Tami Simon Speaks with John Welwood: Healing the Core Wound of the Heart

The good folks at Sounds True made this Tami Simon discussion with John Welwood, from back in July, available for free at their site. Welwood is one of the clearest and most nurturing writers there are in the area of psychology and spirituality. His book, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart, is one of my all-time favorite books, and should be essential reading for relationships.

John Welwood: Healing the Core Wound of the Heart

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Tami Simon speaks with Dr. John Welwood, a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, and practicing student of Buddhism and Eastern contemplative psychology. Dr. Welwood is an author whose books include Journey of the Heart and Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, and with Sounds True he has created the audio learning program Conscious Relationships.

Dr. Welwood is a clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, and author. He trained in existential psychology and worked closely with Eugene Gendlin at the University of Chicago, where he received his PhD in clinical psychology in 1974. He has also been a practicing student of Buddhism and Eastern contemplative psychologies for forty years.

In the 1980s, he emerged as a major contributor to the leading-edge fields of transpersonal psychology and East/West psychology. The former Director of the East/West Psychology Program at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco, he is currently an editor of the Journal of Transpersonal Psychology. He trains psychotherapists in psychotherapy in a spiritual framework and leads trainings on psychospiritual work and embodied presence throughout the world.

In this episode, Tami speaks with Dr. Welwood about his understanding of the relationship between psychological work and the spiritual journey, as well as his view of the phenomenon of “spiritual bypassing.” He also spoke about committed relationships and the most common issue that couples present in couples therapy. (61 minutes)

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Conscious Relationships $13.10 more details

The Impending Death of a Friend

First a little background - I have been training a husband and wife, both of whom are serious cyclists and both of whom are in their 60s, for the better part of five years. I have been training her, M, year-round, while I generally trained him, R, during the off season and early into the season. Like many of my clients, I feel like I know them very well and I think of them as friends.

A year ago this last December, in 2010, R was diagnosed with intestinal cancer after a couple of months of poor recovery after rides and just generally feeling worn out. It was operable with minimal issues.

However, as is often the case, the cancer had spread to the liver and was quite advanced. He was immediately put on chemotherapy. Over the following year, the chemo was adjusted a couple of times, and the progress was less than hoped. Early on, the tumor had ceased growing, but it was not shrinking. Over that time, R lost an incredible amount of weight, became increasingly fatigued, and has nearly lost his voice. Also during the past couple of months, the pain has become much worse, and he nearly always on some form of morphine at this point.

When M came in for her session this week, she told me that R had spoken with the docs and they have decided to stop the chemo and make arrangements for a hospice nurse. If possible, he wants to stay in the home until the end.

One of my clients, as I have mentioned before, is a cancer researcher. I knew from talking with her that the outlook was not good from day one. Somehow, though, I never stopped hoping that R would beat this and be okay. I certainly never wanted M to know that I was not fully convinced he could beat the big C.

I don't think she is able to feel the feelings at this point - she is in survival mode, which I totally get. I would be the same way.

But I have been unable to stop thinking about his impending death - R said two or three weeks but it's not clear if that is the prognosis from the docs or just his sense of it. The last time I saw him he looked tired and skeletal from the weight loss. But we talked until his voice gave out, and he seemed to be full of fight and determination.

But this is who he is - stoic, quiet about his suffering, unwilling to show weakness or pain, even to his wife. To him, he is sheltering her from the harsh reality of his pain. In his mind, this is how men are - and in that way, he shares a lot with how my father was with his heart disease and other health issues.

I am choosing to remember him with a wry smile, a deadpan sense of humor, and a competitive spirit that made him an outstanding softball pitcher (fast pitch), able to make a living in his youth hustling pool, and an excellent cyclist into his mid-60s.

And the hardest part will be seeing how this impacts M, seeing her pain and loss, because I know those feelings. I have offered any support she needs, and she will not ask for any. For her, the hour each week she spends with me is an escape from everything else, a time to focus on the weights, chat about pro cycling, or whatever else is current.

Everyone copes in their own way - I will gladly offer that hour each week, with an open heart for whatever she needs.

Robert Augustus Masters - Eros Undressed: Into the Heart of Sex

Over at Integral Life, Robert Augsutus Masters has offered a new article in his monthly column - "Eros Undressed: Into the Heart of Sex." He presents, as usual, some very clear insights on the perspectives from which we see our sexuality:

And there is so much that we expect sex to do for us! More often than we might like to admit, we assign it to stress release, security enhancement, spousal pacification, egoic gratification, pleasure production, and other such tasks. We may use it as a super sleeping pill, a rapid-action pick-me-up, an agent of consolation, a haven or hideout, a control tactic, a proof that we’re not that old or cold. We may also employ it as a psychological garbage disposal, a handy somatic terminal for discharging the energies of various unwanted states, like loneliness or rage or desperation. Mostly, though, we just tend to want sex to make us feel better, and we use it accordingly, whether in mundane, dark, or spiritual contexts.

He argues that we will never have any freedom around sexuality and sexual intimacy until we can release it from our needs for it to make us feel better.

Here is the beginning of the article.

Eros Undressed: Into the Heart of Sex

Posted October 25th, 2011 by Robert Augustus... in Integral Post

Editor's Note: We are very happy to have Robert Augustus Masters as a regular monthly contributor to Integral Post. I find Robert's work with intimacy, sacred relationships, and monogamy as a vehicle for awakening to be utterly fascinating, inspiring, and timely, and consider it to be a crucial component to any ongoing Integral Life Practice. —Corey

Sex is, not surprisingly, a highly charged topic in contemporary culture.

How-to books and courses on sex abound, pointing out various ways to get turned on or more turned on in a relationship, with little or no attention given to actually exploring the very turned-off-ness that seemingly necessitates finding out how to get turned on. Judging from the sheer volume of such books and courses, plus an immense amount of personal testimony from all quarters (for example, the great number of American women who admit that they don’t enjoy sex with their husband), it appears that there’s an abundance of sexual dysfunction and dissatisfaction within relationships.

There is plenty of focus on this, accompanied by all kinds of remedies, but not nearly so much focus on how dysfunction and dissatisfaction in the nonsexual areas of relationship might be affecting one’s sexuality.

We are usually quite reluctant to cast (or even to permit the casting of) a clear light on what actually may be happening during our sexual times with our partner—other than biologically—but without this, we are simply left in the dark, pinning too much on what we hope sex will do for us.

And there is so much that we expect sex to do for us! More often than we might like to admit, we assign it to stress release, security enhancement, spousal pacification, egoic gratification, pleasure production, and other such tasks. We may use it as a super sleeping pill, a rapid-action pick-me-up, an agent of consolation, a haven or hideout, a control tactic, a proof that we’re not that old or cold. We may also employ it as a psychological garbage disposal, a handy somatic terminal for discharging the energies of various unwanted states, like loneliness or rage or desperation. Mostly, though, we just tend to want sex to make us feel better, and we use it accordingly, whether in mundane, dark, or spiritual contexts.

Not only do we hear more and more about “sexual addiction,” our culture itself is so ubiquitously sexualized that it arguably could be described as sex-addicted. 

Read the whole article.