Even a 300 lb NFL Offensive Lineman Can Be a Victim of Bullying | On Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin

Anyone who follows sports has probably heard about the situation in Miami, where second-year player Jonathan Martin abruptly left the team last week after smashing his lunch tray to the floor in response to a prank played on him by his teammates, an effort led by fellow offensive lineman Richie Incognito.

The prank was cruel. Martin was asked to join a table of linemen during lunch, but when he sat down they all got up and walked away.

This is not a situation that happened just by chance.

Incognito has a history of getting himself in trouble going all the way back to his first two years at Nebraska, where he is a freshman All-American in 2002. By the end of the 2003 season, he had been suspended twice, and then suspended indefinitely when new coach Bill Callahan prior to the 2004 season. Incognito then transferred to Oregon, where then-coach Mike Bellotti gave him a 2nd chance, but only if he fulfilled specific conditions. He didn't and he never played a down for Oregon.

Despite missing the entire 2004 season, the Saint Louis Rams selected him in the 3rd round of the 2005 draft. He spent three years with the Rams, all of which fairly uneventful off of the field, but on the field he led the league with 7 personal fouls included in his 38 penalties.

He was already on his way out by 2009.

Things came to a head quite literally late in the 2009 season during a 47-7 loss to the Tennessee Titans. Incognito was twice flagged for head-butting Titans players, and he also got into a verbal spat with then-Rams head coach Steve Spagnuolo. Mike Florio of Pro Football Talk reported that Incognito was subsequently released.

Incognito caught on with the Buffalo Bills for the remainder of the season, but Buffalo decided against re-signing him even though he played well in three games with the team. It was unclear if Incognito would get another chance after the Bills let him walk, but he was lucky enough to be offered a contract by the Dolphins.

While with Miami, he began taking Paxil after refusing to try medication for year. He was named to 6-man leadership team for the Dolphins this year. On the surface, things seemed to have turned around for him - he was maximizing his potential on the field on not getting in trouble off of the field. Or maybe not . . . .

Guys who have played against him think he is a dirty player - pinching and grabbing in the pile. One Dolphin player says, "Richie is the type of guy where if he's on your team you love him," a teammate said. "If he's not on your team, you hate him. Every team needs a guy like that." His previous teammates have witnessed his issues and do not hate him, but they worry about him:

New York Giants kicker Josh Brown was Incognito's teammate at Nebraska as well as with the Rams, and he told Ebenezer Samuel of the New York Daily News that it was par for the course:

None of it shocks me. I don't know any details obviously. The league hasn't released anything. But Richie seems to be a person with a tortured soul. He's had these issues for quite awhile and it's sad.

Brown still considers Incognito a friend, but he believes that his former teammate is still dealing with "demons" despite the prevailing thought that he had turned a corner:

It's sad to see, because he was a friend of mine and still is. I played with him in college and he had a lot of problems in college. I played with him in the Rams, and not severe issues there ... but it seems like this seems to be something that has been haunting him for more than decade. This seems to be somebody who's really got some demons that are out of the building.

A good deal of Incognito's behavior can be traced back to his father, it seems. In Jeff Darlington's NFL.com profile of Incognito, there is this:

"I'd always tell Richie, 'You don't take no s--- from anyone,'" his father said. "'If you let anyone give you s--- now, you're going to take s--- your entire life.'"

Those words may seem like nothing more than a father trying to help his son through a difficult time, but some of his advice proved all too prophetic.

"I'd try to cheer him up," said Richie Sr., who is now a custom pool builder in Arizona. "I'd tell him, 'Payback is going to come, Richie. When it's time for you to have your payback, you open up the gates of hell and make them stare at the devil.' And when that day came, man, he made them stare at the devil."

So, we are not at the present - and Incognito has been suspended indefinitely by the Dolphins and will reportedly be cut following the conclusion of the NFL investigation.

According to reports, Incognito used racial epithets and made threats of bodily harm against Martin, who was in his 2nd year before leaving the team nearly 10 days ago (Oct 28). According to Adam Schefter of ESPN, these are some quotes from the threatening email that serves as the primary piece of evidence in this case.

Adam Schefter        ✔ @AdamSchefter

1: Richie Incognito left this VM for Jonathan Martin in April 2013: "Hey, wassup, you half n----- piece of (expletive)...

10:18 AM - 4 Nov 2013

Adam Schefter        ✔ @AdamSchefter

2. More Incognito to Martin: "I saw you on Twitter, you been training ten weeks. (I want to) (expletive) in your (expl) mouth....

10:19 AM - 4 Nov 2013

Adam Schefter        ✔ @AdamSchefter

3. Incognito VM to Martin: "(I'm going to) slap your (expletive) mouth. (I'm going to) slap your real mother across the face (laughter).

Adam Schefter        ✔ @AdamSchefter

4. Incognito to Martin, all on same VM in April 2013: "(Expletive) you, you're still a rookie. I'll kill you."

10:20 AM - 4 Nov 2013

Okay, this is where shit gets ugly. This is one incident, but there apparently have been others. Martin chose, for now at least, to walk away from his NFL career and get counseling while spending time with his family. On the upside, he went to Stanford, so he can probably do anything in life he chooses.

But his fellow teammates, former NFL players, and current NFL players are siding with Incognito - not all of them, but enough that it calls into question the atmosphere in the NFL locker rooms.

Former Dolphins teammate Karlos Dansby, now a linebacker with the Cardinals, told the Arizona Republic that “Richie was a down-to-earth guy. I hate all this came out about him. It's really attacking his character. I hope Martin doesn't have any backlash from this from the rest of his teammates.”

And Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace told NFL.com: "I know both [Martin and Incognito] personally. I like both of them. I love Richie. I think he's a great guy. I don't think he was out of hand. I have a lot of respect for Richie. I wish he was here."

Wallace says he doesn't think that team pranks and hazing went too far.

Denver Broncos defensive tackle Terrance Knighton thinks Martin broke the silence code of the locker room by leaving it and making his grievances public.

"Everybody in the NFL knows that when you're a young guy and when you're with the O-line you've got it the hardest," Knighton says. "I mean, that's been going on for a while. ... I don't know where they crossed the line at; maybe (Incognito) said something personal.

"I feel like, as players, when it is player-to-player, it can be handled as players. It can be addressed. I don't think (Martin) should have gone outside the team and expressed how things are going in the locker room."

This is the same nonsense I hear when people begin talking about the sexual or physical abuse or neglect that happened in their families - there is a code of silence around these things. As long as people honor these idiotic codes, they will continue to exist.

The most egregious comments, perhaps, come from New York Giants safety Antrel Rolle, who voices the "traditionally masculine" - i.e., man up, sack up, grow a pair, and so on.

Giants safety Antrel Rolle said that while Incognito was "absolutely" in the wrong, Martin is just as much to blame for what happened. “First of all, know something like that would never, ever happen to myself, because I wouldn't allow it to happen," Rolle told WFAN Tuesday.

"You know, at this level, you're a man. You're not a little boy. You're not a freshman in college. You're a man. So I think everything has its limits. So there's no way that another man is gonna make me pay for something that I choose not to pay for.”

"You're a grown-ass man. You need to stand up for yourself. ...

"Hopefully he's able to bounce back and recover from all that has happened and understand it, and take awareness of, you know, that, you're a grown-a– man,” Rolle continued. “You need to stand up for yourself.”

Not only is that the mentality among the players, but it seems also to be the mentality among the coaching staff of the Miami Dolphins [it must be stated, however, that head coach Joe Philbin, according to team sources, directed veteran players to "cut out" the rookie hazing]:

According to at least two team sources who have spoken to Omar Kelly of the Sun Sentinel, Miami Dolphins coaches told offensive guard Richie Incognito to “toughen up” teammate Jonathan Martin after Martin missed a voluntary workout in the spring. The team sources told the Sun Sentinel that Incognito, who has been suspended indefinitely after he was accused of using threatening and racially incendiary language against Martin, took the orders too far.

Other reporters have confirmed these reports:

Andrew Abramson of the Palm Beach Post wrote on Wednesday that he’s heard the same thing from team sources, adding that the idea was to bring Martin “into the circle.”

“[Dolphins center Mike] Pouncey and Incognito, they talk to each other that way — redneck, [n-word], it doesn’t bother the two of them. It’s how they communicate,” a source told Abramson. “They bond with one another.” Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin, according to sources, told his veterans to “cut out” the rookie hazing, but he did not police what was going on between Incognito and Martin. Martin left the team last week after a lunchroom prank in which Martin was asked to join his linemates at the table, and his teammates then got up and left the table.

Fox Sports reporter, Mike Garafalo, tweeted this:

Mike GarafoloVerified account ‏@MikeGarafolo

Forgot to tweet but said on @FFD yesterday a former Dolphins OL said coaches supported and encouraged hazing to toughen up Martin + others.

7:50 PM - 5 Nov 13

The bullying was not only verbal - there was traditional stealing of lunch money (if you are mufti-millionaire NFL player):

[Adam] Schefter and [Chris] Mortensen also cited unnamed sources that one of the significant allegations is an incident during the summer of 2013 when Incognito got Martin to contribute $15,000 to help finance a trip to Las Vegas by a group of Dolphins, even though Martin preferred not to, "fearing the consequences if he did not hand over the money."

So the message here is that if you man up and get in someone's face, the bullying will stop. But why is there bullying in the first place? Incognito knows first hand from his own childhood haw damaging that can be, but like many victims, he did not deal with the pain, he just passed it along as soon as he was able - just like his father told him to.

As is true with many things, this whole mess starts with the father. Martin is simply the latest victim to endure Incognito's working out of his own pain and trauma by harassing others - but that this was condone in ANY way by the Dolphins coaching staff makes them complicit, right alongside Richie Incognito, Sr.

As is usual, The Onion is on top of things, which one would expect from America's Finest News Source. Male bonding is a mystery for the local man (Appleton, WI) in this article, but it seems a little, well, kind of, you know . . . like bullying.

Here's his story.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

ISSUE 49•38 • Sept 19, 2013

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied
APPLETON, WI—Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening. “When Bill called me ‘limp dick’ and punched my shoulder, I wasn’t sure if he was insulting me or just being friendly, but everyone else was smiling and laughing, so I smiled back,” said Chambliss, adding that he has also been called “fucker” several times, which feels like bullying even though the whole group seems to be referring to one another as “fucker.” “I wish I could figure out whether I’m being included or excluded. When Jeff burped loudly in my ear while I was playing pinball, I was torn between storming off angrily and buying the next round. And when they asked how my ‘piece of ass’ was doing, I couldn’t tell if they were trying to compliment my wife or were just being degrading.” At press time, the group was reportedly exiting the bar as one of Chambliss’ coworkers said, “See you next time, pussy,” leaving him to wonder whether they actually wanted to hang out with him again or were just being sarcastic.

A single close friendship can ease a boy’s passage through middle school

From Slate, an article on the importance of buddies for young boys as they enter middle school. There are big piles of research (decades worth) demonstrating that kids with close "buddy" friendships "are healthier, do better in school, and don’t get bullied as often." More importantly, friendships help mitigate "the negative impacts of family problems and, according to Dr. William M. Bukowski, make kids less anxious about trying new things."

The Buddy System: A single close friendship can ease a boy’s passage through middle school - But what if your son can’t find a pal?

By Joshua Glenn and Elizabeth Foy Larsen | Posted Thursday, March 15, 2012

Research has shown that kids with close friendships are healthier, do better in school, and get don’t get bullied as often. Photograph by Digital Vision.

Recently both of our oldest sons switched schools for junior high. While in many ways each of their transitions were smooth, both of us were surprised that these two terrific, well-adjusted, handsome (natch) boys seemed at first—at least to their parents—to have no friends.

We reacted to this information in manners befitting our personalities. Josh gently encouraged his son to pick up the phone and call his elementary-school pals; his son resisted, saying he wanted to move on. Elizabeth, on the other hand, went full-on helicopter. After a call to her son’s adviser revealed the not-encouraging fact that he’d been eating lunch with that same adviser, she phoned the school counselor, who assured her that her son wasn’t roaming the halls by himself and that this temporary friendlessness was in the range of normal, especially for introverted boys like her son. “He’s still most likely putting all his energy into getting to the right classroom for each class, not to mention finding the bathroom,” she said. Needless to say, soon Elizabeth was asking her son for the names of everyone he ate lunch with, much to her son’s disgust.

We remember from our own treacherous passages through junior high how strong friendships can ease the pain of those change-filled years. Josh and his best friend from childhood, Dooley, lived on the same street and attended the same middle school. Though they both made other friends, the two were joined at the shoulder most days from breakfast, which Josh often ate at Dooley's house (where Carnation Breakfast Drinks were an accepted alternative to oatmeal), through dinner, which Dooley often ate at Josh's father's house (where reading a Tintin book at the table was by no means considered rude).

In fact, decades of research have shown that kids with close friendships are healthier, do better in school, and don’t get bullied as often. Friendships also can minimize the negative impacts of family problems and, according to Dr. William M. Bukowski, a psychologist who researches friendships at Concordia University in Montreal, make kids less anxious about trying new things. In one University of Virginia study, researchers placed students wearing heavy backpacks at the base of a hill and asked them to estimate its steepness. The participants who stood next to a friend gave lower estimates than those who were alone.

Perhaps most important, friendships can validate kids in a way that sticks more than their parents’ You rock! praise. “Kids know that parents are supposed to love their children,” says Bukowski. “But when someone shows you affection who doesn’t have to, it has a stronger effect.”

Given these benefits, it makes sense that we parents of boys should see the middle school years as an opportunity to encourage a life-long appreciation for friendship. Unfortunately, for boys growing up today, maturity is mostly defined as being cool and independent. You’re not supposed to need a relationship with anyone. In fact, the very idea of having a “relationship” with a guy friend, much less talking about it, seems icky to many boys.

 “You have to shift the whole game and say that maturity should be defined as having quality, mutually supportive healthy relationships,” says Niobe Way, an NYU psychology professor. Way’s recent book, Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, shreds the assumption many parents make that boys can take or leave their pals. Instead, her research shows that boys actually love their guy friends, and have the instinctive intelligence to be able to talk about those attachments. “We think boys are emotional clods who don’t know how to express their feelings,” says Way. “What I hear from listening to boys for almost 20 years is that they have an incredible astuteness about the emotional world. It’s not just that they can say they love a friend, but they can say things with more nuance, like ‘I can act like I’m mad but I’m really hurt.’ ”

Unfortunately, according to Way and other researchers, intimacy between boys vanishes as they progress through high school, in part because many boys this age are afraid of acting in a way that makes them seem girlish or gay. (Jocks, on the other hand, can openly show affection with their guy friends—especially on the playing field—because their popularity and status as manly men insulates them from being harassed.) It’s a loss that the boys Way interviewed mourn intensely and still grieve as adults. Since publishing her book, Way says she’s been surprised by all the letters she’s received from grown men telling her how much they missed their own boyhood chums.

The loss of close-knit guy friendships in middle school may lead to more than loneliness. “If you live in a culture in which the definition of manhood is independence and autonomy and where we aren’t valuing our social and emotional sides,” asks Way, “is it so surprising that we have this culture of bullying and cyberbullying and people being so brutal to each other?”

We agree. But encouraging authentic relationships at a time of life when kids just want to fit in is no small challenge. Here are a few friendship-encouraging strategies recommended by experts—and that would possibly be recommended by our sons, if they were ever willing to talk about this.

Don’t confuse popularity with friendship. If your son has one friend in whom he can confide, and who he trusts won’t talk behind his back, that’s all he needs. Research shows that to get all the benefits of friendship, one is the magic number. Don’t crusade for him to acquire friends the way he used to collect Pokémon cards.

Don’t freak out if your son doesn’t have friends from time to time. In his study of 350 kids, Bukowksi found that every single one went through a period when he had no friends. “There is going to be turnover in friendships,” says Bukowski. “These downtimes are a chance for parents to encourage the importance of relationships and take stock.” And so …

Talk about friendship. Even though most boys don’t want to have a heavy sit-down about their buddies, you can still talk about the importance of friendship in a way that will get your point across. Bukowski and Way both suggest talking about your own friendships: how much they mean to you; what disappoints you. Just don’t overshare! A simple, “I really care about my friendship with Mike and it bums me out when he doesn’t return my emails” will do. Elizabeth had great success recently when she told her sons that a friend is someone who can keep your secrets and doesn’t treat you well one day and then turn on you the next. Both of her sons told her which boys they knew who fit this description. And then they also were able to say which kids didn’t and how it makes them feel when that happens.

Give him a chance to bond over things he loves. You can’t stage-manage a middle schooler’s friendships they way you could when he was in elementary school. But you can provide boys with opportunities to do things with kids who share their interests—filmmaking classes, batting practice, hip-hop. But don’t think that just because your kid has met another LEGO robotics nut that your work is done. “One of the challenges for middle school boys is to change their friendship relationships from being activity based into experiences that are more relational,” says Bukowski. “If a 7^th grade boy is playing basketball together with his friends, he should be aware that he shouldn’t gloat about it if he’s better than his friend. Boys who are friends compete with each other, but they can manage that competition.” If your son has a hard time not lording his greatness over others, Bukowski recommends watching the ESPN TV show Pardon the Interruption, which pits two sports reporters against each other to hash out the issues of the day. “They fight about everything,” he says. “But it never becomes personal. You always have the sense that they love each other.”

***

And how, over a year later, have our boys fared? Elizabeth’s son did make friends at his new school while also staying close to a few guys he’s known since he was little. He’s bugging her about seeing The Hunger Games with his pals on the day it’s released, is excited about being on the middle school tennis team, and is going to camp with four classmates this summer. Josh’s son took up the electric bass and made friends through his school’s jazz band. He and his friends have co-ed parties, go ice skating together, and never stop IMing. Proving, as is always the case with parenting, that solving one concern just begets another.

Charles Blow - Real Men and Pink Suits

I somehow missed the controversy around CNN reporter Roland Martin and his dumbass Tweets during the Super Bowl. Here is a brief recap of the whole thing (which really is not much, but for someone in his role, it is highly inappropriate). I wonder if Martin would have said these things to Brandon Spikes in person? He's a BIG man, and if he wants to wear a pink suit, more power to him.

This week, Roland Martin, a bombastic cultural and political commentator was suspended by CNN from his role as a political analyst on the network for Twitter messages published during the Super Bowl.

One message read: “If a dude at your Super Bowl party is hyped about David Beckham’s H&M underwear ad, smack the ish out of him! #superbowl.” Another read: “Who the hell was that New England Patriot they just showed in a head to toe pink suit? Oh, he needs a visit from #teamwhipdatass.” 

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation said the messages advocated “violence against gay people” and asked CNN to fire Martin. CNN called the messages “regrettable and offensive” and suspended him “for the time being.” Martin issued an apology in which he said that he was just “joking about smacking someone.” 

Apparently, Martin and GLAAD plan to meet and discuss the matter - this could simply be something he has to do to keep his job, but it may (if he is open to it) change his perspective to hear how others feel when he makes such degrading comments.

In his New York Times column (Real Men and Pink Suits), from which I have been quoting, Charles Blow makes an excellent argument that sums up the open-minded, compassionate perspective on multiple masculinities for which I advocate on this blog.

I follow Martin on Twitter. I know that he likes to joke and tease. I have even joked with him. So I can believe that, in his mind, he may have thought that these were just harmless jokes in which the violence was fictional and funny.

But in the real world — where bullying and violence against gays and lesbians, or even those assumed to be so, is all too real — “jokes” like his hold no humor. There are too many bruised ribs and black eyes and buried bodies for the targets of this violence to just lighten up and laugh.

We all have to understand that effects can operate independent of intent, that subconscious biases can move counter to conscious egalitarianism, and that malice need not be present within the individual to fuel the maliciousness of the society at large.

(This is not to say that Martin has been egalitarian on this front. In fact, a widely cited 2006 post on his Web site suggests otherwise. In it, he criticized the Rev. Al Sharpton for appealing to black churches “to become more accepting and embracing of homosexuality.” Martin wrote that gays and lesbians “are engaged, in the eyes of the church, in sinful behavior.” Furthermore, he said, “My wife, an ordained Baptist minister for 20 years, has counseled many men and women to walk away from the gay lifestyle, and to live a chaste life.” And he compared homosexuals to adulterers, disobedient children, alcoholics and thieves.)

Words have power. And power recklessly exerted has consequences. It’s not about being politically correct. It’s about being sensitive to the plight of those being singled out. We can’t ask the people taking the punches to also take the jokes.

And it’s about understanding that masculinity is wide enough and deep enough for all of us to fit in it. But society in general, and male culture in particular, is constantly working to render it narrow and shallow. We have shaved the idea of manhood down to an unrealistic definition that few can fit in it with the whole of who they are, not without severe constriction or self-denial.

The man that we mythologize in the backs of our minds is a cultural concoction, an unattainable ideal, a perfect specimen of muscles and fearlessness and daring. Square-jawed and well-rounded. Potent and passionate. Sensitive but not sentimental. And, above all else, unwaveringly heterosexual and without even a hint of softness.

A vast majority of men will never be able to be all these things all the time, but they shouldn’t be made to feel less than a man because of it.

And this narrowed manhood ideal has a truly damaging effect on boys.

In “Boy Culture: an Encyclopedia,” which was published in 2010, the editors point out: “Boys are men in training. As such, most strive to enact and replicate hegemonic masculinity so that they achieve status among male peers, and pre-emptively guard against accusations or perceptions that their masculinity is deficient.” The editors went on to quote a 2001 study in which a boy who does not measure up to dominant prescriptions of masculinity is “likely to be punished by his peers in ways which seek to strip him of his mantle of masculinity.”

In fact, a 2005 report entitled “From Teasing to Torment: School Climate in America,” which was commissioned by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, found that a third of all teens said that they are often bullied, called names or harassed at their school because they are, or people think that they are, gay, lesbian or bisexual.

We have created this culture, and we can undo it.

Start with this fact: The truest measure of a man, indeed of a person, is not whom he lies down with but what he stands up for. If we must be judged, let it be in this way. And when we fall short, as we sometimes will, because humanity is fallible, let us greet each other with compassion and encouragement rather than ridicule and resentment.

Whatever was in Martin’s heart, what was in his Twitter messages wasn’t helpful. They may not lead directly to intimidation or violence, but they may add to a stream of negativity that feeds a culture in which intimidation and violence by some twisted minds is all too real. I don’t believe that Martin wanted that. 

Let’s show the whole of mankind that men can indeed be kind, even to other men who dare to wear pink suits.

Jonah Mowry - It Does Get Better (Sometimes)

Yesterday I posted a moving video of a young man talking about the pain and suffering he has endured and inflicted on himself (cutting) as a result of bullying. I did not know anything more than what I saw in the video, which had gone viral on Facebook in the last few days.

Now he is the most famous bullied gay teen in the country. His name is Jonah Mowry - he is 14 years old, and despite some people's claims that the video was a hoax, his mom says otherwise.

He has recently posted a follow up video, but he deleted it from his own page. However, it has been reposted by many people and linked to by ABC News. In this video, he is with a friend and seems much happier.




ABC's 20/20 website ran a story on him and his situation.

Jonah Mowry's Mom Says Gay Son Inspired by Support

By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES

Dec. 6, 2011

The mother of Jonah Mowry, the gay 14-year-old who got national attention when he spoke about his anguish over bullies, said her son has been "uplifted" by support online.

"I'm thankful," Peggy Sue Mowry told ABC News. "There are a lot of people that are giving their warm wishes and uplifting Jonah, and I think that's good."

Jonah's YouTube video went viral this week and some online accused the teen of being a "fraud," and looking for publicity. ABC News confirmed that he was the son of a music instructor technician at Saddleback College in Mission Viejo, Calif.

"I'm disappointed that somebody could look at the first video and then look at the second and think it's a lie," said Peggy Sue Mowry, a 52-year-old hairdresser from Lake Forest, Calif. "He's a child. He's a 14-year-old boy. He's very young."

"First and foremost, I am proud of the responses we've gotten from people," she said. "I'm disappointed that people would question whether it's" true."

Jonah posted two YouTube videos. One, last August, was a wrenching account of his cutting injuries as a victim of school bullies.

In the first -- "Whats going on ... [sic]" -- Jonah was weeping to the music of Sia's "Breathe Me." Holding a series of notecards, he says, "I've cut…a lot. I have scars. Suicide was an option…many times."

The second video, posted Dec. 4, showed a giggling and happy teen who was doing just fine. "To the people who think nobody likes me," he said. "Everyone in my school loves me."

Jonah's plight struck a chord in celebrities like gay singer Ricky Martin and blogger Perez Hilton.

Teens have increasingly taken to the Internet to reveal their struggles with bullying and questions about their sexual orientation. Last October, "20/20" recorded Skype interviews with a number of teens in the series "I Am Different." 

California eighth grader Larry King, 15, was shot and killed by a classmate in 2008 after being incessantly bullied.

The murder trial of Brandon McInerney, 14 at the time, ended in a hung jury. Media outlets reported that Brandon had killed Larry "allegedly because he identified himself as gay."

Jonah said he had been bullied since first grade and had first begun cutting himself in the second grade. Last August, when the video was made, Jonah was about the enter eighth grade.

The boy, who displays numerous scars in the video, claims he has sustained insults of, "Gay. Fag. D**k. Douche. Homo. A**hole." His video ends optimistically: "I'm not going anywhere, because I'm stronger than that. I have a million reasons to be here."

A Facebook page dedicated to Jonah's cause says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Advocacy groups praised Jonah for speaking out against bullying and homophobia.

"This YouTube video illustrates a sobering reality about the bullying crisis in our schools," said Andy Marra, spokesman for the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN). "We know there are far too many students like Jonah that experience harassment simply because of their real or perceived sexual orientation or gender identity."

Teen bullying has reached epidemic proportions. Several young children have been so anguished they have killed themselves.

Nearly 9 out of 10 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender students experienced harassment at school in the past year, according to GLSEN.

All students deserve the right to reach their full potential and it is the responsibility of school staff to ensure safe learning environments for all that promote true respect for difference, the group says.

Earlier this year, Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14-year-old from Buffalo, N.Y., took his own life after he was bullied online with gay slurs for more than a year. His death prompted Lady Gaga to express outrage over relentless torment on social networking sites.

In 2009, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, only 11, hung himself after school bullies repeatedly called him "gay." The Springfield, Mass., Boy Scout was teased ruthlessly, despite his mother's pleas to the boy's school.

What's Going On . . . Courage of a Young Man

I know this video has been out since August, and it has already made the rounds on Facebook. But this is one of the saddest videos I have ever seen - if you know this kid or one like him, spend some time with him (or her, for that matter), acknowledge his pain, share your own experiences, and give him some tools to love himself.

Jezebel - Bullied Teen Who Made "It Gets Better" Video Commits Suicide

Effing awful . . . . Sometimes it really doesn't get better. Dan Savage, who started the It Gets Better Project, says we shouldn't bully the bullies, but hold them accountable:

His tormenters need to be held to account—not bullied themselves, not prosecuted or persecuted, but held to account—for their actions, for their hate, for the harm they've caused. They should be asked if they're "WAY more happier" now, if they're pleased with themselves, and if they have anything to say to the mother of the child they succeeded in bullying to death.

I suspect the kids who bullied Jamey feel pretty bad right about now. I can't imagine what it would feel like to be directly responsible for another human being feeling so horrible about himself and his life that suicide seems to be the best answer. They need to understand the degree of pain required for another person to take his own life at such a young age.

And we need to do more to make sure this does not keep happening in other schools in other towns . . . to other young men.

Jezebel posted his video and the story about his situation - links to their sources are at the bottom of the post.

Bullied Teen Who Made "It Gets Better" Video Commits Suicide

BY MARGARET HARTMANN 

This weekend, just a few months after he filmed a video for the "It Gets Better" project, 14-year-old Jamey Rodemeyer of Buffalo, NY was found dead from an apparent suicide. Earlier this month he blogged, "I always say how bullied I am, but no one listens. What do I have to do so people will listen to me?"

* * * * 

Tracy Rodemeyer says her son, "Has had issues since fifth grade. He had suicidal tendencies back then." Things got particularly bad a year ago when he created a Formspring account and started receiving hateful messages:

"JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!" read one post.

Another read: "I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"

The messages were reported to guidance counselors at his middle school, and Jamey was seeing a social worker and therapist.

* * * *

Jamey is the second Williamsville North High School student to commit suicide this year, but school officials say they did all they could. Dale Bauer, a licensed school social worker and clinical social worker at Williamsville, says the school offers some counseling, but isn't a mental health clinic.

 * * * *

In a post responding to news of the Jamey's death, Dan Savage says that those who bullied him, "need to be held to account-not bullied themselves, not prosecuted or persecuted, but held to account-for their actions, for their hate, for the harm they've caused." He adds:

The point of the "It Gets Better" project is to give kids like Jamey Rodemeyer hope for their futures. But sometimes hope isn't enough. Sometimes the damage done by hate and by haters is simply too great. Sometimes the future seems too remote. And those are the times our hearts break.

Teenager Struggled With Bullying Before Taking His Life [Buffalo News]
Bullied Teenager In Buffalo, NY, Takes His Own Life [The Stranger]

Authors@Google: Dan Savage and Terry Miller - It Gets Better, the Book

Dan Savage and his husband Terry Miller founded the It Gets Better Project, and it has been wildly successful in bringing in big name celebrity support (from average folks to President Obama) to help convince young men and women that the bullying stops, life changes, and it does get better.

I have heard from therapists, however, that many teens cannot connect with the older adults who wish to support them - the day-to-day hell is still weighing on them like a ton of bricks.

Even so, I think the project is important, and I am glad to hear they have published a book - It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living - which Dan and Terry talk about in the Authors@Google segment.

It Gets Better, the Book

Dan Savage and Terry Miller spoke to Googlers in Mountain View in May, 2011 about their book It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living and http://www.itgetsbetter.org/.

Dan Savage is the well-known columnist for Seattle's The Stranger, and the founder of the It Gets Better project, which uses videos on YouTube to send positive messages to at-risk LGBT youth.

Tags: young men, gay, homosexuality, homophobia, bullying, books, Dan Savage, Terry Miller, It Gets Better Project, It Gets Better, Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, Creating a Life Worth Living, teen males, gay teens, Google, Authors@Google, support, positive messages, LGBT, youth

The Pain of Rejection and Exclusion Can Be Deep, Long-Lasting

Kipling D. Williams, a Purdue professor of psychological sciences, studies how ostracism
hurts individuals as much or even more than a physical injury.

One of the things that men and boys do to each other to enforce ideals of traditional masculinity is to taunt those males who for various reasons do not fit the traditional model of masculinity. The mantra of many young boys, taught to them by parents trying to help, is the "sticks and stones" refrain. Problem is, words do hurt - and ostracism hurts even more.

But it's not just boys - men do it, as well, although the damage is not as deep or long-lasting as it is in kids who are often unsure of themselves and simply want to fit in. In pro sports, men call each other names all of the time, most of which revolve around being woman-like or being other than heterosexual. This behavior has its own issues, which are slightly different (stereotypes about masculinity, the implicit negative connotations for women and gay men, and so on).

A new study shows what many of us have felt in our lives - ostracism hurts, and that hurt lasts a long time. In fact, there are even three common stages most people pass through if the ostracism is ongoing:

1. the initial acts of being ignored or excluded,
2. coping with the situation - trying harder, or failing that, aggression
3. resignation and giving up

Here is the full reference for the study: K. D. Williams, S. A. Nida. Ostracism: Consequences and Coping. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011; 20 (2): 71 DOI: 10.1177/0963721411402480

Pain of Ostracism Can Be Deep, Long-Lasting

ScienceDaily (May 10, 2011) — Ostracism or exclusion may not leave external scars, but it can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury, according to a Purdue University expert.

"Being excluded or ostracized is an invisible form of bullying that doesn't leave bruises, and therefore we often underestimate its impact," said Kipling D. Williams, a professor of psychological sciences. "Being excluded by high school friends, office colleagues, or even spouses or family members can be excruciating. And because ostracism is experienced in three stages, the life of those painful feelings can be extended for the long term. People and clinicians need to be aware of this so they can avoid depression or other negative experiences."

When a person is ostracized, the brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury, Williams said. The process of ostracism includes three stages: the initial acts of being ignored or excluded, coping and resignation.

Williams' research is reported in the current issue of Current Directions in Psychological Sciences. The article was co-authored by Steve A. Nida, associate provost and dean of The Citadel Graduate College and a professor of psychology.

"Being excluded is painful because it threatens fundamental human needs, such as belonging and self-esteem," Williams said. "Again and again research has found that strong, harmful reactions are possible even when ostracized by a stranger or for a short amount of time."

More than 5,000 people have participated in studies using a computer game designed by Williams to show how just two or three minutes of ostracism can produce lingering negative feelings.

"How can it be that such a brief experience, even when being ignored and excluded by strangers with whom the individual will never have any face-to-face interaction, can have such a powerful effect?" he said. "The effect is consistent even though individuals' personalities vary."

People also vary in how they cope, which is the second stage of ostracism. Coping can mean the person tries to harder be included. For example, some of those who are ostracized may be more likely to engage in behaviors that increase their future inclusion by mimicking, complying, obeying orders, cooperating or expressing attraction.

"They will go to great lengths to enhance their sense of belonging and self-esteem," Williams said.

If they feel there is little hope for re-inclusion or that they have little control over their lives, they may resort to provocative behavior and even aggression.

"At some point, they stop worrying about being liked, and they just want to be noticed," Williams said.

However, if a person has been ostracized for a long time, they may not have the ability to continue coping as the pain lingers. Some people may give up, Williams said.

"The third stage is called resignation. This is when people who have been ostracized are less helpful and more aggressive to others in general," he said. "It also increases anger and sadness, and long-term ostracism can result in alienation, depression, helplessness and feelings of unworthiness."

Williams is trying to better understand how ostracized individuals may be attracted to extreme groups and what might be the reactions of ostracized groups.

"These groups provide members with a sense of belonging, self-worth and control, but they can fuel narrowness, radicalism and intolerance, and perhaps a propensity toward hostility and violence toward others," he said. "When a person feels ostracized they feel out of control, and aggressive behavior is one way to restore that control. When these individuals come together in a group there can be negative consequences."

Williams is a professor in the Department of Psychological Sciences in Purdue's College of Health and Human Sciences.

Tags: Pain, Rejection, Exclusion, Deep, Long-Lasting, men, boys, bullying, ostracism, psychology, teasing, K. D. Williams, S. A. Nida, Consequences, Coping, Current Directions in Psychological Science, pain, emotions, rejection

Children Who Bully Peers Need More Involvement from Fathers

This is an interesting finding that further confirms that children need their fathers - or at least a regularly present male figure in their lives. Mothers' work hours did not seem to have the same impact. It's not quite as simple as this (home life, school experience, peer group involvement all play a part), but the researchers found that:

an interaction between father’s work hours and perceptions of time spent with him has one of the most robust associations with bullying for adolescents. When paternal employment is full- or overtime and youth perceive they do not spend enough with their fathers, bullying behavior increases.

The point that gets left out, I think, is that it is the perception of the child that makes the difference - what I mean is this: the father could be home all the time and not pay attention at all to their children and a father might work 50+ hours a week and when he is home, he spends as much quality time with his kids as possible. The first child will feel neglected and ignored and act out in some way, while the second child may more likely feel loved and cherished and do just fine with no out-of-the-ordinary acting out.

Bullying Behavior, Parents’ Work Hours and Early Adolescents’ Perceptions of Time Spent With Parents

C. André Christie-Mizell, PhD andre.christie-mizell@vanderbilt.edu, Department of Sociology

Jacqueline M. Keil
Mary Therese Laske
Jennifer Stewart

Abstract

This research investigates the relationships among bullying behavior, mother’s and father’s work hours, and early adolescents’ perceptions of whether they spend sufficient time with their parents. In cross-sectional models, we find maternal work hours are modestly associated with increases in bullying behavior. However, in more rigorous change models, our findings indicate that over time maternal work hours bear no direct relationship to bullying behavior. Moreover, in our final models, an interaction between father’s work hours and perceptions of time spent with him has one of the most robust associations with bullying for adolescents. When paternal employment is full- or overtime and youth perceive they do not spend enough with their fathers, bullying behavior increases. Other important factors that shape bullying behavior are the quality of the home environment and the adolescent’s school performance.

The article is fire-walled (pay per view), but the Freakanomics blog at the New York Times offers a brief summary of the findings.

Bullying at School? Blame the Father

By FREAKONOMICS

Busy fathers, pay attention: a new study finds that if your kids think you’re not spending enough time with them, they’re more likely to exhibit bullying behavior at school. C. Andre Christie-Mizell, Jacqueline M. Keil, Mary Therese Laske and Jennifer Stewart examined both parents’ working hours and children’s perception of time spent with their parents (i.e. do your kids think you work too much?), finding that “it was children’s perception of how much time they spent with their fathers that had the most impact on bullying behavior.” Interestingly, mothers’ working hours didn’t seem to have much of an effect on bullying behaviors. ”The findings about fathers and mothers are important because it turns what most of us think is conventional wisdom — that mothers have the most influence on children — on its ear,” says Christie-Mizell. “What this research shows is that while it’s equally important for kids to spend time with both parents, fathers need to make an extra effort.”

There is an even more in-depth look at the bullying element that appeared in Science Daily back in December.

Perception of Time Spent With Fathers Can Lead to Bullying

ScienceDaily (Jan. 28, 2011) — Do your children think you work too much and don't spend enough time with them? If so, their perception could lead to bullying behavior, according to research by Vanderbilt University sociologist Andre Christie-Mizell.

"Our behavior is driven by our perception of our world, so if children feel they are not getting enough time and attention from parents then those feelings have to go somewhere and it appears in interaction with their peers," said Christie-Mizell, an associate professor of sociology and licensed psychologist specializing in family therapy and the treatment of children with mood and behavior disorders.

His study, published in the journal Youth & Society, looked at two questions -- "What is the relationship between the number of hours parents work and adolescent bullying behavior?" and "What is the relationship between bullying behavior and youth's perceptions of the amount of time their parents spend with them?"

What Christie-Mizell found is that it was children's perception of how much time they spent with their fathers that had the most impact on bullying behavior.

Christie-Mizell began the research thinking that mothers' work hours -- since mothers overwhelmingly are the ones to care for and monitor children -- would be more likely to have an impact on whether children exhibited bullying behavior such as being cruel to others, being disobedient at school, hanging around kids who get in trouble, having a very strong temper and not being sorry for misbehaving. However, it was when fathers worked full time or overtime and children perceived that they did not spend enough time with their fathers that bullying behavior increased.

Mothers' work hours showed modest to no effect on bullying behavior. Christie-Mizell believes this is because children perceive mothers as being more accessible because they still handle most of the responsibilities at home as caregivers and family managers.

"The findings about fathers and mothers are important because it turns what most of us think is conventional wisdom -- that mothers have the most influence on children -- on its ear. What this research shows is that while it's equally important for kids to spend time with both parents, fathers need to make an extra effort," he said.

His suggestion is to set up a schedule for parent-child interaction in order to guide children's perceptions -- so, for example, a child knows that every Saturday morning he or she is going to have breakfast or play ball with Dad. Christie-Mizell says the interaction has to be purposeful so children know they will have this time, rather than the random, last-minute trip with Dad to the grocery store.

"Children need to know they have this scheduled time and it's important for fathers to try to keep to the schedule as much as possible. If fathers have to miss, then it's also important that they explain to the child why they have to miss their scheduled time and how what they are doing instead affects their family," he said.

Christie-Mizell studied the behavior and perceptions of 687 children who were 10 to 14 years old and living in two-parent homes in 2000. He measured their bullying behavior using a scale based on the Behavior Problem Index (BPI), a 28-item scale designed to assess typical childhood behavior syndromes. He also looked at their parents' work hours, with about 40 percent of the mothers and 47 percent of their spouses/partners working full-time -- on average 35 to 40 hours per week -- and 15 percent of mothers and 50 percent of their spouses/partners working overtime -- more than 40 hours per week.

Tags: fathers, children, bullying, parenting, psychology, Bullying Behavior, Parents, Work Hours, Early Adolescents, Perceptions. Time Spent With Parents, C. André Christie-Mizell, Jacqueline M. Keil, Mary Therese Laske, Jennifer Stewart, activities, Behavior Problem Index, quality time, play time, Youth & Society

Bullying, Part 2 - Targeting LGBT Youth

In part one of this two-part post, I offered an article from the Boston Globe on the horrible and lasting effects bullying can have on the child's brain. LGBT youth are easy targets for harassment and bullying by their fellow students, and even by school authorities (LGBT youth are 40 percent more likely than other teens to be punished by school authorities, police and the courts).

On the bright side, support and acceptance by parents can help mitigate the impact of that harassment - when that support and existence exists, that is. There is also, now, the It Gets Better Project, initiated by Dan Savage.

For a variety of reasons, gay youth are the most common targets. Lesbian youth are not as ostracized and transgender youth are far less common (though they may be more troubled if they are identified by peers). This comes from the It Gets Better Project website.

Growing up isn’t easy. Many young people face daily tormenting and bullying, leading them to feel like they have nowhere to turn. This is especially true for LGBT kids and teens, who often hide their sexuality for fear of bullying. Without other openly gay adults and mentors in their lives, they can't imagine what their future may hold. In many instances, gay and lesbian adolescents are taunted — even tortured — simply for being themselves.

Justin Aaberg. Billy Lucas. Cody Barker. Asher Brown. Seth Walsh. Raymond Chase. Tyler Clementi. They were tragic examples of youth who could not believe that it does actually get better.

While many of these teens couldn’t see a positive future for themselves, we can. The It Gets Better Project was created to show young LGBT people the levels of happiness, potential, and positivity their lives will reach – if they can just get through their teen years. The It Gets Better Project wants to remind teenagers in the LGBT community that they are not alone — and it WILL get better.

Fortunately, mental health services can also help - and may be a necessity when parents are not accepting and supportive. This comes from the Center for American Progress.

Idea of the Day: Mental Health Services Can Help LGBT Youth Cope with Harassment

December 9, 2010

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender teenagers are some of the most vulnerable of people in the United States today. They face discrimination and harassment from a variety of different sources: bullying and harassment in schools, rejection at home, and condemnation from media and religious organizations. A fear of persecution encourages many LGBT teens to keep their real identities hidden.

Living with the stress of a marginalized identity has clear and negative effects on the mental health of LGBT youth. They are consistently reported as having higher rates of depression and anxiety than their non-LGBT peers. Even more troubling, studies have demonstrated that these young adults are more likely than non-LGBT teenagers to engage in self-harm, have suicidal thoughts, and attempt suicide.

Providing LGBT adolescents with access to mental health services is essential to helping them cope with the extreme pressures that have led many of them to consider suicide. Numerous studies have already demonstrated the benefits of mental health treatment for people suffering from depression and other mood disorders. Mental health counseling and therapy have a high probability of improving the mental health and wellbeing of teens, even when unaccompanied by medication.

For more on this topic please see:

• Providing a Lifeline for LGBT Youth by Carlos Maza

I find it especially disturbing that adults - school officials, law enforcement, and the courts are more likely to punish LGBT youth that other young people. Apparently, lesbian youth are twice as likely to be stopped by police than their peers. My question on that would be: Is this about their sexual preference or is a form of sexual harassment?

Lesbian, gay and bisexual teens singled out for punishment

Posted On: December 6, 2010

Lesbian, gay and bisexual (LGB) adolescents are about 40 percent more likely than other teens to be punished by school authorities, police and the courts, according to a study by Yale University researchers. Published in the January 2011 issue of the journal Pediatrics, the study is the first to document excessive punishment of LGB youth nationwide.

"We found that virtually all types of punishment—including school expulsions, arrests, juvenile convictions, adult convictions and especially police stops—were more frequently meted out to LGB youth," said lead author Kathryn Himmelstein, who initiated the study while she was a Yale undergraduate. The research was supervised by Hannah Brueckner, professor of sociology and co-director of the Center for Research on Inequalities and the Life Course at Yale.

The study was based on the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (Add Health) and included about 15,000 middle and high school students who were followed for seven years into early adulthood. The study collected details on participants' sexuality, including feelings of sexual attraction, sexual relationships and self-labeling as LGB. Add Health also surveyed participants about how frequently they engaged in a variety of misbehaviors, ranging in severity from lying to parents, to using a weapon.

Add Health included detailed questions about school expulsions and contacts with the criminal justice system.

Himmelstein, who now teaches math at a public high school in New York City, said that adolescents who identified themselves as LGB were about 50 percent more likely to be stopped by police than other teenagers. Teens who reported feelings of attraction to members of the same sex, regardless of their self-identification, were more likely than other teens to be expelled from school or convicted of crimes as adults.

"Girls who labeled themselves as lesbian or bisexual were especially at risk for unequal treatment," said Himmelstein. "They reported experiencing twice as many police stops, arrests and convictions as other girls who had engaged in similar behavior. Although we did not explore the experiences of transgender youth, anecdotal reports suggest that they are similarly at risk for excessive punishment."

The study showed that these disparities in punishments are not explained by differences in the rates of misbehavior. In fact, the study showed that adolescents who identified themselves as LGB actually engaged in less violence than their peers.

"The painful, even lethal bullying that LGB youth suffer at the hands of their peers has been highlighted by recent tragic events," Himmelstein notes. "Our numbers suggest that school officials, police and judges, who should be protecting LGB youth, are instead singling them out for punishment based on their sexual orientation. LGB teens can't thrive if adults single them out for punishment because of their sexual orientation."

Brueckner added, "The study provides the first and only national estimates for over-representation of LGB youth in the criminal justice system. We simply did not have any good numbers on this before. We need more research on the processes that lead to this to help us identify ways to make our institutions more equitable with respect to policing all youth, regardless of race, gender, or sexual orientation."

~ Source: Yale University

Finally, there is this piece that shows how important it is for parents to be supportive. Many parents want to be supportive, but they were raised with values that reject LGBT people as sinful, or a mental illness, or whatever. They struggle to overcome their internalized beliefs - to accept and love their children - but they often do not know how. The Family Acceptance Project can help parents develop the skills they need.

Study finds family acceptance of LGBT youth protects against depression, substance abuse, suicide

Posted On: December 6, 2010

For the first time, researchers have established a clear link between accepting family attitudes and behaviors towards their lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) children and significantly decreased risk and better overall health in adulthood. The study shows that specific parental and caregiver behaviors -- such as advocating for their children when they are mistreated because of their LGBT identity or supporting their gender expression -- protect against depression, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts in early adulthood.

In addition, LGBT youth with highly accepting families have significantly higher levels of self-esteem and social support in young adulthood. The study is published in the Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, a journal of the International Society of Psychiatric-Mental Health Nurses, in a peer-reviewed article titled "Family Acceptance in Adolescence and the Health of LGBT Young Adults."

Despite all the recent attention to health risks and disparities for lesbian, gay and bisexual youth, prior to this study, little was known about how families express acceptance and support for their LGBT children. Moreover, no prior research had examined the relationship between family acceptance of LGBT adolescents and health and mental health concerns in emerging adulthood.

"At a time when the media and families are becoming acutely aware of the risk that many LGBT youth experience, our findings that family acceptance protects against suicidal thoughts and behaviors, depression and substance abuse offer a gateway to hope for LGBT youth and families that struggle with how to balance deeply held religious and personal values with love for their LGBT children," said Dr. Caitlin Ryan, PhD, Director of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University. "I have worked on LGBT health and mental health for 35 years and putting our research into practice by developing a new model to help diverse families support their LGBT children is the most hopeful work I've ever done."

Ann P. Haas, Ph.D., Director of Prevention Projects for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, noted, "With this new groundbreaking study, Ryan and her colleagues have provided the strongest evidence to date that acceptance and support from parents and caregivers promote well-being among LGBT youth and help protect them from depression and suicidal behavior. These findings open the door to a whole new focus on how families can be helped to more fully engage in the kind of behaviors that reduce suicide risk in LGBT adolescents and young adults."

"Times have changed," said Stephen Russell, PhD, President Elect of the Society for Research on Adolescence and a consultant to the Family Acceptance Project. "More and more families want to be accepting of their children. Yet, many families still struggle when a child comes out as LGBT. It's essential to have research like this to deeply understand the ways that families show their acceptance, so that we can identify how to support families."

The study, authored by Dr. Caitlin Ryan and her team from the Family Acceptance Project, which shows that accepting behaviors of parents and caregivers towards their LGBT children are protective against mental health risks – including suicidal behaviors -- has critical implications for changing how families relate to their LGBT children and how LGBT youth are served by a wide range of providers across disciplines and systems of care, including custodial care systems such as foster care. The study was funded by The California Endowment, a health foundation dedicated to expanding access to affordable, quality health care for underserved individuals and communities.

Major Research Findings:

• Family accepting behaviors towards LGBT youth during adolescence protect against suicide, depression and substance abuse.
• LGBT young adults who reported high levels of family acceptance during adolescence had significantly higher levels of self-esteem, social support and general health, compared to peers with low levels of family acceptance.
• LGBT young adults who reported low levels of family rejection during adolescence were over three times more likely to have suicidal thoughts and to report suicide attempts, compared to those with high levels of family acceptance.
• High religious involvement in families was strongly associated with low acceptance of LGBT children.

Dr. Ryan and her team at the Family Acceptance Project are currently developing a new evidence-based family model of wellness, prevention and care for LGBT adolescents, with funding from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. This model uses a behavioral approach to help ethnically and religiously diverse families decrease rejection and increase support for their LGBT children to reduce risk for suicide, depression, substance abuse, and HIV, to promote well-being and to prevent homelessness and placement in custodial care. This systems-level approach helps communities and providers to engage diverse families as allies in decreasing their LGBT children's risk and increasing their well-being while respecting the family's deeply held values. This work is being conducted in English, Spanish and Chinese with families from all ethnic backgrounds, including immigrant and very low income families, and those whose children are out-of-home in foster care and juvenile justice facilities.

The existing approach to serving LGBT adolescents by pediatricians, nurses, social workers, school counselors and others has focused almost exclusively on serving LGBT youth alone and through peer support, rather than in the context of their families, and does not consider the impact of family reactions on the adolescent's health and well-being.

In addition to providing direct services for families with LGBT children and working with communities in the U.S., the Family Acceptance Project is collaborating with organizations, providers, advocates and families to develop an international movement of family acceptance to promote wellness and healthy futures for LGBT children, youth and young adults.

"Family Acceptance in Adolescence and the Health of LGBT Young Adults" is the third in a series of research papers on outcomes related to family acceptance and rejection of LGBT adolescents, supporting positive LGBT youth development, school experiences and providing family-related care to be released by the Family Acceptance Project.

These studies will be published in peer-reviewed journals designed for providers, caregivers and practitioners from a wide range of disciplines and practice settings.

~ Source: San Francisco State University

Here are a few resources for LGBT youth and their families - if you need some support, these people can help, and connect you with someone who can.

National Sexuality Resource Center

2017 Mission Street, Suite 300
San Francisco, CA 94110
415-437-5121 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 415-437-5121 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
nsrcinfo@sfsu.edu
nsrc.sfsu.edu

The National Sexuality Resource Center is a sexuality information center affiliated with the Human Sexuality Studies Program at San Francisco State University (SFSU). The Center collects and disseminates the latest information and research on sexual health, education, and rights to advocates, academics, researchers, policy makers, and diverse communities throughout the U.S.

LGBT Family-Related Organizations

PFLAG

(National Federation of Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays)
1726 M Street, N.W., Suite 400
Washington, DC, 20036
202-467-8180 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 202-467-8180 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
www.pflag.org

National organization for education, advocacy and support for families and friends of LGBT persons. Chapters are available in all states – check website for local chapters and educational materials for families.

HRC FamilyNet

Human Rights Campaign
1640 Rhode Island Avenue
Washington, DC 20036
202-628-4160 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 202-628-4160 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
www.hrc.org

A resource and online information base for LGBT families sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign.

Children of Lesbian and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE)

2300 Market Street, Box 165
San Francisco, CA 94114
415-861-5437 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 415-861-5437 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
www.colage.org

National organization for children of LGBT parents.

Family Pride Coalition

PO Box 65327
Washington, DC 20035-5327
202-331-5015 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 202-331-5015 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
www.familypride.org

National organization to provide advocacy and support for LGBT parents and their families.

LGBT Youth Organizations

National Youth Advocacy Coalition

1638 R Street NW, Suite 300
Washington, DC 20009
202.319.7596 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 202.319.7596 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Toll-free: 800-541-6922 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 800-541-6922 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
www.nyacyouth.org

National advocacy organization for LGBT youth. Youth conferences and education.

Tags: teasing, bullying, GLBT, gay, lesbians, young people, teenagers, parents, homosexuality, homophobia, It Gets Better Project, Dan Savage, transgender, police, teachers, schools, courts, Mental Health Services, parenting, law enforcement