Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Amazon's "Transparent" Normalizes Transgender Lives for a Mainstream Audience

In her review of Transparent, the newish streaming-only series from Amazon Prime, Francine Prose offers an overview of the series's strengths, which are many, and a few minor flaws.

I had heard about the series and wanted to see it, but somehow had missed that it was already available (since February). It's my next binge-watch weekend.

In working with trans clients, my biggest take away has been that their lives have the same basic dramas and struggles as do cisgender people. They know who they are as people, mostly, and being trans is only an issue insofar as others make it an issue.

It seems that Transparent gets that part of it right in this series.

Seeing Our Selves

Francine Prose
New York Review of Books
October 10, 2014

Amazon Studios Amy Landecker and Jeffrey Tambor in a scene from Transparent

After I’d watched all ten half-hour episodes of the first season of Transparent in just two evenings, it occurred to me that, with the exception of Louie, most of the TV series I’d binge-watched—The Wire, Breaking Bad, The Fall, and Spiral, among others—had involved either enormous amounts of violence, ruinous drug addiction, a grisly crime requiring a crack team of British (or French) detectives to solve, or all of the above. So far, Transparent‘s body count is zero, unless we add in the erasure (and the effective demise) of Mort Pfefferman, a retired Los Angeles academic and political scientist who, in late middle age, comes out to his three grown children as Maura, the woman he truly is and always was. Its tone is wistfully comic; its suspense—how will the kids react to the fact that Dad, or, as they begin to call him, Moppa, is shopping at the mall in make-up and a dress?—is tempered and low-key. And yet I finished each installment eager to spend more time with the Pfeffermans, whose individual and collective predicaments, and whose familial relationships, seem at once entirely unique and universal.

Since the series became available to Amazon Prime subscribers this fall (the first episode appeared in February), the show has received a great deal of popular attention; the series has already been renewed for a second season. It’s a somewhat unlikely hit, given its lack of dramatic action (a euphemism for bloodshed), its vaguely melancholic register, and the extent to which all of its principal characters seem isolated, rudderless, and lost. Above all is the unlikely fact that it has, at its center, the balding, ponytailed, thickset Mort/Maura, not exactly a wildly attractive exemplar of either gender. One can imagine a generation seeing their experience mirrored (or not) in the HBO series Girls, but most viewers, I’d assume, might hesitate to identify with the sympathetic, appealing, but troubled and maddeningly solipsistic Pfeffermans.

Part of what makes the series so engaging is the pleasure of seeing what gifted actors can do when they are provided with scripts and direction that allow them to create highly complex, interesting characters, as fully nuanced and contradictory as actual human beings. Gaby Hoffmann delivers a typically fearless, even reckless performance as the youngest sibling, Ali, a lost soul blessed and cursed with an excruciatingly high concentration of generosity, desperation, decency, human kindness—and weirdness. Hoffmann’s intensity injects humor and pathos into scenes (including one in which Ali tries and fails miserably to enlist two male bodybuilder roommates in a mini-orgy) that might otherwise remain mocking burlesques. Jay Duplass brings a persuasive mixture of surface charm and deep anxiety to his portrayal of Josh, a successful music producer whose natural confidence and cultivated hipness belie a longing to love and be loved, to understand and transcend the damage done by his longstanding affair with Rita, the family babysitter with whom he began a sexual relationship when he was fifteen. And Amy Landecker is equally convincing as Sarah, whose readiness to torpedo her “perfect” life, to leave her children and her rich husband and reconnect with her college girlfriend seems motivated partly by exhaustion and impatience with the compulsory niceness and the custodial responsibilities of being an older sister.

All three actors deftly convey the wide range of emotions and behaviors that go along with being a sibling: the inside jokes, the familiarity, the affection, the knowledge of how to irritate and comfort one another (there’s a moving scene in which Ali, having just heard that Josh’s girlfriend has had an abortion, cajoles him into joining her in a sweet, awkward dance), and the puppy-like competition for sustenance and parental attention. For the Pfeffermans, this rivalry is exacerbated by Mort’s habit—a tic that survives his transition to Maura—of telling each of his children something (mostly having to do with money) and making them promise not to tell the others.

The supporting cast is similarly virtuosic. As Mort’s ex-wife Shelly, Judith Light communicates the sharpness and the resilience of a quick-witted, soft-hearted woman slightly hardened and concealed beneath the persona of the daffy grand-dame she’s developed for self-protection. Katherine Hahn enters the series, partway through, as Raquel, a compassionate, intelligent, and (why should this surprise us?) sexy rabbi whom we want to warn against getting involved with Josh even as we are fervently hoping that their romance might work out. And Carrie Brownstein, as Ali’s best friend Syd, persuades us—along with Ali—that she genuinely believes there is nothing wrong in having and concealing a casual affair with Ali’s brother.

But ultimately everything turns on Jeffrey Tambor’s stellar turn as Maura, whose thrilled, tentative forays into femininity excite our protectiveness even as her failings as a parent become increasingly clear. As Maura edges, step by step, into her new life, her terror of the unknown is mediated by a girlish delight in the exterior trappings of womanhood; in one scene, we witness her near ecstatic introduction to the rituals of the department-store cosmetics counter.

Amazon Studios A scene from Transparent

As we come to realize, the Pfeffermans’ problems go beyond gender confusion and a familial predilection for secrecy. The question they can’t seem to answer is a more basic and common one: How much should—and can—each individual give up for the good of others? Transparent floats the radical idea (which we may have observed on our own) that love, real love, can coexist with crippling selfishness and self-involvement. In the first episode, when Mort tries and fails to tell his kids about his decision, and they cannot or will not hear him, he says that he cannot believe he raised three people so unable to see beyond themselves. But the more we learn about Mort and Shelly, the more we’re inclined to think that self-centeredness may be an inherited trait. When her kids arrive at her apartment, bringing her favorite take-out, Shelly exclaims, “Look how much my children love me!” And there’s a scathing flashback in which Mort is so eager to attend a rural retreat where he will be able to dress as Maura that he accedes with appalling haste to thirteen-year-old Ali’s semi-serious child’s suggestion that her parents cancel her bat mitzvah.

Created by writer/director Jill Soloway, whose own father became a woman late in life, the show is especially sensitive to (and informative about) issues of gender. When Sarah tries to prevent Ali from “outing” their father to Josh, who has not yet been told the startling news, and when she informs her siblings that the correct term for Moppa is “trans,” her lines seem as if they might have been suggested or influenced by one of the many trans crew members who were hired to work on the series. When Maura is ejected from a ladies’ room at the mall by outraged strangers, it reminds us that (as a recent New Yorker article explained) public bathrooms and all-female music festivals have become the new battlegrounds in the war between feminists and male-to-female transsexuals over what it means to be a woman.

Watching Mort turn into Maura—figuring out how to walk and talk, how to tilt her head and fiddle with her hair—makes us think again about how much of our behavior is hormonally determined and how much is learned and practiced: how much is theater. Tambor’s transformation recalls Felicity Huffman’s extraordinary performance as Bree, the male-to female heroine of the 2005 road-trip film TransAmerica. What a challenge and how much fun it must be for actors to impersonate characters who must learn to impersonate someone else, someone whom they have long recognized as their true self.

The series gets so much right that when it doesn’t, we notice. Perhaps its most implausible aspect is the response (or lack of response) of Sarah’s two young children to the fact that Mom has left Dad for Tammy. Watching Sarah and her offspring, one might conclude that the most critical qualifications for parenthood are the ability to pick up one’s children after school on time, and a knack for arranging entertaining play-dates. The children seem to vanish, rather conveniently, from Sarah’s consciousness, reappearing only when necessary; when, for example, we are invited to observe their response to Grandpa’s new wardrobe and hairstyle. And at times one can’t help wishing that the writers would search the script for “secret” and “family secret” and delete all the results; surely most viewers are savvy enough to understand how much concealment has hurt the family without the frequent promptings, which tend to flatten out, rather than deepen or illuminate, our sense of who these people are.

But these hesitations and criticisms are minor. Despite one’s reservations about Amazon and its dark plans for writers and publishers, we can be thankful that Transparent exists. What a joy and a relief it is to be drawn into a mystery—the mystery of character, the mystery of gender, the mystery of family love—that is so far beyond the provenance and the expertise of the crime-scene squad and the forensic pathologists.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Being Gay in Iran - Coming Out in a Country Where That Can Get You Killed

From The Stranger, Seattle's real alternative weekly, this is a tender and harrowing first-person account of coming out and being outed in Iran, a country where being gay can get you killed.

Being Gay in Iran

Coming Out in a Country Where That Can Get You Killed, and the TV Documentary That Outed Me to the World

by Farhad Dolatizadeh
May 28, 2014
Photos by Ethan Folk


I RAN FROM IRAN - And found myself in this town in Turkey, where I didn’t know a soul. I was one of the lucky ones.

I'm 16.


"May I ask you something personal?"

I know what's coming.

I look at my aunt as she takes her time to assemble the correct words. She is a tiny, sweet woman wearing a loosely draped head scarf, staring at me with shining dark-brown eyes. I love her more dearly than anything in the world. Of course I will tell her the truth. I can't think of a reason to hide from her. It isn't as if she might murder me or run around spreading my secret. She's not one of those closed-minded, brainwashed people who would automatically judge me. She spent most of her life outside of Iran, living and working as an architect in Norway and Germany. If there is anyone out there who would understand me, it's her.

"Are you gay, Feri Kitty?" she asks.

My name is Farhad, but since I was little, my aunt has affectionately called me Feri Kitty, referring to my soft spot for kittens.

"You call me Feri Kitty and expect me to be who? Robocop?" I snap. The bitch inside me has been growing day by day.

She just gazes at me. Eventually she smiles and wraps me in her arms. "It's okay. There's no need to be aggressive... everything is going to be okay."

I weep into her shoulder and can't respond.

This is my first coming out.


I'm 17.


I'm lying on my bed, waiting for sleep to take me, when my brother stirs. He and I are sharing a room, and his bed is only a few meters away. He is four years older than I am, but I have always regarded myself as the more mature one.

It's been six months since the conversation with my aunt.

I can't make out my brother's features, but I hear his voice, husky from sleep: "Farhad, who is this new guy you are hanging out with so much? He seems older than you! Is he from your school?"

I am silent for a beat. "You mean Darius?"

"Yes."

"Yep. He's my friend. Nope. Not from school," I say, trying my best to indicate that I am on the verge of sleep and the conversation is over.

But he barges on: "Where do you know him from, then?"

"Why do you care, you dumbass? Go bug your girlfriend and leave my life to me," I say in my mind. But to my brother, I say: "I met him at a cafe."

Another pause, and then, without a trace of emotion, my brother says: "He is handsome. Is he your boyfriend?"

I am shocked. Is this really my brother? Has he been possessed by some kind of demon? I quickly assess that, although he is not the smartest or even the most open-minded person in the world, he is a good brother, and he has always been there when I've needed him. I can trust him with the truth.

I still can't see his face in the dark, so I'm unable to catch his reaction when I reply, "Yes. He is."

Another heavy pause.

"So, does that mean that you are gay?"

Whoa. "Gay"? Really? I am shocked that he has used the English term. I thought that my brother, like most Iranians, would know only the slang term "sissy." Maybe he's not as stupid as I thought.

"Yes?" I blurt, stunned.

I wait for him to respond, but nothing comes. I can't believe it—he just rolls over and goes back to sleep. For fuck's sake, you just found out that your younger brother is gay! You can't just nod off and leave it like that! You should say something, you need to say something!

What a dumbass.

Five minutes later, I hear another rustle and see his silhouette shift as he turns back to me.

"Farhad, does that mean that I'm not going to be an uncle?"

Is he trying to act cool? Is that really his primary concern? "I... really don't know. Maybe someday?"

"Okay," he says, and goes quiet again, leaving me with a head full of racing thoughts.


I'm 18.


I'm sitting in the car with my dad. We are driving to his factory, when he suddenly asks, "Have you decided what you are going to do about your military service?"

"I'm not going," I say, trying to avoid his searching look.

"But every single man must go into the military, unless they can prove some handicap..."

My father is in his 40s and has worked hard all his life. I see the deep lines of experience on his face. Maybe this evidence of wisdom is why I feel so ready to expose myself to him. I don't know. But I have a feeling that he will accept me.

"I know the rules, Father. I'm not going. I can't go because of the rule prohibiting homosexuals from serving in the military," I say. Despite my determination, I am unable to keep my voice completely stable.

"But... are you gay?" he says, eyes fixed straight ahead—on the road.

"Yes," I reply. This time, with confidence.

The car fills with silence. After listening to my heart pound and the sounds of the road, I find the courage to say, "Well... aren't you going to say anything?"

Still staring at the road, my father begins to speak. "We are not stupid, Farhad. We are your parents. I knew the moment I laid eyes on you. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew."

Perhaps I have misjudged my father. I feel my mouth go dry and I begin to choke up.

"Farhad, I didn't want to believe it, not because I'm ashamed, but because I know how hard it is for homosexuals in this country. I don't want my baby boy to be killed by the government just because of his sexual preference. I want the best life for you. I want to send you away. To a safer country. To somewhere no one can hurt you because of the kind of person you love."

As afraid as I am, I understand him completely. I am overwhelmed by feelings of relief and love. I am so fortunate to have such a father, but feel so cursed to know that I will eventually be banished from my homeland. I'll have to leave Iran eventually. No gay is safe in this country. I heard this from my aunt, years ago, and now I've heard it from my father. I know his intentions are good.

I don't want to break down in front of my father, so I simply smile and try to keep it lighthearted. "Let's just deal with the military duty first."

He returns my smile, and it lingers as he turns his attention back to the road.

"Thank you for loving me, Dad."

"Always, Son. Always."


I'm 20.


Of course, my father is the one to open the discussion with my mother. He knows exactly how to reason with her, and after three days of tears and talking, she manages to calm down.

In many ways, my mom is my best friend now. I can tell her anything. She loves my boyfriend, Darius, and she is constantly urging me to bring him home for dinner with the family. She is still squeamish about the topic of sex, but I think this is normal for mothers regardless of their son's orientation.

I'm sitting in the living room with Darius, and the house is empty. I'm kissing him, as I do whenever we have the luxury of being alone together. We are in love, and in these moments, I feel absolute bliss and comfort.

I am thinking about the flavor of his mouth, when the ringing of the telephone pulls me out of the moment.

I reluctantly break away and answer. I recognize my cousin's familiar voice, but I can tell immediately that something is very, very wrong.

"Farhad. I saw you on the TV," he declares. Coldly.

What? TV? My mind races, but I cannot imagine what he could be referring to. Before I can respond or even question him, he says, "I know what you are. I know what you are and I don't want to see you anymore."

The line clicks dead.

I'm frozen. I am unable to speak, and Darius grows worried as my face turns pale. I fumble for the remote control, and the TV comes to life. I flip through the channels until I find something unusual. They are showing a documentary about gay people in Iran and letting people around the world know how hard and dangerous it is for gays in this country. The film was made by a Canadian television channel, and it sure seems like they care a lot about the well-being of gays in Iran.

Darius and I are shocked that a documentary on such a subject is being aired. Now some people are talking about their problems in front of the camera, but their faces are blurred. It is interesting, I suppose, but what does it have to do with me? In less than a minute, I have my answer. I begin to feel dread when the camera pans across a restaurant I know well. It is the spot where gay people in Tehran gather every Tuesday. Where I go most Tuesdays. Now the camera is inside the restaurant, and they are showing us. They are showing our faces. They are showing my face. It is obviously shot with a concealed camera. A long lens, zoomed in—my face filling the screen for several seconds. Casually chatting, completely unaware. They are even sure to identify the restaurant by name. And we don't know we are being filmed. How nice of them: They want to let the world know how miserable gay people are in Iran and how the government kills them because of their orientation, and they come to our community and expose us to everyone? To the hateful government? To our neighbors, friends, and families?

I watch the film until the end. My face was clearly shown, yet I had no clue of the film's existence until a few minutes ago. I'm shocked. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. Darius and I sit speechless. According to the documentary, the producers got "group consent," but I never consented to this.

I pick the phone up and call my aunt in Norway. She answers, and I blurt out, "Auntie, I just came out to the world..."


A window display IN ANKARA Where I lived as a refugee after a TV documentary aired undercover footage of my face.


I'm 24.


I've been in Ankara, Turkey, for three months now, and I sit in a small, nearly empty concrete room. Across from me sits a blue-eyed man with slicked-back ginger hair and a bright beard. The table in front of me is bare except for a computer and some loose notes. I can't shake the impression that the man is some sort of church official—a pastor, perhaps. In reality, he is a representative of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), who handles amnesty requests. I prefer not to go into detail so that other refugees who are going to leave Iran won't face any extra problems, but I have escaped from Iran.

"How do you feel when you see yourself in that documentary?" he asks.

Angry. Upset. Desperate.

Angry at all of the people who mocked me and looked down on me. Angry at the president, who went on national television and stated that there were no homosexuals in Iran. Angry at the TV channel that wasted an opportunity to put the spotlight on a reprehensible government, and instead put the spotlight on people like me. Angry at the idiocy that allowed them to describe how Iranian gays are facing execution, and in the next moment broadcast images of dozens of closeted homosexuals. Angry at the hurry, the oversight, the ignorance—whatever allowed such an obvious and dangerous mistake to happen. I was angry at God, to create me as I was—a gay man in a country that did not accept me.

And yes, upset. Upset about the blind submission of millions to an intolerant brand of religion that states that homosexuality is an unforgivable sin. Upset about the hypocrisy and inconsistent interpretations of Islam. Upset about the Iranian parents who have murdered their children just for being gay. Upset and confused by a society in which murdering your own child is less of a crime than loving someone.

And yes, desperate. Desperate to be loved again by the ones who decided I was inhuman once they discovered that I was gay. Desperate to get far away from the situation that had developed since the airing of the documentary. Desperate to get back the four years of my life spent defending myself from hatred and mockery, perpetually in fear of the government. Desperate to find shelter. To find a safe place. A place where I needn't fear for my life. I lived for four years in Iran after that documentary aired, four years of living in protective mode: I didn't go to that restaurant anymore, I lost friends, I was forced to leave university, and I had to begin a new life with people who didn't know me. Finally, I had an opportunity to flee to Turkey, and I took it.

So yes, I am angry and upset and desperate. I look at the guy in front of me. He seems to be a nice guy. He is working for UNHCR. I can trust him. He is smiling at me and waiting for my answer. I try my best to give him an answer, but I burst into tears instead.

He doesn't reply. He nods and taps a few notes into his keyboard. I try to stifle my tears and give him an answer. Then I think about all of the other refugees in Turkey. About their miserable lives. How they are relegated to small villages, which they cannot leave. How they aren't allowed to work and have no legal means to support themselves. They have no identity and no nationality. They are just beings—walking around, waiting for their time to come, waiting to know their destiny. Just like me.

Then I think about the others in the documentary who weren't even able to escape as far as Turkey.

And I burst into tears again.


NOT SO WELCOME - The UN pondered my application for amnesty for two years, and Canada took another year to decide after that.


I'm 27.


I'm in my room. My last roommate moved out five months ago, so the house is silent. His asylum request to the US was granted, but I remain here in our small house. I sit on my bed, staring at my computer screen and trying to pass the time.

It's been almost three years since I filed for asylum, and I'm still here in the Turkish village. I'm terribly depressed. I feel lonely and unspeakably weary from constant harassment. The villagers look at me like some sort of strange, alien object. The police have accused me of being HIV-positive and demanded that I submit to blood tests. I knew this was an illegal request, and when I refused, they told me to stay away from people, and that I was a threat to the community. At our weekly "check-in" today, the police officer wouldn't even let me in his room. He told me that he wouldn't shake my hand because he is scared of contracting AIDS.

I miss so many of the friends that I've made in these three years. I've met many other refugees from Iran and seen them all come and go—off to their new, safe homes. But I remain. Alone. Does anyone think of me? Does the UNHCR or the Canadian embassy know what my life is like in here? How can they expect me to survive in a place where I'm not even allowed to work for three years? Don't they feel some sort of responsibility for me, since it was a Canadian television company that made the documentary? Once the UN finally completed the two-year processing of my application, why has it taken the Canadian embassy an additional year to decide if I deserve to live in their country? Why, when every other case has been decided in a matter of months? I wonder what I have done wrong to deserve this.

I have thought of suicide. I have thought of different ways to end this miserable waiting. But there is a hope in the name "Canada"—it conjures imagery in my mind that is both vivid and uncertain. A better life. Freedom. Safety in a distant northern land.

But I am tired. I'm so tired of waiting for their call. I am sick of the endless, numbing disappointment. It's simply not fair.

Then my cell phone rings.

"Hello. Am I speaking to Farhad?" asks the voice from the other end.

"Yes, I am Farhad!" I rush to spit out the words. No matter how many times the phone has rung, or the mail has arrived, or I have felt hope—I still can't suppress the thrill when I think something is about to happen. No matter how many times that hope has been crushed or I have been disappointed, I still can't completely eliminate the excitement. I am aware of all of this as I state my name. My hope begins to fade as the line is briefly silent. I prepare myself for the letdown—I've gotten good at this.

Then the voice says, "Hi, Farhad. This is Mr. [redacted] from the Canadian embassy. Are you available tomorrow to come to the embassy? We will need your passport to issue you the visa."

~ Farhad Dolatizadeh's name has been changed to protect his identity. He is now living safely in Canada.

Monday, February 3, 2014

JJ Vincent - Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Family, Brotherhood, and Themselves

From the Good Men Project, this is a "review" (more like a preview) of a book due out later this year,
Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Brotherhood, Family & Themselves (pre-order now from Transgress Press for $20.00, $3.00 off of the anticipated cover price).


This seems to be an interesting book - it's a topic that I have researched and studied myself, so I have an interest in this material beyond the work I have done with trans men.

Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Family, Brotherhood, and Themselves

February 2, 2014 by JJ Vincent

Manning Up: Transexual Men Talk

A new book brings together a diverse range of trans*male voices to share their stories of how they became the men that they are.


Manning Up is not the first anthology of trans*men’s stories, but it may be the most diverse and wide-ranging.

Let’s start with the title, Manning Up. It’s usually a phrase that makes us cringe, associated with someone telling us that we are not living up to some masculine ideal. The editors, Zander Keig and Mitch Kellaway, have given “manning up” a new definition, using it as a phrase to describe the process of someone becoming the man they know themselves to be. In his foreword, transman, activist, and author Jamison Green writes:

As the men included in this collection attest, being a man involves knowing who you are and how you fit into the world of men. No man gains this knowledge automatically. It is a process for each of us, regardless of race, class, or age. The men who share pieces of their stories in these pages are in varying stages of this process. Their diverse backgrounds, ages, and racial heritage illuminate their journeys, and their histories of physical and socio-cultural obstacles enrich their appreciation of the nuances involved in taking their places among the men in their spheres, as well as redefining their relationships with women.
Each of the writers approaches masculinity from a different perspective. Some grew up doing “boy” activism others were pushed along traditionally female paths. Some are open and out, others choose to live with minimal disclosure of the lives they formerly led. Some transitioned early in life, with the full support of their families. One man was 54. These men are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, none of the above, gay, straight, poly, single, married. They are as varied as men anywhere.

One unifying theme in all of these stories, what makes them so compelling, is that each of them always knew, on some level, that they were not women, regardless of they physical characteristics they were born with or the social labels placed on them. Another is love-love of self, love of others-and how their transitions allowed them to experience this in new ways. What makes each one distinct, though, is what they believed a man was, how that view was shaped over time, and how they embraced or rejected that in their own lives.
 

One reviewer writes:
What is most subversive about the book, is that the stories present a poignant image of familial acceptance — something that many trans narratives still tend to shy away from. We hear from men whose masculinity is shaped by intimate interactions with fathers, brothers, colleagues, and even lovers.

Manning Up shows the complexity and beauty of transition that is not only unique to the trans male experience but with its underlying theme of love, it is a book that is relatable to all genders.

~ Kortney Ryan Ziegler, Oakland-based award-winning artist and writer
It is the distinct tone of each story that gives this book its strength, separates it from “coming out” books, and makes it accessible and compelling to anyone, not just people in the GLBT community. There is no one type of man; there is no one type of masculinity, or one transition narrative. Another reviewer says:
The genius of Manning Up is its ability to include, indeed its insistence on, multiple narratives and experiences and, thus, the creation of many new histories. These essays are a necessary antidote to today’s pervasive and crushing limited scope of “acceptable” (hyper) masculinities. These first person, deeply reflective and wondrously diverse narratives broaden the range of what is possible for trans and cis men alike. An important addition to masculinity studies by men with vitally human perspectives.

~ tc tolbert, co-editor of Troubling the Line: Trans and Genderqueer Poetry and Poetics
Manning Up contains a total of 29 stories divided into four sections: Manning Up, Family Man, Men Like Me, and New Territories.

I’m not going to lie to you and say this is a book of quick and easy reads, of short essays about being a man in modern society. There are pieces in here that will challenge you. There are pieces that are poetic and lyrical and others that are forceful and in-your-face. They are not all uplifting, with pat endings, starring the characters that popular media has taught us to expect in the stories of trans*people.

But they are worth your time. One writer writes about the most honest performance he has ever given, a true autobiography on stage-and how it is rewarded with praise for his acting ability. Another speaks of his comfort and discomfort of being unquestioningly accepted into the crude sexual joking/male bonding of his much-younger coworkers. In one deeply thought-provoking piece, the writer speaks about being a “new black man”, now subject to the presumption and racism that go with that.

Being a man, becoming a man, regardless of the path you take to get there, does not automatically confer privilege or erase your past experiences. But these stories, by established writers and new voices, will give you a new perspective on what it means to be one.

Photo by Wolfgang

Monday, July 22, 2013

Mark Warren - The Father You Choose (from Esquire)

This is an outstanding piece of writing on one man's discovery of his father . . . after his father had passed away. I say no more than that . . . it's worth your time to read this, both for the father-son story and for the history of the men (and women) who survived WWII. There is also a great subtext in here about what it meant to be a man in 1940s Germany.

The Father You Choose

It wasn't until I met the woman who would become my wife that I met the man who would become my father


By Mark Warren


Published in the August 2013 issue of Esquire



Dieter lay in there somewhere, peacefully turning yellow and gray, his troubles over.

An hour before, the phone had rung. It was Princeton hospital. My mother-in-law was on the line, her voice ragged. She quickly handed the phone to the attending doctor, who told me that my father-in-law was septic, his body run through with infection, that he was having trouble breathing, and without intubation he would die momentarily. "What do you want to do?" the doctor asked me, her voice taut. As my wife, Jessica, and I quickly talked through the options with the doctor, Dieter's heart stopped. "Oh...oh...his heart just stopped," she said. "I'm...I'm sorry."

It is what he would have wanted, for although he'd been an American citizen for decades, he was still German enough to have no patience for the manic clinging to life that happens here, as if the mere beating of a heart made for a life. All the frenzy at the end seemed to him so foolish and undignified. He was a scientist. He wasn't religious. People die. Let them die.

But he wasn't supposed to die yet. He was too needed, too vital at a youthful eighty-two. Jessica was shattered at the suddenness of it all, and so was I. Things hadn't gone so well with my own father, but in life, things happen twice if you're lucky. There's the father you get and the father you choose. When I met Die ter, I understood what I had been missing all those years. I guess you might say that I got to know a father's love for the first time at age thirty. I liked it quite a lot.

It was a Sunday, the last day of September, 2012. We parked under a tree at the hospital, left the dog in the car with all the windows cracked, stretched for a moment from the drive, wiped our faces of the dried tears, and then began the hard walk inside. I tried to make a joke, and we went slowly, as if maybe if we didn't see what waited for us inside, it wouldn't be real. Our son, Zeke, who would turn thirteen in a week, walked with us, still in his soccer clothes from that morning. Zeke plays in goal, and had made three spectacular saves in the day's game. His Opa, who had been everything to him, would have been very proud. I stopped, faced him, put my hands on his shoulders. "Zeke, you don't have to do this," I said. "It might be scary."

"I want to," he said, his face hard. He turned back toward the emergency-room entrance and kept walking. We couldn't be too slow if we wanted to see him before they came and took him away for good. I was very proud of Zeke for braving the unknown like this, but I was a little worried, too. My father had died less than a year before, but he had been an abstract figure to my kids, quite old for all of their lives, quite infirm, rendered opaque by a stroke. But Dieter was the best storyteller in the world, the builder of epic sand castles, expert chess teacher, passionate tennis and soccer fan, fearless guide on many forest adventures and snorkeling expeditions, tender of the goose every Christmas, knew all the birds in the sky. A kind, patient, funny man. Slow to anger, slow to judge. Brilliant smile. Opa was dead.

Nothing of this size had ever happened to Zeke. Nothing had ever been this final before. I tried to explain that it was death that made love possible, that if things lasted forever, then nothing would be as beautiful or meaningful or good. It was a moment that called for fatherly consolation, but to me it just came out sounding like bullshit. This didn't make any more sense to me than it did to Zeke. Instead, I just wanted to cry.

By the time I was my son's age, my brothers and I had been dragged to what seemed like thousands of funerals and death scenes. It's one of the liabilities of having a large family and no money. We never went on vacation, we went to open-casket funerals instead, all horrifying, all accompanied by operatic grief. To see the adults in your life losing their shit was perhaps even more terrifying than being forced to reach up and touch the scaly embalmed hands of grandparents, uncles, aunts, and family friends, which, from my earliest memory, is what we did in my family. I learned the word formaldehyde and what it was used for early on. Luxuriating in death is, or at least was, the southern way. When I was six, a much older cousin, Sara Lee was her name, died or killed herself (I was never quite sure) with a drug overdose in Biloxi, and my parents tossed me in the car and we went. I remember that on the drive from Texas to Mississippi, the radio was full of news that Judy Garland had done the very same thing to herself, on the very same day, and so it seemed to me that bodies were everywhere, and from then on, when I would conjure a picture of Sara Lee in my mind, she would come up as Judy Garland. Nobody back then thought much about having six-year-olds around fresh corpses. No one was to be spared, I guess was the thinking. (Or maybe, more generously, no one was to be excluded.) And as if to be sure that this point was thoroughly made, I got to sleep in Sara Lee's bed on that trip to Biloxi. I remember staring at the ceiling for three straight nights as the wind blew the magnolia shadows back and forth across it.

I didn't want Zeke's last memory of Dieter to be so gothic and terrifying. But then suddenly we were signing in at the front desk and making our way past the nurses' station, where life seemed so very normal. A nurse was eating lunch and casually talking on the phone. People were laughing. Didn't they know what had just happened here? Didn't they realize what a life had just finished?

We met my mother-in-law, Christa, outside Dieter's room. Her shoulders slumped when she saw us, as if she had been holding her breath for a long time. "He looks so beautiful," she said.

And then, there he was.

His skin was smooth and cool as Jessica and I touched him and talked to him. His face was placid. I became aware of a sound I wasn't used to hearing, something between a cry and a wail, and realized it was coming from me. I turned to look for Zeke and saw that he was pressed into the back corner of the small adjoining bathroom, his back turned toward us, as far away as he could get without leaving the room altogether.

Dieter at age seventy-five in Marathon, Texas, and above in 2011, a year before his death.




February 21, 1942

My dear little Dieter,

You too will have earned your own letter as payment for your own long and detailed letter. Although mine won't be as long because I'm so exhausted from today's battalion exercises. Imagine, I wake up every day at 6 am!! Then outside of my room my mount is waiting for me to finish my coffee. I wait for a gigantic crane to pull up and I am attached to a hook and am slowly but surely lifted onto my horse. The stable boy stands at his head and spins the propeller, and soon I am zooming all over the place like a crazy monkey. The whole thing looks like a speeding motorboat, and the snow flies to the sides like in a giant wake. This is how it goes in this godforsaken place until I come upon my company walking in the woods. Naturally, from afar I look like the big bad enemy and the company runs into the woods so as not to be discovered. They are of course horribly afraid of me because I can yell very loud and often run around like a wounded goat-monkey (your mother knows this animal). After I've screamed the whole afternoon away, I turn around and zoom in the same way back to the encampment — in the afternoon I walk over to the barracks and watch them do their studies and do my own work. In between I direct the paper war on my desk, which means that it's far more exhausting than any real war. That's how one day follows another, and every night I discover that my bed is the nicest place of all.


I hear that you are pale and look small and are often tired. Naturally this can't stay like this, you hear me? You have to get more fresh air, instead of always reading. You can't neglect and misuse your body. You'll pay for it later. So be good and live healthily!! Lots of kisses and hugs from your Vati


The soldier was worried about his son. He had been away at war for much of the previous three years, and parenting from the front is rather hard to do. This letter to the boy came from East Prussia, in what is now Poland. Dieter's father, a battalion commander in the German army, wrote home to Berlin every couple of days, full of worry about his oldest son, whom he considered to be too soft. He kept with him a picture of the skinny boy in his lederhosen, beaming with his mother, as evidence that Dieter wasn't developing as he should. All head, no body. But there was only so much he could do, as he had eighteen hundred men under his command and would soon be marching across Belarus into Russia.

His letters home show him to have been whimsical and clever, as well as a fierce German nationalist who viewed the English and French as the enemy and was eager that the German push for the oil of the Caucasus and the breadbasket of the Ukraine be successful. An economist at the Humboldt University in Berlin, Hans Weigmann had lied about his age to join the army at sixteen during World War I and had been held as a French prisoner of war until well after the armistice, an internment that killed thousands of Germans and almost killed him. He would be sickly for the rest of his life from the starvation and forced labor he experienced during that period. But as a veteran and a reservist, Dieter's father was, by the time of Hitler's war, an officer, first serving at the Maginot Line, commanding a heavy-machine-gun company of 150 men, before being asked to join the regimental staff as an adjutant, with the rank of captain. France fell quickly, and his division was moved to eastern Poland as an occupation force. He would spend the next couple of years going back and forth between home in Berlin and Poland, where his unit would prepare for its part in Operation Barbarossa, the invasion of Russia.

Dieter, aged eleven, with his mother in Zakopane, Poland, 1941.

It was from there that he wrote his son, who at twelve had become the man of the house, and his father was certain that he was not up to the task. He spent too much time reading, he spent too much time on the toilet, he wasn't properly tough.

His father, Hans, a captain in the German army, disappeared on the Eastern front in 1944.

Like all boys, Dieter joined the Jungvolk — Hitler Youth — in February 1940, the month after his tenth birthday. And it was only after he excelled and was promoted over the next few years — first to Jungenschaftsführer, then Hordenführer, and finally, on April 20, 1943, Hitler's birthday, to Oberhordenführer — that his father began to recognize the change in his son. In a letter to Dieter's sister, Nati, he allowed himself to imagine the proud moment when he, Hans, would walk through Berlin with Nati on one arm and Dieter, in full Oberhordenführer uniform, on the other.

And it is the uniform that Dieter liked most of all, with its kerchief and its braids, its belt with a knife holder and big buckle, its jagged Siegrune on the armband. Having been born in 1930, Dieter had spent virtually his entire life in Hitler's highly militarized state. In a family book, there is a picture taken in 1934, when he was four. In it, he is in full uniform, saluting, and the caption reads "Soldier Dieter." The biggest disappointment of his life as a young man was that he was too young to join the navy, because it was the naval uniforms that he favored most.

Schooling during these years was irregular. At one point, because of the bombing, Dieter's entire school, students and teachers, left Berlin for Zakopane, in the high Tatra Mountains of Poland, to a school housed in a former tuberculosis sanitorium. The boys would leave there at the start of the Russia campaign for another school in Slovakia, and all schools would close for good in the summer of 1943.

Dieter's family moved around much during these years as well, to escape the enveloping war. With his father gone, Dieter was responsible for moving his sister, mother, and younger brother everywhere they went. Each place they moved would be destroyed in turn. Staying with relatives in Wels, Austria, during an allied air raid, Dieter went on the front porch to watch the bombing and was blown down the stairs into the cellar of the house they were living in. The jolt saved his life, as seconds later the concussion bomb was followed by an incendiary bomb.

Since Dieter's schooling had been interrupted, in Wels his mother hired a Latin tutor for him. The man was so dirty and smelly that Die ter could hardly stand to be around him. And he had fleas. Dieter would come home itching and complaining about the man, but his mother didn't believe him. She went to see for herself, and also came home with fleas. It wasn't until after the war that they realized that the tutor's filth was a ruse to make him seem crazy and keep him out of the fighting.

It was also in Wels that Dieter witnessed his first atrocity. Late in the war, he and his family were living in an apartment house in the town center when a column of Nazi soldiers made its way down the main street, marching Jews westward through the town, from one of the camps the Nazis were evacuating in the east. From the high window of their apartment, the family's housekeeper tossed a loaf of bread down to the street for the prisoners. As Dieter watched, the procession stopped, entered the building, brought the housekeeper downstairs, and executed her on the spot.

In 1944, at age fourteen, Dieter was conscripted into the German army, first as a runner conveying messages between units. During air raids he would dive into craters for cover, next to soldiers deliriously praying the rosary. His next assignment was in a machine-gun unit of the Bavarian ski patrol. As the Americans advanced after D-day, they came upon Dieter's unit and sent a note into the Alps, ordering the boys to surrender. They did, and were set loose to walk home. Along the way, Dieter encountered German soldiers separated from their units, who were taking off their uniforms. They moved through the woods like ghosts. Run, they told him. Disappear. It's over. Arriving back in Wels, Dieter was immediately compelled to reenlist with a group of bitter-enders, who vowed never to stop fighting for the fatherland. But Dieter's mother had had enough. She went and retrieved Dieter from this group, telling the commandant, You have my husband, I need my son.

The irony is that Hans's war might have been over, too, but for a fateful decision. In early 1944, he had returned home from Russia to convalesce from pneumonia. He could have stayed with his family and considered his service completed, but he felt an obligation to the men under his command to return to the front, which he did in the spring. By this time, the German front in the east was collapsing, the Nazis were in full retreat, and his unit was already surrounded by the Russians. To rejoin his battalion, Dieter's father had to fly in across enemy lines. Within a few months, he would disappear and never be heard from again. For decades after the war, Dieter's mother would receive detailed accounts from her husband's men, precisely identifying his last known position and telling of how he covered his battalion's retreat outside Babruysk in Belarus, turning with his officers to walk back toward the advancing Russians as he sent his men in retreat. The last time Dieter saw his father, it had snowed, and as his father walked away from the house for the last time, Dieter gathered a snowball, cocked his arm, and hit him square in the back of his head. His father turned, shook his fist, and was gone.

In the months after the war ended, Dieter took to stealing food to support his mother. He looted the unattended storage depots with throngs of others, looking for anything to eat. He'd find cans of paprika, worthless as food, and once found a fifty-pound bag of sugar, which he struggled to carry on the handlebars of his bicycle, eventually being forced to dump half of it, which was traumatizing, as no one had seen sugar in years. His mother took in laundry from the Americans in exchange for rations, and Die-ter and Nati would scrounge in plowed fields for forgotten potatoes.

In Wels after the war, Dieter and his mother were forced by the allies to clean the nearby concentration camp and see for themselves what the Reich had rendered. By this time, his mother was in a state of nervous collapse, and for the rest of her life (she would live until 1992) would rely on Dieter for emotional stability. At the camp, she was so traumatized by the experience that he had to hold her tightly until she stopped shaking. He would not ever be able to speak to his family about the things he saw there.

With all Germans expelled from Austria, Dieter would make his way back through Germany on foot and in the back of a truck, sitting on an oil drum, watching the shattered continent go by, on his way to find family in a small town on the Baltic coast. There followed a period of years in which he would think deeply about how German society had gone mad, and about how he, although just a boy, had been susceptible to this madness. From his earliest memories, Hitler was all he knew.

"And so when word came that Hitler was dead, I wanted to die, too," he told me once. "It would take a long time for us to realize the horror of what had happened."

In formation (circled) with the Jungvolk — Hitler Youth — Poland, 1941.

The slow reeducation of my father-in-law as he completed his schooling, became a chemist, and, in 1961, came to America to do his postdoctoral studies, would define him for the rest of his life. He would become slow to judge, and slow to anger. Never would he again be subject to the irrational passions of the day. And as Dieter Weigmann became the man who would teach me some of the most important lessons of my life, this is the prism through which I would see him — extremely deliberative, cautious, fair, enlightened. A scientist, a man of reason. Being myself quick to judge, quick to anger, too ready to believe in stupid things, I wanted to be around Dieter on the chance that some of what he had might rub off on me. When I got over my amazement at the essential facts of his life, it would slowly dawn on me that these traits he possessed came to define him not in spite of his experiences but because of them.

For Dieter the war would never be far away for the rest of his life. And he would be vexed by a persistent question: How much of a Nazi had his own father been?



There's Dieter now, sitting in his wingback chair down by the fire, next to the massive ancient cabinet that he uses for storing liquor. He sees me, closes his book, looks over. "Can I interest you in a whiskey?" he says, eyes wide with pleasure. He nods his head as if to say, What'll you have?

The first time I met him was in this room. He was sixty or so then, thick white hair, deep voice, very handsome without a trace of vanity. His English was spoken with a slight accent, as if he had learned to speak it in London. He was loose in his limbs and had an easy grace. I never knew my father to enjoy a whiskey, or a nice fire, or a conversation, or to read a good book, though he would sometimes carry around a small missal in the breast pocket of his shirt. Dad never enjoyed a good laugh, either. I never knew him to turn his head as a beautiful woman walked by.

"How are you, Marcus?" Dieter says as he passes me my drink. It is a simple question, most often not meant to elicit an answer. But Dieter somehow always seems to mean it. "Have you heard from Russ?" Russ is my old friend from Texas, who grew up on the borderland along the Rio Grande, who had over the years become a friend of Dieter's and Christa's, too. We all rafted through the Santa Elena Canyon in the Big Bend together, spending nights camped at the bottom of its sheer fifteen-hundred-foot walls. When you're down there, you're just flecks of stardust in the immense night, and so moved were my in-laws by the blanket of stars you find in remote west Texas that they bought a little adobe house in the Marathon Basin, and before we knew it they were spending half their time in the high desert of my home state.

Out there Dieter was right at home, which is not necessarily the first thing you expect from someone of his accomplishments in Prince-ton. One of the first things I learned about Dieter before we even met was that he was a scientist. "My father is a scientist," Jessica would tell me. Dieter was by then one of the foremost fiber scientists in the world, having won the Olney Medal, which is sort of the Nobel Prize for textile science.

The very next thing I learned about Dieter was to be wary of accepting food from him. If something spoiled in the refrigerator, anybody else in the family would just throw it away, but Dieter would follow right after them, fish it out of the garbage, wash it off, and either eat it himself or feed it to some poor unsuspecting bastard. In this way, a compulsion rooted in horrible wartime privation became a family joke. He would enjoy the joke, too, as he would never think of lecturing us about his hard times. But I have eaten more garbage than I ever meant to, and I have not suffered, which of course instills Dieter's point more than any lecture ever could.

A man doesn't go and announce, I am going to be an example for you, I will show you how to live. He just carries himself through the world. And the most important lessons aren't declared or obvious, but more likely come along in the commonplace.

One time in Marathon, I woke up late, walked out into the backyard, and was immediately hit with an overpowering stench. The sewer pipe had backed up into the yard, and there was Dieter, leaning on a spade, standing ankle deep in shit, laughing.

He saw me, and the look on my face.

In his Jungenschaftsführer uniform, 1942.

"I knew you'd like it!" he said. "You've got to stop and smell the roses sometimes, Marcus." That kind of equanimity was new to me, in terms of fatherly experiences. For my father, this would have been the end, the absolute abyss. Darkness would have descended and never lifted. But when you've already been through the end of the world, not everything is the end of the world.

A few years ago I was working on a book project, and the deadline was crushing me. I hadn't given myself enough time to write, and I was panicking, so I left Jessica and the kids in New York and moved out to Princeton with Dieter for a month, to race the clock. I quickly established a routine of working day and night, and without a word being said, Dieter made himself my twenty-four-hour valet. Every morning as I awoke, he'd bring me a cup of coffee. "Would you like to see the menu?" he'd ask. "Or shall we just have the chef whip up something for you?" If I fell asleep on the couch, he would cover me with a blanket. It was the fall, and every morning he and I would take a walk in the changing colors, and we would talk through the day's writing, and every couple days, Dieter would read pages for me and tell me what he thought.

He knew that I'd given up on my own father, and he looked on me with a kindness for which I was not at all prepared, that it seemed he had been waiting for just this moment to bestow. Sometimes it was almost too much for me to bear. As he made us dinner, he would ask me about my life and say such encouraging things with love and without qualification, and I would look at him and think, Are you real?

Dieter had come to the United States in 1961, telling his family in Europe that he'd be back in two years, but it's just the way of the world that he would stay and raise two American daughters — Jessica and her sister, Stefanie — have American grandchildren, and become an American citizen (at least in part so that he could vote against Ronald Reagan).

Similarly, he began his postdoctoral work at a research institute in Princeton and never left, staying for thirty-five years and becoming one of three senior scientists who ran the institute. When it came time for him to retire, Christa arranged a surprise party for him, and since it was a surprise, Dieter didn't have the chance to prepare anything to say. But at the end of the evening, he stood to address the quiet room. And at the end of his talk, he paused, and began to get emotional. "In closing," he said, "I particularly want to thank Luddy Rebenfeld and Bernie Miller, my Jewish colleagues, who fifteen years after the war welcomed this young German like family. Anyone would have understood if they hadn't done that. But they did. They embraced me. I don't have words to express my gratitude."

It is the great irony of my life that the two essential men in it, my father and my father-in-law, fought against each other in the war. At the end of 1944, at the same time that Dieter manned his machine-gun position in the Alps, my father was at the Battle of the Bulge. It is an even greater irony that the man who would become my father-in-law was on the wrong side. But these two men were on opposite sides of an even larger existential war that rages house to house, family to family, life to life. Each would learn far too young that the world can be exceptionally brutal and utterly indifferent to human suffering. I'll never forget one of the first times they met. It was just after Zeke was born, and my parents came up to meet him. Everyone gathered at the house in Princeton. As my parents arrived, Dieter and Christa greeted them warmly, Dieter shaking my father's hand and embracing my mother. This simple show of affection was too much for my father, by then in his late seventies. He would spend the entire trip saying that he wanted to "punch Dieter's lights out."

Somehow, in spite of it all, Dieter turned the brutality of his early life into its opposite, and created a life of exquisite tenderness. My father would choose instead to — or, more generously, would have no choice but to — pass along the brutality in daily parcels. When my father would make himself an outcast, when he would have everybody wanting to leave him by the side of the road, me most of all, it was Dieter who counseled patience and compassion. "Let it go, Marcus," he'd say. "He's so unhappy that he can't help himself. Don't you be unhappy, too."

Dieter's library and bedroom in Princeton are still filled with books on the Second World War. He became a scholar of its massive movements, its madmen, its heroes, and all its pain and folly. Almost as if to explain himself to himself, almost as if somewhere in all those books, he might find his father.

In the time that I knew him, he set himself to the task of translating the incredible wartime correspondence between his parents — hundreds of letters — from the High German of the Reich into contemporary German. He intended to take the further step of translating them all into English, but he wouldn't live long enough.

May 4, 1942

...I feel physically incredibly healthy and vigorous. My cold has completely disappeared. I find myself mostly in a satisfied disposition, even when I occasionally feel in this bleak landscape an incredible longing for home and to be with you. In the everyday pace here the loathsomeness of war manifests itself with every passing day more distinctly. One hears of hanged or shot Partisans, and in the ranks


of the Jews death strides in, if the accounts are to be believed, a less than pleasing, even a loathsome reality. I cannot go along with that, and find that this will damage the regard for our people....


Hans wrote that letter to Dieter's mother, Jessica's grandmother, Zeke's great-grandmother, on the road between Baranovichi and Barysaw in Belarus. His unit had been on the march to the front since April 9,and, being infantry, Hans would observe, nothing had changed in 150 years — they walked into Russia just like Napoleon, still relying on horses to pull their guns.

Dieter was amazed at the bare fact of this letter's existence — that his father would have risked writing something so potentially perilous, given the strict monitoring of the mails at the time.

In his years of research, Dieter would come to believe that his father, as both an economist and a German nationalist, had been a committed Nazi in that he was a committed socialist, and approved of the vigorous rebuilding of the German economy and state. But it was this letter, in addition to a few others, that gave him some succor that his father wasn't a monster.

He would toil over the letters steadily for a decade or so, until he began to slow a little in the past couple of years, and stacks of them occupied a prominent place on the shelves in the little office he had set up in his bedroom in the house out in the woods in Princeton, next to the books on birds and dogs and sailing and adventure, and the spy novels and biographies and poetry and all the other books and pictures and things that fed an interesting mind.

It was in that room late last summer where he lay propped up on his bed, reading, when I went in to say goodbye, as I was leaving to head back into the city. He closed his book, took off his glasses. By this time, he wasn't getting around easily, and he had very suddenly started looking old. In a month, he would be dead. I leaned down, kissed him on the forehead.

"I love you, Dieter," I said.

"I love you, too, son," he said.



I left Dieter's hospital bed and walked toward Zeke. He was afraid, and who could blame him? He may be five-eight, and this year he will be the same age as Dieter was when he was drafted into the German army, but he is still just a kid. A kid with a deathly fear of zombies who was at that moment seeing his first dead body.

His back turned to me, I wrapped my arms around him. "It's okay, Zeke," I said. "Daddy, I'm all right," he said, fighting to get away. His face was hot and wet. He didn't want me to see that he was crying. I was worried that this was far more gothic than we'd bargained for. Why did we do this?

Slowly, though, after the first wave of blind grief passed, the room changed. The sobbing quieted. The lunatic adults in the room returned to their normal role as Zeke's parents. We sat around the bed, tired now, and started telling stories about the life that had just finished. And then suddenly, there was Zeke, sitting right next to his grandfather.

He leaned in close. "Goodbye, Opa."

That evening, I drove into New York to pick up our daughter, Oona, who is nine. She had been occupied all day at a play date and hadn't yet heard the news. As I told her, she began to cry and immediately said: "Nothing will ever be the same."

The night before had been Oona's birthday sleepover, which had been a lot of fun, but now the frivolity and finality crashed together in her head, and her face was pure anguish. "If I had known that while I was laughing and having fun, Opa was dying, I never would have done it, Daddy!"

Over the next couple of days, Jessica and I both consoled her, telling her that there was no one in all the world who more approved of laughing and having fun than her Opa.

There's a park down the road from the little adobe in Marathon, nestled in the primordial exposed rock of the Ouachita Range. It's called the Post, and the lonely and beautiful stretch of road out to the Post is crawling with wild turkeys and javelinas and the occasional cougar, and from there at night you can see the Milky Way brilliantly. This summer, Dieter will become part of those mountains. It looks nothing at all like Germany.


Friday, September 28, 2012

Issues of Masculinity in AMC's Breaking Bad


A few weeks ago, Derek Johnson (who blogs at Thoughts of a Wandering Mind), wrote a brief post about the search for "true manhood" as depicted in AMC's Breaking Bad. It got me to thinking about this topic as I caught up on season four and the first half of season five.

[Spoiler Alert: I will be revealing details of the show that you may not want to know is you have not seen the show. I am assuming readers have seen most or all episodes.] 

If you have never seen this show (you're missing out on intriguing television, which is rare), the premise is that high school chemistry teacher, Walter White, is diagnosed with lung cancer the day after his 50th birthday. Being essentially broke, like most high school teachers supporting a family, he decides to enlist a former student who was making meth in upgrading the quality of the product and getting into the distribution business. Everything escalates from there, including the need to elude his DEA agent brother-in-law, his wife's increasing suspicions and infidelity, and various criminals whose turf Walter encroaches on.

Johnson (at the link below) sees Walter as an everyman, "the trapped and constantly marginalized American family man." He sees Walter's struggle in terms of the relationship with his wife, Skyler. Over the course of the four and half seasons aired so far, Walter becomes increasingly cold, calculating, and violent. He asserts his power and dominance over his wife, bonds with his teenage son, and rises through the ranks of the meth manufacturing underground.

There are a lot contexts of masculinity in this show. There's the hyper-masculinity of the Mexican drug cartels, the traditional masculinity of DEA agent and brother-in-law, Hank, and the ambivalent masculinity of the emotionally-wounded former student and low-level meth cook, Jesse Pinkman. There's also the spineless weasel lawyer, Saul Goodman, and the quiet, deadly, and loyal "mechanic," Mike Ehrmantraut.

As Walter and Jesse get further into the drug world, and are forced to do things they never would have imagined themselves capable, the interesting thing is that Walt, the dedicated family man and father is the one who seems to lose his moral sense and conscience. For him, money, power, and respect become foundations of his identity as a man and as a husband and father.

On the other hand, the street thug and addict, Jesse, is the one who is troubled by what he is becoming. He cries when he is forced to kill (video below). He stands up to his sociopath boss when kids are used to deal the drugs he cooks, and is devastated when one of them is killed.


In the 4th season, Walt poisons the son of Jesse's girlfriend to get him on board with killing their boss (blames it on Gus, their boss). Jesse is crushed when he initially believes it was his fault the child was poisoned. Unknown to Jesse, Walt had earlier allowed Jesse's previous girlfriend to drown in her own vomit (heroin overdose) when he could have turned her on her side and saved her life.

Walt loses his conscience, but Jesse never does - he holds onto his humanity and empathy, despite all the horrors and losses he experiences.

Walt is in most ways the (anti-)hero of the show, but Jesse (in his own wounded way) offers the most human depiction of masculinity - still manly, but also in touch with his broken heart.

Breaking Bad and the Search for True Manhood

Posted by on September 4, 2012



Thursday, April 26, 2012

NPR - A Father And Son Go On Their Last 'Odyssey' Together

Author Daniel Mendelsohn, below left, and his father, Jay, went on a cruise that retraced the mythic journey of Odysseus. Shortly after they returned, Jay passed away. It's a touching story - and the context of the cruise is also fascinating.

Author Daniel Mendelsohn, left, and his father, Jay, on the Odysseus-inspired cruise.
Andrea Wyner/Travel + Leisure - April 2012

Author Daniel Mendelsohn, left, and his father, Jay, on the Odysseus-inspired cruise.

April 15, 2012

A few years ago, author, critic, and translator Daniel Mendelsohn was teaching the epic Greek poem The Odyssey when his father decided to take his class.

Jay Mendelsohn, a retired research scientist, wanted to understand his son better, and understand his life's work. When Daniel decided he wanted to retrace one of the most epic journeys of Greek literature, Jay became his travel partner.

Daniel, a professor at Bard College in New York, wrote about the trip for the April 2012 issue of Travel and Leisure Magazine. His father did not like the character of Odysseus in the first place, Daniel tells weekends on All Things Considered host Guy Raz.

"He said, 'How can this guy be a hero? You know, he lies, he tricks people, he cheats on his wife, he cries' — my father didn't like that at all," Daniel remembers – "How can you make this guy the center of a poem,'" Daniel remembers.

But Jay did love Homer's first poem, The Iliad, and he wanted to learn more about Homer and Ancient Greece. So, they partnered up and began cruising the Mediterranean, starting in the ancient city of Troy in modern Turkey – the city where Odysseus' journey begins.

"One certainly gets a sense of the cultural power and authority of the Homeric poems, both The Iliad and The Odyssey," he says, "from the fact that already in antiquity, it was a tourist destination to go to Troy." Even Alexander The Great visited the city as a tourist, he says.

Of course, Daniel and Jay didn't stop there. They visited places throughout Greece and the Mediterranean associated with locations in Homer's The Odyssey. There's a lot of speculation, however, about whether these sites are truly the places mentioned in these epic poems.

"A lot of these sites," Daniel says, "like Calypso's cave on Malta, one definitely feels like they were sort of invented — or at least hyped." Jay got a big kick out of each location anyway, Daniel says, even the phoniest ones.

The two companions traveled the ancient world on a cruise ship, which offered lectures by academics and archeologists. It was a small cruise ship, with about 80 passengers on board, but that didn't stop them from having unlikely encounters.

"The Odyssey is, of course, about funny encounters and unexpected coincidences and meetings that are too good to be true," Daniel says. "We got to talking with a couple that we had seen a couple times, and it turns out he had been the CEO of my dad's company," he says.

Some of the people they met even had an uncanny resemblance to characters from The Odyssey. 

For example: There's one key moment in The Odyssey when Odysseus returns to his palace in Ithaca — in disguise, to slay all the suitors who had been courting his wife while he was away. Once at the palace, however, he's recognized by a scar on his leg from a childhood wound.

Coincidentally, Daniel was sunbathing on the deck when he noticed a Dutch man with a scar on his leg and an extraordinary story.

During World War II, this man was a starving teenager. He was weak and malnourished and ended up injuring himself while chopping firewood, swinging the axe into his own leg. This wound almost cost him his life.

"A family friend, who was a classicist, helped him get through this illness in part by reading The Odyssey to him," Mendelsohn says. "Even though he was not a classic student, he recited to me, on the deck of this ship as an elderly man, lines from The Odyssey in Greek," he says.

The man told Daniel he was on the cruise because he had vowed to see what Odysseus saw before he died.

All in all, it was a good trip for both father and son — and an especially poignant one. On April 6, 2012, Jay Mendelsohn passed away.

"I can't travel with him anymore," Daniel says, "but in a lot of ways, he will stay with me during the remaining trips that I am making and the readings I am making of these texts," he says. "That just became a different kind of odyssey."

Monday, March 26, 2012

Michael Taylor - What Are The Benefits Of Meditation For Men?


Last Friday's conversation on A New Conversation with Men, hosted by Coach Michael Taylor, featured Peter Vroom talking about his "The Resolute Mind" meditation technique and "how it can support men in dealing with the multiplicity of challenges men deal with on a daily basis."


Listen to internet radio with Coach Michael Taylor on Blog Talk Radio


What Are The Benefits Of Meditation For Men?

by Coach Michael Taylor


Men are faced with unprecedented stresses and challenges today. Unfortunately, too many men turn to alcohol, drugs and sex to try to deal with this stress.

Join Coach Michael Taylor as he speaks with Peter Vroom about The Resolute Mind meditation technique and how it can support men in dealing with the multiplicity of challenges men deal with on a daily basis.

Peter Vroom has been studying Vedic Meditation since 2002 and was an assistant teacher with Limor Babai for many years. He ran many advanced knowledge courses and assisted many students to a greater understanding of the technique. After finishing his training with Thom Knoles in India and the US, Peter now runs his own centres in LA, Sydney and New York. 

Find him here: www.theresolutemind.com
Meditation is good - no matter what it's called or what lineage it's from. At the very least, just sit with good posture, breathe naturally with your belly, notice the breath move in and out, and repeat. Do this until you have been sitting for 5, 10, or 15 minutes. Evey time your mind wanders from the breath, notice "thinking" or "drifting," and gently bring attention back to the breath.


For a more in-depth instruction, see this article by Thanissaro Bhikkhu on Basic Breath Meditation Instructions.