The Strength of Compassion - Coming at Conflict with an Open Heart

When men enter into conflict, whether it's a disagreement with a buddy over who is the best NFL quarterback of all time or it's a debate with his fiance over the pros and cons of a DJ at the wedding, if men care about the conflict, their goal is to win. In essence, winning means the other person loses - when someone loses, there are hurt feelings.

But this is not how conflict needs to be handled, it's simply how men are raised (in general, of course) to approach conflict.

The idea of approaching conflict with compassion and an open mind and heart seems like a sure way be humiliated. Again, it need not be this way.

Conflicts generally arise when two or more people who differing needs and/or beliefs. If we approach these situations as opportunities to learn about someone else, and allow our minds and hearts to remain open, then conflict can become an experience in which we learn more about others and more about ourselves.

The Strength of Compassion

Coming at Conflict with an Open Heart

by Madisyn Taylor

Conflict should always be met with open ears and an open heart.

Conflict is an unavoidable part of our lives because our beliefs and modes of being often contrast powerfully with those of our loved ones, acquaintances, and associates. Yet for all the grief disagreements can cause, we can learn much from them. The manner in which we handle ourselves when confronted with anger or argument demonstrates our overall level of patience and the quality of our energetic states. To resolve conflict, no matter how exasperating the disagreement at hand, we should approach our adversary with an open heart laden with compassion. Judgments and blame must be cast aside and replaced with mutual respect. Conflict is frequently motivated by unspoken needs that are masked by confrontational attitudes or aggressive behavior. When we come at conflict with love and acceptance in our hearts, we empower ourselves to discover a means to attaining collective resolution.

The key to finding the wisdom concealed in conflict is to ask yourself why you clash with a particular person or situation. Your inner self or the universe may be trying to point you to a specific life lesson, so try to keep your ears and eyes open. Once you have explored the internal and external roots of your disagreement, make a conscious effort to release any anger or resentment you feel. As you do so, the energy between you and your adversary with change perceptibly, even if they are still operating from a more limited energy state. Consider that each of you likely has compelling reasons for thinking and feeling as you do, and accept that you have no power to change your adversary’s mind. This can help you approach your disagreement rationally, with a steady voice and a willingness to compromise.

If you listen thoughtfully and with an empathetic ear during conflict, you can transform clashes into opportunities to compromise. Examine your thoughts and feelings carefully. You may discover stubbornness within yourself that is causing resistance or that you are unwittingly feeding yourself negative messages about your adversary. As your part in disagreements becomes gradually more clear, each new conflict becomes another chance to further hone your empathy, compassion, and tolerance.

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Listening with Your Heart- Less Thinking and More Feeling

This is the Daily Om from a couple of weeks ago, an encouragement to listen with our hearts, which for men is not something we have been taught to do as we grew up. We are taught that feelings are sissy, girly, or gay, and that "real" men are rational and emotionless. This traditional model of masculinity, of manliness, is basically bullshit.

We are no less able to listen with our hearts than are women, but if we were taught how to listen as kids, we will need to practice this skill to become more adept at it. There is a brief exercise in this post that offers a way to practice this skill.

Listening with Your Heart
Less Thinking and More Feeling

by Madisyn Taylor

When we begin to listen with our hearts rather than our heads, our whole world changes and becomes softer.

Most of us were born and raised in cultures that value the head over the heart and, as a result, we place our own hearts below our heads in a sort of inner hierarchy of which we may not be conscious. What this means is that we tend to listen and respond from the neck up, often leaving the rest of our bodies with little or no say in most matters. This is a physical habit, which sometimes feels as ingrained as the way we breathe or walk. However, with effort and awareness, we can shift the energy into our hearts, listening and responding from this much deeper, more resonant place.

The brain has a masterful way of imposing structure and order on the world, creating divisions and categories, devising plans and strategies. In many ways, we have our brains to thank for our survival on this planet. However, as is so clear at this time, we also need the wisdom of our hearts if we wish to continue surviving in a viable way. When we listen from our heart, the logical grid of the brain tends to soften and melt, which enables us to perceive the interconnectedness beneath the divisions and categories we use to organize the world. We begin to understand that just as the heart underlies the brain, this interconnectedness underlies everything.

Many agree that this is the most important work we can do at this time in history, and there are many practices at our disposal. For a simple start, try sitting with a friend and asking him to tell you about his life at this moment. For 10 minutes or more, try to listen without responding verbally, offering suggestions, or brainstorming solutions. Instead, breathe into your heart and your belly, listening and feeling instead of thinking. When you do this, you may find that it’s much more difficult to offer advice and much easier to identify with the feelings your friend is sharing. You may also find that your friend opens up more, goes deeper, and feels he has really been heard. If you also feel great warmth and compassion, almost as if you are seeing your friend for the first time, then you will know that you have begun to tap the power of listening with your heart.

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Robert Althouse - Five Ways to Improve Communication

This article comes from the Good Men Project - it's an excellent collection of strategies designed to improve communication in relationships. Men are generally considered unskilled in this realm, which does not mean we are incapable of doing it, only that we have not been taught how to do it well. Fortunately, I see this changing in the younger men with whom I have contact.

~ Roshi Robert Althouse is a fully empowered Zen teacher in the White Plum lineage and a fully ordained Zen Buddhist Priest. Roshi and his wife, Rev. June Ryushin Tanoue, co-founded the Zen Life & Meditation Center.

Five Ways to Improve Communication

November 8, 2012 By Robert Althouse

Zen Master Robert Althouse offers communication tips that critique the myth of the American cowboy

A common mythology in American culture continues to be the myth of the cowboy–the rugged individual who goes it alone. Cowboys don’t need to know what they are feeling or needing, because they spend all their time identifying and exposing bad guys who need to either be killed or punished. Once you’ve completed the job, then you can ride triumphantly off into the sunset on your horse–alone.

So it may come as a shock to discover that this underlying myth is impairing your ability to communicate in a healthy and proactive way with others. And this diminished communication is reducing the amount of trust you could otherwise have with the people you work and live with every day.

There are skills you can learn to help you improve the quality of your communication with others. I’d like to give you a few suggestions about ways to begin doing this:

1. Learn how to Listen There is nothing more important than listening. And listening is not something we generally do very well. We are often distracted, or we are busy thinking of what we are going to say next, before the other person has finished speaking themselves. That means we really don’t hear what they’ve said at all. This kind of deep listening is something you can practice and improve. You get a chance to do this many times each day. Notice what a difference it can make in your relationships when you really listen to others sincerely and wholeheartedly.

2. Cultivate a Needs Awareness At the Zen Life and Meditation Center I operate (just outside Chicago), I teach a practice called “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC). NVC is a way of communicating more proactively with others. This happens as you develop an awareness of the importance of needs. And this seemingly simple step is revolutionary. Most likely, if you reflect on what you learned about needs growing up as a child, you learned some negative things about needs. You really shouldn’t have them because that was considered selfish. And if it was OK to have them, it probably wasn’t OK to speak about them openly. This negative bias in our culture regarding needs is a consequence of the unspoken cowboy mythology which still rules our lives.

Needs in NVC are understood as anything which supports your life. So they are basic and fundamental to living. We have many needs such as needs for shelter, clothing, food, understanding, to be heard, fairness and many more. And needs are at the heart of how you can begin communicating more proactively. Being aware of needs can help you shift from hanging on to judgments to a more empathic awareness, both for yourself and for others.

3. Stand Your Ground Healthy relationships arise when you are able to stand in your own experience without surrendering to a impulsive desire to please or be liked by others. When you don’t stand your ground, you cave in and fuse with the other, which means that you’ve gone missing in action. Standing your ground may mean you have to step outside your comfort zone and that knee-jerk reaction to please others. But when you learn how to do this, you’ll find that the quality and depth of your relationship with others improves.

4. Learn How to Ask for Help Who ever heard a cowboy ask for help? That would be beneath them. It would be ridiculous–a sign of weakness. So take a good look at this one. If you’ve taken on a task that you can’t complete for whatever reason, learn to ask for help. It requires some humility to do this. It requires being able to trust others. You might be surprised that often people are grateful to be asked, because you’ve placed your trust in them. You’ll giving them an opportunity express their generosity by working together with you on a common task.

5. Let Go of Your Agenda It’s hard to listen to another when you’re busy preparing and rehearsing what you’re going to say next before they’ve finished speaking. Enter into conversation in the spirit of learning something new from the other person. By letting go of your attachment to the outcome, you free yourself to open to the person. The space between you becomes respected. It’s a bridge that can carry you across to the other’s experience. You may be surprised at what you discover on the other side.

This post originally appeared on the Zen Life Blog.

Photo by puuikibeach

 

Owen Marcus - Men Speak about the Power of Empathy

The Center for Building a Culture of Empathy recently held an online conference called How Can We Build a Culture of Empathy and Compassion? Owen Marcus curated one of the panels, The Culture of Empathy and Men for the conference.

Here is the post Owen put up, along with the video, which is also available at the Center for Building a Culture of Empathy site for the conference. This is part of a year-long series of panel discussions, so check out the site for ones already complete, and check back for new ones when they are added.

Men Speak about the Power of Empathy

 

“Emotions” and “empathy” are words we don’t generally associate with men. But in my experience, I have found that men are just as emotional and empathetic as women. We just express it differently—different than women express, and different than the culture expects us to express.

Recently I moderated a panel on “The Culture of Empathy and Men” where we explored what empathy is for men. We looked at what is missing for men, and why it seems like we’re behind the empathy curve. But more important than just looking at what’s missing, we looked at ways to fill those gaps. We gave the viewer cues on how he could learn what was never taught to him.

Trauma and chronic stress will shut down a man’s desire to experience empathy. The panel spoke about how the PTSD response can be unlearned in the micro-communities of men’s groups, and in special trainings in corporations.

Going beyond the standard masculine approach to “fix it,” or to agree or disagree, we discussed how listening for understanding is a powerful setup for empathy. When we listen to understand, we create an empathetic dialogue that allows others to open up. The other person wants to share because he or she feels not only safe, but also feels your interest.

Not only are these men speaking to the power of empathy, now science is too.

Unlearning the frozen survival response, which shuts down empathy, changes our brain chemistry. In his book The Moral Molecule, neuroeconomist Paul Zak describes oxytocin’s role in trust, bonding and even virtuous behavior. In this interview Paul Zak speaks about how oxytocin increases as a man or woman relaxes with empathy.

How do you build empathy in a masculine way? What is it like for you to experience a man who is empathetic?

Secret Lives of Men - Harriet Lerner: Marriage Rules

From Chris Blazina's Secret Life of Men, this is a useful discussion with Harriet Lerner on the "rules" of relationships. Her new book seems like a good handbook for the average couple, and my guess is that Blazina would not have her here if it was not also useful for men.

Marriage Rules: Harriet Lerner

by Secret Lives of Men

With Chris Blazina, PhD

Tue, February 14, 2012

Listen to internet radio with Secret Lives of Men on Blog Talk Radio

Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up

Following a unique format perfect for today's world, the author of The Dance of Anger gives us just over 100 rules that cover all the hot spots in long-term relationships.

Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology).

• Calm things down and warm them up
• Talk straight and fight fair
• Listen well as a spiritual practice
• Connect with a distant partner
• Survive the unique challenges of children, stepchildren and difficult- laws
• Follow a 12-step program to overcome defensiveness
• Know how and when to draw the line
• Take back your marriage when things fall apart 
  
  Marriage Rules is a treasure chest of lively, practical advice to help you navigate your couple relationship with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction. If one person in a couple follows ten rules of his or her choice, it will generate a major, positive change. All that's required is a genuine wish for a better relationship and a willingness to practice.
  

Harriet Lerner, PH.D., is one of our nations most loved and respected relationship experts. A renowned scholar on the psychology of women and family relationships, she is the author of The New York Times bestseller, The Dance of Anger, and other acclaimed books that together have sold over six million copies. A clinical psychologist in private practice, Lerner is a distinguished speaker, consultant and workshop leader. She has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, CNN, and NPR and she hosts the "Dance of Connection" blog on psychologytoday.com. She is also, with her sister, an award- winning children's book writer.

Robert Augustus Masters - Listening, and a Deeper Listening…

This is an old article from Robert Augustus Masters, but for some reason I just happened upon it. Maybe it was synchronicity since so much of what I do now is about listening.

As men we get a bad rap for being poor listeners, but we are also never really taught how to listen. In some ways, I was lucky to have grown up partly in a house full of females (after my father died) and to often have had females as best friends. I learned how to listen (and I am still learning).

Perhaps this is why most graduate level counseling programs are around 5:1 females over males - males are rarely taught how to listen and so they do not enter professions that require them to listen (intently and actively).  On the other hand, I know a lot of females in the counseling world who are terrible listeners - so this is not really a gender issue.

This old article sheds like on the art of listening,

Listening, and a Deeper Listening…

November 15th, 2010 | By Robert Augustus Masters



He is speaking slowly and carefully, accurately describing the verbal dynamics of what has just happened between himself and his partner. Several times she starts to speak, but he gently waves her off, saying that when he’s done, she’ll have her turn to speak. On he goes, deftly dissecting the tiny argument they’d gotten into five or so minutes ago.

She leans toward him, her eyes sad, her jaw tightening, as if fighting to hold back her speech; she is afraid that if she interrupts him, he will very likely label her as immature, or — though he’d never say it outloud — as a bitch. So she keeps quiet. Two more minutes pass. He’s still not done.

Finally, she breaks eye contact, looking down. He shows no sign of noticing. She’s thinking about leaving him, and he doesn’t have a clue. The signs are there, and have been for a while, but he’s missing them. When he stops a minute later, she has nothing to say. Tears cover her face. They never argue again. Such brilliant cognition, such an incisive, finely nuanced mind, but such emotional retardation — this is what she writes about him, a few months after she has left him.

Listening is an art.

It asks for more than open ears, more than data-absorbing focus, and much more than agreement or disagreement. Full attention, undivided attention, wide-awake attention, attention that is not allowed to wander or shrink, is essential to listening, especially in the context of intimate relationship.

Although listening might seem like a passive activity — hence the commonplace framing of the listener as lesser than the speaker in many a masculine mind — it is actually quite dynamic. Its requisite openness is not an undiscerning or weakly-boundaried receptivity, but rather a vital clearing for deep hearing.

Listening is all about being wholly attentive to our partner, and not just to what is being said! As we hear what isn’t being said, and respond to that without speaking, we deepen our resonance with our partner, becoming an open space for the fullest possible expression of what he or she is attempting to convey to us.

Read the whole article.

Robert Leahy - Why Men Don't Listen to Women

At first I suspected this might be another of those men are lame and women need to get them to be more like women posts - glad I was wrong. Dr. Leahy, a psychotherapist, actually offers women some useful information about the ways men have been trained not to listen and not to communicate. On the other hand, some of these are not "reasons" for not listening as much as they are lame ass childish responses.

We can do better than this.

And it's not always the men - some women do whine, or manipulate, or want him to be her twin, or refuse to communicate coherently, or . . . . Leahy mentions this, but only in passing. In most relationships issues, there are two people involved.

It certainly need not be this way - a lot of men can listen, attentively and openly, and not have their "jewels" shrivel and fall off (no matter what some of the psuedo-macho men might argue).

Why Men Don't Listen to Women

Robert Leahy, Ph.D.

Director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy

Posted: January 27, 2011

In a recent posting I identified a list of the wrong things to say to someone who is upset. Interestingly, this led to a lot of comments on The Huffington Post, which got me thinking. The first thought I had was, "Why do men find it so hard to validate women?"

Before I get into this, I'd like you to think about the research by psychologist John Gottman. Gottman has been able to predict with 91 percent accuracy which couples will end up getting divorced. He calls these "The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse" -- along with other problematic styles of communication. The Four Horsemen are Criticism ("You are always whining"), Contempt ("You're a basket case"), Defensiveness ("I'm not the problem, you are!") and Stonewalling (withdrawing or becoming silent). Other problematic styles include starting the conversation in a hostile or intense style, giving off body-language that is defensive or cold, flooding your partner with negativity, and bringing up past memories, complaints and injuries. When you can predict divorce with 91 percent accuracy you know you are on to something.

Now I don't want to claim that men are always the problem -- or that they are even more likely to be the problem than women are. No group is innocent, no group is perfect. But I can see that a lot of times men have a great deal of difficulty validating and emotionally supporting the women in their lives. Here are some reasons.

The Seven Reasons Men Don't Listen

1. It's a Power Struggle: Some men view intimate relationships as a win-lose game. If the woman is venting her feelings, then she is winning and the man is losing. As a result these men may try to dominate and control the woman, telling her that she is illogical, out of control or just a pain to deal with. One man says, "You want us to be doormats."
2. Sarcasm: Many men describe their interactions in terms of "sarcastic" comments -- put-downs, contempt, criticism and condescension. For example, some men respond with, "It must be that time of the month" or "Get me a beer" or other problematic and self-defeating comments. They think that sarcasm will get the woman to either shut up or help her see that she is being ridiculous. She gets the message that he not only doesn't care -- but that he is the last person to ask for support. He thinks he's clever and funny -- and she thinks he just doesn't get it.
3. Macho Thinking: A number of men comment that to validate or to use emotional language to support the woman is unmanly. "You are trying to make us into wusses," a number of men say. They believe that the role of the man is to be strong, above it, domineering. Validating and allowing emotional ventilation is for feminized men, men who have lost their dignity as "real men." The women may think that some of the macho confidence is appealing, until it leads them to feel that the only emotion they can get from him is his anger.
4. Emotional Dysregulation: Some men find it so upsetting, so emotionally arousing to listen to their partners that they feel they have to ventilate their anger or withdraw. In fact, this is supported by the research that shows that their pulse-rates escalate during conflict and they find this unbearable. As a result of their own escalating emotion -- which they can't tolerate -- they either try to get her to shut up -- or they leave the room. She feels controlled, marginalized and abandoned.
5. Not Wanting to Reinforce Whining: This is another reason that men give for not supporting or encouraging expression. They believe that validating and making time and space for their partner's expression will reinforce complaining which, in turn, will go on indefinitely. So they want to stop it immediately by using sarcasm, control or stonewalling. She feels that he won't let her talk, that he is cold, aloof, hostile. So she goes somewhere else to get that support -- another woman friend -- or another man.
6. Demand for Rationality: Some men believe that their partner should always be rational and that irrationality cannot be tolerated. Their response to their partner's apparent irrationality is to point out every error in her thinking, dismiss her, become sarcastic or withdraw. This demand for rationality or "the facts" might sound "mature" but I have yet to hear someone say that they have a great sex life because they have the facts on their side. Communication is often more about soothing, grooming, connecting -- less about simply giving you the information and being logical.
7. Problems Have to Be Solved: These men think that the main reason for communication is to share facts that then can be used for problem-solving. They think that venting and sharing feelings gets you nowhere and that if their partner is not willing to initiate problem-solving then she is being self-indulgent and wasting everyone's time and energy. When he jumps in with problem-solving, she either escalates the emotion which she believes is not heard, or she withdraws.

Well, ask yourself, "Have these responses really worked?" Why is this kind of behavior and thinking so predictive of divorce? If it's not working -- and you and your partner both know it's not -- then maybe it's time to think about making a change. You can change your partner -- break up, get divorced. Or, perhaps it would be easier to change your response to your partner. In a previous posting I listed some possible responses.

Let me go back to a fundamental part of intimate relationships. We want to feel that our partner cares about and respects our feelings. We want to believe that they have time to listen. We want to feel supported, soothed and that we are not a burden. The seven beliefs and styles above -- which many men use -- only alienate the women that they claim they love. If it's not working, why would you continue to act this way?

The answer may be that some men view relationships in terms of power and control. They believe that being real men means never giving up your power. They think that women need to be kept in their place, not "indulged," taught how to think rationally and solve real problems. Of course, rationality and problem-solving are important, but if your partner wants to be heard and respected you better find out first before you jump in and take control. Real men share power, real men are partners, real men know that real women need real respect.

Tags: Robert Leahy, Why Men Don't Listen to Women, Huffington Post, John Gottman, The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, power struggle, sarcasm, macho thinking, emotional dysregulation, whining, rationality, problem solving, men, women communication, relationships, listening, psychology