Sandra Kim - 6 Ways to talk to Your Son About Male Violence and Healthy Masculinity

Sandra Kim is the Founder and Editor of Everyday Feminism. In this guest post at the Good Men Project, she offers some useful advice on talking to our sons about male violence and what constitutes a more healthy and mature form of masculinity.

It's important that mothers and women be part of this discussion with boys and young men, and that daughters are also given the same information so that they do not grow up with unconscious expectations of men that covertly keep them locked inside the man box in order to be in relationship.

6 Ways to talk to Your Son About Male Violence and Healthy Masculinity

JANUARY 23, 2013 BY EVERYDAY FEMINISM

 

Our boys are being bombarded with messages on how to be “manly”—not all of them healthy. Men Can Stop Rape pairs with Sandra Kim to help parents support their sons’ healthy development.

It’s pretty common for us to worry about how women, especially our own daughters, are put into gender boxes and encouraged to engage in behavior that hurts them, simply because they’re female.

It’s far less common for us to worry about men, including our own sons, and what gender boxes and harmful behaviors they’re taught, simply because they’re male.

But they are. Boys as young as 4 year old are told to “be a man!”, usually in response to them crying or showing fear.

And as they grow up, they’re bombarded with messages that say to be a “manly” man, they need to:

• Be big and strong
• Be physically aggressive and ready to fight
• Show no emotions – especially fear or pain but anger is just fine
• Feel entitled to objectify women and sexually pursue women regardless of whether or not she’s interested

You only need to look at our thousands year old history of warring groups that pillaged, looted, and raped to see where this dominant idea of masculinity comes from.

It doesn’t take a leap of faith to see how this history has led to our society and media promoting images of masculinity as inherently obsessed with fighting and sex.

And then having some men turn that image into a reality where they feel entitled to assault and dominate others, particularly women.

Yet we seldom hear about how this male violence is connected to our traditional notion of masculinity.

And at the same time, while most violent acts are committed by men, most men are NOT violent.

So many men are caring, responsible, and non-violent people. But while many men don’t use violence to express their feelings or control others, many don’t feel comfortable showing the other sides of them for fear of being called “gay”, “girly”, “soft,” or “emotional”.

That’s why we need to change the conversation around masculinity. We need the definition of masculinity to reflect the diversity present in men beyond the narrow box they have now.

Not only to reduce the level of male violence but to also support men in accepting all parts of themselves and expressing themselves fully—without being shamed.

One organization fighting to do just that is Men Can Stop Rape. Through their Men of Strength Clubs (MOST Club), they have pioneered a violence prevention program that provides young men in middle school, high school, and college with a structured and supportive space to build individualized definitions of masculinity that promote healthy relationships.

Based on their highly effective program, here are some ideas of how to talk with your son and other men in your life about what masculinity means for them and its relationship to their lives and violence.

Here are the six topics she suggests - go to the Good Men Project to read the whole post.

1. Meet Them Where They’re At
2. Help Them To Identify Male Role Models They Know
3. Discuss How the Media Presents the Ideal Man
4. Discuss How Traditional Masculinity Shows Up In Their Own Behavior
5. Discuss the Role of Traditional Masculinity in Violence, Particularly Against Women
6. Discuss How Nonviolent Men Can Be a Part of Ending Violence

Tom Matlock - The Sweetest Sound

Tom usually offers inspirational posts at The Good Men Project, and he has an inspirational story that got him to this point in his life. This post is a little darker, but it offers a clearer glimpse into this past - a past that I can identify with all too well, even though I never reached his level of success.

The Sweetest Sound

January 17, 2011 By Tom Matlack

During my waking life I’ve always been tormented by noise—voices in my brain that turned terror into self-hatred.

For as long as I can remember I have had the same nightmare. My brother and I are in a prison buried deep beneath a mountain. The guards beat us. A fire breaks out. The guards flee, leaving us locked up. My dad is trying to get to us but he can’t. Just as the flames reach our cell, I wake up. I would stare into the dark and try to see something real to focus on—something to erase the images in my mind. Mom said that I’d often scream for quite some time before she could wake me up. Apparently, the unconscious drama had to play out to a certain point before I was allowed to escape death by fire.

During my waking life I’ve always been tormented by noise—voices in my brain that turned terror into self-hatred. The sensation in my body is bone grinding on bone. Tracing the origin of the noise is like trying to unravel the mysteries of the Big Bang. I am sure my parents’ utter commitment to justice, combined with my fragile nature, planted a seed that sprouted and flourished as my size (I was already six feet tall in the sixth grade) made me a freak. It became a cancer that grabbed my soul with its dark tentacles.

Despite being a swimmer of great promise, as a teenager I’d gorge myself on Oreos and banana bread until my stomach was distended, then look into the bathroom mirror with an overwhelming urge to smash my blond-haired, blue-eyed image. I discovered some small respite by going out for my daily 10-mile run through the hills that surrounded our house. I was always alone. I liked to run the same paths to reduce the mental energy required to figure out where I was going. The physical pain of running up those hills was what I sought. At the top, I could swear at the top of my lungs and no one could hear me. The payoff was the dead, dreamless sleep I craved. The noise stopped at least until the next morning, when I’d have to figure out a new way to obliterate my senses.

♦◊♦

From age 17 to 27 I was in a blackout. I experienced moments of freedom rowing boats in college, crushing opponents in our wake, but the main focus was all-out drinking; it required less effort than my physical trips to the other side. I flipped a car on the Massachusetts Turnpike, threw a couch out a high rise UCLA dormitory, got kicked out of Tuck Business School before attending my first class for lying on my application, put holes in any number of walls in frustration over relationships with random women—and still woke in the middle of the night in the prison of my own making.

Read the whole post.

Tags: Tom Matlock, The Sweetest Sound, psychology, Good Men Day, alcohol, mental health, self-hatred, voices, divorce, addiction, escape, fatherhood

December 1 Is Good Men Day

Spread the word.

On 12/1 we’re spreading the word about The Good Men Project throughout the online universe.

As always, all proceeds from book and dvd sales go to The Good Men Foundation, a registered 501(c)(3) charity that supports men and boys at risk. Charitable organizations such as The Boys & Girls Clubs of Boston, Big Brothers, Big Sisters, Trinity Street Potential, Dorchester Youth Alternative Academy, and Exodus Transitional Community are direct beneficiaries.

And so, on Dec. 1, we’re asking people to help in the following ways:

1. Forward a friendly note about the project to your friends.

2. Post one of our photos on your Facebook Wall. Grab one from Flickr, here.

3. Post a book purchasing link to your Facebook status, your Twitterstream and your web site.

4. Invite your friends to become a fan of The Good Men Project on Facebook

5. Buy the book/DVD combination for yourself or as a gift for others this holiday season. All proceeds go to the nonprofit Good Men Foundation supporting men and boys at risk.

6. If you have a community, religious group, or other non-profit that would be interested in promoting the book or holding a book signing, please contact info@goodmenproject.org

Here is some information about the Book and DVD that you can forward to your friends:

The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood, is a collection of first-person stories that comprise a book and documentary about what it means to be a man in America today. From Pulitzer winners to ex-cons, and pro Football Hall of Famers to just regular Joes, men share their defining challenges, losses and triumphs through honest and simple truths.

“The hope is that these stories will help men come to their own definition on what it means to be a good man,” says Tom Matlack, Good Men Project cofounder. “It’s about the deeper truth of how men think.”

The book and DVD of the film are available as a companion set, and all proceeds go to the Good Men Foundation, which supports organizations that help at-risk boys. It’s a perfect gift for the men in your life or the women who love them. Be a part of something – join what is fast becoming the centerpiece of a national discussion about what manhood means today.

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Finally, on 12/1 but also throughout the rest of the holiday season, we’re inviting ANY like-minded charity organization to use our book/dvd as a fundraiser. This is how it works: We have a standard email blast asking people to buy our book/dvd bundle for the holidays. We can track sales by email blast using a promotional code. So we would split the profit on any bundles sold with your unique tracking code. Please contact Tom or Lisa at info@goodmenproject.org if you are interested in learning more about how this effort can help raise money your worthy enterprise or charities, and get the word out about good men.

Tags: men, masculinity, Good Men Day, 12/1, Tom Matlack, Good Men Project