Back in March of 2011, I posted an article about NBA star Dwyane Wade's custody battle with his ex-wife, and the rather rare outcome of his victory. This was my introduction to the article:

It took a long court battle - one of the longest in Cook County history and one most men could not afford - for Dwyane Wade to win custody of his children from his (less than sane) ex-wife. She did everything she could do to destroy Wade's reputation, including accusations that Wade and his current girlfriend had sex in front of the children (as well as accusations of "parental alienation"). The judge ruled that Siohvaughn Wade’s (the ex-wife) "ability and/or willingness to ease these children through a transition" is seriously in question. Ya think?

Here is some of the article about the case and Wade's response:

“I am very thankful that the court has given me custody of my boys and they are already at home with me in Miami and settling in,” the Miami Heat guard said in a statement. “Going through a custody trial was difficult and I wish it hadn’t been necessary, but, I felt it was the only way that I could continue to play an active part of my kids’ lives and provide them with a happy and stable home. My hope is that their mother will also choose to play a healthy role in their lives and we can all move on from this in a positive way.”

Cook County Circuit Judge Renee Goldfarb issued a 102-page ruling late Friday.

“This is a very difficult decision for this court,” her ruling reads. “This will be an abrupt change for the children. However, this court has very grave reservations about (Siohvaughn Wade’s) ability and/or willingness to ease these children through a transition.”

Just this last June (2012), the ex-wife was charged with child abduction for allegedly failing to return their sons, ages 10 and 5, to Wade as scheduled over the Father's Day weekend. She took the 5th to avoid self-incrimination in the hearing. Wade, who has sole custody, is now seeking termination of her visitation rights since this is the not first time she has refused to adhere to the court-mandated custody arrangement.

He has now written a book about his experience as a father and a professional athlete and appeared at Google to talk about the book - A Father First: How My Life Became Bigger Than Basketball.

Authors@Google: Dwyane Wade - "A Father First: How My Life Became Bigger Than Basketball" 

A Father First: How My Life Became Bigger Than Basketball

Dwyane Wade, the eight-time All-Star for the Miami Heat, has miraculously defied the odds throughout his career and his life. In 2006, in just his third season in the NBA, Dwyane was named the Finals' MVP, after leading the Miami Heat to the Championship title, basketball's ultimate prize. Two years later, after possible career-ending injuries, he again rose from the ashes of doubt to help win a gold medal for the United States at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. As co-captain, he helped lead the Heat to triumph in the 2012 NBA Championship. Little wonder that legendary coach Pat Riley has called Dwyane "B.I.W."—Best In the World.

As incredible as those achievements have been, it's off the court where Dwyane has sought his most cherished goal: being a good dad to his sons, Zaire and Zion, by playing a meaningful role in their lives. Recounting his fatherhood journey, Dwyane begins his story in March 2011 with the news that after a long, bitter custody battle, he has been awarded sole custody of his sons in a virtually unprecedented court decision. A Father First chronicles the lessons Dwyane has learned as a single dad from the moment of the judge's ruling that instantly changed his life and the lives of his boys, and then back to the events in the past that shaped his dreams, prayers, and promises.

In A Father First, we meet the coaches, mentors, and teammates who played pivotal roles in Dwyane's stunning basketball career—from his early days shooting hoops on the neighborhood courts in Chicago, to his rising stardom at Marquette University in Milwaukee, to his emergence as an unheralded draft pick by the Miami Heat. This book is a revealing, personal story of one of America's top athletes, but it is also a call to action—from a man who had to fight to be in his children's lives—that will show mothers and fathers how to step up and be parents themselves.

Vicki Larson - Are Men Society's Scapegoats?

It's always interesting to me when some of the best defenses of men come from women. This is an interesting piece that tries to suggest that in cases of alleged rape, domestic violence, or even in child custody proceedings, there is not an even playing field for men and women - men are always assumed to be perpetrators, even when they are sometimes victims.

The MRA guys could take a lesson here - Larson is not blaming all women, or feminism, or suggesting that most men are getting the short stick - she presents a solid argument without broad and inaccurate generalizations, which makes her more believable.

Are Men Society's Scapegoats?

Vicki Larson - Journalist, mother, thinker

Posted: 7/12/11

Gabriel Aubry is being a bad dad. Well, we don't know that for a fact; all we know is that actress Halle Berry, with whom the model had a daughter, now 3, is claiming that he's been neglectful. She may be right, she may be wrong, but in the eyes of much of the world, Aubry's already guilty.

People can -- and do -- say anything they want in a nasty custody or divorce battle. And as a society, we often tend to assume the worst about men. But what if we're wrong?

We're used to men being violent. Literature, movies and video games are full of heroes and antiheroes who kill and maim their way into our hearts and nightmares. At the same time, we tell boys to "suck it up" instead of expressing pain, leaving them few emotions but anger. Then we chastise them when they actually get angry -- or live in fear of their anger. And sometimes we use the one emotion we've allowed them to our advantage.

Men, of course, aren't the only ones who can do damage; statistics show that women can be just as violent as men. But while the Violence Against Women Act provides millions of dollars for shelters for abused women, you don't see too many shelters -- any, actually -- for abused men. "It's often been taken for granted that women can't really do that much damage, so it's OK to maybe slap your boyfriend or do something of that nature," says Kellie Palazzolo, an assistant professor at Arizona State University's Hugh Downs School of Human Communication who is overseeing research on how college students perceive female and male perpetrators.

That may be why so many women applauded Elin Nordegren's alleged golf club attack on then-hubby Tiger Woods -- we just don't like to think of women being violent except in self-defense. He cheated on her; he made her do that!

And in the "he said-she said" of so many marital breakups, like that of Hulk and Linda Hogan, where she claims he was violent and abusive and he says she's "delusional," or of actress Meredith Baxter, who claims in her memoir, "Untitled", that she was physically and psychologically abused by ex David Birney, while he says her book's "an appalling abuse of the truth," whom do we believe?

Same when it comes to sexual violence. In the "he said-she said" of former International Monetary Fund chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who was released from house arrest last week, and the 32-year-old hotel maid he allegedly raped, the maid has a history of lying and Strauss-Kahn has a history of sexual predation. Whom do we believe?

Hélène Périvier, co-director of the gender program at Paris' Institut d'Etudes Politiques, worries the fallout of the DSK case may hurt women; while false reports of rape and sexual violence are statistically rare, she says, "it suffices to cement doubts and discredit the word of women going to the police in the future."

But women, like men, lie, and the results can be devastating. And false reports of rape and sexual violence are not as statistically rare as Périvier and others may believe, according to many experts, including Dr. Warren Farrell, chair of the Commission to Create a White House Council on Boys to Men, who details the results of numerous studies in his books "Father and Child Reunion" and "The Myth of Male Power." In fact, they occur often during divorce.

As Farrell writes:

"Men are about 19 more times more likely than women to say they have been falsely accused of sexual abuse. About 85 percent of these abuse allegations are made by women during battles over parent time, during the throes of divorce, or when a live-in situation is failing. ... "(A) sex-abuse charge -- even if false -- often costs the father his job, his health, his friends, his reputation, and his relationship with his child."

Like the hotel maid who allegedly discussed the possible benefits of pursuing charges against Strauss-Kahn, we're all -- men and women -- able to exploit each other. When it comes to custody cases, however, the odds are often stacked against dads. "Some women are coached to make false allegations of domestic violence, rape and child abuse," says Dr. Tara Palmatier, the no-nonsense founder of A Shrink 4 Men, in an email exchange with me. "Their attorneys may file baseless restraining orders to raise the stakes on men in the divorce or custody cases. These tactics don't just hurt men: they create widespread cynicism about the family court and the efficacy of the justice system."

Oregon took a bold step to address that last week when Gov. John Kitzhaber signed into law HB2183, which comes down hard on anyone knowingly making a false case of child abuse. The key is "knowing," says the bill's sponsor, Rep. Wayne Krieger, who acknowledged that false accusations often arise between divorcing couples.

But, how often is that? The U.S. Department of Health and Human Service's Administration for Children & Families says of the percentage of the 3.3 million referrals for child abuse and neglect in 2009 it investigated, "Two-thirds of reports found all allegations to be unsubstantiated or intentionally false (64.3% and 0.1%, respectively)." But child abuse or neglect is just a small part of false claims in custody battles.

Many high-conflict custody cases don't start out that way, Farrell says, because most about-to-be divorced moms recognize that kids need their dads, too. But divorce offers a chance to start over -- maybe move closer to one's parents or to a new love, or relocate for a new job. If a savvy lawyer informs a woman that her ex could get equal custody, thus putting the kabosh on her plans, and then asks if she ever feared him, whether he ever cursed at her, called her names, raised his voice or screamed in a fit of rage, "I'm so angry at you, I could kill you" -- and what marriage doesn't have some sort of anger, yelling or threats? -- well, there's a false case of abuse in the making, he says. Divorces can become high conflict if a dad, realizing that his ex's plans may cause him to lose his kids and he doesn't want to lose them, cries, "No way!"

In the custody battle between champion fighter Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell and his ex, Lori Geyer, over their 12-year-old son, accusations are flying on both sides. Who knows who's telling the truth? But one thing Geyer may have on her side is fear; she says Liddell tried to intimidate her by "pacing back and forth and staring her down." And fear is enough to raise the shadow of a doubt, Farrell says. Most judges would rather take the safe route -- after all, who wants to make a mistake and put a child or woman back in an abuser's control?

And so men walk around somewhat guilty until proven innocent. And sometimes, no one's too interested in proving them innocent.

Farrell is. He gets weekly calls from men who say they're being falsely accused. So is Palmatier. The clinical psychologist has worked with numerous men in abusive relationships who feel unheard. Men, she tells me, are often default scapegoats. A woman hits a man and we assume he did something to her to justify it. A father doesn't see his kids so he must be a deadbeat dad, even if the truth is that his ex has done everything in her power to keep him from them. A woman screams and neighbors call the cops who arrest the husband when it was the wife who assaulted him.

"As a society, we don't typically think of men in the role of a victim. We can't even recognize it when we're confronted by physical evidence," Palmatier writes. "On the other hand, we're inclined to believe accusations about men."

Not only is it unfair and dishonest, she says, but it's "damaging to boys and young men, gender relations, relationships, families and 'the best interests of the children.' And it gives the women who are predators a free pass."

Automatically assuming the worst of men is a form of discrimination, she, Farrell and others say. And they're right.

Halle Berry says Gabriel Aubry is being a bad dad, just as many women say about their exes. Whom do you believe?

Tags: Custody Battle, Elin Nordegren, Halle Berry, Tiger Woods, Women's Rights, Gabriel Aubry, Hulk Hogan, Warren Farrell, Abuse, Christina-Hoff-Sommers, Chuck Liddell Lori Geyer, Divorce, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, False Allegations, Feminism, Gun Violence, Parental Alienation, Rape, Sexual Assault, Vicki Larson, Huffington Post, Men, scapegoats, society, divorce, domestic violence, custody

NBA star Dwyane Wade awarded custody of sons

It took a long court battle - one of the longest in Cook County history and one most men could not afford - for Dwyane Wade to win custody of his children from his (less than sane) ex-wife. She did everything she could do to destroy Wade's reputation, including accusations that Wade and his current girlfriend had sex in front of the children (as well as other forms of "parental alienation"). The judge ruled that Siohvaughn Wade’s (the ex-wife) "ability and/or willingness to ease these children through a transition" is seriously in question. Ya think?

NBA star Dwyane Wade awarded custody of sons

By Kristen Mack Tribune reporter

March 13, 2011

NBA star Dwyane Wade was awarded sole custody of his two young sons after a bitter battle with his ex-wife, lawyers in the case said today.

“I am very thankful that the court has given me custody of my boys and they are already at home with me in Miami and settling in,” the Miami Heat guard said in a statement. “Going through a custody trial was difficult and I wish it hadn’t been necessary, but, I felt it was the only way that I could continue to play an active part of my kids’ lives and provide them with a happy and stable home. My hope is that their mother will also choose to play a healthy role in their lives and we can all move on from this in a positive way.”

Cook County Circuit Judge Renee Goldfarb issued a 102-page ruling late Friday.
“This is a very difficult decision for this court,” her ruling reads. “This will be an abrupt change for the children. However, this court has very grave reservations about (Siohvaughn Wade’s) ability and/or willingness to ease these children through a transition.”

Goldfarb’s ruling is meticulous, down to who will have custody of the children on holidays, All-Star Weekend and if the Miami Heat are in the NBA finals. The transition of the children, ages 3 and 8, from Illinois to Florida will occur immediately, according to the judge’s ruling. There will be a 30-day period of adjustment so they can acclimate to their new school and surroundings.

Siohvaughn Wade will fly to Miami every other weekend to spend time with her children, with the exception of a few holidays during which the boys will come to Illinois. For the time being the cost of her trips, including “reasonable” airfare and lodging, will be covered by Dwyane Wade.

During All-Star weekend, the NBA star will have parenting time with the boys. If the Miami Heat are in the NBA finals, the boys also will be with their dad, but only if he is a player/participant, according to the judge’s ruling.

"Unfortunately I think the court got it wrong and it’s not in the best interest of these children and fails to recognize that Siohvaughn Wade has been a wonderful mother and a provider for these children, educationally, emotionally and physically," said Siohvaughn Wade's lawyer, Michael A. Haber.

“Mr. Wade, while well-intentioned, just does not have the ability to parent these children.”

Siohvaughn Wade is “extremely disappointed,” Haber said. She is considering an appeal of the judge’s decision.

In court, Dwyane Wade’s lawyer, James Pritikin, accused Siohvaughn Wade of a pattern of erratic behavior. Pritikin contended that she interfered with her ex-husband's visitations and alienated the children from their father.
Pritikin applauded Goldfarb’s decision today.

“In a custody trial that was one of the longest ever in Cook County history, we presented clear evidence of parental alienation against Mr. Wade,” Pritikin said. “The court agreed the best home is with Mr. Wade and that he is also willing to foster a relationship with the children's mother. I know he will continue to be a phenomenal parent.”

Tribune reporter Becky Schlikerman contributed to this report.

Tags: fathers, custody, children, courts, divorce, Dwayne Wade, Cook County, Judge Renee Goldfarb, Siohvaughn Wade, father's rights, parental alienation

Family Focus - Custody Battle: Dad's Story

In finding the image for the previous post, I stumbled upon a series of articles looking at the current trend toward fathers getting more rights (little by little) to be involved in their children's lives following a divorce.

This article comes from Working Mother magazine, where they are aware enough to present both sides of the issue (however brief this might be on the father's view). We all know the mother's side - yes, she can work, manage her life, and raise a child.

But men can balance work and parenting, too, and, more to the point - they want to be good, loving, involved dads.

Custody Battle: Dad's Story
A new generation of fathers is fighting for custody-and a fair shake in court.

By: Philip Lerman, Photo: Veer

“Yes, but who’s going to cook them dinner?” When Ben Oshman got that question from a judge hearing his request for custody of his three kids, he was furious. Because whatever new challenges moms have these days, when it comes to custody, things haven’t changed much for dads—especially the gender-based stereotypes that render them the second most important parent.

But now, dads are fighting back, demanding custody where custody’s due. Their motivation is simple: “I wanted to have kids. I wanted to have the family,” says Oshman, who ended up getting joint custody of his three girls. To him, divorce “didn’t mean I should have to give up my family.”

A groundswell of support is rising up for dads seeking custody, as evidenced by the increasing number of groups like dads rights (dadsrights.org), Custody Warriors (custodywarriors.com) and dadsdivorce.com. “Fathers increasingly want to be more deeply involved with their children”—a desire that doesn’t disappear after divorce, says Danny Guspie, executive director of Fathers resources international, a group that advises divorced dads. “When you see some dads have success, it encourages others.”

Thirty years ago, dads never litigated for custody, says Jeffery M. Leving, a Chicago lawyer at the forefront of the fathers’ rights movement. “Men didn’t place fatherhood at the top of their priorities. Now, if they face a divorce, their children are their main priority, and they will fight to avoid being kicked to the curb.”

Bottom line: dads say they’ve become better parents, so they deserve a better chance. “They’re demanding more fairness,” says Leving, “and sometimes they’re getting it.”

~ Philip Lerman is the author of Dadditude: How a Real Man Became a Real Dad (available for 1 cent!)

Tags: Family Focus, Custody Battle, Dad's Story, Working Mother, Philip Lerman, Dadditude, How a Real Man Became a Real Dad, fathers, divorce, single dads, work, parenting, dads rights, dadsrights.org, Custody Warriors, custodywarriors.com, dadsdivorce.com

Therapy to End a Relationship

Nothing is forever, except maybe Twinkies. Relationships come and go, but for a variety of reasons men tend not to cope with this reality as well as women do - see here and here. We end up more depressed and isolated, and stay that way longer.

But there is a new movement to make break-ups (especially marriage) easier for everyone involved. In my opinion, men need this more than women. So if you have tried everything and the relationship is doomed, yet you would like to handle this as maturely as possible (without all of your - and hers - childish parts getting activated) maybe a therapist can help. Maybe.

Therapy to Help Couples Break Up?

By Josey Vogels, My Messy Bedroom. Posted October 1, 2009.

Counseling can't keep some couples together. But it can help them break up.

Counseling couldn't keep Rebecca and Philip's relationship together so they decided to see if it could help them break up. "We both knew the relationship was over, but after 10 years together, we were having an extremely difficult time letting go," says 35-year-old Rebecca. "We'd been in counseling but we couldn't save the relationship, so we asked our therapist to help us split up."

If you're going through a tough breakup, and say, throwing yourself off a bridge, while tempting, just isn't practical, therapy might not be such a bad idea.

"I'm all for it," says Anne Robinson, a Montreal psychotherapist who specializes in couple therapy. She's even tried it herself. During her last big breakup, Robinson and her beau went to a therapist "so we could learn to appreciate each other's positive side." (To me, this sounds like a nice way of saying, "So we wouldn't take each other's eyes out.")

"The relationship is an entity unto itself, something you've created separate from the two of you, something you've invested time and energy into," explains Robinson. "When you break up, you almost have to mourn the loss of it."

According to Robinson, therapy can help you through the process. The classic breakup starts with denial (when you try to convince yourself things are better than they are) and is followed by anger (the aforementioned eye-plucking or, more likely, when you're screaming at each other about why he or she is not the person you want them to be, says Robinson).

Then there's the bargaining stage when you try to make up, and be what the other person wants you to be. Which rarely works and you end up getting depressed. Finally, somewhere down the line, you realize the person was never who you wanted him or her to be and you accept them as they are. "It's like waking up from a dream," says Robinson. "Then you can really move on. Once you've divested yourself from the other person, there is closure."

These stages can take years, she admits, especially if you've been together a long time and losing each other is a bit like losing your left foot. Therapy, whether as a couple or alone, might help you get through the process more quickly - or at the very least, make you feel a little less like a basket case. "It can provide a positive, supportive, encouraging relationship, something a lot of people don't have, or a couple has stopped providing for each other."

Robinson says many therapists feel like failures if they can't keep a relationship together, "but really they can be just as big a help when all hope is lost and the relationship must end." In other words, when you realize you're flogging a dead horse.

Apparently, Robinson rarely sees people who know it's over and want help breaking up. "Most come in with some hope," she says. "It's almost sacrilege to look at the possibility of breaking up. In fact, many couples stop therapy prematurely when they realize a breakup is imminent. Better to live with the demons you know and all that. "Sometimes, what we consider commitment," Robinson continues, "is a fear of being single. For some couples, married 20-30 years, the prospect of being single is too scary, so they pretend things aren't so bad and stop the therapy."

Part of the problem is the status we give to being hitched. "Coupledom is like a God in our culture," agrees Robinson, who's single. "If you're not in one, you're made to feel like half of you is missing, you're not as accepted."

With what she sees in her practice, Robinson says she'd rather be single. "Working as a couple therapist, you realize it's not so much better on that side of the fence," she laughs. "Whether you're in a couple or single, it's work. They're just different sets of challenges. Being single you combat loneliness and isolation and being in a couple you fight to hang on to your individuality."

Therapy can help you feel better about yourself, it can help remind you that you're not alone and it's not the end of the world (honest, it's not), whether you're going through a breakup or a life change. The key word here, though, is "can" - therapy doesn't always work.

These days, Rebecca and Philip aren't speaking at all.

Tags: men, women, relationships, divorce, emotions, break ups, Therapy to Help Couples Break Up?, Josey Vogels, My Messy Bedroom, AlterNet