroom from NPR's Talk of the Nation.

Missing Male Teachers

Listen to this 'Talk of the Nation' topic

When you were in elementary school, did you see many male teachers? I could've counted the Mr.'s at my elementary school before I even started kindergarten -- 1, 2 (hi, Mr. Barnett and Mr. Heck*!). Turns out, according to the National Education Association, merely 9 percent of elementary school teachers are men. Boston Globe columnist Derrick Z. Jackson sees those few male faces, and sees a problem. He had male teachers in the 3rd and 5th grades, and saw in them some differences in instruction style that he'd hate to have grown up without. Did you have any male teachers in elementary school? Did you learn differently from them?

*Note to Mr. Heck: You'd be so proud of me. Remember how you used to always dump my messy desk? I can't say I learned anything from that weekly routine -- you should see my desk now!

Sarah Handel

I had male teachers in 2nd grade, 4th grade, 5th grade, 6th grade, and in math, science, TAG, and wood shop in middle school. I had some others in high school, including two English teachers, computer science, and most other phys. ed. or math and science classes.

I guess my experience is unusual.

One in particular left a lasting influence, Mr. Carter, my 4th grade teacher. He saw that three of us were way ahead of the other kids and generally bored, so he got us 5th grade work, then 6th grade (for which he had to drive 15 miles) and so on, until the year was over. He was fired after that year for mentioning in class that it's a crime that his 22 year old son, who worked in a wood mill, made more money than any of the teachers in that small school.

Too bad, he was one of the good ones.

I can't say that my life would have been different if those teachers had been women, but they represented to me the idea that men could be interested in education and learning, and that in itself helped shape my life.

Tags: NPR, Missing Male Teachers, Talk of the Nation, education, men, Derrick Z. Jackson

The New Man Podcast - Episode 28: Kute Blackson - Are You Ready To Die?

A good new podcast from The New Man, featuring Kute Blackson. Here is the description:

Episode 28: Kute Blackson - Are You Ready To Die?

Are you ready to die?

Does some part of your life suck? Are you stuck because you don't have any other choice? Have you tried everything you can and you just can't change it.

Bullshit.

That's what Kute Blackson is telling us. Bullshit.

When we find ourselves in that miserable, stuck place, we are invariably wasting energy avoiding our truth and keeping ourselves muted because we are afraid to face the unknown.

"If you are feeling pain and dissatisfaction, that's your doorway, go through it and find who you really are", Kute insists.

It may be necessary to experience the death of "self" to live life.

What do you need to give to the world so that you can die complete?

Listen as Kute a Tripp take us into the darkness, searching for that light of freedom on the other side.

Tags: The New Man Podcast, Episode 28, Kute Blackson, Are You Ready To Die?, masculinity, strength, psychology, change, Tripp Lanier

NPR - Silence Strengthens Impact of Depression Among Men

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Men deal with depression differently than women. Often, a man won't tell anyone what is going on inside him. I know - I've been there. We were taught to suck it up and do what we need to do, and never let anyone know you feel weak, empty, and alone.

Worse yet, many men self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs, making the pain and isolation all that much worse.

Finally, more attention is being paid to this issue. This was on NPR yesterday:

Silence Strengthens Impact of Depression Among Men

Listen Now [17 min 10 sec] add to playlist

Tell Me More, September 8, 2008 · Men's Fitness magazine tackles a sensitive subject that is not often discussed: depression and men.

In this week's Behind Closed Doors segment, Chris Strauss of Men's Fitness, mental health writer John Head, and Nathaniel Reynolds, who suffered from depression, explain why depression seems to be rising among men, and why it can be challenging for men, especially black men, to accept help.

Here is some more information on how men deal with depression differently than women, from the Healthyplace.com Depression Community.

Men With Depression

Depression is an illness that affects both men and women. But people working in mental health services see far fewer men with depression than women with depression. It seems likely that men suffer from depression just as often as women, but that they are less likely to ask for help. Depression is easily treatable and best treated as early as possible. Men need to know what it is and how to get effective help.

It's Different For Men

The way that men think about themselves can be quite unhelpful. Compared with women, they tend to be far more concerned with being competitive, powerful and successful. Most men don’t like to admit that they feel fragile or vulnerable, and so are less likely to talk about their feelings with their friends, loved ones or their doctors. This may be the reason that they often don’t ask for help when they become depressed. Men tend to feel that they should rely only on themselves and that it is somehow weak to have to depend on someone else, even for a short time.

This traditional view of how men should be - always tough and self-reliant - is also held by some women. Some men find that owning up to their depression actually results in their partner rejecting them because of this. Even professionals sometimes share this view, and may not diagnose depression in men when they should.

Symptoms of Depression

• Feeling sad or unhappy
• High levels of anxiety
• Low energy
• Difficulties concentrating
• Feeling worthless or hopeless
• Losing interest in activities or people
• Weight loss
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of sex drive
• Lapses in personal hygiene, such as not bathing or shaving as regularly
• Thoughts of suicide

The symptoms for some types of depression may also include extreme opposites of those listed above for example, unusually high or prolonged levels of energy, significant weight gain and so on.

Other people may notice that:

• You are performing less well at work
• You seem unusually quiet, unable to talk about things
• You’re worrying about things more than usual
• You’re more irritable than usual
• You’re complaining more about vague physical problems

How Do Men Cope

Instead of talking about how they feel, men may try to make themselves feel better by using alcohol or drugs. This will usually make things worse in the long run. Their work will suffer and alcohol often leads to irresponsible, unpleasant or dangerous behavior. Men also tend to give their work a higher priority than their home life, which produces conflicts with their wives or partners. All of these things have been shown to make depression more likely.

Relationships

For married men, research has shown that trouble in a marriage is the most common single problem connected with depression. Men can’t cope with disagreements as well as women. Arguments actually make men feel very physically uncomfortable. So, they try to avoid arguments or difficult discussions. This often leads to the situation where a man’s partner will want to talk about a problem, but he will not and will do his best to avoid talking about it. The partner feels that they are being ignored and tries to talk about it more, which makes him feel he is being nagged. So, he withdraws even more, which makes his partner feel even more that they are being ignored . . . and so on. This vicious circle can quite easily destroy a relationship.

Separation and Divorce

Men have traditionally seen themselves as being the leaders in their family lives. However, the process of separation and divorce is most often started by women. Of all men, those who are divorced are most likely to kill themselves, probably because depression is more common and more severe in this group. This may be because, as well as losing their main relationship, they often lose touch with their children, may have to move to live in a different place, and often find themselves hard-up for money. These are stressful events in themselves, quite apart from the stress of the break-up, and are likely to bring on depression.

Sex

Depressed men feel less good about their bodies and less sexy than when they’re not depressed. Many just go off sex completely. Several recent studies suggest that, in spite of this, men who are depressed have intercourse just as often, but they don’t feel as satisfied as usual. A few depressed men actually report increased sexual drive and intercourse, possibly as a way of trying to make themselves feel better. Another problem may be that some anti-depressant drugs will also reduce sex-drive in a small number of men who take them.

HOWEVER, the good news is that, as the depression improves, so will your sexual desire, performance and satisfaction.

It’s worth remembering that it can happen the other way round. Impotence (difficulty in getting or keeping an erection) can bring about depression. Again, this is a problem for which it is usually possible to find effective help.

There's more to read at the site, including a very useful list of tips on how to deal with depression more effectively. There's no need to carry the pain in silence.

Here are a few links offered at the end of the article.

RELATED LINKS AND INFO

How Men Handle Depression
Male Menopause
Treatments For Men With Depression
Depression in Women and Men: What's the Difference?
Cultural Expectations May Explain Why Depression is Different In Women and Men
When Someone You Love Has A Mental Illness (Resisting Medication, Relative's Anger, Your Guilt)

Tags: NPR, Silence Strengthens Impact of Depression Among Men, masculinity, men, depression, Healthyplace.com, Depression Community

From Manhood in America to Guyland

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A cool book review/excerpt from the Oxford University Press blog. Looks like an interesting book, and one I will be adding to my wish list at Amazon.

From Manhood in America to Guyland
Filed in A-Featured , American History , Media , Sociology on August 26, 2008

Between the ages of 16 and 26, male development often evolves and explodes into such problematic behavior as binge drinking, fraternity hazing, and female-directed abuse—particularly on college campuses. To better understand these trends, Michael Kimmel, Professor of Sociology at Stony Brook University and leading gender scholar, has just published Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men. Drawing from hundreds of interviews with 16-to-26-year-olds across the country—and traversing locales from high schools to frat houses to sports bars—Guyland is a riveting look inside the intriguing incubators of modern manhood.

Kimmel is the author of several popular and acclaimed Oxford textbooks, including Manhood in America, Second Edition, which provides an engaging cultural history of masculinity by examining such cultural constructs as advice books, magazine columns, political pamphlets, and popular novels and films. In addition, he is author of the best-selling The Gendered Society, Third Edition; coeditor of The Gendered Society Reader, Third Edition , and Sexualities: Identities Behaviors, and Society; and editor of Classical Sociological Theory, Second Edition . Below is an excerpt from the epilogue of Manhood in America which put Kimmel on the path to deconstructing Guyland. Be sure to tune in to the Today show (NBC) on Wednesday, August 27th to see Kimmel talk about Guyland. He will also read from Guyland on Tuesday, September 9th at 7:00 PM at the Borders Store at Columbus Circle.

The presidential election of 2004 revealed a nation deeply divided about politics, war, and economic issues. Red and blue states possess different visions of what America is and what America should be. And it’s equally true that there are two disparate visions of American masculinity. As this new century unfolds, the pace of change accelerates, and the world grows ever more integrated, it remains to be seen what ideals of manhood will prevail both in the short run and in the longer run.

Personally, I believe that in the twenty-first century, we need a different sort of manhood, a “democratic manhood.” The manhood of the future cannot be based on obsessive self-control, defensive exclusion, or frightened escape. We need a new definition of masculinity in this new century: a definition that is more about the character of men’s hearts and the depths of their souls than about the size of their biceps, wallets, or penises; a definition that is capable of embracing differences among men and enabling other men to feel secure and confident rather than marginalized and excluded; a definition that is capable of friendships based on more than common activities (what among toddlers is called “parallel play”) or even common consumer aesthetics; a definition that centers on standing up for justice and equality instead of running away from commitment and engagement.

We need men who truly embody traditional masculine virtues, such as strength, a sense of purpose, a commitment to act ethically regardless of the costs, controlled aggression, self-reliance, dependability, reliability, responsibility—men for whom these are not simply fashion accessories but come from a deeply interior place. But now these will be configured in new and responsive ways. We need men who are secure enough in their convictions to recognize a mistake, courageous enough to be compassionate, fiercely egalitarian, powerful enough to empower others, strong enough to acknowledge that real strength comes from holding others up rather than pushing them down and that real freedom is not to be found in the loneliness of the log cabin but in the daily compromises of life in a community.

Recall again the postscript to that vicious campaign of 1840. Taking the oath of office on one of the most bitterly cold days in the entire nineteenth century, William Henry Harrison refused to wear a topcoat lest he appear weak and unmanly. He caught pneumonia, was immediately bedridden, and died one month later—the shortest term in office of any president in our history. Believing your own hype may be dangerous for your health let alone the health of the nation.

The deep divisions between red and blue America parallel the deep divisions in red and blue gender politics. On the one hand, it appears that about half the country subscribes to older, more traditional notions of masculinity; the other half subscribes to a version that is more protean and responsive to social change. While it’s surely a caricature to suggest that one side swills burgers and beer (not microbrew) while watching NASCAR and the other sips chardonnay and nibble imported brie, every cultural arena does present us with a variety of images from which to choose. The increased polarization of the nation does lead these images to equally become more polarized.

So, for example, where once Jimmy Stewart and Cary Grant could capture the same audiences as Humphrey Bogart and Robert Mitchum, today one is unlikely to find many fans of the fey Leonardo di Caprio or the earnest Toby Maguire at a film starring The Rock or Vin Diesel. Yet these new iterations of the last action hero are cartoons of hypermasculine inarticulateness; they make Arnold Schwarzenegger or Bruce Willis seem positively emotional. And their young male audiences are as likely to laugh at their verbal grunting as they are to marvel at the special effects.

Tags: From Manhood in America to Guyland, OUP, masculinity, books, culture, Michael Kimmel, Guyland, The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men, Manhood in America

Gender Identity in Children

Kat at A mom's struggle with identity posted this "rant" a couple of weeks ago -- I have been meaning to mention it here, but moving got in the way. I think she has some valid concerns that pertain to how we define masculinity.

Gender Issues ~ Boys with painted nails

This is somewhat of a rant, so if you don't want to hear a rant you can close this down now :) I just have been debating this class in my mind, and with a few other students, and I felt the need to get it down and put it out there. This seemed like a good place to do that.

I just took my last class to get my bachelors degree. It was called "gender:anger and empowerment". My degree was in sociology but my emphasis was in gender studies, so I assumed that this class would be similar to the others. Primarily the basis that gender is socially constructed, and that there aren't innate differences between males and females. I assumed that the teacher would be similar to my other teachers, very open, empowering and supportive of all genders/people/lifestyles etc.

Boy was I wrong. The whole class centered around "women do this _____" and "men do this ______". I was a bit surprised but I chose to not openly debate her, because I do think its good to remember how the bulk of americans think, and to remember the concepts that are so woven into the tapestry of our culture, that we no longer critically think about them.

At one point, though, the conversation shifted. She began to talk about single parents, and how hard of a job that it is. Now, personally I love being a single mother, and I think I have much more flexibility and freedom then most of my friends have, because I am able to choose to parent my children however I wish, to take them away for vacation or stay up late at night or whatever. . . . Its really up to me. Anyway. . . she then began talking about how women could NOT raise a son into adulthood, it simply doesn't work. Ever.

Excuse me?

Go read the rest.

I believe that young children need a male figure in their lives, especially boys. But a single parent is much better than a lame and/or negative male presence. And there is no reason a lesbian mother cannot raise a healthy child, as long the boy does get some healthy male socialization.

The male examples in the post are not healthy -- they were patriarchal rather than masculine. We need to move beyond this as men, while recognizing that boys who do not fit the "traditional" male model will face challenges among their peers. We need to prepare for them that, not stifle their emerging sense of self.

Tags: Gender Identity in Children, masculinity, gender roles, boys, homosexuality, A mom's struggle with identity, Gender Issues, Boys with painted nails

Young Male Masculinity - What A Girl Wants?

Here is a response - from a young woman - to the article I posted earlier today, posted at Y Pulse, a site focusing on marketing to Gen Y and tweens (don't get me started).

Interesting stuff, especially the admission that men are confused about what women want because they are confused about what they want. Which makes me thankful to be older and dating a woman who knows what she wants.

Young Male Masculinity…What A Girl Wants?

Posted by casey on 09-03-2008

As a college girl, I am unsurprisingly completely intrigued by the behavior of boys. I read this recent article in USA Today (we linked to it in yesterday's Essentials) hoping that I would gain some sort of insight into the male psyche. I finished the article even more confused, mostly because men themselves don't even have it straight. Are they sensitive, caring, and readily available to fall in love? Or are they masculine, tough, and only interested in beer and sex?

I think one of the reasons that men are so conflicted as to how they're "supposed" to act is because women - and I'm speaking on behalf of my friends, my acquaintances, and yes, myself - don't know how they want men to act. They want someone to be sensitive, but they also want a tough guy who will throw a few punches for the sake of pride. They want someone who can knock back a few (um, dozen?) beers without forgetting his name, and who will be as up for going out as he is for kicking back and catching a chick flick.

Confusing, right? Poor guys don't stand a chance, and USA Today's article is further proof.

There's a bit more at the site. One comment was quite interesting and on-target:

1. AmyG Says:
   September 3rd, 2008 at 4:56 pm

   What is the confusion about? Guys can't figure out that they should be well-rounded, emotional-but-masculine, strong-but-sensitive individuals? Isn't the pretty-and-intelligent, capable-but-needing of help dichotomy of female behavior expected? What gentleman wants to date a girl he can't take home to mom? Or a girl that he can't take to a kegger? I hate to be harsh, but what this article says to me is that guys are too immature to know that there's a time and place for everything, and now "not knowing what society expects" is yet another excuse not to grow up.

Well-said. Any thoughts?

Tags: masculinity, gender roles, women, youth, Young Male Masculinity, What A Girl Wants?

Young guys try to read society's road map for behavior

This article appeared in USA Today a while back, and I have been meaning to post it for a while, but am just now getting around to it. It looks at the conflicting messages young men are getting about what it means to be a man.

For what it's worth (and more comments below), one of the models I had as a young boy was Alan Alda's character on MASH, Hawkeye Pierce. Hawkeye loved women and was quite the player, but he treated women with respect. He sought to maintain a sense of moral balance in the midst of an insane war. He was very liberal in his views, but was sometimes a pragmatist. On the downside, he was abvout as unhealthy as was possible, especially in the realm of drinking (which I also did my share of in my youth).

I grew up admiring that character as much as I admired any celebrity or fictional character. There could have been worse models.

Young guys try to read society's road map for behavior

By Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY

It's a rough road to manhood for young guys, who more than ever are finding themselves confounded and conflicted about what "masculinity" means.

Behavioral researchers say being a heterosexual male used to mean being macho, but guys today get mixed messages on all fronts as they navigate sex, drinking, friendships and the future.

"The social messages … about how to be a good person or a good guy vary quite widely," says Glenn Good, professor of counseling psychology at the University of Missouri-Columbia.

Joseph Hammer, 23, who is working on a master's in counseling at Missouri, hears a lot of competing messages. "Your parents tell you things. Your friends tell you things. Your teachers tell you things. You see things on TV."

How to deal with women?

"Guys know they're supposed to treat women as equals," says Andrew Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at the State University of New York-Oswego. "But we haven't changed masculinity and we haven't taught boys and men how to deal with these women.

"We still tell boys and men they should be in charge and wear the pants," he adds. "Those are two messages — you want someone who is your equal, and you should still be in charge."

In his 2007 book Boys Adrift, family physician Leonard Sax of Malvern, Pa., suggests that many young men are becoming slackers, in part because of too many hours of video games and a dearth of role models that undermine male motivation.

In the past, images of manhood glorified drinking and womanizing, researchers say, but today, they note, there seems to be equal pressure to be sensitive.

"A large proportion of young males view drinking and having sexual conquests as the appropriate way to begin to prove they are an adult male," Good says. "Their male peers are saying 'Be tough' and girls are saying 'Tell me about your feelings."

Guys pal around and do "guy" things, like play video games, talk sports, watch porn, binge-drink and hook up, which sociologist and gender studies expert Michael Kimmel of Stony Brook University-New York discusses in his new book Guyland. It's based on surveys of 13,000 students at 17 colleges about sexual "hooking up." And he interviewed 400 young men, most in their 20s.

"The middle-class white idea of proving masculinity becomes the dominant form on campuses today. It's more intense and pervasive than ever before," he says.

Kimmel, 57, says there has always been "guy culture," but what's acceptable has changed.

"My generation's 'dating etiquette' is now called sexual assault," he says. "What we used to think was typical office behavior is now sexual harassment."

Kimmel says these hard-partying behaviors are "almost universal" from ages 16 to 26 and are most prevalent on campuses, especially at large public universities. But they are also evident among both minorities on campus and working-class males.

In their early 20s, "around relationships and around careers, women seem more focused and task-oriented and have a better-defined life plan than the men do," Kimmel says. He worries that "that leads men to look more irresponsible or slackerly."

That's not true, he adds: "They just haven't figured out what they have to do to get on track."

Getting back on track

Kenny Gillis, a 2005 mechanical engineering graduate from the University of Colorado-Boulder, is finishing a stint in Williamstown, Mass., with a company that leads bicycle tours for teens.

His last semester of college, he interviewed with several engineering firms and accepted a job.

That spring, "I called them back and said 'I can't do this right now,' " he says. "I wasn't ready to go into the workforce."

But turning 25 last month made him decide to focus more on his long-term goals, he says.

Peers play a critical role in validating gender identity for young men exploring their masculinity, experts say. And even as this generation has more mixed-gender friendships, guy bonding, largely through shared activities, is important, says Geoffrey Greif, a University of Maryland professor who interviewed 400 men of all ages for Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships.

Late teens and 20s is one of "two peak times" in life when friends play a key role, he adds.

Greg Glasser, 19, of Columbus, Ohio, says he and his friends are into outdoor activities, from basketball to hiking and swimming.

In the fall, football is "huge," says Glasser, a sophomore at Ohio University in Athens.

"Saturdays and Sundays are just football days," he says. "Guys gather around and throw a football in the yard during the day and go to the game and party."

So, if all this exposure to "guy culture" isn't healthy, as some suggest, what's a guy to do?

Kimmel says staying connected with parents and finding at least one close guy friend will help.

Some manage to stay on track, including 22-year-old Layne Held, a credit analyst at a bank in Birmingham, Ala. He graduated in May with a business degree from the University of Georgia in Athens, where "people went to class and wanted to do well.

"I knew going into college I wanted to have fun and meet people, but I realized I was going there to get an education. I had to get my studies done."

READERS: How do you define masculinity? How's it different to be a young guy today? If you're a parent, what messages are you trying to send your son about "guy culture?"

The comments for this post are kind of interesting, after you get past the frustration with this article being on the site too long.

Here is the sidebar that was posted with the article:

A lot of the mixed messages that young men get about gender and sexuality come from their parents, new research suggests.

A study of 92 male high school students recently presented to the American Psychological Association took a closer look at the extent of the messages and their effects.

Nineteen percent said they got "a lot of messages" about two seemingly conflicting ideas: being tough and being nice. The messages were specific verbal comments or implicit unspoken ones.

"They did endorse that they felt conflicted," says researcher Marina Epstein of the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor, noting the most commonly heard message was to "be nice."

Half reported at least one set of conflicting messages; the more conflicting messages they got, the more confused they felt.

Other messages involved endorsing either traditional roles or gender equality. Messages promoting equality were associated with greater body esteem and parental attachment; messages endorsing the idea that sexual activity is OK for guys but not girls were associated with more sexual partners and more alcohol use.

Epstein co-authored another study about having sex that has been accepted for publication in the Journal of Sex Research. Of 20 men ages 18-23, most didn't hook up with random sexual partners with whom they had no emotional connection.

"Most guys are not promiscuous. Most guys have had very few hookups, if any," says co-author Andrew Smiler, an assistant professor of psychology at the State University of New York-Oswego. "It is really a small percentage of guys who hook up regularly."

I got a lot of the traditional messages about masculinity when I grew up, mostly from my father but also from peers -- be tough, don't show feelings, sexual conquest is crucial, but also to show consideration and chivalry.

The chivalry stuff has stuck even as I have tried to become an authentically masculine man who is balanced in his strength, power, and emotions. Still figuring out what that means, thus this blog and all the exploration.

Tags: masculinity, boys, gender roles, culture, USA Today, Young guys, society's road map, behavior, peers, family