Via After Hours LifeHacker, this is an interesting compilation and debunking of myths around sexuality. Most of them were familiar to me, a couple are new.

10 Stubborn Sex Myths That Just Won't Die, Debunked

Adam Dachis

myth busting

Friday 8:00am

 

Perhaps you've heard that size matters, women are naturally more bisexual than men, or that tantric sex means everlasting orgasms. The fact is, none of these things are quite true. Sex has been around forever, but we're just starting to understand it. Today we're debunking 10 of the most common sex myths to set the record straight.

I like sex as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to pretend for a second that I'm an expert. To help get to the bottom of each myth on our list, I requested a little help from some top sexologists: Dr. Debby Herbenick (research scientist at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, and author multiple books including Sex Made Easy), Dr. Lindsey Doe (doctor of sexual health and host of Sexplanations), and Dr. Amy Marsh (clinical sexologist and sex counselor). Let's get down to business and find out what we do know.

Myth 1: Penis Size Matters

Men seem to care a lot about the size and shape of their penises, but do women—or even other men? And how much does it actually affect performance in the bedroom? Some argue larger penises can create a more intense orgasm during penetrative sex. Others presume that men with smaller members make up the difference with added effort. So is it all a wash in the end? Debby argues it can depend on the person but ultimately has more to do with a psychological connection than anything else:

To some people, size does matter. They may wish their partner were longer or shorter or thinner or thicker. The bottom line, however, is that research consistently finds that sexual satisfaction is more influenced by psychological connection, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction–not just the size or shape of a person's genitals. In our study of more than 1600 men, we found the average erect length was about 5.6 inches, with most men hovering around that average. How two people connect through sex is typically more important than the size of the parts, however. A great book for better technique? "Great in Bed."

Amy agrees, and notes some men might underestimate what they've got and that there's no one-size-fits-all when it comes to genitalia:

Size matters to those who let it matter, and that includes men and women. People have and inflict too much body shame about genitals. Some even worry when they are "average." For example, men who look downward at their penises (or who have belly fat) may see them as smaller than they actually are. Sometimes a larger penis may be "too large" for oral sex, but just right for penetration. Or a smaller penis may feel just right for oral sex, as it can be taken more completely into the mouth. Motion, rapport, depth of intimacy, lovemaking skills, and/or positions often have more to do with partner satisfaction than size.

So what should you do if you're unhappy with the size of your package? Stop worrying so much about what you're working with—whether too large, too small, or too average—and figure out how you can use it to please your partner. Any partner worth your time won't reject you solely based on the size of your penis, and if they really want something different from time to time you can supplement your sexual regimen with toys.

On the other side of the issue, if you have a partner who struggles with his size, be supportive. If the sex is good, let him know. When it isn't, make suggestions that will increase your pleasure. It may be his insecurity, but good partners should help each other.

Myth 2: Men and Women Reach Their Sexual Peak at the Same Time

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When do men and women reach their sexual peak? Some believe men get there sooner in their late teens and early twenties while women experience similar results a little later in life. Debby believe there's no real way to know for sure:

I hear this all the time and everyone means something different (frequency of sex, enjoyment of sex, ease of orgasm, etc). But however I look at it, I can't make full sense of it. Do men have easier erections at 18 than age 70? Sure, but the sex may be more meaningful and satisfying at 70 than 18 (generally speaking). Enjoyable sex can happen at any age. It's rarely all physical or all emotional. Sex is this fascinating place where our bodies and emotions and past experiences and future hopes collide, and that can result in something pretty spectacular at any age. If you think you've reached your peak, forget it. The best may still be yet to come.

The same advice goes for those who haven't reached their peak. You shouldn't worry about it. So long as you're comfortable with who you are, understand your own body, and remain reasonably open to new experiences, you should have no problem enjoying a satisfying sex life. Whether a "peak" comes or not doesn't matter much if you're having a good time.

Myth 3: Most Women Can Achieve Orgasm From Vaginal Sex Alone

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Wouldn't it be easy if orgasms resulted from simply following instructions? Just insert Tab A into Slot B, move it around for awhile, and enjoy. Perhaps because it more often works that way for men, this unfortunate myth arose for women. Most don't achieve orgasm from vaginal sex alone even though it's possible—anatomically speaking. Debby explains:

It's not that simple to determine who "can" have an orgasm from a certain type of sex (after all, whether someone has an orgasm during sex depends on more than just their ability, but also on how they feel about their partner, their partner's technique, etc). And when women have orgasms from penile-vaginal intercourse, it's not always clear-cut how exactly the orgasm came to be. After all, the clitoris has inside parts and outside parts and intercourse stimulates both. The vagina, including the G-spot area, is also stimulated during intercourse as are nerves around the cervix, including the vagus nerve, which is one pathway to orgasm.

Continuing on that theme, Amy notes that orgasms can occur in all sorts of ways:

Humans have been studying one another sexually for thousands upon thousands of years. Yet for all that time spent diligently exploring one… Read…

Human beings can achieve orgasm in all kinds of ways. Mary Roach, author of Bonk, found a woman who could think herself to orgasm and another who orgasmed while brushing her teeth. However, the persistent emphasis on vaginal orgasm at the expense of clitoral stimulation is incredibly damaging. It's more more accurate to say that the "majority of women" will need some kind of consistent clitoral stimulation in order to experience orgasm. And we should also remember what sex researcher Mary Jane Sherfey asserted as long ago as 1966: "the clitoris is not just the small protuberance at the anterior end of the vulva."

So how do most women achieve orgasm? Debby breaks it down:

What we do know very clearly is that women and men experience orgasm through diverse sexual behaviors. According to data from our 2009 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, most women (about 2/3) have orgasms when they have sex, and this could be from vaginal, clitoral, breast or other kinds of stimulation. And yet in another study, nearly 1/5 of women reported preferring oral sex in order to have an orgasm.

We can hash out statistics all day, but ultimately we still have a problem: orgasms are less common for women than men. For women who have difficulty achieving orgasm, Debbie recommends reading Sex Made Easy and Becoming Orgasmic for a little help.

Myth 4: Men Can't Have Multiple Orgasms

Men are known for shutting down and going to sleep post-ejaculation (for biological reasons), so the idea of multiple orgasms sounds almost ridiculous to many people. That said, it happens. Some men can do it naturally, but most have to work pretty hard. Amy explains:

Men can, but it's usually learned skill involving Taoist or Tantric techniques which include breath control and making a distinction between ejaculation and orgasm. You can find these techniques in books like Mantak Chia and Douglas Abram's account of Taoist sexual practices, The Multi-Orgasmic Man. It's interesting to note that sex researchers William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian said that 12% of men they'd studied were reporting multiple orgasms.

Debby notes that there are some men who can ejaculate repeatedly, however:

There are the rare men who can ejaculate over and over again, kind of how many women can orgasm repeatedly. Why this differences occurs is not well understood – and there's no sense it can be taught (these men seem to have some physical differences from other men).

While some men can ejaculate more than once, most can't and never will. That said, men looking for more than a single orgasm can teach themselves to achieve them.

Myth 5: Women Are Naturally More Bisexual

Females are generally considered a more fluid gender in regards to sex, but does that mean men are less likely to be bisexual? According to Lindsay, the answer is pretty straightforward:

Nope. While there is no consistent data on how many people identify as bisexual, we do see stats where there are twice as many bisexual men as there are women. Sexual orientation is natural, and no more for one gender than others; it may be more socially acceptable and therefore easier for women to express more flexibility or fluidity with their sexualities but this does not equate to their identities nor does it exclude the men who experience attraction for their sex and other sexes.

Debby concurs, citing a few studies of her own:

Sizable minorities of women and men have had sex with same-sex partners. For example, in one of our national studies, we found about 15% of women had had oral sex with another woman and about 11% of men had had oral sex with another man. Far fewer women and men identify as gay or lesbian or bisexual. Research suggests that both women and men may be somewhat "fluid" in their sexual feelings and behaviors.

Why is this myth so prevalent? It might have to do with higher amounts of "lesbian" pornography aimed at straight men, or a perceived cultural preference towards homosexual sex with women rather than men. While a number of factors may have contributed to this misinformation, it all started with a 2005 New York Times article that argued bisexual men do not exist. More recently, that study was finally debunked. Bisexual men have known this for years that they exist, but now science is finally backing them up. Tell your friends!

Read the rest of the article to see the other five myths.

Battle of the Sexes: The Orgasm Edition by Kayt Sukel

This article by Kayt Sukel was posted at Big Think a couple of weeks ago. Sukel looks at some research on the differences in male vs. female sexual response and orgasm. Men are often accused of not understanding the differences in the ways women respond sexually from how men respond, so this article offers a little step in rectifying that (overgeneralized, in my opinion) complaint.

Battle of the Sexes: The Orgasm Edition

Kayt Sukel on November 4, 2012

 

As I travel around and talk about the neuroscience of orgasm, there is one question I am consistently asked--usually by a particularly curious and outgoing person of the male persuasion: 

"Is my orgasm the same as my female partner's orgasm?"

There are questions about whether neuroscience can provide some answers to a few basic questions.  Can only women have multiple orgasms?  (Or, do women really have multiple orgasms at all?) Is what a man feels when he is reaching climax qualitatively (or quantitatively) the same as what a woman experiences? How are we the same?  How are we different?  Do those differences, if they exist, perhaps enhance (or detract) from sexual pleasure?

These are fascinating questions. But let's stick with the basic one:  is an orgasm the same whether it is experienced by a man or a woman?

Looking at anecdotal evidence, there is a pervasive notion that the male and the female orgasm are different entities altogether.  It's understandable, I suppose.  They can seem very, very different--from arousal to aftermath.  But, as it so happens, older research looking at the brain at orgasm suggested that the male and female orgasms were more alike than different.

Janniko Georgiadis and colleagues at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands compared cerebral blood flow in both men and women both during genital stimulation and at the point of orgasm using positron emission tomography (PET).  They found significant differences in activation patterns during arousal but not orgasm itself.  And they concluded that those differences were likely due to differences in our anatomical equipment--which, when you think about it, makes a lot of sense.  What works on arousing a penis may not be quite as magical when applied to a clitoris. (Though, different strokes for different folks...)

Of course, PET does not have the resolution or speed of a neuroimaging technique like functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).  Could it be the lack of differences between the sexes--differences which seem to many of us to be both obvious and innate--might be detected if we had better tools to examine the question?

It's entirely possible.  And very recently, Nan Wise and Barry Komisaruk, researchers at Rutgers University, decided to take a look.  As part of their series of studies on the time course of orgasm--that is, the chain of activation of brain components leading up to, during, and after orgasm--they compared men and women participants self-stimulating to orgasm.  Using fMRI and then a graphical causal modeling analysis technique, they compared effective connectivity, or how blood flow traveled between key areas of the brain like the cerebellum, the paracentral lobule, the nucleus accumbens and the frontal pole (areas that had been identified as important to orgasm in previous studies), as individuals self-stimulated to orgasm.

Wise and Komisaruk presented this work at Neuroscience 2012, the largest neuroscience conference in the world.  The preliminary results suggest that both men and women (whether women were self-stimulating manually or just "thinking off") showed significant activation of the frontal pole feeding back to the paracentral lobule, an area that processes sensorimotor signals from the lower extremities, at the point of orgasm. Think about that--the frontal cortex, an area involved in both planning and inhibition, is projecting back to an area involved with processing sensation.  Does that demonstrate fantasy?  Release?  Control?  Wise and Komisaruk aren't sure.

Yet, all groups showed this same effect.  So perhaps Georgiadis' study wasn't so far off the mark and things aren't as different on the orgasm front as they seem (though, in terms of full disclosure, Georgiadis never did find frontal cortex activation in any of his orgasm studies). 

Or are they?  When the group looked closer at effective connectivity, they did see slightly different activation patterns, both between the sexes and between individuals.  It's hard to know what to make of that.  Wise and Komisaruk are quick to point out that they need more participants to make any hard and fast conclusions about sex differences.

So next time I'm asked about the nature of the male vs. female orgasm, I'll have a little more to add to my explanation.  But my answer will have to be that the scientific jury, at least, is still out.  For now.

What do you think?  Is the male orgasm qualitatively and neurobiologically distinct from the female orgasm?

Photo credit: Vasilchenko Nikita/Shutterstock.com

Men Don't "Give" Women Orgasms, But We Can Help . . .

This is a very cool article from Michael Castleman, M.A. at his All About Sex blog at Psychology Today. Too many men - myself included - have been raised (by popular culture and lack of relationship education) to believe that sex or making love is all about our technique - if we do it right, she'll moan with pleasure. If she doesn't, well, we're horrible lovers and failures as men.

When my father gave me "the talk," he was straight up with the mechanics, answered my questions (which were all the wrong questions), and probably felt that he had done a good job. He left out one important part, however - the other person and what s/he feels.

Here are ten things I wish he had taught me then:

1. A LOT of women (3/4) cannot have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone - she needs direct manual (or oral) stimulation. It's sexy when she takes matters into her own hands, and if you learn how she likes to be touched, she'll love when you do it.
2. Every woman is different - getting to know her body and rhythms, likes and dislikes, is wonderful. Let it take some time, enjoy the journey. Oh, and there is much more to her body than mouth, breasts, and vagina.
3. She knows her body better than you ever will - be a good student and learn, and she will likely do the same for you.
4. Technique is far less important than being emotionally present and open. 
5. It's not about her orgasm or your orgasm, it's about the connection. Really. It's too easy to get caught up in the goal and then we miss the journey.
6. Sex is not about what you do with your penis, it's a whole body-mind-soul experience. If it isn't, you need to go back to #4 on this list.
7. There are as many ways to make love as there are days in your life - and I'm not talking about positions. I'm talking about energies - the mixture of your energy and her energy is different every time if you are present to the emotions. Let that chemistry enchant you.
8. Sometimes, it is about the orgasm, and it's good to just fuck.
9. Humans making love is both beautiful and absurd - it's okay to laugh at the occasional absurdity.
10. Aside from point #1 , everything on this list applies to same sex relationships, as well.

Unfortunately, I don't think my father knew these things. Some of these things I did not learn until my current relationship - and there is still more to learn.

Anyway . . . here is the article from Michael Castleman - he makes a couple of the same points I do.

6 Ways to Help Her Have Orgasms

Men don't "give" them. Men create the context in which women can have them.

Published on September 2, 2012 by Michael Castleman, M.A. in All About Sex

Many men believe that one goal of lovemaking is to “give” women earth-shattering orgasms. But orgasm is something no one “gives.” Orgasms are like laughter. Comedians might be funny, but they don’t “make” us laugh. We release laughter from deep within ourselves when conditions feel right. Rather than “giving” women orgasms, men should focus on what allows women to have them. These suggestions increase her likelihood of happy endings:

(1) Don’t expect her to have orgasms during intercourse. On TV and in movies and pornography, women always seem to have orgasms during intercourse. That’s much more fantasy than reality. In real sex, only about one-quarter of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse. The old in-and-out can be great fun, but it brings only a minority of women to orgasm. Three-quarters of women need direct stimulation of the clitoris.

The clitoris is the little nub of tissue that sits outside the vagina and a few inches above it beneath the upper junction of the vaginal lips. Even vigorous prolonged intercourse seldom provides enough clitoral stimulation for orgasm. Most women really need clitoral caresses from a hand, tongue, or vibrator. Unless she specifically requests intense touch, caress her clitoris very gently. It contains as many touch-sensitive nerves as the head of the penis, but they’re packed into an organ only about one-tenth the size. As a result, even gentle caresses may feel too intense for many women. Discuss this. If she doesn’t enjoy direct clitoral touch, caress around her clitoris.

(2) Touch her all over, not just those places. From the scalp to the soles of the feet, every square inch of the body is a sensual playground, but too many men focus on just a few corners and forget the rest. Touch her everywhere. All over. Every square inch. Think of sex as whole-body massage that eventually includes the genitals. Whole-body massage produces deep relaxation, which helps women (and men) have orgasms. Massage her gently from head to toe. Try massage lotion (available at bath and body shops). Some non-genital spots that can feel surprisingly erotic include: the scalp, ears, face, neck, feet, and the backs of the knees.

(3) Slow down. Extended sensual warm-up time helps women have orgasms. Compared with men, most women need considerably more time to warm up to genital play. Forget the wham bam you see in porn. When making love, do everything at half speed. Sex therapists recommend at least 30 minutes of kissing, cuddling, and whole-body sensual caressing before reaching between her legs.

(4) Use a lubricant. Wetter is better. In just seconds, lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. In addition, for women experiencing post-menopausal vaginal dryness, sex may feel uncomfortable without a lubricant.

The most widely used lube is saliva. It’s wet, free, and always available, but saliva dries quickly and it’s not very slippery. Vegetable oil is another possibility, but it can be messy and stain linens. Try commercial lubricants. They’re safe, inexpensive, and slippery. If they dry out, they can be refreshed with a few drops of water, or just apply a bit more. But don’t squirt lubricants directly on women’s genitals. That can feel cold and jarring. Squeeze some into your hand, rub it with your fingers to warm it, then touch her. Lubricants are available at pharmacies, near the condoms.

(5) Break out of routines. Ever notice how sex feels more arousing in hotels? That’s because hotel sex is non-routine. Biochemically, the brain chemical (neurotransmitter) dopamine governs libido. As dopamine rises, so does arousal and likelihood of orgasm. What raises dopamine? Novelty. So try something different—anything. Make love in a new location, in a different way, at a different time, or with a different ambiance, for example, candle light, music, and sex toys. Beforehand, try bathing or showering together, or treat yourselves to professional massages.

(6) Take a vibrator to bed. Even if you do all of the above, some women still have trouble with orgasm, and need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Today, one-third of American women own vibrators, but few couples include them in partner sex. Some men fear being “replaced.” Nonsense. Power tools don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more efficiently. Vibrators can’t kiss and cuddle, or make women laugh, or love them. They do just one thing, and some women need that one thing to have orgasms. Hold her close as you invite her to use the vibrator.

Just remember, you don’t “give” her orgasms. In a loving relationship, the man’s job is to create an erotic context that’s comfortable, relaxed, and sufficiently arousing enough so the woman can let herself go enough to climax.

Michael Castleman - Men Fake Orgasms, Too

This seems to me to be a risk of the casual sex trend - too much to drink (or drug), the newness of the partner, or even prescription medications (like antidepressants) all can make orgasm seem unlikely or impossible.

In a committed relationship, with trust and openness, faking it should never be necessary (or even an option). A little honesty goes a long way when we are clear that it's not about our partner, but about our own exhaustion, racing mind, or lack of emotional closeness (yes, some men need this, too, to relax into sexual expression).  If it is about your partner, it's time for a talk.

But when it's casual, or friends with benefits, no reason to hurt the other person's feelings, I guess.

Men Fake Orgasms, Too

Men faking orgasm? Unheard of! Well, no, not exactly. 

 

Published on February 14, 2012 by Michael Castleman in All About Sex

Over the past 40 years, many surveys have asked women if they've ever faked an orgasm, and consistently, half to two-thirds (53 percent to 65 percent) have said yes they have at least once.

But men faking orgasm? That's unheard of. Well, no, not exactly. Many sex therapists offer anecdotal reports, and a 1981 study of 280 college students (185 women and 95 men) showed the familiar rate among women (60 percent)—and faking by 36 percent of the men. But that was the only real study, until recently.

In 2010, researchers at the University of Kansas asked 281 undergraduates (180 men and 101 women) to complete an anonymous sex survey that included questions about faking orgasm. Consistent with previous findings, two-thirds of the women (67 percent) said they'd pretended at least once—and 28 percent of the men said the same.

While not a nationally representative sample, the participants included a reasonable demographic cross-section of college students: largely white, but some Asian, Hispanic, and African-American, and largely heterosexual, but some gay/lesbian or bi. Pretenders and non-pretenders reported generally similar sexual experience, but the fakers were more experienced, so they'd had more opportunities to pretend. Fakers were also sexually more adventurous, reporting more masturbation, oral sex, and anal play.

Most faking took place in established relationships (78 percent of the women, 53 percent of the men), but it also occurred among dating couples (2 percent of women, 16 percent of men), friends with benefits (10 percent and 9 percent), and casual hook-ups (10 percent, 16 percent).

No women faked it with men they'd just met, but 7 percent of the men did with new women acquaintances.

Most faking took place during vaginal intercourse (55 percent of the women, 80 percent of the men), but some occurred during oral sex (8 percent, 11 percent), or other unspecified sexual play (37 percent, 8 percent).

Women's pretending was rarely linked to alcohol, but men's was. Two percent of the women had some alcohol before faking orgasm and 6 percent said they were drunk. Meanwhile, 11 percent of the men had been drinking and 24 percent claimed they were drunk.

Faked orgasms typically involved acting—moaning, hip thrusting, and thrashing about in an effort to fool the partner. Young women's acting often tricks young men because guys with limited sexual experience may not recognize the pelvic muscle contractions of real female orgasms.

But men's orgasms produce visible evidence, semen, so how can men fake it? Condoms are often the key. Men thrust and moan, and then deftly discard the condom before the women notice there's nothing in it. But the men who'd pretended didn't always use condoms, so it seems that some college-age women are as clueless about men's orgasms as men can be about women's. As one man recalled about faking it: "She was like, well, did you get off? And I was like, yeah."

Men and women fake orgasms for similar reasons:

• Orgasm was taking too long or wasn't going to happen: women, 71 percent; men, 84 percent.
• They wanted the sex to end:  61 percent and 82 percent.
• They wanted to avoid hurting the partner's feelings: 69 percent and 47 percent.
• They felt bored, or tired, or sleepy, or no longer in the mood for sex: 56 percent and 72 percent.

This study confirms the previous research that a majority of women have faked orgasm at least once, and it corroborates the one previous study that men also fake it. Based on these two studies, it seems somewhere between one-quarter and one-third of college-age men have faked it, meaning that men pretend to have orgasms about half as much as women.

Have YOU ever faked orgasm? I'm especially hoping for comments from men. Why? And how did you explain the lack of semen? Or did you? I'm also interested in reports of faking by people older than college age. Is anything about faking different for older lovers?

The study: Muehlenhard, C. and S.K. Shippee. "Men's and Women's Reports of Pretending Orgasm," Journal of Sex Research (2010) 47:552.

Evolutionary Psychology is more crap than science, but sometimes it gets near to the truth, or at least offers a perspective that makes a little bit of sense.

If your partner is faking orgasms with you, there is now another option that you simply being a bad lover or mismatched sexual partner - she might be insecure about your loyalty to her.

Women Fake Orgasms as a Mate Retention Strategy

Faking orgasms to retain your man.

Published on December 4, 2011 by Gad Saad, Ph.D. in Homo Consumericus

 

When Harry Met Sally, starring Billy Crystal (Harry) and Meg Ryan (Sally), is perhaps one of the most loved romantic comedies of all-time. In an iconic scene at a diner, Harry proclaims to Sally that women have never faked an orgasm with him. Harry adds that he would know if women have faked it with him, and he is certain that this has never happened. Sally responds to his self-assuredness by offering a classic "fake orgasm" scene at the diner.

A majority of women have indeed faked orgasms at some point in their lives (sorry gentlemen!), which leads to the obvious question: Why are women compelled to engage in this form of fake signaling? In a forthcoming paper in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, Farnaz Kaighobadi, Todd K. Shackelford, and Viviana A. Weekes-Shackelford tackled this exact issue. As a side note, Todd Shackelford was one of the endorsers of my recently released trade book The Consuming Instinct (see my latest interviews with Reason TV and Kill Mag, in which I discuss key precepts from my book). Returning to the study, they theorized that faking orgasms might serve as a mate retention tactic. Specifically, women who perceived their partner as more likely to be unfaithful might fake orgasms more frequently (as one of several possible strategies for retaining their mate).

The researchers administered a survey to 453 women involved in long-term heterosexual relationships, which included the Mate Retention Inventory (MRI; 104 items that capture five types of mate retention strategies), and two items each to capture their partner's perceived likelihood of sexual infidelity as well as the extent to which the participants faked orgasms/sexual arousal. I shall report here two key findings (and will skip the findings associated with the meditational analyses; see the study's abstract for additional details):

(1) The likelihood of faking was positively correlated to infidelity risk (p < .001). In other words, women who felt insecure about their partner's loyalty were more likely to fake sexual arousal/orgasm.

(2) The likelihood of faking was positively correlated to each of the five MRI measures (all p-values less than 0.05). Women who engage in a wide range of mate retention tactics (ostensibly because they are likely to feel insecure in the relationship) are more likely to fake orgasms.

Gentlemen: If your woman frequently fakes orgasms, it might be that she is insecure about your loyalty to her (beyond the obvious possibility that you might not be a good lover!). One more source for male performance anxiety!

Women Experience Premature Orgasm, too

It's one of the things some men fear more than anything else - premature ejaculation. About 30% of men regularly experience this sexual dysfunction, which is generally defined not to much by the time it takes to reach orgasm as by the perceived dissatisfaction for both partners in the duration of intercourse.

Most men tend to think that if a woman orgasms quickly, then it's cool - less pressure to perform, and since women can often have multiple orgasms, then no worries, right?

Not so much - women feel badly about finishing too soon just as men do.

This comes from the United Academics blog.

Women peak too soon during sex


By Bendert Katier

Thursday October 27, 2011

Most people believe the premature orgasm to be a typical male problem. Women on the other hand are often expected to have difficulties reaching their peak. However, a new study shows that women too can come too fast, sometimes even as often as men. The study was conducted by researcher Serafim Carvalho and his colleagues at the Hospital Magalhães Lemos in Portugal.


Carvalho and his team found 510 Portuguese women between the ages of 18 and 45 years willing to participate. As it turned out, 40 percent sometimes came too fast, 14 percent experienced it on a regular basis and 3.3 percent noted to experience ‘dysfunctions’ as a result of premature orgasms.


The researchers, who published their study in the journal Sexologies, stated that some women who took part in the study thought they could control their orgasms completely, while others claimed to have a total lack of control. Not surprisingly, the second group was more likely to come prematurely, which could lead to discomfort and friction within the relationship.


“The same as men”

“I probably feel the same about climaxing prematurely as men do, there is no difference” said one woman who participated in the study. “I tend to come very quickly, even before my boyfriend has the chance and I find that very annoying. If I continue with sex after I’ve had an orgasm,I find that discomforting, my mood drops and my boyfriend stops making love to me. That makes me feel bad.”


S. Carvalho, A. Moreira, M. Rosado, D. Correia, D. Maia, & P. Pimentel (2011). Female premature orgasm: Does this exist? Sexologies.

Men Fake Orgasms - Is Porn to Blame?

Strong Silent Types - Stuff for Men (blogged by ultimo167) posted this research summary that I found quite interesting. It seems about 25% of college age men fake orgasms.

There is a huge belief in this culture that men are always ready, willing, and able to have sex - and that many of them struggle to last long enough to please their women. The researchers concluded: "Results suggest a sexual script in which women should orgasm before men, and men are responsible for women's orgasms."

Another study (see the 2nd article) showed similar results:

For its 2010 Great Male Survey, AskMen.com asked more than 100,000 men if they had faked an orgasm during intercourse. An average of 16 per cent said they had done it repeatedly; an additional 14 per cent admitted to faking, but just once.

For men, the ability to orgasm is tied to their "power" as a man - failing to do so would suggest they are not masculine enough, not fully men. That's nonsense of course, but it is a prevailing belief.

The more challenging and disturbing part, to me at least, is that this may be connected to young men spending too much time with porn - becoming so desensitized to anything but their own method that a real women is not adequate for orgasm. How sad is that?

Men Fake Orgasms Too

Posted: November 27, 2010 by ultimo167

A study published in the November 2010 edition of the Journal of Sex Research found that around 25 per cent of the 180 male university students surveyed had faked an orgasm when having sex with a woman. That included during penile-vagina intercourse, ‘oral sex, manual stimulation, and phone sex’ (Muehlenhard et al., 2010, p.552). The reasons proffered for why these men felt the need to engage in such interesting, if not altogether challenging, deception included wanting the sex to end, not wanting to hurt their partners’ feelings and accepting that ‘[o]rgasm was unlikely or taking too long’ (Muehlenhard et al., 2010, p.561)…

‘The specific methods that men reported most often were moaning or making other sounds, saying that they were orgasming, moving or thrusting faster or harder, freezing or clenching their muscles, and acting spent or exhausted. Many men reported multiple methods of pretending (e.g., ‘‘I made moaning noises and was saying things like ‘oh . . . I’m coming baby, I’m coming!!!’ ’’M-123)‘ (Muehlenhard et al., 2010, p.559).

According to sex therapist, Ian Kerner, what we really might be witnessing is something much more sinister than fake moans and fake trips to the bathroom to dispose of empty condoms. Kerner argues that the shift by many young men to a life filled with net porn and self pleasure might be relegating sex with women, or other men, to the too hard basket. I mean, who has the time for all that fuss and bother when instant gratification is already on your desktop? As real orgasms allegedly become increasingly delayed or non-existent, that leaves men so afflicted with the difficult choice of either fessing up to their partners or continuing to hone their shtick, with the utmost dread of ever being outed…

The article that ultimo167 referred to in the Globe and Mail is interesting. This article also mentions another issue some men don't talk about much - SSRI antidepressants can delay orgasm or even prevent it. But rather then being honest about this reality, many men would rather hide it and fake the orgasm.

The big O: Men fake it too

ZOSIA BIELSKI

They don’t scream affirmatives, call out to God or whip their hair around like a tornado. Then we’d know they were faking it.

But men fake orgasms too, for myriad reasons – not least of which is sparing their partner’s ego.

A recent University of Kansas study of nearly 300 college-age men and women found that 28 per cent of the men had faked an orgasm during intercourse.

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Why? Many knew a climax wasn’t in the cards. They were seeking to end the sex without hurting a partner’s feelings, the authors write in the study, published in the November issue of the Journal of Sex Research.

Beyond the why’s are the how’s: Wearing a condom helps to conceal the evidence (or lack thereof), as does an audible sigh – hardly the theatrics of Meg Ryan’s Sally Albright in the infamous deli scene in When Harry Met Sally.

And while Sally digs into her coleslaw with a smirk after faking a colossal orgasm at the table, there is a clear double standard, with male faking viewed as more duplicitous than the female variety.

“Women can kind of see the humorous side of faking it. It will never be a point of pride for any guy,” says James Bassil, editor-in-chief of lifestyle website AskMen.com. “They see their inability to climax as a reflection of their masculinity. It’s caveman stuff, which is why we don’t admit it to each other at work.”

For its 2010 Great Male Survey, AskMen.com asked more than 100,000 men if they had faked an orgasm during intercourse. An average of 16 per cent said they had done it repeatedly; an additional 14 per cent admitted to faking, but just once.

“For the most part, it’s not finishing on time or taking too long,” Mr. Bassil says, noting that readers also said they will do it when they “finish too early and are embarrassed to show it.”

“There is a pressure that both men and women feel to demonstrate pleasure to keep their partner happy.”

Besides this pressure, guys fake it because they’re tired, or uninspired. In comments made in response to a Salon.com post on the Kansas study, “DetroitRiverGuy” confesses, “I’ve faked it more than once. Sometimes it’s just boring and the quickest way to end it is pretending to get off. Women don’t have the monopoly on wanting to get some sleep.”

Other men pretend to climax because they feel they have not managed to do the real thing “on time.” It’s part of a stringent sexual script that borrows mainly from porn, where actors often have their orgasms simultaneously. When two people endeavour to choreograph their O’s, the end result can be that both feign it.

“On more than one occasion, I’ve counselled couples where each of them was faking it, but the other didn’t know. It’s a stunning realization,” says Ian Kerner, a New York-based sex therapist who wrote the influential tome She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring A Woman.

Although some couples see the big fake as a relatively simple way to spare themselves a painful conversation, they only lose out, Mr. Kerner says. “It’s the little white sexual lie that has become a much larger, more ingrained form of deception. Couples ... lose a teachable moment in their sex lives where they could have really communicated.”

Partner’s feelings aside, the bluff has much more to do with delayed ejaculation, a growing problem for men, experts say. SSRI-based antidepressants are partly to blame because they can delay or even stamp out orgasms, Mr. Kerner says.

But a more universal culprit may be Internet porn: “More men of all ages are masturbating more,” he points out, adding that it can lead to an “idiosyncratic masturbatory style” that desensitizes men toward their partners.

Porn has habituated many men to a terrain of “visual novelty” so vast they now have trouble focusing during real intimacy, Mr. Kerner says. “I think we’re going to see more and more young men experiencing this,” he says.

And if you’re caught faking? “Many women become angry. Some are stunned that a guy would fake it,” Mr. Kerner says.

Women aren’t the only ones being hoodwinked. Evan, a 27-year-old Toronto man who did not want his full name used, got busted on his second try with his male partner.

“The second time I tried to fake it, he totally knew,” Evan says, adding that he did it to “keep up” with his energetic boyfriend. “It was mostly having a younger partner and trying to please him by being satisfied. Sometimes it takes me a bit longer than it takes him,” he says.

He’s a bit more blunt today. “Now I don’t fake it. ... I tell him how hot he is and how much fun it was watching him.”

Why do men (and far more women) risk getting caught instead of having a bedroom chat? “Most of us are raised in a culture that eroticizes silence, and that correspondingly teaches us that talking about sex will ruin the mood,” says Peggy Kleinplatz, a professor in the faculty of medicine at the University of Ottawa who also has a sex therapy practice in the city.

Dr. Kleinplatz says problems arise because people do not pay enough attention to how sexually aroused they feel when they begin to have sex. “To the extent that people are having sex based on external cues, without really checking in with themselves or each other to see how aroused the other feels, it may take a very long time to get to the point where they’re close to orgasm.”

She points out that men using drugs such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis to increase the “staying power” of their erections (and women using lubricants) may mask the fact they are not all that excited. “Now what are they supposed to do? How are they supposed to make the sex end?”

In a study being published in January in the British journal Sex and Relationship Therapy, Dr. Kleinplatz notes that the past decade has seen an increase in clinical reports of delayed ejaculation in men. She is positing a link between erectogenic drugs and delayed ejaculation, as well as a link to lack of orgasm.

“Isn’t it interesting that both of these things seem to have been reported right after the release of Viagra, Levitra and Cialis? I’m asking the question: Is there a connection?”

Ultimately, though, the issue may be one of optics. “The problem is that we’re focusing on performance over pleasure,” Dr. Kleinplatz says.

Tags: ejaculation, fake orgasm, net porn, orgasm, premature ejaculation, Journal of Sex Research, men, masculinity, sexuality, pornography, porn, The big O, Men fake it too, Ian Kerner, James Bassil, SSRI, antidepressants, delayed orgasm