Battle of the Sexes: The Orgasm Edition by Kayt Sukel

This article by Kayt Sukel was posted at Big Think a couple of weeks ago. Sukel looks at some research on the differences in male vs. female sexual response and orgasm. Men are often accused of not understanding the differences in the ways women respond sexually from how men respond, so this article offers a little step in rectifying that (overgeneralized, in my opinion) complaint.

Battle of the Sexes: The Orgasm Edition

Kayt Sukel on November 4, 2012

 

As I travel around and talk about the neuroscience of orgasm, there is one question I am consistently asked--usually by a particularly curious and outgoing person of the male persuasion: 

"Is my orgasm the same as my female partner's orgasm?"

There are questions about whether neuroscience can provide some answers to a few basic questions.  Can only women have multiple orgasms?  (Or, do women really have multiple orgasms at all?) Is what a man feels when he is reaching climax qualitatively (or quantitatively) the same as what a woman experiences? How are we the same?  How are we different?  Do those differences, if they exist, perhaps enhance (or detract) from sexual pleasure?

These are fascinating questions. But let's stick with the basic one:  is an orgasm the same whether it is experienced by a man or a woman?

Looking at anecdotal evidence, there is a pervasive notion that the male and the female orgasm are different entities altogether.  It's understandable, I suppose.  They can seem very, very different--from arousal to aftermath.  But, as it so happens, older research looking at the brain at orgasm suggested that the male and female orgasms were more alike than different.

Janniko Georgiadis and colleagues at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands compared cerebral blood flow in both men and women both during genital stimulation and at the point of orgasm using positron emission tomography (PET).  They found significant differences in activation patterns during arousal but not orgasm itself.  And they concluded that those differences were likely due to differences in our anatomical equipment--which, when you think about it, makes a lot of sense.  What works on arousing a penis may not be quite as magical when applied to a clitoris. (Though, different strokes for different folks...)

Of course, PET does not have the resolution or speed of a neuroimaging technique like functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).  Could it be the lack of differences between the sexes--differences which seem to many of us to be both obvious and innate--might be detected if we had better tools to examine the question?

It's entirely possible.  And very recently, Nan Wise and Barry Komisaruk, researchers at Rutgers University, decided to take a look.  As part of their series of studies on the time course of orgasm--that is, the chain of activation of brain components leading up to, during, and after orgasm--they compared men and women participants self-stimulating to orgasm.  Using fMRI and then a graphical causal modeling analysis technique, they compared effective connectivity, or how blood flow traveled between key areas of the brain like the cerebellum, the paracentral lobule, the nucleus accumbens and the frontal pole (areas that had been identified as important to orgasm in previous studies), as individuals self-stimulated to orgasm.

Wise and Komisaruk presented this work at Neuroscience 2012, the largest neuroscience conference in the world.  The preliminary results suggest that both men and women (whether women were self-stimulating manually or just "thinking off") showed significant activation of the frontal pole feeding back to the paracentral lobule, an area that processes sensorimotor signals from the lower extremities, at the point of orgasm. Think about that--the frontal cortex, an area involved in both planning and inhibition, is projecting back to an area involved with processing sensation.  Does that demonstrate fantasy?  Release?  Control?  Wise and Komisaruk aren't sure.

Yet, all groups showed this same effect.  So perhaps Georgiadis' study wasn't so far off the mark and things aren't as different on the orgasm front as they seem (though, in terms of full disclosure, Georgiadis never did find frontal cortex activation in any of his orgasm studies). 

Or are they?  When the group looked closer at effective connectivity, they did see slightly different activation patterns, both between the sexes and between individuals.  It's hard to know what to make of that.  Wise and Komisaruk are quick to point out that they need more participants to make any hard and fast conclusions about sex differences.

So next time I'm asked about the nature of the male vs. female orgasm, I'll have a little more to add to my explanation.  But my answer will have to be that the scientific jury, at least, is still out.  For now.

What do you think?  Is the male orgasm qualitatively and neurobiologically distinct from the female orgasm?

Photo credit: Vasilchenko Nikita/Shutterstock.com

Boys Adrift: Dr. Leonard Sax on the Secret Lives of Men Podcast

On the Secret Lives of Men podcast, Dr. Chris Blazina speaks with Dr. Leonard Sax, author of Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men (2009 edition), about the struggles young men face in this culture during this particular moment of history.

Sax is a controversial figure in gender studies. He advocates single sex schools, believes there are some serious physiological gender differences beyond the sex hormones (hearing, vision, and connections between emotions and language), and has been criticized for frequent use of stereotypes and over-generalizations.

Below is his own bio statement from Amazon - Wikipedia has a slightly different take.

Leonard Sax MD PhD graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), and then went on to the University of Pennsylvania, where he earned both a PhD in psychology, and an MD. He completed a 3-year residency in family practice at Lancaster General Hospital in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. From 1989 through 2008, he was a practicing family physician in Maryland, just outside Washington DC. In 2005, Doubleday published his first book Why Gender Matters: What Parents and Teachers Need to Know about the Emerging Science of Sex Differences. His second book, Boys Adrift, was published in 2007; an expanded softcover edition was published in 2009. His most recent book Girls on the Edge: The Four Factors Driving the New Crisis for Girls--Sexual Identity, the Cyberbubble, Obsessions, Environmental Toxins was published in 2010; an extensively-updated softcover edition was released in July 2011. Dr. Sax has spoken on issues of child and adolescent development not only in the United States but also in Australia, Bermuda, Canada, England, Germany, Italy, Mexico, New Zealand, Scotland, and Spain. He has appeared on the TODAY Show, CNN, National Public Radio, PBS, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, the British Broadcasting Corporation, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, New Zealand Television, and many other national and international media.

The books linked to above are the most current, updated editions. Read an excerpt from Boys Adrift.

Boys Adrift: Dr. Leonard Sax

Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men

Listen to internet radio with Secret Lives of Men on Blog Talk Radio

Something scary is happening to boys today. From kindergarten to college, American boys are, on average, less resilient and less ambitious than they were a mere twenty years ago. The gender gap in college attendance and graduation rates has widened dramatically. While Emily is working hard at school and getting A’s, her brother Justin is goofing off. He’s more concerned about getting to the next level in his videogame than about finishing his homework. Now, Dr. Leonard Sax delves into the scientific literature and draws on more than twenty years of clinical experience to explain why boys and young men are failing in school and disengaged at home. He shows how social, cultural, and biological factors have created an environment that is literally toxic to boys. He also presents practical solutions, sharing strategies which educators have found effective in re-engaging these boys at school, as well as handy tips for parents about everything from homework, to videogames, to medication.

International Men's Day - November 19, 2012

International Men's Day is Monday, November 19, 2012. The theme for this year is positive male role models. 

Our theme in 2012: Positive Male Role Models

Every year a new theme is chosen for International Men's Day. This year the theme is "Positive Male role models". M C Hammer said, “I make an active effort to remain a positive role model to kids. They need people to show them there’s another way.” M C Hammer is right, and that is why we encourage you to celebrate International Men's Day and raise funds for your favourite men’s or children's charity of your choice at the same time.

There is a desperate need around the world for more positive male role models. Many boys today do not know what it means to be a man because they don’t have a man in their lives. Many children will go to bed tonight without saying goodnight to their father because he just isn’t there.
 
Nearly one-fourth of America’s children live in mother-only families. Of the children living with their mothers, 35 percent never see their father and 24 percent see their fathers less than once a month. This is the reality across the western world to a lesser or greater extent. Unfortunately this trend is beginning to occur in less developed countries as well. 

These children live with a woman and more than likely, they are taught by a woman at school. Where do they see and interact with positive male role models? Or, if they are a boy how do they learn what it means to be a man? Television? Movies? On the street?

Even in homes where the father is present research shows that the average father spends less than 10 minutes a day one-on-one with his child. These statistics tend to be more relevant in western countries but they are sadly becoming all the more relevant in other countries as well. We are living in a world where emotional and spiritual fatherlessness is becoming the norm. Many of today’s fathers did not have positive role models to show them what it means to be a father to a child, so they are not there to show their children what it means to be a father.

No matter how great a mother is, she cannot replace what a father provides to a child. Irrefutable research shows that mothers typically are nurturing, soft, gentle, comforting, protective and emotional. Fathers tend to be challenging, prodding, loud, playful, encourage risk taking, and physical. Children need a balance of protection and reasonable risk taking. If a positive male role model is not present in the life of a child there is a void in this area. Children who live in this environment are more likely to be involved in criminal activity, premarital sexual activity, do poorer in school and participate in unhealthy activities.

Studies have shown that involvement of a father or a positive male role model in the lives of children has profound effects on them. Father-child interaction promotes a child’s physical well being, perceptual ability and competency for relating with others. These children also demonstrate greater ability to take initiative and evidence self-control.

How can you make a positive difference for these children?

• If you are a positive male role model you can Celebrate International Mens Day and involve yourself in the lives of children and young people in your community who can benefit from your influence.
• If you are a mother you can encourage the involvement of positive male role models in the life of your child.
• If you are a non-custodial dad you can make the effort to visit with your child more often and be intentional about teaching them important life lessons.
• If you are an educator you can encourage fathers to take on a more active role in the classroom.
• If you are working in government you can encourage the celebration of International Mens Day and the development of positive male role models in your country and in your community.
• If you are a Non Profit Organisation working in the community you can celebrate International Mens Day and promote positive male role models.
• If you are a faith-based institution you can provide programs that bring fathers together with their children and also encourage male role models to be involved with children in their sphere of influence.
• If you are a leader in your business encourage your employees to be involved in community efforts such as mentoring groups in the country in which you live i.e. , Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Big Brothers-Big Sisters, youth groups, Boys Club or sports clubs.

Every child needs someone who is absolutely committed to their success in life. It is up to us to make sure they have that person.

One more thing. If everyone that celebrated International Men's Day gave $10 to charity, we could raise hundreds of millions of dollars a year to help our children and provide more positive male role models. Together we can make a difference.

Joel Stein - Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity

Joel Stein is making the rounds. In the first video he is at Authors@Google talking about his new book, Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity. In the second piece, Stein is interviewed for the Men's Health podcast, a magazine for which he is a contributor. The book chronicles his efforts to become a role model for his young son.

Authors@Google: Joel Stein

Joel Stein visited Google LA to talk about his book: "Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity." This talk took place on September 28, 2012.

 * * * * *

MH Podcasts

Joel Stein
November 9th, 2012

Download this episode

On this week’s episode, we sit down with humorist (and Men’s Health contributor) Joel Stein, author of the new book Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity. It chronicles his attempts to become a better male role model for his young son. Stein overnights with Boy Scouts, rides with firefighters, and even ends up in the Octagon with UFC legend Randy Couture. Listen to Stein’s hilarious stories and learn if you’ve got what it takes to be a real man.

Click here to subscribe to the Men’s Health Podcast on iTunes!

More from Joel Stein on MensHealth.com:

• What It Means to Be a Man
• Reality TV for Men
• Sexual Mind Games

Music courtesy of APM Music

Robert Althouse - Five Ways to Improve Communication

This article comes from the Good Men Project - it's an excellent collection of strategies designed to improve communication in relationships. Men are generally considered unskilled in this realm, which does not mean we are incapable of doing it, only that we have not been taught how to do it well. Fortunately, I see this changing in the younger men with whom I have contact.

~ Roshi Robert Althouse is a fully empowered Zen teacher in the White Plum lineage and a fully ordained Zen Buddhist Priest. Roshi and his wife, Rev. June Ryushin Tanoue, co-founded the Zen Life & Meditation Center.

Five Ways to Improve Communication

November 8, 2012 By Robert Althouse

Zen Master Robert Althouse offers communication tips that critique the myth of the American cowboy

A common mythology in American culture continues to be the myth of the cowboy–the rugged individual who goes it alone. Cowboys don’t need to know what they are feeling or needing, because they spend all their time identifying and exposing bad guys who need to either be killed or punished. Once you’ve completed the job, then you can ride triumphantly off into the sunset on your horse–alone.

So it may come as a shock to discover that this underlying myth is impairing your ability to communicate in a healthy and proactive way with others. And this diminished communication is reducing the amount of trust you could otherwise have with the people you work and live with every day.

There are skills you can learn to help you improve the quality of your communication with others. I’d like to give you a few suggestions about ways to begin doing this:

1. Learn how to Listen There is nothing more important than listening. And listening is not something we generally do very well. We are often distracted, or we are busy thinking of what we are going to say next, before the other person has finished speaking themselves. That means we really don’t hear what they’ve said at all. This kind of deep listening is something you can practice and improve. You get a chance to do this many times each day. Notice what a difference it can make in your relationships when you really listen to others sincerely and wholeheartedly.

2. Cultivate a Needs Awareness At the Zen Life and Meditation Center I operate (just outside Chicago), I teach a practice called “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC). NVC is a way of communicating more proactively with others. This happens as you develop an awareness of the importance of needs. And this seemingly simple step is revolutionary. Most likely, if you reflect on what you learned about needs growing up as a child, you learned some negative things about needs. You really shouldn’t have them because that was considered selfish. And if it was OK to have them, it probably wasn’t OK to speak about them openly. This negative bias in our culture regarding needs is a consequence of the unspoken cowboy mythology which still rules our lives.

Needs in NVC are understood as anything which supports your life. So they are basic and fundamental to living. We have many needs such as needs for shelter, clothing, food, understanding, to be heard, fairness and many more. And needs are at the heart of how you can begin communicating more proactively. Being aware of needs can help you shift from hanging on to judgments to a more empathic awareness, both for yourself and for others.

3. Stand Your Ground Healthy relationships arise when you are able to stand in your own experience without surrendering to a impulsive desire to please or be liked by others. When you don’t stand your ground, you cave in and fuse with the other, which means that you’ve gone missing in action. Standing your ground may mean you have to step outside your comfort zone and that knee-jerk reaction to please others. But when you learn how to do this, you’ll find that the quality and depth of your relationship with others improves.

4. Learn How to Ask for Help Who ever heard a cowboy ask for help? That would be beneath them. It would be ridiculous–a sign of weakness. So take a good look at this one. If you’ve taken on a task that you can’t complete for whatever reason, learn to ask for help. It requires some humility to do this. It requires being able to trust others. You might be surprised that often people are grateful to be asked, because you’ve placed your trust in them. You’ll giving them an opportunity express their generosity by working together with you on a common task.

5. Let Go of Your Agenda It’s hard to listen to another when you’re busy preparing and rehearsing what you’re going to say next before they’ve finished speaking. Enter into conversation in the spirit of learning something new from the other person. By letting go of your attachment to the outcome, you free yourself to open to the person. The space between you becomes respected. It’s a bridge that can carry you across to the other’s experience. You may be surprised at what you discover on the other side.

This post originally appeared on the Zen Life Blog.

Photo by puuikibeach

 

Secret Lives of Men - Bond of Brothers with Wes Yoder (Featured Replay)

This is a replay of a previous episode of the Secret Lives of Men podcast, with Dr. Chris Blazina speaking to Wes Yoder about his 2010 book, Bond of Brothers: Connecting with Other Men Beyond Work, Weather and Sports. Fair warning: this is a Christian book with a "come to Jesus" message for healing men's wounded hearts.

Here is the book description from Amazon.

'The perfect conversation for men with little to say can be summed up in eight words: 'Can you believe the weather at that game?'' Author Wes Yoder's words are humorous. Yet, beyond the sports and weather chatter and silence that characterize many male conversations, there is brokenness. Emptiness. Shame. That's not funny. For Yoder, addressing the problem is not about planting the flag for one's manhood by joining a mass movement for men, nor is it necessary for men to 'sire a herd or shoot a moose to authenticate their manhood.' Yoder calls disappointed, disenchanted, and lonely men to authenticity. To rediscover joy. To find satisfaction. In Bond of Brothers, men will discover: Why your career and performance at work are not your identity * How to defeat the fears that come to a man in the 'Tough Years' * What to do when you are too worried to forgive or too power-hungry to smile * Why spiritual friendships are the central, life-giving core of all healthy relationships among men. Being present to comfort, to love, to listen, to take a step toward Jesus together in our brokenness ... that is the essence of friendship, Yoder writes. When we invite Jesus into our shared brokenness, he can do the work of remaking what is left of the mess we have made of ourselves. Begin a journey toward authenticity and your true identity here!

OK, this sounds a little too 12-Stepford Wives for me, but he is pointing to real issues and real solutions, although I (as an agnostic Buddhist) believe there are other ways men can join in a spiritual journey toward healing.

Featured Replay: Bond of Brothers with Wes Yoder

by Secret Lives of Men

Tue, November 6, 2012

Listen to internet radio with Secret Lives of Men on Blog Talk Radio

Why are they so afraid to be known? According to Wes Yoder in Bond of Brothers, a whole lot of insecurity, secrets, shame, and silence keep men from growing strong in the broken places.

For Yoder, addressing the problem is not about planting the flag for one's manhood by joining a mass movement for men, nor is it necessary for men to 'sire a herd or shoot a moose to authenticate their manhood.' Yoder calls disappointed, disenchanted, and lonely men to authenticity. To rediscover joy. To find satisfaction.

In Bond of Brothers, men will discover:

• Why your career and performance at work are not your identity 
• How to defeat the fears that come to a man in the 'Tough Years' 
• What to do when you are too worried to forgive.

Only men? It seems so in this study. We know that alcohol abuse over several years contributes to alexithymia (lacking recognition of and verbal skills related to emotions), which makes it difficult to "read" and understand other people's emotions. "While alcoholic subjects seem to be able to correctly recognize emotions like joy and disgust, they show a tendency to overestimate anger and other negative emotions like fear and sadness.""

Full Citation:
Simona Amenta, Xavier Noël, Paul Verbanck, Salvatore Campanella. Decoding of Emotional Components in Complex Communicative Situations (Irony) and Its Relation to Empathic Abilities in Male Chronic Alcoholics: An Issue for Treatment. Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research, 2012; DOI: 10.1111/j.1530-0277.2012.01909.x

Alcoholic Men Demonstrate a Deficit in Empathy and Distorted View of Irony

ScienceDaily (Nov. 8, 2012) — Emotions are often implicit undertones to our communication interactions, and decoding them requires substantial social and cognitive abilities. Prior research has shown that chronic alcoholics often demonstrate impaired socio-cognitive and communicative abilities as well as emotion-related behaviors. Male alcoholics in particular suffer from dysfunctions in empathy. A study of the ability of chronic male alcoholics to recognize the emotional component of irony in relation to their empathic abilities has found a clear deficit.

Results will be published in the February 2013 issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research and are currently available at Early View.

"Chronic alcohol abuse seems to have effects on the perception and decoding of emotional expressions," said Simona Amenta, a post-doctoral researcher at the University of Milano-Bicocca, lecturer at the Catholic University of Milan, and corresponding author for the study. "It has been associated with higher frequencies of alexithymia, meaning deficits in emotion recognition and verbalization, leading to difficulties in distinguishing and comprehending people's emotional states, and then using emotional information to plan social and interactive acts. While alcoholic subjects seem to be able to correctly recognize emotions like joy and disgust, they show a tendency to overestimate anger and other negative emotions like fear and sadness."

A person's face is a complex stimulus which conveys different emotional, motivational and social cues at the same time, explained Amenta. "The ability to recognize social and emotional cues from facial expressions is particularly impaired in alcoholic individuals," she said. "While empathy refers to insights into the emotional states of other people, empathic ability is a more complex psychological inference which involves observation and recognition of emotional cues, especially facial expressions and vocal prosody."

Alcohol's neurotoxic effects are particularly damaging to the prefrontal cortex, Amenta said, and neuropsychological studies have shown that the prefrontal cortex plays a basic role in humor processing. "As a communicative phenomenon, humor retains two fundamental components," she said. "The first is cognitive and deals with the comprehension of humorous material, the second is affective and it is related to jokes appreciation. Alcoholics show impairments for both the cognitive and affective components required in humor processing. Furthermore, male alcoholics, despite any particular dysfunctional behavior, have consistently reported showing worst performances in emotional and empathic behaviors. Finally, since irony is a complex linguistic and pragmatic phenomenon whose understanding requires a number of cognitive and meta-cognitive abilities, and since these abilities are specifically weakened or impaired in alcoholism, we believed that irony might represent an optimal case to explore the relation of these competencies with language comprehension."

Amenta and her colleagues recruited 44 males -- 22 male alcoholic patients recruited during their third week of detoxification from a Brussels clinic, and 22 of their male acquaintances or "controls" -- to participate in a story comprehension task. All participants were asked to read stories with either an ironic or a non-ironic ending, and then fill in a questionnaire about communicative intentions and the emotional states of the stories' characters. Furthermore, comprehension of the ironic meaning was also assessed through a self-reported questionnaire, and then related to an Empathy Quotient (EQ) that had been measured during a pre-experimental phase.

"Our work's main findings are twofold," said Amenta. "First, we gained behavioral evidence concerning the role of emotions in language understanding. We were able to observe that a weakened emotional and empathic ability indeed affected the way linguistic contents were understood by the alcoholics. A second result, which we believe will be of more interest for clinicians, concerns alcoholics' impaired ability in understanding ironic stances. As we argue in the paper, understanding irony requires the ability to engage complex inferential processes that are mainly based on meta-representative thoughts. Of course, irony is just an example of the wide number of implicit forms of communication we use every day that involve complex inferential reasoning. Thus, our results seem to indicate that alcoholics might show a general impairment in understanding complex forms of communication."

More specifically, the alcoholics demonstrated: a deficit of empathic functions; a specific impairment of the "social skills" component of empathy; a disturbed comprehension of irony; difficulties in recognizing the emotional dimension in communication; difficulties in identifying speakers' emotional states and intentions; and an overestimation of positive emotions and a misunderstanding of the negative connotation of ironic situations.

"The most striking example concerns the different pattern of emotions that alcoholic subjects recognized in ironic stances," said Amenta. "Our study used irony to criticize. Our control subjects mostly indicated that ironic comments expressed a negative attitude and negative emotions. On the contrary, alcoholic subjects judged ironic comments as expressing amusement and generally positive emotions. This result confirms that alcoholic subjects tend to underestimate negative emotions; it also suggests that the same situation might be read in a totally different way by an alcoholic individual and another person."

Amenta said that the field of alcohol studies has not closely examined emotions and language. "While a lot has been said on emotions recognition in faces, body postures, and gestures, only a few studies have explored the recognition of emotion in verbal language. We believe this topic should be investigated more, especially since problems in social interaction are considered a relevant outcome, but also one possible cause, of alcohol dependence."

Why Did 16 Eagle Scouts Return Their Pins?

This is via BuzzFeed, and it was posted a couple of weeks ago. One might easily assume these letters are in response to the recent release of documents showing the Boy Scouts had known about and not reported child molesters in their ranks (they did however ban them from any involvement and kept a list of names so that they could not go to another town and perpetrate).  But they aren't - they are in protest of the decision by the National Executive Board of the Boy Scouts recently to reaffirm its ban on gay scouts and scoutmasters.

As one of the young men below states:

Being “mentally awake and morally straight” means thinking for yourself and standing up for others in times of inequality. Every boy in this country deserves to have the opportunity to take part in scouting regardless of sexual orientation.

The young and not-so-young men represent the values I would hope our sons be taught - discrimination of any kind is wrong and should not be tolerated.

16 Eagle Scouts Returning Their Pins

These Scouts penned open letters to the Boy Scouts of America to explain why they can no longer be affiliated with an organization they dedicated years of their childhood to be a part of.  

Reported by Stacy Lambe 

1. James S. Kleven, Troop 18

Via: eaglebadges

I left the Boy Scouts when I was sixteen, grappling with the conflict between my sexuality and the BSA’s ban on openly gay members. Though I regret that I was not brave enough then to be honest about my reasons for leaving, I realize now that no young man should be forced to make that awful decision.

Via: eaglebadges

2. Michael A. Weber, Troop 179

Via: eaglebadges

[T]he day I obtained the Eagle rank was a very proud moment, but not only for the same reason it is for most. For nearly a decade now, I have felt a great sense of accomplishment at having earned the Eagle rank as such an unlikely candidate. But this pride doesn’t outweigh the burden on my conscience.

Via: eaglebadges

3. Britton Lense, Troop N/A

Via: eaglebadges

I looked at the Boy Scout Handbook in relation to someone who is gay and only saw disappointment on numerous occasions. I took a promise as a Boy Scout to live by the Scout Oath and Law and as my values are no longer aligned with those of the BSA through defending those who are gay. I am being reverent and faithful in my religious beliefs and that is why I am returning my Eagle Scout Badge and certificates received from many including the President of the United States, New York Governor and Senator, my high school, Boy Scout Troop and others.

Via: eaglebadges

4. Christopher Clawson, Troop 11

Via: eaglebadges

Being a leader of men does not come with a ‘straight’ prerequisite. That the National Executive Board recently reaffirmed a ban on gay scouts and scoutmasters is deeply troubling. In the course of my career as an entertainer, I have met and worked with numerous members of the LGBT community – many of whom have told me it wasn’t so much a choice that they made as it was an affirmation of who they were. After all, no rational adult would choose a life of constant ridicule, harassment and rejection.

Via: eaglebadges

Read the rest of the article.

Romney's Concession Speech and Obama's Victory Speech

Courtesy of 3 Quarks Daily, here are the speeches of the two men who did battle for the presidency of the United States of America.

I voted for neither of these men, seeing only minor differences between the two in substance (Obama may have the edge with me because he is more socially liberal) - both are owned by the 1%.

Now that Obama has won a substantial Electoral College victory, I have a request.

I would like for Obama to invite Romney to the White House (which he has done), but I want Obama to make Romney an economic adviser and congressional liaison. Maybe Romney would refuse such a post - he can certainly make more money returning to the private sector, not to mention the flack he would receive from the conservative wing of his party - but I think such a partnership would go a long way toward healing the divide we face in the House and Senate.

Eloquent Obama is back: The Victory Speech

And here, for good measure, is Mitt Romney's concession speech:

Posted by S. Abbas Raza at 03:37 AM | Permalink

Shawn Smith - What Women Love About Men

Shawn Smith, Psy.D., who blogs at Ironshrink on the Psychology Today site, posted a couple of unscientifc, online surveys back in May asking men and women for their thoughts on the opposite sex. The research is part of his 2014 book, The Woman’s Guide to How Men Think: Love, Commitment, and the Male Mind. A future post will look at what men love about women.

What Women Love About Men

Admiration, frustration, and advice from women to men.

Published on October 29, 2012 by Shawn T. Smith, Psy.D. in Ironshrink

Imagine a young man working at the seafood counter of a grocery store. Before he wraps a fresh fish that someone has just purchased, he pretends that it is dancing on the counter, singing “I like the night life, baby!”

This young guy, a coworker back in the days when I took any available job to get through college, was perpetually in pursuit of women. He was not stacked or gorgeous, and he definitely wasn’t rich or he wouldn’t have been working with me. Yet he was very successful at attracting women. He relied on his ability to make them laugh.

That’s where the dancing fish came in. I remember the young lady who was buying it. She giggled, and it’s quite possible that my friend got her phone number that day. A sense of humor seems to be something that women value in a man.

What else do women like?

Back in May, I posted an unscientific, online survey asking men and women for their thoughts on the opposite sex. The research is part of my 2014 book, The Woman’s Guide to How Men Think: Love, Commitment, and the Male Mind.

I asked questions such as What are the most frustrating things about men? and What do you like most about women? In gratitude to all the men and women who have generously participated so far, here are a few of the comments I have received.

We’ll do this in two posts. This one contains some of the thoughts women expressed about men. In the next post, I’ll tell you what the men had to say. These sentiments are not necessarily my own. I just picked what I thought was representative and interesting.

First, the Complaints

Before we get to what women like about men, let’s start with some of the frustrations that women shared. One of the most common complaints concerns what one woman described as “The silence! The damned silence!” Here are a few of their thoughts on men who won’t talk:

“There’s nothing more frustrating and painful than to feel a need to communicate with someone I love and yet not feel welcome to approach him.”

“I wish I understood why he retreats and clams up if I’m upset. That is when I need him the most. But he just hides, like he’s riding out a hurricane. It makes me feel so alone. Unloved.”

“We aren’t mind readers. If men don’t communicate exactly what’s going on, we will jump to conclusions. It shouldn’t be our fault when the man gets angry about this… Men will never truly understand how much lack of communication hurts us.”

“Most of the time, pushing your buttons is the only way you’ll respond. And how hard is it to simply tell a woman she is pretty or bring her flowers? Little things go a long way.”

A close cousin to silence, many women reported that male stoicism is frustrating and hurts a relationship.

“At times I feel that if there is anger expressed (whether he is angry at me or something else), at least there’s still something going on in the relationship, but if he just retreats, it feels like there is NO relationship at all. Me feeling empty.”

“Why it is preferable to shut down rather than try to communicate and reconnect if there is an issue? Why do men hold in thoughts that are actually very important and could be useful to share?”

“Men ignore problems until it’s too late. By ‘too late’ I mean they wait until there is no love or affection left to rebuild on.”

“…I blame our society for forcing young boys to ignore their emotions, so we [women] did it to ourselves. How many times have we said to our boys, ‘Be a tough guy. Tough guys don’t cry. Be strong’ when what we should really be saying is, ‘that must’ve been scary/hurtful/hard.’”

“I’d like him to know I’m not presenting a trap when I inquire how he’s feeling. I don’t want to judge or mock, I WANT TO HELP. I want to understand him, and I want him to understand me.”

Several women also reported that there is an upside to male silence and stoicism. There may even be advantages.

“I have recently learned that emotional intimacy or open communication does NOT mean sharing every thought, feeling or experience I had that day.”

“The fact that men don’t need to talk is also a plus. It is nice to just be together and not discuss much.”

“Many times I want to hash out a problem without a lot of emotion, and, in general, men are better at intellectual focus on an issue.”

“The positive flip side of men not being as verbose as women is that they are more likely to be direct and to the point. They are not as likely to be manipulative or passive-aggressive. Their moods are generally more stable.”

Women expressed various and sundry other frustrations:

“Most seem to be extremist (for lack of a better word). Whether it be clean or dirty, cuddly or cold shouldered, open about emotions/feeling or completely shut about anything having to deal with anything to the point of convincing themselves ’they don’t care’, a workaholic or lazy... I think you get the picture.”

“I wish men understood how important conversation is for maintaining and deepening an emotional connection. They seem to think that most conversation has no function unless it’s conveying concise information toward a specific goal. They don’t seem to understand the part about how paying attention, even to things like chatting about each other’s days, deepens bonding.”

“Their desire to solve things overshadows all communication attempts even when they know that’s what women want or need.”

“Why do they get comfortable and stop trying to impress their women? All the things she fell in love with in the beginning come to an end, making her wonder if it was all an act.”

And there were a few things women just didn’t understand:

“For the life of me, I will never really understand the American/western “man hug.” Is that back-smacking and general lack of other bodily contact really just so people don’t think you’re gay? Or is there some sort of competitiveness to it? Like, the person who smacks harder is really the dominant one, or trying to be?”

“I wish I understood what’s going on in his head when he withdraws. It’s so hard to see he’s in pain, to know he’s in pain, and to also know he’d damn near rather eat glass than admit it.”

Now the Good Stuff

Don’t let all those complaints and frustrations mislead you. Overwhelmingly, the women who participated in the survey appear to like men. Here are a few of their favorite things:

“I like the serene and effortlessly sexy way they carry themselves when they feel like they’re in control... Here are some examples: carrying a big load of groceries into the house, checking the oil of the car, arranging his fantasy football league, killing a creepy bug in the basement, opening a jar for me, or driving a stick shift. When he’s in this relaxed state of control, all I can do is melt and admire.”

“What do I like most about men? Their simplicity ....sex and food.”

“They tend to be less catty than females, and often present themselves in a way closer to that which they really are.”

“The way their hugs feel, so strong and protective.”

“Once they have made up their minds, they usually stick with it.”

“They can be so cute and funny when they really want to be!”

“They’re easy going and uncomplicated.”

“...Their boyishness. The sense of humor and play that some men have is by far what I like most.”

“Men are easy going and don’t sweat the small stuff.”

“Humor. Protectiveness. Strength.”

“I like that men are usually more forthright about their thoughts. I like that men can disagree with each other and that doesn’t seriously endanger their relationships. I like how men are more free to express their sense of humor. I like more than anything else, the combination of power (with the inherent potential to destroy) coupled with the man’s choice for tenderness.”

“Their confidence, strength, and tendency to be easy-going.”

“I actually love that men are ‘doers’: that they want to help you fix your problems and offer solutions. If I want to just bitch about something, I tell them that upfront, but otherwise it’s nice to have some fresh perspective about what to do.”

“I LOVE that men don’t gossip like women, and they tend not to make all sorts of generally baseless judgments about everyone and their business. You wouldn’t believe how much women can tear people down about all kinds of trivial stuff.”

“I envy many of the abilities that seem innate to men; the ability to not internalize, they often seem to have better control of their emotions, forgive quicker and easier.”

“I like that men are logical thinkers. That their world is usually black and white. I like that they are daredevils at times and over-protective at other times.”

“Their sense of humor, their masculinity and strength.”

“Their straightforwardness. Their focus on problem-solving.”

“They seem to forgive and move on very easily.”

“Their bodies.”

“...and a nice butt doesn’t hurt!”

“Men don’t understand how very much we need them. It is so in vogue nowadays to act like we are so independent, and have no need of men in our lives. But it simply isn’t true. We are lonely without you.”

A few women also offered up some good advice for men:

“I wish men understood that what they call ‘nagging’ would simply disappear if they manned up and did their fair share around the house.”

“I wish men did not feel they are so responsible for our happiness.”

“Reassurance and a few words go a lot further than being quiet and thinking you are doing the right thing.”

“We [women] have intuition, and it can be right.”

“Hey men - your penises are a perfect size and just fine the way they are!”

“Most women do not see vulnerability as weakness and appreciate open communication.”

Next, the Men Speak. No, Seriously. They Told Me Things.

We’ll hear from the men in the next post, so be sure to check back. Here’s an appetizer to hold you over:

“I understand everything about women,except all those weird things they do.”

The anonymous survey is still open if you wish to weigh in. I’m especially interested in hearing from more of the guys out there (men, go here).

Again, many thanks to those all the participants.

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Dr. Smith is a psychologist in Denver, Colorado and the author of The User’s Guide to the Human Mind: Why Our Brains Make Us Unhappy, Anxious, and Neurotic and What We Can Do about It. Be sure to follow Shawn on Facebook for his latest rants and ramblings.