Judith Orloff, MD: The Ecstasy of Surrender

This is a nice TEDx talk from Dr. Judith Orloff on the incredible upside to being able to surrender. This is a tough sell for men - traditional masculinity views surrender as "giving up," or as weakness, fear, being beaten. Reframing the notion of surrender into an act of strength takes some time and effort, but the benefits of surrender, as Dr. Orloff outlines here, are worth the effort.


Judith Orloff, MD: The Ecstasy of Surrender - at TEDxAmericanRiviera 2012

Published on Dec 26, 2012

You can sabotage success by pushing too hard. Surrender is the antidote to stress in a world that relentlessly conspires to interrupt creative thought. Surrender boosts your brain's endorphins--euphoric, opiate-like pain killers--and serotonin, a natural antidepressant that allows you to relax, have more fun, and succeed more wildly than ever before. Life becomes easier and more blissful when you can let go.

Here are a few quotes on surrender (spiritual and psychological concept embodied by The Hanged Man Tarot card at the top):

The idea of surrender usually means to give in, to passively submit to the control of someone or something stronger. To surrender to the Dharma, however, requires the active and continuously renewed commitment of our energy. Surrendering to the teaching is the giving up of our self-images, fears, thoughts, and desires into the hands of deeper self-knowledge. It is submitting to the control of our true nature, which is healthier and stronger than our surface experience can ever be.
― Tarthang Tulku: Hidden Mind of Freedom 

* * * * * 

“Always say “yes” to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? what could be more insane than to oppose life itself, which is now and always now? Surrender to what is. Say “yes” to life — and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”
 ― Eckhart Tolle 

* * * * * 

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change. the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.”
 ― Marianne Williamson 

* * * * * 

“Surrender your own poverty and acknowledge your nothingness to the Lord. Whether you understand it or not, God loves you, is present in you, lives in you, dwells in you, calls you, saves you and offers you an understanding and compassion which are like nothing you have ever found in a book or heard in a sermon.”
 ― Thomas Merton, The Hidden Ground Of Love: The Letters Of Thomas Merton On Religious Experience And Social Concerns 

* * * * * 

“Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all of the inhibitions and preconceptions of their era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, and to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called 'the madness of saintliness'. They have been joyful - because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender.”
 ― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

I Met Myself for the First Time Today

Through Coach Michael Taylor's webcast (A New Conversation with Men), I have discovered an interesting new site called Men's Group, created by Brett Churnin and Mike Britton. The site provides a wealth of information on men's groups, including why we might want to join one, how they work (or can work), how to form one, and a whole lot more. It's an excellent resource. Coach Taylor will be speaking with Brett and Mike on Friday, February 17th, so check it out.

Their site also includes a blog, so I thought I'd take a look. The first post I came upon was this one below, I met myself for the first time today, which reads a little like a prose poem. Nice piece.

I met myself for the first time today 

I control and am in control because that is how I am able to protect myself.

The exploration started from that place and why my heart as a way of being is closed and protected.

And how it expresses itself in my life is that I control things and people – because that which I can control can not hurt me.

But he who controls also dominates, imposes, tells, forces, distrusts and manipulates.

All of that without even realising that I was doing it.

My earliest memories of controlling people and situations goes back to Kindergarden. I was really small and being small I was scared of the big kids.

So controlling became a way to survive. I did not have the physical size but I did have the brain. So I became the leader. I had my gang and I told them what to do. Where to play, how to treat the others – and my gang protected me.

Despite being the controller I have still been hurt many times in my life, mainly by woman.

This morning I woke up and I asked God to help me. I recounted all the people who had hurt me, let me down, betrayed me, left me, abandoned me and I forgave each and all of them.

I did it with words and I released them.

I then asked God to open me and open my heart.

Nothing happened.

I asked again, I lay prostrate, my arms open like a crucifix, vulnerable and surrendered.

Nothing happened.

I asked out loud and then my jaw locked, I could not open my mouth.

And I heard or felt a voice saying “you do not believe your word”

And then I grew silent, it grew silent. I asked myself to just be, be in silence, I said to myself – no one is coming into this room, no one knows I am here, my phone is off, no one is going to ring, there is nowhere to go so just be here.

As I lay, things came up, experiences, conversations, and I felt myself loving right into them, almost like acceptance as an active process, A person, a judgement, an experience I just loved deeply into it and it felt peaceful, powerful, liberating.

I felt cleansed, and clean and this time I asked God in silence to come in.

Nothing happened.

And so I lay there quietly for a while until needing a pee became a strong enough reason to get out of bed.

I got up and went to the bathroom. As I walked past the mirror I caught my refection so I went to the mirror and stared at myself.

I could feel that I was confronted by this person in the mirror, separate, even fearful, I could say “hi” to this person like I would a stranger. And then I stopped and looked at him and said ” hi ” again, and we stared at each other and laughed out loud but it was still the laugh of strangers.

I asked the him who was me in the mirror If it was okay for me to go and have a pee and I got the absurdity of the question. I got that I was asking this question to myself like a stranger would ask it as if he in the mirror were someone else.

I went and peed and then returned to the mirror.

This time we looked deeply into each others eyes. At first I was confronted by him, this stranger but his eyes were soft and so I stared and he stared back. We drank each other in and I said hello, lovingly, with deep respect and compassion, and with love. And he answered back in the same loving way.

And we breathed, and we drank each other in more deeply this time, and we softened and then I met myself for the very first time.

We laughed and then we cried and I was no longer afraid of the man in the mirror.

Hi we said to each other again, Hi we said back.

And tears rolled down our cheeks

Daily Om - The Wisdom of Surrender: Relying on Others

Last weekend, Jami called me out on not walking my talk. I frequently advocate for openness and vulnerability in our relationships, but I am still a work in process when it comes to being vulnerable, to surrendering myself to the safety of our relationship.

If I cannot tell her my concerns, my fears, my anxieties, she cannot offer her support. More importantly however, when I can be open with her, it deepens our relationship and our intimacy.

Her observation is well-taken, and I am still working toward being the open person with her that I want to be - there are many years of conditioning to undo. I was raised to be self-reliant, especially with emotional issues.

Today's Daily Om looks at this from a more general perspective, and less of a gender issue, but it is still a good reminder.

The Wisdom of Surrender
Relying on Others

Most of us pride ourselves on our self-sufficiency. We like to be responsible for taking care of ourselves and pulling our own weight in the world. This is why it can be so challenging when we find ourselves in a situation in which we have to rely on someone else. This can happen as the result of an illness or an injury, or even in the case of a positive change, such as the arrival of a newborn. At times like these, it is essential that we let go of our feeling that we should be able to do it all by ourselves and accept the help of others.

The first step is accepting the situation fully as it is. Too often we make things worse either by trying to do more than we should or by lapsing into feelings of uselessness. In both cases we run the risk of actually prolonging our dependency. In addition, we miss a valuable opportunity to practice acceptance and humility. The ego resists what is, so when we move into acceptance we move into the deeper realm of the soul. In needing others and allowing them to help us, we experience the full realization that we are not on our own in the world. While this may bring up feelings of vulnerability, a deep feeling of gratitude may also emerge as we open to the experience of being helped. This realization can enable us to be wiser in our service of others when we are called upon to help.

It takes wisdom and strength to surrender to our own helplessness and to accept that we, just like every other human being, have limitations. The gifts of surrender are numerous. We discover humility, gratitude, and a deepening understanding of the human experience that enables us to be that much more compassionate and surrendered in the world.

Image source: Hope in My Pockets

Tags: Daily Om, The Wisdom of Surrender, Relying on Others, relationships, emotions, surrender, trust, masculinity, intimacy

Shawn Phillips - Success Lesson #6: Strength is Knowing When to Take a Knee

Great post from Shawn on knowing when to say "when."

Success Lesson #6: Strength is Knowing When to Take a Knee

Mon, Aug 24, 2009

In last week’s SSM, we talked about how to move into and beyond the pain—and why it’s so absolutely essential for growth.

This entry prompted many people to question: “Should you always move through the pain?” “Isn’t there a time when we really listen to the pain?”

That’s what makes this week’s SSM so ideally timed. (No, it wasn’t an accident. You’re right.)

This week’s Challenge Wisdom is about trusting yourself and having the Strength to stop and take a knee or perhaps a seat of some sort.

While at a glance it may seem to contradict last week’s message about moving through pain, it’s actually very much in concert with it. For this is about having the awareness, the ruthless sense to know the difference between wanting to stop and needing to stop.

When you’re pushing the limits your mind will be the first to send a limiting message, to exaggerate the hurt, to entice you to slow it down or take a break. If you’ve been training hard or pushing it, you might start justifying taking it easy. The first clue here is the inner message, “because I deserve it.”

“Because I deserve it,” is common trap in Transformation Challenges too. You’ve been making some strides, eating right and training strong. Just as you’re feeling good about your progress out pops the “because I deserve it” excuse. Maybe you’re out with friends or in a social environment of some sort, let this one loose and you’ll regret it.

When I Took a Knee
In my first post in this series, 10 Lessons in Success I Learned from the Triple Bypass, I gave the vivid details of the first place I “took a knee” during this bike ride.

I was nearing the half-way point towards the end of a long, tortuous stretch of road where the pain in my ass, my left little toe, my right big toe, my left shoulder and my lower back all reached threshold at the same time. I’ve been told by many bikers that you can ride through just about anything; cramping, fatigue, dehydration but pain is the beginning to the end. It will stop the strongest riders.

And when I say “pain,” this isn’t the pain one has from pushing themselves. It’s not the burn of a biceps on the 20th rep but more the sort of pain of having something broken. It starts as an ache and grows. I could feel it reaching a threshold where I was certain that it would no longer be a decision if I went forward. Where the pain would literally stop me in my tracks.

Wisely, I stopped, glancing left as a rider in his 60’s moved swiftly by—probably in a dance with his own pain.

Read the rest of this great article.

Tags: masculinity, strength, surrender, success, Shawn Phillips, Success Lesson #6, Strength is Knowing When to Take a Knee, Start Strong Monday

Learning to Release Control into a Loving Embrace

If you have ever read David Deida, you likely know that he believes men do the holding and women need to be held. For most of us, that is our experience. We hold our wives or girlfriends when they are sad, or when we cuddle, but we might be never allow ourselves to be held.

I hadn't really though about this much until this last weekend when I was holding Jami (my wonderful girlfriend, who also happens to be a gifted therapist) and she commented that I rarely allow her to hold me. I reflected on her comment and realized she is right.

Since then I have been thinking about that truth. What I comes down to for me, and I think this might be true of most men, is that I am more comfortable being the emotional container for her than I am being vulnerable and surrendering control to someone else, even someone I love.

Yet I know that all of us men, even the meanest, strongest, most masculine man you might ever meet, have inner children who crave being held and to surrender to someone else who contains them. This is natural - it is NOT a sign of weakness, or being a girly-man.

Rather, it takes REAL strength - and security in our masculinity - to admit that sometimes we would like to be held, that we can be vulnerable and allow ourselves to surrender to someone else. This may not be our defining characteristic as men, but it is a part of who we are.

We NEED to not always be in control. Most of us spend our lives seeking to be in control of everything - our bodies, our jobs, our relationships, whatever - but control is really an illusion. In Buddhism, we think of this need for control as an attachment.

The most troublesome beliefs are related to our attach­ments, which are often hard to identify. Attachments are sim­ple beliefs—fantasies, in fact—that have become solidified as “truth” in our mind. They also partake of the energy of desire, which is based on the underlying belief that without some par­ticular person or thing, we can never be free from suffering.

Sure we seem to be in control, and it's often enough to keep our egos busy, but there is very little in life we can actually control, even our own minds (we discover this when we begin a meditation practice). It is our attachments, especially the attachment so many of us have to being in control, that leads to suffering.

But we do not have to live this way - and our primary relationship is a place we can learn how to release this attachment.

One way we can prepare ourselves for dropping our illusion of control in daily life is to practice doing so with our partners. We can allow her (or him) to hold us, and learn to release control into that loving embrace. And you know what? Most of us have partners who would enjoy giving us a few moments to relax into their arms and not be in control.

So this is now a part of my practice as a man and as a human being - to learn to surrender, to be vulnerable, and to relinquish control, even if it is only for a few moments each week.

Tags: masculinity, control, surrender, relationships, Buddhism, attachment, illusion of control, being held