This article comes from NPR's Men in America series, which has been running throughout the summer.

'You're Not Alone': Dads Who Blog Redefine Modern Fatherhood

by Jennifer Ludden

August 15, 2014

4 min 35 sec

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Brent Almond with his 4-year-old son, Jon. Almond began blogging several years ago to review kids' products, but soon found that he got more satisfaction from chronicling daily life as a father.Jennifer Ludden/NPR 

 

When graphic designer Brent Almond adopted a son a few years ago, he was struck — like so many new parents — by the steep learning curve, the sheer hard work of parenting and the overwhelming array of kiddie stuff he found himself having to buy.

So he launched a blog, Designer Daddy, to review products for their aesthetic value. But he soon found he got far more out of chronicling daily life as a father.

"It causes me to pause and think about things happening in my son's life and our life as parents and as a family," he says.


Almond is among hundreds of daddy bloggers who've taken to the Web in recent years — a logical outgrowth, perhaps, of the record number of stay-at-home and single fathers.

According to the Pew Research Center, there were 2 million stay-at-home dads in 2012, nearly double the number from 1989. And overall, the time fathers spend with their children has nearly tripled from a generation ago.

Many bloggers see their role as helping to define the modern dad. For Almond, that means challenging stereotypes not just of men, but also of gay men. He and his husband were the first same-sex couple to become parents in their social circle in Kensington, Md., but he's found a community of others online.

One of the first things he wrote about was the baby wipes he bought at Target, called Mom to Mom. "I'm like, 'Are we not allowed to use these?' " he says, laughing. "Did dads not ever use wipes?"

The social media conglomerate BlogHer recently honored Almond as a "Voice of the Year" for one of his posts. He wrote about being at the mall — disheveled, exhausted, chasing his toddler — when he ran into a young gay couple he knew. They were the guys his gay men's chorus had voted "cutest couple," well-dressed and heading to a play. Almond wondered, "Is Being a Dad Turning Me Straight?"

"Exhibit A: I no longer go to my gossipy, orgasmic shampoo-giving stylist. I now get my hair cut by an old, Greek barber within walking distance of my house."

He also wears the same gray T-shirts every day, lets his house get messy and, he writes, "Oh, the horror. Sometimes I leave the house wearing a black belt with brown shoes."

Any sleep-deprived mom with spit-up on her shirt can relate.

Beyond blogs, dads are also finding each other through a slew of daddy podcasts. Ryan E. Hamilton co-hosts the After Show podcast on Life of Dad. It brings on dad bloggers to talk about everything from sports to work-life balance to what is the appropriate age to let your child play the crazy popular video game Minecraft.

Oddly enough, Hamilton says half those who come to Life of Dad's podcasts and blogs are women.

"I get the sense that it's women kind of peeking through the peephole," he says. "You know, 'What's my husband going through that he's not quite opening up to me about?' "

Hamilton's opened up a lot, blogging about his struggles with divorce and depression and discovering he's not alone.

"And you're not alone in bigger and more grandiose ways than you ever thought," he says. "There've been complete strangers that have become probably some of my best friends, just by virtue of the fact that I've opened up and shared the good, bad and ugliest parts of my life."

"One thing I'm very proud of in the dad blogger community is that we really are supportive of each other," says Scott Behson, a professor of management at Fairleigh Dickinson University who has his own blog, Fathers, Work, and Family.

Behson says the dad blogging community is diverse — across age, race, income — and fathers have largely avoided the stay-at-home vs. working parent drama of the mommy wars.

"Society puts so much pressure on women to be this 'ideal mother,' " he says, "that they feel really torn no matter what they do, that they're not doing it right. And I think society hasn't placed that on fathers, so maybe we have it easier in that regard."

Even so, Behson says fathers do face entrenched, negative stereotypes: deadbeat dad, part-time dad, bumbling dad. Two years ago, daddy bloggers took on a number of big-brand TV commercials that fostered such perceptions. Huggies diapers took the most heat for portraying dads as inept, and the company quickly pulled the ad and remade it.

This year, blogger Zach Rosenberg at 8BitDad screened 140 commercials, spoiling for a fight. "And then my results actually surprised me," he writes.

By and large, Rosenberg found this year's crop of commercial dads loving, respected and competent — just like dad bloggers have been saying they are.

Dads Reflect on the Unexpected Moments that Defined Them as Parents

Happy Father's Day to the dad's out there. Here is an article from The Atlantic on the joyful moments of being a father. Judith Ohikuare interviews Brian Gresko, author of When I First Held You: 22 Critically Acclaimed Writers Talk About the Triumphs, Challenges, and Transformative Experience of Fatherhood.

What Makes Men Fathers

Dads reflect on the unexpected moments that defined them as parents.

Judith Ohikuare  

Jun 14 2014

Michaela Rehle/Reuters

As writer and stay-at-home dad Brian Gresko sees it, narratives about fatherhood are slowly but surely becoming more present in overall conversations about parenthood. He notes that programs like NBC’s Today have honed in on dads by rebranding long-running segments like Today Moms into Today Parents (with an extra nod to Modern Dads). And online, Gresko says, “There’s definitely a growing trajectory of men writing honestly and openly about parenting” as a counterbalance to the well-established mommy-blogosphere.

Still, Gresko notes that while “there are also the so-called momoirs,” that genre doesn’t quite exist yet for dads. His new anthology, When I First Held You, compiles 22 essays on fatherhood from a host of distinguished contemporary attempts to showcase the wide range of experiences that men have as they grapple with being called “Dad.” I spoke with Gresko about the changing nature of fatherhood and visibility inside and outside of the home.

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When did you become a stay-at-home dad and why was that the best decision for your family at the time?

My decision to be a writer and to be a dad all came kind of at the same time for me, or out of the same catalyst. At the time, my then-girlfriend was nearing 30 and wanted to have a family. That was a stumbling block in our relationship, and I took a year to get some space, and teach, and write in China. While I was there, I not only fell into a more regular practice of writing, but I also decided that I did, indeed, want to get married and start a family. When I came back home, I enrolled in an MFA program at The New School, my wife and I got married, and she became pregnant.

My son was born a week after I got out of school, so my wife wanted to go back to work. I had taken myself out of a career path at that point already, and it appealed to me to stay at home and have time to write in the evenings and while my son napped. But it also really appealed to me emotionally because even though I had not wanted to be a father for most of my life, I had decided to embrace it as fully as I could.

What was the environment like for stay-at-home dads at the time?

This was in Brooklyn in 2009, so it wasn’t foreign, but even today it’s much more normal to see guys walking around with their babies strapped to them or with strollers. A few guys would give me looks like, You’re walking around with a baby? What’s up with that?—but it was mostly women.

I would get unsolicited advice, as if I didn’t know what I was doing and nannies looking for work would kind of assume that I would rather be working, and that I must be looking for someone to take care of my child. To take yourself out of the workforce was seen as very strange. I was met with, “Well, this must be a nice little vacation for you,” or “You must be taking a sabbatical to try and reboot yourself. I wish I could do that,” instead of recognizing what I was doing as another kind of work. So, those first couple of years when I was at home with my son were very lonely.

How did you feel about fatherhood when you became a dad, especially since as you say, you didn’t actually want to be one for most of your life?

When I was a child, my parents revealed to me that the guy I grew up thinking was my biological father was actually my adopted father. It was a really tense conversation and an uncomfortable thing for them to talk about, so we never discussed it again after that. During the process of my dad legally adopting me, my parents had been asked, “How would you address this with the child?” They were advised to talk about it with me at an early age, but not bring it up again unless I wanted to, and that’s what they did. Partly because of my natural temperament, which was to avoid making waves, and partly because I felt that my parents were still upset about it, I felt somewhat shameful and kind of guilty that I had caused this upset for them, so I kind of swallowed it.

But I always felt very different. When I was a teenager, I was more academic and a natural reader, and my parents are a little more sporty and great at fixing things around the house—things that I just didn’t have an inclination for. I started thinking that maybe I was different because my biological father had given me something other than what I was getting at home, and being such a reader, I started to imagine that he was someone like Henry Miller. I really fell in love with Henry Miller and it made sense to me that if [my father] was this really bright, creative guy, then he couldn’t be tied down to a kid since he was pursuing his own artistic path.

All of that synched into this identity for me, where I was going to be a writer and an artist, but I would not be a family person—and that felt right because of what I was interested in, and also because of the pain that I had around the idea of fatherhood and around the idea of family.

So what led you to making this book?

I wanted to hear from guys that are really amazing artists and writers, that you could be a great writer and also be a loving, engaged, active father. That, from the start, is something that has surprised me about fatherhood. I had always completely accepted the idea that a writer or artist had to choose between their work and having a family, but that is not the case.

You want to be the best dad you possibly can, but it's impossible to always have as much patience as kids require.

 

In fact, the experience of having a kid opens you up emotionally in a way that [causes] you to see the world totally differently. You feel things more deeply; you feel love in a different way. You might have only experienced romantic love and now you’re experiencing this really warm sense of protection for another human being. You feel vulnerable; you want to protect them but you know you can’t. You want to be the best dad you possibly can, but it’s impossible to always have as much patience as kids require, or to be your best self all the time. Those feelings can really feed your creative work, and that’s something I never anticipated.
That’s interesting, especially given the idea that corporate careers are the ones that limit family time, while “creative” ones are seen as more flexible or accommodating—even though writing can be a very solitary thing.

I think of the old Modernist image of the male writer as being unattached and kind of hardheaded; someone hard-drinking with big opinions. Norman Mailer comes to mind, or Kerouac, or Henry Miller, or even Hemingway, who has this macho air about him. He had kids and writes about them a little bit, but mostly writes about going out to bullfights, and on fishing trips, and drinking at bars. That stereotype still looms large.

Writing is a very solitary act and it requires that you have time to think into your imagination and be alone, but it’s also a communicative art. You’re writing about people and that requires not just knowing yourself but [also] paying attention to what goes around you. Most people on this planet become parents at some point, so these are really universal relationships. The men in this book have written books that are just as hard and heavy-hitting as any of the books Modernist authors would have put out—but they’re also really engaged with their families and they don’t hide that.

How does the title of the book relate to the idea of fatherhood? For many women who give birth, experiencing the physical changes that accompany pregnancy might help them feel a connection to their children sooner, whereas men might continue to grapple with the reality of being a parent until there’s actually a baby in front of them.

Women experience those changes in many different ways. I know friends who have said that they loved being pregnant, and there are other people like my wife who just did not enjoy it. But men are completely outside of that. The experience of their partner’s pregnancy is very abstract. We don’t really ever have the experience of our bodies being out of control unless we’re sick—and when that happens, it’s weird. With pregnancy, you’re taking care of this creature that’s growing inside of you, and it’s changing you and making you feel all sorts of things. A guy can hear about that and know the baby is coming, but it’s not a physical reality in the same way that it is for a woman.

That’s something that came up in several of the essays without me asking anybody to put that in. Stephen O’Connor—who was a guy that knew he wanted to be a dad from an early age—writes about how even after his son was born, those early days of infancy were so demanding that he didn’t actually feel like he fully loved his son until there was a health crisis. Then, after hearing that his son is going to be okay, he realizes how terribly, life-alteringly upset he would have been if something tragic had happened, and how inexorably connected they are. That every day, from now on, his son’s happiness will affect his happiness.

You can hold a little baby that isn't your child, and it can be a profoundly moving experience. 

In my own [life] story, that was something that my dad said to me. He and my mom had been high school sweethearts, and when she got pregnant and my biological father said that he didn’t want to be a part of it, my adopted dad rekindled their friendship, and then eventually they got married.
He said that in those early days, he wasn’t sure what was going to happen with him, but when he first held me, he knew that he wanted to stick around for not only the love that he and my mom were developing, but also to just be there for me. I think that’s really powerful—that you can hold a little baby that isn’t your child, and it can be a profoundly moving experience.

Did any of the stories in the book resonate with you in particular?

Garth Stein writes in his essay about sharing a bed with his wife and his toddler son, and how this child is lying in between him and his wife like the sword lay between Tristan and Isolde, keeping them separate. Having a little boy, you hear this thing about sons and how much they love their moms, and that image in Stein’s essay really struck a chord with me, because my son has always had a very strong, Oedipal love for his mom. “When I grow up, I’m going to get married to you, mom!” he’ll say, and I never anticipated that.

My wife basically comes home every day to these two guys who are so happy to see her: me, because I’ve spent the whole afternoon with just my son, so I’m happy to see another grown-up, and he gets so excited because now she’s home and can play with him a little bit before dinner. We’re both kind of going, “Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!” It does sometimes feel like we’re competing for her attentions and affections, and in that sense, Garth’s story really resonated with me.

Was there any commonality in terms of what men and women were saying was hard about being a parent?

I think everyone worries about how good a job they’re doing, and that’s kind of a big secret among parents. You worry that you’re messing your kids up in some way—and you know that you kind of are, which is anxious-making. You have these tiny, little conversations with your kids sometimes—“How was school?”—and then they reveal these big things. All of a sudden you’re in the midst of this really intense conversation wondering, what I should say? What’s the right thing to do? Both men and women have that same sense of, gosh I don’t know; I just hope I’m doing the right thing and that that’s good enough—but nobody knows any better than you do.

This post comes from the Fathers, Work, and Family blog, back in January of this year. The discussion with Erin Rehel sheds some light on fathers and the value of paternity leave.

Expert Perspectives: Erin Rehel on Fatherhood, Masculinity and Paternity Leave

Sociologist Erin Rehel conducted a fascinating research study on paternity leave and changing perceptions of masculinity. Here’s a Q and A with Dr. Rehel about her research and its implications for working dads.

Dr. Erin Rehel recently conducted a fascinating study about fatherhood, paternity leave and masculinity
Tell us a bit about your study

My research examines the connection between fatherhood, work, social policy, and shifting ideals of masculinity in the United States and Canada. I conducted 85 interviews with fathers and their partners. I find that fathers today draw think differently about masculinity and fatherhood, but there are societal and workplace barriers that force many dads to fall back into less involved parenting roles.

In this particular study, “When Dad Stays Home Too: Paternity Leave, Gender, and Parenting,” (forthcoming in Gender & Society), I argue that when fathers experience the transition to parenthood in ways similar to mothers, through formal or informal paternity leave, they come to think about and do parenting in ways that are similar to mothers.

Paternity leave provides the space necessary for fathers to develop the parenting skills and sense of responsibility that allows them to be active co-parents rather than helpers to their female partners. This shift from a manager-helper dynamic to that of co-parenting creates opportunities for a more gender-equitable division of labor.

What are some of the commonalities of the men who take paternity leave?

The majority of the men who took leave lived in Quebec, where the government provides up to 5 weeks of paid paternity leave at a wage replacement level of 70% (up to a maximum, of course). Statistics show that about 80% of Quebec fathers now take advantage of this policy, suggesting that providing paid leave is very important.

In the US, the fathers who took leave–sometimes unpaid leave–were actually quite similar in many ways to their non-leave taking colleagues. In general, fathers who did not take leave had some type of family support in childcare, such as grandparents, often right from when the baby was born. Also, dads in dual-earner couples were more likely to take leave, perhaps because of more economic freedom to do so and more egalitarian attitudes.

How do dads who took leave say they’ve benefitted from doing so?

Fathers who took leave overwhelmingly said they enjoyed the experience. Many said it allowed them to really understand what it meant to take care of an infant, all the things that go into a daily routine. This presence allowed them to participate in all aspects of infant care, giving them confidence in their skills. Others spoke of how it brought them closer to their partners, as it gave them the time and space to do parenting together. This shared experience, while exhausting, was something that both fathers and mothers spoke of in their interviews.


I was very fortunate to spend a lot of time with Nick after he was born. I wish all dads had the same opportunity
How could we encourage more men to take leave?

Leave-taking in the US is still not very common, even if we hear of more and more employers providing paid paternity leave. In less-than-stable economic times, people are worried about doing anything that might jeopardize their jobs. This is completely understandable.

I think we can encourage men to take leave in a number of ways. I think employers who do offer leave need to be clear about that yes, this is a policy we support and yes, we encourage you to take it. Make employees aware of the policy and make it a straightforward process. Have more senior people be vocal about their support for the policy. These small organizational culture elements are really quite key in creating an environment where fathers feel able to take leave.

As far as encouraging individual men to take leave, I think it’s important for fathers who do take leave to talk about it. But not just about how wonderful it was, because I think those types of only positive narratives make people skeptical, but also about the challenges faced. I think getting mothers to encourage their partners to take leave can also go a long way to making men feel welcome and important in parenting.

Really, though, it is about changing how we understand masculinity. If we continue to value a form of masculinity that doesn’t leave much space for caring, that values paid work over care work, men aren’t going to see paternity leave as a desirable option. While 3 days isn’t much, I think Major League Baseball has done quite a bit of work in this area with their paternity leave list. It’s these types of cultural shifts that I think can make significant differences in how men understand their place in families and their families in relation to work.

How could we encourage more employers to offer paternity leave?

I think there is a compelling business case to be made for paternity leave. We have more and more evidence that compensation isn’t the only thing workers are looking for from employers. If employers want top talent, they need to offer the things that will attract that top talent. Workplace flexibility and family-supportive policies are ways to attract and retain top talent.

Any advice for dads who can’t/didn’t take leave as they still try hard to be involved fathers?

I think taking leave has real potential to help fathers develop the skills and confidence necessary to be co-parents along with their partners, but I don’t think it’s the only way. I think being an involved father requires intentionality, patience, and a supportive partner.

If a father’s partner has more hands-on experience with the child, they both have to be ok with it perhaps taking a bit longer to sooth a crying baby (hard to do, I know) or to feed a toddler who is use to the mother doing it.

Really, it’s about getting in there and making it happen: ask to do things and get involved. Or better yet, take over a task–a regularly-occurring, time-consuming, perhaps not always fun, task. Be the bath person. Or the get-everyone-ready-in-the-morning person. Of course don’t have that be the only thing you do, but taking over a significant task has the potential to snowball into doing lots of other, related tasks.

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Thanks, Erin! What do you think about this interview? Your thoughts about fatherhood and paternity leave? Let’s discuss in the comments section.

Like the article? Think it would make for a good facebook, reddit or twitter conversation? Then please share it using the buttons below. You can also follow the blog via email, facebook or twitter. Thanks!

~ Erin M. Rehel is an Assistant Professor of Sociology at Youngstown State University. She completed her PhD in Sociology, with a certificate in Women’s and Gender Studies, from Vanderbilt University in 2013. Her research considers the intersection of gender, family, and work, with a particular focus on how fathers experience work -family conflict. You can follow her on twitter.

Don't be this dad, okay? Please . . . .

Dad’s Been On A Parenting Kick Lately

ISSUE 49•44 • Oct 28, 2013

AUSTIN, TX—In the most recent of a long string of hobbies and obsessions to completely absorb the local father’s attention, friends and family reported Monday that Jacob Rossbach, 35, has been on a serious parenting jag lately. “In the past few days, he’s just been going nuts with the paternal encouragement and affection stuff—he’s really gotten into it lately,” said daughter Jenny, 7, adding that while she’s not sure what put the parenting bug in her dad’s ear, her father now spends nearly all his free time on activities such as doling out advice, providing material assistance, and imparting wisdom to his two children. “A few minutes ago he stopped by my room just to tell me he was proud of me. He’s done that five times today. It’s like, huh, guess he’s going through a little nurturing-his-children phase or something.” The sudden burst of commitment to his paternal duties reportedly replaces a fiscal responsibility kick that dominated the previous week and a half of Rossbach’s life.

The Looming Daddy Wars - Alyssa Rosenberg Speaks with Marc Tracy on Critic Proof (Bloggingheads.tv)

On this week's episode of Critic Proof on Bloggingheads.tv, Alyssa Rosenberg (who blogs at Think Progress and The XX Factor for The Atlantic) speaks with Marc Tracy (blogs at Jewish Jocks and The New Republic) about his recent article, Here Comes the Daddy Wars.

Alyssa Rosenberg (Think Progress, The Atlantic, The XX Factor) and Marc Tracy (The New Republic, Jewish Jocks)

On Critic Proof, Alyssa asks Marc about his recent article on the looming "Daddy Wars." Why aren't men having the same conversation as women about having it all? They explore how sitcoms portray fatherhood, and focus in particular on the tragedy of 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy. In the wake of James Gandolfini's recent death, they discuss the complex depiction of fatherhood on The Sopranos. Finally, they consider Don Draper's parenting skills in the just-concluded sixth season of Mad Men. (contains spoilers)

PLAY ENTIRE VIDEO 

FOLLOW: Alyssa Rosenberg Marc Tracy

Recorded: Jun 27 Posted: Jun 28, 2013
Download: wmv | mp4 | mp3 | fast mp3

LINKS MENTIONED

• Marc's article on the Daddy Wars in TNR
• Anne-Marie Slaughter's blockbuster Atlantic piece on "having it all"
• The Daddy Wars Tumblr
• Marc's remembrance of James Gandolfini
• Alyssa on Gandolfini's non-Sopranos work
• Alyssa on Gandolfini and antiheroes
• Alyssa on the Mad Men finale and the tragedy of Pete Campbell

Jennifer Kromberg - How Dads Shape Daughters’ Adult Relationships

Fathers can have a tremendous impact on the future relationships of their daughters, especially their romantic relationships. We tend to think of this more in terms of the father-daughter dynamic during the crucial years of development (ages 3-9). However, as this post from Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD at her Inside Out blog on Psychology Today, even the earliest experiences a daughter may have with her father (during the primary attachment years of birth-3 years) can shape her idea of a what a man should be, and this shapes her future attractions (to men who are like dad), a fact to which she will often be unaware unless it is revealed in therapy or some other self-exploration process.

How Dads Shape Daughters’ Relationships

Dad creates a daughter's conscious and unconscious relationship expectations

Published on July 1, 2013 by Jennifer Kromberg, PsyD in Inside Out

Image: Flickr/Aurthur40A

Many years ago, I sat with my family in the lobby of a restaurant waiting to be seated. Out of nowhere, a very little girl toddled around the corner and walked straight up to my 6’5”, 325 lb. dad and laughed and babbled at him. It was a scene straight from the movie Monsters Inc.

Within seconds, a young man equal in size and stature to my dad rounded the corner and in a very deep, kind voice said to the toddler, “Rachel, where did you go?” Rachel laughed and her dad picked her up high in the air, nodded an acknowledgment to my dad and walked out of the restaurant.

Even my dad was a little surprised at the little girl’s courage, but it didn’t take a PhD to deduce that not only was tiny little Rachel not afraid of my big, huge dad, she was actually attracted to him. When I say “attracted” I don’t mean in a creepy, inappropriate way. I mean that in a group of people of different heights and sizes, she was drawn to the one who most resembled her own dad.

It makes sense, doesn’t it? As infants, we take in a complete sensory experience of our everyday surroundings and this shapes our perception of normalcy. If, like Rachel and me, everyday experiences included a giant, deep-voiced, lumberjack man, then that is what we imprinted as normal. Not only does this influence ring true, but many, many studies including this from the Journal of Genetic Psychology have shown the influence of fathers on their daughters’ relationships.

If there was a dad or other male caregiver in your early life, he probably set the first model of how a relationship with a man would be. And for better or for worse, regardless of circumstances, children love their parents/caregivers unconditionally and accept the attachment and love that is (or is not!) given in return as normal. Our first attachment patterns shape our expectations for future attachments. Overtly and also unintentionally, our parents teach us how to approach our lives and relationships – they teach us how to express and receive love, how to handle disagreements, how to process feelings, etc. Our parents shape and color the lens through which we see and organize meaning about other human interactions.

So a woman’s early relationship with dad, who is usually the first male object of her love, shapes her conscious and unconscious perceptions of what she can expect and what is acceptable in a romantic partner.

In my years of psychology practice, I’ve met very few women who did not unconsciously or consciously pick a romantic partner based on the characteristics of her father. I don’t mean only physical characteristics, although that can also be present – I mean relational pattern characteristics. Even the women that state they chose partners who were opposite of their dad are basing their decisions on the relationship (or non-relationship) with dad – a choice to go opposite is still a choice based on dad.

So, does this mean that today Rachel is married to a lumberjack who chases her around in restaurants? I have no idea, but chances are whatever relationship she’s in is influenced by her early relationship with her father. What does this mean for all us? A lot. And in upcoming posts I’ll address exactly what. Topics will explore how different, early attachment patterns (including no attachment) can affect our current relationship choices and how we respond in relationships. Please stay tuned and join in the conversation!

Twitter: @JenKrombergPsyD
Facebook: www.facebook/Dr-Jennifer-Kromberg

Marc Tracy - Here Come the Daddy Wars

This article originally appeared at The New Republic just before Father's Day (obviously I am a little bit behind in my posting), but the main points are still highly relevant. Men are going to face some tough decisions (some already are) and there are going to be some intense societal struggles in determining how men should be fathers and how much they will be allowed to be fathers.

I don't see there being any time soon where men are given equal post-natal time off from work (paid or unpaid, but with job and position security) to that of women - hell we don't even offer women much on average. It's not likely we will be anywhere near France's (22 paid days off, 318 total days off), Spain's (18 paid, 312 total), Germany's (47 paid, 170 total), Sweden's (47 paid, 163 total), or Norway's (44 paid, 150 total) position on parenting in my lifetime . . . or yours.

For the record, the U.S. offers 0 paid days and 24 total days off for maternity/family leave (these are days given by law, and all stats are from 2008).

Here Come the Daddy Wars

June 14, 2013
BY MARC TRACY

The average American spends $144 celebrating Mother’s Day, while for Father’s Day, the figure is $82. And that Father’s Day was inspired by Mother’s Day rather than vice versa is probably the least surprising fact you will read today. Mainly, Mother’s Day’s relative prominence is a vestige—and, to a lesser extent, a reflection—of society’s view that women are primarily mothers whereas men are fathers but also other things. This view not only gives women whose ambitions extend beyond the household a bum deal—for reasons I hope I don’t have to elucidate!—but it also fails men who might like to be more prominent as fathers and caregivers than societal norms currently encourage.

Women have fabricated a way of talking about the conflict between women who hope to find most of their self-fulfillment in the home and those for whom being a homemaker and child-rearer is not enough—and not only that, but believe it should not be enough for most women. This is the enlightened, productive side of what are commonly called the Mommy Wars. My question, as Father’s Day approaches, is: Where are the Daddy Wars?

Every day I see smart, career-ambitious women having an intelligent, heated conversation, informed by personal experience and strewn with first principles, about what a woman’s proper roles are, and what society, men, and other women could do to realize a better world. I don’t feel as though I’ve been kept out. But I do think men have been altogether too shy about joining this conversation or, perhaps, starting their own.

However, in the past few weeks, there have been a bevy of articles and studies that all point to this news: At long last, the Daddy Wars are coming.

The trends are both economic and sociological. Economically, as writers like Hanna Rosin have amply documented, women are finally gaining some level of equality with men—not at the very top, but at least in the middle. A new Pew report found that four in ten households with children have a woman as the prime or sole breadwinner, up from one in ten 50 years ago. Partly this is a function of single mothers, but in more than five million of such households, the mother is married yet simply makes more than the husband—and in such marriages, median income is higher. A Third Way study noted that employment trends are better for women than for men.

Esquire recently published an essay by Richard Dorment on the work-life balance that men face. It was fashioned as a response to Anne-Marie Slaughter’s “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” Atlantic feature (which made mention of how men face similar quandaries) and unfortunately was riddled with condescension for the same people—chiefly, feminists—who should be his allies. (Salon’s Irin Carmon did a good job pointing out this curious dynamic.) Still it captured, I think, the feelings of many men, fathers and not, who were brought up to think in terms of career and providing for their families financially, with actual work at home getting short shrift.

Most men stress over the next step in their professions, with the attitude that if they happen to fall in love and settle down, well, that’s great, too. But recently, in many cases inspired by the women in our lives and the conversation they are having among themselves, we have begun to question whether our most basic priorities aren’t out of whack, and to wonder whether, for reasons both social and surprisingly biological, we shouldn’t be as “ambitious” to have children as we are to land the next great job. Plus, having had children, many of us hope to play a more active role in their upbringing than has typically been expected of fathers. Many of us were lucky to have mothers who, whatever other ambitions and accomplishments they had, clearly took great joy in raising us; some of us were even lucky enough to have similar fathers. Do we want it “all”? Who knows (or cares). But we want that.

In a smart response on New York’s The Cut blog, Kurt Soller noted that men will probably have to take their cues from ladyblogs and the like as they navigate this issue, and offered several smart thoughts, including the observation that when men mentor other men, the subject matter is almost exclusively confined to the professional and romantic, not the domestic. (He also noted that as a late-twenty-something he should be as fretful as many of his same-aged female friends are about the looming having-kids prospect, which is true, if also—gulp—terrifying.) Yet even Soller seemed somewhat uncomfortable raising this topic: “As ridiculous as this seems,” he wrote, “the Esquire article had me realizing that a lot of the anxiety surrounding ‘leaning in’ or ‘having it all’ does feel relevant to me as a man.”

The next step, therefore, is to make this not feel at all ridiculous. Because it isn’t. The next step is to make a magazine devoted to artisinal Brooklyn fatherdom more than a quaint Talk of the Town subject. It is to encourage, socially and even legally, paternity leave, which a large share of men don’t take, as well as respect at the office for caregiving fathers, which according to two new studies such fathers currently do not generally enjoy. In the future, when a man voluntarily gives up great responsibility to “spend more time with my family,” I do not want the notion that this could be a euphemism to even occur to me.

In short, it’s going to be the Daddy Wars. (Want that url? Don’t bother; my friend and I have been cybersquatting at daddywars.tumblr.com for weeks.) The Mommy Wars consist of people—primarily other women—convincing women that it is in society’s interest, their children’s interests, other women’s interests, and their own interests for them to be more than stay-at-home moms. The Daddy Wars cannot be the exact obverse, since the playing field is already asymmetrical (for generations, the default for men was to find some balance between work and home, whereas the default for women was home). But they will be something like that.

Like the Mommy Wars, the Daddy Wars are going to require, as Carmon put it, “a negotiation between what’s possible, what they’ve been taught to expect is normal, and what they might really want.” Like the Mommy Wars, they are going to require walking a fine line between the ideology they forthrightly advocate—men should be home more—and respect for individual choice, of the “I choose my choice!” variety, accounting for not only the choices of the men themselves but also of their childrearing partners. (Yes, eventually, the Mommy Wars and the Daddy Wars will likely have to become one big Parents Wars, but first the right side will have to win the Daddy Wars.) Let’s see if we can’t get a generation of American men to think more of themselves as “Dad” or “Dad-to-Be.” That would be a good start.

Honoring Our Fathers

In honor of Father's Day, here is a short piece from the Daily Om on the importance of honoring fathers for their work and support. As this article suggests, "The process of reconciling the ideal father that resides in our minds with the father that we actually have is a fertile one that can teach us a great deal about ourselves."

This has been very true in my life. I feared and idolized my father while he lived. After he died (I was 13), I held onto the idealization (maybe I needed to) but repressed or denied the fear I so often felt and the oppressiveness of his authoritarian behavior. It wasn't until more 10-15 years after his death that I was able to begin seeing my father as a flawed human being who lived with some serious wounding.

After a few decades and a lot of therapy, I understand who my father was and how he became the man who sired me. And I understand and honor that many of the things he did when I was a child had nothing to do with me, but were about his own pain, his fear, and his wounding.

The work it took to get to this place regarding my father is part of why I became a therapist, and informs my understanding of how cold, authoritarian parents can deeply wound their childen.

Providing Support: Fathers

by Madisyn Taylor
June 14, 2013 

In a time when the sacred feminine is being honored strongly, let's not forget fathers.

The idea of fatherhood is both personal and universal. We all have ideal concepts surrounding fatherhood, and we also have our real fathers—fathers who were there or not there for us, fathers who provided financial support for our families or failed to do so, fathers who loved or neglected us, fathers who were our role models or gave us someone to rebel against. Our father may have been there for us sometimes and not there for us at other times. The process of reconciling the ideal father that resides in our minds with the father that we actually have is a fertile one that can teach us a great deal about ourselves.

Our relationship with our father will often affect our relationships with the other men who will come into our lives. You may have learned to behave and think in certain ways because those were the ways that your father acted and thought. Certain talents that you possess may have been passed down to you by your father. There also may be personal issues that you inherited by virtue of who your father is. Understanding how your relationship with your father has influenced you can help you better understand yourself and the life that you have created.

In a time when mothers, the sacred feminine, and female energy are being honored, it is important not to forget the importance of fathers. Father energy and mother energy are the two complementary energies necessary to bring a healthy human being to fruition in the world. Many of the ideas surrounding fathers are changing in the wake of more modern parenting styles and the more egalitarian roles that are evolving between the sexes. More men are embodying the mother energy these days, and a woman can provide father energy for her children. Either way, we can all benefit from thinking about our fathers and how they have influenced who we’ve become and the ways that we walk through this world. Let us remember to honor our fathers.

* * * * *

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Documentary - Biology of Dads (BBC)

This is a cool documentary I found at Documentary Heaven on the necessity of dads, both biologically and psychologically, in the lives of their children, male and female. Nice to see a BBC piece on this topic - probably won't be any major networks doing this topic in the U.S any time soon.

Biology of Dads

‘Every child needs a father’ is a phrase heard often enough, but is there any evidence to support it? In this enlightening documentary, child psychologist Laverne Antrobus goes on a quest to discover why a dad’s relationship with his offspring is so important. She uncovers fascinating new research which is shedding light onto the science of fatherhood.

Laverne meets a new dad who is experiencing Couvade Syndrome, a condition sometimes known as ‘sympathetic pregnancy’. She is keen to explore if the symptoms – which are similar to those felt by pregnant women, such as nausea and sickness – might be physiological as well as psychological. The dad takes a blood test shortly after the birth of his third child and Antrobus discovers that hormones could be the cause of his symptoms: possibly nature’s way of ‘priming’ him to become a more nurturing father.

Laverne then meets one of the UK’s leading experts in the father’s role within the family. While observing father and toddler play in his lab, she finds out how the rough-and-tumble play they witness is classic ‘dad behaviour’. It is believed that this type of fatherly play is essential in teaching toddlers the boundaries of aggression and discipline.

In the final investigation, Antrobus looks into recent research which claims that men who have a good relationship with their daughters can influence the kind of husband the daughters choose. The study also found that girls whose fathers were absent during their formative years tend to reach puberty sooner and age quicker. Laverne recruits a team of married women to take part in one final, fascinating experiment.

Father-Infant Interactions Reduce Behavior Problems at One Year

Here is another study offering further evidence that fathers are very important in the well-being of children. The two-parent family should never be forced when it is unhealthy, but the evidence keeps piling up that kids do better in a home with two loving, attentive parents/care-givers. The outcome was better for boys than for girls in this study, which may suggest the importance of bonding with a same-sex parent/care-giver.

Child's behavior linked to father-infant interactions, study shows

Posted On: July 18, 2012

Children whose fathers are more positively engaged with them at age three months have fewer behavioural problems at age twelve months, according to new research funded by the Wellcome Trust. The study suggests that interventions aimed at improving parent-child interaction in the early post-natal period may be beneficial to the child's behaviour later on in life.

Behavioural disorders are the commonest psychological problem affecting children. They are associated with a wide range of problems in adolescence and adult life, including academic failure, delinquency, peer rejection and poor psychiatric and physical health. Research suggests that the roots of enduring behavioural problems often extend back into the preschool years.

Epidemiological studies have identified a number of risk factors for the onset and continuity of behavioural problems. Amongst these, parenting characteristics and patterns of parent-child interaction appear to be particularly important. However, studies of parental factors usually focus on the role of the mother.

In a study published today in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, researchers at the University of Oxford studied 192 families recruited from two maternity units in the UK to see whether there was a link between father-child interactions in the early postnatal period and the child's behaviour.

Dr Paul Ramchandani, a researcher and clinical psychiatrist, now based at the Academic Unit of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Department of Medicine, Imperial College London, led the study, which assessed father-infant interactions in the family home when the child was aged 3 months and compared these against the child's behaviour at age 12 months.

The researchers found that key aspects of the father-infant interaction, measured very early in children's lives, were associated with an increased risk of behavioural problems in children at an early age. This is the first time that this apparent influence has been demonstrated for observed father-infant interaction and such early onset behaviour problems.

"We found that children whose fathers were more engaged in the interactions had better outcomes, with fewer subsequent behavioural problems. At the other end of the scale children tended to have greater behavioural problems when their fathers were more remote and lost in their own thoughts, or when their fathers interacted less with them," explains Dr Ramchandani. "This association tended to be stronger for boys than for girls, suggesting that perhaps boys are more susceptible to the influence of their father from a very early age.

"We don't yet know whether the fathers being more remote and disengaged are actually causing the behavioural problems in the children, but it does raise the possibility that these early interactions are important."

The researchers believe there are a number of possible explanations for the association. The lack of paternal engagement could reflect wider problems in family relationships, with fathers who are in a more troubled relationship with their partner finding it more challenging to engage with their infant. Alternatively, it may reflect a broader lack of supervision and potentially care, for the infant, resulting in an increase in behavioural disturbance. Another possibility is that the infant's behaviour represents its attempt to elicit a parental reaction in response to an earlier lack of parental engagement.

Dr Ramchandani adds: "Focusing on the infant's first few months is important as this is a crucial period for development and the infant is very susceptible to environmental influences, such as the quality of parental care and interaction.

"As every parent knows, raising a child is not an easy task. Our research adds to a growing body of evidence which suggests that intervening early to help parents can make a positive impact on how their infant develops."

Source: Wellcome Trust

Po Bronson - Want To Be A Macho, Macho Man? Be A Daddy

This segment of NPR's All Things Considered features author Po Bronson talking about being a father as the "new" macho - not how I see it, but whatever it takes to get more men involved in raising their children is a good thing to me. Po Bronson is the co-author (with Ashley Merryman) of NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children.

As an aside, it's curious to me how "daddy" sounds soft and cuddly, but "father" sounds stern and aloof. More than likely, this is just my experience of the words from my own childhood. But maybe other men have the same associations, and maybe we need more daddies and fewer fathers, at least for young children.

Want To Be A Macho, Macho Man? Be A Daddy

by Po Bronson

Listen to the Story

All Things Considered

[4 min 19 sec]

• Download
• Transcript

Read Other Opinions On Fatherhood

Opinion

Becoming Female Dad, Accepting Freudian Mom

by Sara Sarasohn

Opinion

Letter To Dads: Stop Letting Moms Win At Parenting

by Matthew Tobey

Opinion

Seeing Is Believing: Setting A Fatherly Example

by Steven Barnes

July 22, 2011

Po Bronson is the co-author of NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children.

I'm not sure why my friend Todd had genuine AMF white bowling pins at his apartment. But I know the yellow metal Tonka dumpster was a present from him for my newborn son, Luke, something to grow into in a year or so.

Luke was less than three weeks old, his blue fuzzy keeping him cozy. Somehow, these parts just seemed to go together. White, yellow, blue. Cocktails in martini glasses, the long narrow Victorian-era hardwood hallway gleaming like a bowling lane.

This was back before anyone else had a baby. Before they knew, this is really against the rules.

Noah went down by the pins to catch. We put Luke into the bed of the Tonka. And like a Canadian curler, with a gentle release, I gave the first push.

A slow push.

Other people, they want you to hold your baby. They wanna see if you can handle it when he cries. I let the guys bowl with my son.

This was my cigar moment. My way of announcing to the menfolk, it's gonna be OK. The stork paid us a visit, but we're still guys here. Since then, I've watched other men intuitively find their version of this symbolic moment, signaling to all that despite the Bjorns and Boppys and burping, manhood is not lost.

Courtesy of Po Bronson - His son, Luke, ready to be bowled.

My friend Ethan somehow trained his 8-month-old daughter to stand on his hand, and he'd balance her in front of us, like a broomstick on a finger.

It usually didn't take that much. Sometimes the symbolism had to be more covert. Stuffing 'em in a Packers jersey has worked. Or showing us how the kid wiggled to the White Stripes' "Hotel Yorba." We know what it means, just like we know what you're saying with one of those strollers that looks like it was invented by Q from MI6.

See, James Bond didn't have kids. Neither did the Man of Steel. OK, he did, but his story got boring the minute the twins came along. Precisely the point.

Before I had kids, I couldn't see how the pieces would go together. I remember one Saturday going out to play in my soccer game when my wife was pregnant. I was thinking, man, these days are numbered. Then our coach, Papa, showed up. He was so proud that day. "My son, Luis, is finally a man," he announced.

Luis was my age. "What'd he do?" I asked. "He had a child, a daughter," Papa said. I wished I'd come from a culture like Papa's. A culture where manhood doesn't end when you have a baby — it doesn't even begin until you have a baby.

It's easy now, 10 years later. On Thanksgiving night, Luke and the guys can go out under the streetlights and toss perfect spirals back and forth across the road. He easily beats them at cards, and sports trivia.

Just not at bowling.

Tags: Po Bronson, Want To Be A Macho, Macho Man, Be A Daddy, NPR, All Things Considered, NurtureShock, New Thinking About Children, men, fathers, dads, manliness, parenting, culture, gender roles, masculinity, macho

Fathers still matter to kids who have moved out

Dad's aren't done when the kids move out - if they are loving, supportive, and still allow their children to be autonomous, they will continue to play a central role in their children's lives. The articles makes a good distinction between authoritative parenting (good) and authoritarian parenting (bad).

Fathers still matter to kids who have moved out

Posted On: June 13, 2011

BYU family life professor Larry Nelson's oldest daughter Jessica graduated from high school this spring, so his career researching the transition to adulthood is starting to get personal.

Fortunately his latest study shows that certain types of dads remain a force for good with children who have moved out of the house.

Dads who blend love, high expectations and respect for the child's autonomy stood out in Nelson's analysis of fathers of young adults. These dads enjoy a closer relationship with their children, and the children demonstrate higher levels of kindness and self-worth.

"If their child is struggling to pick a major in college, these dads don't tell their kids what they think it should be," Nelson said. "Instead they'll say 'Have you ever considered this' or 'Here's one advantage of that.' And when the child makes a choice, they say 'I'm proud of you.'"

Scholars call this approach "authoritative parenting" – not to be confused with "authoritarian" Tiger Mothers or helicopter parents who swoop in to fix everything themselves.

"They know what's going on in their children's lives, and we're seeing that it's because the kids are willing to tell them," Nelson said. "The outcomes are better when parents aren't controlling."

The research appears in the June issue of the Journal of Youth and Adolescence. A few years ago Nelson published research showing that parents didn't consider their college students to be adults yet – and the kids agreed.

BYU professor Laura Padilla-Walker, author of the study showing that sisters improve their siblings' mental health, co-authored the new study with Nelson.

The data for both studies comes from PROJECT READY, a broad effort looking at young people and the transition to adulthood. The project began in 2004 with an extensive survey of college students around the country. Researchers are conducting another phase of the project that follows a batch of students over time. Reports by Project Ready researchers have been published in academic journals such as Journal of Youth and Adolescence, Journal of Adolescent Research, Journal of Family Psychology and other peer-reviewed publications.

Source: Brigham Young University

Tags: men, fathers, children, parenting, dads, BYU, Laura Padilla-Walker, Project Ready, kids who have moved out, transition, adulthood, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, college students, authoritative parenting