10 Movies That Make Men Cry (Esquire)

Just to be clear, it's okay for men to cry when they are not at the movies, as well. This Top 10 List from Esquire includes some good movies, and some serious tear-jerkers, but there are also some omissions worth noting.  

One of the best movies to make me cry is Whale Rider. Paikea's speech is especially poignant because she has been told that females cannot be leaders. Her grandfather is the man who has tried to enforce the old traditions, seeking a new leader for their people. Pai has invited him to the school concert to see her performance and she eagerly, then sadly, waits for his arrival, which never happens.

What movies make you cry and are not listed here?

I often "prescribe" a sad movie to clients who are emotionally stuck (men more often than women), so I would like to compile a longer list. Help me out, please.

10 Movies That Make Men Cry

Because it's okay to tear up in the theater

By Nick Schager on June 9, 2014

Scores of adolescent girls are heading to theaters to cry their eyes out over The Fault in Our Stars, an adaptation of John Green's popular young-adult novel about a girl stricken with cancer (played by Divergent's Shailene Woodley) who falls in love with a boy (newcomer Ansel Elgort) also attempting to overcome a battle with the fatal disease. It's a teen romance with a healthy dose of tragedy, and one designed to get its target female audience's waterworks flowing. But what about guys? Don't they get to shed a tear or two over the movies as well? In this summer season of stuff blowing up and superheroes saving the world from all manner of out-of-this-world monsters, we think men should remember that, when it comes to the right film — be it about sports, family, or war — it's never shameful to sob. As such, we present the ten best male weepies in movie history.

A Perfect World (1993)

The first of this list's two Kevin Costner-headlined dramas — both of which are rooted in the relationship between parents and children — Clint Eastwood's superb A Perfect World tugs at the heartstrings via the story of an outlaw (Costner) who takes a young boy hostage and, in the process, becomes his surrogate father figure. Their final parting is enough to make even the stoutest man misty-eyed.

Brian's Song (1971)

A 1971 TV movie that's attained legendary status as a work that no man's tear ducts can resist, Brian's Song tells the alternately mournful and inspiring tale of football player Brian Piccolo (James Caan), who was ultimately felled by cancer. His relationship with friend Gale Sayers (Billy Dee Williams) is the stuff of archetypal male camaraderie, and Sayers's speech about his friend is one of the movies' all-time four-hankie moments.

Schindler's List (1993)

Any number of Holocaust films — be they fictional, based on real events, or documentary in nature — could easily fit this list's bill. But few are as emotionally forceful and eloquent as Steven Spielberg's 1993 epic, whose portrait of courage amidst unthinkable horrors remains nothing short of overwhelmingly moving.

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

A movie about injustice, suffering, and the unbreakable bond forged between two unlikely allies (Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman), The Shawshank Redemption mixes tragedy and uplift to create a male-oriented melodrama perfect for eliciting tears. If Red's reunion with Andy doesn't make you a blubbering mess, nothing will.

The Bicycle Thief (1948)

Of all the neorealist masterpieces to come out of post-WWII Italy, none is as profoundly moving as Vittorio De Sica's The Bicycle Thief, about a poor man's search for his stolen bicycle, which he needs to earn a living for his family. The last scene, between forlorn father and devoted son, is one of cinema's most quietly devastating.

Big Fish (2003)

A fantastical ode to extraordinary fathers — and the simultaneous love, jealousy, and resentment they inspire in their sons — Tim Burton's Big Fish tells the story of one man's process of truly learning about his larger-than-life dad at the very moment he must begin to let him go. Inspired by Fellini's 8 ½, its climactic parade through a lifetime's worth of friends and loved ones is pure male weepie gold.

Toy Story 3 (2010)

Every adult once loved a childhood toy, and thus Toy Story 3's saga about growing up and permanently separating from those cherished playthings — as well as passing them on to future generations — strikes a universal chord, as manipulatively sentimental to men as it is to women and children. The final farewell between Andy and Woody is a bittersweet one for the ages.

Babe (1995)

A children's fable about a farmer and his pig would hardly seem to be prime crying-jag material for your average macho moviegoer. Nonetheless, Babe's buildup to its triumphant finale is so sweetly funny, and bolstered by such a fantastic performance by James Cromwell, that the farmer's expression of acceptance and love for his swine is apt to soften even the hardest heart.

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

Saving Private Ryan's clunky bookending scenes may be a misstep. Yet they do little to fundamentally undercut Steven Spielberg's harrowing and poignant portrait of American men — led by Tom Hanks, in a performance of affecting everyman heroism — thrust into extraordinary life-and-death WWII circumstances, and the struggles they must endure, and sacrifices they must make, to survive.

Field of Dreams (1989)

Baseball, fathers, sons, nostalgia, ghostly reunions, and a general air of wholesome middle-American romanticism: Field of Dreams is still the ultimate male weepie. When Kevin Costner's corn farmer finally gets to play catch with his dad, the only people who can resist the moment's waterworks-courting power are those who don't like sports. Or dads. Or feelings.

Honorable Mention:

• The Natural
• Forest Gump
• The Pride of the Yankees
• Gladiator
• Rudy

~ Nick Schager is a New York City-area film critic and journalist who also contributes to The Village Voice, Time Out New York, Vulture, The A.V. Club, The Dissolve, The Atlantic, SF Weekly, Film Journal International, and Slant Magazine. In his scant spare time, he sleeps.

A Color-Coded Introduction to "Man Crying™" from the Good Men Project

This bit of fun comes from the Good Men Project, posted by Mark Greene.

Is Your Man “Choppin’ Onions?” A Color Coded Introduction to Man Crying™

APRIL 28, 2013 BY MARK GREENE

We support a man crying, but first you have to figure out if he’s actually doing it or not.

Men are crying! That’s right. You heard it here first! And as they get their emotional fluids on, we at the Good Men Project are here to help you identify the sometimes subtle indications that a Man Crying™ event has actually taken place. The Good Men Project’s Color-Coded Man Crying™ Diagnostics Chart is helping significant others identify real world incidents of this evolutionary cultural shift! Just listen to what one of our many happy and satisfied readers has to say:

”Thank you so much for introducing me to the subtle and nuanced art of Man Crying™. Your rating chart has really opened my eyes. And all along I thought my husband just had gas pains. Who knew men had emotions? It’s so sweet! “
- Signed Ms. Gertrude Bagger, Baton Rouge, LA

And now, here’s your very own copy of the GMP’s Official Color-Coded Man Crying™ Diagnostics Chart.

"Our Hearts Are Broken Today" - President Obama on Connecticut School Shooting

By now, most everyone knows that a young man went into an elementary school in Newton, CT, and opened fire with a pair of semi-automatic pistols, after first shooting his mother at their home. At the school, 26 people were killed it total - 20 of them were children, as well as the principal and a school psychologist.

Preliminary reports suggest the young man had a personality disorder - he also died in the massacre.

Christian Science Monitor offered the video of President Obama's statement - in which he cried. This is without question the most real and human presidential statement I have EVER seen in my 45 years. Fuck the political issues, this is a man who cares deeply and passionately about the nation he serves.

In a very real way, Obama's tears offered some Americans (if not many) a validation and a mirror of their own horrific feelings, as well as their fears. Some days, as he mentions, he is a father first, and a human being, and then he is President of the United States. This is what leadership looks like on the worst possible day in the lives of those who survive their murdered family members.

Video - Obama on Conn. shooting: 'Our hearts are broken today'

Obama on Conn. shooting, speaking at the White House, called for 'meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics.' At this point, he didn't offer specifics.

By Linda Feldmann, Staff writer / December 14, 2012


His full statement:

This afternoon, I spoke with Governor Malloy and FBI Director Mueller. I offered Governor Malloy my condolences on behalf of the nation and made it clear he will have every single resource he needs to investigate this heinous crime, care for the victims, counsel their families.

We've endured too many of these tragedies in the past few years and each time I hear the news, I react not as a president but as anybody else would as a parent. And that was especially true today. I know there's not a parent in America who doesn't feel the same overwhelming grief that I do.

The majority of those who died today were children. Beautiful little kids between the ages of five and 10 years old. They had their entire lives ahead of them: birthdays, graduations, weddings [wipes away tears], kids of their own.

Among the fallen were also teachers, men and women who devoted their lives to helping our children fulfill their dreams. So our hearts are broken today. For the parents, grandparents, sisters and brothers of these little children. And for the families of the adults who were lost.

Our hearts are broken for the parents of the survivors as well. For as blessed as they are to have their children home tonight, they know that their children's innocence has been torn away from them too early, and there are no words that will ease their pain.

As a country, we have been through this too many times. Whether it's an elementary school in Newtown or a shopping mall in Oregon or a temple in Wisconsin or a movie theater in Aurora, or a street corner in Chicago, these neighborhoods are our neighborhoods, and these children are our children. And we're going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics.

This evening, Michelle and I will do what I know every parent in America will do, which is hug our children a little tighter, and we'll tell them that we love them, and we'll remind each other how deeply we love one another. But there are families in Connecticut who cannot do that tonight, and they need all of us, right now. In the hard days to come, that community needs us to be at our best as Americans, and I will do everything in my power as President to help.

Because while nothing can fill the space of a lost child or loved one, all of us can extend a hand to those in need, to remind them that we are there for them, that we are praying for them, that the love they felt for those they lost endures not just in their memories, but also in ours.

May God bless the memory of the victims. And in the words of scripture, "Heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds."

Derek Whitney - Why Is It So Hard for Men to Cry?

One of my earliest memories, when I was maybe three or four years old, is standing near the front door of the house we lived in, wearing a belt with a gun holster and gun, a red bandana around my neck, and my mother trying to put a little cowboy hat on my head. I may also have been wearing cowboy boots.

And I was crying.

I have flashed on this memory many times in the last 20 or 30 years, but I just now realized, as I began writing this, that the reason I was crying was because my mother wanted me to go outside and be photographed sitting on a horse that was in our suburban grass yard. The photographer took his horse house to house taking pictures of boys and girls as cowboys and cowgirls. I have a picture of my father at about the same age I was, taken around 1930 or 1931.

But I had never in my life seen a real live horse. It was huge, and a little cranky after being around kids all day. I was terrified of it, and as much as I liked cowboys then, I did not want to sit on that enormous animal - no way, no how. My mother would not take "No, I don't want to," for an answer. So I was crying.

And I will always remember her words, the first time I can recall hearing them, but certainly not the last. "Big boys don't cry. Now, stop your crying." Somehow, and I don't remember how, I ended up on that horse and the picture was taken.

Why is it so hard for men to cry? Because we hear this message that "big boys/men don't cry" from our parents, our peers, our teachers, our coaches, and the culture at large, from the beginning of our lives forward.

When I say the beginning, I mean that literally. When infants are born, boys cry more and appear to need more comforting than girls. By the end of the first year, this is no longer the case - boys cry less and seek less frequent attention and comforting. As Daniel Stern has outlined his research, infants learn a lot from non-verbal, intersubjective communication.

These messages are re-enforced repeatedly, with the correlated accusation that crying is "girlie," and being girlie means we are not masculine.

In the end, this changes with parents first and foremost - as is shown in this quote from an article posted last year at the Good Men Project, Real Men Do Cry:

I raised four boys. The culture told me and them that it wasn’t okay to cry. I said to the boys ” f*ck the culture, it’s okay for you to cry.” How could I have possibly raised four healthy boys into men if they couldn’t cry? What is it about our culture that says “it’s sissy for men to cry or they need to cry privately?” Relationships are hard enough, but to tell men to shutdown, that crying is for sissies, or to be vulnerable is unacceptable does not make for a happy life.

I’ve been with my boys when they had to cry and it was OK. They felt safe enough to do it, it opened their heart up, and they were able to express to me what was going on.

If we want to raise good men, men who are in touch with their emotions and able to cry, then we need more mothers (and fathers) like Sherri Rosen (the author of the above quote).

That's my take on this topic - here is another view, from Derek Whitney.

Why Is It So Hard for Men to Cry?

By Derek Whitney

 

Although science insists that crying is natural, culture still sends messages that strong men don’t cry. 

Many parents raise their sons to cry privately, if at all. It is ingrained in many men that masculine identity means holding back the tears except during times of extreme grief. Although women have also accepted this view, more women are voicing their belief that men and boys should be encouraged to express sensitive emotions. 

One thing seems certain, though: History and biology side with tears.

Tears of Champions

Until recently, many cultures believed that tears were a sign of manliness. World history and literature are filled with male leaders who cried publicly. Tears meant that a man lived by a code of values and cared enough to show emotion when things went wrong. Medieval warriors and Japanese samurai cried during times of epic tragedy. In Western culture, a man’s capacity to cry indicated his honesty and integrity. Abraham Lincoln used strategic tears during his speeches, and modern presidents have followed suit. Despite all this, until recently, men shedding tears have been viewed as less than masculine.

After decades of berating men for their tears, culture seems to be returning to the idea that crying is a male strength. A recent Penn State study found that participants considered a man’s tears to be a sign of honesty while a woman’s tears showed emotional weakness. In both sexes, a delicate misting of the eye was more acceptable than crying.

Tears and Health

Health research has found many benefits to crying. When people suppress the urge to cry, emotions that would have been expressed through tears are bottled up instead. The underlying biochemistry affects the body differently than if the feelings had found a physical release. Over time, repressed emotions can trigger physiological changes that manifest in clinical symptoms such as high blood pressure.

Social scientists have found correlations between men’s crying and their mental health. A study published in the journal Psychology of Men & Masculinity found that football players who cried about game outcomes reported higher levels of self-esteem. They felt secure enough to shed tears in front of their teammates and seemed less concerned about peer pressure.

When to Hold the Tears

With so much feel-good press about embracing feelings, it’s easy to forget that sometimes stoicism is the better course. Emergencies usually mean postponing tears in order to accomplish vital tasks. Combat soldiers can’t stop in the middle of battle to have a good cry. In fact, since most combat soldiers have been men, warfare throughout the centuries may have contributed to the cultural rise of the tough, tearless hero.

Crisis personnel need to maintain calm in the field just as soldiers d. Men dominate law enforcement, the military and most public safety fields. These men have a professional mandate to keep emotionally steady, which sets a model for overall behavior.

Even in daily life, feelings alone rarely solve problems. Men may be healthier for allowing themselves to cry, but they often have personal reasons for keeping cool. Family hardships, for example, often require postponing tears in order to be strong for others who are in more pain. A calm demeanor doesn’t mean a man is in denial any more than tears mean he is emotionally unstable.

As cultural winds shift back toward acceptance of the emotional man, men and women will continue to adjust their personal lives around the idea. Some men maintain that raising a strong boy means discouraging tears. Others feel that the women in their lives only want to see male vulnerability when it’s convenient. As with most behaviors, crying is more appropriate in some situations than others. The real task is not only to show good judgment, but to refrain from judging men simply for shedding tears like any other human being.

~ Derek Whitney is an active blogger for the website Aligned Signs, an astrology matching website, he blogs regularly about modern psychology, astrology, and self-awareness.

It's Time to End the "Boy's Don't Cry" Model of Raising Our Kids

When I was small, maybe three or four, a man came around our neighborhood with a camera and a horse. For X dollars you could have your child's picture taken sitting on the back of the horse, dressed in western outfits (for the boys it was requisite hat, gun belt, chaps, and boots w/ spurs).

So my mother comes into the house and, of course, she wants me on the horse (my dad had the same picture taken of him around 40 years earlier). I look out the screen door at this enormous creature in our front yard (having NEVER seen a horse in person) and I want nothing to do with this adventure. Mother insists, I resist, more insistence, more resistance, and then I am crying. Someplace there is a picture of me in all the cowboy gear, crying - and I distinctly remember my mother telling me: "Boy's don't cry."

Looking back, I'm thinking, "Like hell, those were real tears. And that was real fear."

One might have thought that when the "Greatest Generation" stopped raising kids (my peers were children of Boomers, but not me), that those old masculine myths would die out. You would be wrong.

But they need to end, with this generation or the next. When we learn to block, stuff, or ignore our feelings, we set ourselves up for a lifetime of interpersonal failure, mood disorders, anger disorders, addictions, and a whole host of other issues, including heart disease and other stress-related disorders.

As boys age into their teen years, they will generally embrace the cultural hypermasculinity of being a teen male filled with testosterone, and any "soft" feelings will get stuffed so that they can fit with their peers. But if they received a foundation in which they could cry, allow the feeling to move through them and dissipate, which is what it will do, they will have this awareness in their bodies that emotions are not dangerous, they can be felt and tolerated.

Those boys who grow up with mothers like mine never learn that lesson until they are (sooner or later) seeing a therapist to help them keep relationships, control their temper, fight the depression, or kick an addiction. This need never happen.

More and more experts are weighing on this and saying, "Let the boy cry, it's good for him."

This article comes from Good Men Project.

Expert Says It’s Good to Let Boys Cry

May 28, 2012 By Joanna Schroeder 

 

There’s a tearing inside me when I see my older son well up with tears in front of his peers, or as a result of a loss or mistake. The internal war is between what I know and believe is best for him, which is to let him cry and comfort him and help guide him through the sadness to resolution, or to tell him to be strong and stop crying.

Now, I know it’s bad to tell him to stop crying, but as his mom, I want to make his life somewhat easier and I can’t help but worry about him being teased or even indulging his emotions too much. I would worry about the exact same thing if he were a girl—in fact I suspect I’d worry about it even more. Also, to me, it’s easier to become a person who is able to get over obstacles quickly. Funny thing is, as far as everything I understand, kids whose feelings are validated do tend to recover faster than those whose feelings are denied.

I think that my first instinct, that of allowing his feelings to be validated and consoled, wins out almost all the time, but there are times when it’s tough for me. In wanting to protect him from life’s pains and struggles, sometimes I run up against what society has taught me will be best for him. And I grew up in a very “tough it out” time and community, it can be hard to shake that voice in my head.
Today The Washington Post offers an excellent advice piece from clinical social worker Jennifer Kogan, who works with parents regarding their children. The piece, Why it’s Good to Let Boys Cry, explains recent studies indicating that  boys who are emotionally more in touch with their feelings are better able to handle feelings of depression later on.

Kogan explains the research like this:

A 2010 study followed 426 boys through middle school to investigate the extent to which boys favor stereotypically male qualities, such as emotional stoicism and physical toughness, over stereotypically feminine qualities, such as emotional openness and communication, and whether they have any influence on their mental well-being.

Results showed that as boys progressed through adolescence they tended to further embrace hyper-masculine stereotypes. But boys who remained close to their mothers did not act as tough and were more emotionally available. The research, conducted by Arizona State University professor Carlos Santos, showed that closeness to fathers did not seem to have the same effect.

This detail is important data to have because male suicide rates reportedly start to rise by age 16. In addition to combating depression it seems evident that boys who stay connected to their feelings will be able to express their anger in healthier, more productive ways.

Did the same thing catch your eye as did mine? That sons who were close to mothers were more emotionally available? Our first reaction to the statement that closeness with fathers didn’t seem to have the same results is to say that this discounts the role of fathers.

However, I think we have to remember that Kogan is talking specifically about emotional availability, not other important skills and traits that boys get from closeness with fathers. Also, the role of fathers is rapidly changing, and this generation may not be caught up with those changes. These kids were born 20 years ago, most likely, and while there were are always many different types of fathers, the “man up” model of fatherhood has reigned supreme for a long time. It’s really only recently that parents have started to understand the importance of letting boys cry, or express other “non-manly” emotions.

In our family, my husband is much more likely to be the one to rush to my kids’ side when they’re sad or hurt. Not that I’m cold, but as I said at the beginning, I do feel this need to make them feel strong and independent. I try to learn from my husband about how to let them be sad, and then guide them to a swift recovery—because that swift recovery is important, too. We try to ask, “are you okay?” or say, “it’s going to be okay,” as opposed to saying, “you’re okay” or “you’re fine.”
I believe the results of a study like this will be different in the future when the changing role of men and fathers catches up to the research.

Kogan offers 4 great pieces of advice in the Washington Post article, but this one stands out most to me as something I can learn from, and perhaps many other parents will relate to:

3. Be ready and available to listen to your son without asking questions or offering a lot of advice. Kids will often open up when parents say less and listen more.

What do you think of this research? How about Kogan’s advice? Does one strike you as particularly resonant in raising boys?

APA - College Football Players Can Cry (A Little) if They Want to

When Tim Tebow and his Florida Gators lost to Alabama for the SEC Championship back in 2009, he cried, and then he was ridiculed in the press for his tears - with people referring to him as Tim Tearbow. The internet, as only it can be, was even more brutal:

In a review summary of three recent studies published in the APA journal, Psychology of Men and Masculinity, the American Psychological Association posted this press release about college football players and crying. They reveal some interesting conclusions about how these young men feel about showing emotions.

Seems Tim Tebow wasn't too out of line after all.

College Football Players Can Cry (A Little) if They Want to

Expressing Emotions May Give Players Mental Edge, Research Finds


WASHINGTON—While there’s no crying in baseball, as Tom Hanks’ character famously proclaimed in “A League of Their Own,” crying in college football might not be a bad thing, at least in the eyes of one’s teammates.


Although college football players feel pressure to conform to some male stereotypes, players who display physical affection toward their teammates are happier, according to new research. The findings were reported in a special section of Psychology of Men and Masculinity, published by the American Psychological Association.


“Overall, college football players who strive to be stronger and are emotionally expressive are more likely to have a mental edge on and off the field,” said psychologist Jesse Steinfeldt, PhD, of Indiana University-Bloomington, who co-authored each article in the special section.

Here are some additional excerpts:

Those who read about Jack tearing up after losing thought his behavior was appropriate, but drew the line at his sobbing. The players also said they were more likely to tear up than sob if they were in Jack’s situation. Players who read vignettes in which Jack sobs after losing a game said his reaction was more typical among football players than the players who read that Jack sobs after his team won the game.


“In 2009, the news media disparaged University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow for crying on the sidelines after losing a big game, even labeling him Tim ‘Tearbow,’” said psychologist Y. Joel Wong, PhD, the study’s lead author. “However, the college football players in our study who believed Jack’s crying was appropriate had higher self-esteem. In contrast, players who believed Jack’s crying was inappropriate yet felt they would likely cry in Jack’s situation had lower self-esteem.

* * * * * *

[Another] study found players do feel pressure to conform to these [traditional masculine] gender roles. But players who were never affectionate toward their teammates were less satisfied with life.


In another study of 197 mostly white college football players from three NCAA Division II level schools, the drive to be muscular meant more risk taking, less emotion and a stronger work ethic. But wanting to be more muscular was not related to the players’ desire to win or a tendency to be physically violent. For most, the primary reason they wanted to be muscular was so they could perform better on the field and avoid injuries. A secondary reason was so they could appear more “manly,” with a better physical appearance and sex appeal.

Full Citations:

“A Contextual Examination of Gender Role Conflict Among College Football Players,” Jesse A. Steinfeldt, PhD, Y. Joel Wong, PhD, Aleska R. Hagan, PhD, and Jacquelyn M. Hoag, PhD, Indiana University-Bloomington; Matthew C. Steinfeldt, PhD, Fort Lewis College; Psychology of Men & Masculinity, Vol. 12, No. 4.


“Drive for Muscularity and Conformity to Masculine Norms Among College Football Players,” Jesse A. Steinfeldt, PhD, Indiana University-Bloomington; Garrett A. Gilchrist, PhD, Pacific Lutheran University; Aaron W. Halterman, PhD, and Alexander Gomory, PhD, Indiana University-Bloomington; Matthew C. Steinfeldt, PhD, Fort Lewis College; Psychology of Men & Masculinity, Vol. 12, No. 4.


“Men’s Tears: Football Players’ Evaluations of Crying Behavior,” Y. Joel Wong, PhD, Jesse A. Steinfeldt, PhD, Julie R. LaFollette, PhD, and Shu-Ching Tsao, Indiana University-Bloomington; Psychology of Men & Masculinity, Vol. 12, No. 4.

Men of Tears: Workshops where men go to cry

Wow, this is sorry statement on the quality of men's lives. When we feel we need to go to a workshop to be able to cry, or to have a safe place to cry, things are really messed up in terms of who we are and how we live in this culture.

On the other hand, better there than not at all.

Men of Tears: workshops where men go to cry

Sophie Brickman, Chronicle Staff Writer

San Francisco Chronicle January 24, 2011 04:00 AM Copyright San Francisco Chronicle. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Carlos Avila Gonzalez / The Chronicle

John touches his chest during a Men of Tears "tear circle" in San Anselmo at which men get together to cry as a therapeutic practice.

Images

A few moments before 4 p.m. on a recent Wednesday, nine men ages 25 to 67, filed into a small, bare office in San Anselmo, arranged their chairs in a circle, sat down and prepared to cry.

Few knew each other. Some hadn't cried since they were young boys and wanted to learn how to cry again. A few cried often, and were thrilled to have found a safe space to do so.

These were the Men of Tears.

"If you can't cry, you can't find joy," says Lee Glickstein of Woodacre, founder of Speaking Circles International, which offers instruction in public speaking.

Glickstein and Pete van Dyk, a couples' and troubled boys' counselor who lives in Fairfax, founded the group in July, basing it on the idea that suppressing tears is detrimental to individual physical and emotional health, as well as the health of the community. The more men let out their tears, Glickstein and van Dyk claim, the less anger and violence in the world.

With Men of Tears, they want to provide men with a safe space to tap into emotions they may have dissociated from since childhood, so the next time tears well up, they can well over. The group is an all-male subset of WaterWorkers, an organization also headed by Glickstein that promotes crying as a therapeutic practice.

Glickstein, 66, who studied sociology at Brooklyn College and once worked as a stand-up comedian, realized a few months ago while watching the movie "Crumb" that he hadn't truly cried since he was 6 years old. During a scene where the title character, artist Robert Crumb, finds a mentor, Glickstein, thinking about his lack of mentorship as a young man, began to cry. Once he did so, he became happier, and wanted to share the experience with other men. Men of Tears was born.

Tears and sadness

He and van Dyk, 63, lead the two-hour sessions, during which men share their experiences with tears and sadness.

On that Wednesday, one participant spoke of the emotional and financial pain he'd experienced in the recent economic downturn. Another, eyebrows furrowed, said he hadn't cried for years. Some sniffled as they spoke. Only one wept hard enough to need a tissue - he was recounting the long-ago death of his 6-year-old sister.

For scientific backing, Glickstein and van Dyk cite the work of neuroscientist William H. Frye II, who directs the Alzheimer's Research Center at Regions Hospital in St. Paul, Minn. In the late 1980s, Frye published studies about emotional tears - one of three types of tears shed by humans. (The other two types are basal, to keep the eyes moist; and reflex, which wash out irritants like smoke.) One study, conducted with several hundred volunteers at the Psychiatry Research Laboratories at St. Paul-Ramsey Medical Center in Minnesota, showed that emotional tears release two types of stress hormones from the body, thus producing a calming effect, which Frye theorized could be the tears' evolutionary purpose, though all three types of tears release the same hormones and in the same amount.

Frye also found that women cry five times as much as men, partly because of hormonal, anatomical and biological differences, and partly because of societal conditioning. He firmly believes that emotional tears are key to stress reduction.

A biological function

"There are a number of ways of reducing stress, from exercising to laughing, but none of them is a substitute for the biological function of emotional tears," Frye says. "If we didn't really need it, we wouldn't have evolved it."

So what if you do choke back that lump in your throat and "pull it together"? Is that bad? Scientists are mostly in agreement that repressing negative emotion amps up cardiovascular stress and produces anxiety, and long-term stress has been shown to kill brain cells and impair memory function. For men, who learn at a young age that stoicism is tantamount to masculinity, such emotional repression is common, according to Jonathan Bowman, associate professor of communication at the University of San Diego.

As such, he believes that Men of Tears is addressing a societal problem.

"Men are really great at expressing joy, happiness and anger," says Bowman, who specializes in researching male friendship. "But we're really bad at expressing things that may reflect negatively on us, particularly sadness and fear.

In a safe space

"This group is allowing guys to affirm their masculinity while expressing emotion in a safe space."

After the session wrapped up Wednesday, many participants said they felt more connected to each other, more in tune with their emotions.

"I felt a shield drop," said Rick Walt, 62, a retired sheet metal worker from San Rafael.

Anthony Chang, a first-timer, said he'd definitely come back.

"This is the first time I've talked about the hardships in my life with any emotion," said Chang, 25, a former world-class karate champion from Cupertino.

For Glickstein and van Dyk, the groups are just the first step. They'd like to spread the movement to jails, offices and schools.

The political field, especially right now, is ripe for tear discussion.

"We absolutely love that Boehner is crying and getting people talking about crying," says Glickstein, referring to House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, and his oft-flowing tears. But he and van Dyk are thinking bigger, calling it a "primary mission" to get President Obama to admit that he cries.

After seeing Obama pause for 51 seconds - presumably collecting himself and holding back tears - during a speech Jan. 12 about the Arizona shooting victims, Glickstein wrote a blog entry asking the president to cry openly.

Glickstein realizes that the political field is often not a place where tears are welcome (during his 1972 presidential bid, Edmund Muskie seemed to cry when defending his wife, something that is believed to have contributed to his loss) but is considering e-mailing Obama to ask him to talk about tears.

"I know he is a compassionate man," Glickstein says, "and we assume he cries at home. If he admits at a press conference that he cries, that would be a huge step in (ending) the cycle of violence. And it would only take a few seconds."

Men of Tears: Circles are scheduled for 3-5 p.m. Wed.; 7-9 p.m. Feb. 2, 9 and 16; 10 a.m.-noon Feb. 25. 223 San Anselmo Ave., No. 6, San Anselmo. The circles are open to drop-ins. A $30 donation is suggested. http://sfg.ly/ijlG6n

Tags: men, masculinity, crying, emotions, gender stereotypes, men of tears, support group, men's work, men's groups, sadness, grief, Sophie Brickman

BBC - 10 things that make blokes cry

Seems that British men of cool with crying, at least in a few circumstances. Hey, it's progress over the "stiff upper lip" stereotype that British men have acquired.

From the BBC:

10 things that make blokes cry

An emotional Michael Vaughan

Real men don't cry? Tell that to Michael Vaughan, Gazza, Jeremy Paxman or Mike "The Streets" Skinner. What makes the male tear duct well up?

It is never easy to give up a job you love. But after five years as captain of the England Test cricket team, Michael Vaughan has stepped down after a lack of runs on the pitch.

After a list of thank yous, his voice caught as he paid tribute to his family. Flashbulbs popped as he blinked back tears.

Once a solely private activity, what makes men weep in public?

1. Making parents proud. "I know how proud my mum and dad have been," a visibly overcome Vaughan told the assembled journalists at his resignation press conference. "I spoke to my dad this morning and he said 'you know can walk away a proud lad because you've given it everything' and that's all he ever asked me to do." Anyone else need to dry their own eyes after that?

2. Birth of first child - or grandchild. Now that men are routinely present for this everyday yet momentous event, tears in the birthing room are not uncommon. Not only is this the fruit of a man's loins, the progeny that will carry his name (perhaps), but he has just witnessed his beloved partner undergoing the agonies of childbirth while he stands by, unable to contribute much beyond encouraging words and a toot on the gas and air. The consultant obstetrician who delivered Gordon Brown's son, John, said both the PM and wife Sarah "wept tears of joy" at his birth.

His great grandmother lost poor relief after having an illegitimate daughter

3. Tribulations of loved one. Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman doesn't do emotion, beyond irritation. But while filming genealogy show Who Do You Think You Are, he welled up on discovering the hardships suffered by his poverty-striken forebears. And blokes don't come much blokier than former Australian prime minister Bob Hawke, who liked to characterise himself as "Australia's mate". But this carapace cracked during a 1985 television interview in which he spoke tearfully about his daughter's drug addiction.

4. Letting a loved one down. Rough, tough Mr Hawke again shed tears on TV in 1989 as he admitted cheating on his wife of 33 years. Playing the "I'm only human" card, he wept as he vowed constancy. He later divorced his wife and married his long-term lover Blanche d'Alpuget. And cried at how beautiful she looked.

5. Saying sorry. It's a hard word to get out. In his resignation speech last May, there was a watery shine in Tony Blair's eyes as he thanked the British people and said "my apologies to you for the times I have fallen short". Bill Clinton, a habitual crier, wept at the White House's annual prayer breakfast in 1998. Held the day the Starr report was released, the then President of the United States told the assembled clerics that he had sinned: "It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine."

6. Letting yourself down. Footballer Paul Gascoigne famously welled up after he was booked in the 1990 World Cup. Not only did that yellow card mean he would not be playing in the final, none of his teammates would either, as England was beaten 4-3 by West Germany on penalties.

Mike Skinner's ballad of lost love caught the mood in summer 2004

7. Being dumped. In his hit single Dry Your Eyes, Mike Skinner - aka The Streets - sings of a young man's pain as he tries to persuade his girlfriend not to dump him ("We can even have an open relationship, if you must") and his mate's efforts to bolster a beaten man ("Dry your eyes mate/I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up"). Released as Portugal sent England crashing out of Euro 2004, it soundtracked thousands of shattered sporting hopes. Which leads us to...

8. Beaten in a hard-fought game. Footballers habitually cry after missing a crucial penalty. Tennis genius Roger Federer, more used to smiling through his tears as he hoists yet another winner's trophy aloft, welled up as he clutched the loser's plate in Wimbledon 2008.

Dry your eyes, mate

9. Winning a hard-fought game. After gruelling close encounters with Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell, Shayne Ward shed tears as he was named the winner of X Factor 2005. Making a virtue of this, his subsequent hits included I Cry and Some Tears Never Dry. Another to cry a river upon winning was flamboyant snooker player Alex Higgins, who battled his way to win the 1982 World Championship. He wept as he beckoned for his wife and daughter to share in his triumph.

10. These aren't tears. It's just bits of dust.

Tags: BBC, 10 things that make blokes cry, crying, men, culture, sports, family, Michael Vaughan, Gazza, Jeremy Paxman, Mike Skinner

Do Real Men Cry?

John Tesh is an easy target for ridicule because, well, to be blunt, he's a goofball parody of himself. But he is very popular in the Christian community not only as a "musician," and I use that term loosely in his case, but as a relationships "expert."

He also has a blog, and he posted something that showed in my Google blog feeds on all things male -- and it actually makes a good bit of sense.

Do Real Men Cry?

A few months ago NFL quarterback Brett Favre made it official he's retiring from the Green Bay Packers. As he attempted to thank his team, his coach and the organization, he got caught up in the moment and tears rolled down his face. Favre's reaction created a debate: Do real men cry?

Some men feel it's okay for a guy to cry . . . but only at funerals. Some men argue a male should never cry in public. Yet other men were raised with fathers who told them real men are never afraid to cry.

I asked several male members of our Teshmedia team to admit the times they cry . . . if ever: at weddings especially their own, at the birth of their children, when they proposed to the love of their life and she said yes, when soldiers who died in combat are honored, at the raising of the American flag, at certain films like Braveheart, when looking at scenes from 9/11 and when they sense the presence of God.

According to the blog The Art of Manlinesss, tears can be proof that a man is sensitive, humble and well-rounded. But there is a definite balance between being so sensitive that a Hallmark commercial can make you weep and shed tears over something that is meaningful. If you're in a combat situation and witness one of your best buddies killed by a sniper, you've got to be made of stone not to be touched.

So what does this all have to do with marriage and relationships? Everything! According to marriage expert Gary Smalley, a man who can cry understands intimacy. However, it often takes some life-changing event before they can grasp this truth. Men who have rarely cried will suddenly get in touch with their emotional side when they undergo a divorce.

Does your husband have trouble showing his feelings? Here are seven ways to tell if your man is struggling with opening up:

·He's unable to discuss his feelings.
·He's determined to avoid his feelings.
·He's unable to express love, sorrow, or pain.
·He's unable or unwilling to cry.
·He's determined to make all situations into a joke.
·He leaves the room when emotional issues are discussed.
·He's insensitive to the emotions of those around him.

Read the rest of the post.

Real men can and do cry. It's not a sign of weakness -- no matter what we have been taught as kids.

Here's a nice quote to wrap this up:

Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.
~ Albert Richard Smith, author and entertainer (1816-1860)

Tags: masculinity, crying, culture, relationships, John Tesh, Do Real Men Cry?

Crying Men

Sam Taylor-Wood, a well-known photographer, asked some actors to produce real tears for a series of images which she hopes capture the vulnerable sides of the movie stars. Taylor-Wood explains, “Some of the men cried before I even finished loading the camera, but others found it really difficult. People can decide for themselves which they think are the authentic tears and which they think are fake. It’s about the idea of taking these big, masculine men and showing a different side."

I blogged on this previously over at IOC, but I found some more images. This is what I said over there: Most of the men I know, including me, were taught never to show weakness when we were growing up, and especially never to let "them" see you cry. What a load of shit. Because of that, most of us carry a ton of unexpressed grief, sadness, and pain locked away inside us, which contributes to disease, depression, and anxiety.

Crying, as any good therapist or spiritual teacher will tell you, is good for the soul. It helps clean out the debris that keeps us from fully enjoying life. Whenever I am able to have a good cry, I feel much space within me, and much more spacious in my life. That's good enough for me.

Crying Men

by Sam Taylor-Wood

Steidl & Partners

Crying Men is a series of photographic portraits of famous film actors. Taylor-Wood makes portraits of her subjects as actors; she shoots them in role, asking each to perform and cry for the camera and demands the actor’s investment in the process. These are no passive sitters.

Each of the resulting images is distinct; one actor recalls the hieratic clarity of a Byzantine saint whose tears appear decorative. Other images are of heroic crying where stoic restraint has broken down, there are some that display the voluptuous crying of medieval saints, there are images of cathartic crying, quiet tears of regret and grief, and yet whilst being moved by these intimate revelatory images we simultaneously know that the emotional display is being play-acted. Sam Taylor-Wood’s film and photographic works are distinguished by their subversive creation of enigmatic situations full of latent but explosive energy.

The portraits include Tim Roth, Gabriel Byrne, Laurence Fishburne, Woody Harrelson, Michael Gambon, Jude Law, Hayden Christiansen, Ryan Gosling, Robert Downey Jr., Paul Newman, Ed Harris, Benicio Del Toro, Willem Dafoe, and Kris Kristofferson.

Currently sold out (US price, $75).

Benicio del Toro




Willem Dafoe




Daniel Craig




Ed Harris




Hayden Christiansen




Michael Pitt



Robin Williams




Sean Penn

Tags: Crying Men, Sam Taylor-Wood, photography, masculinity, emotions, Benicio del Toro, Willem DaFoe, Daniel Craig, Ed Harris, Hayden Christiansen, Michael Pitt, Sean Penn, Robin Williams