Kevin Durant's MVP Speech Honors His Mother in its Authentic Gratitude

The image here is the full-page ad Nike bought in the Oklahoman 
to honor Kevin Durant's MVP award.

Back in 2010, I wrote about how Kevin Durant handled his contract extension (he was not even a free agent yet) with the Oklahoma City Thunder (formerly the Seattle Sonics) while LeBron James made this HUGE media circus called The Decision (it has its own Wikipedia page - how many other player decisions in which team s/he will play with have their own Wikipedia page?).

So Kevin Durant is back in the news, having (at age 25) won his first NBA Most Valuable Player award (to go with several scoring titles). Likely, this is also the first of many.

He gave a very heart-felt and moving acceptance speech, thanking all of his teammates, especially Russell Westbrook, and also thanking all of his coaches.

But what really tugged at the heartstrings was the thank you he gave to his mother. How beautiful to see an athlete show such integrity on the biggest stage of his young career.

Here is the whole speech:


Some time markers for those who want to get to the point:

3:40 Durant individually thanks his teammates
13:05 Durant speaks about his bond with Russell Westbrook
18:12 Durant thanks his coaches
21:00 Durant thanks his family and his mom

 

Here is the USA Today story on the NBA using a Durant's words about his mother in a new Mothers' Day commercial.

When Kevin Durant gave his speech after winning the MVP, he gave his mother perhaps the best Mother’s Day present of all.

The Oklahoma City Thunder star touchingly said his mother was the “real MVP” at the end of his speech, giving way to a standing ovation for his mother and tears from mothers around the world.

The speech is now part of a new NBA ‘Mother’s Day’ commercial. Because while we can’t all thank our moms with a touching speech after winning the NBA MVP award, we can certainly remind her that she’s the MVP in our life.

Or at least send flowers. Helpful reminder: It’s Sunday.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the Moms out there
who have or are raising authentic young men!

Safe Space Radio - Violence and Shame w/ Dr. Jim Gilligan

Good information - when children grow up with shame, when they become teens and adults, shame and disrespect become triggers for dysfunction. And if those kids grow up in a place where violence is endemic, then that dysfunction will often take violence as its form.

Dr. James Gillligan is the author of several books, including Violence: Reflections on a National Epidemic and Preventing Violence: Prospects for Tomorrow. He believes that punishment does not work - we must educate and raise mentally healthy children.

Violence and Shame

An interview with psychiatrist, Dr. Jim Gilligan, former mental health director for the prison system in Massachusetts, and the author of three books on violence.   Dr. Gilligan reports that many of his patients told him that they had committed murder and other acts of violence because they felt disrespected.  He reports that for these men, feeling treated as if they were one down, weak or inferior was intolerable, and that violence was their only means of reclaiming pride or self-esteem.  He also observes that punishment tends to generate violence, both in parenting and in our penal system.  Punishment relieves people of  the guilt (that inhibits violence), but increases their shame, which fuels violent acting out.  Under his tenure, the only prison program that successfully reduced recidivism to zero,  was offering course toward a college degree. In those men who completed the program, they now had non-violent means of reclaiming their self-esteem, and feeling less ashamed.

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This show aired on April 25th, 2012.

For a little added education, here is a lecture from Dr. Gilligan on education as a preventative for violence.

Dr. James Gilligan - Youth and violence The role of education inspiring solutions

Dr. James Gilligan is on the faculty of New York University where he is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine, Adjunct Professor in the School of Law, and Collegiate Professor in the School of Arts and Science. He is married to Carol Gilligan.

For 30 years, Dr. Gilligan was on the faculty of the Department of Psychiatry at the Harvard Medical School, where he directed the mental health and violence prevention services for the Massachusetts prison system. He has served as a consultant on violent crime and punishment, including war crimes, throughout the United States and around the world.

Dr. Gillligan is the author of several works, including Violence: Reflections on a National Epidemic and Preventing Violence: Prospects for Tomorrow. In his writings, Dr Gilligan argues that overwhelming feelings of shame and humiliation lie at the root of both individual and collective violence; violence in its many forms thus becomes a desperate and risky attempt to gain respect and recognition.

Dr. Gilligan has become one of the leading exponents of shifting our emphasis from punishing violence after it occurs to preventing it before it happens.

FORA.tv - Male Role Models: Preventing Violence Against Women

This is a very short video from FORA.tv (under 5 minutes) from the WIE Forum (Women: Inspiration and Enterprise) - Tony Porter talks about how men have been conditioned to devalue women, and that to change this we need to recruit men who other men look up to who can set a different and better example.

Tony Porter, co-founder of A Call to Men, stresses the importance of positive role models for young boys - men who both speak out and live a life against domestic violence.


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WIE Inspiration Day: Men Playing Their Part for Women and Children's Health


Sarah Brown
Global Patron of the White Ribbon Alliance for Safe Motherhood


Babatunde Osetimehin
Director of the United Nations Population Fund


Ray Chambers
Co-founder, Malaria No More


Mark Dybul
Co-director, Georgetown's O'Neill Institute for National and Global Health Law


John Tedstrom
President of the GBCHealth


Tonte Ibraye
Head of WRA Nigeria


Tony Porter
Co-founder, A Call to Men


WIE Network is a next generation media company that aims to inspire social change through the creation of engaging and inspirational filmed content, large scale forums and innovative social media programs. The company's properties include the annual women's conference, The WIE Symposium; WIE Interact, an online social network for women, and a new online reputation service to be announced. Other projects include a feature film about legendary African heroine Yaa Asantewaa; and a documentary that explores the role of forgiveness in conflict resolution around the world.

Bill Patrick - 10 Things Men Can Do To Celebrate Mother’s Day

Bill Patrick at XY offers 10 fairly tradition and still important ways to honor mothers on this holiday devoted to those who act as the vessels for bringing new life into the world. The joke is often told that if men had to give birth, humanity might be extinct by now. Maybe, maybe not, but giving birth is the easy part - nearly all women can do that. Mothering - the involved, compassionate, supportive action of parenting a child - that is the thing we should be celebrating today.

10 Things Men Can Do To Celebrate Mother’s Day

Sun, 08 May 2011 - Bill Patrick

It is Mother’s Day, the one day of the year when we finally take a moment to honor the immense and continuing sacrifices that mothers make – first to bring babies into the world and then to raise those babies to adulthood, all the while uttering a quiet but fervent prayer that those children will have safe, healthy, happy, and fulfilling lives. Sadly, not all mothers are good mothers, and, tragically, not all children will be born into situations where they will have the opportunity to have a life that is safe, healthy, happy, and fulfilling.

But the reality is that the vast majority of the world’s mothers are good mothers. And the vast majority of them would give their lives – without a second thought – for their kids. The amount that women sacrifice for their children cannot be overstated. The great physical changes that a mother experiences within her body while carrying and delivering a baby are only the beginning of this lifelong journey. And the lifelong sacrifices of mothers who adopt babies are also immense. Stepmothers, too, often deserve a medal for the selfless gifts of love that they give to their stepkids. All of these women are heroic.

(Heroic too are women who are not mothers. It is critical in our celebration of mothers not to repeat the highly offensive cultural message that would have us believe that women who do not raise children of their own are somehow less admirable than women who do. Just because every woman had a mother does not mean that every woman must become a mother. The world is full of brilliant, amazing women who have not raised children of their own – sometimes by fate, sometimes by choice. And these women are to be celebrated, as well!)

Ways that men can celebrate mothers. But today is, after all, Mother’s Day, so let us think about how we as men can best honor on this day the women in our lives who are in fact mothers. There is so much that we can do! Start with bringing them breakfast in bed – and then continue with doing all of the cooking and cleaning and the bathing of kids and all of the other household chores so that the mothers in our lives might have a day of relaxing fun with their children. For any man who has a mother in his life – whether it is his own mother, the mother of his children, or simply a mother he knows – performing those tasks is a good starting point. But there is so much more that we can do… today and every day!

So let's get started!

1. Today, make sure that you are treating your own mother with respect and kindness. If your mother is still living, ask yourself: are you kind to her? Or are you cruel? Do you listen to her – or do you interrupt her? Do you take time to hear her stories and learn from her experiences – or do you ignore her wisdom? Mothers have so much to teach us – if only we take the time to listen.

2. Today, make sure that you are treating the mother of your children with respect and kindness. If you have children with a woman, are you kind to her? Do you give her attention, affirmation, affection, and respect? Do you help her when she struggles? Do you take on her burdens when it becomes too much for her to carry them alone? Do you try to make her life easier? Do you support her in her own hopes and dreams for the future? If not, you should. You must. Today and every day.

3. Today, make sure that you are doing your utmost to be a full partner in parenting. If you co-parent with a woman, do you do your equal share in the feeding, bathing, and cleaning up after the kids? Do you take them to their doctor and dentist appointments? Do you stay home when your kids are sick? Or is all of this left to your partner… every time? Men’s role in childrearing is steadily increasing. Just not fast enough. We should aim for truly equitable participation in raising our kids. Every day.

4. Today, if you provide child support, is it paid on time and in full? Have you thrown in a little extra money from time-to-time, aware as you are that the cost of raising children is generally far higher than whatever a court orders you to pay? Have you made sure that your investment in your kids so outweighs any resentment you may feel toward their mother that you have dropped the fight and withdrawn from the battlefield with only the best interests of your kids in mind? If not, you should do it today. And each and every day forward you should live up to your new commitment to no longer wage war on the mother of your children.

5. Today, have you ensured that you are not abusive or controlling in any way to your partner? If you are, you need to stop. Right now! No excuses! There is never any excuse for mistreating another person. Ever. If your home is not a place of peace, you need to do your part to ensure that it becomes one – even if this means removing yourself from the situation. No child deserves to grow up in a war zone. And no adult should have to live in one, either.

6. Today, have you worked to end violence and abuse against all women, whether they are mothers or not? I think we can all agree that it is wrong to abuse a child’s mother. Yet it happens all the time. And it is equally wrong to abuse any woman, regardless of her maternal status. All women deserve to be safe from mistreatment. It is simply not enough to be nonviolent yourself. (This is an essential starting point, but it is not enough.) If your home is in fact a place of peace, then focus your attention beyond your doorstep – and work to bring peace in homes where there is none. Today and every day.

7. Today, have you worked to build a better world for the children of the mothers in your life? Most mothers have beautiful dreams for their children. What have you done today to help make those dreams come true? What will you do tomorrow? How will you make the world better for kids? For all of our boys? For all of our girls? What will you do?

8. Today, have you begun to develop plans to encourage your workplace to become more family friendly? To offer decent maternity leave? And if your workplace offers paternity leave, have you made plans to encourage men to take it? Do you have a plan in place to develop spaces where women can breastfeed or use a pump in comfort and privacy in the workplace? (A room that has a shared toilet in it does not qualify as an acceptable place to nurse or to pump!) Are you working on plans to set up flexible work schedules, job sharing, and on-site childcare? If not, let it begin today. And let it continue tomorrow.

9. Today, have you worked for full equality for women everywhere?

10. And, finally, today, did you remember to get flowers and a card? If not, there’s a good chance that there’s still time! Get out there and do it… it is the right thing to do. And have a happy Mother’s Day!

Tags: men, mothers, sons, respect, parenting, Mothers' Day, XY, Bill Patrick, mothering, mom, celebrate, 10 Things Men Can Do To Celebrate Mother’s Day

Justice Marshall on Getting Respect in Relationships

This is a nice question and answer on how men get respect from their partners in relationship. For many men in the authoritarian to self-directed stages of development (Blue and Orange in Spiral Dynamics), respect is a critical issue in partnerships, so this is a great bit of wisdom.

Respect is a difficult issue for some men, primarily because they think it comes from being dominant and controlling - this is what many of us learned from our fathers. But the reality is much different.

Respect comes when we have earned it through compassion and control of ourselves - not from controlling others. For people in the stages I mentioned, there needs to be a realization that men must learn how to treat others by how they treat themselves. How we relate to our own strengths and weaknesses says a lot about we will treat others. Justice addresses those issues here.

“I’m not getting the Passion and Respect I want in my relationship… AND her sister is driving us apart.”

11 May, 2009 | Written by justicemarshall

I received this letter from a reader recently:

Dear Justice,

I read your book and I really appreciate how your e-mails help me keep my eye on my goal of being a good boyfriend.

The thing is, I live with my girlfriend’s sister and there have been a number of things that make it so hard to keep a normal relationship. About 2 years ago Melinda (my girlfriend) lost her mother who was a stay at home mom, cooked and cleaned, and went above and beyond for her kids. Now her dad has met someone else who is a very bad influence in his life. Melinda’s sister (Katie) couldn’t live with her dad any more because he kept bringing this person around, so Katie is living with us.

The main problem is that anytime I try to have a conversation about how I’m feeling about how Katie is acting, doing, not doing… my girlfriend brings up everything she’s been through over the last 2 years including things in our relationship that I’ve messed up on. I’m all for being the HERO and I would love to be a better man in this kind of situation. I’ve made a list of all the things that I feel I’m missing in my relationship and things Katie is doing that make me upset, and you can tell me what you think or what you would do.

Katie:

• Does not try do make a financial contribution to the household.
• She does not respect me.
• She does not care about my privacy.
• She does not take an interest in how her sister is feeling.
• She’s not a person of her word.
• And she does not do anything that in some way won’t benefit her.

Things missing from my relationship:

• Passion.
• Respect.
• Compassion.
• Communication.
• Trust.
• Acceptance.
• Laughter.
• Romance.
  

Please Help,

Adam

My Response:

Dear Adam,

Here’s the bottom line:
Every time you blame or put your focus “over there” on someone else, you miss the point.
You dis-empower yourself.

If you will accept that challenges arise without necessarily being anyone’s “fault”, then you will be better equipped to rise to those challenges and find the opportunity within them.

Ultimately the opportunity is always some version of this: Be present, open your heart, and keep growing into the man you are capable of being. That is what your life and relationship challenges are all about. This is NOT to say that you shouldn’t take action. Quite the contrary. You just want to be sure the action you take reflects your truest values and your most empowered, wisest self. In other words, you want to act from your True Hero Nature… right?

My intention in writing The Hero Principles is to provide a map, a compass to help guide your actions and keep you on your hero path. For example, if you decide that it’s time for you and your girlfriend to have your own space back, and for her sister to move out, make sure you are clear that you are taking a stand FOR your relationship, not AGAINST her sister. And remember Hero Principle #4: Do it Powerfully. Provide support and guidance to both of these women to the best of your ability.

When I look at your list of the things missing from your relationship, I can really relate. I’ve been there, and I’ve seen many men work through similar circumstances.

So here is the answer to your question. Here is the best way (perhaps the ONLY way) to bring these missing qualities into your relationship:

Start living them in every part of your life right now. Give YOURSELF what you want so desperately from her.

You want PASSION in your relationship.
Are you following your own life PASSION?
Are you living purposefully?
Are you playing full-out?
Do you have friends that support and inspire you?
Is your work meaningful?

You want RESPECT in your relationship.
How much RESPECT do you show yourself every day?
Do you take care of your health… Mentally, physically, and spiritually?

You want COMPASSION in your relationship.
How much COMPASSION do you show yourself?
How kind are you to YOU?

You want COMMUNICATION in your relationship.
How well do you COMMUNICATE with you?
Do you listen to your own wisdom?
Do you know your heart?

You want TRUST and ACCEPTANCE in your relationship.
How fully do you TRUST and ACCEPT yourself?

You want LAUGHTER in your relationship.
Can you lovingly laugh at yourself?
Can you meet your challenges with humor?

You want ROMANCE in your relationship.
Will you ROMANCE yourself, basking in the glow of your own heart?
Will you let yourself enjoy the beauty and inspiration of all of life, regardless of your girlfriend’s mood?

Do you see what I’m getting at here?
The more you give these things to yourself, the more you embody them in every moment, the more you will become a magnet for attracting them from others.

Look at each of the qualities that you named right now and make an honest assessment - How fully you are living each one? What are you willing to do to bring more of these qualities into your life right now, regardless of Melinda, Katie or anyone else? Choose one action that you will commit to for each quality. Write it down and share it with a friend. Email it to me or post it on this blog.

Is this the only answer to your question? No. If you were my client, we would go more deeply into helping you understand and respond effectively to these issues. But I can tell you with certainty - this is how you begin. This is the foundation.

Whether you choose to work with a coach or not, please find a men’s group and/or accountability partner. Bring yourself into the company of men who will support and challenge you to be your best.

Even the best of us can’t always do it alone.

Thanks for stretching your edge and doing your best. The world needs men like you.

All My Best,

Justice

Tags: masculinity, responsibility, respect, relationships, Justice Marshall, Getting Respect in Relationships, passion, The Hero Principles