What Is Your Passion? What Is Worth Fighting For?

This new article from T-Nation is part of their powerful words series - inspiration, motivation, and introspection (my words, not theirs). On the surface it is an exhortation to find your reason for getting and staying fit, but there is more to it than that.

We all have to find our fight in life, the thing we are passionate about (or the things). Even when we can identify the passion, we also must find our motivation to engage in that passion with our full commitment, our full selves.

The author, Nate Miyaki, provides his reasons for being in the "fight" to be and stay fit"

I can tell you some of the things I'm fighting for, just to give you ideas. It's because I come from a family that's struggled with addiction, and linking my identity to athletic pursuits has given me a better obsession.

It's because I think we're all searching for the same three things in life: a passion, a sense of purpose, and peace of mind. We just go about it in different ways. It just so happens that I've been lucky enough to find all three in this game, and don't think I could find it anywhere else.

For me it was obesity, diabetes, and heart disease [dad], as well as obesity, blood clots, and cancer [mom], the lifestyle diseases that killed my parents. It was being an athlete first to fit in with the other boys (a challenge for all nerds), and later because I LOVE to compete. Now I compete with myself.

As I grew older, I realized that staying fit protected me from being deeply depressed, from low self-esteem, and from gaining the middle age spread my parents acquired. I exercise to live.

But there are more fights in life than fitness.

What are you REALLY passionate about? What in your life is worth fighting for, living for, sacrificing for?

Find Your Fight

by Nate Miyaki | T-Nation 

The most valuable lesson I've learned has nothing to do with the nuts and bolts of training or diet. The true key, the secret to your success in physique transformation or strength sports, and maybe even in life, is this:

You gotta know what you're fighting for.

Until you find what you're truly fighting for, all training programs and diets (even the best ones), will be relatively meaningless.

The Lost Generation

For the most part, our generation has become a bunch of whiney, lazy, entitled pussies. People have lost their warrior spirit, their dedication, and their willingness to strive.

We've become highly skilled at acquiring facts and information, analyzing, and sounding intelligent, but we are doing less and less. We know distraction well, but discipline has become a foreign language. We've gotten great at throwing forum and social media posts like right and left hooks, but run like cowards from any real-life fights.

How do we change that? Some modern guru is going to tell you it's all about drinking some magical tea and floating through space in a lotus pose. They'll spice it up with some mysticism and cultish codependency as well. None of that is really necessary because, believe it or not, the answer is a lot more simple and straightforward.

Learn from Cinderella Man

If you haven't seen the movie, Cinderella Man, you should. Here's the Cliff Notes synopsis:

It's based on the "true story" of James Braddock, a boxer who retires due to injury. He works as a day laborer to support his family during the Great Depression. Having lost all his possessions and savings and unable to pay the bills, he gets an opportunity to return to the ring in a last-chance effort to save his family.

During his comeback, Braddock is pitted against a fighter that had beaten him earlier in his career. In the middle of this rematch, Braddock is winning, which initiates the following exchange between Braddock's opponent and his trainer in-between rounds:

Trainer: What are you doing? You beat this guy easy last time.
Fighter: He ain't the same guy.

Braddock had watched his family starve and suffer. Fueled by more than personal ego, vanity, or even mere competition, Braddock becomes a different animal in the ring, fighting for survival. He somehow finds a way to beat younger, stronger, heavier, and more skilled boxers. When asked by a reporter how the impossible became possible, he gives a simple answer:

"This time around, I know what I'm fighting for."

Finding Your Fight

I don't know what that is for you. And I don't think any life coach or guru can give you some magical formula to figure it out. More than giving you any awesome diet or training plan, it would be my greatest pleasure in the world to be able to provide that answer for you. Unfortunately, I can't.

Ultimately, you're going to have to take some personal accountability, look at your life, look inside yourself, and come to your own conclusions. As a matter of fact, part of finding your fighting spirit is realizing that you can't always rely on someone else, or wait for a savior to solve all of your problems. You have to solve them for yourself.

What I can do is tell you what has motivated others. Maybe that will give you some ideas. For some, it really was about survival. They had a health problem they had to fix, and their life, or quality of life, was suddenly on the line. For some, their sport was how they made their living, and food on the table was dependent upon victories.

For some, it was to give them a competitive edge in a career outside of sports. Working out and eating right gave them better energy, cognitive function, and focus behind the desk, allowing them to push harder than the competition, and ultimately crush it.

For some, it was about being picked on as kids, and if the world wasn't going to give them respect, they were going to build themselves up and take it. For some, it was just like what martial arts can be to others – a way to channel negative energy into positive, to learn lessons that translate to life, to find some kind of deeper meaning through physical challenges. Some used nunchucks; others used dumbbells. No matter, either served to fulfill their purpose.

I can tell you some of the things I'm fighting for, just to give you ideas. It's because I come from a family that's struggled with addiction, and linking my identity to athletic pursuits has given me a better obsession.

It's because I think we're all searching for the same three things in life: a passion, a sense of purpose, and peace of mind. We just go about it in different ways. It just so happens that I've been lucky enough to find all three in this game, and don't think I could find it anywhere else.

How Will You Know?

I might not be able to tell you how to find your fight, but I can certainly tell you how you'll know when you've found it. There will be no more beginnings or getting back on track. There will be no defined ends as some 90-day program's promise. There will only be putting one foot in front of the other, in the next step of a never-ending journey.

• Days will run into months, months will run into years without ever having to start over. You'll just keep moving forward. 
• You won't complain of the struggles. You'll embrace them, because you'll know that your ability to push through is what will ultimately separate you from the rest of the pack.
• There will be no more New Year's resolutions, only daily ones. And sticking to them will not be an option. It will be a necessity.
• You will not find excuses. You'll find ways.
• You'll stop looking for short cuts and quick fixes, because you'll know that a worthwhile mission lasts a lifetime.
• You'll stop training for gym or virtual high-fives, but rather for personal satisfaction and accomplishment.
• You won't have a sport or a hobby. You'll have a way of life
• All of a sudden those 20 different diet and training programs that didn't work in the past, will all work.

It's going to make the road any easier. Excellence is never easy – that's the point. There will be ups and downs, adversity, and setbacks. There will be days where you will absolutely want to quit. But when you know what you're fighting for, you will find a way to persevere.

This is life. The obstacles are never-ending. That's why it's imperative that you find a true reason to keep going, not some make-believe, self-induced, bubble gum fitness one.

The Rules

The path to success lies in the purpose, not the person. We're all capable of great things. Ordinary men that had a purpose have achieved great things. Extraordinarily gifted men with no mission have chronically underachieved. Society provides plenty of examples of both.

• Rule #1: Find what you're fighting for.
• Rule #2: First learn rule #1. Everything else is just details.

Esther Perel is the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, a book that "invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home." Sounds good to me.

Esther Perel: The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.

Why you should listen to her:

Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life. For the first time in human history, couples aren't having sex just to have kids; there's room for sustained desire, for couples to cultivate long-term sexual relationships. But how? Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist, travels the world to help people answer this question.

For her research Perel works across cultures and is herself fluent in nine languages. She coaches and consults organizations and families, holds a private psychotherapy practice in New York, and speaks regularly on erotic intelligence, trauma, conflict resolution, and infidelity. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

Bring Back the Sexy to a Loving Relationship Turned Platonic

This article from the Good Men Project brings up an important point about long-term relationships, especially those founded on mutual respect and genuine affection - sometimes we end up as excellent friends but the sexual spark has been misplaced. I've seen this happen in friends' relationships . . . and I've seen it in my own relationships.

There are also guys who are very sensitive to seeing, appreciating, and loving the whole package of our partner or spouse, and we may feel guilty if or when we objectify the beloved and fantasize about his or her body, the curve of a hip, the soft skin of the inner thigh. So we try not to objectify him or her, but then we wonder why the spark is gone.

Yet it can be important, as the SHE response below indicates, to honor both the whole, wonderful person and also to still allow ourselves to fantasize about our beloved just as we did when the relationship was new and the sex was passionate and exciting.

Then add in some of the HE response from below, with new places to have sex, or adding romantic elements such as candles, sharing a bath, or even sex toys. Be creative, be passionate, and be loving.

And never forget that this is your best friend, your partner, the person you love and respect.

My Wife Is My Best Friend . . . Now, How Do I Make Her My Lover?

FEBRUARY 13, 2013 by SHE SAID HE SAID

Eli and Josie help a man turn his friendship-based marriage into one of passion and desire.

Dear Sexes: How do you cross the bridge from your wife as your best friend to your wife as lover? If you have been with this person all day as your partner in life and the daily work of living, how do you suddenly switch?

She Said: If we could solve this, we could save probably 50% of the marriages that end! Our society teaches us to value novelty and drama over commitment and peace. Without the drama, I think a lot of us think there isn’t enough excitement to constitute “love”…

In truth, a deeper and more intimate love can come from peace, and that peace often comes from having your partner as your best friend. But sometimes, when that transition happens, that buddy-ness can be sort of a boner killer.

I think a solution to this is a little objectification. Yes, objectification! By that, I mean, you love your wife as a whole, her humanity and her soul as well as her body. And sometimes you probably have deep lust for all that humanity and intellect. But sometimes you just want a body. Now, I am making this suggestion for you because of the love and friendship you have for your wife, thinking that maybe you need to nurture some fantasies just about her body. I wouldn’t make this recommendation to a newly united couple or a couple that is struggling with profound problems.

Try to think just about your favorite part of her body. If that’s her pretty fingers, think about them wrapping around your penis or clasping your hands during sex. If it’s her mouth, think about the way it changes when she’s having an orgasm. Focus on those things and let the rest of her slip away from your mind for a moment.

I probably don’t have to tell you this, but just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that you leave behind compassion, communication, respect and love. It just means that you allow a fantasy that is purely sexual to develop… and you nudge it along by being mindful and conscious of your fantasies, and by guiding them a little bit.

He Said: Your wife can be your friend AND your lover!

Having said that, your best chance at having a successful friendship AND romance with your wife may be to compartmentalize each entity completely (at least, for now, so you easily hit “the switch”).

Your wife and you should (re)experiment with your sexy sides. Invest in some candles (for her) and perhaps some lingerie (something you can both enjoy). Romance her! Maybe that means cooking her dinner, or giving her a full body massage with sensual oils. Or even something as simple as a date-night out—just the two of you.

And lastly, work hard at the romance, but remember—you don’t always have to make love, when you make love. Sometimes you’ve just got to have great sex. Don’t be afraid to try something different. Find a new place to get it on—a kitchen counter, the backseat of a car, a hotel, etc…). And vary the way in which you have sex. It’s fine if you have to schedule your sessions, but it’s just as good (perhaps even better) if you have some unscheduled bump and grinding. And never underestimate the power of a steamy quickie! Good luck, play hard, get busy!

Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here!


~ Originally appeared at She Said He Said

Sounds True - David Schnarch: Emotional Commitment and Great Sex?

David Schnarch is one of the better sex and relationship psychotherapists who shares his wisdom and experience through books and lectures. Tami Simon at Sounds True recently interviewed him for Insights at the Edge.

Two of his books, Passionate Marriage, and Resurrecting Sex, have been incredibly useful in understanding how relationships fail - and how to prevent that from happening. His newest book is Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship.

David Schnarch: Emotional Commitment and Great Sex?

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Tami Simon speaks with Dr. David Schnarch, a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sex therapist, and clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. David is the author of the books Intimacy and Desire, Passionate Marriage, and Resurrecting Sex, and with Sounds True he has published a two-session audio program called Secrets of a Passionate Marriage: How to Increase Sexual Pleasure and Emotional Fulfillment in Committed Relationships. In this episode, Tami speaks with David about the four drives of sexual desires, his understanding of integrity and its importance in a healthy partnership, and what it might mean to “hold onto yourself” in relationship. (67 minutes)

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Secrets of a Passionate Marriage $16.72 more details