Rob Williams - My Sex Supplement Problem

This is an interesting and extremely honest article on the issues men face with sexual performance. Turns out that the best sexual performance enhancer is intimacy.

My sex supplement problem

It started with Viagra in my 20s, but sex became a performance. Could I ever find intimacy without a pharmacy?

Rob Williams
Monday, Sept 1, 2014


(Credit: Piotr Kowalski via Shutterstock)
“There’s something serious you need to know,” I said, pulling my pretty, ambitious 25-year-old girlfriend, Rachel, aside as we walked home from work. I was 33, trying to play the role of confident older man, but I was a wreck. I lit a cigarette. “Sometimes I take supplements — to help myself perform.”

“You mean like Viagra?” she asked. She looked totally calm, even relieved.

“Lately it’s just over-the-counter things, stuff you can buy at the Vitamin Shoppe: ginseng, L-arginine, maca root,” I confessed. “But the side effects keep getting worse. I get a headache every time, no matter how much I cut the dosage.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” she said. “I thought you were going to tell me something awful. If the headaches bother you that much, stop.”

Her nonchalance made me even more ashamed. “You don’t understand. Without the supplements, I may not be able to do it.”

She touched my arm and said, “It’s going to be fine.”

I tried to smile. Too often in my 20s, when I’d gone to bed with a woman, I couldn’t perform. Even if I did become excited, I usually got thrown off my game moments later. A touch I didn’t like, a word or glance I couldn’t interpret. Anything that made me think made me wilt.

Everything made me think.

The first time I enlisted pharmaceutical help, I was 28. I had become infatuated with a sexy mortuary science student, a sardonic redhead just emerging from what she called her “drunkenly whoring around New York” phase. Some men might have been irritated by their poor timing. I was actually relieved to get a chance to get to know her better before humiliating myself in bed.

We went slow at first, holding hands on the street, kissing on the subway as the train approached the station. Our chemistry was natural, undeniable. But alone in her bedroom in Park Slope, I fumbled tragically.

I gave up and rolled onto my back, staring at the ceiling. Neither of us spoke or moved. To my surprise, her pheromones in the dark and the stillness of the moment excited me. Maybe I wasn’t doomed after all. I went for it, thrilled that I’d salvaged the situation. But afterward, as we got dressed to go downstairs for dinner, she said, “Phew, we finally got that out of the way. Next time, we can do it properly.”

She was trying to be funny, but it sent me into a neurotic tailspin. At home, I went straight to the computer and ordered a bottle of Viagra from an online pharmacy. I couldn’t let another relationship be spoiled by my body’s unreliability.

I never told her the source of my newfound sturdiness. For a while, I was convinced I’d fixed everything. But she had a confusing tendency to create problems where I thought none existed. She complained that because we both had roommates, we never had enough privacy to be completely intimate. I moved to a one-bedroom apartment in her neighborhood. She began to fixate on abstract considerations, questioning my sincerity. Months and several terrible fights later, she confessed she had borderline personality disorder. I insisted that it didn’t matter. I loved her, and I hoped she would still love me if I ever revealed my own flaws. But I never did. She was already obsessed with the idea that I didn’t really love her. I worried that if I revealed there was a chemical component to our sex life, she would doubt my love more. Instead, we fought. I broke off contact.

I blamed my upbringing for my intimacy problems. My parents were both shy. My father was a Christian theology grad student from upstate New York. My mother, a beautiful painter from Connecticut. Their way of teaching my brother and me about sex was simply to ignore the subject. I was insulted by their vague, sentimental statements about how pregnancy “happens when two people are in love.” Did they really think I was that naive? By the time I was 20, I attributed my own difficulties with women to the timid way they had glossed over “the talk.” Now I knew what I’d always suspected was true: Love was not enough.

I enjoyed dating, but as soon as our clothes came off, I felt like I was standing outside of myself. I was too trapped in my head — all my girlfriends had pointed that out. But what was harder to articulate was that I was also trapped in her head. Of course, I couldn’t really know her thoughts, but I desperately wanted to. So I created my own version, concocting a story about what she was thinking. In it, she never truly desired the same things I did. The woman I invented was either offended, ambivalent or humoring me.

The drugs helped, but sex still seemed like a charade. Not only was I being dishonest with the women I dated, I was also being dishonest with myself. I’d always had fantasies of being totally in control in bed. Instead, I was timid, obsequious. With a woman who identified as submissive, I thought I’d have the freedom to be myself, although part of me feared I was a pervert. I had spent years believing pornography excited me in a way that was impossible in the real world. The voices of feminists I’d read reminded me: “Porn is not reality. It’s degrading. Real women would never enjoy it that way.”

I needed to reinvent myself — and my understanding of women. A month before my 30th birthday, I created an erotic online profile advertising myself as “a copy editor by day, burgeoning dom by night.” I told myself it was an experiment, but it was conceived out of desperation. After 12 years of dissatisfaction in the bedroom, it was either that or celibacy.

After creating my kinky alter ego, I was astonished by the number of women in New York having the same fantasies. In the past, I had worried about “using” women as sexual objects. But in terms of the dominance/submission game, that was not only permissible, it was desirable — for both partners. Having clearly defined roles freed us from the awkwardness of egalitarian lovemaking, so that deeper desires could emerge.

Outwardly, I was happier. I was finally enjoying myself, with more partners. But it was as someone else. At the core, my view of myself had not changed. I still saw sex as a performance. I was an actor, and I relied on a spectacular array of products to ensure I didn’t get stage fright.

Vigorplex, Capatrex, Ejaculoid, Python, Python Extra, Tribulus Terrestris Extract, L-Arginine, L-Ornithine, L-Citrulline, maca root, ginseng, zinc, Super Energy Up. I preferred these so-called natural products because they helped me believe the problem wasn’t that bad. Although I bought Viagra over the Internet, it embarrassed me that it was a prescription drug, even if I was the only one who knew about it. Over-the-counter treatments were easier to rationalize.

No matter what I took — Viagra or ginseng or anything in between — I got subtle, distracting headaches, either that night or the next day. In a way it was worse than if they’d been extremely painful, as if Poe’s telltale heart was throbbing in my head. I experimented with different pills and dosages, always searching for the perfect drug in the perfect amount that would give me the desired result without any side effects.

After three years, I had to admit it didn’t exist. Then I met Rachel, a petite, curly-haired brunette at the office. I gave up my Internet conquests to pursue her instead. She was quiet, slinky, catlike — different than the brash, emotionally unstable women I had dated in the past. We flirted for months. Usually, I considered dating co-workers verboten. The likelihood that my secret shame would be revealed was too great. But with her, I thought, perhaps I would risk it.

We circled each other slowly. I told her about my kinks, my double life on the Internet, the tumultuous way my past relationships had ended. I wanted to be understood. She accepted it all. More than that, she seemed charmed. But for months I stopped short of revealing my deeper anxiety and addiction, because I still feared some things were too embarrassing to talk about.

Even after finding the courage to speak honestly with Rachel, I stuck to my routine, taking a bit of L-arginine before she came over. I didn’t want her to know when my new drug-free life was going to start, in case it changed her attitude in some small way, which might throw me off.

Finally, I switched my L-arginine for sugar capsules. To my surprise, the sugar pills were just as good. Does the placebo effect actually work when you administer the medications to yourself? But after having repeated success with the sugar pills, I couldn’t rationally put the true test off any longer. The next time Rachel came over, I didn’t take anything at all.

My body didn’t know the difference. Everything was as good as it had been with the pills. I was amazed but didn’t tell Rachel yet. I needed to replicate the results to believe it. A week later, as we were lying in bed, I turned to her and said, “I finally did it. No supplements of any kind.”

She rolled onto my chest, smiling at me through long lashes. For the first time, I could believe what Rachel had already known: It was going to be fine. Being vulnerable and accepted by her was more powerful than any drug.

Rob Williams is a writer and editor who lives above a meat market in New York City. Read more of his stories at itmustbebobby.com.

More Rob Williams.

Documentary - The Erectionman

One of the most successful drugs of all time is the infamous little blue pill - Viagra. This less than serious documentary takes a look at The Erectionman, the supplier of erections for flaccid men everywhere. And they also look at what Viagra says about male sexuality and anxiety - Viagra is essential to the belief that men must be "ready" on demand.

The Erectionman Synopsis

This movie tracks the history of a little pill that popped on to the market ten years ago, and turned the world upside down. These tiny blue diamonds are also known as Viagra. Nosy and armed with a healthy dose of humor, the director discovers a tale about virility, anxiety and the state of our modern-day man. How one little pill changed the course of sexual evolution.

Film Credits

Starring

1. Irwin Goldstein
2. Michael Schaap
3. Chip Rowe

Director

1. Michael Schaap

Producers

1. Bruno Felix
2. Femke Wolting

Writer

1. Michael Schaap

The Tricycle Interview with Jeff Bridges

One of my favorite actors is also a Buddhist - that's cool. Jeff Bridges, who is currently getting Oscar buzz for his performance as Rooster Cogburn in the remake of True Grit, is interviewed in the current issue of Tricycle, the Buddhist magazine.

Utne Reader called their reprint of this article, The Dude Abides - a reference to his excellent performance as the Dude in The Big Lebowski.

The Natural

How Jeff Bridges works with anxiety and maintaining a joyful mind.

Katy Butler

Jeff Bridges enters the living room of his hotel suite carrying a dark blue Shambhala paperback by Chögyam Trungpa entitled Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving-kindness. “One reason I’m anxious—because I have some anxiety about this interview, like you do,” he says, as he arranges his long body on the couch, “is that I wish I could be more facile with these things that I find so interesting and care about and want to express to people.” He opens the book. “This will be a challenge for me,” he says. “But I’ll attempt it.”

Bridges is 61. Solidly built, he reminds me of an Andalusian carriage horse in late prime, trustworthy and sensitive. He is wearing jeans, clogs, a chambray shirt, and the Rolex Submariner watch that his late father, Lloyd Bridges, wore on the television series Sea Hunt. Were it not for his lightly mussed hair and that expensive watch, he could be a motorcycle mechanic.

We’re talking in Austin, Texas, where he’s filming a violent, darkly comic version of the Western True Grit—the first “period Oater” (as Variety put it) to be directed by the filmmakers Ethan and Joel Coen. In it, Bridges plays Rooster Cogburn, an aging U.S. Marshal who has, not surprisingly, a drinking problem. Like the washed-up country singer of Crazy Heart, the self-betraying lounge pianist of The Fabulous Baker Boys, and the reluctant ex-convict father of American Heart, Cogburn is one of a string of beautiful losers Bridges has portrayed teetering on the brink of some sort of redemption. His acting is so naturalistic and seemingly effortless, in fact, that you can forget that it’s acting.

But anyone who mistakes Bridges for the beatific, potsmoking, Zenlike Dude of The Big Lebowski misses much of what quickens beneath the surface. He was born in 1949 in Los Angeles into an unusually stable movie family, to a loving mother made panicky by the recent loss of an earlier son to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Anxious enough to stutter as a child, he still struggles with what his mother, Dorothy (who also practiced meditation seriously before her death last year), called abulia: difficulty committing to a path of action. He’s been married for 33 years, has acted in 66 films, and helps fund the End Hunger Network of Los Angeles, dedicated to ending the hunger suffered by 16.7 million American children. On its website, he is quoted as saying, “If we discovered that another country was doing this to our children, we would declare war.”

In his hotel bedroom are his meditation bell (a travel-sized gong timer) and a stack of Buddhist books, including Thich Nhat Hanh’s Walking Meditation and three by Pema Chödrön. Most days, before heading out to the film set he meditates for half an hour: following his breath, noticing his thoughts, sitting in a chair with his spine straight and his hands resting lightly on his knees.

Right now he’s intently focused on the blue paperback he holds in his hand: Trungpa’s interpretation of the lojong [mindtraining] teachings—59 slogans distilled by the 12th-century Tibetan master Geshe Chekawa from the writings of Atisha, a 10th-century Indian Buddhist teacher. They are pithy guideposts along the Mahayana path: “Transform all mishaps into the path of Bodhi,” “Regard all dharmas as dreams,” “Be grateful to everyone,” “Don’t seek others’ pain as the limbs of your own happiness,” and “Always maintain a joyful mind.” Throughout our interview he keeps threading back to these slogans, some simple and others arcane. “The basic idea,” he says, as he opens Trungpa’s book, “is that the things that come up, that we’ve labeled negatively—those are real opportunities and gifts for us to wake up.”

Turning pages, Bridges begins, “I just saw the word joy, and I see it’s underlined twice, and I got a star beside it, so let me read this aloud and see if it’s interesting. “As you are dozing off, think of strong determination, that as soon as you wake up in the morning you are going to maintain your practice with continual exertion, which means joy.” We were talking earlier about anxiety, excitement. That’s an exertion of sorts. But you can have that same exertion, but have this joyful attitude. Like I can study my lines for the day because I’m anxious about it, or I can just have fun studying lines. This word joy—another one of the slogans is “Approach all situations with a joyful mind”—I find in my practice joy is a big part of it. My parents were very joyful people. Whenever my father came onto a set to play a part, you got the sense that he really enjoyed being there, and this was going to be a good time. And everyone was just—[raises his arms] raised! When you relax like that, you’re not trying to force your thing onto the thing. You’re just diggin’ it. My mother was the same way. That’s what I aspire to.”

So there’s joy on the one hand—and you mentioned negative things, as an opportunity to wake up. Is this playing out in your acting in True Grit? [Long pause.] It’s difficult to talk about the work, because it’s like a magician talking about how the trick is done.

How about your character, then, the drunken, overweight U.S. Marshal who teams up with a 14-year-old girl to track down her father’s killer? I don’t know if it has anything to do with the lojong thing, but most things do, in a weird way. A bunch of things are popping in my mind. [Pause.] “True grit” means that you’re courageous. The habitual tendency when things get tough is that we protect ourselves, we get hard, we get rigid—[makes a chopping gesture]—Bapbapbapbap. But with this lojong idea, it’s completely topsy-turvy. When we want to get hard and stiff and adamant, that’s the time to soften and see how we might play or dance with the situation. Then everything is workable. In True Grit, my character—all the characters— are that way.

As an actor, fear comes up because I want to do a good job, an enlightened piece of work. You get attached to that, you overwork it, you overthink it. Then you come to the set, and people aren’t saying the lines as you imagined. It’s raining, and its supposed to be sunny. You thought you were invited to a cha-cha party, you’ve learned the steps, and they’re dancing the Viennese waltz! You can spend a lot of energy being upset, or you can get with the program—it’s that right effort thing—get the beauty of the way it is. Even before I was aware of lojong, this was something I applied to my life anyway.

Go read the whole interview.

Tags: Buddhism, anxiety, actors, culture, film, Tricycle, Jeff Bridges, interview, Rooster Cogburn, True Grit, meditation, lojing teachings, Chogyam Trungpa, Thich Nhat Hanh, Walking Meditation, Pema Chödrön, The Big Lebowski, Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving-kindness

Nestor Lopez-Duran PhD - Anxiety in boys and substance use in girls: Paths to major depression in adolescence?

Great article, from the Child Research Psychology Blog.

I think there is a typo in the results section - my guess is that anxiety is a greater predictor in boys than in girls.

Anxiety in boys and substance use in girls: Paths to major depression in adolescence?

Written by Nestor Lopez-Duran PhD on Wednesday, November 4.2009

Recently I finished writing an article with child depression researcher Dr. Maria Kovacs about the concept of prodromal processes in child and adolescent depression. The article should be appearing early next year on a special issue of the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. In that article, we reviewed the extensive literature on the predictors of childhood-onset depression and discuss how symptoms of anxiety may be a signal that a depression process may be underway.

Interestingly, a paper that was just published in the same journal provides more information about this issue, and suggests that the clinical predictors of depression may actually be different for boys and girls.

In this new study, Dr. Catherine Gallerani and colleagues at Vanderbilt University were interested in examining the temporal comorbidity of depression, anxiety, conduct disorder, and substance abuse during adolescence. Specifically, depression during this time period is usually comorbid with other conditions, such as anxiety and substance abuse. Some researchers have examined the temporal relation in the onset of these disorders (what precedes what) which can provide information about which disorders increase the risk for other disorders (this follows the hypothesis that the disorders are separate entities and one makes you more likely to have another), as well which disorder signals an early phase of another disorder (this follows a prodromal view suggesting that some of these disorders may be phases of one another in that, for example, symptoms of anxiety may be an early phase of depression). In the current study, the authors wanted to examine two specific issues: how does the temporal relation between these conditions differ for boys and girls, and whether they differ between adolescents at low or high familial-risk for depression.

The study included 240 adolescents (54% female). 185 had a parent with a history of depression and 55 had parents with no history of psychiatric disorders. These children underwent psychiatric evaluations annually for 5-6 years from 6th to 12th grade.

The results:

1. As expected, children of parents with a history of depression were significantly more likely to develop depression during the study period than children at low-risk for psychopathology. In fact, at-risk children were 12 times more likely to develop depression than their low-risk peers. These at risk children were also more likely to develop anxiety (4 times), conduct disorder (11 times), and substance use disorder (6 times).

2.The temporal relation between the different conditions was affected by the sex of the child. Specifically:

2.A. There was no temporal relation between anxiety and depression for girls. However, for boys, anxiety symptoms more than doubled the risk of developing depression in the future even after controlling for familial risk. That is, across at-risk and low-risk boys, having anxiety predicted the later onset of depression.

2.B. A different pattern was observed for the association between substance abuse and depression. Substance abuse increased the risk for developing depression by 300% among girls but not among boys. Furthermore, the odds that anxiety predicted depression among was 13 times greater for girls than for boys.

Now, what do we mean when we say “increased risk”? Does this mean that anxiety or substance use causes depression? Are we talking about true ‘mechanistic risk’ as when we say that not wearing a seat belt during a car accident increases the risk that you will be seriously injured? Not quite. In the case of the seat belt, we know the mechanism of risk. We know that not using the seat belt makes you more likely to fly through the windshield and get injured. However, in the case of the temporal association between these disorders, “increased risk” is actually a statistical term we use to refer to the possibility of observing an event in the data. For example, when looking at girls, observing a substance use disorder in the data makes us 3 times more likely that we will observe a diagnosis of depression in the same girl in the future. The data themselves do not address the possible mechanisms behind such increased risk, so we don’t quite know why the presence of one (substance use) increases the possibility of seeing the other (depression). One possibility is that indeed one causes the other - so that for example, being anxious makes you ruminate more, which in turn makes you more likely to be depressed. The other possibility is that both are symptoms of a single process, in that being anxious is simply an early symptom - or early phase - of the depression process.

Regardless of the mechanism at play however, the results are pretty compelling showing different temporal associations between these disorders and depression for boys and girls. The results suggest that we should be particularly attentive to symptoms of anxiety among boys, as these signal an increased possibility for future depression. In contrast, substance abuse among girls seems to be highly associated with future depression onset, and thus we should monitor girls that are found to abuse substances during early adolescence.

Gallerani, C., Garber, J., & Martin, N. (2009). The temporal relation between depression and comorbid psychopathology in adolescents at varied risk for depression Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry DOI: 10.1111/j.1469-7610.2009.02155.x

Tags: boys, anxiety, depression, research, psychology, Nestor Lopez-Duran PhD, Anxiety in boys and substance use in girls, Paths to major depression in adolescence?

The "Panic Room" Self

[image source]

This post is a little insight into how my mind works. My hope is that some of you might see some similarities here, or that my female readers might see their partners in this.

When I am confronted with something that seriously shakes my expectations in a negative way (which is, of course, a matter of interpretation), I have a subpersonality (a part of my psyche) that pops up and takes over - I call it the "panic room" self.

Most of you know what a panic room is, but if you don't, here is a description:

A safe room or panic room is a fortified room which is installed in a private residence or business to provide a safe hiding place for the inhabitants in the event of a break-in, home invasion, or other threat. Safe rooms usually contain communications equipment, so that law enforcement authorities can be contacted.

Many of us who have been through hard stuff in our lives have a self inside of us that functions much like a panic room. When we are overwhelmed with a threat of some kind, that part/self emerges to take over and prevent the psyche from being harmed. When we were young and defenseless, this was a healthy adaptation, as adults, not so much.

When my panic room self gets activated, like many men, I withdraw - energetically, emotionally, and often physically. Because this is a widespread issue - in fact, it is often (wrongly) seen as a feature of masculinity - men tend to be seen as incapable of expressing emotion. Or, we tend to be seen, at least in the past, as the strong, silent types. True but partial.

As we increase our awareness, however, we can often see this happening and either tell our partner about what is happening, or at the least assure her/him that it isn't personal. Being able to see these interior selves as objects of awareness rather than be their subjects of experience is an important skill to develop. Being able to make this distinction - and share it with our partners - could go a long way toward saving many relationships that might otherwise fail.

There are two basic ways to develop this skill.

1) Mindfulness and meditation practice. If we can learn to observe our thoughts and feelings as they happen, rather than simply acting them out, we are well on our way to being able to identify and observe the different selves we contain, so that we do not become victims of their maladaptive behaviors.

This video by Thich Nhat Hanh explains basic mindfulness and more:

Buddhist mindfulness techniques can help to bring the mind back to the body so that you are fully present here and now. For sitting meditation, Thich Nhat Hanh describes simple practices of awareness that increase a sense of well being and release tension in the body. He offers walking meditation as a practice that can help you to live deeply every moment of your life, free from the prison of the past and of the future. He gives instruction, too, in addressing pain and anger in your heart and developing a deeper awareness of and appreciation for everyday moments of life: cooking, cleaning, driving, and working in such a way that you feel peaceful, mindful,and happy.

2) Developing an observer self, often through psychotherapy. I've posted this before at IOC, but I'll include it here for those new to my blogs.

An Exercise to Identify the Observer Self

The observer self is that aspect of consciousness which can watch us act like fools and stand back at a safe distance, shaking its head in disbelief. It is capable of observing our behaviors with an even, unattached point of view. The observer can help us see our wounded areas, our habitual patterns, and our inner selves more clearly, without the interference of the ego and its desire to maintain the status quo. The observer self is an invaluable ally in personal growth that can lead us into higher levels of consciousness.

The following exercise, adapted from Roberto Assagioli’s disidentification process in Psychosynthesis and Ken Wilber’s meditations in One Taste, can help us detach from ego-consciousness and step back into the observer self. For each of the steps there is a mantra that some people find quite useful in detaching from each element of the ego-self.

Practicing Detachment

Get into a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down. Take a few deep, centering breaths, allowing the body to relax. Closing the eyes can help focus attention. Feel the air moving in an out of your lungs as you breathe. Become aware of your body, its position, how your limbs feel, where you are holding tension. Become aware of your whole body and all the sensations it experiences. If you are comfortable with mantras, the one for this step is, "I have a body, but I am not my body." Repeat aloud or in your thoughts.

Take three deep cleansing breaths. Now leave your body and move to your emotions. What feelings do you notice? Are you bored, anxious, happy? Notice your current feelings, and then think about the most common feelings in your life. Do not dwell on those feelings -- just recall them and then release them. Mantra: "I have feelings, but I am not my feelings." This mantra works well as a reminder when you are angry or afraid that you are frozen in an emotion.

Take three deep cleansing breaths. Move from your feelings to your desires. Desires are those things that motivate us. We all have many things that motivate our behaviors, such as simplicity, comfort, quiet, money, health, or others. Observe the things that motivate you, but do not judge them. Simply call them up and notice them. Mantra: "I have desires, but I am not my desires."

Take three deep cleansing breaths. Now move to your thoughts. As each thought rises to consciousness, observe it but do not dwell on it. Then watch as the next one rises to replace it, over and over again. This is the state of consciousness most of us experience. However, we often get stuck on a handful of thoughts that return over and over again in our lives. Notice the pattern, but do not hold on to it. Notice the flotsam and jetsam of consciousness, the memories, the ideas, the fears, the opinions, and the ways you tell yourself who you are as a person. Mantra: "I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts." This mantra works in meditation to return a wandering mind to the breath.

Take three deep cleansing breaths. Finally, become aware of that part of you that has been observing your body, your feelings, your desires, and your thoughts. Having detached from the basic elements of consciousness, repeat the mantras: I have a body, but I am not my body; I have feelings, but I am not my feelings; I have desires, but I am not my desires; I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts.

What is the source of your awareness? Who is that self behind all these realms of ego? The self is not an image or a thought, but a deeper essence. The self is at the core of our humanity.

The one who has been watching your sensations, feelings, desires, and thoughts is not the same as the object it observes. WHO IS IT THAT HAS BEEN OBSERVING ALL THESE REALMS? It is your SELF. The Self is not an image or a thought; it is that ESSENCE which has been observing all these realms and yet is distinct from all of them. Mantra: "I am the self, a center of pure consciousness."

Whatever comes into awareness is fine. You are none of those things, so just watch them pass like clouds across a blue sky. "And this witnessing awareness is not itself anything specific you can see. It is just a vast, background sense of Freedom – or pure Emptiness – and in that pure Emptiness, which you are, the entire manifest world arises. You are that Freedom, Openness, Emptiness – and not any itty bitty thing that arises in it" (Ken Wilber, One Taste, 88).

If we can come to this place of mindfulness or develop a strong observer self (both function in very similar ways), we are less likely to end up in the panic room self when confronted with hard stuff, or we'll at least know that it is happening as it happens - and we'll be much more conscious partners in our relationships.

Tags: psychology, fear, anxiety, subpersonalities, panic room, self, parts, mindfulness, observer self, Thich Nhat Hanh, disidentification, detachment, meditation, men, masculinity

Men Lack Confidence in Boardroom and Bedroom

[Beckham makes Brit males feel insecure]

This article from the Guardian UK reveals the results of a disturbing study - men are lacking in confidence in most areas of their lives. Most importantly, these men are feeling insecure with women, unsure of themselves, and unable to measure up to popular images of what women want, such as Sex in the City.

This is a tough time for men. The old ways of behaving are no longer adequate, and there are few guideposts for new ways to be masculine. The study reveals that many men turn to alcohol for a little liquid courage. Having been there, done that, I can promise that this approach does not work and only makes things worse in the end.

This blog exists to help explore these issues and share what other men are learning about how to masculine in a post-manly man world.

Men lack confidence in boardroom and bedroom

Males' self-image withers especially when women are around, survey finds

• Amelia Hill, social affairs correspondent

Men used to have the upper hand when it came to confidence in the boardroom, bedroom and the bar.

But, according to new research, men are struggling with a crisis of confidence, with almost half confessing that they feel anxious most of the time - particularly at work and especially around women.

The majority of almost 2,000 men aged 16 to 65 questioned by OnePoll, an independent market research company, admitted struggling to feel confident about their place in society. About half confessed to feeling most insecure when at work, while another 40 per cent also felt inadequate during nights out with friends.

All those questioned by the survey, commissioned by Braun Smooth Side Challenge, admitted to feeling increasingly emasculated by women and said their feelings of inadequacy soar when women are present.

Most intimately, one in four men revealed they are racked by feelings of inadequacy during sex, saying that film and television programmes like Sex and the City had made them anxious about not having enough stamina and imagination in the bedroom.

'Men are more likely than women to have fragile self-esteem, as they judge their status in society through success in a single sphere, such as their career, the size of their pay packet or the model of their car,' said David Sharpley, of the British Psychological Society. 'These are all subject to a high degree of ambiguity and risk. Because men are generally poor at introspection and communicating their emotions, this uncertainty can cause the collapse of their self-esteem.

'But then, because men tend to bottle their emotions, they instinctively fake the confidence they once felt. This exacerbates the problem many times over, because it makes it harder for men to ask for help or for others to see that they need support.'

Dr John Tomlinson, a former GP and trustee of the Sexual Dysfunction Association, said he was hearing from an 'enormous' number of 18- to 40-year-olds worried about sexual problems. 'Advertising - such as David Beckham's Armani underwear campaign - glamorises the well-toned male body, which men find daunting because they assume it is what women expect,' he said.

More than half of those questioned confessed they had no constructive male role model - instead having to resort to fictional characters such as James Bond or Indiana Jones - and that they wished their 'self-image' was stronger, and more masculine and positive.

But instead of becoming more assured with age, three in four men admitted that their lack of assurance had increased as they got older. The majority of those questioned said they felt most confident when they were between 21 and 30. Just 11 per cent of 40-year-olds and 4.6 per cent of 50-years-olds said they felt more confident now than in their youth.

Respondents also revealed being haunted by the conviction that other men are more confident than they are. Almost half of those questioned believed their boss was more self-assured than they were.

One in three men said they turn to alcohol for Dutch courage to help break the cycle. A surprising one in five had lucky charms, with a third admitting they own 'lucky' jewellery, one in four wearing auspicious socks and one in five putting their faith in lucky pants.

Tags: masculinity, culture, anxiety, self esteem, Men lack confidence, boardroom, bedroom, women, society, media, alcohol