Taking Sick Days - And Shaming Myself for "Being Lazy"

I get sick about once every five or six years, and this is one of those times. In my head, I know I need to rest and rebuild my strength, and I know that it's better to stay home and not get others sick than to fight through it and work anyway (which has been my pattern). But my rational mind is not always in control - at another level I am shaming myself for "being lazy," for "abandoning my clients," for "not being invincible."

I put those beliefs in quotation marks because I know they are not true, but my inner critic (see here, here, and here) uses phrases like that to shame me, to remind myself that I am "lazy, irresponsible, and inconsiderate." Those are some of the messages I internalized as a child (thanks Dad, thanks Mr. Laney [2nd grade teacher], and thanks Mr. Fox [6th grade teacher]).

Some part of me, that internalized critic, truly believes I should never get sick, never miss work days, never fail to be there for my clients. And it really doesn't really help to know that other people struggle with this, too.

As I write this, hoping that maybe some other guys (or gals) will find this useful and supportive, I keep bringing myself back to my breath. I seek the compassionate observer within (or simply observing self, see here and here) and try to view being sick and how my critic responds, holding both parts of me in compassion.

If you are new to this kind of work, here is an exercise from Dr. Krisitn Neff (author of Self-Compassion Stop Beating Yourself up and Leave Insecurity Behind), from her website, where she offers a lot of free worksheets, exercises, and meditations (the meditations are by Dr. Christopher Germer, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions):

The criticizer, the criticized, and the compassionate observer

This exercise is modeled on the two-chair dialogue studied by Gestalt therapist Leslie Greenberg. In this exercise, clients sit in different chairs to help get in touch with different, often conflicting parts of their selves, experiencing how each aspect feels in the present moment.

To begin, put out three empty chairs, preferably in a triangular arrangement. Next, think about an issue that often troubles you, and that often elicits harsh self-criticism. Designate one chair as the voice of your inner self-critic, one chair as the voice of the part of you that feels judged and criticized, and one chair as the voice of a wise, compassionate observer. You are going to be role-playing all three parts of yourself - you, you, and you. It may feel a bit silly at first, but you may be surprised at what comes out once you really start letting your feelings flow freely.

1) Think about your “issue,” and then sit in the chair of the self-critic. As you take your seat, express out loud what the self-critical part of you is thinking and feeling. For example “I hate that fact that you’re such a whimp and aren’t self-assertive.” Notice the words and tone of voice the self-critical part of you uses, and also how it is feeling. Worried, angry, self-righteous, exasperated? Note what your body posture is like. Strong, rigid, upright? What emotions are coming up for you right now?

2) Take the chair of the criticized aspect of yourself. Try to get in touch with how you feel being criticized in this manner. Then verbalize how you feel, responding directly to your inner critic. For example, “I feel so hurt by you” or “I feel so unsupported.” Just speak whatever comes into your mind. Again, notice the tone of your voice? Is it sad, discouraged, childlike, scared, helpless? What is your body posture like? Are you slumped, downward facing, frowning?

3) Conduct a dialogue between these two parts of yourself for a while, switching back and forth between the chair of the criticizer and the criticized. Really try to experience each aspect of yourself so each knows how the other feels. Allow each to fully express its views and be heard.

4) Now occupy the chair of the compassionate observer. Call upon your deepest wisdom, the wells of your caring concern, and address both the critic and the criticized. What does your compassionate self say to the critic, what insight does it have? For example, “You sound very much like your mother” or, “I see that you’re really scared, and you’re trying to help me so I don’t mess up.” What does your compassionate self say to the criticized part of yourself? For example, “It must be incredibly difficult to hear such harsh judgment day after day. I see that you’re really hurting” or “All you want is to be accepted for who you are.” Try to relax, letting your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth? What is the tone of your voice? Tender, gentle, warm? What is your body posture like - balanced, centered, relaxed?

5) After the dialogue finishes (stop whenever it feels right), reflect upon what just happened. Do you have any new insights into how you treat yourself, where your patterns come from, new ways of thinking about the situation that are more productive and supportive? As you think about what you have learned, set your intention to relate to yourself in a kinder, healthier way in the future. A truce can be called in your inner war. Peace is possible. Your old habits of self-criticism don’t need to rule you forever. What you need to do is listen to the voice that’s already there, even if a bit hidden - your wise, compassionate self.

It can take some practice to not feel weird doing exercises such as this, but it's worth the effort and the sense of feeling silly. In fact, this work can trigger inner critic response, offering more fuel for the work of developing self-compassion.

Open Practice - Owning Our Parts with Integrity

Yesterday, I posted an Onion "article" here that made fun of how easily distracted men are by naked women, and how stupid the political polling process appears very often. The article was funny and it was good satire.

However, I felt the need to somehow justify and rationalize my choice to post it, rather than simply honor the adolescent part of me that enjoyed the humor and picture of an attractive naked woman. One of my Facebook friends called me on that disconnect. As soon as she made her comment, which resulted in a variety of responses from others, I knew she was right.

Here is my response to the conversation, where I try to own my parts and the disconnect I revealed - and do it with as much integrity as I can:

this is what happens when my inner adolescent gets a little free reign

seriously: when I first read Liz's comments, my felt sense was *shit, I hate when I act without consciousness* - and then my response was, *thank [fill in the deity of yo...ur choice] I have friends who will give me a gentle slap upside the head when I am not being conscious*

I see a lot of pieces of the truth in the various responses - yes, the NSFW should have been disclaimer enough - and yes, my extra words reveal some need to make myself seem "better than" the silly adolescent who found the article (and the image) amusing - better I should just honor the impulse and not do what Liz correctly observed in rationalizing it to myself or my readers

I appreciate the conversation and the growth opportunity (for me) that this errant post provided

it's good to have good friends :)

In a personal communication to Liz, the friend who saw my disconnect and did what good friends do, called me on it, I said this:

Mostly, I'm thankful that you risked the ensuing [conversation] to call me out when I acted in a manner that is less than who I am capable of being - your perspective on my need to rationalize the post was spot on and very useful to me - I was NOT in alignment, and I was not conscious of what my motivations were, so you pointing that out helps me grow

I really do make an effort to own and honor the various parts of myself - and when I don't, I hope my friends feel safe enough with me to call me on it, so BIG LOVE to you for being one of those friends

This last paragraph is the important part - owning our parts and our actions. Try as we might, we will all make mistakes, so this is where friends - real friends who are willing to risk denial to serve our growth - are so important.

For many men, the only place they can find this is in men's groups - where men work to develop both the fearlessness to be vulnerable in their "shadow" stuff, and the courage to stand in truth when someone is not in alignment.

I am fortunate to have friends, both in meatspace and the virtual space, who will do this for me. It's a huge gift, and I am so very grateful.

Most importantly, I wanted to share this with my readers as a form of Open Practice, a way to be transparent in my own personal growth. To me, it's important that men model these things for each other as a support for doing this kind of work.

So, my apologies to you, the reader, for not being in full awareness and alignment with my desire to have this blog be an honest place of mature masculinity. I can still express and honor my adolescent parts (they are welcome in the conversation), but I want to do so without trying to rationalize them, which only serves to deny their unique truth.

Tags: open practice, shadow work, friendship, honesty, disconnect, parts, friends, integrity, mistakes, alignment, owning my parts

Open Practice - Reclaiming Anima Projections

Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and Arjuna Ardagh recently posted a manifesto

- The Conscious Man's Manifesto - over at Facebook. The manifesto came out of a discussion around Ardagh's column at Huffington Post called Why It Is Wise to Worship a Woman. For a variety of reasons, it doesn't sit well with me (nor does the manifesto).

Here is a piece of what he wrote in that original article:

First, do you get what I'm talking about? Does it jive for you? Does it make sense? And second, if yes, how are you going to get from where you are now to being able to the full capacity of your heart to love for real? I'd be glad to share more about this if we get to know each other better, but here's how you get started.

First, do what I did, and create an altar in your room dedicated to Divine Feminine. Put only symbols of the feminine on it. I have a painting called "Beatrix" by Dante Gabriel Rossetti. I have a statue of Quan Kin. Populate your altar with anything that reminds you of the feminine, and spend a few minutes of the day in worship. Yes, worship. Adoration. Devotion. Offer up rose petals. Offer poems. Offer everything, and beg Her to reveal Her innermost essence to you. This will work miracles whether you're single and waiting to meet the right woman or whether you're already in relationship and long to meet your woman in a deeper way.

The second way to get started: make a practice, a discipline, of telling your woman, or any woman, ten times a day something which you adore about her. "I love the smell of your shampoo." "I love the way you laugh." "The color of your eyes is so beautiful." Of course, you need to keep it appropriate. You can go as far out on a limb as you like if you're in relationship with a woman, but with anyone else remember the gates. Keep you communication appropriate to the gate number that you find yourself at. Appreciation the curve of a woman's breast, for example, if she happens to be the cashier at the supermarket, would equate more to harassment than worship.

OK, seriously, all I hear in reading this is "worship" blah blah blah "goddess" blah blah blah "divine" blah blah blah "feminine" blah blah blah. The second part is better - we need to show our affection for our women, with words, but also with touch, our eyes, and every other way we can.

But the first part, the worship stuff? Been there, done that - had the painful break-up to show for it (to each woman I did this to, my sincerest apologies).

When we treat women as the goddess or divine feminine, more often than not we are projecting our sense of our own feminine, the anima in Jung's terminology (literally, Latin for soul), onto the human woman in front of us.

It's been my experience (and so if you are a woman reading this please correct me if I am wrong), that most women do not want to be idolized as goddesses or the divine feminine or any other pre/trans New Age object of devotion. Well, OK, maybe once is while, but not a standard part of the relationship.

In my experience, most women would love it if we could simply see them and appreciate them exactly as they are - beautiful, female, sexy, smart, funny, sensitive, wounded, insecure, strong, growing, anxious - the whole human mix. When we can see them and hold them when they are hurting and needing our strength as a container, and yet KNOW and SHOW that we do not see them as weak or broken, but as WHOLE human beings, the woman will feel safe to be open and vulnerable, and there is no better way to create intimacy that to be open with each other, fully and humanly open.

And here is the real secret guys - we have to do the same thing. We want to be seen as strong, powerful, directed, and focused, but we also have fears, anxieties, insecurities and if we can share these with our women, they will feel safe to share with us.

Real, strong, lasting intimacy is built on being vulnerable with each other - and that means being able to see the other person in all their complexity and love all the scars as well as the strengths, and to be able to show all our strengths and scars.

When I read stuff like this, from the manifesto, I see why so many relationships fail:

It’s Time To Usher In A New Era Of Goddess Worship

It’s our belief that the next step in our evolution as men rests in a restoration of our appreciation of women. By devoting ourselves to the worship of the divine feminine we discover the divinity of the masculine. By ‘worship’ we draw on two dictionary definitions: 1) we approach you with the reverence given a divine being, and 2) we pay you extravagant respect and admiration.

I call bullshit on this kind of anima projection - it is NOT what men need and it is NOT what most women want. I know because I have done this - and the women end up feeling as though I was in love with some idealized image they can never live up to.

And in reality, when we worship women as goddesses we are worshiping our own projected feminine - in a psychological sense, it's a form of narcissism.

What we really need, in my opinion, is to usher in a new era of emotional honesty and relational intimacy between men and women - and that means we must fully show up as men, and that we must allow our female partners to fully show up as women, and not confine them to a box of goddess worship where we do not really see the human being who needs our love, not our worship.

Tags: men, women, relationships, intimacy, vulnerability, spirituality, open practice, anima, projection, goddess, worship, divine, feminine, Gay Hendricks, Arjuna Ardagh, The Conscious Man's Manifesto, Why It Is Wise to Worship a Woman, New Age, authenticity, openness, honesty

Day Two - Evolving Men's Conference: Personal Reflections

Evolving Men's Conference

Chogyam Trungpa: Freezing the Space

Someone is walking toward us—suddenly we freeze. Not only do we freeze ourselves, but we also freeze the space in which the person is walking toward us. We call him “friend” who is walking through this space or “enemy.” Thus the person is automatically walking through a frozen situation of fixed ideas—”this is that” or “this is not that.” This is what Buddha called “wrong view.” It is a conceptualized view which is imperfect because we do not see the situation as it is.

From “The Eightfold Path,” in The Myth of Freedom and the Way of Meditation, pages 118 to 119 in the Shambhala Library edition.

When I found this quote in my email today from Ocean of Dharma, it resonated with how I was feeling about coming to Boulder for this gathering of evolving men, leaders of men's groups, and men who work with men. I had expectations . . . very few of which were realized in what happened this weekend.

If I had remained stuck in those expectations, those thoughts of "this, not that," or "this is not that," I would have missed out on an excellent, transformative experience - I would have missed out on connecting with some beautiful loving men (and some very wonderful, supportive women who called us out a few times and helped contain us a few times), and on finding some places in me where I need to do more work if I am to be an effective leader, coach, or therapist.

At one point today, Jayson called us out on not showing up in our fullness - for projecting our "perfection" and not showing the places where we are fucked up in some way. He called on us all to be transparent - to say, "I have places where I am wounded and broken, and I don't always know the answers." To model our growth process.

How can we expect men to show up and say, "I am hurting, I'm lost, I'm confused," if we do not model for them that it is OK to do that" And not only is it OK, but it takes some serious courage and strength to say, "I'm fucked up, and I need help."

That is my challenge to myself. Jayson's way of showing up is not my way, but I am on board with his challenge - I want to have an open practice, an open dialogue - I don't know all the answers, I am not an example of a fully present and healed man - and I don't know anyone who is all that. But I am committed to my growth - and to your growth - and to serving men who want to find their tender warrior heart, their fearlessness.

Chogyam Trungpa is the teacher who brought me to men's work, who taught me that fearlessness is not about facing down a lion, or a mugger - fearlessness is about facing myself, my wounds, my pain, my imperfections, and being compassionate with myself about those wounds. And if I can do that with myself, and for myself, then I can be fearless with your pain, compassionate with your wounds, and be tender with your broken heartedness.

That's where I am as the conference wrapped up today - in fact I tweeted this comment this morning before Jayson called us out:

I need to be more present in my primary relationship - I can be more present to Jami, who deserves my full attention.

In my life, at this moment, that is my edge - being a better partner to the woman I love, who totally supported me in coming here, even though it was not the best idea financially. She gives me so much support to follow my passion around men's work, around blogging and writing, around being in school, and I have not been as present to her as she sometimes needs - I get caught up in "doing" when she sometimes just needs me to sit down with her and "be."

I feel sad that I have failed to do that, and grateful that she allows me to be my imperfect self and still loves me.

So, anyway . . .

BIG THANKS to Jayson for having the vision to make this weekend happen - and maybe we need to do it again and again before we are ready to host a conference.

Stay tuned, I'll have more thoughts to share in the coming days.

Tags: men, men's work, masculinity, culture, open practice, personal growth, Jayson Gaddis, Evolving Men's Conference, #EMC2010, transparency, Chogyam Trungpa, warrior heart, fearlessness, tenderness