My Personal Goal for 2014 - Fail More, Embrace Imperfection

 

In the spirit of Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, my personal growth challenge for 2014 is to fail more often and to embrace imperfections.

I have always feared failure, which is fitting because one of my coping strategies to deal with a hyper-critical parent was to become a perfectionist. It worked great in school - I got good grades and the teachers loved me. Then that parent died, and I still had this perfectionist inside me.

The downside is that I have missed out on a lot of opportunities to do things because I was afraid I would not be good something new. That fear of being laughed at and being obviously not good at something was a powerful deterrent.

I have changed this quite a bit over the years - to the point that I am fine with falling on my ass trying something new. But that perfectionist is still in there, and when he fears he failed at something, he and the inner critic get together and have a shame party at my expense.

No more. 

Here are two of Brown's TED Talks on vulnerability, which is what we must embrace if we embrace imperfection. The illusion of perfection offers an invulnerability cloak (a protection from shame), but failure is raw, vulnerable, and human.

Brené Brown: Listening to Shame: TED Talk

Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability: TED Talk

This last video is from the Behance U99 Conference in 2013.

Brené Brown: Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count

And for one other bit of inspiration, it appears that Joe Rutland over at the Good Men Project has a similar goal for 2014. Here is his post from yesterday.

Hey Man, Let’s Practice Imperfection in 2014
January 1, 2014 by Joe Rutland

Joe Rutland in defense of messiness, authenticity and imperfection.

Every New Year’s Day is a chance for men to either start something new or stop actions and behaviors that may not be healthy to their lives. Those infamous “New Year’s resolutions” can sometimes, without intention, become a horrendous “to-do” list that feels like a 45-pound weight swinging around a man’s neck. What if this Jan. 1 was different? What if men chose a few different actions beside the usual list of “eating healthier, exercising more, stressing out less, getting finances in order, etc.”? Let me suggest three possibilities: Choose imperfection. Choose messiness. Choose authenticity.

Being imperfect is actually a healthy emotional behavior as the stress to be perfect is lessened. Messiness shakes the reins of obsessive-compulsive behaviors and thoughts, turning them upside down. Authenticity, when practiced, can become a blessing instead of a fear-based, soul-wrenching curse.

Now when it comes to perfection and being a perfectionist, then you’ll find my name at the top of the list. Oh no, you think your name is No. 1. Nope. I’m the chief of perfectionists, meaning that I have to do every single thing in my life just right. I have to say the right words, act the right way, stuff my thoughts and feelings deep within myself and not let them out, even when sitting among what I consider safe environments and safe people. Fighting against perfectionism hasn’t been a healthy battle in my life. I have lost more times than I have won, and I’ve lost so much time and emotional energy to it.

What I can say is that I’ve learned a lot about letting go, trusting the process (whatever that looks like), and believing in myself in recent years. Reading others’ stories and hearing other men talk about how they deal with perfection has helped me greatly. Perfectionism could almost be put into a mental health category alongside shame.

One of the more enlightening pieces of literature I’ve read recently around this subject is The Gifts of Imperfection, written by Dr. Brene’ Brown, a member of the research faculty at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work. Dr. Brown’s work has focused around the topics of shame and fear and the subject of Wholeheartedness, about which Dr. Brown poses this question: “How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to embrace our imperfections and to recognize that we are enough—that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?”

A lot of men are more apt to wrap their self-worth around the trophy system. You know: the trophy job, the trophy wife, the trophy car, the trophy sexual conquests, the trophy fill-in-the-blank. Then one day, a man wakes up, looks within, goes into his bathroom and stares at the mirror. “It’s all bullshit,” he mutters to his reflection. Now this could be called a rude awakening. It also could be called a spiritual awakening. Not one of blazing chariots of fire coming down from the heavens and lifting the veil from his eyes, per se. But this moment is powerful if and when it happens.

Imperfection allows breathing room for mistakes, missteps and foibles. Remember the opening scene from “The Dick Van Dyke Show” where Rob Petrie (Van Dyke) walks through his front door, leans in to kiss his wife Laura (Mary Tyler Moore), turns and starts heading toward his “Alan Brady Show” co-writers Sally Rogers and Buddy Sorrell (Rose Marie and Morey Amsterdam, respectively), and doesn’t see the ottoman in front of him and flips over it? That’s imperfection. It’s also a good sense of acrobatic timing on Van Dyke’s part. To get that scene right, he probably had to practice it a few times; therefore, getting the “imperfect” scene perfect.

Yet the image is of imperfection. Now do I put up an “image of imperfection” so that I can hold on like a drunken sailor to my perfections? God knows I’ve done my best to dump that image and trade it for reality. Oh, but my perfections protect me from you…and you…and you, too. I don’t want you to see that I make mistakes. It pisses me off when I don’t get something perfect. Even today, after years of soul work, I still catch myself starting that negative self-talk chatter when I make a mistake. It is brutal.

Living in imperfection is definitely easier. Accepting myself as I am—a man who is worthy of love, compassion, empathy, healthy sexuality, nurturing and support—sure helps my mental and emotional well-being. Come to think of it, my physical health improves, too. Imperfection, messiness and authenticity do take time and practice so they can become a part of a man’s life. For too long, men (and women, too) have been bombarding themselves with negative self-talk. It is a disease, or dis-ease, of the mind, body and spirit.

So what if someone doesn’t like what I think or write? OK.

So what if someone doesn’t believe what I believe? OK.

Is it really “OK” or, again, am I fooling myself and you with my physical responses to not pleasing you?

A very wise friend told me one time four words about physical responses that people give off to other people’s statements or words: “The body don’t lie.” Think about it. When your wife, girlfriend, employer, best friend or co-worker starts giving you a hard time about something, are you aware of your physical responses? You know, like folding your arms across your chest, making a loud sighing noise (which is really telling the person to shut up without saying “shut up”), or pressing your lips so tightly together that water flowing from Niagara Falls couldn’t get inside your mouth.

Well, I’d say it is time for me and you to give ourselves a break. Let’s do our best to drop perfectionism this year. Embrace your mistakes, foibles and faults. Know that it is OK to screw up and it’s also OK to protect yourself from others’ perfectionism.

Be imperfect. Give it a shot in 2014 and see what happens. Who knows? Your life, and mine, might change for the better.

- modified photo Plat / Flickr Creative Commons

A Healthy New Year, Part One: Creating a Weight Training Workout

Here is a little offering for the new year on how to create your own weight training workouts.

Most people don't plan to fail in their New Year's resolutions to get in shape or lose some weight, the problem is that they often fail to plan. That means having a strategy for workouts and a specific and measurable goal. This is the first part of a series designed to help you understand how to construct basic training programs.

Part Two will discuss ways to use weight training as cardio and to burn fat.


Creating a Weight Training Workout

From the following menu of exercises (not exhaustive - see Bobybuilder.com for an exhaustive list), pick one exercise from each bodypart/body region using either free weights or machines (or some of each). Ideally, there is a leg exercise, a back movement, a chest movement, a shoulder exercise, and an ab exercise or two.

If you are pressed for time, go down to three exercises: a leg movement, a press, and a pull. Ideally, you will use one of the "Big" lifts for each exercise, for example, front squat, DB bench press, and pull ups.

You can also use full-body exercises and “odd equipment” movements to add intensity.

You’ll notice that there are no direct arm exercises - they are a waste of time if fat loss and muscle are the goals. All pulling exercises work your biceps and all pushing exercises work your triceps. If you want to add arm work, please feel free to do so, but add it in as a finisher (see Part Two, when it's posted).

 

Free Weights

Legs

• Static Lunges or Walking Lunges
• Barbell Squats, DB squats, Goblet Squats, Bodyweight Squats
• Jump Squats, or Lunge Jumps (change feet in air), with or without dumbbells
• Barbell Deadlift, DB deadlift, Romanian deadlift, Uni-lateral Romanian deadlift, KB Deadlift (sumo style, wide stance)
• Overhead Squat (hold barbell or DBs overhead and squat), One-Arm Overhead Squat (DB or KB)
• Sprints, Standing Broad Jump, and Lateral Jumps (if space allows)0
• Drag or Pull a Sled (if available) or a wheelbarrow loaded with rocks
• Core Ball Hamstring Curls (Lying on back, place feet on the core ball, legs straight, lift butt off the floor until body is in a straight line, then roll the ball toward your butt by pulling with heals, then roll back out - that’s one rep - can also be done one leg at a time to make it harder)

Back

• Pull-ups (bodyweight or assisted), Chin Ups (palms toward face, bodyweight, or assisted)
• One Arm DB or KB Row, Body Row (use TRX, rings, or smith machine bar set low), Barbell Row, Double KB Row
• DB Pullover (hold dumbbell with both hands over chest and lower behind the head as far as possible w/out pain, them using the lats pull the DB back to start position)
• Bent laterals, Barbell/DB bent shrugs (pull shoulder blades together)
• Shrugs, High pulls, Hang clean, Squat clean, Snatch (from floor or from hang) - Do not try Olympic lifts without some coaching on form.

Chest

• Bench Press, DB Bench Press, Push-Ups, TRX Push-Ups, Spiderman Push-Ups, Resistance Band Standing Press (press straight out the front of the body, hands coming together slightly), Dips (weighted, bodyweight, or assisted)
• Incline Variations of Bench Press, DB Press
• DB Flies, Incline DB flies, TRX or Ring Flies, Resistance Band Flies
• Pullover (works lats and pecs)

Shoulders

• DB Overhead Press, KB Press, DB Push-Press (or one-arm variations of these)
• Seated Barbell Press, Standing Barbell Press, Push Press
• DB Side Laterals, DB Bent Laterals, DB Front Laterals, Combinations (of first three)
• Upright barbell row, or Upright DB row

Abs

• Planks, TRX or Ring Fall Outs, Side Planks, Bodysaw
• Hand Step-Ups (step down and back up one hand at a time on a 6” riser), Plank to Push-Up Position (from push-up position, place one elbow on floor, then the other, then back up to push-up position), Push-Up Reach Under (from top of push-up position, reach one arm under and touch the opposite hip, alternate arms)
• Reverse Crunch (lying on back, feet in the air, raise hips off the floor)
• Inch Worm (from standing, touch the floor then walk hands out to slightly past shoulders and walk them back to feet, then stand up)
• Back Bridges (lying on back, feet on floor w/ knees bent, lift hips off the floor and squeeze the butt muscles, then slowly lower back to floor) - Can be done one-legged, with feet on BOSU ball or with feet on Core Ball
• Ab Wheel Roll-Outs (knees on floor, on BOSU Ball, or on stability disc) - Can also be done with a loaded barbell

Full-Body Exercises

• Kettlebell Swing (or DB) One or Two-hand, Full-Body Extensions, Burpees (add push-up and/or jump), DB Clean and Press, DB Snatch, Battling Ropes, Medicine Ball Slams, DB Squat-Press, Spiderman Push-ups, Renegade Push-ups with Row, Snatch into uni-lateral overhead squat (DB or KB)

Machine Exercises

Legs

• Horizontal Leg Press or Seated Leg Press (NOT 45 degree angle machines)
• Seated, Standing, or Lying Leg Curl
• Leg Extension (do lower weights for higher reps)

Back

• Lat Pull-Down (wide handles or narrow v-grip), One-Arm Lat Pull (use cable handles), Straight-Arm Lat Pull (Standing, arms straight but elbows not locked, bar slightly higher than head, use upper back pull to bar to the hips while heeping arms straight, then reverse under control)
• Seated Row, Seated Cable Row, Seated One-Arm Cable Row (use cable handles)
• Standing Cable Row (knees soft), Standing One-Arm Cable Row (knees soft)
• Seated pullover

Chest

• Seated Chest Press, Incline Chest Press
• Seated Chest Flies, Cable Chest Flies
• Seated pullover

Shoulders

• Seated Overhead Press, Seated Laterals

SAMPLE Work Outs:

General guidelines:

• Use a rep range of 3 to 20 (lower reps = heavier weights; higher reps = lower weights)
• Aim for 24-60 reps per exercise total (so 10 sets of 3 reps, 5 sets of 5 reps, or 6 sets of 6 reps, or 3 sets of 12 reps, and so on)
• Heavier weights, lower reps (3-6) = strength; Lighter weights, medium reps (6-10) = muscle and strength; Light weights, high reps (10 or more) = muscular endurance - All are good for fat loss if rest periods are minimal
• These suggestions apply to machine exercises, too
• For best metabolic effect, use supersets (2 exercises) or giant sets (3 or more exercises)
• On average, do 2 back exercises for every chest exercise
• When supersetting, pair a push and a pull, or an upper body and lower body
• Total workout time should be 30-45 minutes
• If you have access, add sprints, sled pulls/pushes, sledge hammer swings, tire flipping, etc.
• ALWAYS use good form, and if form is failing, put the weight down

Workout A:

• DB Jump Squats
• Unilateral Kettlebell Row
• Spiderman Push-Ups
• DB Squat-Press
• Bodysaw
• Battling Ropes

For the above workout, it might look like this if we use supersets:

A1: DB Jump Squats, 8 reps
A2: Unilateral KB row, 8 reps
> 4 sets

B1: Spiderman Push-ups, 12 reps
B2: DB Squat-Press, 12 reps
> 3 sets

C1: Bodysaw, 30 seconds
C2: Battling Ropes, 30 seconds
> 30 seconds rest, then repeat for 6 total sets

Workout B:

• Seated Leg Press
• Lat Pulldowns (vertical pull)
• Incline Chest Machine
• Seated Overhead Press
• Seated Cable Rows (horizontal pull)
• DB Swing
• Ab Wheel Roll-outs

I might do this in the following way (assuming easy access to all machines, which is tough in a commercial gym):

A1: Seated Leg Press, 20 reps
A2: Lat Pulldowns, 8 reps
A3: Incline Chest Machine, 8 reps
> 3 sets - on lats and chest aim for a quick pull or push, then let the lat bar go up on a 3-5 seconds count, and the chest machine handle come down on 3-5 seconds count

B1: Seated Overhead Press, 6 reps
B2: Seated Cable Rows, 6 reps
> 5 sets

C1: DB Swing, 15 reps
C2: Ab Wheel, 12 reps
> 3 sets, minimal rest


In Part Two, I will discuss ways to make weight training into the best fat burning exercise you can do - and still build cardiovascular capacity and maintain or even build muscle.