Day Two - Evolving Men's Conference: Personal Reflections

Evolving Men's Conference

Chogyam Trungpa: Freezing the Space

Someone is walking toward us—suddenly we freeze. Not only do we freeze ourselves, but we also freeze the space in which the person is walking toward us. We call him “friend” who is walking through this space or “enemy.” Thus the person is automatically walking through a frozen situation of fixed ideas—”this is that” or “this is not that.” This is what Buddha called “wrong view.” It is a conceptualized view which is imperfect because we do not see the situation as it is.

From “The Eightfold Path,” in The Myth of Freedom and the Way of Meditation, pages 118 to 119 in the Shambhala Library edition.

When I found this quote in my email today from Ocean of Dharma, it resonated with how I was feeling about coming to Boulder for this gathering of evolving men, leaders of men's groups, and men who work with men. I had expectations . . . very few of which were realized in what happened this weekend.

If I had remained stuck in those expectations, those thoughts of "this, not that," or "this is not that," I would have missed out on an excellent, transformative experience - I would have missed out on connecting with some beautiful loving men (and some very wonderful, supportive women who called us out a few times and helped contain us a few times), and on finding some places in me where I need to do more work if I am to be an effective leader, coach, or therapist.

At one point today, Jayson called us out on not showing up in our fullness - for projecting our "perfection" and not showing the places where we are fucked up in some way. He called on us all to be transparent - to say, "I have places where I am wounded and broken, and I don't always know the answers." To model our growth process.

How can we expect men to show up and say, "I am hurting, I'm lost, I'm confused," if we do not model for them that it is OK to do that" And not only is it OK, but it takes some serious courage and strength to say, "I'm fucked up, and I need help."

That is my challenge to myself. Jayson's way of showing up is not my way, but I am on board with his challenge - I want to have an open practice, an open dialogue - I don't know all the answers, I am not an example of a fully present and healed man - and I don't know anyone who is all that. But I am committed to my growth - and to your growth - and to serving men who want to find their tender warrior heart, their fearlessness.

Chogyam Trungpa is the teacher who brought me to men's work, who taught me that fearlessness is not about facing down a lion, or a mugger - fearlessness is about facing myself, my wounds, my pain, my imperfections, and being compassionate with myself about those wounds. And if I can do that with myself, and for myself, then I can be fearless with your pain, compassionate with your wounds, and be tender with your broken heartedness.

That's where I am as the conference wrapped up today - in fact I tweeted this comment this morning before Jayson called us out:

I need to be more present in my primary relationship - I can be more present to Jami, who deserves my full attention.

In my life, at this moment, that is my edge - being a better partner to the woman I love, who totally supported me in coming here, even though it was not the best idea financially. She gives me so much support to follow my passion around men's work, around blogging and writing, around being in school, and I have not been as present to her as she sometimes needs - I get caught up in "doing" when she sometimes just needs me to sit down with her and "be."

I feel sad that I have failed to do that, and grateful that she allows me to be my imperfect self and still loves me.

So, anyway . . .

BIG THANKS to Jayson for having the vision to make this weekend happen - and maybe we need to do it again and again before we are ready to host a conference.

Stay tuned, I'll have more thoughts to share in the coming days.

Tags: men, men's work, masculinity, culture, open practice, personal growth, Jayson Gaddis, Evolving Men's Conference, #EMC2010, transparency, Chogyam Trungpa, warrior heart, fearlessness, tenderness

Day One: Evolving Men's Conference - My Reflections

Evolving Men's Conference

WOW - I'm freaking wiped out. There is a lot of passion, a lot of energy, and a lot of conflicting worldviews in the room, and it's exciting, creative, and frustrating. Sounds about right, yes?

The morning began with an attempt by Jayson and his team to build a container for the work to come - but a few guys felt like that was a waste of our time (in all fairness, without that work in the morning, the rest of the day may not have been as creatively volatile, in a good way).

The leadership team went with the flow they felt in the room (I was a little skeptical at first, like, "You're going to let a few guys derail your agenda?!") - before lunch we broke up into smaller groups to figure just what it is we came to Boulder to do - and some of us came a long way at considerable expense (especially the men from Europe).

What seemed "up" for everyone was getting to some take-home projects, some way to make this weekend useful going forward - set up some goals, some plans, and some steps to get that done. In retrospect, I am pleased and grateful that Jayson and the other leaders opened the agenda to what they saw coming from the group - I think it was a good decision that led to a very productive afternoon.

After lunch we engaged in an organic open process to generate ideas for break-out groups - and several came together - a very cool process that I had not seen done before. Those of us who didn't have a specific topic we wanted to propose listened to the others (a 30 second pitch) and voted with our feet, so to speak, by joining the group that moved us.

I ended up in a group working on the socio-cultural issues that keep men trapped in out-dated models of how to be a man, as well as the issues that keep them from doing "men's work."

One of the guys behind this topic was sort of, kind of, possibly speaking my language (social constructivism and integral). Although I did not know for sure that he was coming from that perspective, but sensing the potential of a kindred, I was drawn to his ideas as reflective of my own. I was correct in my sense - he's a guy I feel has much to offer in this area, since he works with several men's groups and talks integral without the jargon.

The jumping off point was identifying three primary "bubbles" (worldviews) that keep bumping up against each other in the men's movement, which also reflect the culture at large - the Biblical/religious perspective (this is how God made us and our holy book tells us so), the essentialist/archetypal perspective (men are masculine because of archetypal masculine essence, or because we are hard-wired as masculine in our biology/neurology), and the socialization model (social constructivism: we are essentially human beings socialized to be masculine, with many possible masculinities, all of which are cool).

[I threw in a little Ken Wilber color-coding there (amber, orange, and green), for those who know about altitudes and worldviews in his model.]

So the big question, then, is how do we talk about men and masculinity in a way that appeals to all three perspectives, or at least does not alienate them. If I speak of multiple masculinities that are socially constructed, the religious perspective will shut down immediately. Likewise, if I speak about God or religious origins of masculine identity, the other two wage rebellion or simply do not listen.

There has to be a way to speak about this work in a way that gets to men, that touches them in the ways in which the little box of hegemonic masculinity does not work for them, causes them pain, and restricts their authenticity - without alienating any the perspectives.

I suspect that we need to get to the real issues for men - many men are feeling lost, feeling misunderstood, and feeling like we no longer have an identity that is solid and respected as men. This addresses all three perspectives without languaging it in a way that might alienate one or more perspectives.

This is one of the things I am sure we will talk about tomorrow - so stay tuned.

Finally -we raised one important issue very briefly that I think needs more attention: Who is invested in preventing men from doing this work? Who wants to maintain the status quo as far as men being stuck in the old models and unaware that they can do and be something else? That is a serious topic for discussion in my perspective.

Tags: men, men's movements, masculinities, integral theory, conferences, #EMC2010, Evolving Men's Conference, social constructionism, worldviews, perspectives, religion, archetypal, essentialist, hegemonic masculinity, language, culture, values

The Evolving Men’s Conference - Boulder, CO

I made it to Boulder - taking a little breather from travel before meeting up with a non-EMC friend for tea and maybe some food.

The discussion that maybe should have happened before the conference about expectations and other issues has been happening today by email. Very interesting - some men have different ideas about this weekend than do others - and I don't know how closely anyone's vision is with what Jayson and the planning team had in mind.

One of the big issues is women attending any or all of the weekend - some men are seriously opposed to this. They want a space to be men without any sense of "restraint," which is my word, not theirs.

I am not opposed to having women present, but then I have never done the male only thing except for my therapy group, and that's a much different environment.

This was my comment to the exchange:

When Jayson pitched this weekend to me, it was about setting a course for the future of an evolving men's agenda, bringing together diverse voices in the community to examine issues, needs, values, and where we want to go as a community of men.

One of the areas I work in is academic - transforming hegemonic masculinity from a static ism into fluid masculinities, plural - there are all kinds of men, and all kinds of ways to be masculine. With that truth, there are going to be many perspectives on our work and what we want from the weekend.

I am glad to have some women involved - without the feminine we cease to be masculine. Masculinity is a relational construct, we exist as human beings in relationships. BUT, I understand that some men are not as comfortable with that for a lot of very valid reasons.

My hope is that we can listen to each other with compassion - and I have heard some less than compassionate voices in this exchange. We can be better.

I look forward to how this exchange will develop and shape the discussion this weekend, since it feels to me to be foundational to our work.

On the flight here - I read an article about relational masculinity - and one of the big issues for many men appears to be "relational dread" - feeling on the spot, not able to adequately communicate, fears of failure or shame - all of which revolve around talking about feelings in the presence of women. The author of this particular article, "Men's Psychological Development: A Relational Perspective," Stephen J. Bergman, outlined 10 qualities of relational dread:

1. Inevitability - nothing good will come of this
2. Timelessness - this will last forever
3. Damage - this is going to be BAD
4. Closeness - the more I love her, the greater my dread
5. Precariousness - even if it goes well, it will get bad again
6. Process - I have no idea how to navigate this
7. Guilt - I have effed this up before, I will again, and I feel guilty about that
8. Denial and fear of aggression - I am afraid that if pushed too much I might snap and become violent
9. Incompetence and shame - I do NOT feel competent doing this - she is better at this than I am
10. Paralysis - when each or any of the previous 9 items comes up, my dread doubles

I'm not saying this is what is going on for the men who do not want women at this weekend, but this seemed relevant to me as I read the essay.

Men are relational - and I am sure it helps to get comfortable being with and talking to other men to make us more comfortable with this element of ourselves that we were never taught by our mothers or fathers - it's no wonder we have such a challenge talking about our feelings.

Tags: men, men's groups, #EMC2010, emotions, relationships, women, Evolving Men's Conference, relational dread, Men's Psychological Development, A Relational Perspective, Stephen J. Bergman