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Another interesting post from Mental Health: About Life. I'm curious about this being a disorder. Maybe another term is needed, although the article suggests a possible biological origin that would make it some form of genetic mistake that those who share these feelings are seeking to correct through "passing" or through surgery.

I think we have a lot to learn about the biological and psychological -- not to mention the cultural -- meaning of gender that perhaps those who are trans-gendered can hep us understand, as Riverwolf pointed out in a recent comment.

Following this post on the psychology of this "disorder," there is a real-life example of how problematic the reality can be for a young person struggling to make sense of who s/he is. It's a sad and disturbing story.

Gender Identity Disorder

Posted on August 15th, 2008

by ebkebk in Gender Identity Disorder

Definition

Gender identity disorder is a condition characterized by a persistent feeling of discomfort or inappropriateness concerning one’s anatomic sex. The disorder typically begins in childhood with gender identity problems and is manifested in adolescence or adulthood by a person dressing in clothing appropriate for the desired gender, as opposed to one’s birth gender. In extreme cases, persons with gender identity disorder may seek gender reassignment surgery, also known as a sex-change operation.

Description

Gender identity disorder is distressing to those who have it. It is especially difficult to cope with because it remains unresolved until gender reassignment surgery has been performed. Most people with this disorder grow up feeling rejected and out of place. Suicide attempts and substance abuse are common. Most adolescents and adults with the disorder eventually attempt to pass or live as members of the opposite sex.

Gender identity disorder may be as old as humanity. Cultural anthropologists and other scientists have observed a number of cross-gender behaviors in classical and Hindu mythology, Western and Asian classical history, and in many late nineteenth- and early twentieth-century pre-literate cultures. This consistent record across cultures and time lends support to the notion that the disorder may be, at least in part, biological in origin. Not all behavioral scientists share this conclusion, however.

Gender identity and gender-appropriate behaviors are generally learned. This learning first occurs at home and later outside the home. Behavioral experimentation, particularly when a child is young, is considered normal. As they grow, children will often experiment with a variety of gender role behaviors as they learn to make the fine distinctions between masculine and feminine role expectations of the society in which they live. Some young boys occasionally exhibit behaviors that Western culture has traditionally labeled “feminine.” Examples of these behaviors include wearing a dress, using cosmetics, or playing with dolls.

In a similar manner, some young girls will occasionally assume masculine roles during play. An example of this behavior includes pretending to be the father when playing house. Some girls temporarily adopt a cluster of masculine behaviors. These youngsters are often designated as tomboys. Most experts agree that such temporary or episodic adopting of behaviors opposite to one’s gender is normal and usually constitute learning experiences in the acquisition of normal sex role socialization.

In pathological cases, however, children deviate from the normal model of exploring masculine and feminine behaviors. Such children develop inflexible, compulsive, persistent, and rigidly stereotyped patterns. On one extreme are boys who become excessively masculine. The opposite extreme is seen in effeminate boys who reject their masculinity and rigidly insist that they are really girls or that they want to become mothers and bear children.

Such males frequently avoid playing with other boys, dress in girls’ clothing, play predominantly with girls, try out cosmetics and wigs, and display stereotypically feminine gait, arm movements, and body gestures. Although much less common, some girls may similarly reject traditionally feminine roles and mannerisms in favor of masculine characteristics. Professional intervention is required for both extremes of gender behavior.

This disorder is different from transvestitism or transvestic fetishism, in which cross-dressing occurs for sexual pleasure. Furthermore, the transvestite does not identify with the other sex.

Adults with gender identity disorder sometimes live their lives as members of the opposite sex. They often cross-dress and prefer to be seen in public as a member of the other sex. Some people with the disorder request sex-change or sex reassignment surgery.

Persons with gender identity disorder frequently complain that they were born the wrong sex. They may describe their sexual organs as being ugly and may refrain from touching their genitalia. People with gender identity disorder may try to hide their secondary sex characteristics. For instance, males may try to shave off or pluck their body hair. Many elect to take female hormones in an effort to enlarge their breasts. Females may try to hide their breasts by binding them.

Causes and symptoms

Causes

There is no clearly understood or universally agreed-upon cause for gender identity disorder. However, most experts agree that there may be a strong biological basis for the disorder.

The sex of a human baby is determined by chromosomes. Males have a Y chromosome, in addition to a X chromosome, while females have two X chromosomes. The Y chromosome contains a gene known as the testes determining factor. This gene causes cells in an embryo to differentiate and develop male genitals. Embryos without the testes determining factor continue to develop undifferentiated as females.

The newly formed male testes release significant quantities of male hormones during the third month of pregnancy, further enhancing male differentiation. This sudden surge of hormones occurs again in males sometime between the second and twelfth week after birth. It is important to note that there is no corresponding feminizing hormonal surge sequence observed in females at this age.

These facts provide the biological basis for gender identity disorder. Male hormonal surges must occur not only in sufficient amounts, but also during a short window of time to cause masculinization of the developing infant. If there is insufficient androgen, the hormone primarily responsible for masculinization, or the surge comes too early or too late, the developing infant may be incompletely masculinized.

Disruptions of hormonal surges may come from a variety of sources. A partial list includes a disorder in the mother’s endocrine system, common maternal stress, or maternal medications or some other toxic substances yet to be identified.

Recent post-mortem studies conducted on male-to-female transsexuals, non-transsexual men, and non-transsexual women show a significant difference in the volume of a portion of the hypothalamus that is essential for sexual behavior. While further investigations are needed, these initial studies seem to confirm that one’s sense of gender resides in the brain and that it may be chemically determined.

In addition to biological factors, environmental conditions, such as socialization, seem to contribute to gender identity disorder. Social learning theory, for example, proposes that a combination of observational learning and different levels and forms of reinforcement by parents, family, and friends determine a child’s sense of gender, which, in turn, leads to what society considers sex-appropriate or inappropriate behavior.

Symptoms

The onset of puberty increases the difficulties for people with gender identity disorder. The subsequent development of unwanted secondary sex characteristics, especially in males, increases a person’s anxiety and frustrations. In an effort to cope with their feelings, some men with gender identity disorder may engage in stereo-typical, or even super-masculine, activities. For example, a man struggling with the disorder may engage in such “macho” sports as wrestling and football in order to feel more “male.” Unfortunately, the result is usually an increase in anxiety.

This anxious state is characterized by feelings of confusion, shame, guilt, and fear. These individuals are confused over their inability to handle their problem. They feel shame over their inability to control what society considers “perverse” activities. Even though cross-dressing and cross-gender fantasies provide relief, the respite is temporary. These activities often leave individuals with a profound shame over their thoughts and activities.

Closely associated with shame is guilt, particularly about being dishonest with family and friends. Sometimes people with gender identity disorder get married and have children without telling their spouse about their disorder. Typically, it is kept secret because they have the mistaken conviction that participation in marriage and parenting will eliminate or cure their gender identity problems. The fear of being discovered further raises their anxiety. With some justification, people with gender identity disorder fear being labeled “sick,” and being rejected and abandoned by people they love.

If an individual’s gender identity disorder is profound, a lifestyle change such as occasional cross-dressing may be insufficient. In such a case, gender expression may move from a lifestyle problem to a life-threatening imperative. The result can be extreme depression that requires medical treatment. If sufficiently severe, the imperative may result in gender reassignment surgery. If an individual lacks the psychological commitment to undertake surgery, the result may be suicide.

Demographics

Gender identity disorder is more prevalent in males than in females. Accurate estimates of prevalence for either males or females are not available.

Diagnosis

A mental health professional makes a diagnosis of gender identity disorder by taking a careful personal history. He or she obtains the age of the patient and determines whether the patient’s sexual attraction is to males, females, both, or neither. Laboratory tests are neither available nor required to make a diagnosis of gender identity disorder. However, it is very important not to overlook a physical illness such as a tumor that might mimic or contribute to a psychological disorder. If there is any question that a physical problem might be the underlying cause of an apparent gender identity disorder, a mental health professional should recommend a complete physical examination by a medical doctor. Laboratory tests might be necessary as components of the physical evaluation.

According to the clinician’s handbook for diagnosing mental disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition text revised (DSM-IV-TR), the following criteria must be met to establish a diagnosis of gender identity disorder. More specific descriptions and examples of the first two criteria follow the list.

• A strong and persistent cross-gender identification.
• Persistent discomfort with his or her sex or having a sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of one’s birth sex.
• The disturbance is not concurrent with a physical intersex condition, such as hermaphroditism in which a person is born with the genitalia of both male and female.
• The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

A strong and persistent cross-gender identification

In children, the disturbance is manifested by four (or more) of the following:

• Repeatedly stating a desire to be, or insistence that he or she is, a member of the other sex.
• Strong preference for wearing clothes of the opposite gender. In boys, displaying a preference for cross-dressing or simulating female attire; in girls, insistence on wearing only stereotypical masculine clothing.
• Displaying strong and persistent preferences for cross-sex roles in make-believe play or experiencing persistent fantasies of being a member of the other sex.
• Having an intense desire to participate in the games and pastimes that are stereotypical of the other sex.
• Exhibiting a strong preference for playmates of the other sex.

Among adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as a stated desire to become a member of the other sex, frequent passing as a person of the other sex, a desire to live or be treated as the other sex, or the conviction that he or she has the typical feelings and reactions of the other sex. These characteristics cannot be merely from a desire for any perceived cultural advantages of being the other sex.

Persistent discomfort with his or her sex or having a sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of one’s birth sex

Among children, the disturbance is manifested by any of the following:

• Among boys, asserting that his penis or testes are disgusting or will disappear, asserting that it would be better not to have a penis, or having an aversion toward rough-and-tumble play and rejecting male stereotypical toys, games, and activities.
• Among girls, rejecting the gender-typical practice of urinating in a sitting position, asserting that she has or will grow a penis, or stating that she does not want to grow breasts or menstruate, or having a marked aversion toward normative feminine clothing.

Among adolescents and adults, the disturbance is manifested by symptoms such as preoccupation with getting rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics (request for hormones, surgery, or other procedures to alter sexual characteristics to simulate the other sex, for example) or a belief that he or she was born the wrong sex.

Treatments

One common form of treatment for gender identity disorder is psychotherapy. The earlier the intervention, the greater likelihood of success. Early intervention can lead to reduced levels of transsexual behavior later in life. The initial aim of treatment is to help individuals function in their biologic sex roles to the greatest degree possible.

Adults who have had severe gender identity disorder for many years sometimes request reassignment of their sex, or sex-change surgery. Before undertaking such surgery, they usually undergo hormone therapy to suppress same-sex characteristics and to accentuate other-sex characteristics. For instance, the female hormone estrogen is given to males to make breasts grow, reduce facial hair, and widen hips. The male hormone testosterone is administered to females to suppress menstruation, deepen the voice, and increase body hair. Following the hormone treatments, pre-operative candidates are usually required to live in the cross-gender role for approximately a year before surgery is performed.

Prognosis

If gender identity disorder persists into adolescence, it tends to be chronic in nature. There may be periods of remission. However, adoption of characteristics and activities appropriate for one’s birth sex is unlikely to occur.

Prevention

Providing gender-appropriate clothing and toys in infancy and early childhood is helpful in preventing or mitigating gender identity disorder. Avoiding derogatory comments about a child’s toy, clothing, or activity preference reduces the potential for inadvertent psychic harm.

Most individuals with gender identity disorder require and appreciate support from several sources. Families, as well as the person with the disorder, need and appreciate both information and support. Local and national support groups and informational services exist, and health care providers and mental health professionals can provide referrals.

Here's my take on this -- if my little boy wanted to wear dresses, so be it. If he wants to be Xena instead of Rambo, so be it. But when it came time to go to school, we'd have a talk about clothing and social expectations. I would make sure he understood that I loved him exactly as he is, but that not all people are so understanding. It's a tough thing for a kid at that age to have to deal with, but children can be brutal about others who are different, as you'll see below.

This is why I would (regretfully) feel compelled to have that talk.

A little background -- Larry had always been effeminate and enjoyed wearing female clothing. He also enjoyed taunting the straight boys who were freaked out by him, at a time (middle school) when gender identity is a touchy subject for many kids. Brandon was the object of his obsession, and he had his own emotional issues as well.

A day or two before the shooting, the school was buzzing with the story about a game Larry was playing with a group of his girlfriends in the outdoor quad. The idea was, you had to go up to your crush and ask them to be your Valentine. Several girls named boys they liked, then marched off to complete the mission. When it was Larry's turn, he named Brandon, who happened to be playing basketball nearby. Larry walked right on to the court in the middle of the game and asked Brandon to be his Valentine. Brandon's friends were there and started joking that he and Larry were going to make "gay babies" together. At the end of lunch, Brandon passed by one of Larry's friends in the hall. She says he told her to say goodbye to Larry, because she would never see him again.

The friend didn't tell Larry about the threat—she thought Brandon was just kidding. There are many rumors of another confrontation between Larry and Brandon, on Feb. 11, the day before the shooting. Several students and teachers said they had heard about a fight between the two but they hadn't actually witnessed it themselves. The next morning a counselor at Casa Pacifica asked Larry what was wrong, and he said, vaguely, "I've had enough." When he got to school, his friends quizzed him about his noticeably unfabulous appearance. He said that he ran out of makeup and hair gel (which wasn't true) and that he had a blister on his ankle (this was true—he'd just bought a new pair of boots). Larry walked alongside Boldrin to the computer class and sat in front of a computer. A few minutes later, a counselor summoned him to her office. She told him that his grades were so low, he was at risk of not graduating from the eighth grade. He went back to his computer. He had written his name on his paper as Leticia King. Most of the campus heard the gunshots. Some described it like a door slammed shut very hard.

The parents are responding to this by suing the school for not enforcing a more strict behavior code.

They (both parents and teachers) seem to have tried to do the right thing, as much as they could, in supporting Larry, but I suspect he didn't get the mental health counseling he needed to deal with who he was becoming. I think the counseling, along with a support group of peers, such as Wingspan here in Tucson, would have helped him deal with the anxiety in a more appropriate way than teasing his peers.

Larry was certainly flamboyant and acting out in unhealthy ways, but it was Brandon who pulled the trigger. Yet the school failed to discipline Larry for taunting Brandon -- taunting can go both ways. In the end, it really doesn't matter. Larry is dead, and Brandon has to live the rest of his life with what he did (and I don't think he should be tried as an adult -- he needs therapy, not jail).

This example shows just how tough a situation it is when a young person struggles with Gender Identity Disorder. I have no good answers, but I hope no other young person ever dies such a needless death.

Here a couple of websites for more information:
All Mixed Up by Madeline H. Wyndzen, Ph. D., a transgendered professor of psychology. She discusses her personal experiences with gender dysphoria and critiques the mental illness model of "gender identity disorder".
Gender Identity Disorder by George A. Rekers, Ph.D.
Gender Identity Disorder - Psychology Today


Tags: Gender Identity Disorder, gender roles, culture, psychology, Mental Health, About Life, Newsweek, Gender identity, gender-appropriate behaviors, masculinity, femininity, adolescents

Gender Issues in Mental Health

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This long but useful article takes a look at the situation of gender issues in mental health. It seems, based on the research, that men and women tend to suffer from most of the same illnesses, with a few marked exceptions -- women are more likely to experience internalizing disorders (withdrawal, anxiety, depression), but men are more likely to experience externalizing disorders (sensation-seeking, aggressiveness, conduct disorder).

Some have attributed these differences to an under-responsive central reward system (externalizing) or to an over-responsive central inhibition system (internalizing). Both of these can be comorbid with problems in the vagal nerve function in modulating emotion.

I'm only posting the "meat" of the article here, so for a full look at how gender is defined and the history of gender studies in psychology, please go to the site.

Gender Issues in Mental Health

Women’s issues

Typical stressors

Women are often expected to occupy a number of roles at the same time: wife, mother, homemaker, employee, or caregiver to an elderly parent. Meeting the demands of so many roles simultaneously leads to stressful situations in which choices must be prioritized. Women are often forced to choose whether to pursue or further a career versus whether to devote more time to home and family.

Many women prefer to work outside the home because it gives them a greater sense of life satisfaction. For other women, such as those who run single-parent households, employment is not an option—it is a necessity. Compared with men, women are frequently given jobs with less autonomy or creativity, which decreases their level of job satisfaction. Women may also have more difficultly being accepted in the workplace because of hierarchical structures preferring men. Documentation repeatedly shows that women’s salaries are lower than those of men in comparable positions; women tend to be paid less even when performing the same job as a man.

When women do choose or are required to work outside the home, they continue to perform the bulk of household duties as well. Sarah Rosenfield reported that compared to men, women perform 66% more of the domestic work, sleep one-half hour less per night, and perform an extra month of work each year. Needless to say, increased workloads and decreased attention to rest and relaxation are stressful and pose obstacles to women’s mental health.

Divorce results in more severe consequences for women who choose or are able to stay home in deference to child-rearing. Such women depend on marriage for financial security. Such domestic skills as childcare and housecleaning are not highly valued by society, and thus are poorly compensated in terms of money. Women who have never been employed and then experience divorce often have few options for securing adequate income.

Although women’s ability to form meaningful relationships is a buffer against stress, it can also be a source of stress. Caring about another person can be stressful when that person is not doing well physically or emotionally. Many families take for granted that the female members will care for elderly parents who are no longer self-sufficient. As a result, many women in their forties or fifties are caught between the needs of their college-age offspring and the needs of dependent parents or parents-in-law. Interpersonal conflicts resulting from these heavy burdens may cause stress or lower self-esteem. Women may also view unsuccessful relationships as representing failure on their part to fulfill traditional feminine qualities such as nurturance, warmth, and empathy.

Additional sources of stress common to women include victimization, assertiveness, and physical unattractiveness. Victimization is a constant concern due to the power differential between men and women. Assertiveness may be stressful for women who have had little experience in competitive situations. Physical unattractiveness may cause some women who adhere to unrealistic standards of feminine beauty to experience shame, or place them at risk for developing eating disorders. Women considered unattractive may also suffer discrimination in the workplace or in admission to higher education. In addition, the double standard of aging in contemporary society means that all women will eventually have to cope with the stigma of unattractiveness simply through growing older.

Typical coping strategies

Studies suggest that women typically react to stress by seeking social support, expressing feelings, or using distraction. These strategies might include praying, worrying, venting, getting advice, or engaging in behaviors that are not related to the problem at all (including such antisocial behaviors as drinking alcohol). Seeking social support and distraction are considered avoidant coping strategies because they do not focus on solving or overcoming a problem, only on alleviating the stress associated with the problem. Research is inconclusive regarding whether men or women are more likely to use problem-solving, which is considered an active coping strategy.

Typical patterns of psychopathology

Women are more likely than men to experience internalizing disorders. Primary symptoms of internalizing disorders involve negative inner emotions as opposed to outward negative behavior. Depression (both mild and severe) and anxiety (generalized or “free-floating” anxiety, phobias, and panic attacks) are internalizing disorders common to women. Symptoms include sadness; a sense of loss, helplessness, or hopelessness; doubt about one’s ability to handle problems; high levels of worry or nervousness; poor self-esteem; guilt, self-reproach, and self-blame; decreased energy, motivation, interest in life, or concentration; and problems with sleep or appetite.

Men’s issues

Typical stressors

Situations that typically produce stress for men are those which challenge their self-identity and cause them to feel inadequate. If their identity closely matches a traditional male role, they will experience stress in situations requiring subordination to women or emotional expressiveness. They will also experience stress if they feel they are not meeting expectations for superior physical strength, intellect, or sexual performance. Research indicates that men who strictly adhere to extreme gender roles are at higher risk for mental disorders.

Certain cultures are thought to adhere more strictly to traditional male gender roles. In a study by Jose Abreu and colleagues, Latino men were identified as adopting the most exaggerated form of masculinity, followed by European Americans, and then African Americans. The Latino image of masculinity is often referred to as machismo and includes such qualities as concern for personal honor, virility, physical strength, heavy drinking, toughness, aggression, risk-taking, authoritarianism, and self-centeredness. African American males are also thought to have a unique image of masculinity; however, Abreu’s study showed that African Americans are more egalitarian in terms of gender roles than European Americans.

Typical coping strategies

Men typically respond to stress by putting on a tough image, keeping their feelings inside, releasing stress through such activities as sports, actively attempting to solve the problem, denying the problem, abusing drugs or alcohol, or otherwise attempting to control the problem. As stated previously, research is inconclusive regarding whether males or females use problem-solving strategies more often. This type of coping strategy, however, has more frequently been attributed to males. Problem-solving is seen as an active coping strategy, which is more effective than such avoidant strategies as denial, abuse of drugs or alcohol, or refusing to talk about problems.

Typical patterns of psychopathology

Men are more likely than women to experience externalizing disorders. Externalizing disorders are characterized by symptoms involving negative outward behavior as opposed to internal negative emotions. Such externalizing disorders as substance abuse (both drugs and alcohol) and antisocial behavior (such as anger, hostility, aggression, violence, stealing, etc.) are common to men. Substance abuse results in such negative physical and social consequences as hallucinations, blackouts, physical dependency, job loss, divorce, arrests, organ and brain damage, and financial debt. Antisocial behavior impairs interpersonal relationships and can also result in negative consequences in other areas of life, such as runins with the criminal justice system.

Men are not exempt from such internalizing disorders as anxiety and depression. In fact, one study found that high levels of masculinity appear to be related to depression in males. Some researchers feel that men’s abuse of substances could be considered the male version of depression. Because male gender roles discourage admitting vulnerability, men may resort to substance abuse as a way of covering their feelings.

Men who adhere to rigid gender roles are also at a disadvantage in interpersonal relationships, especially intimate relationships. They may avoid emotional expressiveness, or may behave in domineering and hostile ways. These behaviors increase their risk of social isolation, disconnection from nurturance, and participation in unhealthy relationships.

Mental health

Research indicates that, overall, neither males nor females are at greater risk for developing mental disorders as such. Being male or female may indicate susceptibility to certain types of disorders, however. Neither masculinity nor femininity is uniformly positive; both gender identifications have strengths and weaknesses. For example, femininity appears to be protective against antisocial behaviors and substance abuse, but is associated with high levels of avoidant coping strategies and low levels of achievement. Masculinity appears to be protective against depression, but is high in antisocial behavior and substance abuse.

Information about gender roles has implications for treatment. Women may not seek treatment because of lack of such resources as money, transportation, or time away from childcare duties. A treatment center sensitive to women’s issues should seek to provide these resources in order to facilitate access to treatment. Men, on the other hand, may not seek treatment because it is incongruent with their image of masculinity. Therapists may need to offer men less threatening forms of treatment, such as those that focus on cognitive problem-solving rather than on emotions.

The focus of therapy may differ according to one’s gender issues. Therapists should recognize the potential for shame and defensiveness when exploring gender norms. Externalizing behaviors may point to underlying hidden shame. For women, the importance placed on various roles in their lives and how closely those roles are tied to their self-identity is relevant. Men may be encouraged to connect to the spiritual aspects of their being and to consider less stringent views of masculinity. Therapists should also consider the associated influences of generation, culture, class, occupation, and educational level when exploring gender role issues.

Mental health is best achieved by maintaining a balance between masculine and feminine qualities. Taking either set of qualities to an extreme and to the exclusion of the other is detrimental. A non-traditional gender role orientation would combine the best of both genders: a social focus (reciprocally supportive relationships and a balance between interests of self and others) and active coping strategies.

Flexibility in using coping strategies is also important. Active, problem-focused coping strategies help to change the situation that is causing the problem. Avoidant or emotion-focused coping strategies manage or reduce emotional distress. Avoidant and emotion-focused strategies may be helpful for the immediate crisis, but should be used in combination with more active strategies for complete problem resolution.

Tags: Gender Issues, Mental Health, gender roles, psychology, culture, men, women, therapy, coping strategies, psychopathology, internalizing disorders, externalizing disorders

The Michael Phelps Complex: Do Olympians Make Men Feel Worse About Their Bodies?

Interesting - another look at how men are suffering from various forms of body dysmorphic disorder. A big part of this, it seems to me, is self-esteem, but it gets complicated in a culture where literally 67% percent of the people are overweight or obese.

For clarity sake, an "oggie" is an old guy over 40, which would include me.

The Michael Phelps Complex: Do Olympians Make Men Feel Worse About Their Bodies?

OK OGGIES…DO THE PICTURES OF MICHAEL PHELPS, JASON LEZAK, AND THE MEN’S SWIM TEAM MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK?…THE SURVEY NUMBERS SAY YES…EVEN THOUGH THESE OLYMPIANS ARE YOUNG AND IN THEIR PRIME, THE VISUAL IMPACT IS THAT THAT IS HOW OUR EXPECTATIONS WILL BE SHAPED…EAT LESS AND EXERCISE SMART…READ THE POSTS IN THIS BLOG! HERE IS A PRESS RELEASE AND SELECTED HIGHLIGHTS FROM A MENS FITNESS BODY SURVEY:

“According to the results of the annual Men’s Fitness Magazine Body Survey, 70% of men - an all-time high - are now unhappy with their bodies. This figure exactly matches the 70% of women who feel unsatisfied with their figure.”

“To stay healthy we should be doing a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise five times a week, but don’t forget that can include running for the bus, taking the stairs instead of the lift and having a kick-about in the park. There are also loads of exercises you can do at home - just remember the little and often mantra.”

LONDON, August 11 /PRNewswire/ – Men are the new Women

When it comes to being unhappy with body shape - it seems men are the new women.

According to the results of the annual Men’s Fitness Magazine Body Survey, 70% of men - an all-time high - are now unhappy with their bodies. This figure exactly matches the 70% of women who feel unsatisfied with their figure.

Another surprising stat reveals that one in three British men feel self-conscious about being naked in front of their girlfriends - which means turning the lights out for sex is no longer a female preserve.

Pete Muir, editor, Men’s Fitness magazine comments: “Traditionally it has been women who suffer from negative perceptions about their bodies but our survey shows that men are now joining them in the body-angst stakes.”

The report also reveals that a whopping 87% of all men would like to pile on more muscle, whilst 1 in 5 British men would consider having plastic surgery in a bid to alter their physique.

Pete Muir continues: “Over a third of men said that they can’t find enough time to work out properly, so it’s our job to show them that going under the knife isn’t necessary - it’s possible to fit workable fitness regimes into everyday life.

To stay healthy we should be doing a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise five times a week, but don’t forget that can include running for the bus, taking the stairs instead of the lift and having a kick-about in the park. There are also loads of exercises you can do at home - just remember the little and often mantra.”

Nobody does it better

When it comes to male body idols, Daniel Craig is still top of the bods - with over a third of all recipients coveting 007’s build - whilst men and women agree that curvy Jessica Alba has the best female figure.

Full survey findings will appear in the September issue of Men’s Fitness Magazine.

Tags: The Michael Phelps Complex, Do Olympians Make Men Feel Worse About Their Bodies?, body image, men, culture, Mens Fitness Magazine

Integral Gender Discussions

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To further the conversation started last week by Kelly Bearer at her blog, Black Plum - Emptiness and the AQAL Matrix, (and mentioned here: WIE Editor Suggests the Eradication of Terms Masculine/Feminine), there is a discussion going on at Integral Life that includes Elizabeth Debold, the WIE editor who spoke at the Integral conference.

[Along that same line of thinking, the Integral Institute pod at Gaiam is having a discussion of Masuline/Feminine as a Stage, with some good stuff being offered up by the various members.]

Back to the point: Debold responded directly to Kelly's original post, which you can read here. She commented on my post, as well, directing me to the conversation at Integral Life.

Here is a bit of her comments at IL:

We need to be really clear which developmental level we are referring to when we use these terms. How human beings have understood sex difference, gender, and gender roles has varied enormously in history in relation to consciousness development. There isn't some "pure" feminine and masculine that is outside of intepretation in culture and embedded in a particular consciousness level. I'm saying that the full embodiment of integral consciousness is new and that we don't yet know what the integral emergence will mean for us as women and men--what the manifestation will be or what these concepts will come to mean. Holding onto ways of thinking about these terms that come from prior levels of development doesn't seem useful to the emergence of the new--and will end up limiting where we think we can go or how we can be. The thing about the evolution of consciousness is that at each new stage, potentials and understandings become possible that couldn't be imagined at a prior level--and may be strenuously resisted.

She makes a great point here.

I have serious doubts about what we can actually say about masculine and feminine beyond our current stage development. The reality is that most of the people living a post-masculine life (or post-feminine, for that matter, but I'll be focusing on the masculine), are doing so far from the discussions in which we are engaged. We don't know what a post-maculine man is, but we do know that the feminized men who seem to be increasing in numbers aren't what we want to see for the future of masculinity.

Although I tend to agree with Debold that we can't possibly know what an integral consciousness will look like, since none of us are there yet (yeah, I know there are many people claiming to be, but I really don't think it's anything more than intellectualization of integral concepts).

One thing that seems rather obvious and seems to have been overlooked is that no matter where our consciousness develops, we are still human beings in distinctly human bodies, male or female.

A truly integral viewpoint, if I may offer some conjecture, will include the physical body as part of its consciousness, not leave it behind. Therefore we will never be free of the physical concepts of male and female. This is good!

I'd like to see the concept of masculinity evolve to encompass a prepersonal, personal, and post-personal defintions. For example, we might see the prepersonal as being male, the physical self. The personal stage might be agentic, the realization of personal power and the ability to engage the body's energy to create. The post-personal stage might be eros, the drive to transcend and evolve. [For women it would be female, communion, agape.]

Now the other part of this is that once we get past the prepersonal, men can embody the feminine qualities and women can embody the masculine qualities, but they will look different because the physical foundation is different, the biology is different.

Try as we like, we are always human beings embodied in either a male or female physicality -- any attempt to not include that truth is doomed to failure. However, biology is not destiny, so we can choose, to a certain extent, how we want to embody those gender qualities that are not purely physical.

Tags: Integral theory, Gender, Integral Life, gender roles, masculinity, Elizabeth Debold, Kelly Bearer, developmental stage, prepersonal, personal, post-personal, male, female, agency, eros, embodied

On Abuse and Gender

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I found this blog through my Google feeds, which bring me all kinds of random crap and the occasional nugget of wisdom. This is one of those nuggets.

The blogger at Beyond Mere Survival works for an organization called Middle Way House, which seems to be an advocacy organization for those who find themselves in abusive relationships. She recounts in a recent post the realization that the men involved in relationship abuse are often as in need of help as the women, and that given a better option, they would rather not be abusive men.

today, because of some oversight from the hospital, i found myself in a room with the woman that asked for assistance, and her boyfriend, whom she was calling about. i was not aware that he was her partner, i though he might have been a family member or friend. however, as i started explaining to her the services the middle way offers, he started yelling that “this country has gone to shit, and people are just reverse sexist and racist. no one give a fuck about men anymore, the only people that can get help are women and blacks”, he also yelled at the woman i was with, demanding to know why i was even there.

he proceeded to scream that the organization i was representing was sexist because it helped women, and not men. then he stormed out the door after slamming things around the room.

in moments like these there is no rational train of thoughts, i find myself usually oddly calm, and unfazed. i was worried that my presence might have triggered a worse situation than before i got there for the woman. we were able to talk a bit, and i gave her phone numbers and resources, and talked about healthy and unhealthy relationships.

after not so long he came back, and i approached him trying to explain the services the middle way has for men, and that we try to be as gender conscious as possible, and advocate for anyone that needs help.

he broke down and started to cry, and told me about how abusive his father had been to him, and saying that he just wanted to feel loved, and being in a relationship was just too painful. i ended up talking to him for a very long time.

he expressed feeling helpless, and hopeless, and that nothing or no one had ever helped him when he needed it. feeling completely hopeless at 18 is one of the saddest things i can think of.

in the end we all came together again and talked about things that they think could help their relationship, and where to find support with them.

it was strange, and i don’t think i have even quite digested the intensity of it all. what jumps out at me is that he needed help as much as she did, and that thinking of violence as a clear cut issue won’t help anything.

it makes me crazy to think that in a way he is right. what help is there for a man wanting support in learning how to be in a healthy relationship?

Go read the rest of the post.

Abuse is generally seen as a women's health issue, but if we ever want to put an end to it, we need to begin looking at it as a men's issue -- and that means that we, as men, need to step up to help other men when the situation arises. [OK, in fairness, there is an increasing number of women abusing men, but it remains a minority and the damage inflicted, most times, is minimal in comparison.]

Partner abuse really is about the lack of healthy role models for young men, especially young men who grow up with abusive fathers. We all know that abuse begets abuse, and the cycle continues until someone has the courage and the resources to end the pain.

I don't think the men who are abusive want to be that way. I think that many of them (maybe most of them) would gladly change if they knew how and had the resources and support to do so. The question is how we get them the help they need.

The system, as it is currently set up, criminalizes abusers, then puts them in jail where their anger grows and festers and they learn to be even more hateful and hurtful. This doesn't seem like a good plan to me. Healthy madculinity (either as a skill or as a model) does not exist behind bars.

Clearly, there needs to be some form of punishment for assaulting one's partner. But why can't we remove these men from the situation and put them into an environment where they are getting therapy and learning new skills that might give them options that are better than violence?

The criminal model isn't working -- it's time to try something else.

Tags: On Abuse and Gender, men, women, relationships, abuse, Beyond Mere Survival, sexual abuse, violence, incarceration, therapy, life skills

Celebrate Your Woman: 4 (Easy) Steps to a Better Relationship

Justice Schanfarber at Men Mastering Relationships is seeking 100 men to make a commitment to honor their partners.

Here is the whole post -- if you want to make this commitment, go to his blog.

Celebrate Your Woman: 4 (Easy) Steps to a Better Relationship

There’s something inspiring about her. Maybe it’s a big thing, maybe it’s small.

There’s a moment that she does or says something, or a way she moves. Let go of your criticism for just a few minutes. What’s divine about your woman? What stirs you?

Now choose to celebrate that. Celebrate it with a few deep, conscious breaths right now on your own. Celebrate it with a gift to her. You don’t have to tell her what you’re celebrating, but tell yourself.

If you’re not used to celebration, you might wonder what exactly I mean. Consider this equation: CELEBRATION = APPRECIATION + ACTION.

CELEBRATION IS APPRECIATION IN ACTION.

My coach Jean-Pierre LeBlanc turned me on to this simple and powerful realization during a group call. I understood the power of appreciation, but conscious celebration was less familiar. Now it has become second nature (thank you Jean-Pierre)!

It’s easy to get hooked into fixating on all the problems in your relationship, the things you don’t like. This can become habitual, until subconsciously you believe that there are only problems to be fixed, only deficits.

You’re familiar with the law of attraction? What you focus your attention on expands. What you appreciate… appreciates.

Well, CELEBRATION is like APPRECIATION to the power of ten because it includes ACTION. And because you are a human being with a masculine core, action is a potent synergist for whatever you find inspiring in Her.

Here it is in four easy steps:

1. Identify something (anything!) in your woman that you like, that you want more of.
2. Find a conscious, tangible way to celebrate it, alone or with her (or even with others…).
3. Watch it grow!
4. Repeat.

Imagine this - All of your life being a celebration… your appreciation in action. No more re-acting against, or numbing out. Pure celebration. What would your life be like? What would the world be like?

It’s possible. Start where you are. Start today.

Here’s a CHALLENGE, and an opportunity to MAKE IT REAL and MAKE IT STRONGER: Share your celebration with our readers. Tell us WHAT you choose to celebrate in your woman, HOW you will celebrate it, and WHEN. Or share your stories of past celebration and the effect it had.

My hope is to see hundreds of men step up to this challenge and encourage other men with their ideas and stories of actively, consciously, celebrating their women. Please share.

Tags: Celebrate Your Woman. 4 (Easy) Steps, Better Relationship, men, women, relationships, Justice Schanfarber, Men Mastering Relationships, celebration, appreciation, action

Dr Pam Spurr - Why It's Time for the Alpha Male to Make a Comeback

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There seems to be more and more of a consensus that the 21st century male has become too feminized for his own good (and the good of the women who want him to be more manly), and this after three decades of effort by feminists to make men more like women. It's enough to make a man spin his circles chasing his invisible tail.

Dr Pam Spurr, a "sex & relationships expert," offers up this article in defense of the the "alpha male." It's a look at the issue as it occurs in England, but I think the same issues are true on this side of the pond as well.

Why it's time for the alpha male to make a comeback

Just how manly a man do you want? Our sex and relationships expert Dr Pam Spurr asks: is it time to bring back the alpha male?

We women desperately need to rethink the type of man we want. Not only are we a bit confused about whether we want a sensitive 'New Man' or an old-fashioned 'Alpha Male, Man's Man' (or, to be honest, any point in between because we're so fussy!) that the poor chaps are getting confused themselves!

Many women have come to think that their ideal man is a Hugh Grant type - a bit sensitive, endearing and kind of irresistible. But why is he so irresistible? Because we think he needs his personality dragged out of him. And in our fantasy worlds we flatter ourselves that we're the one to do it.

He can be sensitive as long as he's a success

New research has shown that this Hugh Grant type (that's a bit self-deprecating) is indeed a success with us women. But (and here's the rub) he can only be a success with us if he's actually already successful when we meet him. Confused? You will be.

It's like this: if he's already achieved many things in his life, we don't mind him being all sensitive and taking the p*** out of himself because underneath, we already know he has the qualities many of us still want in our men - success, confidence, and (dare we say it) the 'alpha' factor.

The trouble is, many of the men we now meet no longer have these qualities.

This leaves me thinking that the 'New Man' type we associate with Hugh isn't what we really want at all, because deep down us women want to drag the tiger out of him. We believe Mr New Man is hiding a Real Man behind his sweet, but bumbling, facade.

I know from experience that many women don't want a guy who is completely sensitive and emotional through-and-through. Lately, I've heard so many complaints along the lines of: Can't he be a man and ask me out? Why do I have to do the chasing? Why am I always organising our dates? What happened to old-fashioned men? And so on.

So who's to blame for the state of our feelings towards men?

Let's be honest, I think we've only got ourselves to blame for running good men into the ground. For making men feel over the last 10 or 20 years that they need to be as soft as we are, shed tears whenever they want to and ask us for emotional support.

We've done this in so many ways including (rightly) learning how to assert ourselves in every area of our lives but unfortunately forgetting that this shouldn't mean taking control of every aspect of our relationships.

We've demanded so many rights in the workplace (again as we obviously should) but we have forgotten that this will simultaneously crush the chance of a little bit of a good old-fashioned flirting. Now many men are frightened of overstepping the mark in the office, which means we may find ourselves having to do the asking out if we're interested in someone. Many women are also now having babies on their own, claiming that they don't need men because they've given up on finding Mr Perfect.

No wonder men are becoming wary about how they should act around us and in particular, being 'manly'. Yet we secretly miss the times gone by. For example, when we were upset and simply wanted a strong shoulder to lean on - we got one. Now we have a situation where they get emotional with us about something too - because they think we want them to be as sensitive as we are.

When it comes to things like romance - where we once slyly coaxed a little bit out of them - we are now more likely to be the ones booking the candlelit restaurant, the sexy weekends away and planning the little surprises. Also, because women are so good at juggling so many balls, we tend to ignore our partners' and boyfriends' suggestions and advice. Instead we've simply taken over!

Our fantasy men

No wonder we all fantasise about the Freddie Flintoffs and Brad Pitts of this world - the men who look like good old-fashioned Alpha Males that are strong and manly, who know their own minds and can be counted on to tell us so. Who knows though, behind closed doors such men might also have become sensitive little souls bossed around by their women!

Are we asking too much of our men?

In my opinion, yes we are, because we want them to be all things when we want them to be. We might want a strong and solid type of man, but then we also want them to be sensitive when we think they should be. They have to have a backbone of steel when we want to lean on them, but at other times we want them to share a girly-style chat with us. Or go shopping with us and make us feel good about every choice we make (just think how jumpy they must get in that situation - they say anything that might be misconstrued as criticism about our choices and we bite their heads off).

We also want them to do things like be utterly polite around our mums (of course they should be!) but then behave like a sex god in the bedroom. Only after they've given us a tender and sensual massage, mind you!

Because of these high expectations, many women have given up on looking for their Mr Perfect. They're always disappointed because no man can be all things to you. Women think they deserve all the above but if they were honest could they deliver all the above to the men they meet? Are they really Ms Perfect? Of course not! It's time we stopped expecting so much from men and let a bit of their manliness shine through.

How to let him be a man again

If you think you've gone too far in your demands with your boyfriend or partner - and want him to be a bit of an old-fashioned bloke - then why not try these few simple tips:

Ask yourself this question - have you taken over your relationship? Take a step back, be patient and let him make some moves.

Simple hints can help get a little romance out of him. He'll pick up on them and actually book that candlelit restaurant given a chance. Don't get annoyed about hinting - after a while he should catch on to the fact that you want him to be proactive. Then you wont have to do it so much!

When it comes to you making other sorts of decisions you can get him back on track to take action and make decisions with the simplest technique in the world - try asking him! Ask for his advice or his thoughts on a matter or predicament. Then listen to what he has to say - resist jumping in.

If things have gotten seriously out of kilter, then have a heart-to-heart with him spelling out how you feel you might have undermined him. Tell him you'd like to get off to a fresh start where things are more balanced between you two. Let him know you're going to do things like asking, listening, and even hinting when necessary rather than using your usual "sledgehammer" technique to bring home a point to him.

The new, softer and (dare-I-say-it) more feminine you might bring out a stronger and more manly him!

True, but partial.

I tend to doubt that the problem is so much any individual woman, although that can sometimes be the case. The issue is more about how men have been socialized over the past 20 years, and the ever-mounting cultural norm of the metrosexual.

Nothing wrong with a little grooming and concern for appearance, but the corresponding emotional "feminizing" is not very conducive to men being manly. Men can have a better relationship with their emotions, but they should not be expected to be like women.

Again, as I often write here, men can be masculine and sensitive, powerful and tender, assertive and compassionate. It doesn't have to be an either/or, it can be a both/and.

Tags: Dr Pam Spurr, Alpha Male, Comeback, masculinity, relationships, men, women, New Man, feminism

Patrick Bergstrom - I Choose to Live

I found this at Eating Disorder Blogs - Life After Recovery (check it, there's good resources there). This was their post:

I just received a note from Patrick Bergstrom, a former college lacrosse player recovering from a 4 year battle with anorexia nervosa. Patrick just finished working with Lacrosse Magazine on a story about athletics and ED, which will be in the September issue. He is working with the NCAA to reach out to college students and athletes. His is such a rare and much needed perspective, and he's now made it his mission to reach out and help others on the college level. So I thought I'd post his new website www.ichosetolive.com.

I also want to encourage you all to keep your letters coming for our AED benefit book on the stages of recovery! Our editorial team will be reviewing, selecting, and organizing the letters for the book in the next few weeks. Thank you so much to those who have sent your stories already. And if you're interested in contributing, please try to email your letters to gainingthetruth@gmail.com by Sept. 1. There are no format or length requirements, no "rules." Just write from the heart and tell us what recovery means in your life and what is working best for you right now.

Patrick Bergstrom, former college lacrosse player, has a new site, Mastering Recovery: An Athletic Approach, and a new blog: I Choose to Live. Here is the introduction to the new venture:

I have played in many lacrosse games, where I have battled back to beat some of the fiercest opponents. Yet, little did I know, that the biggest battle of my life would take place off the playing field? Facing my past, confronting my demons and going head-to-head with my Eating Disorder have been the hardest challenges of my young life. How does one fight a war with both his mind and body? I have always been the go to player on the field but to face this disorder, I had to seek the help of those around me. I faced the “Enabling Dictator” by becoming the ultimate team player. My heart was my guide and my friends, family, therapist, and fellow teammates were my support. The only way to achieve victory is to openly ask for help!

The essence of team…..

“The coaching staff for your team is important, but coaches don’t win games, players do. This is so true in recovery as well. My greatest weapons for destroying my eating disorder were my teammates. Who were my teammates? They were those amazing souls I spent 30-some days in recovery with. (JM and CB) We came in as strangers connected only by our failures. Yet we left united, as friends and teammates in life. I was lucky to have two of the strongest teammates one could ever wish for. I took something from each of them everyday. One gave me faith and hope when I was ready to quit, and the other made me laugh when it seemed like I could only cry. I was a guy, and I found myself being saved by two strong females. This was an amazing feeling for me, and I will never forget them. When you are in recovery, other clients are your best resources for success. Recovering from an eating disorder is a team sport.”

--Patrick Bergstrom, Mastering Recovery: An Athletic Approach.

This is an important addition to the online resources for eating disorders -- a uniquely masculine site that focuses on the connection with sports that sometimes goes unnoticed.

Tags: masculinity, health, eating disorders, psychology, Patrick Bergstrom, Mastering Recovery, An Athletic Approach, I Choose to Live, Eating Disorder Blogs, Life After Recovery, anorexia nervosa

WIE Editor Suggests the Eradication of Terms Masculine/Feminine at the 1st Biennial Integral Theory Conference

This review of a presentation at last weekend's 1st Biennial Integral Theory Conference comes from Black Plum - Emptiness and the AQAL Matrix.

At the First Biennial Integral Theory Conference, hosted by JFKU, an editor of WIE magazine suggested that we not use the terms Masculine and Feminine as she sat and debated with others on the Integral Feminine panel. Sources say she suggests erasing these two terms from our language because people do not understand the difference between masculine/feminine and male/female or man/woman.

My analysis…

The impulse to eradicate the terms masculine/feminine from our language because people do not understand these terms suggests that said editor does not believe in the inherent nature of human beings to actually learn. With that said, it also implies an eradication of types altogether. The negation of types leads to a neutralized androgyny similar to those inhabiting what Deida calls Stage 2, or the 50/50 relationship. In Wilberian, this correlates with the pluralistic stage of development, where people stationed here often (but not always) find offense with types, even calling them sexiest!

By negating types in culture, in language, in our shared meaning, negates 20% of experience if not more. You see, types are one of the five main elements of the AQAL model. So to negate this element seems to suggest a negation of a certain percentage of manifest reality. And not only are types one of the five main elements, types are the only element that one can find within all the others.

For example, you can find types within quadrants, like blood types, types of religions, types of government, and even masculine/feminine types. You can find types up and down the spiral of development. Yes, you can find types within each stage. You can find types in states. Why do you think Genpo talks about Big Mind AND Big Heart?? Even lines that grow through stages have types associated with them. Even pathologies that occur on the path of development, whether addictions or allergies, have flavors to them or types.

Types are inescapable. To negate the idea of types is to negate the idea of polarity. And without polarity, people are not having sex. And if we aren’t getting down and knocking some relative boots, we halt the process of procreation. And without procreation, we are putting the human race in some serious jeopardy.

My conclusion…

If we eradicate types from language, from our understanding and experience, we might as well kiss the human race good-bye!

- Kelly Sosan Bearer

For the most part, i agree with Her. We can never do away with masculine and feminine without also losing the whole first tier of the developmental hierarchy. i wouldn't want to lose that, would You? No first tier, no animal-nature in Our sexuality. No fun there.

Besides, polarity is crucial to true sexuality, as David Deida repeatedly points out (OK, this is a summary of His views):

Knowingly treading in some dangerous waters, Deida first establishes some basic fundamentals, common ground, or "the basics," because nowadays, there's really a great deal of confusion about fundamentals.

So, Deida starts with the basics: What is the essence of being a man, or "masculinity"? What is the essence of being a woman, or "femininity"? And how do they interact?

Term Clarification: Deida talks more about a persons' "sexual essence" than their actual physical gender. To be accurate, he does not use the term "men" or "guys" as much as he uses "those with a masculine sexual essence" (because to be accurate, the two, strictly speaking, don't always go together) . . . and similarly, he doesn't say "women" or "girls" as much as he says "those with a feminine sexual essence," for the same reason.

To clarify, in general, guys have a "masculine sexual essence," girls have a "feminine sexual essence" . . . but not always. A persons' "sexual essence" is more an inner, psychological quality or character essence than it is pure physical gender.

These basic essences find their grounding in polarity -- without the polarity, no juice to fuel the magic of intimacy. It's that simple.

Dropping terms from the language wouldn't really change that fact -- but that fact necessitates the use of masculine and feminine in the language. At least that's my take on it.

Tags: What Is Enlightenment?, Eradication, Terms, Masculine, Feminine, 1st Biennial Integral Theory Conference, masculinity, femininity, men, women, sexuality, gender, Black Plum, Kelly Sosan Bearer

Simple Marriage Project - The Art Of Non-Sexual Touch

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This is a great -- and important -- post from Simple Marriage Project, full title: Man Up: The Art Of Non-Sexual Touch.

In my experience, one of the things men tend to mess up in relationships is thinking that all intimate touch is sexual touch. It's not. Not all intimacy is, or should be, about sex. But this post gets it right, and it needs to be read by a LOT more men.

Man Up: The Art Of Non-Sexual Touch

If you are neanderthal or cromagnum man reading this, your reaction to the title may be “What? Me must procreate!” If you are somewhat more enlightened you may be saying, “Yeah right, like there is such a thing.”

We are all sexual beings. It’s part of our design. Sexuality plays a role in most everything we encounter. Our society has become more and more sexualized. But in a marriage, there’s more to life than sex. Did I really just say that out loud?

A major component of a fulfilling marriage is the connection you sustain with your partner. However, many times this bid for connection can be met with skepticism. As if there is an ulterior motive with your wanting to touch your spouse.

There may be times where your spouse sees right through your motives. It may also be that your “moves” need a little work.

It’s my belief that most of the communication within marriage happens on a covert level. Speaking up and saying what you really think or want involves too much risk. So we figure out how to get what we want through covert action. Now to be fair, both members of the marriage are complicit in this exchange. In order to break this pattern, the truth must come out.

This could be as simple as speaking up when you are interested in going out for a guys weekend, or when you want to buy the newest techno gadget, or even when you want to have sex.

An interesting phenomenon occurs in most people when the topic of sex comes up. Everyone claims they are interested in the act, many claim to really enjoy the act, but most people have a hard time talking about it with their partner.

Pardon me while I paint with a stereotypical brush for a moment. Most men will report that in their marriage, sex is a way to gain closer connection. While most women would state they are interested in a closer connection in order to be more interested in sex.

With these differing views of the same thing, somethings bound to give.

Interesting though, both men and women report that they are interested in greater connection with their spouse. But they are going about it differently.

So what exactly is the benefit of a closer connection in marriage you ask? You tell me.

A marriage that is fully alive experiences better things in life. Better joy. Better love. Better families. Better children. Better jobs (not necessarily better money, but better fulfillment). Even better sex. While the quantity of sex may not increase, the quality will.

Incorporating more non-sexual touch in marriage will increase the level of connection. Bear in mind, the point of this type of touch is the connection, not the possibility of sex later.

Go read the seven tips offered for how to bring non-sexual touch into your relationship.

Tags: Simple Marriage Project, Man Up, The Art Of Non-Sexual Touch, relationships, men, women, intimacy