Denise Cummins - Are Males and Females Equally Emotional?

The short answer is yes. The longer answer is that men express emotions (like empathy) differently than do women. Here is the even longer answer:

[I]n another study, male and female teens gave self-reports and had several physiological measures taken while they viewed animated clips depicting people being hurt. Female participants scored higher than males on self-reported empathy, and this sex difference increased with age. But no sex differences  were detected in blood pressure, heart rate, or pupil dilation—all measures of emotional responsiveness. These results suggest that males and females feel the same thing, but report what they feel differently.

These results, and many others like them, lend credibility to the social construction model that suggests many of the differences between males and females are socialized into each gender but are not inherent in either sex.

Are Males and Females Equally Emotional?

The sexes experience emotions the same but process them differently

Published on June 23, 2014 by Denise Cummins, Ph.D. in Good Thinking

In a previous blog, I discussed why some people seem to lack empathy. The short answer is that empathy (feeling distress when viewing another's pain) can be exhausting and lead to burnout, so some people cope by distancing themselves from those who are suffering. I also reported the intriguing results of a study that showed compassion can be trained as a highly effective coping strategy to overcome empathic distress and strengthen resilience. Rather than feeling overwhelmed by the suffering of others (as happens in empathy), compassion allows one to feel concern for another's suffering. This frees us to effectively offer help and to derive peace and satisfaction from acting to reduce the suffering of others.

In that study, however, all participants were female. That might lead the inquiring reader to wonder why the researchers chose to exclude men and whether the results apply to men as well.

Do Men and Women Feel Empathy Equally?

While this seems like a straightforward question, the answer is not. Countless studies have been conducted to address this question, with conflicting results. For example, one study followed the social development of over 500 teenaged boys and girls for six years. The measures they looked at included empathic concern and the ability to see emotional situations from another person's perspective. Girls outpaced boys on both measures.

We might conclude from this that females are indeed more empathetic than boys. But the difficulty is that this study (like most studies on empathy) relied on self-report: Participants simply reported how distressed they felt or how easy or hard it was see things from the other person's perspective. When physiological measures are taken, however, these sex differences tend to disappear. For example, in another study, male and female teens gave self-reports and had several physiological measures taken while they viewed animated clips depicting people being hurt. Female participants scored higher than males on self-reported empathy, and this sex difference increased with age. But no sex differences were detected in blood pressure, heart rate, or pupil dilation—all measures of emotional responsiveness. These results suggest that males and females feel the same thing, but report what they feel differently.

There is more scientific agreement, however, with respect to sex differences in how emotions are processed. A number of studies have reported that males and females recruit different neurocircuitry when processing and "down-regulating" (blunting) emotions.

A recent study led by Dr. Yoshiya Moriguchi of the National Institute of Mental Health shows this quite clearly.

Adult men (n = 17) and women (n = 17) viewed images that typically arouse strong positive or negative emotional reactions. While viewing the images, they rated their moment-to-moment feelings of subjective arousal and underwent fMRI brain scans.

The results showed quite clearly that men and women did not differ overall in their intensity of moment-to-moment emotional reactions to the images. But the neural circuitry recruited during emotion processing differed between the sexes. Women showed neural activity in the anterior insula cortex, which processes bodily sensations. This means that they deeply experienced emotions within their bodies. Men, on the other hand, showed neural responses in the visual cortex. While processing these images, male brains immediately activated circuitry involved in regulating shifts of attention to the world (i.e., the dorsal anterior insula cortex and the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex). This allowed them to shift the emotional impact of the images away from themselves.

Is this automatic shifting of emotional impact away from oneself adaptive? Well, it depends. On the one hand, women risk emotional overwhelm and burnout if they repeatedly experience distress within themselves at the sight of others in distress. So distancing oneself from others' pain may be adaptive to mental and emotional well-being. On the other hand, such distancing also allows one to ignore the pain of others or to freely inflict such pain with little distress to oneself. Such distancing may be adaptive for combat, torture, or cruelty, but can prove problematic for developing prosocial competences.

In either case, this research suggests that compassion training is warranted for both sexes. Such training allows both sexes to learn to disengage in a manner that fosters benevolent action rather than succumbing to overwhelm or resorting to uncaring dissociation.

Copyright Dr. Denise Cummins June 24, 2014

Dr. Cummins is a research psychologist, a Fellow of the Association for Psychological Science, and the author of Good Thinking: Seven Powerful Ideas That Influence the Way We Think.

• More information about me can be found on my homepage.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• And on Google+.

Shawn Smith - Why Men Feel Outmatched During Arguments with Women

I don't like the idea that men should be trying to make women happy - that is a sure route to misery and resentment. But there is good stuff here about the different ways men and women communicate - an issue I had frequently in an old relationship where she would be trying to talk about the process (HOW we communicate) and I would be trying to talk about the content (WHAT we are communicating about).

He phrases it differently below, but it's the same principle.

Why Men Feel Outmatched During Arguments with Women

“When we argue, it’s like I’m playing one-on-one against LeBron James.”

Published on March 27, 2014 by Shawn T. Smith, Psy.D. in Ironshrink

When a boy gets hurt, he’s likely to hear other males tell him to “walk it off.” Most men were taught early to squelch emotion and man up. Personally, I have no problem with these messages. I received plenty of them, and I’m glad of it. Stoicism is a useful skill. But unmoderated stoicism is a liability when it leaves us with a lack of emotional knowledge.

Insufficient emotional training leaves a lot of us men feeling outwitted and outmatched by women on matters of intimate connection – especially during arguments. As one man put it in my new book, “When we have an argument it’s like I’m playing one-on-one against LeBron James. Why do [women] have to win every argument?”

In my clinical experience, women tend to see a bigger relationship picture than men, and can more easily relate past events to current happenings. That’s not always true, and sometimes the roles are reversed, but I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve seen sidetracked into destructive and pointless arguments because he’s talking about what’s happening here and now, while she’s talking about larger patterns in the relationship.

Because she’s looking at the bigger picture, she may bring up past incidents during an argument, or even speculate about how the current problem will affect the future of the relationship.

That leaves a lot of guys feeling anxious in their relationships because arguments seem like contests for which they’re hopelessly ill-equipped. Many men have told me, in essence, that they feel stupid during arguments with the women in their lives because they don't seem to possess the same memory or insight into patterns.

That leaves a lot of guys feeling incredibly anxious about the relationship because they never know when they’ll have to (in their view) defend themselves for something they did or said long ago. Here’s a little excerpt from my book:

“A man who took my survey described one of the most common dynamics that discourages men from trying to make women happy: “They don’t forget anything. The old mistakes, the purchases that didn’t work out, the words said in anger—a guy can never take them back. Women always bring them back up in an argument. They won’t accept an apology and forget it.”

Bringing up past events in an argument is often an attempt to gain reassurance that old problems won’t be repeated in the future. It’s a problem-solving strategy designed to eradicate painful patterns.

But to the man on the receiving end, it can seem pointlessly aggressive, and it can cause the discussion to devolve into unproductive bickering over particular events rather than problematic patterns.

If one partner in an argument (often the man) is focused on present events, and the other (frequently the woman) is focused on patterns and history, each person is trying to solve a different problem. The partner who’s focused on patterns and history is likely to end up feeling unheard, and the one focused on the immediate problem is likely to fear forever being punished for past mistakes.

That’s precisely the fear that many men have described to me. As one man explained it, “When you remember our past mistakes but forget our successes, we think you expect us to be perfect.” This often compels men to retreat rather than face an impossible standard.”

In my experience working with couples, men tend to feel more comfortable in discussions when we know the ground rules and the goals. Women can help us by setting some guidelines at the outset of a difficult conversation, and letting us know whether they want to discuss the immediate problem, larger patterns, or concerns about the future.

Most of us men prefer to address one thing at a time during relationship discussions. Perhaps that’s a result of the relatively limited emotional training we received. In any case, we can end up feeling discouraged or hopeless when we’re chasing multiple problems at once and perceive that none of them are being solved. It doesn’t matter whether a couple discusses the past, the future, or the present – as long as both partners are on the same page, solving the same problem as a team.
* * * * *

My new book, The Woman’s Guide to How Men Think: Love, Commitment, and the Male Mind is available at Amazon, in stores and online at Barnes & Noble, and at other fine booksellers.


Related Links

• How to win an argument with a man? Don't get angry.
• When She Wants Sex More than He Does
• Buddy System AND Fraternities
• Women's Need for Great BIG Pomander Balls
• Coupling and Culture

This comes from Barbara Markway's blog at Psychology Today, Living the Questions. The points I agree with in Markway's list are the double-bind (we are told to express our feelings, especially by female partners, but then we are seen as less masculine when we do so) and that men expressing feelings catches people off-guard (both women and men can react to a man sharing feelings as though someone just farted).

There is no easy answer on how to allow men to feel better and safer sharing emotions, but I have a sense the cultural landscape on this is beginning to change.

Relationship Problems? Unlock the Code of Men’s Feelings

How to help your relationship by decoding men's feelings.

Published on January 18, 2014 by Barbara Markway, Ph.D. in Living the Questions

The myth that men are unfeeling creates damaging relationship problems. In an interview with Daphne Rose Kingma, author of The Men We Never Knew, she said:

"We've dismissed men as the feelingless gender – we've given up on them. Because of the way boys are socialized, their ability to deal with emotions has been systematically undermined. Men are taught, point-by-point, not to feel, not to cry, and not to find words to express themselves."

Just because men aren't adept at expressing their feelings, don't for a minute think they don't feel…and feel deeply. Many times, men express their feelings using a secret code – a code that even they can't decipher.

Men may convert one feeling into another. Men may convert stereotypically feminine feelings, such as sadness or vulnerability, into feelings like anger or pride – feelings more socially acceptable for a man to experience.

I remember a couple who came to see me in distress because they had recently learned their teenage daughter had been assaulted by her boyfriend. A major conflict arose because John was threatening to kill the boyfriend, upsetting his wife and daughter tremendously. They worried he might actually seek revenge and end up in jail. With some work, I was able to help John express his true feelings: he cried, stating that he felt responsible for what had happened – as though he should've been able to protect his daughter. He felt terribly sad that his daughter was going through such pain, and he fell justifiably angry. After he expressed the full range of his feelings, he no longer threatened to kill the young man and was better able to support his daughter in ways that were helpful.

Men may shift their feelings into another arena. Men may express emotions only in places where they feel safe, and where the expression of feelings is considered acceptable. Just look at how men act at sports events. It's not uncommon to see men in the audience express great exuberance and affection, giving each other hugs and high-fives. Football and hockey players, probably some of the most macho men around, appear quite comfortable expressing their feelings with each other during the game. Where else would you see men slapping each other playfully on the butt? Put these same men in another situation and you wouldn't see the same level of openness and comfort with showing emotion.

Men may experience their feelings through physical complaints. It's not uncommon to see men experience their feelings through things such as headaches are backaches. You may know of a man who gets headaches only on the weekends, or become sick on vacations. Why does this happen? Because as long as men are working, they can cut off their feelings. Without the structure of work, however, their feelings and needs surface, and may be expressed through physical symptoms.

Men are in a double-bind when it comes to expressing emotions. Although men may not always know what they're feeling, there's one thing they’re sure about: they’re convinced they’re in a major double bind. Women tell men to express their feelings, but when they do, women are often petrified, if not horrified. Women want men to show their feelings, but only certain feelings, and only in doses they can handle.

In fact, results from numerous research studies, as well as clinical experience, tells us that men may be right to be wary of women who implore the to show their true feelings. Men who deviate from the traditional masculine norm by being emotionally expressive and talking about their fears are often judged as being poorly adjusted.

Men’s feelings may take everyone off guard.

Part of the problem may be that men have silenced their feelings for so long, that they haven't developed resources for handling them when they do arise. Such unplanned for, unexpected emotion can often prove overwhelming. I worked with one couple where this was the case. Rob had taken a new job several hours away. Emily stayed back, trying to get their house ready to sell. They were arguing about whether or not to get a dog. Emily argued that a dog would provide her with some needed company, and would also make her feel secure when alone in their home. In his logical, analytical way, Rob gave her every reason why the timing was not right for a dog. How could you show the house with a puppy running around, peeing on the floor? On an intellectual level, Emily knew he was right, but her heart insisted she would be happier with the dog. They went through several weekends were all they did was fight about the dog issue. Emily thought Rob was being cold and unfeeling. Rob thought Emily was being unreasonable.

With much coaxing, Rob agreed to accompany Emily to the local animal shelter “just to look” at dogs. When Rob saw all those rows and rows of dogs in cages, knowing that most of them would probably be put to death, he began sobbing. Emily said she had never seen him cry so hard. She had been thinking to herself that he didn't have any feelings, when nothing could be further from the truth.

My own observation has been that many men experience intense emotions; but, lacking the training and support to make sense of their feelings, they are left with few options but to bury them deeper. It's only when men are taken off guard (such as when Rob visited the animal shelter) that their feelings are free to surface.

So no, it's not that men are unfeeling. Rather, men are trapped in the confines of a socialization process that tells them it’s unmanly to cry, to hurt, or to express the myriad other motions we all experience as a result of living fully as human beings.

You might also like these posts: A Simple Way to Put The Spark Back in Your Relationship and 80+ Self-Care Ideas.



Let’s Keep in Touch!

• To subscribe to my posts via e-mail, click here.
• Join me on Twitter and Facebook.
• I also write at The Self-Compassion Project and Shyness Is Nice.
• To read more of my posts on this blog, click here.

I am the co-author of Dying of Embarrassment, Painfully Shy, and Nurturing the Shy Child. Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety & Phobia was found to be one of the most useful and scientifically grounded self-help books in a research study published in Professional Psychology, Research and Practice. I’ve also been featured in the award-winning PBS documentary, Afraid of People. My husband, Greg and I also co-authored Illuminating the Heart: Steps Toward a More Spiritual Marriage.

Photo via canstockphoto.com

This is from The Onion, so don't take it seriously. However, this little piece of satire points out a stigma that still is common in our culture - that seeing a therapist is weak, especially for men.

Supposed Adult Pays Man To Sit In Room And Listen To Him Talk About His Feelings

News in Brief • ISSUE 50•07 • Feb 19, 2014


BRIDGEPORT, CT—Reportedly going twice a week to his special safe place where he’s told he doesn’t have to be afraid, local accountant and supposedly grown adult Carl Rowley confirmed Wednesday that he pays a man to sit right next to him in a room and listen to him talk all about his feelings. “It’s really helpful to talk through my issues out loud with someone who has an objective viewpoint,” said the feeble approximation of a mature self-respecting grownup, describing the hour-long sessions in which he nestles himself on a big comfy couch with a soft pillow and tells the nice man how he’s sad and lonely and wants everything to feel good again. “I think I’m making a lot of progress, especially around issues with my family. I definitely think it’s something every [oh-so-fragile little infant masquerading as an actual grown man] should try.” At press time, sources reported that Rowley felt much better after the kindly listening man, a so-called doctor, told him that it was okay to cry.

Scott Sonnon - Rules of Engagement for Becoming a Man

Scott Sonnon offers a compassionate and flexible roadmap for his 9 year old son, a guide to growing up, masculinity, and being a good man. This comes, as one might guess, from the Good Men Project.

Rules of Engagement for Becoming a Man

January 12, 2014 by Scott Sonnon

Scott Sonnon writes a letter to his son on how to go it alone as a man.

—

Honestly, every day feels like it could be my last. I look at my wife and my children, and I feel as if it could all end at any moment. In reality, this may indeed be very true. But psychologically, I know this feeling of imminent finality originates from having my parents violent divorce when I was only 4 years old. Having had no father in my life, I feel that as a father now myself, I could quite suddenly just… disappear. If I did, will I have said everything that I wanted to say, everything that I could, to my children?

I had published a letter to my daughter last month, that I shared with her as a conversation started. It had brought her and I together in a way I hadn’t imagined. We’re a very strong team. But my son is still quite young, unable to avoid the “SQUIRREL!” distractions in life, so I wrote to him a letter that we will read and discuss in a lucid moment, but it is more of a roadmap for the future, left to him in case these were indeed my final words to him as his Dad,

My “Rules of Engagement for Becoming a Man”

♦◊♦

Little man,

You’re only turning 9 years old, but you asked me to write you a letter, like I had written your sister. Here it is.

Some people say 8 is too young to worry about manhood, but I believe if you don’t know where you’re headed, you’ll have trouble getting there. You won’t be able to spend all your years as a boy, and then suddenly know how to be a man. On your 18th birthday, you may be told be in your identification that you’re an adult, but it won’t magically be in your identity that you’re a man. You’re already trying to put on a man’s shoes in certain circumstances, so if you know which direction to walk, perhaps you’ll have an easier time figuring out how to walk in them… and be okay when you trip.

I did not. I’m not afraid to be honest with you. My father was gone when I was only 4, which means it’s been years since I’ve been your Dad that I’ve had an example of exactly what to do as a father. I don’t have a specific plan to tell you what you’ll need to become a man. I have had to figure it out by myself, and through the father figures in my life as my coaches.

So, I can begin by telling you what I’ve learned a man is not. It’s not an age. No matter how others make it seem, there isn’t a magical age: not 18, 21, not even 45. As you grow older, you don’t automatically become more of a man. When you grow taller in your shoes, deeper in your voice, or hairy on your face, you won’t be any closer to becoming a man. I wish, Son, it was that simple.

A boy thinks and behaves as if he’s the center of the universe. This isn’t about age, but about behavior, action and thought. Even at my age, we can behave and think like boys; including like your Dad does when I make mistakes and behave childishly. I am still practicing the difference between being a boy and being a man. I can still choose to act like a boy, even though I’m 5 times older than you. Behaving like a boy means putting your own interests first (your hunger, thirst, sleepiness, pleasure, happiness, cravings, sadness, anger and so on) and getting those desires met before considering the needs of others.

A boy takes (because he’s learning) but a man gives (because he’s learning more). To become a man, you have to place others’ interests before your own. It’s not easy, because you have to think about how your behavior impacts others, and then imagine what the world looks like from their perspective, and how what you do, think and say makes them feel. Just because you feel you’re right, doesn’t mean you should do it, say it or even think it. That’s a hard one. To do this, you can’t be at the center of your own little world.

You can’t even only think about what a man would do, you have to act upon it. When big challenges come, you don’t even have time to think. You only have time to act; often when you don’t know what you should do. How you act then, tells you if you’re a boy or a man. I think about these challenges a lot, even as a “grown-up.” When they come, I think, will I have the courage to be a man, or will I allow fear to overcome me, and act only as a boy, concerned only about my own needs. Even your Dad won’t know until it happens, what he’ll do. You can only practice becoming a man in the small, daily, simple, normal things, so that when the big, scary, difficult things come, you have had enough practice to act as a man. This is what people mean when they talk about your “character.”

Throughout your life, you’re going to have these opportunities, and just like your Dad, you won’t be great at them all right away. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll fail to live up to your own expectations. You’ll be too afraid to remember your courage, and you’ll act like a boy, rather than remember to practice becoming a man. That happens to us for the rest of our lives, Son. I am still practicing even – and maybe especially – as I write these words to you. You have to find a balance between being firm with yourself, and pulling yourself off the ground, turning toward your fears, and the mistakes you’ve made, owning them and pushing through even when it hurts; with being forgiving and gentle with yourself when you repeatedly get knocked down, get overwhelmed, make huge blunders, and shrink away from them because you’ve hurt yourself from pushing too hard for too long. I haven’t mastered it myself, but I keep practicing.

♦◊♦

I didn’t have my Dad around when I was your age, so I looked to my coaches to act as my father figures. And they did. I grew from their lessons. You will find teachers everywhere when you need them, and even when you don’t, because you need to practice and learn from a teacher before the big challenges come, and after they knock you down, and when you get back up again and again.

Be ready for disappointment. Don’t think it is you. Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn. When you feel disappointed, remember this letter, and read it again, please. Because when you’re disappointed, and hard on yourself, that’s when you’re growing, and being given the chance to become more of a man. At the same time, you’re going to have plenty of happy times, and lots of laughs, victories and achievements. Don’t get too attached to these once they’re over. Celebrate them, and let 'em go. A boy collects them, but a man moves on.

You’re going to experience weakness, failure, vulnerability, worry, surprise and even terror. I can’t protect you from these feelings, but I can help you get prepared for when you feel them. It’s wonderful to feel strong, invulnerable, confident, certain and brave. But sometimes, those feelings seem to disappear for awhile. They’ll come back, but only when you do one thing: get up anyway. Get up when you know you’ve failed a hundred times, when you know it’ll hurt and you feel completely exposed and unprotected, when you know that people will be upset for you when you own up to a mistake you’ve made, when you don’t know at all what to do. You get up, and do the right thing anyway… even if you fail again. That is the difference between behaving like a boy and like a man.

Sometimes I just want to curl up with your Mom and have her hold me, because even at my age, I get overwhelmed; I feel out-gunned and under-prepared, hurt and angry, alone and tired. It’s okay to do that, Son. It’s okay to take a breath, to feel comforted. And then, you’ll know that it’s not yet time, that you could stay within that warm embrace longer and feel safe, but you get up anyway to face it. That Son, is becoming more of a man.

The things you’re going to go through will be different than what I did, Thank God. What you’ll face will be unique to you. I won’t know all the answers, even if you feel like your Dad could face any challenge. I know I don’t know. But I know that I have to do something even when I don’t know what to do. So, I can’t tell you what’s going to happen. But I can tell you for absolute certain, that you will be given exactly what you need to become a man: you’ll either do a great job at it, or you’ll learn how to do it better the next time. I’ve learned a lot, which means I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And I still am. A man never stops learning and practicing.

♦◊♦

You’ll have your own challenges, but you should always know that your Mom and I are behind you, until you’re man enough to go it alone. And then, we’ll still be with you, in one Way or Another. You get to choose how to live your life. You get to choose how you want to face a challenge, how many times you must repeat that challenge until you overcome it. Or if you choose to do nothing about it at all and hope to escape it. That’s your choice. I want the best for you, so I’m going to do my best to always provide you with support and love, but you can choose to not heed my advice. That is your choice, as you become a man.

Being a man sounds like a lot of work, like it’s very hard, and there aren’t many benefits. But let me tell you, Son, being a man is “good.” We get to feel tough and choose to be gentle. We get to feel strong, and choose to be compassionate. We get to feel freedom, but choose to be responsible. Remember what I wrote about “character.” It’s what you decide to do when the pressure is on. There’s no better feeling than that, really: to feel like everything is pushing and pulling you in so many directions, and yet you stand your ground and speak the truth, and act righteously.

When we behave like boys, we can lie, cheat, steal; even hurt others. When we act like men, we keep our word, even when it’s easy not to. We remain reliable, when someone needs us, yet spontaneous and unpredictable. You can be hard on yourself, fair with others, and compassionate with everyone. When you feel pressure from others to do what might seem “fun” but could be hurtful, deceitful or in any way “wrong”, even though it makes you “unpopular” you’ll find the courage to do the “right” thing anyway.

You may think you’ll be able to get away with it, because no one is looking, but there’s always someone watching: the boy inside you who’s becoming a man. He’s always watching. Help him grow; don’t hurt him and keep him small. You’ll hear that voice cautioning you, and sometimes, you’ll ignore it, and make a mistake. It’s okay, your Dad screws up, too. But becoming a man, means owning up to those mistakes, facing an even harder crowd of peer pressure afterward, and doing the right thing eventually. The more you run from it, the harder it will be when you do, but you can ALWAYS clean the slate and start over. Just remember, that the longer you wait to own up and come clean, the more other people will be hurt by your choices, and the harder it will be to face. But you CAN face it. A man should.

♦◊♦

Be proud of who you are, and where you came from. Your name means something. It is a bank account, and you’ve inherited a huge savings. Put more into that account for your sons and daughters. Protect it, honor it, and then pass it to them. Put more into it throughout your life than you take out. Take care of it, because you don’t own your name. You carry it to the next generation.

Your family is the most important; this one with me, your Mom and your Sister, and then one you will create when you become a man. Protect them before yourself. Provide for them above your own desires. Put them first and foremost in your thoughts, actions and behaviors. LOVE THEM AS BIG AS YOU CAN! All of our lessons as a boy prepare us for that privilege as a man. Live as an example to your children. And pass on these lessons I’m sharing with you, with them.

Stay humble for your gifts are God given. Be grateful for your fruits are delicate blessings which come and go. Work hard but be smart about it. Don’t waste a second; invest it in your growth. You’re told to “be happy,” but remember that you won’t always feel happy and that’s okay. Being a man means doing hard things that won’t make you immediately happy, but they’ll make you eventually happy. Often instant pleasure is the worst thing you could feel, because of what it will cost you to stay a boy, and not become more of a man.

Breathe. Take it all in. Let it all go quiet sometimes. Sit. Smile. This is your domain where you get to help as many people as you can. That is an honor. The worries will come; and when an army of them swarm around you, sometimes you start with the biggest guy and knock him down first; other times, you start with the closest and easiest just to get rolling. A lot of times, you’ll feel like you can’t breathe, and you’re never resting. That, too, is what it means to be a man; so when you knock out a few of your responsibilities, remember: sit, breathe, let it go, relax and smile. You’re doing it.

Believe in the nobility in becoming a man. You are learning how to become a King. Even when we act like precocious, pampered, spoiled little Princes, we are all still learning. Sometimes we need to shake off the boyish behavior, stop accepting mediocrity and charge toward our dreams… My mother once told me that she wanted a better life for me than she had; and I do want that for you. But to have a better life, you’ll need to make different decisions than I made. I promise you that I will continue to practicing becoming more of a man, when you come to me as a man, and tell me that you’re choosing to not heed my advice and go a new direction. Together, as two men, we will support each other, as you head off in that uncharted path. (But try your best to consider the counsel of your elders before you make that choice, please. Sometimes, men do know what we’re talking about.)

Most of the time, just like your Dad, you’ll be making it all up as you go along. Be ready to improvise, adapt and overcome. Expect that you will not know how to do something, that no one else can or is willing to do it, and that you’ll have to just figure it out on your own while doing it. There are a lot of different ways to solve a problem. Even if you don’t figure out the fastest or most efficient way, keep going, because you will figure out a way eventually, even if no one else has done it that way before. Just don’t stop going. Fail and fail and fail and fail and one day, you’ll be doing something completely unrelated and the solution will come to you (so remember to step away from a task for a moment if you can, to take a chance for it to come to you.) You’re so much smarter than you can imagine, because that brain of yours comes from God. Those ideas are divine gifts. Treat them as sacred as a church and bring them to life as piously as a prayer.

♦◊♦

You’ll feel tempted to try and figure everything out, and fix all problems you see. Remember that it’s a mystery to be appreciated, so stay curious. Watch how others create solutions. Listen to how they came to their conclusions. Look to understand rather than only to “fix.” Ask as many questions as appropriate when time permits, because you can always at least learn a different perspective on the same problem.

What you say and what you feel aren’t always perceived the same way by others, so you’re going to need to practice being better at communicating all of your life. That’s one of the reasons that you never finish becoming a man. Sometimes you have to say something in order to realize how you really feel, sometimes you have to correct what you’ve said because it came out the wrong way, and most times, you’re going to need to remember that it’s that way for everyone else too; so be patient, ask questions to confirm what they meant in words you understand. Ask them to do the same when they don’t understand you.

Here’s the hard one. No matter how much it will feel like you’re exposing yourself, share how you really feel with those you love. This is the most important type of sharing as a man. You can share things, and tasks, and tools, and thoughts, but sharing feelings is a very hard one because we are told to just “man up” and get over it. Listen, Son, when it comes to those you love, “manning up” IS sharing how you really feel. So, remember that you also need to really listen and hear when loved ones share with you. It’s how you will really connect with them and understand the WHY in their life; and how they can understand the WHY in your life; why we do, behave and think in the peculiar ways we do…

No matter how firm and disciplined you must become in your challenges, remember to love yourself, accept who you are, and always remain true to that man you’re becoming. Others will try to control you, and dictate what you should do in life. Remember to love and honor yourself. Try to be compassionate with them, and acknowledge that sometimes the most compassionate thing you can say to people trying to control your life is, “No.” I will stand behind those, “No,” responses with you, even if you feel totally alone, even if my body isn’t right next to you when you do it.

Truly mean it when saying you’re sorry; because you’ll be saying it a LOT. Expect to do a lot for others without recognition; in fact, although it’s hard for us to realize when we think like boys, but that’s the best kind of thing to do. So, pick your friends carefully, as many people will try to exploit your generosity. Don’t prejudice them but consider their values; will they help you become a better man, and will you help them become better men and women? Do they make others feel bad, and do they honor that you’re becoming a man of character, and hope for them to practice the same? Commit to your word, and you’ll find that your friends are able to do the same more often. It takes time, sometimes years, but how you behave, think and act is like a rock dropped into a lake: the ripples move outward affecting everyone around you.

Honor this body you’ve been given like you would protect and help your own son grow. Be honest with your growth so you can keep healthy. And when your strength wanes, and your health diminishes, remember to respect your Spirit which cannot die ever, and will always be strong no matter how big, scary and difficult the challenge.

Like I said, Son, sometimes you’re going to win; and other times you’re going to learn. It won’t seem fair when we think like a boy, but as you become a man, you’ll see that you create fairness: you equal things out for others, when what they’ve experienced has been unfair to them, you will be the one to extend an anonymous helping hand. It’ll keep you humble, and keep you busy.

So, remember to laugh… and cry. These are two of your best tools as a man. Laugh at yourself, and cry for others hardships. Being more human means you’re becoming more of a man.

Things in life may come and go, but your character is yours for life. Appreciate things while they’re here, and help others when they’re not. Because that “character” of yours is the only real thing that makes you a man.

You have everything you need to “make up” this life for yourself. You can do it. Whatever you need will be there for you when you need it, once you commit to improvising and taking action even when you don’t know what to do…. especially so.

Whatever happens, no matter today or 70 years from now when I’m gone, know that I am always proud of you, and the man you are becoming.

I love you so much, Son.

Dad

—————————————————

Very Respectfully,
ScottSonnon


Photo credit: author’s own

About Scott Sonnon
Scott Sonnon is a martial art expert, fitness coach, and wellness speaker. He overcame childhood obesity, learning disabilities, and joint disease, to be named by Men’s Fitness Magazine, one of the top trainers in the world. He came out of retirement at the age of 40, for the 2010 World Martial Art Games, and won 5 gold medals, against fighters half his age and 100 lbs heavier.
 
Visit him at: rmaxinternational.com/flowcoach & See his Tedx Talk on Suppressed Genius

Kate Bartolotta - What Happens When Our Emotions Stay in Our Bodies

This is an excellent article from Kate Bartolotta, posted at the Good Men Project, on what happens to us when we keep emotions locked in the body rather than letting them flow through us as they arise.

For boys and men, this often means sadness, sorrow, grief, rejection and all of the other "soft" emotions that men are taught not to feel - "boys don't cry," "shake it off," or "c'mon, be tough," as just a few examples of the many ways boys are taught not to feel. For men, there are cliches such as "man up," "stiff upper lip," "put it behind you," or "suck it up."

In the words of the AA folks, what we resist persists. We need to stop resisting the feeling and expression of human emotions.

What Happens When Our Emotions Stay in Our Bodies

May 27, 2013
by Kate Bartolotta

It’s never too late to address unexpressed emotion stored in the body as pain, tightness, and discomfort.

When we look at the language we use to talk about emotional reactions, there is often a physical sensation associated as well: a lump in the throat, butterflies in our stomachs, a gut feeling, the weight of the world on our shoulders. This isn’t coincidental! Those visceral reactions are messages from our body.

We hear this referred to as “the mind-body connection.” It’s often associated with using the mind or positivity to help boost the immune system or physically feel better. While that is certainly a helpful boost, we shouldn’t ignore what our bodies can do to help heal our emotions.

Most of us can recall a time growing up where we were discouraged from releasing a painful emotion by well-meaning adults. Parents tell little boys to “be a tough guy” or “shake it off” when they get hurt, while women are encouraged and socialized to discuss their feelings. Our bodies hang on to what happens with our emotions—even if we’ve “talked ourselves out of it.” The physical and emotional impact of unexpressed pain is one that lasts. Unexpressed pain sticks around.

Below are some typical patterns of stored emotion in the body as recognized within the bodywork community. Each person has their own patterns as well, but these are some common patterns :

Infographic courtesy of Nutritional Solutions
Our bodies are aware of the things that our minds would like to push aside. The things that we have forgotten at a conscious level are still present all the time in our bodies. The good news is that it’s never too late to address these issues, and that the results can help with both physical and emotional pain.

A few steps we can take to release unresolved emotion:

• Find a daily physical practice you enjoy. Notice I didn’t say “exercise.” Caring about our health and fitness is important, but the intention here is a physical activity that we love. It helps to choose an activity that quiets your mind a bit. For me, this is yoga. Many people find running to have a meditative quality. It could be as simple as a ten minute quiet walk where you pay attention to your breathing and the sensations in your body. 

• Receive regular bodywork. Therapeutic massage and bodywork are some of the most effective ways I’ve seen (and experienced) for releasing stored emotion. When someone works on those knots in your shoulders you have from long held anger or stress, sometimes emotions will come up. I’ve had clients cry on my table—and sometimes they’ve known and shared why; other times, the pain is old and just hanging on in the muscles, waiting to be released. It’s important to remember that a massage therapist is a facilitator for these things—not a psychotherapist. Through bodywork, we can tap into these stored emotions and begin to process them ourselves, or if needed, with another professional. 

• Make touch a part of your primary relationships. This sounds simple, obvious even. Unfortunately, we have become a very hands-off culture. Fewer and fewer of our daily interactions involve touch. As we rely on social media and smart phones for the bulk of our communication, our relationships often involve less physical contact than we need. Make a point of touching people on the arm or shoulder as you speak with them. Greet friends with a hug. Play a pick-up game of basketball instead of just watching the game. When we begin to remember that we are not just minds stuck inside a body, but body and mind working in concert, we can begin to heal old hurts in a deeper and lasting way.

~ Read more of Kate Bartolotta’s men’s health column, Body Wisdom, on The Good Life. 

Candice Holdorf - Vulnerability Is the Real Strength

In this nice post from The Good Men Project, Candice Holdorf explains why she (and many other women) prefer a man who is in touch with his feelings, and therefore those of his partner. She states, and I cannot agree more (for men AND women), that vulnerability is real strength.

Men, You Get To Have Your Feelings, Too

JUNE 10, 2013 BY CANDICE HOLDORF 

Being more stable and open with our feelings contributes to a better relationship. And a better self. 

I recently experienced what some would call an emotional breakdown. The hippie, new-age Cali girl in me would prefer to think of it as an emotional breakthrough. But yeah, I had a breakdown. 

Anger, unspoken desires, resentment, exhaustion, hunger—all of these conspired to create the perfect storm of matrimonial turbulence. 

Until he finally held my shoulders, looked into my eyes and said, “You get to have your feelings.” Finally, the knot I had been gripping with all my arrogance melted. He had touched the sore place where love does not easily flow. 

The welling tears spilled forth, and my shaking body, caught in the grip of deep climax, collapsed onto his chest.

I could trust this man because I know that in our relationship, he gets to have his feelings too.

♦◊♦

Men seem to be perpetually caught in a paradoxical mind-fuck which dictates that they must be the impenetrable ‘rock’ in the relationship. He can’t have any feelings or those feelings must take a backseat to his partner’s. This belief, while chivalrous in its roots, cripples intimacy. 

The stoic and mysterious Don Draper may certainly be appealing for a night of sensual debauchery, but his relationship track record is pretty wretched. 

To me, being a rock doesn’t mean that a man is bulletproof or fixed. A rock is a porous being. It absorbs the water just as much as it meets and holds it. 

The rock is meant to symbolize constant presence. What that means is a man stays connected no matter what is swirling within himself or his partner. He remains open and permeable, mirroring his partner with equal amounts of honesty 

Vulnerability is the real strength. Someone willing to say what he feels while holding the space for his partner’s experience requires the utmost courage and willingness to stay firmly rooted in the moment. 

When a man is permeable, he is truly feeling his partner and not simply dealing with him/her. The former breeds compassion and trust. The latter usually plays out one of two ways. 

In the first, the man may completely detach from the experience. He essentially waits for his partner to ‘get it over with’ before he returns to the present. 

In the second, the man may settle into the old game of ‘son saves mommy’, leaving both parties completely disempowered as neither will take responsibility for his own experience. The focus becomes on finding someone to ‘fix’ and not on sharing experience authentically. 

As woman, I want a partner, not a caretaker. A playmate, not a parent. Someone who is already whole, not depending on me to make him whole. When a man is in alignment and approval of his own inherent femininity, it opens the door for total, embodied masculinity (which is pretty damn irresistible). 

So men, release the ‘handle-the-problem’ mindset and allow yourself to be penetrated. Your willingness to have your feelings allows me the freedom to share mine. 

Open your heart. Ground into your cock. Breathe. Let your commitment to stay present remain unwavering and speak your truth. That is the real rock we are calling forth from you.

Image Credit: visualpanic/Flickr
Read more about Marriage on The Good Life.

Jayson Gaddis - Why Men Need to Feel Their Feelings

From Role/Reboot, this is a good article from Jayson Gaddis - originally posted at his own blog. This is an important topic for men, and I include myself in needing to pay more attention to this aspect of my life. I've become very attuned to feeling my client's emotions, but I have been paying less attention to my own feelings.

My being shut down lately has made my partner angry and uncomfortable - she feels shut out and that I am not fully invested in our relationship. It's understandable that she feels that way in the absence of any indication from me.

This article from Jayson is a good reminder to get back to being self-aware - because when I was younger, I was exactly as he described himself, "emotionally shut down." I don't want to fall into that trap again.

Why Men Need to Feel Their Feelings

By Jayson Gaddis
May 19, 2013

This originally appeared on JaysonGaddis.com. Republished [at Role/Reboot] with permission.

I was emotionally shut down for years. Every woman I dated had to deal with my inability to identify a feeling. She would ask, “Hey is something bothering you?” I would reply, “No, I’m fine” with a hint of defensiveness.

The closest I ever came to identifying what was really going on was “I’m in a funk.” Many folks know this as feeling off somehow or my personal favorite, “I’m in a bad mood.”

Underneath such comments is an entire emotional landscape that remains largely unexplored. The metaphor I like to use is that of a lake.

When standing on the shore of a large lake, you can see ripples, colors, and reflections. If it is windy or stormy out, the surface of the lake changes and makes it even harder to see beneath the surface. Not until the storm dies down can you begin to see more clearly. When things are still, the lake's surface mirrors its surroundings.

Venture beyond the shoreline and even more possibility opens up. The lake takes on a new perspective. Looking beyond the reflection, it becomes three dimensional and you can see below the surface.

We are very similar. When we are upset, it is hard to see things clearly. The only way to see things clearly is to take some space from the upset, calm down, and gain a new perspective. Why am I mentioning this metaphor?

Because feeling helps you see clearly. And seeing clearly helps you move more freely toward what you want in your life. And when you get what you want, you are more fulfilled.

But Why Is It So Hard For Dudes to Feel?

Contrary to some big generalizations out there, men do in fact feel, but most men were trained as little boys by the “boy code” to not feel. They were trained and taught to suck it up, not cry, etc. For example, as a boy I was trained by my dad and my culture to not feel. To feel meant I would be judged as a wimp, a girl, or even gay. (As if girls or gay people are somehow bad?) So, men do feel, it’s just challenging for many men to know what they are feeling.

So, it’s understandable why many men don’t allow themselves to feel and can’t even identify a feeling. Many adult men are still very scared to feel their feelings because if they do, their fear is they will be judged as not manly, acting like a girl or being weak or gay.

So, most men never venture out beyond the shoreline and certainly don’t look below the surface. Therefore, many men remain locked up, shut down, and not free.

The Cost of Not Being Willing to Feel

1. relationship blues

Sadly, these old fears keep many men locked up around their feelings and lead to very frustrating relationships for women dating these men. Rather than dive in to the unknown waters of intimacy, men stay on the shore, where it is safe. But as any sailor will tell you, a ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for (a William Shedd quote).

Moreover, men who shut down or stuff their feelings remain emotionally constipated and have very little facility or freedom when it comes to intimacy. Then, they keep resisting actual help like couples counseling.

2. narrow bandwidth of expression

If you never let yourself feel grief, anger, sadness and other “negative” emotions, you will have less access to the “positive” emotions such as joy, love, and happiness. The waters you are able to swim and navigate are more shallow. For example, if you avoid “negative” emotions, you might experience some happiness but the depth with which you feel it is limited.

3. you are not free

Staying on the shore, you never really get to test if your vessel is seaworthy. Freedom is the open water of who you are, not the shore.

4. physical problems

Most body workers, massage therapists, and good body-centered, somatic therapists know that the body holds and stores trauma and unexpressed emotion. The more you hold, the more the body has to carry the burden. Your boat begins to decay having never touched water. Stoic men who never learn to feel, are simply in pain.


5. You are less available to give and receive love

If you shut yourself off from your own emotions and never “set sail,” you’ll never know what it is like to swim or sail. The endless terrain that is available to you will remain a distant dream. If you want to feel more love, try feeling all your feelings. Try exploring what lies below the surface farther from the shore.

For the brave who do decide to face the unknown lake of discomfort and painful emotion, what you will experience may shock you. Try it and see what happens. To me it’s something like an elixir.

But Where Do I Start?

1. Get quiet: When you are upset or “in a funk” sit down or lie down and be still. You cannot see below the surface until you are still. Meditation is a tool that can help.

2. Get Curious: Start with the facts before you begin to interpret or try to figure it out. Target three main areas:

a. Thoughts: When did it start? Ask yourself when this feeling started? Was it the fight with your partner last week? Was it a call with your parents? An ex-lover? Did something piss you off at work? Where are your thoughts going and what are they like? 

b. Emotions: What does it feel like? Explore the feeling quality and the sensation that goes along with it. Is it hot? Cold? Tight? Humming? Vibrating? Tense? Soft, Achy? Does it have a color? A tone? Does it radiate? Is it dense? Thick? 

c. Body sensations: Where in your body do you feel it? Is it in your throat? Gut? Chest? Where does it live?

3. Take responsibility for what you are feeling: Name it, begin to articulate it with a friend. For example, “Wow, for the last few days I was locked up. Now I know that it started when ____happened. I have felt tense and irritated ever since. I feel shut down and I don’t want to be around anyone.”

4. Notice what your default behavior is when you feel this way. When you find yourself “in a funk” do you numb out with TV? food? sugar? porn? masturbation? alcohol? drugs? Or do you isolate? Or both?

5. Choose to feel it until it changes. Have the balls to turn toward it. After all, what is the worst thing that could happen?

Want to feel more love and lightness in your life? Then start saying “yes” to feelings you have been saying “no” to. Invite them in and get to know them. As psychotherapist John Welwood says, befriend your emotions.

Jayson Gaddis is a yerba mate addict and a householder. He’s a relationship healer, psychotherapist, and guide devoted to helping people awaken through relationships, intimacy, and parenting. He’s a husband and part-time stay-at-home Dad getting schooled by his two kids.

Related Links:

• Why I've Turned Down Good Men
• The Friday Five
• Why The Personal Is Political

Hannah Tepper - The Scientific Argument for Being Emotional

Writing at Salon, Hannah Tepper examines some new research that suggests our emotions are more important to our health than previously recognized. Tepper speaks with neuroscientist (and Buddhist) Richard Davidson about his new book, written with Sharon Begley, The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live, and How You Can Change Them. 

In our culture, men have been traditionally taught to bury or stuff down our emotions, to show no weakness, no fear, no vulnerability. Repressing emotions causes stress, and stress has been linked to nearly every form of disease we suffer.

Early in the book he lays out a new theory that our brain patterns reveal a specific emotional style for each of us, and that style has six components:

One is Resilience, which refers to how quickly or slowly you recover from adversity. The second is Outlook; the duration that a person’s positive emotion persists. Then there is Context, and that is the extent to which we modulate our emotional responses in a context-appropriate way. So for example, when we are with our boss we know that it’s not permissible to discuss the same topics we might discuss with our spouse. That’s called context modulation. The fourth is Social Intuition, the sensitivity to social cues, the extent to which a person is sensitive to facial expressions or vocal expressions. The fifth is Self Awareness, the extent to which a person is aware of signals within their own body, which are important to emotion. Finally, Attention, how focused or scattered you are. Attention isn’t often thought of as part of emotional style, yet our work indicates that it significantly contributes to a person’s emotional makeup. Is your attention easily pulled by stimuli in the environment or are you able to more skillfully focus your attention on what it is you wish to attend to.

 This is a very informative article - and it's good info for us men.

Neuroscience

Saturday, Feb 25, 2012

The scientific argument for being emotional

New research shows that our feelings are more important to our health than we ever thought. An expert explains

By Hannah Tepper 

 

 (Credit: Salon/DG Strong)

At the end of his second year of Harvard graduate school, neuroscientist and bestselling author Richard Davidson did something his colleagues suspected would mark the end of his academic career: He skipped town and went to India and Sri Lanka for three months to “study meditation.” In the ’70s, just as today, people tended to lump meditation into the new-age category, along with things like astrology, crystals, tantra and herbal “remedies.” But contrary to what his skeptics presumed, not only did Davidson return to resume his studies at Harvard, his trip also marked the beginning of Davidson’s most spectacular body of work: neuroscientific research indicating that meditation (and other strictly mental activity) changes the neuroplasticity of the brain.

Thirty years later, Davidson is still researching and writing about the intersection of neuroscience and emotion — he currently teaches psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. In his new book, written with Sharon Begley, The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live, and How You Can Change Them, Davidson lays out a fascinating theory that parses out emotional style into six dimensions, giving readers a better understanding of where they stand on this emotional plane and how emotional styles affect the qualities of their everyday lives.

Last week Salon spoke over the phone with Davidson about how Botox injections disrupt our ability to emote, the connection between happiness and health, and why emotion has been unfairly and historically underappreciated.

There’s been stigma around the study of emotion in the past. Some people still frame emotion as pointless metaphysical leftovers that result from physiological processes. I think that your work has really come to show that that’s not true. In your view, what are the evolutionary and practical purposes of emotion and does it have intrinsic value?
I think that emotions are such an important part of our experience and behavior.. They came about over the course of evolution for a reason; to promote survival — to facilitate the adaptation of organisms to their environment. Emotions evolved to solve specific kinds of problems that arose over the course of our history. They wouldn’t be such a robust part of our experience if they didn’t have this deep evolutionary origin. Having said that, it’s also the case that we now live in an environment that is vastly different from our evolutionary origins. So some of the emotions that played a very important role in our past can be maladaptive when they are triggered in response to stimuli in our current environment. This is why developing strategies to better regulate our emotions may be particularly important for us now.

In the book you talk about some really fascinating research suggesting that emotional outlook, happiness or depression, can have a direct influence on our health.
There is an intuition in the popular culture that our emotions have something to do with our physical health, but we are just beginning to explore this connection. In our own research, we examined both the brain activity and peripheral biology of a group of individuals by giving them flu shots. It turns out that people who have a more resilient brain profile are the ones who actually have a bigger boost in their immune response when they get a flu vaccine. What it suggests is that more resilient individuals, when exposed to the flu virus, are conferred much greater immunity than a person with a vulnerable emotional style. It suggests that these brain circuits directly communicate with peripheral biological processes, in this case certain features of the immune system, and directly regulate them in ways that are consequential for our health.

In the beginning of the book, you talk about a discovery that set the course of your career in motion — this distinction between people with more right prefrontal cortical activity and those with more activity in their left prefrontal cortex.
We had been doing research looking at the neural correlates of particular short-lived emotions. We were specifically looking at neural changes during different fleeting facial expressions. The idea that we could actually identify brain mechanisms that underlie different emotional styles was not in the lexicon of science in the past. At that time the neuroscientific study of emotion was conducted mostly in rats and focused on subcortical brain regions, regions below the cortex.

What we noticed was that this right versus left activation patterns of the prefrontal cortex varied more across people than it did within one person during different emotions. So we did further studies to demonstrate that these individual variations were actually consistent for a person over time and directly related to important features of their mood and emotional styles. That’s what really launched us into thinking about emotional style and its brain bases.

Was it surprising that the prefrontal cortex was involved in emotion?
Well many psychologists and neuroscientists at that time regarded the prefrontal cortex as exclusively involved in higher cognitive function because the prefrontal cortex is among the most recent to develop over the course of evolution. In many ways it was regarded as the seat of the highest form of reason in humans. This assumption that the prefrontal cortex could not possibly be involved in emotion is, I think, part of a historical anachronism that regarded thought and feeling as two completely separate realms.

Read the whole article.

Daily Om - Sitting with Feelings

This was the Daily Om from a couple of weeks back - I've been wanting to post it here because I think that learning to sit with our feelings (not stuff them down, not self-medicate them, not act them out in inappropriate ways) is something most of us - men and women - can be better at, especially when the feelings are challenging or we have little experience controlling our affect.

This piece talks about listening to our bodies and becoming more embodied can help us to know and accept our feelings more easily. Learning these skills, which are based around mindfulness, can help us increase our emotional intelligence.

As the Earth Allows the Rain: Sitting with Feelings
February 8, 2012

Taking the time now to sit with your feelings and acknowledge them will save you much distress down the road.

It can take great courage to really sit with our feelings, allowing ourselves to surrender to their powerful energies. All too often we set our feelings aside, thinking we will deal with them later. If we don’t deal with them, we end up storing them in our minds and bodies and this is when anxiety and other health issues can arise. Denying what our bodies want to feel can lead to trouble now or down the line, which is why being in the thick of our feelings, no matter how scary it seems, is really the best thing we can do for ourselves.

One of the reasons we tend to hide or push aside our feelings is that we live in a culture that has not traditionally supported emotional awareness. However, as the connection between mind and body--our emotions and our physical health-- becomes clearer, awareness of the importance of feeling our feelings has grown. There are many books, classes, workshops and retreats that can help us on our way to emotional intelligence. We can also trust in our own ability to process what comes up when it comes up. If sadness arises, we can notice its presence and welcome it, noting where in our bodies we feel it, and allowing ourselves to express it through tears or a quiet turning inward.

When we simply allow ourselves to fully feel our feelings as they come, we tend to let them go easily. This is all we are required to do; our feelings simply want to be felt. We often complicate the situation by applying mental energy in the form of analysis, when all we really need is to allow, as the earth allows the rain to fall upon it. As the rain falls, the earth responds in a multitude of ways, sometimes emptying out to form a great canyon, sometimes soaking it up to nourish an infinitude of plants. In the same way, the deeper purpose of our feelings is to transform the terrain of our inner world, sometimes creating space for more feelings to flow, sometimes providing sustenance for growth. All we need to do is allow the process by relaxing, opening, and receiving the bounty of our emotions.

What do you think?

Discuss this article and share your opinion

"Man Child" - A Quote from Audre Lorde

My clinical supervisor suggested I read  this essay today (we had a good chat about gender issues and feminism) - and this quote literally slapped me upside the head.

The subject came up when she told me about one of her first male clients in the U.S. (she is from Italy), a man who described himself as a feminist and said he hated being a man. She responded with, "Well, that's a problem." Not what he expected to hear in a society that often rewards men for being self-hating.

Anyway, for a good portion of my life, this article described me. I was that man child afraid of my own emotions, afraid to feel.

"Men who are afraid to feel must keep women around to do their feeling for them while dismissing us for the same supposedly “inferior” capacity to feel deeply. But in this way also, men deny themselves their own essential humanity, becoming trapped in dependency and fear."
~ Audre Lorde, "Man Child," Sister Outsider, p. 74